Last night was a rough night emotionally. I got out my laptop to check my email and such and immediately noticed one of the posts had 444 views. In that moment I felt to my left the presence of one of my guides.  Ignoring him and shrugging off the message, I moved on to Netflix. I started watching Call the Midwife and adjusted my laptop. That’s when I saw the reflection of one of my paintings in the screen. The particular painting was the symbol that represents what happens when two complementary energies/souls meet.  I tried to ignore the image but it kept coming up despite my changing my laptop’s position. Eventually the image caused me to focus on it and the 444 came back to mind along with a message that I was not alone. I burst into tears and a huge outflow of emotion seemed to well up from deep within.

This time last year I was going through a very difficult time and if I compare it to what I am experiencing now I am grateful to be where I am. With Thanksgiving coming I should be focusing on gratitude, we all should, but when the sadness hits me and my heart overflows I struggle to see the blessings in my life. I am overcome with regret and grief. At the time of this outflow of sorrow I couldn’t help but think to myself, “I made the wrong decision.” My guidance has always said, “There are no mistakes, just choices” and I agree wholeheartedly but the suffering I am causing myself is undeserved. Yet I can’t seem to stop it. It certainly feels like I am punishing myself but I don’t know why.

Kundalini and Dreams

To my surprise I had some Kundalini energy in my dreams that woke me up early on in the night. I can’t recall anything of the dream now except bending down to pick up something and then being hit with energy in my root chakra. I only woke briefly and returned to sleep to have more of the same energy continue throughout the night. I did not wake again from it, though.

My only guess as to the source of the very strong root chakra energy is my choice to be abstinent. Even in my dreams I am avoiding sexual encounters, talking myself out of it and reminding myself that I don’t need sex and that attraction to the male gender is to be avoided. My goal is to seek a higher connection with Source and sex only distracts from that (at least that is my reasoning).

My dreams from the night are disappearing from my memory even as I type this. I remember holding a necklace in my hand at one point. It was inside a box in a little girl’s room and connected to a memory being remembered in the dream. The necklace was gold with a tiny, emerald pendant in the shape of three leaves. I attempted to put it on but the clasp would not allow it.

The pendant reminded me of the Trinity Knot of Celtic origins and how it represents the Goddess as the mother, maiden and crone.

In another dream I was cleaning up a bathroom and rearranging the counter, clearing it of debris for my mother. My sister’s stuff was everywhere and I was putting it in the cabinet and sorting through it. There was an abundance of makeup (putting on a mask, vanity, pride) and I remember thinking of my preference for not wearing much, if any makeup now.

Then there was a dream where I was helping two students with a new kind of math (logic, rationality). There was a name for it but I can’t recall it now. What I recall of it is that it was all circles with tiny numbers (mostly 8’s) and a device like a compass but in the shape of a crescent was used to draw the circles.

When I awoke songs were in my head. One in particular was from my youth. It use to be one of my favorite songs. I had all but forgotten the song existed until I heard it on the radio the other day. The specific part that was going over and over in my mind was this:

We don’t even have pictures
Just memories to hold
That grow sweeter each season
As we slowly grow old

Not long after this song was going through my mind, another song came to mind but only specific lyrics:

And I can’t fight this feeling anymore
I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for
It’s time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever

I have heard the song before and it was quite out of the blue that it came to me this morning. It seems the message is to not fight my feelings. That is a continual message I receive which indicates that I must be resisting feeling something. The only thing I can figure is that I am resisting feeling the pain that comes with the overwhelming love that I feel. It is love but it is pain and the two seem to go together. You can’t have one without the other I guess. But that seems wrong to me. What I think is that the pain comes from one’s past – past lives specifically – and beliefs about love. But then I’m not sure that is it either. I suppose I will figure it out at some point. The answer is probably super simple and my dense human mind keeps me from seeing it.

My guidance keeps urging me to communicate what I am feeling but whenever they suggest it I tell them, “It’s not good for me. It rekindles false hope.” There is also fear that in communicating what I feel I will expose myself to rejection and more pain/upset. As long as there is expectation there will be pain.

So my decision is to stay the course and hopefully, with time, I will find freedom from this sadness and heartsickness that has been plaguing me.