After writing my last post I realized that I did not explain something very key to this process I am going through. In reading my post I saw how similar it is to someone who is about to commit suicide. I assure this is not what is happening, even though it seems similar. I am fine. In comparison to other points in my life which were like mountains in their enormity, this is a hill.
This is not the first time I have been at this point in my life. I went through a similar process during my Dark Night. All of the memories coming up for review are ones I have already confronted and handled. I made my peace with my past a long time ago. That doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt when I look at it. Right now I am letting go of the residual attachment and emotion I have to these incidents in my life. It is a relief to release them. The more honest I am about my past, the better.
Right now I am uncertain what is at the end of this road. Although I am being told this is a walk-in/walk-out, the idea is still very alien to me in many ways. Remember, the walk-in has been with me throughout this life as my Companion. He came into this life with me. To me, he IS me. We are not separate and he has always been there. I trust him wholeheartedly.
Part of me thinks that this process is merely the obliteration of the Ego, the crumbling of the illusions I have built my life around. Whether this is the case or not will be known soon enough. I will say that I woke with a strong desire to write a farewell letter to my family and also a letter to the Walk-in. Why do I feel this need? It makes no sense yet at a subconscious level I am accepting that a big change is about to take place and in not knowing what I will be like when it is said and done I feel I need to prepare. Weird, but apparently this is not uncommon among walk-outs. No, I haven’t written the letters yet, but I am certain it will come in the not too distant future.
Connecting the Dots
After I wrote my last post I had a near panic attack and asked for the walk-in to take over. Within minutes I was listening to music, cleaning house and feeling clear headed. No anxiety feeling. Information that was not previously available came pouring in and the dots began to connect.
After my awakening in 2003 I was heading down this same path. I entered into the Dark Night almost immediately after and was reviewing my life constantly whether I wanted to or not. I made huge leaps and gains and was at the point where the merge with my Companion could be initiated. That is when I changed my mind. I had freed myself enough that I felt I could handle more of life and allow myself to be loved. At the time I was thrown into confusion because I had felt my life was “over”. It is a hard feeling to explain but it feels like life is complete; all planned lessons learned. Once I accepted the new timeline it got easier. I didn’t have much time to get in all that I wanted, so things moved very, very fast. And then the familiar feeling of being done came back. It is an unmistakable feeling. When asked what I wanted, I never had an answer. The only answer I would give was, “Nothing, I feel done.”
I’ve had questions from the beginning about my Companion. I am told he is a part of me, like my other half but then I am told I have other, other halves. How is this even possible? The Union dream I had really threw me into confusion-land because I met one of my counterparts yet he didn’t look/feel like my Companion. WTF?
The best explanation I have gotten thus far is that we started as One, then split into Two and then the Two each split again. This happens exponentially as each of us matures. So all this Twin Flame nonsense is wildly distorted. Technically, we can have a never-ending amount of Twin Flames if you consider just how frequently we “split”. What I was shown is that my most intense connections are now Four. This only means that the point of experience for me is now located within the first couple of divisions. Meeting any of the other three would create one hell of an intense connection. I experienced one and I will tell you that it should be illegal. Do not try this at home. Adult Spiritual supervision required. LOL
The spider web analogy works well here. At the center are the main supports and all others branch off from them getting ever wider and adding more and more branches. We can choose our experiences to be at any point on the web. We are all of them, all the time.
Yeah, no wonder I was confused! Add to that the experience of the Union (or whatever it was) and it is no surprise that I want to walk-out.
Living Life in Between 