The first time I ran with a horse, my sister-in-law and I took Chocolate (choco-latte) for a ride into town to get some groceries and a bite to eat. I was asked by my sister-in-law to ride another horse named Joy, but it was late and I was nervous about riding in the dark. I have not ridden one of the horses yet and the last thing I wanted to do is ride in the dark for that first ride.

On the ride in, Chocolate seemed to want me to be in the lead. So that is what I did and he perked up and displayed an eagerness to follow me. So, I decided to start running and my sister-in-law loosened up the reins and let him do as he pleased. He followed along at a trot and then ran faster to keep up with me. He preferred to run with his head right at the back of my head, nose at my ponytail, and my sister-in-law tried to move him to the right of me but he would continue to go back into that position. When I stopped he would stop. When I ran, he ran. He would sync his pace to mine every time.

We reached the grocery store and I was kind of fatigued and hungry, so my sister-in-law went the rest of the way while I stayed behind. She wanted to check on her garden keeper, Jose, who had a sick daughter. Chocolate wouldn’t go where she wanted at first. He circled around back behind me as if questioning, “Isn’t she coming?” I watched them leave and then ordered some food at a small restaurant where I watched people come and go. There was much more activity than I expected, but then it was a Saturday night.

When my sister-in-law returned she joined me for dinner and afterward we did our grocery shopping. Chocolate was tied up in a safe place but the entire time he kept his eyes on us and I could feel that he just wanted to be with us. If he could’ve, he would’ve stood right beside our table at the restaurant and probably would’ve tried to eat our dinner!

At one point, while Chocolate was standing with us, he beelined it for a man who was on the other side of the road. The man turned out to be from the US and had lived at a horse ranch for two years. He was very comfortable with Chocolate and seemed genuinely honored that Chocolate chose him to say “hello” to. The man was, however, carrying a package of vanilla sandwich cookies and he gave one to Chocolate who eagerly ate it up. We joked that it was the cookie Chocolate really was interested in. lol

On the trip home it was completely dark and started to rain. I had a small flashlight and took the lead. I would run and Chocolate would run behind me. Eventually, though, he began to run right beside me, his neck and shoulders lined up with me. At times he would get so close that when I turned toward him he would be only inches away but it made me laugh and feel more free to have him that close. He felt like a companion and it was clear we were synched up, both feeling the same joy and exhilaration of running.

During the homestretch I took off in a sprint and I could hear Chocolate do the same. I was laughing and screaming at the thrill of the feeling. I felt like a child playing a game of tag.

My sister-in-law was surprised at how comfortable I was with a horse as large as Chocolate that close to me while I was running. I never once felt fear or concern about how close he was. I just enjoyed myself and felt the freedom that I typically feel when I run. I think that might be why chocolate was so eager to run by my side. I was not mired down in thoughts, anxieties or worries, but living in the moment, which is exactly where horses are all the time.

Last night we tried it again with a different horse named Beloved. Same result but she was more serious as if she were “working” while Chocolate was more relaxed. Chocolate would be saying (if he could talk), “Yes! Let’s run!” and Beloved would be saying, “Must run. Must run.” lol

Update

Running with horses is just one piece of my healing journey, of course. There is a lot happening, though most of it is internal. With the freedom and space to be myself and feel myself, shit has been coming to the surface for release. It is intermittent, but frequent enough for me to recognize that I it will be a slow process.

I’ve tried to stay away from the internet and social media more and I believe it is best that I do because when I have, there have not been good feelings arising from the few interactions I’ve had. It feels like the Universe is saying, “Step away.” If I don’t, then something distasteful comes up.

For example, one day, while just lounging on a hammock listening to nature sounds and soaking up the space around me, someone left a comment on my FB page. I went ahead an answered but soon realized I should have just turned off my phone. The person was someone who frequently engages in conversation with me so I didn’t feel any dis-ease about it but it was apparent that my responses were not what was expected or wanted. There was a blow up on her end where I was accuse of not being open to new things/suggestions and using my blog and FB only to get attention. While I wasn’t triggered by the interaction I was saddened by it.

To be honest, I am not being very open to new things and new people right now – purposefully. I am very selective and cautious, seeking only those interactions that call to me. What I feel directed to do is Be with myself, nurture myself, and give myself the space to process the crap I have not felt safe enough to process. My favorite things to do right now is be in nature and interact with all the creatures in it from butterflies to monkeys, horses, plants, water and everything in between.

I specifically don’t want to be around people very much. Sure, I do interact with others, but rarely and very selectively. For example, I had a wonderful Lomi Lomi massage on Monday by a woman who came to my location. She integrated energy work into her massage, which was wonderful. Similarly, while having dinner with my SIL a couple of nights ago, I met a woman from L.A. who was in the process of relocating here and listened to her experiences and stories finding many similarities to my own. She had been to Mt. Shasta like me and it helped me recognize the very different energies of vortex locations and their purposes and affect on me. Mt. Shasta is elevating, Cabuya is purging. The energy here is very specific – it says “you are safe” and “allow yourself to feel, BE and release”. This, apparently is the experience of many others who visit, also.

This morning I awoke from a dream in which I was once again in a school as a teacher. I won’t go into details of the dream, but when I awoke my guidance and I discussed where I’m at presently in my life. I was also asked to “see” my future, which I can do but honestly don’t want to because I’ve been let down so much by doing that. I struggle to keep expectation out of what I see. I recognized that I will, at some point, want to be around people again, that I will be more available to others in a giving/healing capacity like I once was so many years ago (another lifetime it seems). Where I’m at now is not that at all. It is the complete opposite.

Eventually, when asked to contemplate where I am heading, I was asked if I could see or imagine the person I will one day become. I can’t and the thought of being that way makes me want to hide and curl up in a ball.

Ultimately, my response was, “I’m not ready”, and a part of a song came to mind and began to repeat:

I just want the bad feelings to end
But there’s some shit I can’t forget
I don’t think I’m ready yet
Hit me up another time
Maybe one day I’ll change my mind

This is the whole song if you’re interested:

This morning when I opened the front door, a massive butterfly the size of my hand flew past me. Something about seeing it reminded me of the conversation with my guide and the song above. I started to cry as I swept the floor and prepared for my day. The realization that I’m not ready caused the tears. I want to be ready. I’m so tired, though, and it is obvious I need a lot of rest and self-care.

A Typical Day

I wake around 5:30am and linger in bed for a while before waking to make my coffee and lounge around a bit more. I am working remotely, so I usually log in and check emails, etc. Some days I put this off and other days I get right to business. Usually while working I open the front door and sweep away the previous night’s insect party remains (lol).

Sometimes I lay in the hammock, other times I follow that morning’s nature sound to figure out what it is. Usually this curiosity leads me to something fascinating. For example, two days in a row I heard strange sounds, followed them and found a troop of capuchin monkeys. The second day I did this, I arrived just in time to see two fall mid-flight to the ground and not get up. I stood watch for a while and marveled at how the troop remained close by to make sure their fallen comrades were not alone. The two eventually woke up, dazed and stumbling around, to join the troop.

Then I go out to help feed and tend to the six horses. I spend time with them, give them water and showers with the hose and clean out their water trough. Often I go and pick mangoes to give them as a treat. Afterward, I make breakfast for my SIL and myself and we usually talk and decide what may happen that day.

The rest of the day I do whatever I feel like doing. Yesterday I went for a swim with the horses (SIL came, too) in the sea and then went for a horse run to the local grocery store. Many days, though, I don’t do much besides work and lay around. In the evening I usually lay in the hammock or talk with my SIL. I have taken a trip to the closest town a couple of times. I caught the bus with my SIL and then got on another one into the bigger town called Cobano where we buy larger items and have access to more stores, etc. This is where I will go to get my Covid test before I finally leave on the 18th.

By evening I am usually already getting tired by 6-7pm. The sun is setting anyway and my eyes and body feel heavy to the point that I can’t often fight the tiredness. Some nights the night creatures startle me. For examples, I keep having visits by land crabs. One was even trapped in my kitchen sink! I also see lots of large toads on my porch. I like to watch them stuff themselves on the buffet of fresh bugs my light attracts. The geckos are also interesting but I dislike them because they leave poop gifts all over, sometimes in my coffee cup! Yuck! I have to keep a fan on high in my room to stay cool and keep any flying bugs away. The mosquitoes can get really bad at night. Some mornings I wake up to random mystery bites on my body that itch and I wonder what critter crawled in bed with me. Thankfully, I sleep so good I don’t notice the bugs if they are on me.

Lately I’ve been missing some modern conveniences like a/c and hot showers. I even looked for a resort to spend my last week at but have not felt motivated to follow through. You can get a room at a resort for $700/week or less! Some come with great perks like breakfast and dinner included and/or a free Covid test. Ha! I get tired of some of the drawbacks of the simple life like septic systems that can’t handle TP (you put it in the trash and it tends to stink) and sauna like conditions that only go away in the late evening hours. I am sweating most of the time and it can make me feel dirty and gross. I also wish I had a car. I can go most places on foot but the best ones are too far to walk to. It would be nice to have some better food options and to not have to put everything in the fridge because of ants eating through the packages and feasting on unopened food! Thankfully ants don’t seem to like coffee. lol

Messages

Here are a some pictures of the critters I’ve seen repetitively and the messages they bring. All of the messages are true for me right now.