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by

Deer Patrol

I have been feeling very down and out for the last couple of days for no apparent reason. It is odd to me how my feelings quickly change seemingly for no reason. I am use to it as it has happened like this my entire life, but never this frequently. I know the world is undergoing a great energy shift and that it has been escalating in intensity, especially this year, but I am tiring of it. I wish that I could shut out all the outside energy that impacts me, but I seem unable to completely keep it out. The more I isolate myself to try and protect myself, the more irritated I seem to get. Yet when I open up more, I get overwhelmed and overly emotional and unbalanced. I don’t know which is worse – to shut down my emotions or to be overwhelmed by them. It seems a lose-lose situation.

Deer Patrol

It was dark. I was in a familiar house. It was cozy and nice. It felt like grandmother’s house – a place of safety and love. I was not alone. There was an old man and a couple of younger, twenty-somethings, one male the other female. I felt older than them but much younger than the old man.

I spoke with the two younger people, the male one first. He was getting ready to head back to college. He told me he had to study for an exam and I was surprised by this. “When I went to college, we took all our finals before break. When did they start giving finals after Christmas vacation?” The young man paused and then said, “I don’t know. That is just how it is”. I replied, “That isn’t very fair. You are suppose to study and prepare for the exams. If you have them after vacation, then you will have to study for them during vacation! That kinda defeats the whole point of vacation!” My voice got a bit louder as I was talking because I was feeling frustrated for this young man, yet he didn’t seem to care one way or the other. “I’ve been studying for a couple of days. I don’t have to do much more than that”. He then said his goodbyes to us and left the room.

The young woman had dark hair and appeared older than the young man. She was much more serious and guarded and did not say much. She did question if I was going to return to school. I told her, “I am done with school. I don’t want to go back”.

She stayed for a while and I began to pay more attention to what the old man was doing. He was sitting near the large, picture window, waiting for something. I could see images of a garden and other plants outside the window, but it was still very dark. A woman called out to him from somewhere in the house, “Don’t forget to take those pots outside when you go on watch”. I think it must have been his wife. He called back, “Yeah, okay”.

He stayed where he was for a while, resting up against the window and watching me. I could not see his face clearly but he was old, probably in his 60’s. He had leathery skin like someone who spent a lot of time outdoors and his hair was white and bushy. He picked up something and hoisted it up on his shoulder. I looked harder and saw that it was an old shotgun.

I asked him what it was for.

“I patrol the garden at night to keep them away from it”.

“Keep who away?” I asked. At that time a tiny bell tone pinged a few times. It sounded like an alarm of some sort.

“The deer”, he replied and got up and went outside.

I followed him outside and saw a clear black sky dotted with stars. I could not see the moon but I could tell it must have been out because it was not so dark you couldn’t see. The man went into a tiny section of the yard and stood looking around. A large tree stood on the right and there was a tall, wooden fence in front of him approximately 10 feet away. I stood next to him, looking around I heard a noise in the bushes but couldn’t see anything but shadows.

There was noise from the direction of the tree. The man took aim at something shiny and fired. I heard a ping and look up. He had shot a silver ornament of some kind that was hanging in the tree. I noticed then that the tree was full of them. The man kept shooting at them, though, and the ones he shos fell, one by one, to the ground. I wondered if the man was practicing.

After he finished, I looked around some more. We were standing amidst plants of all types. Some were as high as our waists. They were vegetable plants mostly but some were potted. I turned and saw the pots the man’s wife asked him to take outside. They were full of black dirt with shrubbery of some kind poking out, but mostly I saw just the dirt. I vaguely recall that his job was to water them.

When I saw the wood fence I remembered my own frustration with deer and how we had erected a fence around our garden. I told the man, “Why don’t you just build a fence?” He said something about not wanting to. I pointed to the wood fence and said, “But you already have part of one. It would be very easy”. He did not respond. I assumed he must have been happy with his job of patrolling for deer at night.

The alarm sounded again and I got a flash in my mind of a tiny fawn with spots. When I saw the vision I warned the old man but he was already pointing his gun at something. I looked in the direction of his gun and saw a tiny, spotted fawn stumbling through the bushes. The man said, “It’s a fawn. It’s brother is over there” and he pointed to another identical fawn. I held my breath at how beautiful, tiny and frail they were. The man said, “Their mom is around here somewhere”.

Just then the mother deer came bounding into the garden. Her eyes were big and she stopped and froze when she saw us. I The man let her go, though and she soon walked on past, nibbling at his garden as she did. He said, “Get out of here!” and she finally left.

older-fawnsSymbolism

When I awoke from this and other dreams I was not feeling very positive. In fact, I was sort of angry. Part of the dream was still with me when I awoke, the part where I was discussing how it was not fair to have exams after vacation. I then stated very clearly that I was “done” with school. It seems to me now that this part of the dream was symbolic of a conversation I had with my guide. I believe he told me that I had to wait until after Christmas vacation. I am not sure what I am waiting for, but the news did not make me happy and that feeling continues to unsettle me.

The deer in the dream are also very vivid to me, especially the fawns. A deer symbolizes grace, compassion, gentleness, natural beauty and meekness. Deer represent femininity and being alert to such qualities within yourself. A deer can freeze and be very still, blending into its surroundings in order to avoid detection. The fact that the old man allowed the deer to live suggests there is a message that I should blend in with my surroundings, let my femininity shine through and have compassion for others and myself.

The fawn is symbolic of friendship that is true and reminds us to have faith in love. In my dream the fawn is what I spend the most time admiring. They are so tiny and frail and I have an urge to protect them. Perhaps I am being reminded of my own children as well as my loved ones in life?

The shotgun is a message that I need to better focus my energies upon my intended goal(s). What is interesting is that I am struggling to remember what my goals are. I cannot see anything for my future except more of the same. I feel suppressed by a life on hold so much that I have forgotten what I once dreamed of creating. All I seem to be able to see is constant waiting and what is even more bothersome is I don’t even know what I am waiting for.

by

Bullet Holes

Before I went to bed last night, I did not read as is my usual routine. The book I have been reading has me a bit overwhelmed and I need time to process it. So instead of reading, I decided to ask to astral. I said, “I would like to confront my fears and defeat my demons.” I focused on my third chakra as I mentally said this. Then I said, “I would like to see my core Self”. After I said this, I had a bit of fear rise up within me. It was surprising and my guide said, “Okay”.

Finding Daddy

I awoke sometime around midnight and do not remember my dreams. I went back to sleep almost instantly.

I slowly became more and more aware as I was dreaming. At first, the dream is a haze but I do recall being outside of a row of houses in a fairly nice neighborhood. There was a park with bright green grass across from the particular house I was standing in front of. The day was bright but not too bright and I had a feeling it was mid-morning.

I was with several other people, but I do not remember any except one man and one woman. The man was who I was speaking with the most at this time. We were discussing OBEs and how to initiate one. I don’t recall who came up with the idea to try, but I laid down on the front steps of the house after recognizing the heaviness I felt and commenting that I needed to use it to my advantage. At the time I really do not recall feeling “heavy” or anything of the sort, though, which is odd to me.

When I laid down, I close my eyes in the dream and could feel the heavy feeling I had just commented to my friend about. The scene was still there but turned gray as I closed my astral eyes. I was not fully aware just yet but was attempting to bring more consciousness into the experience and I am assuming this was the method that made most sense at this time. I felt my “body” but it was not my physical body. It felt heavy and cumbersome and now that I look back on that moment, I believe I was feeling my etheric body. I don’t remember much about the shift but when it happened I instantly recognized I had achieved my goal of going OOB. All I recall of the feeling now is a funny shifty energy similar to what I feel when I exit my physical body.

When I got OOB (and it is funny because I believe I already was OOB prior) I was elated. I had instant astral vision and was facing the vivid green grass of the park. The sky was blue and spotted with clouds and I reveled in the clarity that surrounded me as I have not had much of that in a while. I could still hear the friend who I had been with but I don’t remember now what he said to me. I turned around, though, suddenly wondering if I could get a glimpse of my body. I looked toward the steps of the house where I knew I had fallen asleep and saw a body, curled up underneath a heavy green and blue blanket, my body!

After seeing my body, for some reason I was surrounded by several men of various ages and we all set off through the park. I immediately began to think of my father and was thinking/saying, “I have to find my Daddy”. We ended up inside a busy restaurant. I think we teleported there because one minute I was in the park and the next I was inside a restaurant. The men were still with me, too.

I looked about, noticing there were many, many people eating and conversing inside the restaurant. It was also a very nice restaurant and the people were all wearing business attire. Most were businessmen of various ages. I looked at them closely, thinking once I saw the back of my Dad’s head after hearing one of the men I was with saying, “Look for him”.

After a few minutes I said aloud, “I don’t think my Dad is here. I don’t think he is in astral anymore”. I felt that he had moved higher up and knowing this made me instantly forget about looking for him.

willowGutted Apartments

As soon as I lost interest in finding my Dad I was transported to yet another scene. This was instantaneous and almost imperceptible. There was no loss in vision that I recall. One minute I was in the restaurant, the next I was standing outside on a paved road underneath a huge weeping willow tree. I stood there dazed for a moment, trying to get my bearings. I looked up and saw the trees heavy, green branches hanging over my head. I then noticed that it was raining a light mist and it was coming down all around me. It was very light rain, just a dusting but enough of it to get wet, although I do not recall feeling “wet” but I did feel the tickle of the rain on my skin. I remember saying aloud, “Come on! I thought I was past this!” as I said this, I saw past the rain a sliver of sunlight peak through rain clouds. I instantly forgot the rain and began to focus upon the tree that was hanging over my head.

I reached up into the tree’s branches and attempted to use it to spring up into the air. As I did, It felt like the tree reached out and wrapped itself around me. I was only able to get about six feet up and then it seemed to gently push me back toward the ground. I tried one more time to get airborne and it happened again. I soon gave up, deciding I was meant to walk, not fly.

It was at the point that I began to look around me. I was standing in a street that led to a large group of apartments that circled a round parking area and street. My vision was still bright and the day still almost cloudless. I scanned the apartments and noted their varying states of decay. Some looked like they had been bombed while others just looked neglected or unfinished. They were all white with several stories and every one of them had no glass in their windows. Instead of windows, there were black, gaping holes that screamed emptiness and isolation.

I did not feel concerned about the apartments as I walked toward them, surveying each of them. I headed toward the last row as I thought I detected a ray of sunlight shining through one of the windows in the very back of one of the apartments. I thought perhaps I could get through to the other side of the apartment, so I went inside.

When I walked in, I noticed the walls were barren, cold and grayish white. I yelled something like, “Hello! I am here!” but got no answer, just an echo of my own voice. There was no furniture and the windows did show there was an other side to the building. I walked toward it but as I did, the walls seemed to shift. I went through a window and it turned into a staircase that went down, or did it go up? I went up the staircase and into another room and again hit another staircase as I tried to go through a window. This one appeared to also go down.

I followed the stairs into a round room that was made of the same grayish walls. There were tiny windows cut out in it, but there was more wall on the other side with only teeny, tiny slits that opened to daylight on the other side. The walls appeared to be made of cement and were very hard and I noted tiny, round moldings decorated the walls. I tried to find the way through but I kept going in circles and could not get out. I then wondered how I got there as I was confused – did I go up or down? It was very disorienting and the room almost seemed to spin around me as I kept trying to get out.

Bullet Holes

I came into my body briefly then and recognized it. I was cold and shifted my position and then went back to sleep.

I did not come back with full lucidity but I was lucid enough to remember that I was talking with someone. There were two – a man and a woman. I recounted my experience to the man, telling him excitedly, “I saw my body!”. Most of this I remember as if re-dreaming everything. I felt like he was there to take notes on my experience.

Within this semi-lucid state while I was recounting my experience, I found myself in a completely different scene. Laid out in front of me was a multicolored board. It was like a canvas but I cannot tell what was painted on it, just that it had lots of vivid reds, blues, and other colors on it. I was carefully filling tiny holes that dotted the canvas with a yellowish putty. I dipped the putty from a container that was held by a woman. She had blonde hair and was very bright. As I dipped into the putty she said, “I can only help you if you are clear”. I immediately understood that she could only help me heal if I was focused upon what I wanted to heal. I looked down at the canvas and the tiny holes all over it. I recognized the holes as bullet holes; wounds.

This vision and message woke me up. I was very cold and a bit shaken by what I had just seen. Was I really so wounded?

It Has Been So Long

I noticed the time and then rolled over to try and sleep. But I couldn’t. I was wide awake. I kept thinking, “I am healing”. My guide was close and he covered me in his calming energy. It swept over me, entering my left arm and then spreading over my entire body. I let it pull me into relaxation, reveling in it.

I must have dozed a bit, as I was awakened by my guide saying to me, “Encourage you to explore yourself. Encourage you to share your experiences with everyone you can.” This brought me to full wakefulness as I digested what I had just been told. I questioned my guide, “Share my experiences???” My guide sent another waves of energy throughout my body. It was more intense this time and I thought for sure something big was happening. I allowed myself to be overcome with the energy and felt it rising in my midsection. Then, it then began to slowly withdraw the last of it lingering in my head until it was gone.

I asked my guide, “Why do you do that? I love it when you do that. It has been so long. Why did you stop?” All these questions came at once along with a feeling of hope that I cannot describe and a welling up of emotion that said, “It has been so long”. It was like I was meeting up with someone I had left behind and only when I saw them again did I realize just how much I missed them. It was the feeling of Home that I have been chasing after my entire life.

I could feel my heart filling up but it fell short of the amazing outpouring of love that I have felt in the past. I was left feeling incomplete but at peace.

Factors Influencing Projection

Lucidity scale: 7

Intent stated?: Yes

Time to bed: 10pm

Time to wake: 7:30am

Meditation?: None

Physical Exercise?: None

Mood: normal to low

Body: neck ache, lower back ache

Tiredness: Moderate

Number of wakings: 2

Technique?: No

Sleeping position: left

Supplements: Natural Calm, Sleepy Time Extra Tea, Benadryl 25mg, Calcium 500mg, Vitamin D 1000mg, Vitex 150mg, DonQuai 150mg

 

 

by

Hide or Seek?

The energy is changing again. It is growing lighter and more positive. It almost feels like the cold air came through and blew away all the “hot air” which was full of anger, distrust, paranoia and all sorts of cluttered, chaotic thoughts. Perhaps this is just me that feels the change, but I suspect it is not. I even read an astrological forecast recently that suggests that coming new moon this Saturday is hastening in this new energy and that by the middle of December many of us will experience major breakthroughs in our ever challenging spiritual advancement.

Routine

I have been having quite a few spiritual breakthroughs of late. Most of these are occurring during sleep and so in the morning I feel much more balanced and at ease than the previous night. Last night I slept very deeply and do not even remember my dreams, yet I awoke in a positive mood and my first thoughts of the day focused on how blessed I am instead of how stuck. I could use to this kind of change! Yet I know all of this “comes and goes in waves” and eventually I must delve deeper which inevitably will bring me back to feeling knee deep in muck.

With the positive attitude I have been feeling a deep urge to alter my daily routine. This comes with a strong feeling of boredom and questioning of “what to do” with all this time I seem to have stumbled upon. Honestly, I do not have more time or less time than I did before but my perception of my free time has changed. Last night, after making dinner, cleaning up and preparing for the coming day, I noticed it was only 6pm and I had at least three more hours of evening before bed because two of my three children had fallen asleep. I had nothing on “my list” to do and so paced the kitchen for a while and stared at the clock. I eventually sat down to color one of my children’s coloring pages while my mind thought of absolutely nothing.

Later, after filling only about 20 minutes of my free time with coloring, I began to try to come up with things to do. My routine had not succeeded in filling this time as it has just come to my attention that I have it. I filled this free time in the past with school. Oddly, I longed for something to occupy my mind at that moment yet I knew more school was not the thing I desired this time. I could not, for the life of me, come up with anything suitable to fill my time! I eventually opted to spend the remaining time I had with my daughter since she was the only one of my three children awake. It was nice and I was able to settle but I continued to have this nagging feeling that I could be more productive. But doing what?

My routines have been my sanity for as long as I can remember, but what do I do when my routines no longer do the job? It is very apparent to me that I need something more. But what?

I am told that space has been created within me. This void has come about as a result of the purging I have been doing and will continue to increase as I succeeded in purging the old, useless aspects of my Self that I have been carrying with me. I no longer need the same routines to hide from myself because I am finally confronting that which I was hiding from. In the past I would seek out individuals who I could talk to for hours about spiritual and philosophical things, but even that is not appealing to me. Why? I use to love it!

Hide or Seek?

Routines can be good. They can keep life orderly. They help us get things done that need to be done. They get the bills paid on time. They feed us when we are hungry. They complete projects and goals. But routines can get old and stale. They can trap us in a box of familiarity. Some of us get addicted to our routines. We feel uncomfortable when they are are not followed.

If you are like me and find yourself on auto pilot, following life routines on a daily basis, you may be ready to change. Right now is the time to decide: do you want to hide or seek? Routine can keep us in hiding from ourselves and right now, those of us who are feeling the call of spiritual change will be feeling unfulfilled and empty. These feelings challenge us, but not all of us will accept the challenge. If you listen to your feelings with a desire to change them, you will find yourself questioning your routines. Will you seek out the answers or will you continue to hide in your comfort zone?

I ask you today to consider your own life routines. How do they help you? How do they hinder you? Do you find routine comforting? Or do you find yourself hating your routines because you are so controlled by them?

by

Facade

I awoke at 4am. I don’t remember my dreams but I do remember “thinking” from within a dream-like state. I was remembering and replaying in my mind a memory from a long time ago.

It was the day our senior class voted on various items prior to graduation. All 33 of us gathered in a small classroom and Mr. F stood in front of the class and began explaining all the slots that needed to be voted upon. First up was the “Most likely to Succeed” category for one male and one female senior. Every year these spots went to the class Valedictorian and Salutatorian if they were male and female. I expected to be nominated when my name was called. I did not expect for someone to nominate my best friend who was 4th in rank. I also did not expect her to accept the nomination.

I remember a classmate of mine looking my way and raising her eyebrows. She knew what was going on. Everyone did. The person who had nominated my best friend was a girl who had hated me ever since middle school when I had called her out in front of the entire class for attempting to cheat off my Algebra test. Unfortunately for me, she was a very popular girl. Not only was she beautiful (flawless good looks) but she was also a cheerleader and the leader of the “popular” girl group. All the boys drooled over her but most girls secretly hated her. I was one of the few to voice my disapproval of her. This was common for me. I rarely kept my opinions to myself. Unfortunately for me, this created in her a huge enemy and she often badmouthed me to others.

When my best friend agreed to the nomination, I knew she would win. Everyone liked my best friend. Few really liked me. In fact, I had no other close friends. My heart sunk a little because I was certain this meant a humiliation was coming for me. I thought about withdrawing but I had hope that my best friend would withdraw her nomination at the last minute. I held my breath as we were sent outside during the vote.

As we waited outside, I looked at my best friend who smiled at me. I asked her why she accepted the nomination. She said, “Why wouldn’t I?” I was surprised by her candor and lack of consideration of my emotions. This was unlike her. I told her, “You know you will win”. She just smiled and said, “We’ll see”.

When we went inside, I already knew the outcome. The popular group, led by the girl who had hated me since middle school, clapped loudly and congratulated my best friend. I sat down without looking in their direction and quietly looked toward the front of the room. The girl who had looked at me with suspicion earlier told me, “I tried to get them to vote for you, but she kept arguing against it. I’m sorry. You deserved it”. She put her hand on my shoulder to offer me her sympathy. I also felt the eyes of several others looking in my direction. I fought back tears as I looked past the girl and ignored the looks of everyone else. I knew if I looked that I would cry and I could not let them see that and win.

We continued to vote, but it was all a blur to me for the most part. I numbly participated and continued to get comments from the girl next to me about how unfairly I was treated. I wanted to crumple into a heap on the floor, but I stood my ground and held it all in. I really, really hated that girl!

When it came time for the class moto, no one had any ideas. I was wearing a t-shirt that day with a cartoon of a fish being hooked by a fishing pole. It said, “So far, so good” on it. The girl who hated me since middle school pointed at my shirt and said to everyone, “How about what her shirt says?” Of course, everyone loved the idea and it instantly became the class moto. I was a bit surprised by this. Why would that nasty girl do that? Was she trying to look good to everyone else because she knew people were thinking she potentially swayed the earlier vote? Did she feel guilty or was she just caring about how she looked? Most likely the latter.

When we were finished, I left the room and waited for my best friend outside of it. I asked her why she accepted the nomination, explaining the girl was obviously trying to create a conflict between us. She seemed surprised and a bit condescending when she responded, “Why wouldn’t I? Did you think I would step down? They thought I deserved it.” I got a bit upset with her and said, “It was supposed to go to me and you know it” and walked away without giving her a chance to respond. I noticed that one of the girls she had been hanging out with approached as I was leaving.

That was in the spring prior to graduation. I had noticed a gradual distancing from me that started after the Christmas holiday. At first it was not too noticeable but eventually it became obvious. She began to call me less and less frequently. When I inquired about it she would tell me that she did something with a girl who was a grade level below us. This girl was known to smoke pot and drink. When I inquired why we were not hanging out as much she said, “I want to meet new people”. I remember thinking that she was being nice but really just didn’t want to be my friend. I pushed the thought away and did not allow myself to angry. I decided I would just hang out with other people, too. So I started working more and spending more time with my coworkers who were also students.

What was most upsetting was that we had chosen the same school to go to. I should have changed schools the minute she began to avoid conversations about going to school together. I didn’t even attempt to room with her. Through the summer we still hung out, but she was hot and cold about our friendship, as if she wasn’t yet sure if she wanted to still be friends. Once school started, I bumped into her during registration and she completely gave me the cold shoulder and acted like she didn’t even know me. I remember feeling like a complete fool. I finally got the message that I was on my own for my first year of college. A few times we saw each other on campus. She told me she was sorry and continued to explain her actions away as being related to her trying to “find herself”. She hung out with people totally different from me, so it really didn’t matter by then. Plus, she continued to hang out with people who did drugs and a few times told me of her one-night-stands. I was not into that kind of thing.

When I awoke, I entered a moment of intense grieving over the memory. I have often wondered what happened. She has apologized to me several times, saying she was “confused” and that the divorce of her parents put her into a tailspin. I accepted this as I really just wanted my friend back, but I knew I would never fully trust her again.

As I thought about this, I recalled her once telling me why she continued to be friends with a girl who was horribly self-centered and treated others as objects. She told me, “I feel sorry for her”. That statement has long stayed with me, but I never knew why.

Then I wondered, perhaps she was friends with me because she felt sorry for me? I was always very blunt and opinionated growing up. I did not like it when people blindly followed others and felt I had to point out to them the fault in that. It often isolated me from others and by high school I had no true friends of my own.

Perhaps she felt she could help me, too? She often described herself as a “giver” and one time told me that she attracted “takers” into her life. I, of course, assumed I must be a “taker” since we were friends. All of a sudden, I recognized this to be totally untrue about myself. I gave so much to her. I loved her like family and would have done anything for her. The fact is, that she was as much a taker as a giver and that, at some point, I did not give her enough to satisfy her.

I became suddenly very angry at her. I began to cuss her out in my mind and eventually the emotional hurt dissipated. The anger did not last, though, as I remembered that we were both playing our pre-determined roles. I distanced myself from that role and looked upon our friendship as an observer would. A peace fell over me as I successfully disconnected from the memory.

I saw why I was the way I was in high school. I recognized that I am still much like that young girl. I still separate myself from groups. I still bluntly point out or criticize others who do not fit my own ideals. I continue to not have many friends. I continue to travel my own path, often very alone and isolated from others. I seem to just not fit in and the more that this occurs, the more I resent those who do. This further isolates me from others as it keeps me from finding any connections with them. I always assume they will not like me, so they don’t. I justify my continued self-imposed isolation by pointing out the failures and shortfalls of others. This cycle is a continued cycle of self-suppression. I do not like it.

Then I think about my friend and how her chosen role was “giver”. She sought to help others who she perceived needed her help. At the time, I was “loner” yet I wanted desperately to not be, so I opted to try on the role of “follower” while also retaining my “loner” facade. We fit each others purpose, so we became friends. I followed her and did so quite well, becoming completely blind to many things about her. She fed my ego in many ways, as I did hers. She allowed me to continue to be the “loner”, sharing it with me, or so that is what I allowed myself to see. In reality, she was my friend but she had many other friends who merely tolerated my presence because of her. I wonder how many people asked her, “Why are you friends with her?” I know she told me she was once asked that about me. I wonder if she told them, “Because I feel sorry for her”? I suspect she did respond this way, as most of her friends tolerated my presence until she opted to unfriend me during our senior year.

In recalling all this, I became angry at myself for not being true to who I was. I recognized the fear that held me captive. To confront my only friend would surely alienate me from her forever. It far was easier to forgive her than to confront everything I can see so clearly now. I imagined telling her off. I imagined how life would have been had I not allowed myself to be treated that way. And I recognized how much I needed her. I do not think I would have survived my high school experience without her assistance, even though I was blind throughout much of it. I needed to be ignorant of the truth. I could not have handled it and may have spiraled into a very deep depression.

Then I thought about her life since we graduated high school. How she chose the path of drug use and wanton sex with strangers. How she ended up married to an alcoholic and porn addict. How she felt forced into having an abortion because he didn’t want a baby and she couldn’t confront the idea of bringing a baby into a world without a father. How she cheated on him and then divorced him to marry the man she cheated with. Then, when she was finally happy, she got cancer and had to confront the possibility of death. For a moment I was in awe of her. I began to compare myself to her, thinking I must be a coward. Then my guide reminded me, “You have already done all of that”. I knew he was right. I just chose to do those things over entire lifetimes while she bunched them up all into one. We were different, that is all. There is nothing good or bad about the ways we chose to live. It is the choices and the lessons we learn that matter.

Life Facades

In the book I am reading there is much discussion about facades, or masks we wear in life. These are all aspects of us that, if allowed to have too much control, can run amok and cause us all kinds of problems. These facades are many, but most of us has a major one we struggle with for many lifetimes. This main facade breaks into smaller ones as we try to compensate for it when it runs amok. I was able to quickly see my role as “loner” in this life as one of these offshoot facades. I instantly recognized my attempt to compensate for my main role which had run amok on me life after life: leader.

I was able to see after that the many offshoot facades that developed as I tried to control my power monger facade. In truth, my main facade is leader, but unfortunately, the leader is not always a good one. My leader has three offshoots that I have been able to identify thus far – the teacher, the power monger and the masochist. Each of these offshoots has smaller facades that were created to help play them out. For example, the teacher facade came out in my lives as a philosopher, teacher and psychic. It is currently still trying to come through, as it will always do. In past lives I have run into the negative side of this facade, the power monger, so many times and suffered horrible results that I have sworn to never let that side of me prevail again. This has led me to explore other facades that help me suppress the power monger. The masochist is among the most explored of these facades. I have been a nun, a victim, a follower and a loner all in order to try to avoid the power monger aspect of the leader.

In taking on the many facades I have in multiple lives I have run into major fear of myself. It is sad, really, that I so fear the potential of my power monger aspect. Yet, I completely understand it. I have recalled past lives where I have allowed the power monger to wreak havoc. For example, I had a past life from another planet where I led a large group of colonists to a planet I knew was about to be destroyed. I did this to make money with full knowledge of what I was doing. I dropped off hundreds of hopeful families and left them to die, which they did, and continued on without much thought other than to the amount of profit I made. This was way before my time on Earth. Yet this facade followed me to Earth, the fear of it causing me to embrace other facades like teacher and police officer, which allowed my leader to shine without giving the power monger the fuel it needed to do harm.

As long as I can remember, I have feared my potential for destruction yet at the same time longed for positions of power and prestige. I came into this life bossing people around and taking little interest in anything but myself. As I grew older and my conscience kicked in, I began to associate this negative aspect of my personality with the hurt it caused others and myself. It is as if I remembered my past lives without knowing it. Only now, as I delve deeper into myself, do I see the true extent of the destruction I have caused along my life path. It is no surprise to me that I seek to help and bring out the positive attributes of my leader self while suppressing the power monger.

The loner aspect I currently implore, serves to disassociate me from groups which in the past have been a springboard for the power monger facade. It also helps me introvert more, therefore asking questions of myself that I need to ask in order to grow. At the same time, the teacher aspect of myself came out and, though I resisted it at first, became a positive outlet for my leader self. In addition, I opened up to my spiritual ability which enhanced my teacher self while also enticing my power monger. Thankfully, it was not my intent in this life to push the limits of my leader because I do not believe I am yet strong enough to overcome the negative aspect of it.

Edit: Happy birthday, Daddy. I’ve missed you.

by

Recognizing Myself

I slept very deeply last night but had several very vivid dreams.

Pregnant White Kitty

I entered an apartment. It was very obviously the apartment of a bachelor. I knew the man who lived there and was visiting him in secret. He had dark hair and was very laid back. He reminded me of a young Johnny Depp, so very good looking with a sexual draw about him. I do not remember all that we talked about but I recall being very concerned about the time and day and my children. I kept thinking about when I had to get them from the sitter and school and about an overnight trip I had to take on Thursday.

I left the apartment for a moment and retrieved my children. Rather than go all the way home and get them, I seemed to just go outside and there they were and then they came inside with me. When we got inside the man was gone and the apartment was quiet. I was not sure where he was and I did not know how my daughter got inside. I asked her and she said she crawled through a window. I scolded her for this, saying it was not good to break into a place, when she pointed to a wallet sitting on the counter. That immediately told me he was still present. I heard water running and saw his bedroom door was closed. He came out, dressed and clean, and smiled at us all. He seemed a bit preoccupied, though. I felt uncomfortable and knew that once I left we would not see each other again. He was sitting on the sofa and I went up to him and hugged him tightly, knowing I had had an affair with this man and was unfaithful to my husband. My stomach sunk with the realization.

My mom then came into the apartment with luggage and rolled it to a stop at my feet. She said I was all packed and ready for my trip. I looked at the tan, over sized bag on roller and then up at her. I have no memory of her face just that she was “mom”. I also knew she knew I had been cheating on my husband. She did not talk about it and seemed to accept it and was helping me go on this trip despite knowing what she knew. I took the bag and she said I needed to get ready for the trip the next day. I thought about it and knew I was going to “school” and there was a feeling with it that it was necessary.

As I prepared to leave, a woman came running into the apartment yelling my name. She told me to come outside. I went outside and stood on the top of the stairs looking down at the bushes and a bunch of people gathering. She said, “You need to help”. When I hesitated she said, “You are a midwife, aren’t you!? This is what you do!”

I looked in the bushes and saw a scared, white cat looking out at me with beady, yellowish eyes. She was being attacked by other cats and there was a lot of screeching and noise. I went down to where the cat was and a woman pushed all the other cats away and covered the white cat with a small, white box. She put a sheet of cloth over the top and peeked inside. She asked me to look and all I saw was a gaping, open wound about five inches long and full of dirt and debris. The cat hissed and growled and I pulled back. The woman said that the other cats attacked her while she was giving birth and took her first kitten. It had been born dead – its brain and heart not working. I imagined the cats fighting over and tearing apart the tiny kitten and shuddered.

At that time the cat had a contraction and I watched as her whole body clenched and blood began to ooze out of the gaping wound. It was very graphic and quite disturbing. Then the cat suddenly jumped out and escaped the security of our company and ran away. I watched the tiny cat and said, “She is so tiny! There is no way she can have kittens being that small!” The woman asked if there was anything that could be done to save the cat and kittens. I determined that it would be better to put the cat down and end her misery. The kittens were likely dead already and the cat was already near death. I remember saying, “You might as well put her down. There is nothing that can be done”.

Class in the Dark

I awoke after the dream. It was 6a.m. and it was my first waking, which is odd for me. I snuggled back into bed, thinking about my dream and thinking, “I am dying inside”. I felt alarm at the thought but pushed it aside, wanting to return to sleep quickly.

I found myself sitting at a table with a bunch of young people. They appeared to be teenagers but it was hard to tell as the lights were dimmed. I sensed I was in an auditorium or similar. A teacher was asking us to introduce ourselves to everyone by telling our purpose/main interest in life. She explained that we must use something from our mouths and I saw her pull something out of her mouth, but I do not know what it was. I was confused, thinking that I had nothing from my mouth that I could use to describe myself and my purpose to the group. I panicked as everyone began sharing. Person after person shared and as they did it got closer to my turn. All I could do was think about my recent dream and the white cat, but it didn’t come from my mouth! I thought to myself about what I would say, preparing for my turn. I would tell them about my dream and explain that dreams like this were common for me and often prepared me for my future. It did not make sense to me that sharing this would describe my purpose but I decided it would have to do. At this time I recognized that others were not sharing things via their mouths (I had thought that it meant an object from mouth). I felt some relief at this but knew what I said would be unique to the group.

As I waited my turn I looked at the table across from me. It was dark and I could barely make out the people sitting there. But something odd was in the air above their heads. Perched on seemingly invisible lines were two, perfectly tiny hummingbirds.

Birds-of-BC-No-32-Two-Rufous-Hummingbirds-Selasphorus-rufusRecognizing Myself

The dream stopped for a while and I do not recall what occurred during this time, but suddenly I was very aware of being within the scene I had just been a part of. My awareness was hovering midair and looking at auditorium seating. There were faces upon faces of people but all of the faces were dark and blurred, as if I was looking at them from some distance. In the middle of the sea of faces I saw a very handsome young man. His face was illuminated and he was seated next to a woman. I could not see her face but his light did illuminate her enough for me to know it was a woman. I took in a deep breath as I realized who this young man was. This dark haired, beautiful man with perfect features and skin, was me! I exclaimed, “That is me! I look so young! I couldn’t be more than 17!” I was with someone who was hovering next to me but I could not see him. I knew, however, that it was my guide and we were visiting a past me or perhaps a me from another existence parallel to my own current one. I felt huge accomplishment at seeing this version of me, as if I was very proud to have been this young man. He was extremely attractive, but most of all, he appeared so innocent and pure.

Considerations

When I finally awoke from all this dram activity, I felt better than I thought I would feel. All these dreams were quite upsetting, yet the feeling I had was hopeful, as if something had been resolved. Perhaps the last vivid scene did that?

The cat dream was the most concerning. First of all, it continued a theme of dreams I have been having for some time where I am cheating or have cheated on my husband. The sinking feeling in my stomach was felt in my physical body and almost woke me. The continued concern about my children and their schedule seemed to be my conscious self breaking through into the dream. The symbolism of going on a trip is that new aspects of one’s self are being explored. The fact that this trip is to a school suggests that the trip will be full of lessons.

The white cat symbolizes difficulties in life. Since it is dying, it could be that I am about to surpass these difficulties. The fact that I determined its fate suggests that I made a decision of some sort about these difficulties. The kittens could be representative of multiple difficulties stemming from the main one, the mother. The fact that they are dead or are assumed already dead suggests that these potential difficulties are being avoided by my actions. So, even though the entire scene was horrifying, the symbolism behind it suggest progress is being made.

The dream of being in class was perhaps the most profound of the dreams because I was so caught up in trying to determine my purpose and worried that others would reject it because it was so different from the norm. All I could think about was the dream of the white cat. I was also consumed with trying to figure out how to pull something solid from my mouth. I believe this was actually me trying to integrate the idea that words have strong manifestation power. When I finally accepted that I would use the story and explain it, I saw two hummingbirds perched in the dark and out of place. Hummingbirds symbolize the huge potential and power of seemingly small ideas and concepts.

The last dream seemed more like a vision than a dream. It was so different than the other dreams and had such a powerful impact upon me. I was certain that the young man was me and happy about it as well. Was this a past, present or future me? I do not know. I wish that I knew the story behind it. I recall feeling as if this me was connected to a life where infidelity was a huge problem.

by

Chicken

I have been reading a book called The Other Side of God: The Eleven Gem Odyssey of Being by Susan Kailor. I have struggling to read it for some reason and though I do feel more optimistic after reading a chapter, I never really want to read another one. Perhaps there is something I am reading I do not like?

I know lately I have not liked the idea of forever; being a infinite being with infinite possibilities. I have never really liked the idea. There is too much unknown about it. I have no idea what one would do for forever. All I know is what I have remembered and that is that I have lived life after life, seemingly trapped in Earth and other world experiences. Although I have remembered some of my between life experiences, it is so limited and seems to support the idea that each of us ends up repeating the cycle of life over and over again. I am told by my guides that I do this “to learn” but something about that answer does not sit well with me. What if I am tired of learning? What if I don’t want to be infinite or forever? What do I do if I want the endless cycle of life to stop? What if I completely refuse to come back after this life – what would they do? Drag me kicking and screaming to my next body?

From what I have read, there is no forcing anyone into a body or a lifetime of bodies. This is done by choice. And from recent books I have read, I am beginning to think that the reason we go back into life is more of a feeling of being incomplete. We are “incomplete” because we chose to forget in order to experience ourselves through a specific experience or experiences. The current book I am reading supports this notion also while at the same time implying that we can change this process simply by dropping the current “masks” we wear that support a “theme” we have carried with us lifetime after lifetime. Freedom also comes by throwing off the illusion of right or wrong. This I have already recognized as truth, but have not fully integrated.

All of this is overwhelming. I am just now realizing that I am feeling overwhelmed, though. I did not recognize this on Monday when I first got the idea that I do not want the experiences I have been having anymore. I also thought that I do not want to post any of my OBEs, dreams or such on FB or in my FB groups. In fact, I feel like just ignoring FB altogether for a while. I found myself feeling like an outcast in the groups I am a part of. I feel so different and so invalidated by the fact that I am so different. I just don’t think anyone anywhere understands me and it upsets me that I cannot communicate what is going on within me to anyone, even myself. There is such a strong disconnect between my Earth Self and my Higher Self right now and I sense that even more than ever. It is as if my Earth Self is so afraid to expand that she is shrinking back from her Higher Self. If this continues, then I know that the cycle I want so badly to free myself from, will continue. As this feeling increases, I want even more badly to hide and withdraw.

Chicken

All these realization came out in my dreams last night. I had one vivid dream where I was visiting my Mom and found her inside a chicken pen inside a bathtub. She had diverted all the water to her bath and was happily lounging in the tub. I do not recall seeing her, just knowing she was there in the tub. I spoke with her briefly about her chickens. I saw them outside the fence, trapped, and not able to get back inside. She flipped a switch and water was released to the chickens who happily drank from it, leaving their pacing at the fence.

I then noticed there were chicken eggs all around the chicken coup. There was also a small brown hen trying to gather up the eggs under her but unable to do so. I mentioned this to my mom and went about picking up the eggs. I began to worry they had gone bad, though, or at the very least had been partially incubated. So I threw one egg on the ground to check it. The yolk was gray and I sensed it was rotten. Usually the chickens eat a broken egg, but the chickens ignored it. I looked closer and saw that it had indeed been partially incubated. I could see the tiny embryo and the blood vessels to it.

chicken eggInterpretation and Symbolism

To see a chicken in a dream suggests cowardliness and/or a lack of willpower. It can represent being a “chicken” or chickening out of a situation. Considering my feelings about life lately, this makes perfect since. I so want to give up and retreat!

The eggs in my dream suggest that I am contemplating a situation in which there is possibility for achievement and making progress towards my goals. Usually a nest of eggs means financial gain but I saw the eggs scattered and more lined up than in a pile. This could mean that I do not recognize the financial gain as important or am not able to see the possibility of it. I gathered the eggs, which indicates I am open to the idea of progress and want to embrace my creative potential, but cracking the egg and seeing it rotten indicates that I do not feel able or worthy. In fact, a broken egg suggests one is “walking on eggshells” or feel fragile or vulnerable. Seeing the newly formed baby chick could have been me recognizing potential for creativity and how I am feeling uncertain about my own ability and creative potential.

Then there is the fence and the chickens being trapped on the other side. This I recognized immediately as my own feelings of being “trapped”. The chickens went toward the water which could mean that I need to explore my emotions in order to escape the trapped feeling.

Grocery Store

I had another dream where I was visiting a huge grocery store similar to Sam’s Club. I had a basket but it was small and I spent the majority of the dream seeking out a larger basket, one that could carry more food and accommodate my children. I kept encountering more baskets, but they were all very small and not appropriate for my needs. I recall passing by a large, cooked pot roast and saw it cut and fall apart in front of me. It was very appealing and I wanted it. I recall thinking I would come back and get it once I got the right sized basket. The image of it was so vivid that I could almost smell it! I then walked toward the front of the store and passed by this man. He was large and burly, his face and body very hairy. I remember he was intently watching me and walked past him, ignoring him. Then I went to the front and saw an employee in red moving a bunch of carts. I thought he would have a large one, but he only showed me more of the same size carts. I inquired about the larger carts. He pointed to one for a handicapped person. I shook my head and told him it was wrong. I finally took one of the carts and left, disappointed.

Interpretation and Symbolism

A grocery store or market symbolizes a lacking or some emotional or physical need in life. The items being shopped for indicate the areas of need. In this case, I was not shopping for store items but looking for the basket. This tells me that I feel ill prepared with the current resources at my disposal (the basket). Since my basket is empty and I do not fill it, it could represent that I feel I have no resources at my disposal. I feel I need more resources (bigger basket) in order to handle the emotional and/or physical needs I have in life. Specifically, I think of having to carrying my children and this feel like a burden without a larger basket. Perhaps I need more support?

Reflection

I can’t help but think “What is the point?” It is as if I am on a path, deep in the dark woods. I can barely see ahead of me and the road splits in several directions. The signs are broken and unreadable. I don’t know which way to go. In fact, I have forgotten altogether where I am going. So, I sit down and stare ahead of me at the different routes. I need guidance but there is no one there. I need a friend, but I have none. I probably should just pick a road, because part of me tells me they all lead to the same place, but I am tired of this journey. I silently pray that an aircraft comes to pick me up and take me away.

My dreams reflect perfectly how I was feeling last night. I almost felt on the verge of insanity, but I had no idea why. I even asked my guide if I were going crazy and he laughed and said, “No, not this life”. Then I began thinking and saying to him, “I don’t want to know anymore” and felt very unsettled, as if all of this experience were too unreal and knowing it was all an illusion. I stared at things and thought, “It seems so real, but it is an illusion”. Part of me could not accept this at all. Part of me wants badly for it all to be real. Without the realness, what is there? What do I hold onto? That is the scariest thing to consider and I believe it is what is holding me back. How does one take the plunge into the unknown?

My guide is irritatingly optimistic right now. He laughs and smiles a lot. I want to swat him away like an irritating fly. I say to him, “You sure have a lot of faith in me” and he smirks saying, “You are doing well”. I suppose being pushed to my limits is a good thing in his eyes. At least I do get from him, “Be patient. Baby steps”. That tells me he understands and that my over-eagerness to overcome my own limitations is responsible for the very feelings I am having.

by

Dragonfly – May, 2014

My daughter brought home a present for me yesterday. It was a beautiful necklace with a large, silver and black dragonfly. I didn’t know it was for me. I saw it laying on the table and, being drawn to it, ooed and awed over it and put it on. She, of course, was pleased to see me so drawn to a present she brought home for me.

Dragonfly

As a totem or Spirit animal/insect, the dragonfly has many messages. Specifically the dragonfly symbolizes the following: maturity and depth of character, power and poise, defeat of illusions that are self-created, living in present time and focus upon the moment, and the ability to see beyond this mundane existence into the possibilities of the universe and our own power as spiritual beings.

When a dragonfly comes into your life he often brings with him change in one form or the other. This change often develops from the inside when the individual recognizes the untruths about their life and decides to make changes that align with his or her own inner truth. The individual rejects the illusions they carry about life, sometimes one by one but most often all at once, in a whirlwind of determined ferocity. Because of the dragonfly’s connection to water (water is his source of food and life), there is a strong emotional component to the transformation he inspires. Often the individual has moments of intense emotional realizations followed by calm when they recognize that the change they are experiencing is natural and will lead to a more balanced and peaceful life for them. All in all, the dragonfly is a magnificent totem of transformation and change. He is not one to be afraid of but rather to be embraced.

Realizations

The dragonfly totem is very appropriate for me at this time in my life. My life is undergoing so many drastic changes right now and they will all soon be complete.

I have been struggling to keep up with my life this past week. I cannot seem to find time in my busy day! Being responsible for three children has been one of the biggest changes in my life, but there is also my hectic job and the process of house buying/selling. These along with every day minor inconveniences leaves me exhausted at the end of my day.

One of the biggest realizations that I have had recently is that I don’t like my job. It is not what I thought it would be. When I returned to work I found a pile of paperwork waiting for me and more was added every day. My time at work was and still is spent trying to get to the bottom of that pile only to find that when I do make progress, more is added.

I am not a paper pusher. I like to be up and about, to interact with others in a positive way and, most of all, help others. Yes, processing paperwork helps people, but it is not fulfilling to me. I sit at the computer so long that I feel molded to the chair. What is even more frustrating is that I do not know how to do most of what I am expected to do and the woman who hired me, who was suppose to help me through it, is gone.

Ultimately, my realization is that I do not want to be part of this bureaucratic mess and best of all, I don’t have to be.I thought I would be working one-on-one with people, listening to them, helping them sort through their life and problems. I am not doing that and it is taking its toll. Emotionally I am a mess. I have broken down in tears twice now from the strain of it. I have wanted to just walk out every day. If I stay in this state for too long it will soon affect my health. Thankfully I plan to leave as soon as our loan is finalized.

Fed Up!

I must admit, having another baby has changed me. It is change that strikes at the very core of my being. Mid-life crisis? Maybe, but not in a bad way. Mid-life renewal more like it. I am FED UP. Fed up with doing things that I am “suppose” to do per society and family upbringing. Be good. Work a stable job. Pay your bills. Never take risks. Don’t show emotion. Oh and there are tons more I am not even listing.

Eventually a person cracks under the weight of it all. I have been taking on responsibilities I didn’t want to take on. One by one they strangled the life out of me. I didn’t want them but I kept them. Why? I thought I had to because that is what I was taught.

Funny enough I am listening to the song Let it Go from the Disney movie Frozen right now. My daughter is a Frozen addict. lol But, if you have seen the movie the lesson is a very good one. The main character Elsa is told to hide her amazing gifts because they are “dangerous”. She hides them and herself, denying who she really is. Eventually she explodes. Who wouldn’t? That is how I feel, like I have suppressed my true self for so long and am finally exploding. I am lucky that I have the support of my family to help me channel the fear and anxiety that often comes with change.

dragonflyPriorities

The internal changes that are transforming me involve quite a bit of introspection, but then again, I have always been one to take apart my life and my thoughts as I try to understand this life and myself better. In times like these it is important to recognize your priorities. For me, it is my family that takes priority. My children, their happiness and health and my relationship with them is above all else the most important thing to me. I have justified working long hours at jobs I hate because it provided me with money, and thus the security of my family. But security is not money. My children will not remember how many toys and things they had as children. They will remember the love they received and the fun times they spent with their parents. Their security stems from knowing that they are loved and that they have a mother and father who will be there for them when they are needed. That is what I remember from my childhood. So working a negative job that makes me miserable just to make “good money” so my kids can have lots of “stuff” doesn’t make sense at all.

Second on my list is my health but this is no simple priority. One’s health is more than just physical, it is emotional, spiritual and mental as well. And to maintain health on all those levels cannot be done by popping a pill or jumping on the treadmill. You have to work at it, daily. For me, physical health is the easy part. When my body is in good shape it is easier for my mind to be in good shape. The hard part for me is keeping my emotions in balance and that, of course, is linked directly to my mental and spiritual well-being. Lately my emotions have been more difficult to suppress and always this upheaval directly affects my spiritual well-being. I believe that if I rid myself of those things in my life which do not support my truth that my spiritual and emotional well-being will heighten.

by

Roberto and Tina

I awoke in the morning feeling very cold. I turned over to lay on my back and had a strong thought: “Get the blanket”. With the thought came a visual of the baby blanket laying in the crib nearby. In the vision I got the blanket and put it over myself for more warmth. It was so cold I thought back, “It’s too cold” and snuggled up under the covers. The thought kept coming, “Get it”. After a few times, I finally gave in to it and retrieved the blanket and put it over me. I fell back to sleep very quickly after that.

Lucid Dream

I soon found myself in my mother’s house, a familiar astral environment of mine. I was not fully aware, but I was somewhat lucid in that I recognized I should not be there and something was not quite right. My mind was a buzz with thought; conversations with myself dominating. I was upset about the book I just finished reading: Doing Time on Earth by Catherine Berger. Specifically, I was upset about the parts of the book where she remembers being on the Other Side. What bothered me most was that she felt no emotional connection to her sister when they met in the afterlife. She had loved her very much in life but was practically repelled by her sister in the afterlife and tried to avoid her. I also was upset by the fact that she allowed her Higher Self to do all the next life planning. She almost seemed completely naive and happily ignorant of anything more than her self-created illusion of Heaven. These two aspects of Berger’s description of the Other Side had gone with me into my sleep and I was certain that I was likely just as naive and ignorant as Berger was between lives. I compared myself and what I have remembered of my past lives to her accounts and found myself horribly lacking. It upset me because I had begun to think myself more advanced than most people. I know this is an Ego issue more than anything but at the time of the dream I was not considering that Ego was even a part of how I was feeling. It just seemed pointless to struggle through life after life, slowly and painfully making “progress”. It was unfair!

As I was thinking of these things, I was acting out a dream with other players. They were familiar to me but not people I know in this life. I spent a lot of time in the living room and the bedroom. In the living area I spoke with a man who was very attractive and I felt drawn to him. I thought of him as my step-brother. He was discussing a “plan” and I wanted to be a part of it. In the dream it was about bodybuilding but the objects I was seeing looked more like 3D computer code, cut out in various colors and set upon a board. I recall feeling a bit split during the dream. There was the me that was dreaming and the me that was talking to herself, mulling over her considerations about life after death.

At one point, I entered the bathroom to put in my contact lenses. I had a plan: I was going to get the attention of the man but I needed to get ready and put in my contacts. The bathroom was a mess. It looked like someone had emptied out all the lower cabinets. One side was full of makeup and I remember thinking it was my younger sister’s stuff. I looked through it curiously and then lost interest. The other side was full of toys – action figures and magnetic toys that a young boy would play with. I looked for my contact lens case within the mess of toys and found it. I opened one side and smoothly extracted the lens and popped it into my eye. I could see clearer in that eye and, satisfied, went to put in the other lens. When I opened that side of the case, the left side, I found a large, tan, gauze bandage. It was perfectly square. I brought it up to my eye before I noticed what it was and stopped and looked at it. “I can’t put this in my eye! Someone has taken my contact lens!”, I thought to myself. I immediately thought it must have been my younger brother.

The dream seemed to become hazy and shifty at this point and I found myself going across the road to my neighbor’s house. I was uncertain why I was there at first. I saw a African America woman walking in her garage. The garage door was open and she was inspecting a large, black piece of machinery. I approached her saying to her, “You’re my neighbor!” I looked closely at her, noting her short stature, short, relaxed, black hair and smooth skin. I knew she was about 50ish and I remembered seeing her and her husband in their garage often. I had waved at her just a couple of days ago. She looked at me and smiled. “Yes! Hello!” then thought for a moment and said, “Are you interested in buying our treadmill? We are about the same age and I think you would like it”. I looked at it and noted it was a Nordic Track. It was in good condition. I also thought it odd that she thought we were the same age.

The lady went over to another black metal piece and said, “This is part of it. It makes it incline”. I told her, “Yes. It is a good treadmill. I have heard good things about Nordic Track”. She showed me how the incline worked saying, “If you want it, you should get it now. Some people are coming to look at it soon.” I said, “I would buy it if I didn’t already have one. Mine is a ProForm and over 10 years old but works really good”. I then looked down at the floor of the garage and saw that it was covered in wood, laminate flooring. I remarked about this, thinking it odd and out of place, but the lady did not respond.

This conversation was very real to me and I felt very much like I had somehow walked over to this woman’s house but could not remember how I got there. It was also daytime and the weather was nice with a bright, almost cloudless sky. The scene seemed off to me and something about it told me I was dreaming. What was weird is that the conversation I had with this neighbor was all very easy to recall and the information, at least mine, was accurate. Also, my neighbor really did look like this lady and I now wonder if she is really selling a treadmill.

It was at this point that I began to gain lucidity. It was gradual but as I left my neighbor’s house I went back towards my own house and then popped quickly into a house I was not familiar with. I decided to fly and immediately found myself flying and very much enjoying the feeling. The house I was in was large and Spanish looking. I saw a woman and two girls in the kitchen. They were very obviously of Spanish origin. I remember thinking, “Why is everyone Hispanic?” I flew through the living area which had a very golden light to it. It had ornate wooden trim and very nice furnishings. Whoever lived here was well off.

I flew under the arches of the kitchen and the two girls saw me. They appeared to be twins, both wearing white smocks. The mother had her back to me.

I left them in the kitchen, fully knowing I was dreaming and happily exploring the area. I had an inkling I was not myself so looked for a mirror. I wanted to see who I was.

I located an ornate mirror with gold embellishments. I went up to it and instantly saw myself. I was much shorter than I thought myself to be and as I looked at my face, it shifted and turned a more tan color than is my original coloring. My hair was golden and cut short like it is in waking life but it also shifted and turned a darker shade, though remained golden. I tried to focus on the face but it kept shifting. I then smiled and said, “I am Tina!”

I turned, suddenly filled with elation at knowing who I was and where I was. I had transported to another life and I was happy to explore and reunite with my family.

I flew outside to a courtyard and saw many people milling about. It was a bright and sunny day and the scene reminded me of something out of a Spanish or Mexican painting with all kinds of oranges and browns mixed with bright reds and yellows. The Mexican feel was strong and as I saw it I grew ever more pleased. I flew high up in the air and looked down. I swear I yelled down at the people but I don’t know what I said. They looked up at me, smiling. There were at least 10 or 12 or them, maybe more. All dressed in Mexican clothing that was woven with bright colors.

I asked the crowd, “Where’s my brother?” A woman pointed toward a corner section. I wanted to see him and so headed that direction. When I got to him, he appeared to be in bed, covered with blankets and sleeping. I don’t know why I didn’t see that a bed in the middle of a courtyard was out of place. I didn’t seem to care. I was more interested in finding this man. He peeked his face out of the blankets and when I saw him I was filled with glee. I went towards him and my vision blacked out.

OBE: Roberto and Tina

I felt the familiar energy of being OOB and knew I was near my physical body. I set the intention to return and did almost immediately.

I found myself back inside the Spanish style house. I flew into the kitchen and accidentally bumped into a mother and child who were drying dishes. They exclaimed when I did and I quickly apologized. I remember being surprised that they responded to me and could see me.

I went into a bedroom and there were two girls watching TV covered up in white bedding. These were the same two girls I saw previously wearing white smocks. I knew they were my sisters. I asked, “Where is Roberto?” They pointed to another bed in the corner.

I went up to the bed and saw a man was laying in it. I knew this was my brother and I knew we were in love. I was happy and knew I wanted to be with him. I said, “Roberto!” and he popped his head out of the covers and smiled at me.

Roberto was light skinned with very black hair. It was shoulder length and thick. He smiled when he saw me and I took his hand. He floated out of the bed and I let him grab onto me from behind, piggy back style. I was aware that his thighs were uncovered and very smooth and feminine looking. My intent was to make love to him. I hadn’t seen him in a long time! There was a part of me thinking, “He’s my brother. That is wrong” but another part was thinking, “It doesn’t matter!”

Roberto was happy to see me and I knew we had a history together. I remember thinking to myself, “I need to remember this. I need to remember his name and my name”. So I thought about the names, spelling them in my head multiple times. I also knew I was saying my name wrong. I was saying “Tina” like in America but it was suppose to have a “ny” sound. I said it to myself that way and laughed. It was nice to be reunited with him!

In the kitchen I put him down and turned toward him. He was unclothed and appeared very feminine looking, but I did not care. I fell into him and we began to make love on the table. What is odd is that while this was happening, I felt myself on the other side of the room, talking to him and watching as we made love. I then saw that I was cuddling a small, hairless kitten or cat and talking with Roberto, not making love to him. Yet I could feel my root chakra very activated. It was like I was in two places and really weird. It all felt very scandalous but something in me knew it didn’t matter what we did – it was all an illusion anyway.

I came back to my body then and felt very relaxed and calm. Yet I was also very unhappy, still thinking about the book and the author’s experience of the Other Side. Again I began to consider how very pointless all the relationships I had in this life would appear once I died. It bothered me that I could end up not feeling the same for them once I left this body. I concluded that I had returned to a past life situation and played out something that normally would have been “wrong” and “taboo”. I did so without guilt because I knew the taboo was an illusion and the wrongness of it was relative.

Factors Influencing Projection

I decided I am going to start recording certain information along with my OBEs and lucid dreams so that I can determine if there are any factors that may be affecting my projections.

Time of going to bed: 10pm
Time of waking up: 6:30am

Meditation: none.
Physical Exercise: none.
Mood: disinterested, depressed
Body: normal, no pain
Level of tiredness: moderate
Number of night wakings: 2

Projection techniques used: none

Sleeping position(s): on side, on back (projected when laying on my back)

Food and drink (not norml): ate out for lunch – Fish Tacos.
Dietary supplements taken (if any): Natural Calm, Sleepy Time Extra Tea, Benadryl 25mg, Calcium 500mg, Vitamin D 1000mg, Vitex 150mg, DonQuai 150mg

Lucidity on a scale of 1-10 (1 being lowest level and 10 being hyper lucid awareness (more real than real)): 7

 

by

Ego Child

This morning my husband told me that he has been having waves of depression hit him out of the blue at odd times of the day. He said he had one hit him in the middle of the night and that the feeling is so horribly heavy that he struggles to not be overcome by it. He then attributed the strange mood swings to his sugar intake. I stopped him there and told him it is unlikely that sugar is the cause of these intense, unusual bouts of unexplainable depression. I asked him if he had considered that it was happening to everyone and widespread all over the world. He said, “You mean it is coming from the 4th dynamic? I hadn’t thought of that.” Then he paused and said, “That makes a lot of sense”. (The 4th dynamic is mankind).

I then explained to him how long I had been perceiving it and how it affects everyone differently. I told him that those who have not taken responsibility for their own life and issues and cleared them out would be struggling with past life and current life issues related to themselves and their family. However, those who have cleared most of that out would then be struggling with issues related to the world and mankind. So, in essence, his depression may be that he is connecting to greater world issues rather than something within himself that needs to be cleared. Though, of course, his own issues are and those of mankind are reciprocal. They are interconnected and so his depression is likely linked to his own issues related to how he is connected and responsible for mankind’s actions.

After our conversation I began to think about my OBE with the man who I identified as my father. As I have digested the experience, I feel that the healing that occurred by my sending love to this man was more directed toward allowing this man to heal and move on. Yes, the healing was also my own but is reciprocal. He heals as much as I heal. I have had this realization before as I recognized that even though one person may feel they have recovered from a damaging relationship, they are not truly free until all participants have also healed and recovered. Since we are all One, we are all connected in every aspect of our spiritual development, positive and negative.

I am certain now that this past father figure of mine has been carrying with him the guilt and pain of his many wrongs in the life we had together. Our relationship was one that started with love and turned into confusion, pain, misunderstanding and misappropriated emotion. The love he had for me contorted and became disfigured until he could not differentiate between right and wrong and so betrayed his own morals and beliefs while alienating and losing a beloved relationship with his daughter. In his subsequent lives he has carried with him the burden from that life. Currently he may not understand why he feels and does certain things. He may be haunted by a guilt he does not understand. He may be fearful of his current relationship with his daughter(s) and not know why. The extent of his pain is not fully known to my conscious Self but I do know there was relief in his eyes and acceptance of my forgiveness of him. Perhaps this will allow him to break free of the constraints of guilt and fear that have overshadowed his present life. Perhaps in his release I will also be released and my distrust of men, father and husband alike, will begin to dissolve, revealing a truth I have yet to see.

From 12 to 10 to 4

Last night as I prepared for bed, I noticed that the room felt very empty. I felt alone. Upon further investigation, I recognized that I had lost the 10 in Spirit who have been hovering around me since a day after I first noticed there were 12. I was back down to my typical “4”, and so it felt to me as if the room had emptied. Thus, I felt strangely “alone”.

With the exit of my council and the return to “normalcy”, I wondered if the man I was going to meet was the father I met in my OBE. It definitely could be that he was. My guide would neither confirm nor deny this and so I let it be. I no longer have the energy to contemplate it. I have accepted that I will just have to “wait and see”.

Perception

I have continued to sleep deeply and last night was no exception. I woke with an odd feeling that all the negative feelings – anxiety, worry, unhappiness – in my life was “someone else’s fault”. The feeling was very wrong to me and I did not like it. There was also an element of “unfairness” that lingered. Why was it that some people always seem happy while I do not? I recognized that a part of me felt that happiness was deserved and so if someone had happiness who did not “deserve” it, then an injustice had been done. The resentment I felt form this caused me to become unhappy, as if trying to compensate for the wrongness of the situation.

I did not contemplate this for long, but attributed it to the odd dreams I had about my family relationships, specifically my relationship with my sister. I now recognize that these dreams are the “work” that I am doing at a higher level and eventually the rewards of that work will trickle down and integrate with my present Earth consciousness. It does me little good at this stage to over analyze my dreams and OBEs. To do so would be like forcing a square peg into a round hole. If I my Earth consciousness cannot yet assimilate such information, what good does it do to try to force it? The end result is more of the same – loss after loss, disappointment after disappointment. I must have faith that the “me” at higher levels is advancing and that when the time is right and my Earth consciousness is prepped, prepared and attuned to the process, everything will settle and integrate. In the end, there will be a wholeness, though it may be barely perceivable at first.

The Ego Child

As I began to understand the integration process, I became completely disinterested in the things which I have been interested in of late. Specifically, sharing my OBEs and considerations with others. I do this for many reasons, one of which is to have my experiences validated by others. Although I do not want to admit, I seek agreement from others that my experiences are “real”. A part of me also wants to brag about them and has a strong desire to be praised by others for my “uniqueness”. I often have struggled with this part of myself. The Ego often wishes to be praised and seeks attention for being unique and “special”. My guide is understanding of this, however, and reminds me that it is “normal” and not to rejectthe feeling but instead accept it, taking care to balance it with understanding, love and patience. He explains to me that the Ego is to be treated like a child. It should be nurtured and loved. It has to learn much like a child does and it is my job (the Higher Self) to teach it by allowing it to stumble and fall as much as is needed in order for it to learn, all along offering support, unconditional love, and encouragement in whatever way is best received by the Ego child.

It is at this juncture that I recognize the purposefulness in my accepting the role of the Ego child via life in a body. It is possible to me now that I am indeed split into different parts, each with varying levels of consciousness. I am choosing now to be the Earth consciousness. I do this via the human body and experience things “anew” with a strong need to individuate myself from the whole. I seek to experience life via my own lens. This lens is colored with experience. All the while, there is a “me” I am not aware of that is watching, teaching and guiding the other “me” along their individual path. I am also aware that there are likely others of “me” as well. It also is very clear to me that this identification with the Earth consciousness via my Ego child in this body is a distinct choice every part of “me” made, as a whole. Once I am done with this human experience I will return and all aspects of “me” will be united as one again. And “we” will likely again choose the human experience as one of the many experiences available and the process will be repeated.

There is then the question of why I gave myself access to “myself” while in this life. I know this is not the first time I have done this, but it seems to me as if I am “cheating”. I am told this was purposeful and the plan is to continue this patterns until the Ego child is fully integrated. Once that occurs, the Earth consciousness via the Ego child will be transformed. It is not clear what comes next, but it is certain it will not be a path like any I have tread before.

by

See No Evil

I was awakened to shrill screaming. After tending to my baby and unfortunately arguing with my husband about the “cry-it-out-method” which I believe is horribly mean at such a young age, I got back into bed. I was unsettled and angry for a bit and certain I would not fall asleep. Fortunately, I did.

White SUV

I found myself in a dream with my husband. We were both getting part-time jobs at a taco joint. I was doing it because I felt I had no choice. I don’t know why he was doing it.

My husband was training and I went to help the others get the food ready for the day. I remember thinking about how I did not want to return to such a job as memories of my past part-time employment at various food establishments resurfaced. It did not disgust me but I was completely disinterested.

I went outside and found myself in front of my old middle school. It was pick-up time and there were cars everywhere. I went to my SUV and moved it, parking it farther from the school, then called my husband to tell him where I was. I got inside and someone had sprayed water all over it and short circuited the Bluetooth. I got upset and drove to a new parking place, but parked crooked. The people in the next parking space began to speak harshly to me about how I parked, demanding I move my SUV. I was not nice back and noticed they were Iranian or something and remember thinking how out of place that was.

I moved my SUV by actually pushing it with my body. I turned to yell at them, telling them I could not park right because I was avoiding hitting people. They yelled back and pointed. I turned and saw my SUV had rolled into a utility poll and was damaged. I laughed at it, completely unconcerned. I also saw that it was a vibrant white, which is not the real color of my SUV.

Baby Boy

Seeing my SUV the wrong color must have caused my awareness to peak and I found myself experiencing the sensation of exiting my body. The room I came into was dark and I immediately noticed it. The first thing I did was launch myself into the air and yell out, “I want to see light!” As I did this, I remembered I should sing, so I started singing the phrase as I flew.

I soared up higher and higher and began to notice my surroundings. I do not remember it becoming “light” but I could see clearly, though not as vividly as I would have liked. I was in a house and it had high ceilings. I was on the second floor and flying through towards a room. I went inside and saw an oval bathtub full of bubbly water and toys. I do recall this room was brighter than the other one with a golden hue. I came closer to the tub and began thinking of my baby and knew/thought, “Thinking of him will bring me joy and make the light come”. As I thought this, I looked down and saw him in the water, smiling and floating sideways. I leaned in and picked him up, watching the water go over his face and saying/thinking, “You are okay”. There was a complete understanding that he did not want to drown, so he wouldn’t. I picked him up and held him close, enjoying the moment. I clearly remember seeing him smiling and reliving the feeling of closeness and motherhood.

Control is an Illusion

I felt myself floating back over my body. I settled in the familiar energy and then willed myself back. I wanted to return and see what was next.

I soon opened my eyes back in the house. I was on the second floor and vision was not an issue, though the lights still seemed low and my vision not as clear as I would like. I went to a half wall that overlooked the first floor and looked over. I climbed on top and stared down. Suddenly I was filled with apprehension that came with considering jumping over the edge. I then looked to my right and saw both my boys next to the half wall. I grabbed my baby’s hand and said to him, “Jump! You won’t fall!” and took the plunge. I plummeted towards the floor, briefly worrying I had been wrong, but I stopped short of the bottom and lightly bounced upward as if I had hit a trampoline.

At this point it was as if the projection/experience stopped completely or at least paused. I heard the voice of my guide to my left and behind me. I could not see him and his voice was like my own thought, but separate. I had been thinking about how I worried I would lose my children; how they could die so easily if I did not protect them. I was afraid for them and concerned. His thought to me was, “That is what makes his life exciting”. With these words came a complete understanding that my control over his life, over his safety, health and happiness, was a complete illusion. His life was his and mine was mine. I had no control over whether he lived or died. That control was totally his.This realization did not upset me in the least, instead I accepted it joyfully and I felt an energy within me release. If I had seen it, it would have been an explosion from my solar plexus.

I felt very accomplished, as if I had overcome a huge challenge. Feeling overjoyed, I flew up to the second wall, grabbing my oldest child’s hand and taking him with me.

We soared upward and my vision blacked out.

I Love You

I returned to my body, hovering there briefly. My hand was numb, so I had to move it, breaking the energy flow briefly. I did not worry that I could not return. Instead, I mulled over what had happened in my two OBEs, recognizing lessons were being learned and that it was purposeful. I was in “class”, but not like ever before.

I closed my eyes and went OOB without even thinking about it.

When I opened my eyes I was again on the second floor of the house (I think), but in front of me was a man. He was standing quite a distance away and seemed to be asleep with his eyes open, like I often see people I encounter in astral. He had dark brown hair that was short and thinning and round features. He looked vaguely familiar, but I could not place him. Though I do not remember having consciously intended anything, I knew immediately my intent towards this man. I even knew he was my father and knew his name, though it evades me now. I walked towards him with such courage, but my heart was suddenly overwrought with emotion, rejection, and pain, as if this man had done me great harm in life. I put out my hand, knowing I needed to love him and to accept that I did love him. It was the hardest thing I have ever done to hold my hand out towards him, palm facing him with the intent to heal. In my memory of it, it is painfully slow and torturous, the emotion so strong and painful that I began to well up with emotion, my heart center burning inside my chest.

When I got to him, I placed my hand right over his heart and tried with great difficulty to speak. I finally pushed the words out and said, “I love you”. When I said the words, the energy in my heart was exploding, it was not pleasant, but it was not painful either. It was just releasing old, stale, negative emotion. I felt the love energy rush through my arm and into my hand, right into the man’s heart. When this happened he suddenly became aware and looked directly at me. He seemed to recognize me and smiled a smile that said, “Thank you, I know this is hard for you”. In his smile I also knew he had wanted this to happen between us. I was close and he wrapped me in his arms and I fell into him, hugging him tightly.

God_Consciousness_1024See No Evil and God Consciousness

I came back to my body with the feeling of still hugging this man, this father figure. My hand was numb again and I moved it. At the same time realized something major had just happened. I had a breakthrough. I sorted through my memories but could not place the man, this father of mine from a past life. I stopped on one memory that I thought could potentially be him. When I did, I began to cry. If this was that father, then indeed there was much pain and betrayal involved.

I did not want to wake up and found myself in that in-between state for some time. During this time, my guide was talking with me, discussing what had happened. I saw many images but one stood out to me. It was a book that had the words “See no evil” written on the front along with a picture of a statue holding its hands over its eyes. On the side of the book, along the bound edge, were the words, “God Consciousness”.

I woke out of my reverie in shock, completely understanding what the “see no evil” meant. I then questioned the title on the bound edge. “What is God consciousness?” I asked. I got no answer but soon fell back into my in-between state, watching images float through my vision and hearing my guide speak, explaining what was going on and where I was going.

I don’t remember his exact words but I do know that I am using my astral reality to confront my demons. Some of these memories are so horrid that my conscious self has not been able to confront them fully. Yet, somehow another part of me is. These realities are my classroom, a controlled environment where I can safely analyze myself, my beliefs and my cycles with the assistance of my guides. It is purposeful and safe and much less likely to upset my waking life.

When I think back to the man I confronted, I truly believe he was not created by me but actually present. Perhaps he is living life now and was dreaming when I put my hand on his heart. Whatever the case, he recognized the healing and accepted it. I hope, wherever he is and whatever he is doing, he wakes up more at peace than he did when he went to sleep.