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Two Feathers and Just a Little Patience

Two nights ago I went to bed asking for clarity. I’ve had a lot of change in a short time and my mind is in overdrive. I have a tendency to think too far ahead and when I do I get overwhelmed, anxious and, ultimately, depressed. When I woke, I could not recall my dreams. Instead, I had a song going through my mind.

Said, “Sad woman, take it slow it’ll work itself out fine. All we need is just a little patience.”

It’s been a while since a song message has come through. It was, no doubt, from the new guide (or old since he seems familiar) who recently made himself known. He told me his name but I couldn’t quite catch it. I know it is only two letters long and a name less known, or maybe unknown, to my human self.

The message came after a recent email from my financial advisor indicating I can retire now if I want to. I am still looking for work but my heart is just not in it. I can’t help but feel this time in my life is for rest, recovery and healing. Still, I apply for jobs and I recently got offered a full-time position as a middle school counselor. I applied spur of the moment and knew immediately I would get offered the job. The interview confirmed it. As I was waiting for the official offer, I got information that solidified that I did not have to work anymore. It hit home and I began to second guess the offer, looking for red flags, which I found aplenty. Insomnia hit full force during the wait. It was horrendous, probably the worst I’d had in a couple of years. All because I was fighting two me’s – the one who knew I needed this time to rest and recover and the me who thought the job was perfect and exactly what I needed. When the offer came, I rejected it. Sleep returned not long after, confirmation that I chose correctly.

This morning, on my morning walk, I was still contemplating whether to work or not. Do I really want to retreat and recover? Won’t it make me go stir crazy? Won’t I be bored? When I think about what I really want right now, I keep getting that all I want is to sleep and have lazy days for a while. I want to get my country home ready for chickens and goats (chicken coop in progress). I want to take nature photos, make video shorts on YouTube and write in my journal/blog. I want to exercise and do yoga. I want to be alone when I want to be alone and be with people I love when I want to be with them. As my sleep schedule recovers, all I want to do in the morning is linger in bed relishing that amazing floaty feeling and dipping in and out of the in-between.

During my walk I came across two feathers. The first was a hawk feather. I found it at the beginning of my walk. The second was a Great Blue Heron feather which I found towards the end of my walk. I was holding the hawk feather in my hand when I found it.

Two feather messages on the first day of my birth month, three days away from my 50th birthday.

Hawk brings sharp focus, high-altitude vision, and a reminder to see the “big picture.” Hawk aligns with the element of air, representing intellect, mental clarity, and communication. Heron brings emotional alignment, reflection, and sacred space and aligns with the element of air representing emotion, healing and intuition. Finding both a heron feather and a hawk feather on the same walk creates a rare and powerful spiritual balance between patience and action. While the heron teaches patience and quiet reflection, the hawk encourages one to rise above the current circumstances and take decisive steps. This pairing means the heart and mind are aligning, providing the clarity to move forward.

Chiron Return Approaching

After this morning’s feather finds and message, my mind went to my Human Design Chiron Return reading last August when I was house sitting for my mom. Has it already been a year? Wow. I’m so glad that’s over. Anyway, I looked up my notes and did some more research. My Chiron is exact May 16, 2027 (my brother’s bday lol). However, I will begin to feel the effects of it long before. In HD my 2nd line body will feel the effects of Chiron by February 16, 2027.

My natal Chiron is in Gate 3, Line 3 (Difficulty at the Beginning: Individualism). Turns out my decision not to work now is beautifully aligned with my upcoming Chiron Return.

My core sacred wound is about formatting raw, chaotic energy into order. At line 3, this has historically manifested as material or creative trial-and-error—trying to force structure onto my resources before the timing was correct. Now, as a 6/2 coming off the roof, my focus on resources without traditional work is exactly how I am meant to reinvent my relationship with abundance.

February 16, 2027 (Cycle Design Date): The Somatic Ordering

  • The Body Level: The physical vehicle begins processing the mutation of Gate 3.3.
  • The Transition: The body is learning to hold resource security without relying on physical labor or survival-driven anxiety.
  • The Vulnerability: There is a feeling or deep physical pressure or restlessness to “do something” about money.
  • The Strategy: Trust the body’s design. A Line 2 Hermit needs to rest through this pressure. Allow the physical form to acclimatize to a state of receiving and ordering resources naturally, without active work.

May 16, 2027 (Cycle Date): The Conscious Mutation

  • The Mind Level: Consciously understanding on how to generate or manage wealth through pure alignment rather than effort.
  • The Realization: Rising above the trial-and-error wound of line 3. The realization that my unique presence and Cross of Contagion are what attract resources.
  • The Integration: I see the lack of traditional work not as a failure, but as a necessary phase of mastery. I step out as a Role Model (6th Line) who shows others how to bring order to material chaos by simply timing their energy correctly.

The gap between February and May bridges my unconscious survival fears with my conscious capacity for leadership.

Another change impacting me right now is that I am functioning as an Emotional Projector because of the influence of my Chiron Return. My identity and truth as a Self-Projected Projector comes from my G center and voice. An Emotional Projector has to “ride the emotional wave” before they are certain what to do. This is completely new to me, though I have often wondered if my daughter (Emotional Manifesting Generator) was teaching me how to ride the wave via my sensitivity to her emotional process.

I have two channels lighting up my solar plexus now that I don’t normally have: 41-30 and 19-39.

While the 41-30 brings a sweeping wave of fantasy and desire, the 19-39 adds an intense, tribal, and deeply personal physical layer to your emotions.

The 41-30 channel creates a high-pressure emotional wave that is intimately tied to anticipation. When it is out of alignment, it manifests as a restless, anxious urge to do something or to create an activity just to satisfy a vague feeling of expectation. Forcing myself to stay busy is just a coping mechanism to avoid sitting with the raw intensity of this new emotional wave.

Gate 19 is all about the fundamental need for resources, support, and tribal alignment. Gate 39 is the energy of provocation, obstruction, and finding what truly fits. This channel makes my physical body incredibly sensitive to environments, spaces, and the energetic frequency of other people. If an environment or a job doesn’t feel right, this channel will create an intense physical blockade and literally make me sick or completely exhaust me until I leave. Ouch!

Summary

My upcoming Chiron Return marks a major transition into my 6/2 Profile role-model phase, stepping down “off the roof” to heal a natal Gate 3, Line 3 wound by moving away from traditional, exhausting labor and toward authentic material alignment with my Cross of Contagion. The journey unfolds in two parts: a deep, unconscious body-level re-calibration starting on my Cycle Design Date (February 16, 2027), followed by a full conscious mind awakening on my Cycle Date (May 16, 2027). While my birth chart operates via Self-Projected Authority, a massive Pluto transit temporarily overrides this, shifting my Chiron cycle into an Emotional Projector blueprint by locking in the highly sensitive 41-30 and 19-39 channels of my Solar Plexus. Stepping away from work early in August is the correct move. It grants my open centers a vital six-month buffer to clear out decades of professional conditioning, allowing my insomnia to heal, and giving my nervous system the peaceful space it needs to acclimate to the intense energetic waves without guilt.

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Healing Session Notes: Using Light Language in Healing

Last night I did a “Reiki” healing session on my brother. I am a Reiki Master Teacher but, honestly, I do not use the symbols nor have I ever used them except when I was learning Reiki. I just intuitively go with the flow of the energy.

I set up my massage table in my home gym, burned some incense and put on soothing music. I lay on the table as I waited on him giving myself self-healing. I got so enmeshed in it that when my brother came in he startled me.

The session went well. At first I could not get his energy to respond but eventually I could feel the familiar heat and coolness in my hands. I felt very stiff in my body and began to wonder how I would continue the healing for 30 minutes or more. Surely I would get too exhausted and have to stop. Not long after I began to feel into my body and sway and move with the energy as it flowed through me. I couldn’t feel much of the energy itself but physical indicators were present. For example, I often got goosebumps in my legs that moved up and then back down.

At one point I began to spontaneously speak Light Language (LL). I did this quietly so as to not be heard by my brother and pull him out of his reverie. The LL kept coming and coming and the more it came through, the more I got goosebumps and the energy in my hands increased. I also swayed as if dancing and found myself moving my head upward and exhaling loudly. Eventually I began to cry as I was overwhelmed with the love coming into and through me. It felt like it was coming down into my crown and from there it spread out and made its way to my hands. It was not near as strong as I have felt in the past, as if my guidance was trying to avoid triggering me into full on sobs (which I tend to do when the heart bliss hits). I let the tears fall and continued my work, speaking LL, swaying with the energy and seeing visuals of the aura and areas that needed attention. During this time I heard, “Initiation”. I wasn’t sure if it was a message for me or him so I “put it on the shelf” for later.

When I got to my brother’s throat chakra I felt it was blocked. I intuitively knew my brother needed to make sound so I asked him to do so, indicating his throat was severely blocked. He did and after a few loud “ahhh’s” he began to laugh. He laughed heartily from his belly and I started to giggle, too.

He also had a third eye blockage so I worked on it a while and slowly made my way around to his other side. I turned my focus on his third chakra and noticed it, too, was quite blocked. I was shown a small energetic abnormality. It was like looking at the white of someone’s eye and seeing a speck of dirt. I tried to get it to come off but it was like the “dirt” was stuck and had become a part of the chakra. I worked on it a while with no success and so moved on to his feet.

Since the energy in his feet was strong, I began to do the work of balancing his aura. I could see and feel what I was doing in my mind. It feels very much like sculpting except with energy. I tried to bring the feel of the energy in the blocked/partially blocked chakras out as much as the rest of his aura. I could not do it completely, the aura would not expand fully around his head, neck and shoulders, but I did get it even enough to complete the healing session.

After I let him rest for a bit, we spoke some about what he experienced. He said he felt as if there were energetic “hands” around his throat choking him. I ask for clarification and he said it was band of energetic but he had flashes of being choked. I explained how I had worked on that area for some time because he had a severe blockage there. He also said he saw in his mind’s eye light streaking past, up and down his body and at one point it covered him from head to toe. I said that was probably when I was balancing his aura. He was very grateful and I felt like I was finally getting a glimpse into my healing style.

My brother reported to me today that he felt the healing session was “intense”. He is Reiki Level II and he use to be a part of a healing group that met consistently. So, he has both given and received Reiki for several years. He said he had only ever received intense healings from his teacher but the healing he got from me was even more intense. He said he could still feel the effects of it hours after the session ended. He took a nap and when he woke up two hours later he could still feel the lingering energy. 

In considering the message “initiation” I believe it was in reference to the fact that I, being Kundalini awakened myself, can initiate the Kundalini in another person and to be mindful of this as I do healing work. It may also be in reference to a Light Language activation, but it is hard to tell exactly at this time. I discussed it with my brother and suggested he take some time to integrate the healing and then he can decide if he wants to continue. He was mostly worried about the “speck” I saw in his third chakra. I do not know what it is, only that I was not able to remove it…yet. I believe, with time and healing work, that this anomaly will resolve on its own.

Overall, I am quite intrigued by how the healing went and want to continue this work.

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Slow and Steady Wins the Race

I wanted to come on here and post an update because it has been a while since my last post. So much has happened and there is so much I have not mentioned even when I have found the time to post!

First off, I mentioned last year (November?) that I was contemplating getting lens replacement surgery yet I never followed up. Ha! I DID have the surgery and it was THE BEST decision! Not only is my vision corrected for both near and far vision (and in-between), but my dry eye has improved because the doctor at my follow-up prescribed me with a drop that helps my eyes create more tears. I still have dry eye symptoms on and off, especially when I skip my twice daily allergy drops, but overall I would now classify my dry eye as moderate to mild. Yay! And my vision is superb. I have a multi-focal lens INSIDE each eye that gives me three prescriptions. I can see up close ya’ll and my vision is better than 20-20. How I forgot to mentioned the surgery is beyond me. I guess I just….forgot. So if you wondered? There you go.

Lots of happening at the cabin, too. I hired a crew to install goat fencing around the perimeter and also up and down the road and around the house. My cousin said I could have some of her new young goats so once I get a small barn built for them I will have about 5-8 goats. I want all females so I don’t have to deal with kids or a stinky billy. I have already hired the guy who built my fence to build the barn and he will also make improvements on my existing chicken coop so I can get some chickens (no rooster). And who knows, maybe I will get some other kinds of animals, too.

My brother recently moved into my garage bedroom. He is renting it from me for the cost of utilities and has agreed to help me with upkeep like mowing and feeding/tending animals once I get them. He plans to attend college using his GI Bill. It has been nice to have him around. We work out together and he has “hired” me to be his personal trainer. 🙂

I recently invited my sister and nephew out for a visit. I had to pick her up (they live 20 miles from me) but it was worth it. She is going on a month sober and is struggling with handling the rollercoaster of emotions sobriety brings. It was nice to catch up and her son enjoyed a visit with his cousins. I took them to buy groceries on the trip back to her place because they lost their food stamps recently. She still qualifies but they didn’t realize they had to reapply and so they were dropped which didn’t work out in their favor. Hopefully they get that sorted soon. I do plan more visits with her this summer. Hopefully she remains sober and can rebuild her life.

My school counseling position lost its allocation and, though my contract was renewed, the district put me in a Title 1 school that was not in the most ideal location. I had already planned to resign so when I was reassigned I did. I am currently looking for part-time, remote work, but am being extremely selective. My apartment lease comes up for renewal in October but I do not want to renew. I really dislike apartment living and now that my daughter has graduated and will be going to college in the Fall, I don’t need it. If something happens to come up between now and October that changes my mind, then so be it, but for now my plan is to live in my country home full-time.

I have not had much time to invest in the spiritual but it is still a goal of mine to return to the Work. Interestingly, I gave an impromptu mediumship reading to the fence contractor at the end of April. The way it came about was perfect synchronicity. On the walk of the property to determine the fence line, the contractor saw a coyote. I didn’t see it so I laughed and said, “Oh, it’s a sign meant just for you. Coyote is the trickster.” He asked what that meant and I said, “That things are not as they seem”. On a second walk a few weeks later he brought up the coyote and told me, “You were right. Things were not as they seemed. We had just found out my wife was pregnant. She recently lost the baby, though.” As we talked more I revealed to him my spiritual gifts and we parted ways for the afternoon. As he was leaving he sat me down and asked for a reading. I spent about an hour with him and it turned out well I think. It had been a long time for me, so I was rusty, but all in all I was pleased as was he.

Finally, I have had multiple encounters with turtles. Last year it was snakes, so the message has shifted from transformation to perseverance. Turtle asks us to be patient, stay grounded, stay the course, set firm boundaries, and navigate emotion with ease and honesty. Turtle reminds us we are protected and loved. Slow and steady wins the race.

There were two large turtle encounters one day apart. The first was with a common snapping turtle. The second was a soft-shelled turtle. I actually saw the second three days in a row after the first encounter. Finally, my brother found a small red-eared snapper shell in the mud that I am going to clean up for display.

Common Snapping Turtle
Soft-Shelled Turtle
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Epiphanies and Visits from the Past

On my drive to my cabin, as seems to be common lately, I had many epiphanies. First, earlier that morning, I realized some things about my relationship to my ex. I saw how we both entered into the relationship with good intentions and was able to see with clarity why I chose the paths I chose. I was able to look at both myself and my ex with great compassion and love. The feeling of it was relief and acceptance. Contemplating it further triggered some memories on my drive of my earlier life and the decisions I made. I saw myself doing the best I could with the limited memory and experience I had. I saw how my decisions and experiences created the person I am today – a tapestry of a life story nearly complete. I saw it – ME – as a beautiful masterpiece of compounded experience. I began to cry at the Knowing that I loved myself, even the past version who I have often been so critical of. When I had this thought, and while crying happy tears, my guidance asked, “Can you forgive yourself for what you didn’t know?” I knew I had. 

We come here into this physical experience without any memory of who we are. We do this purposefully. I could see how I, as the creator of this life, purposefully scripted the experiences to create the person I am today. One thing I saw especially was how, currently, I am counseling young people and learning how to be patient and loving as I guide them to make better decisions and navigate their problems. In doing this, I am also learning how to be patient and kind with myself, specifically the parts I feel “should’ve known better”. Should I have? Perhaps the lack of knowing in that past version of me was purposeful so that I would make decisions that would teach me and shape me into who I am today? I know it was! So, in seeing this, how can I blame myself for not-Knowing? I was – and still am – but a child of the Universe. In that moment I was able to see myself as my guides see me. You cannot force a person to listen, you cannot force them to accept something they are not ready to accept. My guidance offered their help, their support and their guidance. It was up to me to take it. I chose, more often than not, to “do it myself” (sound familiar?) and they let me. They were patient and loving with me, always there if I needed them, watching and nudging me along much like parents do with their small children or, even, as I have been doing with my own children and the children I counsel as part of my current job.

Visits from Old Friends

Last night while meditating a friend from the past visited me. She passed away a while ago from cancerI knew her only briefly. She was one of the first people I gave a mediumship reading to when I began exploring my abilities so many years ago. I almost missed her altogether, though. A fleeting image and memory of her floated almost indetectable through my mind. I saw it and recognized how out of place it was with the rest of the random thoughts and images floating across my mind. I knew it was more than a memory, it was my old friend stopping by for a visit. Of course, I could not remember her name and was a bit flustered by that. She didn’t mind. I asked her why she was there and she said to say hello. She told me she had been following my life, watching me and keeping tabs. I was surprised because we had known each other so briefly. I got a sense from her that in Spirit she and I know each other much more intimately than we ever did in life. She thanked me for helping her, saying I saw her illness and showing me how, during an aura scan, I noticed the blockage. I apologized because I didn’t remember (I don’t typically recall the specifics of readings I do). She told me she was returning the favor. I remembered her name and a flood of memory returned to me. I began to cry. In life she was beautiful, but in death she was glowing. I asked her about her son, her family, she said, “They are alright” seeming not to want to deter from the main reason for her visit. It was clear she was not there to pass a message on to them. She was there for me. 

As we talked, I told her, “I wish I was where you are.” She said, “Oh no! You stay. You’re amazing”. Telepathically she explain my Light is needed here. I also remember her saying, “You need a hug.” This made me cry and, as I felt the emotion rising, told her to stop. I immediately wished I hadn’t but she understood and I was reminded how I asked my father to do the same when he would visit me. It is because I feel so loved and don’t feel worthy of that love. As she left I heard very clearly, “Lilac”. I didn’t see one in my mind but I heard it. Then she said, “Look it up”. I knew she meant the symbolism of it. I thanked her.

A short while later, after looking up lilac symbolism, I felt a rush of warmth envelop me. It was the hug my friend had told me I needed. I sobbed. My friend was back but she was with others. Some familiar faces came to mind. I was overwhelmed with gratitude to them all. I knew they were there for support. They had said as much on another solo trip to my cabin. I didn’t fully comprehend what it meant then. I was too caught up in the chaos of my life to really put any attention on it. 

Recently an online friend of mine passed away. When I found out I was shocked and very suddenly overwhelmed with emotion and love I didn’t know was there. I began to cry and felt him close, a big smile on his face. I apologized for not reaching out to him more, specifically when he got married or when he sent me messages on IG. I was just too caught up in myself, in the chaos of my life. He immediately waved it off with a smile. I knew, somehow, similar to me and the friend I wrote about above, he and I were connected in Spirit in ways I never realized in this life. As he turned to leave, golden light surrounding him, he waved a white handkerchief, as if to say, “Surrender!” I believe now that it was a message to me. Surrender. Stop fighting what you know to be true and embrace your purpose.

And then, well, there is Steven. My Companion Traveler. My main guide. He is here. He is observing, watching, but when I called for him, after years of no contact (seemingly), he came. Of course, I cried a bit, but his Light immediately reassured me. We may not hear or see our guide/guardian angel, but they are ALWAYS there. Seeing him indicates a Shift for me. It is likely much more than that, but for now I am just happy to have had a visit from him again. It has been too long!

Something truly magical is happening now. I feel it and I am overcome with gratitude and love for my life, even the parts that hurt. Each day I make a point to choose joy and gratitude. I am observing my thoughts, actions and tendencies, without judgement. Lovingly acknowledging what no longer serves me and choosing what does. I’ve not perfected it but how I feel day-to-day has shifted. As a result I am sleeping better and my blood pressure is going down (yay!). 

Please check out this book if you want to change, I mean REALLY change: Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, by Dr. Joe Dispenza. It has been what has helped me take years of lessons and Knowing and put it to use. It really is as simple as changing your mind.

FYI – I have updated my About and Services pages on my Daynaspirit.com website. I have also updated this blog so that there will be no more pesky advertisements. 🙂 Slowly but surely I am stepping into the life I want. I hope you will join me! So many possibilities!

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Music Inspiration

Those of you who have been following my blog for a while know how important music has been and is to me on this crazy journey of life. I thought I would share some of the music that has guided and motivated me lately. I put the music in time order. It reflects the transformation I underwent from around August last year to present. It has felt, at times, like I was shattered and would not be able to find a way back to myself.

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Kundalini Dream: The Heart Fire Returns

Woke up from a Kundalini dream at 3:30am and couldn’t fall back to sleep. 

Kundalini Dream: The Heart Fire Returns

I was visiting my heart connection. It seemed like he was showing me his past. This part of the dream is not as clear as the rest but I recall his mom being present and somehow knew we were in California. I have seen pictures of her and she was much younger in the dream and seemed vibrant and full of energy. It felt like he was showing me this part of his life to explain his connection to his mom. What I recall the most is that he was very preoccupied with the task at hand, his energy very active and rushed. 

The dream shifted to a more rural area (deeper emotional goal). It felt like rural Georgia and there was a sense that my heart connection was nearby and I was visiting him. I was taking two dogs (loyalty to two different aspects), one large and one small (seeking balance), for a drive down an unfamiliar road. As I drove the road suddenly shifted to a white dirt road (shift to subconscious). Something about seeing the dirt road caused me to worry I would get lost so I decided to slow down and find a place to turn around. I pulled into a half circle driveway to turn around and two older ladies approached me. My car disappeared (slower pace where I am more vulnerable and grounded) and I was now walking the dogs on leashes. The women were friendly, asking if I was from around there and while we talked the larger dog started to wander away. I noticed I had lost grip of its leash and I told the women, “I can’t chase him or he’ll run.” I explained to them how to get him to return and sure enough he circled around happily, greeted them with sniffs and sat down (I’ve learned not to force connections). 

Then I was inside an unfamiliar bedroom (shift from journey stage to one of waiting) laying on a large bed. It felt like I was in my heart connection’s bedroom (view of his inner world). I was clothed in a tank top and shorts laying mostly on top of the covers (not yet fully integrated). The room itself was dark (unconscious) in color and somewhat large. I believe there was a dresser with a mirror near the foot of the bed (self-reflection, inner truth). To my left was the door. I remember mulling over memories of a dream conversation I had with my heart connection prior to this moment in time. I only recall flashes of the dream here. There is a sense of his journey and movement or progression along a planned path. There was also a sense of his mindset and feelings to include that he still had some work to do in regards to the karma he was settling with his mother. 

Though I don’t remember it now I feel like the dream was overlaying another dream in which I was actually with him having this discussion. I’ve had this happen frequently in dreamtime.

At some point I pulled down the right side of my tank top (vulnerability, self-exposure). I don’t know why I did this. I have faint memory of having exercised and feeling hot only I never got up out of the bed. From my right I felt my heart connection come out of the shadows. He leaned over me. There was an immediate burning sensation in my heart chakra as if it was burning straight through me. The sensation was like the fire of desire I usually feel in the lower chakras only it was in my heart. He leaned over me, kneeling partially on the bed, and kissed me four times (grounding of the spiritual fire into reality), each time the fire in my chest grew seeming to expand and envelope us both. 

He ended up over the top of me and I suddenly felt exposed; naked. He was too and I could feel he was aroused. Concerned for him, I pulled in my left knee to block him getting any closer. I knew he wasn’t ready. I knew I wasn’t ready. He slowly withdrew, looked directly at me and said, “Thank you.” We shared a moment of mutual understanding and then he stood up. He was no longer naked but clothed (symbolizes getting back to work). Seeing his clothes, I immediately covered my exposed breast and said to him, “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that. I didn’t mean to…”. Unconcerned, he walked to the door and began to leave, explaining he had to go but would come right back when he was done. I got the sense that he was going to finish his karmic work. It’s like he was explaining, “I am so close, just not quite done yet. I’ll come back, I promise.”

Him leaving was heart wrenching. The fire in my heart was burning but I was in agony. I couldn’t reconcile the longing I was experiencing with the Knowing that it was not yet time. I was also struggling with memory of the previous pain, the decimation I experienced, when he left the first time. The intensity of emotion and the heart fire woke me. 

Reflection

The first thing I felt was panic. Memory flooded in along with the question I had asked all those years ago and was asking again, “Why is this happening to me?” My guides were close and reminded me I had chosen this. Knowing flooded in and I felt the same agony I felt in the dream. All I could say to them was, “I can’t [do this again]”. 

Last summer I was told I had chosen the fast-track. So, so much has happened since then. I am just now feeling somewhat settled and steady. I am getting ready to make even more changes to my life, changes that I feel are more in alignment with who I am. It won’t be easy and I get that, but I was not expecting this. If the Kundalini returns it will most definitely complicate things.

If I am suppose to finish what was started, fine, I get it. Leaving work unfinished is unwise, especially work of this nature.

The dream gave me perspective I didn’t previously have. I understand where my heart connection is coming from and how he has changed. And boy has he changed! His energy is different, more decisive and confident. I cannot recall one dream with him in it from my past where he did what he did in this dream. He was always hesitant. Not anymore. It feels like he is stepping fully into his masculinity.

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Recall: A Goal of My Higher Self

2/10/26 

My mind was oddly blank. I heard, “So what is next?” I answered, “I guess it’s time to find another man.” This really made feel deflated inside because there was a Knowing I planned it that way. I wondered why I couldn’t be more self-sufficient or Self-motivated – pave my own distinctive path? Unexpectedly I heard myself say, “That is why I chose to be female because it makes it easier to be passive when I tend to want to dominate”. 

It felt so True when I said it to myself and I Know it is exactly why I chose a female form. I remember the reality of being female hitting me around age 10 when my breasts started forming. I really dreaded becoming a woman. Back then I thought it was just because of how  women are treated, but it was more that it had to do with the position it put me in and its overreaching purpose in my life.

Funny but being passive does not seem easier at first but there is Knowing that if I had been male my goal would’ve been extremely difficult to achieve. 

Is this what I am here to learn? How to gracefully allow others to shine while I bow out? I see a visual of me bowing and motioning away from myself as if to say, “Your turn”, acknowledging that others are as worthy as I am rather than stealing the spotlight and accolades for myself.

Is it possible that I am here to build up others instead of myself and in doing so learn the value in doing so? To be an unseen hero in the lives of those I’ve overpowered or stomped out in previous incarnations?

If so, then I have failed in doing so for those closest to me and for that I am truly sorry. 

Motherhood most definitely assists me in that goal at least! And being a Projector has also! Oh damn!! I can see how I planned these aspects of my chart to complement my goals. 

It is clear to me this goal is part of an overall plan of many lifetimes to work on my character. It is specifically to “even it out” so as to not be more dominant or more passive but somewhere in the middle. I have tended towards a more dominant nature and would like to “correct” that about myself. As I type this an analogy comes to mind. It is like perfecting a “recipe”, adding and taking away ingredients and doing taste tests along the way until the final dish tastes exactly right. It is truly about my own goals to perfect myself based upon what I view as perfect. I can also see how very slow the progress has to be. It is not all done in one lifetime but over the course of many. I don’t know exactly how many. I believe I have already lived quite a few with this goal in mind because I have recollection of them. If I were to try to force too much character change into one lifetime it would backfire.

I wish I could relay how truly amazing it was to recall this about myself. Now, as I type it out nearly 24hrs later, it seems almost pointless to document.

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Spontaneous Poetry

It has been a strangely revelatory day. I think I finally see some things clearer. Spontaneously, I made a voice recording in an attempt to describe what I was experiencing and below is what came out of my mouth:

I left you in my heart a long time ago.
Only echoes remain.
The distance just grew wider, yet
for some reason I remained.
It was only when I saw you,
truly saw what you could be,
that I decided to go the distance,
I decided to just be me. 

And then this:

In the darkness, in the sorrow,
wretched tangle of misery,
sprouts a leaf on the morrow from a twig that once was me.
A haze forms in the distance, 
a silhouette of something – a mystery, 
only as I gather strength, 
the courage to understand
does that figure slowly turn and look 
before fading into memory. 

And still more….

The shallow breath of a wretched heart
twisted and tangled up inside itself
begging to be freed
oozing from an unseen wound
bleeding notes of regret and abandon 
as it sings a warning to the future:
“Do not tread this way for the path has crumbled 
and is strewn with intolerance of what once was 
and never will be again”.

And finally:

I gave this one a title.

You & Me 

I saw you in myself today,
unseen, desperate, invisible.
No one heard you, no one saw,
when you crumpled to the floor
exhausted, your pleas gone unheard,
your heart broken, desperate to be touched.

I felt you in my tears today, never-ending, 
from a well deep within 
that was filled over the years
by my silence in the face of your agony.

I heard you in my voice today,
defiant and rebellious,
withstanding all forces 
with the last ounces of your strength, 
fist pounding, 
blood boiling, 
eyes wild,
choking on the whispers of the truth 
I couldn’t see.

I felt you in my heart today,
deep in the bottom, 
near the end of the path we traveled together.
There you will remain, 
wrapped in ribbon,
tied in string, 
bundled up 
until I’m ready to open the gift you left for me.

The first felt to be about my ex as I spoke but after I read it I feel it is about myself.
As are the two that follow, each a different aspect of my journey to this point in time.

The last is me recognizing myself in my ex; we are one and the same. I try to express it the best I can, but even now I feel the words are not enough. When I began to speak aloud “I felt you in my heart today”, I choked on tears and it took me a while to continue. That one was the kicker I think because I honestly didn’t think I had anything left in my heart for my ex.

What is interesting is that all of these words came to me independently of one another, without any consideration of what they would say when they came together.

All this because today I had to go through all my texts with my ex since January in preparation for the upcoming mediation. I was at work and somehow no one disturbed me. The time passed without me even noticing. By the end I felt transformed somehow. I think it was my looking at everything from outside of it that did it. 

Final takeaway (the gift perhaps?): I have always wanted my ex to truly SEE me. It seems I rarely saw him. How can I expect someone to see me if I refuse to see them first? 

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Therapy Revelations – Disorganized Attachment Style

I’ve had four sessions now. I find my sessions revelatory, not because of what my therapist says or asks but because of my responses. As a Self-Projected Projector my voice is my superpower. This last session I brought up my relationship with my mother when my therapist asked a few probing questions.

I usually need a couple of days to process my therapy sessions, sometimes longer. My therapist left me with some questions to ponder this time. Specifically she asked me to consider the injustice I felt both in childhood and am currently feeling with my failed marriage. She asked if I thought I could let go of that perceived injustice. She also asked me to consider why I felt I was a failure and why I tend to wait until I fail before I ask for help.

In considering her questions to me, I got to thinking a bit about attachment style because it seems to play a major role in my romantic relationships. I took the attachment style test a while back and I am disorganized attachment (fearful-avoidant) which is defined by the person’s strong desire to be close to someone but also a fear of getting close. About a year ago I did research into attachment style but really didn’t dive deep into it because it didn’t seem relevant. However, after yesterday’s session and a question by my therapist specifically asking me about my parents and if I felt safe with them, it became clear that my overall feeling of not being safe in life developed in my childhood and has been plaguing me since then. 

This attachment style developed mainly from my relationship with my mother but my father also played a role in it, of course. My mother was “hot and cold” with me. One minute she would be smiling, receptive and encouraging of love, hugs, snuggles and the next she would be upset or angry, yelling, or rejecting my attempts to hug, snuggle or love her. She also use to mock and humiliate me when she punished me and my siblings often even inviting my other siblings in to make fun of me or help punish me. For example, she had my older sister hold me down over the toilet bowl as she literally put soap in my mouth to “wash my mouth” of the bad word I said. Some of her behavior was also traumatic. For example, she use to threatened to leave me on the side of the road when we were driving in the middle of nowhere often pulling over and even opening the door. Other times she would threatened to leave me at the “all girls school” which was for “bad” girls like me. I remember feeling absolutely terrified of these things happening (I was very little, like 4-7yrs old). This creates a situation in a child where there is “fright without solution”. 

My father would often laugh when he punished us, especially if he was spanking us. He also threatened to not take me home during my visitation time with him. I usually didn’t want to visit him during his time with me but was forced to by my mom because the courts said she had to make me. He was really only this way during their divorce that I can recall. Prior to that I favored my father and would’ve called myself a daddy’s girl. Oh how I love him! I have fond memories of helping him work on his cars, him teaching me to ride my bike, and snuggling with him in bed early in the morning on school days. When he became his angry, vengeful self during the divorce, I watched the daddy I use to love turn into someone I was scared to be around.

My attachment style developed out of a push-pull dynamic around love. I want it desperately but I am also afraid of it because the love I grew up with was unsafe and unpredictable. This explains why I reacted how I did when I first experienced the Kundalini. It also explains why I have been told by many how I seem like “two different people”. I am this way in friendships and romantic relationships, always keeping a safe distance just “in case”. 

My ex is anxious attachment, I have no doubt. He got so desperate when I would withdraw that he resorted to coercion and other abusive tactics. Of course, my response would be to try and get as far away from him as I could, which I ultimately did with the divorce. I don’t know about my first husband. I think he may have been secure attachment because he always responded to my fearful avoidance with patience and acceptance. I also think he was secure attachment because I often found being with him “boring”, which I have since learned is a typical consideration of insecure attachment styles to attached individuals. Ha!

Once we recognize our attachment style we can use that awareness to recognize when we are acting out patterns that no longer help us. The fear I feel when I get “too close” is noticeable, always has been, and I have always acted on it. I think sometimes it was justifiable but many times it was not. I remember struggling in my first marriage because he was gone a long time. I had difficulty adjusting first to him leaving and then to him returning. I would get very avoidant and grumpy whenever he returned from his weeks long work assignments. He was always able to help me through it, though, and never made me wrong for being how I was. In my second marriage there was no help in adjusting whatsoever. Instead, my ex would panic and come on stronger, forcing hugs and closeness, and pointing out my flaws to make me feel shame for being how I was. There was no patience or acceptance of where my behaviors might have been coming from. He took it all very personally as if I was rejecting him or trying to be mean. The more I “rejected” him, the more coercive he became, the more I withdrew or reacted negatively and the cycle just continued and escalated to the point of becoming abusive. 

We were two wounded children acting out. That is it.  

I also notice that I tend to choose partners who work a lot and/or are gone a lot. This selection process happens subconsciously, of course. When my partner is around me for extended lengths of time I can get annoyed and agitated just because they are there. I often justify these feelings but honestly there is never a reason that makes sense.

Source

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Long OBE This Morning

I asked and received. 🙂 

Woke around 5:30am and asked to go out of body. I couldn’t sleep, though, because I was thinking of an issue I discovered with my service record from a school I worked at in 2014-2015. They sent only part of it and I sent them an email requesting they look for the rest. My pay is determined by my service record and the years I worked. I worried the school may have recorded it wrong and I would have to prove I worked there and so I was considering looking for my W-2’s from that year. However, they are in a filing cabinet at my ex’s and he has said I can’t go inside the house when he isn’t there. So I was thinking of ways to bypass that to get to the filing cabinet when this OBE began.

I must have fallen into a dream without knowing it. My sons and I were going to my ex’s house. I don’t remember traveling there, though. Instead, I remember laying in my bed and seeing this as if imagining it. I noticed my vision was not turned on at this time and remembered something I told my son yesterday about how I use to look at pictures or paintings in OBE and then go into them and transport into a new world. With this thought a bubble of light with an image inside formed in front of my eyes. Through it I could see clear as day while around the bubble where I was currently at was like I was in my mind (no color, 2D). I peered into the bubble scene and the scene expanded quickly as if stretchy. My mind could push at the edges and feel the elasticity of it and push it outward. I watched through the bubble rather than going into it but the bubble expanded to the point that I was inside of it just on the edge.

The scene inside was of a beautiful, cloudless, sunny day at a pool. A young teen girl was walking by and glanced in my direction. I felt as if I was in the pool on an innertube and could feel the water gently lapping at the edges. I asked the girl, “Who are you? Do I know you?” She looked my way and her face was quizzical as if my question made no sense to her. I asked again but got no answer. I recall being fascinated at the clarity of the scene. I could see the boards of the deck, the pool items like towels and snorkels, masks, the trees in the background brilliantly green, and the blue sky seeming to stretch forever. I stayed there watching in wonder until I heard my son call to me about the files he had gotten for me out of the filing cabinet. I could see the files in my mind and they were not the correct ones.

My attention went to the grayish, 2D area of my mind were I found myself suddenly falling into water. I saw my phone fly up into the air and fall into the water. I had no body or form yet I panicked as if I did, flailing about for my phone which, unusually, was floating in the water. I grabbed it and let my son know we needed to get inside to dry it off. 

With that thought I was transported inside my ex’s bedroom but the layout was backwards. I recall the ceiling fan above the most vividly. I still had no form and with my mind I flew around the house. As I did, I observed how I felt and how the space felt. I had no emotional attachment whatsoever and did not feel comfortable because I was in someone else’s space, a space I knew I shouldn’t be in. I went to the filing cabinet but didn’t stay there. I settled somewhere downstairs and ended up on a bed. I don’t recall all my thoughts but I think I was sorting through the past – places, events, people. 

Suddenly, I hear a woman’s voice. She is looking for her son and she pops her head into the bedroom. I try to hide because I am not suppose to be in the house, but she doesn’t seem to care. My vision is no longer 2D but vivid 3D again and I recognize I am in my old bedroom at my mom’s house. Not caring how I got there, I listen to the woman say thank you to my mom for watching her son. The woman has blonde hair and is about my age and I hear her go into the other room and retrieve her son. I know now that I was witnessing a memory of a very long time ago when my mom must have watched a young boy who use to come and play with us. His mom was in school to be a nurse and having a difficult time so my grandmother let her live there for free and provided free childcare. My siblings and I use to play with him.

I left the bedroom and walked into the kitchen. I felt solid but I don’t think I had a form. A man came in. He was tall and dressed in a coat and was wearing work boots. I greeted him by name, “Hi (insert name)!” He looked at me and asked, “Why did you bring me here?” I saw a man I knew was his son behind him, though he was out of focus. I don’t remember answering him but I felt super excited that he was there with me. I looked behind me through the double glass doors at a man walking up to the door. I said, “Look, the neighbor (insert name I don’t recall) is here, too! But oh there is a big bear following him!” I saw a large, black bear walking behind the man but instead of causing any harm, the bear was gentle and joined the man alongside some dogs when the man turned around to pet the bear. 

When I turned back around everyone was gone and the kitchen lights had gone low and my vision returned to grayish 2D.

I decided to fly out the door after a bit because it was no fun inside a grayish, uninhabited box of a house. 

Outside my vision stayed grayish and limited. I was flying (still no body) and feeling the ground as I flew along, noting the bumps and valleys and not really knowing what they were. Then I was was pulled upward at lightening speed and as I was, I was telling myself, “I’m not afraid” or something like that and purposefully focused on regaining my sight, which came on with full vibrance instantly. It distinctly felt as if brilliant light was burning a hole through my eyelids. It didn’t hurt and was familiar. I had felt it recently during a healing OBE in my bedroom when I was still living at the family home. It feels like a jolt of energy to my eye area that seems to force “open” my eyes but with the distinct sensation of my eyes remaining closed. Imagine light so bright it shoots out of the eyes like laser beams.

The scene I saw was dreary. The sky was gray and the wind was howling and blowing as if there was a storm but there was no rain. I could see bare limbed treetops that appeared dead. My vision was 360 degrees all around and it felt as if my energy body, which I distinctly felt was still a sphere, was spinning wildly. I didn’t like what I was seeing and said aloud, “I want to see something else” while envisioning the opposite of the dreary oppressed scene I was seeing. Instantly the scene was filled with light, the “wind” died down and I could see a space inundated with light and a kind of fog that didn’t have shape or form. I only call it fog because I don’t know what else to call it. It was like I had on glasses that were fogged and so lessened the brilliance of the light. I felt myself transported once again and tried with all my might to maintain my vision but slowly lost it.

I felt myself come to rest on a solid surface. Before I had a chance to get my bearings I heard my son and also saw him from above as he approached me. I could see myself laying on the concrete by the side of the pool. I had on a coat but wore nothing from the waist down and my bare butt was showing. My son said, “We need to go now….” He paused after seeing my state and said, “Never mind. Keep doing whatever your doing…”. While this happened I was also experiencing myself in a body by the pool. I could feel the cold concrete below me and I felt my energy beginning to destabilize. I began to cry. I experienced many emotions but it was the realization that I had to go back that upset me the most. I didn’t want to. 

I slowly came back to my body. I could’ve returned to astral but opted not to. 

When I woke I thought/heard, “It doesn’t matter”. This was regarding my concern about the service record but also most of the things that go through my mind in waking reality. I asked, “Why am I here then?” I heard back, “To observe.” There was more with the answer, like a flood of Knowing that cannot be put into words.