For over a week I have had trouble sleeping. Mostly I struggle to fall asleep but I also tend to wake frequently which decreases the quality of sleep by quite a bit. As a result, I am not recalling my dreams and those dreams I do recall are odd and don’t make much sense. There are a few, however, that seem to be indicators of what is going on under the surface, deep in my subconscious.

Dream – May 16th

I was sitting inside a truck (hard work) as if waiting to leave when a guy showed up and stood by the truck. He insisted that I get into a car instead. I felt irritated by the man’s pushy behavior but did what he asked. Before I could get into the car (life path) it began to drive on its own (feeling not in control of life). It sped up and crushed the man underneath, ripping his skin off in places. The man was yelling in pain as the car rolled forward and backward over top of him. When the car stopped, the man was pinned underneath yelling in pain. Suddenly, a random dog (protection, fidelity) came around and began to pull aggressively on his toes, ripping into his flesh. I yelled at the dog to stop but it wouldn’t. The sight of the whole thing was gruesome – the car sitting on top of the man, ripped flesh with blood oozing out and a dog trying to eat the man’s foot all while he was still alive and suffering.

The dream was very short and horrific enough to wake me up. I suspect it symbolically represents my feelings and fears in regards to how I react to being pressured to do things. It also seems to refer to the masculine as something I resent and want to destroy.

Dream: May 20th

I had odd dreams and some I recall. In one I was visiting a house in Montana that looked like where my ex in-laws use to live. I remember mostly asking a man if he would consider splitting the cost of the house with me so I could live there in the summers.

There was a longer dream I remember. I was in my Mom’s kitchen talking with someone. A short, blonde man was visiting and he asked whether I had ever been a runner and if I would consider going on a run with him. I told him that I once ran a half marathon, so yes I could run with him, but the run would have to be short. I also told him I ran slow. I

Then I was inside another house with many other people. When I arrived the place felt foreign and I knew no one there. My bed was the top bunk of a bunk bed and I had to climb some flimsy netting stuff to get to it, eventually using the side of the bunk that was against the wall to climb into the top because the sides were too narrow to crawl through. When I climbed into the bed the navy blanket had large spiky burrs on it that had spines like prickly pears do. I began to try and pull them out but there were so many that I mentioned it to the people below. Even the pillows had burrs on them. So I tossed the pillows to the foot of the bed and moved the blanket so that I would not be stuck by the burrs. Then a black cat came up onto the bed and began to try and rub up against me. It, too, had the burrs on it so I shooed it away.

The last thing I remember about the dream is looking at the wall as I lay there feeling very alone and missing my husband. I was thinking how nice it would be to have him around to help me feel more at ease and at home where I was. This is when I heard someone say to me the words “quality” and “quantity”. I remember it as “Quantity over Quality” but it could have been the opposite, not sure.

When I woke the song, “Send me an angel….right now” was going through my head along with the concept of choosing quantity over quality.

I understand the message to be about my choices in this life. I recall that after my divorce I missed the security marriage provided and I missed the companionship and friendship of my ex. I didn’t want to be married to him again nor did I miss him as a lover or have heartache over the loss of him, I just missed the convenience of it – having plenty of money, being able to relax and not have to work or feel that dread of working and working just to survive, and the convenience of having someone to do things with and with whom I could be myself.

I don’t know what to think of the dream really. Symbolically the bunk bed means I have trouble expressing my needs and desires within a romantic relationship. The burrs represent minor annoyances and irritations that I choose to overlook. Because they are on the bed spread they indicate annoyances that I am trying to hide or cover up. I forgot to mention that the entire bunk bed scene was very dark and it was hard to see which means I am not able to see or recognize something in waking life. It could also be I am trying not to see and avoiding something. The black cat is my intuition. It also has burrs which indicate something annoying or uncomfortable about my intuition. I push it away meaning I am not wanting to listen to my intuition.

Quality over Quantity

The message about choosing quality over quantity stuck with me and I pondered it for a while. I analyzed my choices in life. When did I choose quality and when did I choose quantity? What does “quality” mean to me?

Immediately I knew that in regards to career I had chosen quality over quantity. I left teaching and counseling which provided security in the form of a good paycheck in favor of a job that paid much less but was low stress and gave me the ability to work from home.

Also, with my previous marriage, I had held on for a long while because of the “quantity” of things if offered me (convenience, security, money)  but the “quality” of my existence began to suffer so much that I ultimately chose to – had to – leave for my own sanity.

In another memory I went back to middle school when the desire to fit in often led me to difficult lessons. I had won the friendship of the most popular girl, which was a big win for me. However, the girl desired me only because she thought my family “rich” (lol we weren’t) and was constantly trying to get me to buy things for her, which I did. She also used me for my “brains” and often asked me for the answers to questions on assignments and tests. At some point I recognized that the cost of being her friend was my own self-respect and that, in the end, the quality of her friendship was very poor and not worth the sacrifice. Sure I gained her friendship and the following of all her “minions” (quantity) but it was not worth it. So, one day when she was asking me to provide her with answers to a test, I loudly called her out in front of the whole class, effectively severing my friendship with her and creating a long-term enemy in the process. I do not regret the decision, however, and would do it again in a heartbeat.

Ultimately, “quality” to me tends to win out even though I often take a long while to make the choice.

Not long after this dream there was a post on FB that caught my attention:

“Why has it become so important to us to prolong life, over HOW we are living, and to postpone death rather than ask how we are dying.”

—Charles Eisenstein

There was an entire discussion below the quote and in one comment someone mentioned “Quality over quantity” and I thought, “Ah – there is it again!” In this instance the message was about quality of life over quantity (in years) of life and how so many people cling to life, fearing death, but do not live a quality life because fear stops them in their tracks. This specific post was about Covid-19, but my take on it was that I was being asked by my guidance to consider the quality of the life I now live.

Headless Bird

An interesting symbol presented itself early in the week. I found an adolescent bird – a dove – dead in my front yard. When I went to inspect it I saw that it had no head but was otherwise in perfect shape. It stood out to me as a symbol but of what I wasn’t sure.

Then this morning a friend posted on FB that she found two headless birds in her yard. I remembered my own experience and again thought, “There it is”, but what does it even mean?

Birds in general equal freedom, possibility and transition. In this case, the bird was a dove. Doves are typical symbols of love, peace and partnership while also acting as messengers. To find the dove dead and headless seems to indicate that I am effectively chopping the head off of the messenger, a messenger who brings peace, love and possibility.

In the Dark

Despite all the above messages, when I look inward all is quiet and the answers are not forthcoming. I feel cut off from my guidance and without significant dream activity I am left wondering if the answers will be forthcoming. All is pointing to me not wanting to “see”, but when I attempt to see I find myself “blind” and cut off from mySelf.

The past continues to return to me, asking me to look back on where I’ve been. When I visit this past it feels not to be me, but some other version who is no more. For example, I watched a video taken after the birth of my first child. In seeing myself I thought, “Who is that?” I remembered those days but the connection to who I once was, was gone.

In some instances I feel on the verge of another transition and stage in my life. I wonder, will I look back on this other me ten years from now and have that same feeling? Will I see that me as a complete stranger?

Ultimately, I think these experiences of not knowing or connecting with my past self are a common one, even among those who are still “asleep”. My mother speaks of having this experience, also, and how as she grows older she steps out of one version of herself into a new, better – wiser – one.

Honestly, I don’t feel ready to transition. Maybe that is why my dreams are “dark” and the symbolism indicates I wish not to “see” and am ignoring my intuition? Currently, rather than kick myself for not being able to force myself to “see” what I am avoiding, I am just going to go with it and allow it to be. Knowing now my Self (Higher) and self (lower) and how different (and at odds) they can be, I also know that my Self usually has to wait for my self before change can happen.