I’m still sleeping very, very deep. So deep, that when I wake I am so drowsy that I fall instantly back to sleep, which is uncommon for me. And I am still waking up at 5:00-5:30am. I really, really am hating it right now because I am soooo tired.

Decide! 

Despite being so tired and sleeping extremely deeply, I am having numerous, vivid dreams and also still waking up several times a night. In one instance, I awoke from being jolted by energy that literally made me jump. I don’t think it was my physical body that jumped, but that doesn’t matter – it all feels the same to me. With the jolt of energy came someone saying, “Decide!”

Being as tired as I was, I only briefly wondered what it was all about and then passed back out into dream land.

Dream: Teacher Workshop and Giving Readings

Then I was sitting in a large cafeteria with so many others I lost count. I quickly remembered I was at a workshop and that I was among teachers and staff. I was sitting next to a man with medium brown hair and the tables reminded me of those at an elementary school – much too small for adults.

I remember seeing the agenda. The workshop lasted all day! It became evident to me that it had gone over its allotted time. The suggested change in time was a three hour delay. For some reason I felt this was caused by me. I remember discussing the schedule change with the man sitting next to me and told him I planned to leave at 9am even though it would not be over. The agenda is very vivid in my mind even now.

Then I was speaking with a man who was at least a foot taller than me with medium brown hair and a light complexion. All I remember now is that he asked me, “So you aren’t working now?” I said to him, “No. I have lots of time on my hands.” There is memory of a discussion in which he asked me if I would stay in Dallas (this was where the workshop was) and I said I wished I could but I have a family, etc and needed to get back to them.

Instantly I shifted back to the cafeteria and was speaking to two young women. I gave them both readings and then found out they were not as old as I had thought – still teenagers. I remember feeling worried they would tell their parents and I would get into trouble because they were minors. I explained this to them and one wanted my business card. I gave it to her and felt better for some reason.

Discussion

I woke up and it was 5:30am. Instantly memory of the jolt of energy and the dream came to me. I asked what the “Decide!” demand was for. Decide what? Then I felt it was being asked of me to get me to figure out if I wanted to focus on living or dying. In hearing this I did not hesitate. I am not interested in staying in life, no matter how “exciting” my guides try to make it, it is just not as wonderful as the spiritual side and unless they can somehow merge the two, this physical existence is just not enough.

Dream: End of the Road

Somehow I fell back to sleep briefly, which is odd because I was wide awake. I entered instantly into a dream where I was discussing a destination. There were two, one in CA and the other in TX.

Then I was in a car and driving very, very fast on a four or five lane highway. I kept thinking I was in LA for some reason.

It was like a video game. The speed was so fast I clung to the steering wheel for dear life. I tried to stay in the far right lane where I would slow down to 60mph. But then I would end up jerked back to the fast lane every time. Once, in the fast lane, a car zoomed in front of me and side swiped the concrete barrier and kept going. I nearly did as well and felt as if I were somehow following this fast car. Strangely, there weren’t many cars on the highway, just mine, the reckless driver and a woman in a car that stayed in the slow lane.

I finally stayed in the slow lane and the woman remained behind me, adjusting her speed for me as needed. I watched as the road wound around unfamiliar terrain. I remember thinking, “I wish I knew this road.”

Then the road turned to the right and I saw it turned to gravel. I slowed way down and then stopped my car completely and got out. The woman followed me.

The road had large boulders and I carefully walked through them as it sloped upward. That is when I noticed the road dead ended at what appeared to be a semi truck. A large, silver ramp met the road. I stood upon it and looked inside the truck. It appeared to be completely furnished with mahogany shelves filled with books, side tables, lamps and several nice sofas. It was huge! It did not resemble any truck I had ever been inside of.

A woman was standing inside and taking tickets and money from other travelers who came in from behind me. I had never noticed them, but there were quite a few. In listening to their conversations, I learned that this truck took people to several destinations. The woman who had been following me stated hers and boarded the truck. I was asked what my destination was. I couldn’t remember but I saw in my mind an ocean port with beautiful, crystal blue waters and white sand beaches. I kept thinking my destination was in CA but then thought, no it was Jalisco. Confused, I thought for a moment Jalisco was in Texas but knew that was wrong.

Then I told the woman I had sent my children ahead of me but their truck did not look anything like this one. I had a vivid memory of doing so, too. I remember their truck was plain inside – like a real truck. I felt I was a very bad mother for sending my children away. The woman said, “I’m sure they got there safe and sound.”

Discussion

I awoke with this song in my head:

So much went through my mind this morning, that I can’t even share it all. I will say that I was asked to think of when I felt most alive in this life. There were two specifics times I recalled:

1. My first experience teaching in a public school. I was so in love with my job and my students that I got to work every day more than an hour early. My favorite lessons were teaching my students how to meditate and how to go inward to learn about themselves (introspection).
2. My first years giving readings – mediumship, psychic, medical intuition, spirit guide, etc. The feeling is indescribable. There is no feeling that has yet compared to how I feel during and after giving a reading in which I have connected with Spirit and given the sitter proof that their loved ones continue on and are always with them.

I have neither of these two things in my life now. I made it clear to my guides that as a mother I cannot – will not – put my own wants and needs above those of my children. That is the burden that comes with being a mother. Yet at the same time I feel utterly and completely without purpose.