The morning started out sour. Thankfully, I was able to return to sleep and when I awoke the sour feeling was replaced with reluctant acceptance. With this acceptance came the message, “One day at a time, one step at a time” along with the vision of putting one foot in front of the other. I understood and remembered in the past how often times when I have thought nothing could change and life would never get better that it did – eventually. Not that life is that bad at the moment.

Heart-to-Heart

This Venus retrograde is getting tiring and that is one reason why I awoke in a sour mood. My husband and I had long talk last night, prompted by his overall dissatisfaction with life. At first I thought he was telling me that he wanted to split up and found myself holding my breath and thinking the worst. I focused on my heart center and felt I should just listen to him since it is not often we get to talk without disruption. He needed me to listen.

Eventually the movement of the energy of my husband, its force and intensity, began to lessen. I could literally feel it lighten and stop moving toward me. I recognized that he had been throwing it at me and had I not focused on my heart I would have become overwhelmed by it.

Now that the energy was more neutral the real talking could begin, and it did. We ended up with a productive chat and what is outrageous about it is that my husband and I began talking about empathy and he used the analogy of a strength training workout! Such synchronicity as I had just written the same analogy that morning and he was not aware that I had.

Fly Little Bird, Fly

I slept easily after our talk but, like I said, I awoke not very happy. I knew upon waking that my days of spiritual epiphanies, Kundalini bliss and wholeness/connection with my Higher Self were over. The message in my head was clear as it said, “I am done”. So final, so earth-shattering in its simplicity.

I tried to pretend I did not know what the message meant, but I did/do. It means that the process has reached a plateau. The baton has been passed. It’s my turn to learn to fly and I am being nudged over the side of the nest.

The last time this happened I met my husband and began my family. It was indeed a wild ride. What is to come of this one? I don’t know yet, but the signs are there.

Options, Options

Interestingly, the first sign of change has been presented to me. After years of waiting, my husband has finally negotiated with his employer a change in pay that increases his base pay significantly while lowering his bonus pay. Though this is not ideal (husband hates it) that increase in base pay has been something I have pushed him to do since 2011. The increase in pay means I don’t need to work anymore.

The possibilities are endless and the freedom of this change is palpable. We have already discussed the options. He wants to eventually leave his job and build his own company. I want to stay home and work on the business that I am trying to build. I also want to be home to watch my children, to teach my 4-year-old and prepare him for school, and to find balance in my life.

Options:

1. I leave my job and focus on building my business, home school my preschooler and help my husband plan and build his business. Pros – I get what I want, husband gets what he wants. Cons – loss of extra income, loss of medical insurance.
2. I stay at my job until the end of the year to save up money for my husband’s business. Pros – surplus of income, keep medical insurance.

I am not sure what I want to do right now. I am finding myself resistant to leaving work just yet. They need me there. To leave early presents my employer with trying to find a replacement during a non-ideal time. It also leaves my students with no counselor.

But all my life I have wanted to not have to work; to be able to do as I pleased without financial worry.

What would you do?