Daily Archives: October 15, 2021

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A Little Update

So much is going on but at the same time so little. I know, but that is what it feels like. In the past, I’ve called this feeling the “eye of the storm” because I feel like I am standing in the middle of a hurricane watching everything and everyone struggle around me but I remain unscathed. It’s not that I’m not affected – I am – but only because I choose to be by my concern and love for those around me. Yet, regardless of how much I want to make an impact upon others in order to help, I find myself powerless to do so. What actions I do take seem to have no effect. The feeling of powerlessness in itself is upsetting and has the potential to create an inner storm, and it does, until I recognize it and center myself.

Family Drama

An all too familiar family issue has been rearing its ugly head. It’s my sister. Without going into too much detail, she and her husband have gotten themselves into a little legal problem, as in they now have warrants to contend with. As is usual with me, my dreams alerted me to the problem and I reached out and messaged my sister. She then unloaded it all on me. I think she had been holding onto it for far too long and the opportunity to let it all out was too tempting to resist. Knowing better, I got involved and tried to help, actually sending her money twice, in hopes that she would make the right decision and handle her problems responsibly. In all I contributed $400 in an attempt to help my nephew stay in his school. I thought I might have persuaded my sister to do the right thing but she turned to her husband who changed her mind and they fled north. My sister told me they are planning to leave the state. They are running but I know eventually their problems will catch up with them.

My mother has been negatively impacted, as usual. This past weekend I had the idea to go visit her. When I arrived, she hugged me and said, “I knew you’d come. You always know when I need you.” Surprised, because I had not perceived it that way (but she is correct, I do sense when she needs me), I asked her what was wrong. She told me she had gotten nasty texts from my sister’s husband. He had gotten my sister’s phone and read all her messages. I don’t know what he read but whatever it was made him angry. We talked for a while about their predicament and I figured he felt safe with all the distance between him and us that he decided to “burn bridges”. My sister, on the other hand, continues to message my mom but her messages are disjointed and, as usual, she asked for money. Sigh.

My mom says when she gets texts or communication like she did from my BIL, she becomes weak and almost falls down. My sister creates the same effect. At her age, she doesn’t need that kind of stress! I want to make it all go away. I wish I could fix things. It seems my lesson is to let it alone. I am here to observe and help when invited by being physically and emotionally present. 

Sacroiliac Joint Pain

Maybe it’s stress, but along with all of the above I hurt my back. I don’t think it’s serious but it has been a PITA (literally). At first it was bearable but then I had a deep tissue massage and it actually aggravated the problem. After the massage it flared up to the point that I had to lay in bed with a heating pad and/or ice and take Ibuprofen. At first I kept exercising because movement helped but always after I cooled down the pain and stiffness would return, sometimes worse. At the most the pain was a 5/10, which isn’t too bad.

My guess, based upon my research, is that I’ve inflamed my sacroiliac joint, most likely by the CrossFit I’ve been doing lately (high impact, heavy weight). When the SI joint is inflamed, the pain is made worse by prolonged standing or sitting. For me, standing exacerbates the pain. I feel the pain in my upper glutes more than my back. It’s a deep seated aching that is not relieved except by movement. For some the pain to be felt down one or both legs or the lower back, but I don’t have those issues. The pain is often misdiagnosed as Sciatica, but SI joint issues do not cause weakness. 

When I told my mom about it, she said that is the joint she has degeneration in and causes her issues. So it may be hereditary. 😦 The best thing I can do is stop lifting weights, stay active, stretch consistently and listen to my body. It should go away on its own. 

I’ve taken this whole week off of weight training. Bending down to pick up anything over 5lbs causes my my sacral area to hurt. I feel old, especially when I wake up in the morning. My entire posterior chain is stiff. 😦 So every morning I do 10-15 of yoga after I take Monty on a walk. Later in the day I do 30 minutes of low impact cardio. It’s working!

The sacroiliac joint is connected to the root chakra. Based upon my dreams of late, it appears that I’m working on that area, as well as other areas linked to survival and security. 

Dreams

My dreams have been bringing up emotion quite frequently, specifically fear and avoidance. My guides sometimes make an appearance, asking question and creating spikes in lucidity in order to make remembering the encounters easier. 

The other night the dream I had was about recognizing when to take action based upon the signs received. In that particular dream, I witnessed a roof begin to crack and the metal sheets slid down to reveal two separate houses under one roof. At the end of the dream I said to my guide, “I can’t ignore the signs anymore. It is clear this is no longer my path.”

I’m also having dreams of various meetings with people I know in real life (online and in-person). The emotion and energy of the encounters are muted in my memory but when I wake I know the energy connection was substantial. It feels like I am doing quite a bit in dreamtime but I wake up almost devoid of the specific memory. All that’s left is residual energy and a suspicion that something significant occurred. 

Sometimes I remember the dreams vividly and of those times I’ve wished I hadn’t. The dream encounters are consistently with the same person, on average 1-2 dreams per month. Initially the dreams were friendly, but now they almost always involve Kundalini energy. The most recent one ignited my heart with bliss, something I have yet to experience with this person in dreamtime. The heart bliss is my all-time favorite of all the K energy. I’m a little worried about the pattern I see arising, especially since this person is someone I interact with on occasion.

The other night I spent quite a long time talking with a woman amidst various dream scenes. I was awakened by her voice and an vivid image of a middle aged woman with thick, blonde hair. She was telling me that what I am seeking will be found and as I became more lucid, I interrupted her message with my own Knowing. Even though what I was being told was mostly positive and should’ve brought me hope, I woke up crying. 

After I returned to sleep, I found myself in a dream scene with the same woman. Our conversation continued but I kept fighting sleep in the dream, sluggish and unable to “wake up” within it like I needed to. Despite my struggle, I still recall enough to know that I was being counseled. There were emotions present that I felt fully to the point that I became overwhelmed. These emotions were not mine, though, and I recognized this. I felt the woman’s intense purpose and desire. I felt her intention, her love, her guilt, her pain. She invited me to join her on her path and I told her, “I can, but not for long. Your path is not my own.” She questioned me on what I was feeling and when I told her I became wistful and overwhelmed at the same time. I want to feel the emotion but it is more than I can bear and I told her, “I’m not use to feeling so much. I don’t know what to do with it all!” I desire to feel more alive, and the emotion creates such a zest for life, so I embrace it. Yet at the same time I am fearful of it because I become paralyzed by it to the point that all I do is cry. To feel so much makes me feel inadequate to the point of a failure because I cannot cope except to let the emotion overpower me.

Human Design

Because of the energy dynamics in my dreams and the questions posed by my guidance over the span of a couple of weeks, I am thinking more and more about my HD chart. Specifically, how limited and specific my chart is compared to other charts I’ve seen. The overwhelm I have at encountering lots of emotion is likely a direct result of my lack of definition. When I meet someone who has more definition, especially those with lots of it, the amount of emotion I experience is much higher than I do when not influenced by their aura. If the person has a defined emotional center (solar plexus) it is even more intense, like blow me out of the water intense. 

My mother is one of these individuals. She and I, when our auras interact, have a 9-0 relationship, which means all centers are defined. She is an emotional MG, the most intense you can get. My daughter is also an emotional MG. I find the emotion of both of them quite overwhelming and have to walk away in order to avoid being swept up in it. When either of them gets highly emotional, I find myself following suit and it can create quite the upset if the emotion is negative. However, when the emotion is positive I am deeply attracted to them/it and enjoy being swept up into it. All in all, their emotion feels like my own but the truth is – it’s not. 

I have struggled my entire life with trying to differentiate between my own emotion and the emotion of others. My typical emotional state is very flat compared to others – in general. It’s not that I can’t feel emotion of my own, but that I can be very disconnected emotionally. This can often cause others to think me incapable of emotion. To someone who is very emotionally defined I can appear callous and cold, uncaring and, as my daughter puts it, “mean”. But, I can also be extremely compassionate, caring and sympathetic when I want to. This part of me comes out most when I around someone who is feeling sadness, grief, or depression. I tend to be coldest when a person is venting, raging, angry, pressuring or critical. 

So, my discussion about emotion in my dream brings me to conclude that my HD is teaching me how to gauge emotion, my own and others. I have a completely open emotional center, so when I feel, I feel it ALL. It literally sweeps me up, devours me entirely and then drops me all at once leaving me wondering WTF happened. And it is VERY overwhelming at times. There is no avoiding that. The way to cope with all that emotion is to let it flow through me without being the effect of it. Completely OPEN in HD is like a spigot without a shutoff. Trying to shut it off won’t work. BUT, if I remain neutral, letting the emotion flow by as I observe, then I can manage without being swept away by it all. 

It is clear to me why I chose my husband as a partner. His HD is very similar to my own. He only has one more defined center – sacral – and he is an MG, but not an emotional one. So we are both very flowing and fluid. The emotion I feel from him, while it can be intense, is tolerable because, oddly, it feels self-created, as if he is playing a role he thinks he should play. The drawback, however, is that without emotion that has definition, it can get quite boring. So, I am choosing boring and predictable because at least I feel in control versus feeling totally controlled by the emotion otherwise. Someone with definition takes the lead when with someone without definition.

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Dream: Remembering Him

Many emotional dreams lately. Here is one from this morning.

Dream: Remembering Him

I situated myself on my back without a pillow and put the pillow over the top of my head and rested my hands there. This position tends to bring on lucidity and K energy, especially lately. 

I found myself in a small garden. This one was newly tilled and unplanted. I was excited to be there and pointed to some mounds in the distance asking if anything had been planted there yet. The woman with me told me it had not and I said, “Good! I want to plant some squash.” I knew it was not too late because it was the month of May and squash did well in the warmer weather.

It took me no time to get to planting and I began by pulling out what looked like weeds. What they turned out to be were various veggie plants that had grown from the old plant left from the previous season. I pulled up a part of a broccoli crown that had roots shooting out of the tiny green “leaves” of the top. This pleased me and I told the woman I would replant it, excited that it was already growing so well. When I pulled up the next one it was part of a carrot, a huge, thick, healthy one. Again, I was excited, and I passed the piece to her and dug up the rest, keeping it but not eating it. 

I continued to dig for a bit and then my mind and emotion wandered. It was like the subject changed suddenly. My woman friend was no longer there in the dream. Instead there was a familiar energy, that of a friend and someone I love so, so deeply that words alone are not enough. The garden was still around me but now there was a tall, dark, handsome man there with me. When I saw him I was overjoyed and I went over to him and embraced him. I can’t recall his exact looks because it was like his face shifted through various likenesses, perhaps memories of all the different human forms I’ve known him to take. 

The feelings that filled me were so joyous, so hopeful, so excited. I was overflowing with love and kinship for this man. I knew he and I shared a special bond. The feeling is not one I’ve had in this lifetime except with one person but since that time was so brief, I cannot say it was the same. The feeling was definitely what I would expect only twins would feel for each other. A Knowing of the other, inside and out, and a connection beyond comprehension by anyone without the experience. It was very much like he was my brother, my best friend, my companion through thick and thin, and my life partner all bundled into one. 

There was a whole history there in my memory as I stood there with him, holding his hand and touching him whenever I had the chance. There was memory that we had been lovers many times over. A specific time came to mind and I knew, though what we shared was special, he was searching for something and that something could not be found in or with me. In the dream this played out as us being together but him looking far into the distance, his mind and energy directed elsewhere. There was silence between us and it felt as if he desired to have more – more conversation, more excitement, more adventure. He was not satisfied with just being there with me in the silence and enjoying Being together. I remember hearing, “We have nothing to talk about.” I don’t know if I said it, he said it, or we both did.

My disappointed was overwhelming and I grieved but not in a way that is usual in a body. It was full of understanding and acceptance. I let him go, watched him go in the direction he had been looking, and then fade away, but I could still feel him, feel Us, feel our bond. What I felt is hard to describe. There was a definite whiny quality to it along with a restlessness. I remember pacing back and forth as I spoke aloud to someone about what I was feeling. There was acceptance of his decision but I did not like it nor want it. My pacing continued and intensified the more I despaired. Time felt to stretch forever with me trapped inside. 

What I was feeling almost brought on full lucidity but I never quite made it to full awareness. I found myself going to a bed in the dark space I paced in. It was clear I was seeking to hide, to sleep, to immerse myself in sweet oblivion. I would lay down and then sit up, still restless, unable to forget. 

I began to cry, slow, silent tears. The emotion woke me up and I lay stunned in bed, wiping my eyes and trying to contact all the emotion of the dream. All I could find were remnants but I did contact that infinite bond of friendship, love and kinship. Oh how sweet it tastes! 

Guidance

Not long ago, maybe two days now, I was told by my guidance that help would be offered. I was told, “We will show you yourself.” In that moment it felt like what I would see was unwanted and hidden away. I think, though, that this dream reveals a part of it. 

About a week ago I realized that part of my struggle is in accepting the masculine – within and without. I reject the masculine and tend to demonize all males, blaming them and sometimes hating them. It was and is clear to me that I must embrace the masculine, to love and be in awe of Him. There is so much distrust of the masculine that must be inspected, forgiven and embraced. I asked, “How?” and got no audible answer. Yet I knew it required I look within, deep within and beyond physicality. 

It could that the physical me interprets the experience of missing that “other half” as rejection and abandonment. It is understandable, then, that the result would be resentment and blame. This physical me has a tendency to barricade herself behind walls of protection. Any suspicion of threat is kept behind those walls. It can be hard to accept that the one you love most is not satisfied with what you provide. But there is understanding, also, that they are seeking outwardly what they already have within. Every experience beyond Us will only strengthen our bond. 

It seems to me that I have spent many lifetimes seeking that which I miss the most. The grief and restlessness seeps through into physical reality and consciousness, leaving an emptiness that cannot be filled.