It has been a strange couple of weeks. Unusual. Challenging. Emotional.

First off, I got some upsetting news from my husband (private – sorry). Then a friend I hadn’t heard from in over a year contacted me. Surprise! Not long after (like literally days!) another friend from the past contacted me. This one was from years and years ago. WTF?

Was there something in my chart that indicated “the past will come for a visit” and “someone close to you will betray you?” Hmmmm.

Mercury retrograde perhaps? lol

A week passes, and the emotions hit, as if to say, “Okay, now PROCESS THIS SHIT”. I am sick, BTW, the whole time. No, not Corona, allergies or a maybe a cold, hard to tell which. The emotions are weird. They come up when I speak of a past incident. Suddenly the past feels to be suffocating me. The emotions get stuck in my throat. I feel unable to breathe or speak. I get super hot and uncomfortable. The tears erupt and I feel stiff, as if I will explode from the pressure building up. Then it is goes almost as soon as it comes. Huh?

The message I got was, “Hey, guess what? That pain you thought you resolved? Not resolved.”

Then, as soon as the sickness ends the emails return when I had thought no further communication would be coming. Prior to one message came energy. It came from my left, wrapped its “arms” around me and I melted into my chair. When it left I knew a message was coming. It came that night.

Again, huh?

And now, nothing. No communication but it doesn’t feel like there needs to be any. No emotion either.

I Know NOTHING

The other day, I was having some high emotion over certain life events. I had just finished a good workout and opted to take a bath in the middle of the day because I knew the workout would result in sore muscles the next day. As I prepared my bath I began to have high emotions regarding life and my design this lifetime. I questioned something I had read online about my Human Design (HD) profile – my variable. I only read about it briefly but it stuck with me.

My variable is PRR DRL. This is the description of a video I later purchased that explains my variable in more detail:

You are part of an evolutionary movement, the bridge to what is coming. You are carrying one part old Left and three parts new variation of Right. What does this mean for your life’s story?

Ra explains how you are designed to have a new receptive brain system, perspective and mind in an active body from the past. Learn how you can understand and deal with the dilemmas of living in a Left world through your correct dietary regimen and Design Nodal environment. In this lecture, you will see how important your relationships are, because they are ultimately going to define your process. Source

What is interesting to me about the description, and why I ultimately purchased the video, is the word “bridge”. It feels correct to me, like it is my purpose to be this bridge. Yet while I was thinking about it later I was angry at the word “bridge”. I thought, “Great. I’m a bridge, so people just walk all over me.” I remember thinking how the only control I have over this is to make myself unstable so that the people walking all over me fall off.

During this time I was speaking with a guide out loud. No one was home but me and I’m not sure when I started or when I realized what I was doing, but I did. The guide was so real to me, so audible in my mind, that it was just natural for me to speak to him. Then I was just laughing because I had gotten to that frustrated, insane sorta emotional tipping point when life is just making you feel batshit crazy. And then a realization hit me. I said aloud to my guide, “I know NOTHING! NOTHING!” And that was the funniest thing ever. Oh the paradox of it! To feel at once that you Know so much but also that you Know nothing at all.

When I was done laughing I no longer felt the need to be upset. There was only calm and my guide said, “Do you feel better now?” And I said, “Yes.” I knew then that all I needed to do was surrender. To be calm and go with the flow. I remember being that way in the past and I know I can be that way again. I have to get out of my monkey mind, or as HD calls it, the Not-Self. I must listen to my inner voice, which for me is my ultimate guide because I am self-projected. I need to listen to what I say when I speak because through my words my path is revealed. This has always been true for me, too, and so the whole idea of it resonates fully with me. I need to recognize and accept that right now my job is to witness, to observe what is happening around me. Action is not necessary. What I observe and witness will help me understand better my life and purpose so that when I am ready I can step into that last stage in my life, when I become the role model I am here to be (I’m a 6/2 Self-Projected Projector). BUT that last stage usually doesn’t start until around the age of 50. That is 6 more years and feels like an eternity away and I think, “What can I possibly get done at such an age?”

Drink from my Well

So, this morning I went back to the video I had reviewed the day before but never purchased. Turns out it was on sale, half-off. Wow. So I bought it.

After listening to the video on my variable type I now understand what “bridge” means. In the video, Ra Uru Hu explained that I am a bridge to the new nine centered Being which is arriving in 2027. I am 3 Right to 1 Left. Left is the past, Right is the future. Left is strategic/active. Right is receptive/passive. The new nine centered human will be all Right. I am almost there but not quite. Therefore, I act as a bridge between the old Left and the new Right. 

I have a Right brain and Right mind. Because of this I am a “well of awareness” from which others come to drink. My job is to just BE awareness. I am to be active in things that I enjoy. Through this action others will be drawn to me to drink from my well. When they come to me, I give them what they need. If I do the correct activity, or that which feels good to me, then the correct people will come to me. I need to be selective when it comes to who I allow to drink from my well. Those who drink from my well may want to possess me. If I surrender to this, meaning I am not aware of it and seek to please them, I can end up forced to be strategic (Left) because I have to figure out how to get rid of them (lol I SO resonate with this!).

I see things in a very, very deep way. The video repeats over and over how I am a WELL of awareness that others drink from. That is my only purpose. I take in, take it all in, and then wait for someone to drink from my well. Those who drink from my well IS what I am aware of. If they drink murky, stagnant water, so do I. People come to me as a resource. What kind of resource will I be? I need to be selective. If I share openly what I am aware of, what I perceive, then I can easily be perceived as “crazy”. I SEE others. Others have to come to me to also see and only then should I share, not before.

In school I shouldn’t study. I wouldn’t have to. I just show up and pay attention and then when that info is needed I will have it. This is very true for me. In school I didn’t need to study. It all came naturally. Answers I didn’t know would come to me if I allowed them. I could pass tests just by using my intuition! If you asked me later why I answered a question the way I did, I wouldn’t be able to tell you except to say, “it felt right”. 
Because I am 1 Left it is easy for me to convince others that I am like them but I am NOT. I should not change for others. I need to be ME.

The video says, “Don’t get stuck. You are here for the ride.” It says, “Your partner needs to bring out of you that which feels good.” The Left will be drawn to me. The Left socializes through sexuality. The Right socializes through awareness. I am NOT like the Left (this is repeated, too).

Something interesting that was said: If someone comes into my environment and I want to yawn, I need to get rid of them. I find this fascinating because that is most everyone in my environment now (except my kids).

The advice is to stay busy, busy doing things I choose and enjoy. It can be ANYTHING – gardening, reading, blogging, exercising, etc. If I remain busy doing things I enjoy, that I am drawn to, then I am PROTECTED.  

I will feel the best when others drink from my well. This is why when I gave readings I felt so good. This is why when I was a teacher it felt good. Anytime another drinks from my well I will feel this way. When another comes to me, I will always give them something sweet to drink. I will often not know why I say what I say. It will just come to me and I will say it. Then later I won’t remember I said it and I won’t care because I gave them what they needed and that is why I am here. Period. 

I am here to make awareness available to others. 

The video left me with questions. He (Ra Uru Hu) said that the environment I live in is important. It needs to be nourishing. The wrong environment will not nourish but make me sick. He also said I need to nourish my brain the right way. If I just eat and eat without discretion then I will feed everything, even that which is not good for me. So now I want to get a HD reading for this purpose, to find out what environment is best for me and what diet I should follow. 

If I think of places where I felt the most supported when I lived there, they have been inland, in the plains area or in places with lots of space. My guess is this would be my best environment, the one that nourishes me. I love the mountains and the coasts but when I lived in the mountains I did not flourish. When I visit the coasts I feel okay but I do not feel like staying. Being in the trees and forests often causes me to feel penned in. I seek open spaces. 

Diet makes me curious. Should I be eating much less? Should I be eating like I am? 

The good news is that if I am following my strategy and authority then I will already be in the environment that nourishes me.

Finally, I really liked Ra Uru Hu. What an amazing energy! He is a Manifestor. I wonder if I have ever met a Manifestor? I wonder what it would be like to be around someone who didn’t end up exhausting me? Instead, I have surrounded myself with Generators (my two sons) and Manifesting Generators (my daughter and husband).

Today I received a copy of the book, Human Design: The Science of Differentiation. I can’t wait to read it!