Category Archives: human design

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Three Feathers and Just a Little Patience

Two nights ago I went to bed asking for clarity. I’ve had a lot of change in a short time and my mind is in overdrive. I have a tendency to think too far ahead and when I do I get overwhelmed, anxious and, ultimately, depressed. When I woke, I could not recall my dreams. Instead, I had a song going through my mind.

Said, “Sad woman, take it slow it’ll work itself out fine. All we need is just a little patience.”

It’s been a while since a song message has come through. It was, no doubt, from the new guide (or old since he seems familiar) who recently made himself known. He told me his name but I couldn’t quite catch it. I know it is only two letters long and a name less known, or maybe unknown, to my human self.

The message came after a recent email from my financial advisor indicating I can retire now if I want to. I am still looking for work but my heart is just not in it. I can’t help but feel this time in my life is for rest, recovery and healing. Still, I apply for jobs and I recently got offered a full-time position as a middle school counselor. I applied spur of the moment and knew immediately I would get offered the job. The interview confirmed it. As I was waiting for the official offer, I got information that solidified that I did not have to work anymore. It hit home and I began to second guess the offer, looking for red flags, which I found aplenty. Insomnia hit full force during the wait. It was horrendous, probably the worst I’d had in a couple of years. All because I was fighting two me’s – the one who knew I needed this time to rest and recover and the me who thought the job was perfect and exactly what I needed. When the offer came, I rejected it. Sleep returned not long after, confirmation that I chose correctly.

This morning, on my morning walk, I was still contemplating whether to work or not. Do I really want to retreat and recover? Won’t it make me go stir crazy? Won’t I be bored? When I think about what I really want right now, I keep getting that all I want is to sleep and have lazy days for a while. I want to get my country home ready for chickens and goats (chicken coop in progress). I want to take nature photos, make video shorts on YouTube and write in my journal/blog. I want to exercise and do yoga. I want to be alone when I want to be alone and be with people I love when I want to be with them. As my sleep schedule recovers, all I want to do in the morning is linger in bed relishing that amazing floaty feeling and dipping in and out of the in-between.

During my walk I came across two feathers. The first was a hawk feather. I found it at the beginning of my walk. The second was a Great Blue Heron feather which I found towards the end of my walk. I was holding the hawk feather in my hand when I found it.

Two feather messages on the first day of my birth month, three days away from my 50th birthday.

Hawk brings sharp focus, high-altitude vision, and a reminder to see the “big picture.” Hawk aligns with the element of air, representing intellect, mental clarity, and communication. Heron brings emotional alignment, reflection, and sacred space and aligns with the element of air representing emotion, healing and intuition. Finding both a heron feather and a hawk feather on the same walk creates a rare and powerful spiritual balance between patience and action. While the heron teaches patience and quiet reflection, the hawk encourages one to rise above the current circumstances and take decisive steps. This pairing means the heart and mind are aligning, providing the clarity to move forward.

Chiron Return Approaching

After this morning’s feather finds and message, my mind went to my Human Design Chiron Return reading last August when I was house sitting for my mom. Has it already been a year? Wow. I’m so glad that’s over. Anyway, I looked up my notes and did some more research. My Chiron is exact May 16, 2027 (my brother’s bday lol). However, I will begin to feel the effects of it long before. In HD my 2nd line body will feel the effects of Chiron by February 16, 2027.

My natal Chiron is in Gate 3, Line 3 (Difficulty at the Beginning: Individualism). Turns out my decision not to work now is beautifully aligned with my upcoming Chiron Return.

My core sacred wound is about formatting raw, chaotic energy into order. At line 3, this has historically manifested as material or creative trial-and-error—trying to force structure onto my resources before the timing was correct. Now, as a 6/2 coming off the roof, my focus on resources without traditional work is exactly how I am meant to reinvent my relationship with abundance.

February 16, 2027 (Cycle Design Date): The Somatic Ordering

  • The Body Level: The physical vehicle begins processing the mutation of Gate 3.3.
  • The Transition: The body is learning to hold resource security without relying on physical labor or survival-driven anxiety.
  • The Vulnerability: There is a feeling or deep physical pressure or restlessness to “do something” about money.
  • The Strategy: Trust the body’s design. A Line 2 Hermit needs to rest through this pressure. Allow the physical form to acclimatize to a state of receiving and ordering resources naturally, without active work.

May 16, 2027 (Cycle Date): The Conscious Mutation

  • The Mind Level: Consciously understanding on how to generate or manage wealth through pure alignment rather than effort.
  • The Realization: Rising above the trial-and-error wound of line 3. The realization that my unique presence and Cross of Contagion are what attract resources.
  • The Integration: I see the lack of traditional work not as a failure, but as a necessary phase of mastery. I step out as a Role Model (6th Line) who shows others how to bring order to material chaos by simply timing their energy correctly.

The gap between February and May bridges my unconscious survival fears with my conscious capacity for leadership.

Another change impacting me right now is that I am functioning as an Emotional Projector because of the influence of my Chiron Return. My identity and truth as a Self-Projected Projector comes from my G center and voice. An Emotional Projector has to “ride the emotional wave” before they are certain what to do. This is completely new to me, though I have often wondered if my daughter (Emotional Manifesting Generator) was teaching me how to ride the wave via my sensitivity to her emotional process.

I have two channels lighting up my solar plexus now that I don’t normally have: 41-30 and 19-39.

While the 41-30 brings a sweeping wave of fantasy and desire, the 19-39 adds an intense, tribal, and deeply personal physical layer to your emotions.

The 41-30 channel creates a high-pressure emotional wave that is intimately tied to anticipation. When it is out of alignment, it manifests as a restless, anxious urge to do something or to create an activity just to satisfy a vague feeling of expectation. Forcing myself to stay busy is just a coping mechanism to avoid sitting with the raw intensity of this new emotional wave.

Gate 19 is all about the fundamental need for resources, support, and tribal alignment. Gate 39 is the energy of provocation, obstruction, and finding what truly fits. This channel makes my physical body incredibly sensitive to environments, spaces, and the energetic frequency of other people. If an environment or a job doesn’t feel right, this channel will create an intense physical blockade and literally make me sick or completely exhaust me until I leave. Ouch!

Summary

My upcoming Chiron Return marks a major transition into my 6/2 Profile role-model phase, stepping down “off the roof” to heal a natal Gate 3, Line 3 wound by moving away from traditional, exhausting labor and toward authentic material alignment with my Cross of Contagion. The journey unfolds in two parts: a deep, unconscious body-level re-calibration starting on my Cycle Design Date (February 16, 2027), followed by a full conscious mind awakening on my Cycle Date (May 16, 2027). While my birth chart operates via Self-Projected Authority, a massive Pluto transit temporarily overrides this, shifting my Chiron cycle into an Emotional Projector blueprint by locking in the highly sensitive 41-30 and 19-39 channels of my Solar Plexus. Stepping away from work early in August is the correct move. It grants my open centers a vital six-month buffer to clear out decades of professional conditioning, allowing my insomnia to heal, and giving my nervous system the peaceful space it needs to acclimate to the intense energetic waves without guilt.

Edit: Another Feather

After I had posted this I was outside and at my feet was yet another feather! This one from a Pileated Woodpecker. 🙂 White Feathers/Stripes (Clarity & New Opportunities): White markings on the wings or face symbolize breaking through confusion, spiritual awakening, and the arrival of unexpected opportunities

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Recall: A Goal of My Higher Self

2/10/26 

My mind was oddly blank. I heard, “So what is next?” I answered, “I guess it’s time to find another man.” This really made feel deflated inside because there was a Knowing I planned it that way. I wondered why I couldn’t be more self-sufficient or Self-motivated – pave my own distinctive path? Unexpectedly I heard myself say, “That is why I chose to be female because it makes it easier to be passive when I tend to want to dominate”. 

It felt so True when I said it to myself and I Know it is exactly why I chose a female form. I remember the reality of being female hitting me around age 10 when my breasts started forming. I really dreaded becoming a woman. Back then I thought it was just because of how  women are treated, but it was more that it had to do with the position it put me in and its overreaching purpose in my life.

Funny but being passive does not seem easier at first but there is Knowing that if I had been male my goal would’ve been extremely difficult to achieve. 

Is this what I am here to learn? How to gracefully allow others to shine while I bow out? I see a visual of me bowing and motioning away from myself as if to say, “Your turn”, acknowledging that others are as worthy as I am rather than stealing the spotlight and accolades for myself.

Is it possible that I am here to build up others instead of myself and in doing so learn the value in doing so? To be an unseen hero in the lives of those I’ve overpowered or stomped out in previous incarnations?

If so, then I have failed in doing so for those closest to me and for that I am truly sorry. 

Motherhood most definitely assists me in that goal at least! And being a Projector has also! Oh damn!! I can see how I planned these aspects of my chart to complement my goals. 

It is clear to me this goal is part of an overall plan of many lifetimes to work on my character. It is specifically to “even it out” so as to not be more dominant or more passive but somewhere in the middle. I have tended towards a more dominant nature and would like to “correct” that about myself. As I type this an analogy comes to mind. It is like perfecting a “recipe”, adding and taking away ingredients and doing taste tests along the way until the final dish tastes exactly right. It is truly about my own goals to perfect myself based upon what I view as perfect. I can also see how very slow the progress has to be. It is not all done in one lifetime but over the course of many. I don’t know exactly how many. I believe I have already lived quite a few with this goal in mind because I have recollection of them. If I were to try to force too much character change into one lifetime it would backfire.

I wish I could relay how truly amazing it was to recall this about myself. Now, as I type it out nearly 24hrs later, it seems almost pointless to document.

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Therapy Revelations – Disorganized Attachment Style

I’ve had four sessions now. I find my sessions revelatory, not because of what my therapist says or asks but because of my responses. As a Self-Projected Projector my voice is my superpower. This last session I brought up my relationship with my mother when my therapist asked a few probing questions.

I usually need a couple of days to process my therapy sessions, sometimes longer. My therapist left me with some questions to ponder this time. Specifically she asked me to consider the injustice I felt both in childhood and am currently feeling with my failed marriage. She asked if I thought I could let go of that perceived injustice. She also asked me to consider why I felt I was a failure and why I tend to wait until I fail before I ask for help.

In considering her questions to me, I got to thinking a bit about attachment style because it seems to play a major role in my romantic relationships. I took the attachment style test a while back and I am disorganized attachment (fearful-avoidant) which is defined by the person’s strong desire to be close to someone but also a fear of getting close. About a year ago I did research into attachment style but really didn’t dive deep into it because it didn’t seem relevant. However, after yesterday’s session and a question by my therapist specifically asking me about my parents and if I felt safe with them, it became clear that my overall feeling of not being safe in life developed in my childhood and has been plaguing me since then. 

This attachment style developed mainly from my relationship with my mother but my father also played a role in it, of course. My mother was “hot and cold” with me. One minute she would be smiling, receptive and encouraging of love, hugs, snuggles and the next she would be upset or angry, yelling, or rejecting my attempts to hug, snuggle or love her. She also use to mock and humiliate me when she punished me and my siblings often even inviting my other siblings in to make fun of me or help punish me. For example, she had my older sister hold me down over the toilet bowl as she literally put soap in my mouth to “wash my mouth” of the bad word I said. Some of her behavior was also traumatic. For example, she use to threatened to leave me on the side of the road when we were driving in the middle of nowhere often pulling over and even opening the door. Other times she would threatened to leave me at the “all girls school” which was for “bad” girls like me. I remember feeling absolutely terrified of these things happening (I was very little, like 4-7yrs old). This creates a situation in a child where there is “fright without solution”. 

My father would often laugh when he punished us, especially if he was spanking us. He also threatened to not take me home during my visitation time with him. I usually didn’t want to visit him during his time with me but was forced to by my mom because the courts said she had to make me. He was really only this way during their divorce that I can recall. Prior to that I favored my father and would’ve called myself a daddy’s girl. Oh how I love him! I have fond memories of helping him work on his cars, him teaching me to ride my bike, and snuggling with him in bed early in the morning on school days. When he became his angry, vengeful self during the divorce, I watched the daddy I use to love turn into someone I was scared to be around.

My attachment style developed out of a push-pull dynamic around love. I want it desperately but I am also afraid of it because the love I grew up with was unsafe and unpredictable. This explains why I reacted how I did when I first experienced the Kundalini. It also explains why I have been told by many how I seem like “two different people”. I am this way in friendships and romantic relationships, always keeping a safe distance just “in case”. 

My ex is anxious attachment, I have no doubt. He got so desperate when I would withdraw that he resorted to coercion and other abusive tactics. Of course, my response would be to try and get as far away from him as I could, which I ultimately did with the divorce. I don’t know about my first husband. I think he may have been secure attachment because he always responded to my fearful avoidance with patience and acceptance. I also think he was secure attachment because I often found being with him “boring”, which I have since learned is a typical consideration of insecure attachment styles to attached individuals. Ha!

Once we recognize our attachment style we can use that awareness to recognize when we are acting out patterns that no longer help us. The fear I feel when I get “too close” is noticeable, always has been, and I have always acted on it. I think sometimes it was justifiable but many times it was not. I remember struggling in my first marriage because he was gone a long time. I had difficulty adjusting first to him leaving and then to him returning. I would get very avoidant and grumpy whenever he returned from his weeks long work assignments. He was always able to help me through it, though, and never made me wrong for being how I was. In my second marriage there was no help in adjusting whatsoever. Instead, my ex would panic and come on stronger, forcing hugs and closeness, and pointing out my flaws to make me feel shame for being how I was. There was no patience or acceptance of where my behaviors might have been coming from. He took it all very personally as if I was rejecting him or trying to be mean. The more I “rejected” him, the more coercive he became, the more I withdrew or reacted negatively and the cycle just continued and escalated to the point of becoming abusive. 

We were two wounded children acting out. That is it.  

I also notice that I tend to choose partners who work a lot and/or are gone a lot. This selection process happens subconsciously, of course. When my partner is around me for extended lengths of time I can get annoyed and agitated just because they are there. I often justify these feelings but honestly there is never a reason that makes sense.

Source

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Dreams: Prison Visit and New Position

Went to bed asking for healing of my second chakra since it was an area my guidance told me I should focus on. These are the dreams I had.

Prison Visit

I visited a jail. IDK if I was visiting a particular person or not but I do remember that I needed to use the restroom (seeking relief). So perhaps that was why I went? Anyway, inside there was a person who greeted me. I asked where the restroom was and was directed to the left, back of the space. I was in a hurry it seemed and rushed past a line of people checking into the prison. There were various types of people, young, old, male and female, standing in line wearing different types of clothing, some nice, some not so nice. Their faces were blank, eyes looking down at the floor or staring off into space. I walked past one younger guy who was more aware. He came up to me and told me he had pick pocketed me and showed me a tiny, golden bag tied with a ribbon (gift perhaps?). I took it and asked him how he got into my zipped purse. He just smiled at me mischievously. I looked inside to see if anything else was missing but couldn’t remember what all was inside. 

I left with my purse (self-worth, confidence) and went into the bathroom. Inside the toilets were exposed, no stalls. Each was clogged, some with toilet paper, others with tampons. I sat on a toilet clogged with tampons and relieved myself. The tampons were not soiled, which was odd. In fact, none of the toilets had anything gross in them, just white TP or tampons.

New Position (turns lucid)

I was with a group of people in a high class bar (meaningful transition). The lights were low, there were large mirrors on the walls and there was a golden hue to the space. Some well dressed men and women were with me who seemed to be guiding me. I had no idea where I was or what was going on. I felt out of place (unsure of path ahead) but kept getting reassured by the others. I was told I had a new position or job and sat down at a table across from a woman who seemed to know me. She began talking to me about technical things like computer programming (logical/technical). Instantly relieved I got into a conversation with her about it. This is when another woman approached and told me to come with her. I was going to leave to report to my new position. I went with the woman.

She took me to the car (life path), I got in and was on my way. I sat there looking out the window at the scenery as I drove. It was dark and the various lights from the city flew by so fast they appeared as streaks of blues, whites, reds and pinks. It was quite beautiful. After a while I became ultra aware that I was in the driver’s seat. I wasn’t driving, though. The steering wheel was moving on its own. Now lucid from the realization of my situation, I felt a bit of panic mixed with excitement. I looked up at the roof of the car considering flying up and out to go explore thinking, “I should get out of here” because I didn’t know if the car was safe. A feeling inside me stopped me as if saying, “No stay and observe.” I paused. I wondered, “Is this a self-driving car?” So I watched to see what would happen. The car was on a road traveling along it perfectly. I watched as the wheel moved appropriately with the road and felt the car’s speed fluctuate as needed. I relaxed, intrigued and curious, enjoying the ride. Then, out of nowhere an object came out from the edge of the road into the path of the car. The car hit it. I saw it as it hit the windshield. It was a large, stuffed objected resembling a Weeble Wobble toy. Honestly, looking back, it was quite funny, but in the dream I thought, “Was that a person?”. The car didn’t deviate from its path nor did it brake or suffer any damage. I noted it as evidence that I would be safe inside the traveling vehicle no matter what obstacles came into the road/path. I knew the toy resembled an individual, not a specific one, just any individual, that crosses my path. I woke. 

Reflection

Both dreams feel positive. The prison one is a healing dream. I have dreamed of being inside a prison in the past many times. In fact, one of my Light Code Oracle cards named “Fear” is of the view from inside a prison looking out. I believe the dream is showing me I am no longer a prisoner. I am given the gift of self-confidence (purse) and leave the prison with it. 

The second dream is reassuring me that my new path is one I have knowledge of and am prepared for. The car portion is further reassurance by actually showing me what this looks like/means. It reminds me of Human Design because in it the body is described as the vehicle and you are suppose to allow the higher self (magnetic monopole) to drive and just be an observer. As long as you listen to your strategy and authority (let the higher self drive) then you will be safe and stay on your path. 

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Transformation

My second day at work was yesterday. So far I feel welcomed and the people seem genuine. Today I am going into a couple of classrooms to introduce myself. I get to present a slideshow using an interactive whiteboard (its like a big touchscreen computer on the wall in each classroom). I’m a bit nervous but only about using the technology. So much has changed since I was last in a classroom! I have been assigned 3rd and 4th grade to teach guidance lessons and this starts the first week in December. Eventually I will see students one-on-one as needed. 

What I love already about this job is that the admin does not ask the counselors to help with any discipline. This is unheard of! The one complaint I had about my last counseling job was that they kept interrupting my day to have me assist with out of control students and other disciplinary issues. It is not the job of the school counselor to be an admin! So not having that as a complaint at this job will make the job almost perfect in terms of school counseling. 

It is also refreshing to work somewhere no one knows me. At my other job (family business) I could feel the family members judgmental attitude towards me. I was only in the office once a week, which helped, but when I was it wasn’t fun to feel that projected onto me. They had judgments because my ex would vent to them when he was upset with me and so, over the past 18 years, the negative remarks built up and they all decided I was “suppressive”. It is hard to change someone’s mind when they have decided who you are, even harder when they are in-laws. So, at this job when I meet someone, I feel no judgement which is so refreshing. They are genuinely happy to have me as part of the group, or at least it feels that way. I think my perspective has shifted, also. I am purposefully being open minded and attempting to remain aware of my own judgements. I am also being mindful of self-doubt that comes up when I feel unsure of myself. I am asking questions and allowing myself to be vulnerable in that way – very unlike me. 

In past jobs I worked to make money. In this job I am working to help and be of service. This shift will likely lead to some interesting revelations and lessons. I am trying to approach this new stage in my life as a child would – full of wonder and curiosity – rather than as a cynic. 

As I left the school yesterday, I saw a group of small children with an after school teacher. They were lined up and smiling, attentive and eager to learn. It brought up a memory of how I tend to be when OOB. I gravitate towards children and babies and in one OBE – “The Spiritual Processing Hub” was the name if I recall correctly – I remember being drawn to the babies and children and knowing they were always my favorite. This memory along with seeing the kids there as I walked to my car made it impossible not to burst into tears. 

Honestly, I don’t know where this is all coming from – the sense of wanting to be around children. I have have only felt that way when OOB and with my own kids but rarely with other people’s kids. However, in this job I am feeling great love for them all when I see them. I can’t help but smile. 

I also realized that this job matches my environment in Human Design. I am Markets Internal, which means I invite people into my space rather than going to an office or whatever to do my “work”. At this job I have my own office which I share with the morning counselor. She has set it up marvelously and so I don’t have to do anything to make it a good counseling space. When a student needs me they will come to my space and there I will work with them one-on-one. The guidance lessons are as a group in someone else’s space but what I am doing in unique to me so it seems applicable as well. 

This morning I was thinking of all of the above after some visions I had upon waking. One of the visions was of a snake. The snake sightings have stopped because I am not at my country home but I keep seeing them in other places – visions, and a snake like object in the parking lot the other day that made me jump. lol Snakes are transformation (also the Kundalini). I have been hoping I would have K energy again but I think at this time it is merely a transformation from one version of me to another. It saddens me a bit because I miss the K. It also scares me a bit, too. 

As if to confirm, I woke to this on my wall.

It’s called “Transformation”.

When decorating my new apartment bedroom, I selected some paintings I felt drawn to. This one is literally in front of me when I wake up. And across, on the other wall are three others. I see their order like drawing oracle cards – a message of the path I am currently one. 

The names of them, in order left to right, are: Health, Kundalini, and Mission. These can be found via my Walk-In Life blog if you would like to read the card descriptions.

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Dream: Uneaten Hamburger

Another dream to report.

I was with my ex inside an unfamiliar house. Sometimes the house resembled my mom’s house. I think we were sorting through and packing away items. I went to the closet and grabbed a clear box with a couple of items inside. I pulled out a bag with Whataburger written on it. Inside was an uneaten hamburger (satisfaction, having all you need in life, over indulgence).  I realized the hamburger was very old. It was never eaten and in perfect condition still in the wrapper. I mentioned it to my ex and was disappointed that it was not fit for consumption. I opened it up and inside were two patties. I mentioned this saying, “It even has two patties!” I took the burger to the back door. At this time the house resembled my mom’s house so there would have been a back deck. Where the deck should’ve been was an overgrown jungle of plants (journey into the unknown, untapped potential, fear). I tossed the uneaten burger into the plants and it landed under some ivy.  I could see that it opened up, exposing the perfectly round patties, side by side. I was hoping the dog (protection, companionship) would eat it (hope for satisfaction in the future) but the burger was so deep in the greenery that I knew the dog would not find it. This also disappointed me. What a waste, I thought.

I went back inside feeling pessimistic. I announced to my ex that I had decided to leave him everything I owned in my will because, “Why not? I have no one else to leave it to.” I felt a sense of defeat when I said this, as if everything was pointless. I had done so much and come so far but in the end, none of it mattered (sounds like the song – In the End, Lincoln Park”). My ex acted like he didn’t hear what I said nor notice my depressed state. Instead, he told me he and the co-owners of his company were going to find a way to pay me what was left for my shares of the company. He said, we already made an appointment with the bank. He was really excited because he would save the interest if he paid it off early. I wasn’t as excited. My mind was filled with worry over the lost interest and not getting a monthly payment for the next five years like I anticipated. I was handed a document that had the payment dates written on it. I saw each payment had a name and was shown as a transfer from the name to someone of the same name. None of it made much sense to me and the names, though I can’t recall them now, were not names of people but random, nonsensical words. 

Meaning

I think this is a worry dream reflecting some of my thoughts about my current situation and my worries about the future. Hamburgers symbolize life satisfaction and sustenance. They can also symbolize over indulgence and greed. The burger was untouched, packed away in a box in a closet indicating I was perhaps delaying gratification for a later date. This reminds me of what I and others often do when it comes to making decisions in life. We put it off saying, “I’ll do it when (insert condition) happens.” For me, I put off divorce for various reasons – the children, money concerns, uncertainty about the future, fear. I made so many excuses, convincing myself I needed to stay just a bit longer, until such and such happened and I felt more confident about the path ahead. The reality is I was afraid and uncertain. I didn’t have enough confidence that I could handle the consequences of making such a drastic life change. 

In the dream I am super disappointed about the perceived loss. I tossed it into a jungle of confusion and fear hoping it would at least get eaten by the dog and not be a complete waste. The dog never arrived to eat it because it was so deep in the jungle. Perhaps this represents the hope that I would not walk this unknown path alone only to realize I would have to do it alone? All I know is I felt defeated at that point in the dream. 

The last part of the dream reflects my thoughts from the previous day. I was suppose to go to an informational meeting about wills and trusts but opted out at the last minute. I didn’t see the point. I suspect all my assets will be eaten up over time anyway, leaving very little and making a trust pointless. Saying I would leave everything to my ex could be symbolic of feeling the pointlessness of how things turned out. My ex recently told me about paying off the loan early, probably in January. I was happy when I heard the news, but in the dream it felt like bad news because I worried how I would manage the money. Though I would love to retire now, it is much to early for the money to last the amount of time I might have left. I could be alive for another 20-30 years or more. I hope not, but without knowing for sure I don’t want to over budget and end up with nothing in my old age. 

I think the dream also reflects the regret I’ve felt here and there about the decision to divorce and lose, what I perceive as, a lifetime of financial security. 

When I woke I was considering options for the future. If I don’t find steady work, then as soon as this lease is up I need to move back to my country home and live a very minimal existence. I can live comfortably there for less than $1000/mo.  If I do this, then I could possibly live out the rest of my life there without worrying about money. This doesn’t take into account other factors like my children’s needs, health issues, relationship changes, etc. There is no way to predict what will happen. Trying to plan such things is pointless, really, because of all the unknown variables. I think I recognize this in the dream, too, when I notice how much time I wasted planning and waiting for something that never actually happened. The only real relief I’ve felt is in knowing I am no longer living with a timebomb. 

Good News

Around lunch time I got a call from the principal of the elementary school where I interviewed for a part-time school counselor position. The interview was three weeks ago today. She offered me the job and apologized for how long the process took. I accepted without hesitation. She told me HR would contact me but it may be two days or more because they are transitioning to a new system.

I was not surprised to get the job offer. When I first saw the job posting I thought, “I want that [job]”. I didn’t apply for a while after because I kept doubting myself and what I wanted. It has been difficult for me to find any motivation for work, much less other parts of life, lately. I finally did apply and got a request for an interview. I did superbly at the interview, the correct responses to the questions coming easily and without much thought.

There could still be a delay with the HR situation so I remain in a waiting period. I feel the entire delayed process is a reflection of my readiness both emotionally and mentally. A part of me is very afraid of this change and full of self-doubt. I have not worked in education since 2017. However, while at the interview, I said something that surprised me which is typical of a Self-Projected Projector. I told the interview panel that my plan was to return to school counseling and restart classes to get my LPC. Later, when I thought about it, the idea didn’t seem half bad. I was only two classes and an internship away from my LPC when I got pregnant with my youngest and decided to withdraw from the program. Can I return after so many years? Do I even want to? It may be what I need to do so I am going to explore the option.

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Reviewing my HD Chiron Return Recording

Listened to the recording of my HD Chiron Return reading last night. 

The first thing that caught my attention was my voice. It was hard to listen to; grating. Is this what I sound like to people right now? Geez! I immediately felt bad for the 5/1 Mental Projector giving me the reading. I was often talking more than her. I recognized this came from a sense of desperation, from a severe lack of being invited to speak my mind while another listens and gives me space. It has been so long since my voice/perspective has been genuinely requested by another and the result was this not-self version of my voice. 

The good thing is that I noticed the grating of my voice lessened at certain times. If I was coming from a place of my not-self it was more intense and grating, hard to listen to. If I was coming from a place of genuine Knowing, or my G center (heart in regular chakra terms), then my voice was much smoother. My voice has never been something I like to hear, just because it sounds so different from how it sounds from within, but hearing this recording screamed/demanded recognition. True recognition isn’t demanded, it is gifted. 

Regardless, I listened past the tone of my voice and tried to focus on what the analyst was saying. I wish I had given her more space to do her job. I don’t like appearing super needy. I’ve actually accused (been accusing) my ex of this more times than I can count. Now I recognize that criticism of him was a hidden revelation of self. 

Thankfully the analyst recognized that I, as a SPP, needed to be asked specific questions in order to pull out the wisdom I don’t know I have. Her questions revealed exactly what lies ahead, my path and purpose clearly stated by myself more than once. She also reminded me of my purpose via her knowledge of my chart. Everything is in the chart/bodygraph. Spotting past decisions in the chart is easier than predicting future ones, though. For example, she showed me where, during my Uranus Opposition, there was fixed condition in my personality earth – Gate 1: The Creative, line 3, the energy to sustain creative work:

(Detriment) Material forces can disrupt creativity and lead to overambition. Materialism disrupts creativity.

This part of my personality impacted my decision to wait until the right time to leave my husband. In my previous marriage, I gave up material gain and later regretted it. The next four years I was hindered by the need to make money and survive. I decided I didn’t want this to happen again, so I waited until the right time and gathered resources while I waited. The resources I gathered and acquired via the divorce ensured I would not be hindered by material concerns. The analyst said that this decision set in motion events leading to the present. My Chiron chart shows evidence of this preparation as well: Gate 14. 

The gate is called Prosperity. In the traditional Chinese translation, it’s called Possession In Great Measure. It’s a gateway of harvesting. An effort is made, implemented, and the result is you reap the results of your labor. It’s very specific how this all takes place. And it says there is a knack in learning to embody genuine ease in situations involving resources of property, wealth, and affluence. 

I have line 2 which states that I recognize I need help to acquire this wealth. It also (detriment) can be that I think I can do it all on my own without anyone’s help. In my case, I recognized that I needed my ex and his business to create wealth and that I needed his agreement to accumulate some for myself. I was able to get his agreement and so succeeded. 

There were other instances of this but this was the most mind-blowing, IMO. The analyst agreed. 

Towards the end we got to my life beyond the Chiron Return and what that will look like. If I make it through this gauntlet I will be a completely new person. Somehow the question about how that might look to me came up. My response was that I believed I came here to help and so, based upon how my life has played out thus far, I believe my next “life” will involve a significant romantic relationship. My life thus far, my purpose and direction, has been via my romantic relationships. I help them and when I am done I move on. This next relationship must be just right. There will be no settling or accepting anything less than what I want. I mentioned I believe it will be a K-Connection and we will work together with that connection. I told her the connection is a necessity because I will not accept anything else. The Divine Love and Oneness I experienced has made normal, human, transactional love repellant to me. The exact “work” we will do together didn’t come up but it will be related to the Kundalini in some way.

The analyst brought up how, in HD, the solar plexus is going through a transformation and is shifting from an energy center to an awareness center. The transactional love humans experience here is “foreign” (perhaps implanted to hinder our evolution) and is on its way out. Part of this transition can already be seen. Love will be a whole new experience after 2027 but the transition will be gradual. She believes I might be here to be an example of what love is suppose to be pointing to my cross (purpose) during the Chiron, the Right Angle Cross of Contagion.

Finally, I said some things that helped bring clarity to my current situation. I had an interview on Friday and was not sure if I wanted to take the job if offered. Part of me does but another part of me doesn’t. I stated during my reading that I should “walk away” from my life, but am struggling with leaving my kids behind as it would be considered “abandoning” them. I suggested I take a long cruise or trip that kept me away 6-12 months and let the cards fall where they may while I’m gone. I even mentioned that, while I don’t know what will take me away for that length of time, I do feel that timing is key. Something will come along at the right time that will feel correct and I will leave. 

How does this relate to my current situation? Well, when listening to my own Knowing on the recording, I recognized working at a school was not what I want to do and doing so would only repeat old patterns that no longer serve me. I don’t need to work, so why not take this time to work on me and enjoy not working? When I had this realization my guide came forward and held out his hand. He asked me if I was ready and reminded me I had help and was not alone. There was a Knowing with his request that taking his hand meant making some difficult changes, not just in life decisions but in myself. Change takes time, especially change that involves breaking unhealthy habits (weak boundaries, accepting the wrong invitations regularly, being a people pleaser, giving into others requests/demands despite it not being correct for me, etc.) I took his hand and burst into tears.

I was able to get a glimpse of the future me. I recognized her. I’ve been her before. I AM her. I just have to clear the cobwebs and debris from my life so her light can shine as brightly as intended.

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From 6/2 SPP to 2/4 Emotional Projector

Being this emotional is exhausting. I don’t know how emotionally defined people do it! I get that I am now an emotional projector because of my Chiron Return but this is for the birds. I can’t go one day without breaking into tears. Stupid stuff makes me cry but so does the other, deeper stuff. And the anger and other emotions that come up are not only surprising but scary at times. I want to act on how I feel and, though I know not to, have done a few things I later regretted.

For example, my ex put $8200 on one of my credit cards without my permission so I reported it as fraud. He retaliated by asking the other owners of the business to fire me, which they did but I was able to negotiate myself a couple more weeks of work plus cash out my 3 weeks pay in exchange for training my replacement. So, I was forced to quit because I opted to act during one of my emotional waves rather than wait it out. C’est la vie.

It is very real to me now how the emotional wave works. I’ve read about it and have seen it in others (my daughter and youngest son) but to actually experience it is a whole new ballgame. 

So, during this transit my normal bodygraph (left) is influenced by the bodygraph of the transit (right), which, in this case, is a 2/4 Emotional Projector. I am still a SPP but with the added bonus of having a defined root and solar plexus. The combined charts, however, give you a better idea of what is going on.

Talk about an entirely new person! Woah. It helps explain what I’ve been going through, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I really would like to go back to normal me, now, please. That me felt safer, more familiar and less overwhelmed. I like being able to turn my emotion on and off at will. 

There is a lot of info in these bodygraphs and I don’t have time or really any interest in diving deep into all of it. What stands out to me, though, is the Educational Channel – Recognition (30-41). This is the channel that I gain during the transit, it is the only channel of the 2/4 Projector. Thus, it is the likely source of all this emotion and all my imaginings of possible future paths. 

This channel represents the energy of setting intentions and feeling deeply about life. You’re designed to carry the potential for manifesting desires by identifying what truly matters and then channeling your passion toward making those experiences come to life.​

Gate 30 (The Clinging Fire): You bring the intensity of feelings and the fire of desire into all that you pursue. Your passion helps you commit to your intentions with devotion, giving you the drive to overcome challenges and pursue what you truly want. 

Gate 41 (The Fantasy): You have a natural ability to envision possibilities and dream about what could be. This gate represents the seed of new desires and the beginning of emotional cycles that help you initiate new experiences in your life. 

Together, these gates empower you to pursue dreams with focus and intensity, inspiring others to follow their own heartfelt desires. You’re here to recognize the desires that are truly aligned with your purpose and to follow your inner fire to make those dreams a reality. Source

The issue is that I am struggling to see any ideal future path for myself. None of the paths truly call to me. I understand that is because all the data is not there just yet but it is frustrating to not feel that familiar feeling in my G center that says the path is the correct one for me. Instead, all I feel is crazy emotion and that emotion makes it hard to see/sense/feel my internal compass.

For example, I see the path of retreating to my new country home and using that time to heal and sort out what I want. The issue with this path is I feel it would be unwise to spend too much time alone right now. I am struggling with the emotion that insists on overwhelming me. I know to let it pass, to ride the wave, but when done, I feel exhausted. There are moments of clarity and relief at the end of the wave but they are short lived. Then another wave starts and it happens all over again.

Then there is the path of finding work so that I have something to keep me occupied whilst going through this hellish, emotional ride. I run into the two me’s issue here: the me who is ready to experience anything and the me who is just wants to curl up in a ball and give up. I’ve been working-from-home for nearly 8 years. I’ve grown use to that schedule and I like it. The idea of going back to a 9-5 is not appealing and I push the thought away only to get a nudge from within reminding me that once, not too long ago, I enjoyed work, even looked forward to it. And yes, it was a 9-5.

The other day, on whim, while I was feeling hopeful and positive (rare these days), I decided I would fill out an application to be a substitute school counselor in the school district my children attend. There was a sense at the back of my mind that doing so would open a pandora’s box so to speak (this links to another experience I’ll share in a later post). Meaning, it was very, very likely this seemingly minor decision would result in a job opportunity.

Sure enough, two days later I received a phone call from a high school asking if I would consider interviewing for an open school counselor position. They wanted me to interview the next day. I reacted with “Oh, wow.” They said, “I know it’s short notice but we’re kinda desperate.” So, not sure what to do, I figured I would interview because, why not? Worse case scenario, nothing comes of it and I got to practice my interview skills which are very, very rusty.

The interview was yesterday. I did okay. I wasn’t prepared because I don’t really ever prepare, I just wing it. Usually that works for me if the job is meant for me. I did find the group who interviewed me to be friendly, their energies not unpleasant. The school itself is HUGE and that was a bit intimidating. I may have said too much in the interview and became emotional towards the end (grrrr!) so who knows what will come of it. Either I will get offered the job or I won’t. If I get offered the job I will go with what spontaneously arises from my mouth because, well I am a SPP. lol If it is a yes, then a new adventure awaits and the scared me will need a lot of consoling and hand holding.

Of course, I’ve already considered my options and if I go with yes it requires a lot of change on my part. I cannot confront the hour drive from my country home one-way every day. So, I’ll have to handle that. My ex says I can live at the family home (with him) which is a nice gesture but NOT a good idea. He is the source of most of my emotion right now and the last thing I need is to have that triggered on a daily basis. Counseling takes an emotional toil as well and I will need space alone to decompress. So, I might have to rent an apartment. It is doable but not ideal.

I had decided to not take the job if it is offered, crying over the idea of it but also crying over the idea of it not being an option. Eventually, some calm descended and I was reminded again of a time when I looked forward to going to work, felt successful and accomplished, and created meaningful, lasting relationships. That version of me is still in there somewhere. Wouldn’t it be nice to resurrect her?

Anyway, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. At this point I don’t care one way or the other.

Cycle Cross

One last thing…with my Chiron I get a new cycle cross: Right Angle Cross of Contagion. While this cross (purpose) initially sounds cringy (I thought virus when I heard it lol), it actually means that I inspire others to the point that it catches like fire.

Right Angle Cross of Contagion 2 in Human Design

Primary Energy Flow: Contribution → Possession in Great Measure – Power Skills → Desire → Perseverance

Beginning with the drive to contribute (Gate 8), this variation starts with practical impact and builds toward sustained passion.

Characteristic Traits:

  • Leads with meaningful action
  • Naturally practical approach
  • Strong resource management
  • Develops passionate commitment over time

Professional Expression:

  • Excels in resource development roles
  • Natural talent for business building
  • Effective at creating sustainable systems
  • Strong at implementing practical solutions

Relationship Dynamics:

  • Forms connections through shared goals
  • Builds relationships through practical support
  • Develops deeper emotional bonds over time
  • Maintains connections through consistent effort

Challenge Areas:

  • May appear too practical initially
  • Needs to develop emotional expression
  • Can struggle with showing enthusiasm early on
  • Must learn to balance practicality with passion

Life Purpose:

This variation is designed to create change through practical contribution first, building passionate commitment through proven success. They are the “foundation builders” who develop sustainable enthusiasm. Source

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Wounded Healer Cycle: Wound, Work, Resolution

I had a Human Design Chiron Return reading last Wednesday but I’m still process it.

The entire week was a rough one and I am still working through some crazy emotions this week. It is all part of the wounded healer cycle of Chiron Return and at least now I know the specific cycle and how to use this knowledge to my advantage.

First, last week was horrendous in terms of emotional healing work. I was house sitting for my mom, so back in my childhood home, which I find fitting considering the healing work that I’m doing (forced to do). I spent the darkest days of my Saturn Return at the same house and, of course, part of my childhood years as well. It was not lost to me that I had come full circle, back to the beginning so to speak, or the end depending on how you view it. So I KNEW some work was about to happen, but I had no clue how intense it would be.

I purged in ways I didn’t know possible. Aside from the decimation I felt after my heart connection ghosted me, this has been the most challenging process I’ve had to go through – and it is far from done! The emotion would hit me mainly in the solar plexus but also other chakras as if giving me notice of what kind of emotion was coming up for release. It would hit so hard I could hardly breathe and my entire body would shudder. It felt as if I were dying at times. The emotions often made no sense. They were chaotic and unorganized, bouncing around inside until released. I found that walking, sometimes outside, other times back and forth inside, was soothing to my system. I must have walked miles of circles around the living room!

The day of the reading I had already gone through two days and three nights of purging. The reading was interrupted twice by thunderstorms which knocked out the power, and the internet, which I felt was symbolic of my inner turmoil. Thankfully, the storm passed and I was able to get the data I was looking for.

My Chiron Wounded Healer Cycle:

WOUND: 3.6 Surrender

The ultimate maturity to recognize when struggle is futile. 

Sun exalted. As its light sustains, so life goes on. The innate acceptance that ordering is a process, not a problem. 

Pluto detriment. As darkness overwhelms, life can seem worthless leading to depression and the sense of hopelessness. The overwhelming power of confused energy can lead to depression.

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WORK: 3.3 Survival

The ability to recognize and distinguish between fertile and sterile in their various manifestations. 

Venus exalted. In reproduction, the ability to choose the best mate. An innate knowing of what is sterile and what is fertile where the mutation is specifically biological and dependent on collaboration with others. 

Pluto detriment. The perverse denial of evolutionary standards. An innate contrariness which refuses to mutate.

—————————-

RESOLUTION: 3.1Synthesis

Difficulties can be only overcome when all the pertinent factors have been analyzed. 

Earth exalted. The understanding that confusion is natural and must always exist before clarity can be achieved. An innate knowing that order will emerge from confusion. 

Mercury detriment. The reliance on intellect at the expense of intuition can lead to unnecessary frustration. The inability to know that order will emerge and the drive to find this knowing elsewhere.

——————————

Pluto is really a pain in my ass. Look at those depressing detriments!

I tend to go into depression on the wound part. I think I enjoy it to the extent that I’ve become somewhat addicted to it. I love to wallow in the melancholic. It can be quite beautiful. It always leads to a release via clarity.

In the work stage I come to recognize my healing is tied to my connections, especially my mate (is this from Venus I wonder?). In this particular instance it is my ex but I think at the core the wound came from much earlier and through familial bonds.

When I reach the healing part I understand a process must play out and I relax into it, trusting all will work out as intended. I’ve been really struggling to stop investing in the outcome, though. Thinking of all the “what if’s” has kept me awake one too many nights.

I wish the cycle wouldn’t repeat every day, though. Sigh. 

Core Wound

I think one of my core wounds was triggered during my parent’s divorce. My world was turned upside down. I struggled with anger and other emotions and had to go to counseling. They labeled me “emotionally disturbed”. The chaos of the situation was too much for me and my parents were so caught up in their own personal chaos that they weren’t really able to help me. My mom did, later, at the urging of the school because my behavior was creating issues. She was advised to move me away from my dad whose behavior was the source of my reactive behavior.

My dad was emotionally distant and struggled to express love. He very angry and vengeful and targeted my mom through us, especially me. I didn’t want to see him when it was time for visitation. My older sister could stay home since she was old enough, but me, being only 8, and my younger sister, 5, had no choice. I would often have meltdowns as he came to pick us up. I remember being forced to get in his car and my mom telling me how sorry she was but that I had to go.

On the car rides to his place where he lived with his new wife, he would tell me how she was my “new mom” and I would be living with them and how he planned to not take me back home to my mom. I didn’t like it there. The woman was a stranger to me and seemed cold and uncaring. She had kids my age, though, which helped distract me via our playtime. 

My dad broke into the house and threatened my mom. She bought a gun out of fear for her safety. I never knew what I would find when I came home. One time he broke into the house and stolen a jar of change I had in my bedroom.

I was so traumatized by these interactions with my dad that I began to memorize the path to his house. I didn’t realize I was doing this until my mom asked me if I could take her there. My dad had purposefully hidden his location from her to avoid being arrested for not paying child support. My mom recalled how I seemed to know even the tiniest of details about how to get there. In the end, I took her directly to the house, she noted the address and then took me to Dairy Queen for an ice cream reward. 

When I was 10yrs old, my dad had me and my sisters for a week at his apartment in Houston. He left us alone most of the day while he worked. When it was time to go home my dad refused to take us. I went into panic mode and began to cry and protest loudly. He laughed. It was an evil, sadistic kind of laugh and made me all the more afraid. He only laughed like that when he had the intention to hurt or harm. I demanded to call my mom and he eventually let me. She asked me for location and I told her what I knew. It must have been more info than my dad thought I had and he eventually changed course and took us home. I didn’t see him for years after that. 

So, this core wound is connected to relationships with men, the first man being my own father. It is connected to feelings of trauma, uncertainty, loss of control and fear. It is connected to panic and a strong desire to run and get away. My little child mind was unable to handle the chaos and confusion I felt inside. And now I am feeling many of these same feelings but the circumstances are very different. I’m not in danger. No one is threatening to kidnap me or keep me from going home. Yet my trauma has been triggered and the feelings rise up to be released and I must not over identify with them because they are old, stagnant and do not apply to the present situation. 

When I visited Costa Rica I recall standing on the rocky coastline looking out at the ocean. I could hear nothing but the roaring of the waves. Numb and feeling uncertain about my future, my guide whispered, “You are safe here.” I immediately burst into tears. It was the first time I recognized how unsafe I felt. I believe this was a foreshadowing of what I am experiencing now. 

I don’t feel safe in this world, in this body, in this life, and it causes me to put distance between myself and others. I don’t trust others or this world because I was let down by my father, someone who was suppose to love me and keep me safe. He was suppose to cherish me and protect me from harm. But he did the opposite and the scars are destroying my relationships.

I don’t know how to resolve this. I know this wound was there before I came into this life. It was just reopened by my childhood experiences and then later opened via other instances where similar feelings arose. The circumstances that trigger the feelings are not important. It is the feelings themselves that are destructive because they come with decisions. Decisions like, “I wont let this happen to me again”, or “I can’t trust anyone. I can only trust myself.” These decisions have dictated my path up until now. I have retreated so far into myself that I don’t know if I can come back. And when I do, I fear opening up to and trusting others. To do so would be risky. That little child comes out and wants to run and hide. 

The most memorable part of the emotional releases I’ve been experiencing are just how physical they are. Again, the closest experience to this was when my heart connection stopped communicating with me. I remember the only way I got through that time was to surrender. This came via an OBE where I was struggling in a vast, dark ocean, nearly drowning. When I surrendered, I floated there and stared at the stars in the night sky. The dark waves eventually deposited my body on the beach where I remember celebrating. From that point on it was still difficult but at least I could breathe. I guess I need to do the same with this, only my Chiron Return isn’t actually done until May 2027.

The HD analyst told me that it seems like my process had a jump start (it began mid-year last year) and explained that happens sometimes. She is halfway through her Chiron and just now noticed it. Of course I would plan my life to jump head first into heavy emotional crap.

I’ll write another post about the content of the reading soon. Here is a song that was sent to me recently to remind me to surrender.

by

1-8 Channel: The Empty Shell of Melancholy

This is an in-your-face post about the 1-8 Channel of Melancholy in HD. This is my ONLY defined channel and, to make it that much more painful, it is half aware and half not.

I’ve researched and read as much as anyone can about HD to somehow try and figure out why I am the way I am. Pretty much everything I read makes the components of my design – Projector, Self-Projected, 1-8 Channel, wide-open design – all nice and pretty. I have not found even one post or article where the writer has said, “This design is the most difficult one to have. You really must have wanted a challenge when you selected it. Good luck! You’ll need it!”.

Your “special”. Your design is very “specific”. This is what the analyst said to me during my reading. Ha! She was trying to be nice but I could hear in her voice that she knew that my design was a curse. I could tell she was grateful that she did not have my design.

For those who may have forgotten, here is my bodygraph:

It may not seem that open, but just wait until you separate it into conscious and unconscious channels:

Personality = conscious. Design = unconscious. The two parts of myself do not know about the other. My only defined channel, the 1-8, is ONLY defined when the two parts come together. Our defined channels are what creates who we are. I only have one channel, one component that defines who I am, and I am half aware of it. Just ONE. That is it. The rest of me is open, but I prefer to say “empty” because that is how I feel. It makes perfect sense now why I have always felt this nothingness inside because – LOOK at my bodygraph – I AM EMPTY!

Below is what I wrote in my personal journal this morning. I am not really even sure why I was thinking about HD as it has not been on my mind. The truth is a hard pill to swallow (sayeth my guides).

I woke up thinking about my HD and how open I am. The only way I am going to ever feel complete, without this “void” within, is to do the one thing I do not want to do – interact with others. Why? Because my design IS a void! All I am is openness which translates to feeling this empty, void inside all.the.time. It is my reality. I know nothing else. I have no direction, no motivation, no nothing except long periods of not-Knowing and small, fleeting moments of sudden Knowing. Yet I desire to be alone and when I am around others I usually want to getaway from them very quickly. But the minute I get alone all I feel is empty, nothingness.

I have this deep desire to connect to a certain energy that “tastes” right to me. So I am always searching it out, but rarely find it. When I contact someone, I know straight away if their energy is correct for me. It is almost never correct. Yet, when I do find someone that is correct for me and interact wit them, perhaps getting into a relationship with them (friend, romance, etc), they tend to grab onto me until, at some point, I can’t take it anymore and am desperate to get away from them. 

It’s a curse and it further proves that I, for some reason, desired to challenge (punish) myself this life. It is clear there will never be a time when I am not empty inside. That is who I am: empty. Just look at my HD bodygraph! Look how empty I am!

I also woke upset that those romantic connections that truly “tasted” correct all turned their backs on me in the end. One in particular had a very nicely defined HD bodygraph. It is okay. His design makes him full inside (very defined compared to me). He has no need for me, “this empty shell of melancholy who very seldom Knows anything of value for very long” (in quotes because I’ve decided this sums up who I am very nicely).

I find it funny that when I got my HD reading the analyst decided to use the word “special” to describe my very specific design. Ha! She was trying to be nice, to make the curse seem like a blessing. No way is this a blessing! I’m empty inside. I have no drive or purpose that is inherent in my design. I’m never going to fit in (Projector). I’m sad all the time. Who wants to be around someone like that? I don’t even want to be around me! 

The thing that is really upsetting is that the ONLY way I am going to feel somewhat alive is to be in contact with others. If I remain alone, the only thing I will feel is empty. If I want to stay away from others and their tendency to make a slave out of me and not see me (which is 95% of them) then I have to be okay with feeling empty, nothingness all the time. Apparently, the nothingness inside, which is composed of that (beautiful?) melancholic feeling I’ve come to hate so, is the one and only way for me to find my (supposed) creative genius that leads to those limited “ah-ha” moments of Knowing. When I am in that Knowing I feel successful, powerful….ALIVE. Sigh. But it never lasts. Never. And really the only thing I desire in life is for that feeling to last. Is that too much to ask? 

The curse is that I need others but also need to be alone at the same time. I am a walking conundrum.