The energy yesterday was so calm and nice wasn’t it? Or maybe it was just me acclimating to the “upgrade” I received that morning. Not really sure upgrade is the right term, but who knows. Something happened that was intense and significant and left me in a brain fog calm most of the day.

Last night I had dreams all night long and I remembered them. Not only that, but when I awoke in the middle of the night I returned to the dreams as soon as I fell back to sleep. Pretty cool except that the dreams were not very interesting.

When I awoke at 5:30am (I did check the clock this time) I was in tears. Sigh. Really? Come on! I am so done with this crying crap! Ugh!

Anyway, here is what was going on in my sleep.

Class: Creating Dreams

This was not the actual dream. I don’t remember the dream now as it is not important. What I do remember is that after the dream and while still in the dreamstate, I was aware of being with a group of familiar lucid dreamers and astral projectors. I know them all from online, but have not met any of them in person (yet). We were discussing how to create dreams. I can’t remember the exact conversation now but when I awoke I knew that I had been in a class about how to stage dreams for the human consciousness so that they addressed certain issues. In this particular class we were learning how to do this for our own waking consciousness. Wow.

I remember we “selected appropriate symbols”, symbols that our waking consciousness would recognize. Some are universal symbols but most are not. Most are symbols we, ourselves, attribute significance and meaning to. We use this collection of symbols to construct our dreams and communicate with ourselves. It is fascinating!

This is also done to communicate with others. We can do this while still in life or while in between lives. We access others’ symbols and use them to communicate via the dreamstate. I knew about this because my father and other relatives have done this with me both in lucid states and during projection.

Mid-life Crisis?

The rest of my dreams fit together like a story. I recall being with my sisters, much younger than today, and catching a school bus. I also remember seeing a young girl who had hurt her left ankle and was calling for help. I assisted her, putting her ankle on ice. Then she transformed into a chubby infant. I played with her and cuddled with her, talking to her in baby talk and just filled with love for her.

It was while I was playing with this baby girl that I said to her, “I can’t have anymore babies.” This caused me to fill with such an intense sadness and I burst into tears.

When I awoke one of my guides was with me. I immediately checked his appearance and he looked human (relief lol). I didn’t ask which one he was. I didn’t care. I was still too upset and confused over the dream.

I realized that I was grieving a loss of my youth. I suddenly felt very old and the saying, “Youth is wasted on the young” popped into my head.

It seemed very much like I had wasted my life, my youth.

I wondered then if I was entering into a mid-life crisis. Perhaps that is why I have been feeling so split – one part of me wants to leave everything I have behind and begin anew and the other wants to stay right where I am so that I don’t hurt anyone. I feel young, yet when I look in the mirror I don’t recognize myself. I look tired and beaten down by life compared to when I was in my 20’s. And when I consider making the drastic changes to my life that I feel the urge to make, I think my age will ruin it all; that I will run out of time, out of energy, out of physical attractiveness.

He’s My Mirror

Then I realized that the very feelings I had for my Companion yesterday morning – the combined intense attraction and repulsion – I also have for myself. I love who I have become on the inside – as a person – but when I look at my outside (physical body/ life) I don’t like what I see. Now these feelings are much less intense than what they were yesterday, but I can see it – feel it – just the same. It is like when I felt him, I felt myself.

Karmic Attachments

Then I saw the patterns, karmic patterns, and was confused. In my past lives, I have been in this situation before. I had made both choice options available to me now. So which is the karmic path I am to avoid? Then I was reminded that karma is not a path, it is attachment to a certain path or decision. The attachment is formed by beliefs we have about what is “right” and what is “wrong”. Karma allows us to sort through these beliefs and release ourselves from them. It really doesn’t matter what decision I make – the “selfish” one or the “right” one. What matters is that I release myself from the judgments I place on myself. If I can make a decision and be fully secure in that decision and not judge myself for it, then I can detach from it and thus break the karmic cycle.

I asked why I was being shown all of this. I was told, “We love you. We want you to be happy.” But be happy at what cost? This is where I am currently stuck. Mid-life sucks.

Lot’s to digest. Not sure I can not judge myself. Man this is hard.