Daily Archives: August 22, 2014

by

Skunk – June, 2013

gtotem_skunkFor the past week, skunks have been showing. I have not yet seen one, but nonetheless they are around. The first couple of times they were on the T.V. so I didn’t really take notice. Then this morning my mom comes over and says, “You have a BIG skunk coming toward your house!” She then told me where he was. When I looked, I didn’t see him.

Even though skunk has not made his presence known to me directly, I think I should take note of what he has to teach me. The skunk shows us how to be peaceful and when to fight back. Some key words are prudence, protection, confidence, awareness, effectiveness, good judgement, and awareness. The skunk reminds us to be calm and centered in times of stress and anxiety. It also shows us how to use our own better judgement about when to act in defense of ourselves. Finally, the skunk shows reminds us that what we think of ourselves is how other will perceive us and to be wary of how we present ourselves to others.

The skunk as a totem indicates the coming of opportunities which will bring out new respect and self esteem. He indicates lessons associated with increased sensuality physically, sexually, psychically, and spiritually. He reminds us to examine our self-image and that people are going to take notice. You can control how others view you – you are in control of this. This message is a good one for me, so I am grateful to skunk for sharing it with me.

Yesterday I spent the day in a haze. It is hard to describe my emotional state except to say I felt numb – emotionless. So it was no surprise that I broke into tears when I got home after getting some bad news even though the bad news was really trivial.

I have to stop holding in my emotions and putting up the front that I am okay. But I know better than to show the people I work with my emotions. They ask too many questions and I feel weak and exposed. I am told I need to talk to my husband more. I know I do, there just doesn’t seem to be any time to.

My sleep has been fitful to say the least. I wake up several times a night and then go back to sleep. When I wake in the morning after a night like this I feel lethargic and tired. So, last night I took something to help me sleep hoping it would help. It did, but I still woke up twice.

I don’t remember much of my dreams but what I do remember is confusing. In one dream I was visiting a woman’s house. She lived in the country and I remember seeing her home, a white single-wide trailer house, sitting amongst a green field that was fenced off from other parts of the land which was owned by the neighbors. When I got to the house there was a woman, someone I knew in the dream but I have no idea who she was. She had children and I remember seeing a very tall slide set up in the yard for her kids. I remarked that it was too high and was reassured that it was safe. We were talking about various things, most I can’t remember. One thing I remember is that my brother was dead – murdered. I felt like I needed to cover it up for some reason. The rest of the conversations are lost to me. I just remember that at some point, the woman, whose appearance was that of an older woman in her 40s with blonde stringy hair, turned into a man who was making sexual advances toward me. As I was giving into his advances I heard a male voice yell very loudly, “Hey! Stop it!” I woke suddenly and my heart was pounding. I tried to relax but couldn’t. I listened to see if someone in my house needed help, but it was quiet. Then I remembered the name of the lady I was talking to in my dream – Linda. Who is Linda?, I thought. But for some reason I felt I should remember the name. And, Why was someone yelling at me to stop? 


 I fell back to sleep and continued to dream about Linda. In this dream, however, Linda was a computer virus and I remember being frantic on how to rid my computer of this virus. I don’t remember the specifics of the dream, though. I was rudely awakened by my alarm. Again my heart was pounding when I woke up.

Part of me is kicking myself for taking something to help me sleep. I think my dreams would have made more sense if I hadn’t. However, I could not help but wonder, What should I stop? and Who is Linda?  


 I recognized that computers usually signify communication. I also recognized that I felt good this morning. My outlook was – is positive. I also was reminded that when I get good news, or when I am really angry, I tend to reveal too much and blurt out things that I shouldn’t. I was reminded of times that I have done this. So, I concluded that the dream’s message was: Be careful. Think before you speak. I also worried that the computer message was literal – to be careful about what I reveal online. So today I will be monitoring myself more closely and keeping my mouth shut more than usual. This message is very similar to what the skunk totem symbolizes. Hopefully I can avoid whatever pitfall I was being warned about.

by

Turtle – May, 2013

Turtle has visited both my dreams and my waking life in the last 24 hours. I noticed him right away. The first sighting came yesterday on my way home from work. He was so big and stretched out that I thought he was a large lizard. I slowed down and looked closer and saw he was in fact a very large turtle. I immediately thought about how the shell protects the turtle and acts as a portable home. I also recognized that this turtle seemed to be on the move.


 Perhaps the turtle made a bigger impression than I realized because last night I dreamed of turtles. In fact, that part of the dream was probably the most vivid and I remember being curious about them. I thought, Why are there so many turtles? In the dream a lady was releasing the turtles into a lake near a pier and I was standing on the pier looking at them. It was a large turtle and many smaller turtles. I lost count of how many there were but it seemed like it was a mother and her babies. 


 Then this morning on my drive in to work I saw a large turtle in the middle of the road. This one was tucked inside his shell waiting for the cars to pass over him. I could just barely make out his nose poking out. I worried he would be hit and even thought  to stop and pick him up and put him on the other side of the road. But then I realized if he crossed he would be in a field. On the other side of the field was the highway. It seemed like he was heading for his death. 


 It has been a long time since turtle has popped up this often in my life, so I realized I should take note of the message he brings me. Turtle symbolizes endings and new beginnings. Turtle can also mean the completion of one phase that leads into a new cycle of opportunity. This new cycle will be more successful and include recognition. Turtle also can symbolize a willingness to begin a new cycle after the completion of a difficult cycle, a feeling of connection to the universe and one’s mission, travel, or a change in job or residence. Turtle reminds us to be patient, pay attention to the details and recognize that our hard work is about to pay off. It is important that if one has indeed reached the end of a cycle that the cycle is suppose to end and that one should recognize that they are indeed ready for this new cycle to begin. Turtle is slow and takes his time. This slowing down helps one take notice of that which is around them. Those who move fast and are impatient often make hasty decisions that could result in negative outcomes. Turtle reminds us to slow down so as to not miss important opportunities.


As I reflect on the message turtle brings me, I remember Steven telling me “be patient” and “wait”. I get a feeling that the time is not yet to make any decisions. Just this morning I thought I would just resign and not work anymore – I am tired of being concerned about my job and my future career. I just want to take a break. Summer break is fast approaching and I could sell my house and move and leave all this behind me. Then I read about turtle’s message and I think, “Not yet”. It is frustrating. I am not one to slow down and be patient. I want to move on already!


 But I will listen to this message and slow down. I will take notice of what is going on around me, listen to my intuition and trust that the direction my life is going is where I am suppose to be going. It will all work out and it will be what is best for me and those in my life who I love. 

by

Totems: Geckos, Tarantulas and Owls – Oct, 2012

For about a month I have been seeing geckos of all sizes around and in my house. The first sighting came late at night as my family and I drove home in the rain. As we opened our garage door at least a dozen of the tiny lizards scattered up and into the garage. I remember commenting about how many there were. As time passed I began noticing them here and there, mostly hanging around the outside lights of our house looking to catch a meal. One night I almost stepped on a baby one in my house. I quickly tried to catch it but it was fast, hopping (not running) away from me like a flea. It was really hard to catch but I finally got it. Just in time, too because my 20 month old son was trying to step on it (he thought it was a bug). I caught it and cupped it in my hand and peered down at it. It was so tiny and nearly translucent, its tan colored skin so thin and fragile. I let my daughter and son see it and then let it go outside.

I have always thought geckos were beautiful creatures and I remember as a child  finding a dead one behind our piano. I grieved for the little creature. He was nothing but a skeleton but I remember thinking of how he might have looked alive and it saddened me to see him dead.

I found another blog that explains what the gecko totem says here. Gecko is about restoring order and preventing conflict by acting rather than remaining passive. He reminds one to pay attention to their dreams. This is significant to me in that I had decided to stay out of some family drama that has been occurring. This may not be the best course of action, however, because gecko reminds me that if I don’t intervene that the problem will continue and may get worse. Thank you, gecko, for reminding me of that fact.

Two nights ago a tarantula was on my front porch. He was very large and beautiful. I let my daughter come out with me to look at him. She wanted to touch him but we left him alone. Texas tarantulas are passive creatures who don’t bite but they are very sensitive and I didn’t want to stress him out.

According to this site, the tarantula reminds one to remember that the past affects the future. He also reminds us of the power we have to manifest, especially via our written and spoken words. Spiders are always a reminderA tarantula, Aphonopelma sp. Photo by Jackman. of the infinite and the spiritual. I enjoy seeing them in my life and dreams. I am grateful that tarantula came to visit me and my daughter and that we could enjoy his beauty.

By the way, you don’t have to believe in totems in order to receive their messages. I learned of them from a book by Ted Andrews called Animal Speak. If you are interested, I highly recommend the book. He writes that animals, birds, even insects have symbolic significance in our lives and can bring with them a message from our guides. If you notice an animal/bird/insect that is out of place, uncommon or in your path, it is a good idea to see what message it brings as it could help you in life. As you begin paying attention you will find certain animals/birds/insects visit you more frequently than others and you have a significant liking for them as well. These are your totems; your “other” guides.

The owl is one of my main totems, though he hasn’t visited me in a while. He is a very appropriate totem for me as he represents clairvoyance. My first face-to-face encounter with owl was when I was 8yrs old. My father hit one with his car and we all got out to see if he was dead. My dad reached down to pick him up and it clenched his hand, spreading his massive wings and flapping them. He definitely wasn’t dead! It was a Great Horned Owl and he was magnificent. I will never forget that encounter! I also had a familyPhoto: A great horned owl thrashing its wings of Great Horned Owls that often perched on my house when I lived in Montana. They are magnificent creatures!

My most recent encounter with the owl was a couple of years ago. He was sitting in the middle of the road that connects to our driveway. He just sat there and looked at me even though my headlights were shining in his face.

Some people grow very fond of their totem, (like me) collecting objects or figures of them, hanging pictures of them on their walls or researching them. I have a little owl figurine on my bookcase and use to be drawn to my grandmother’s owl pictures and statues as a child.

What is your totem? What message have they brought to you recently?

by

The Nurturing of Innocence

My husband is out of town so my sleep was interrupted more than usual since I didn’t have any help with our baby. It seemed to makes no difference, however, to my dreams. I had a couple very vivid and detailed dreams last night.

vampire babyVampire War

This dream was very intricate. I could write an entire novel from the details of just this one dream! In summary, however, the dream entailed the events leading to and culminating in a war between vampires and humans.

I don’t know which side I was on but I think I was on the human side, at least at first. The beginning of the dream included the revelation to me, my family and other humans, that vampires lived among us and they were tired of being hidden. The vampires came after children first. Not only did they kill them but they also created tiny vampires out of them. In one vivid scene, a vampire baby was birthed by a vampire mother. This was a shock in itself because vampires cannot have children! Yet, in the dream, I witnessed the birth of a baby vampire and then the other vampires forced me to allow the baby vampire to feed on my middle son.

After this horrific scene, the dream continued with me and other humans running and hiding from the vampires. I recall hiding inside a home that was enormous and very elaborate. It turned out the home was of the vampire queen and that is where I discovered that a war had been waged against humanity. The vampires were winning, too.

In a particularly vivid scene of the dream, I recall a conversation I had with a vampire. I believe it was the queen. She showed me, in my mind, how it was pointless to fight them. I saw in my mind scenes of countless humans giving up and giving in to the vampires. All of the agreed to allow to be drained of blood and then transformed into undead, blood thirsty vampires. The numbers of humans left was very small and was shrinking. She tried to convince me that there was no sense in fighting the inevitable. I felt such a loss and hopelessness that when I awoke to my baby crying all I could think about was the scene where the baby vampire was drinking from my son. The impossible feeling of being unable to do anything about it hung over me as I held by baby and rocked him back to sleep.

Interpretation

I am not completely sure what this dream symbolizes, but the feeling it left me with was complete powerlessness. I felt so completely unable to do anything to make a difference in what happened; apathetic. The struggle between “good” and “evil” here is what really stands out. The “evil” could very well be death and the “good”, life. This makes the most sense to me after yesterday’s early morning OBE where I was asked “Do you really want to kill yourself”. The question has been haunting me and was likely what created this dream. The choice in the dream was about whether to succumb to “death” or to resist and continue on with “life”. I never made a decision in the dream. I just stood there in limbo feeling that I had no power in the decision and my fate was already sealed.

Accident

When I rocked my baby to sleep I was able to return to sleep quite quickly. Unfortunately, another disturbing dream awaited me.

In this dream I had agreed to watch my children as well as my two, young nephews who are 3 years and 1 year old. I recall getting the baby bag and all the supplies and saying goodbye to my husband and his brother. I stayed with the children and time passed quickly at first. Then, as it approached bedtime, the youngest of my nephews began wanting his bottle and I dug around in his bag to get it but could not find it. At the same time my other nephew got into some trouble so my attention went to him. He got hurt but I can’t remember how now. When I went to retrieve the bottle for his brother I reached into the bag and found that the 1 year old had been in it. I pulled him out and when I did two wooden stakes came out of his eyes. I was aghast and freaked out because his eyes were bleeding. The tiny wooden rods seemed to not have hurt them but I worried he would lose his vision. I called my husband who told m to take them to the hospital. I fretted over what I had allowed to happen, worrying they would blame me and make us pay for the hospital visit even though it was an accident.

Interpretation

When I awoke this time to my baby’s cries I was perturbed. Why was I having such weird, blood filled dreams? Also, I felt very unhappy about being awakened. Baby was inconsolable for some reason and this only irritated me further. But I finally got him to sleep by walking him in his stroller. I returned to bed a half hour later but could not sleep. 

The visual that stayed with me from this dream was the bleeding eyes of my nephew. The symbolism here is that there is some deep pain and internal conflict within me that needs to be address. To see eyes bleeding can also represent sacrifices and difficulties experienced in life. I feel this is very accurate for me since the previous morning’s OBE still haunts me even today and when I awoke from this dream I kept asking to sleep, not wanting to waken and confront the day ahead of me.

I Can See Clearly Nowview

What is really weird about these strange dreams and the feelings that come with them is that I keep hearing the Johnny Nash song, “I Can See Clearly Now” over and over in my head. This started yesterday afternoon and I could not get the song out of my head. Even as I fell asleep I was singing it over and over. When I woke up this morning it returned to me.

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

My first thoughts to the lyrics were, “Yeah right”. Then I began wondering if perhaps it meant that things were going to get better. By this morning I figured the only thing that I needed to focus on was the first line since that is what I kept singing in my mind the most. But what is “clearly”? Does it mean that these feelings of failure and apathy that I am having are the “clear” part? If so, it sure doesn’t seem clear and there isn’t any sunshine to my day, that is for sure. Not even literally. An the “obstacles”, what are those? Life? Because all I see is more of the same and it bores me.

The Nurturing of Innocence

As I contemplated these things while lying in my bed dreading getting up, I began to drift back to sleep. I was shocked back into wakefulness by a vision of a young girl running through my line of sight. She had blond hair and was vividly bright. But she was lost the minute I tried to focus on her. All I could make out was her blonde hair and that she was wearing a dress dotted with daisies.

It happened again not long after but this time I saw the title of what appeared to be a book written out in front of me. It read, “The Nurturing of Innocence” in bold black letters that moved across my line of sight so close I could not avoid seeing them. With it came a knowingness that this was my job right now, though I rejected it immediately and went back to hating my life and its boring predictability.

Now as I contemplate the message I was given, I understand that my initial thought that this time in my life right now is meant to be devoted to my children was correct. I knew this when we put our house up for sale. I knew this when I left my job. I knew this when we moved into our new house. Yet I feel so bored with it now and I do not know what I am suppose to be doing. Surely it can’t just be what I have been doing? Should I be home schooling? Should we be going on field trips together as a family? Should I be interacting with other mothers?

All the above sounds boring to me. Sigh. Maybe it is suppose to be boring? Maybe if I do it enough I will like it? And this dread of starting back to work, what is that about? Is it because I don’t belong there, or is there more “nurturing” to be had there that I need to involve myself in?

I can’t tell which is the true me and which is my ego creating these feelings. They are all knotted up together and making it very difficult for me to see clearly……Oh, maybe that is what the song means? Perhaps the clarity is coming but I have just yet to get to that instance when the “ah ha” moment hits me? Part of me guesses that will likely to happen once I start work.

220px-Bouguereau-LinnocenceWith the title of the book I saw still bothering me, I decided to Google it. Interestingly enough I found it linked to Homeschooling blogs. Homeschooling. Hmmm. I have considered homeschooling but have been too lazy and a bit scared to do it. I am not an elementary teacher. All my training has been with older kids. Yet even yesterday I considered it again because my daughter’s soon-to-be 1st grade teacher seemed to be sleep walking through life. I could see the brain dead haze in her eyes. Ugh!

This is one of the blogs I found: The Nurturing of Innocence and Naivete. What do you think? Part of me wants to go into the school today and withdraw my little girl before her teacher makes learning and life painful and miserable. Yet, a part of me says to wait and see. There are pieces of the puzzle yet to be revealed. Perhaps I have more to learn?