Daily Archives: May 20, 2015

by

Sudden Download

Today has been different from the past few weeks. Based upon what happened, I believe that my “break” or acclimation or whatever it is, is coming to an end.

Strange Symptoms

A couple of days ago, not long after I wrote my last symptom update, I had a odd sensation right behind my right ear. It was actually pretty painful and felt like I had been wearing a headband too tight for too long. I reached up to touch it and it was sensitive to the touch, too. I thought it odd and kept touching it, feeling where the sensitivity started and stopped. It was almost identical to where a headband would touch but I had not been wearing headbands for some time.

Only a few minutes later the pain had vanished and has not returned. However, a strong band of energy formed from ear to ear and around the back of my head. It comes and goes in intensity but remains today.

Then, today, as I was walking to meet a student, both of my legs began to feel weird. They felt rubbery and weak, as if I had just run a very long distance. I became worried and suddenly feared I would fall down and not be able to get up. I had a flash of what might happen, acknowledged it and it went away. Then I had a weird thought come into my mind. It was simply, “Walk in”. Not long after, the rubbery feeling vanished.

Sudden Download

For a while now I have been almost without idle thoughts throughout my day. When alone, I often zone out or think of the previous night’s dreams, but not much else. Today started out no different but after the weak, rubbery leg event I began to have that familiar feeling of time slowing down and me being in slow-motion.

For about half of the work day I had this feeling and shrugged it off thinking I must be tired. I have not had the feeling in so long I figured it was a fluke. But when I got on the highway to head home, it came on with much more intensity. I felt the familiar opening up of my crown and a sensation of being expanded beyond my body, wide-open and receiving.

It was then that many of the dreams I have been having began to link together and form a message. Added to this was songs and other thoughts that have randomly come into my mind, such as the song “Lightning Strike“, the words “walk in” and the phrase “Are you going to love me when I’m gone?” that is part of a song. I don’t recall exactly how it all fell together but I suddenly knew what was happening and felt frozen in the midst of receiving this message. I was unable to mentally process the information but a feeling of knowingness was present. A part of me was very nervous and had to be calmed a few times. I think it helped that I was not mentally analyzing what I received as it would likely only cause more nervousness.

I got stuck in a 45 minute snail paced traffic jam during this download. I doubt it was a coincidence!

I have felt urged to write everything down from the minute this download occurred.

sunriseOdd Thoughts

Now, hours later, I am able to process what was received a little better. I keep hearing the term “walk in” and, though I am somewhat familiar with the term, I had to look it up again. At first, I felt a very strong pull in my third chakra along with a nervous apprehension when I heard the term. Now I no longer have that response as I know it simply means that a part of me will step aside and let another part of me in. Thus my recent dream of giving up the reins of my horse to a much better, more experienced me.

It was explained to me, or rather I was reminded, that preparation for this next step was complete (this was the last few weeks of blah, deep sleep and lack of connection I felt). The knowingness that flooded me made me worry about my physical body and I am still not 100% certain of the meaning behind it. I had a memory of reading that sometimes when a walk-in occurs the individual becomes sick or has a sudden trauma that precipitates the final merging. I don’t know if this memory was meant to remind me of my own plans or not but it sure makes sense considering how stubborn I am and the massive fear that comes with the thought of letting go. Oddly, right at the moment I thought of this, the traffic suddenly stopped and I was forced to slam on my breaks and was hit with a huge adrenaline rush. I also began to experience a pain in my stomach akin to menstrual cramps, but I am nowhere near that time of the month.

I continued to think of the memory of what I had read and how the person is completely different afterward. I began to have thoughts of what it might be like. An entire scenario of how the new me would come in quietly and then begin to slowly reject people and situations in my life and how that might be interpreted. I felt like my husband would be discarded because he didn’t “match”. It all was very weird but what is even stranger is that I did not reject this possibility.

The fearful part of me, of course, worried I would be “gone”, but the knowing part of me understood this to be false. The old me would be absorbed and united with the other part.

The whole experience has me a bit overwhelmed with uncertainty, but I keep remembering that I am happy to have this happen. I am ready to “go”. It sounds morbid maybe, but that is the part of me that thinks of this as “death”.

I honestly don’t know how to describe my feelings right now or from the past few weeks. I don’t feel like myself, that is for sure.

Any help from the experienced is appreciated. I feel way out of my element here.

by

Dreams: Reorganization and Premature Baby

Last night was again a night of frequent vivid dreams.

Reorganization

I was in a school and left my room. When I returned an older lady was inside and had completely reorganized it, turning it into a classroom. There was a group of elementary students sitting in desks. I was alarmed.

The woman smiled, very proud of herself and said, “We decided to set up the room so that it was more conducive to teaching. I needed to work with these students and this works better for me”. She pointed to a table and then at the twelve or more individual student desks crammed up near the front of the room.

I looked at her like she was crazy and told her, “But this doesn’t work for me and this is my room. Please put it back to the way it was. I don’t work with more than six to eight students at the most, so I don’t need all these desks”. I pointed to cubbys that had been set up on one side and said, “And I don’t need these”.

I walked to a closet where I had stored some things and found that it had been cleared out and made into a small classroom with a large central desk with chairs set around it. Feeling I should at least try to compromise, I concluded that it would be okay to leave this space as it was and told her, “But you can leave the closet like you have it. I am okay…”

She interrupted me, obviously very upset and disappointed and said, “That’s fine. I will put it all back like it was”. She walked  around the class and began to get the students to help her put it back the way it was. I remember feeling at odds with myself somewhat. I wanted to make her happy but at the same time I did not want my space cluttered and taken over by this woman.

Premature Baby

At this time, a black woman entered the room looking for me. She told me that she had some important news for me. She introduced herself as the representative of a family, the name is lost to me now.

“You have been listed as the new guardian for a baby girl. Her parents were both killed, as was her twin and other sibling”.

She escorted me out of the room as she told me their story. I was, of course, shocked as this was unexpected and I was not prepared to once again care for a newborn.

The woman explained that the family knew me from a while ago. The grandmother, still living but ill, was one of my previous coworkers. She had chosen me as the new guardian. She told me I had a choice and did not have to accept. I told her, “Of course I will take her”. In my mind I could not refuse and leave the little girl in the system. I quickly disregarded all my concerns about being ready and the burden it would cause my family. I wanted to meet the child.

We entered the house of the family. The grandmother was sleeping in a chair. I looked closely at her, trying to remember her. She was very old, with white hair and dark skin. I immediately went to her and another family member said to her, “Mother, she is here”. The old woman opened her eyes and smiled at me. She conveyed to me that she knew the child would have a better life with me.

I was then shown the baby and it was explained to me that she was born premature but was currently just 4 weeks old. I looked at her, expecting to see dark skin, but her skin was pale and her eyes light. She was very, very tiny and so precious. I did not dare pick her up as she was sleeping. In my mind I saw an image of what she would look like as she grew up. Beautiful. She had that beautiful creamy mix-race skin and curly, soft blondish-brown hair. I was completely accepting of my new role as her mother.

It was then explained to me that I would have to take a class in order to be her new guardian and then adopt her.

The word “adopt” kept echoing in my mind and ultimately woke me up. I was in a panic over it, literally thinking such an event might happen. But now I think it was more symbolic of a new beginning coming into my life which involves acceptance of parts of myself I have previously rejected. Then the previous dream flooded my memory and I realized I was in the midst of a reorganization of Self.

by

Following the Chain of False Belief

In session yesterday I ran into one of my false beliefs and I began the process of seeking out the source of this belief. The false belief was: Men are wrong.

Following the Chain

In seeking out the source of this belief, I followed memories connected to it starting in this lifetime and going backward into other lifetimes. This is what I found so far:

1982 – Belief is activated within this lifetime after a traumatic event occurred. I decided that my Dad was wrong for how he treated me and my mother, who I identified very strongly with. It generalized into all men are wrong.

1892 – Belief was used in another lifetime when I was a prostitute in the U.S. Mid-West. I repeatedly told my “co-workers” that men were not to be trusted.

400A.D. – Belief was used during a lifetime in India. This was a traumatic memory of almost losing my daughter to raiders during the monsoon season. I relayed to her repeatedly that men were not be trusted and did bad things.

30A.D. – Belief was reinforced during a traumatic event in which my pregnant and severely battered daughter came home. She went into premature labor and died during childbirth. Her daughter survived and I raised her as my own. My anger at the man who beat and ultimately killed my daughter was so intense that I adopted the belief that men are wrong. However, upon re-experiencing this life, I recognized that the “wrong” here was that they were “unjust” and went against all that was good.

More to Come

The chain has not been followed to its source yet, so I am likely to find more events at my next session. I am interested to find out where it will lead. It always surprises and amazes me!

When I contact each life, it is merely a picture or a color or a vague sense of a place that comes at first. Then, when I inspect it more closely, more and more is revealed. The details are amazing! For example, the river I was wading in while trying to rescue my daughter in the life from 400A.D. was so vivid that I could feel the pressure of the water current against my legs and see the muddiness of the water. I also instantly knew it was the monsoon season.

The last life was perhaps the most intense life I have recalled in some time. I was hit with such a myriad of emotions – anger, grief, frustration, love, desperation – that the flood of it was overwhelming to the point I could not breathe. I even recall cursing in another language, calling the man a baboon’s butt and cursing God. When I finally let go of this life event I experienced such an outflow and inflow of energy that it is hard to describe. I was laughing and crying at the same time.

I am finding this belief following me through my female lives for some time. It may even have its origin prior to my time on Earth. More updates will follow.