Strange dreams lately and they go all night long. Yet none of them seem significant really. It is more like I am doing “work” of some kind that I am not suppose to consciously know about. Or maybe I am visiting other lives in other dimensions parallel to this one?

Some examples:

Dream of washed out bridge and high flood waters. I only recall bits and pieces. I was with a group and we were to travel across this bridge and along this particular road. Where we are going is unknown. Information is presented to the group that a huge flood has wiped out the bridge and the flood waters are still high and turbulent. When we get to the bridge it is very dangerous to try to cross. There are no paths around and going through or over is particularly high risk. What I recall most vividly is seeing a large, concrete bridge poking out of flood waters that are a yucky, puke brown color. The water is swirling and frothing and very turbulent as it forms eddies and whirlpools around the bridge. 

Interpretation – bridges symbolize change, connecting points to make progress towards something. This bridge collapses under the pressure of flood waters which symbolizes high emotion to the point of becoming destructive. Since the bridge collapses an opportunity to progress is missed or broken.

Dream of old couple’s house. I visited a couple living in a quaint house somewhere in the country. The location reminded me of North Dakota or somewhere with vast plains and farmlands. I recall that work was being done on the home inside and out. The inside was dirty with dishes in the sink and dust. Items needed to be moved and rearranged but otherwise all was in working order. Outside I remember being told to move a very large fence beam off to the side. I placed it alongside a road. The beam was almost the length of a football field yet I was easily able to move it. I remember walking along the side of the road and seeing various pillows tossed about. I asked the old man if he wanted them and he did so I told another man to go pick them up. The other man felt like an ex-convict yet he was helping so I didn’t judge him for his past. The old woman was also there but mainly to nod her approval of the process. The last thing I recall is talking to the woman about someone I know in this life. She told me he was in a relationship with a woman who was very negative and controlling and made sure no one visited without her prior knowledge. When I asked why he was with her, I was told that this woman tended to his needs. I saw a mental picture of her rubbing his back and soothing him, much like a mother would a son. I remember telling the old lady, “He wouldn’t even let me touch him.”

Interpretation – It seems that I am exploring a part of my past from another lifetime or perhaps a potential that never materialized. The house, or lifetime, is dirty and dusty which means neglected or forgotten. The fence, which symbolizes a barrier of some kind, is taken down, allowing me access. Pillows are comfort and being they are scattered about it likely means the comfort once felt has been scattered about, too. The discussion at the end is the summary of what the house scene represents. 

Dream of being in jail and pregnant. I remember that I was sentenced to time in prison. The prison was not like normal ones with bars and such. Instead it was quite low security with rooms more like a rehabilitation center. I remember going into a room with a group of other girls/women. The room had showers and seemed to be a place I visited often. I was given a number and went to a locker that was made of metal wire and see-through. Inside were people and I seemed to shrink down and become small to go into the locker to be with them. The next thing I recall is being told I was in labor. I don’t recall feeling pregnant really or feeling any labor pains but I was upset because I wanted my mother to be there during the process. I was told she couldn’t be and I would have to do it alone. This upset me very much and I began to cry and wail in protest. 

Interpretation – Jail symbolizes feeling stuck or trapped. Showers are healing. Lockers indicate I am seeking something lost or hidden. I shrink down which means I focus in on what is inside this hidden aspect. I find others, so likely my soul family who I travel with in this lifetime. I am pregnant, which symbolizes potential rebirth. News about my mother is upsetting which likely indicates that I feel I need guidance from my HS but it is not forthcoming. I am told I must do it alone (they won’t tell me what to do) which is always hard to hear but I hear it often. 

Dream of turbulent sea. This dream seemed to also take place in jail-type environment. I was young and with a group of others my age. We were in school learning and somehow ended up inside a book we were reading. I remember watching as well as being in the scenes. There was a vast, pitch black, turbulent sea. The waves were high and tossing us about. In the water there was this large, grid-like, black structure that moved through the water like it had stealth technology. It seemed like something was being explained to me but I only recall that the end result was positive. 

Interpretation – the sea usually symbolizes calmness and inner strength but since it is black (the unknown) and turbulent (high emotion) then it indicates upheaval. The grid-like structure reminds me of the grid-like, black liquid that I felt poured upon my energy body a couple of times now. It is always over my mid-section near my sacral. My guess is this dream represents a conversation about this healing work.

HD

Upon waking this morning I was once again thinking of HD. Rather than be critical of myself for what might be weaknesses or drawbacks of my particular design, I embraced it. One thing I am usually really critical about is how much I dislike people in general and don’t want to be around them. I recognized that I do like to be around people but prefer the contact be distant such as when I go shopping or on walks. It is more personal, one-on-one interactions that I avoid. 

What is interesting is that when I woke up my friend had reacted to a comment I made in a FB message  yesterday. She waited until later to react which I find synchronistic. My friend is also a Projector like me so understands and can relate to much of my emotional response to life. This was my comment:

“I think the part that pisses me off the most about being a Projector is that we are completely Other-oriented and I really dislike other people in general and want them to all leave me alone (Generators at least). But I am a 2nd line and that goes with the territory.”

Her reaction was to laugh, which I can understand. I have even laughed about it! Yet the comment relays very accurately how I feel and have felt my entire life. 

When considering the comment and my feelings I understand that it is through my experiences as a Projector that I developed this emotional response to life and the general Generator majority. All the way through until my mid-thirties I felt a genuine desire to help whoever I could but now that desire has waned and grown almost completely non-existent. It is because of my failure to help that this occurred, or at least my consideration that I failed to help. My guides tell me otherwise. 

As early as my teens I wanted to get away from people and places with lots of people. High school was one such place and my entire high school only had about 100 students! But to me, that was way too many people because I sensed from the majority of my classmates a lack of genuineness. But the part that was really difficult to accept is that few were interested in changing that. I was lucky to have found a single friend who was open to what I had to offer but our senior year she drifted away leaving me alone. I was okay with that because I knew my friend well enough to know it was a phase and by that time I saw freedom ahead, freedom from the close-minded, sleepwalking majority (or so I thought).

When I ended up in Montana I soon realized that less populated places didn’t ease my misery. It wasn’t the number of people that was the problem, it was the quality of people. My move to Alaska proved that and then some and I hightailed it back to Texas.

Embracing the fact that people were not the issue, I tried to use my gifts to help with mixed success. I still found myself both alone and not alone at the same time. Part of me loved the alone time while another part craved a significant partner and small group of like-minded friends. It was a miserable place to be and I still experience this internal split to this day. 

And no matter how hard I tried, it seemed my “help” was not wanted. I went unheard, ignored or ostracized. The only time someone wanted to hear me was when they were getting predictions of their future. People would flock to me in that regard. “Tell me what will happen”, “Tell me what to do”, “Tell me….” to the point that their words repeated with such regularity that I began to despair. The answers I gave were always the same – “Your future is what you make it. You have free-will. You already Know, just Look.” No one wanted to hear that, though, did they? They still don’t. Sigh. 

As a 6/2, Self-Projected Projector, I can feel when my messages are accepted and when they are not. The minute, no the second, the other hears something they don’t want to hear, I might as well be on mute. My words do not hit home. They are lost in the wind. 

Most of the time, the Other wants to babble on about things that really don’t matter, things they have been conditioned to talk about, things they feel have been done to them (victim mentality), plans they have, material things they want, or complaints and excuses. This list goes on. They don’t realize I can see into them, to their core, and I know when they are using words/communication to fill that uncomfortable space. I know the truth behind the words. I sense the insecurity underneath. The desire to be accepted. Their hesitancy to speak their truth and the reasons behind it. And the more I sit and listen to this babbling, the more uncomfortable I get. Their energy is actually painful after a while. I feel sucked dry of my energy to the point that if I don’t get away I might pass out right then and there.

When I am around people who are talking via their Not-Self (most people) I literally can’t physically stand it for long. When I was younger I felt this, too, but I thought something was wrong with me so I made myself follow the “rules” and pleasantries only to later feel resentment (bitter). Why? They just don’t want to hear me, I mean really HEAR me, because to do that means they have to hear themselves. 

So now, nearing my mid-forties, I honestly do not like nor want to be around other people. I am certain now, though, that “most” people are the Generators of the world. I understand that the reason I am not driven to use my gifts “to help” is the result of so many failures to really get through to others. Sure, I help by telling them what I see for their future, but that is so superficial, so pointless really. If no real perception shift was created by my time with them, then, to me, I failed.

So I say, “What’s the point? Let them eat cake.” 

I only use that quote because it is what popped into my head. Yet at the same time I realize it is true, but not because I feel that I am better somehow than everyone else. No. Because “cake” symbolizes extravagance, indulgence…..everything that is materialism. Others are so distracted by the material and it is the reason they refuse to hear, to Know, to See, to confront the illusion. 

From what I’ve read about Projectors like me (6/2 Self-Projected), we are meant to be optimists, to see humanity’s possibilities despite the great many negatives inundating the world today. I don’t think that will ever be me. I try to be a realist but tend mostly towards pessimism. The difference is realists look for creative solutions while pessimists have just given up. Perhaps something will change before I die but I will not hold my breathe. Humanity as it is, in my opinion, is doomed to self-destruct. The most I can hope for is that I find at least one other like me who I can hold onto, confide in, be my true Self with, to live out the rest of my years with. 

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