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Meditations

I recently perused some of my old channelings and found some meditations I thought I would share with you all. Enjoy!

For those of you who are working on increasing your psychic awareness, I have an exercise that may be of use to you. I have been given an urge to write about this exercise at the suggestion of my guide, Steven. Even if you feel secure in your psychic abilities, this exercise can help with healing and strengthening of your soul energy so that you can better utilize your energy in whatever work you do.

Psychic Growth and Perception Exercise

This is a meditation that will help you to better understand and utilize your psychic abilities. The point of this exercise is to 1. Get you in touch with your spiritual assistants. 2. Help you to differentiate between your conscious and subconscious mind. 3. Help you to differentiate between different sensations that run through the physical body during contact with your spiritual assistants. 4. Open your third eye and make use of it through practice and patience.

Sit up straight with your legs firmly planted on the floor and uncrossed (this time you need to sit up). Ask out loud for your spirit guides to assist you in this exercise for they are important assistants in this exercise. Close your eyes and breathe in and out very slow and deeply as you relax your body. With each breath out you will feel your body become more and more relaxed.

 When you feel relaxed and you feel less resistance in the muscles in your body, ask your guides, again out loud, to help you to clear your conscious mind of all thoughts. Say: “I ask all the assistants who are gathered around me in spirit to help me to clear my conscious mind of all thoughts.” After you say this, take a deep breathe in and consciously give your guides access to your thoughts. You can do this simply by stating in your mind “I grant my guides and assistants access to all my conscious thoughts”. In saying this simple statement, your conscious mind will be more willing to release some control to your guides.

Tell yourself over and over again, “I release myself from the control of my conscious mind and give my assistants in spirit access and control of my conscious mind.” In saying this, you subtly train your mind to accept messages from your guides and assistants with less and less interference, in other words, you give up some of your control.

Repeat the phrase as many times as you need to. The more you say it, the more confident you will be in the fact that the messages you receive from spirit are not influenced by your conscious mind. I recommend saying this phrase at least five to ten times in this session and five times a day throughout your regular day.

Continue to sit quietly after you have said the phrase. Have faith in the assistance you are being given and work with your guides to quiet your mind.

Now for the fun part – I want you to keep your eyes closed and look straight ahead, as if you are looking through your eyelids. Continue to keep your mind silent as you do this.

Keep looking straight through your eyelids and try to keep your eyes steady. Look to a point in the center of your line of sight. Focus on the point. You will see a vague form taking shape in the distance. This is the point of your focus.

Again, ask your guides to assist you in your belief of what you are seeing and ask them to help you to understand the images you see.

Continue to focus on the point. As you do this, listen and stay calm. Messages will begin to come into your conscious mind. You may see them, hear them, feel them, or sense them in some other way. If you feel that you are controlling these messages, again repeat, “I release myself from the control of my conscious mind and give my assistants in spirit access and control of my conscious mind.”

You may find yourself going into a type of “dream” state. This is exactly what you are looking for. If you become conscious of this state, you will come out of it and have to begin again to try and get back to this “dream” state. Don’t be discouraged. You will become more and more adept at this exercise until you will be able to stay in this state for extended amounts of time. This is what most psychics call a “semi trance state”. No matter what you call it, this state is one in which you will be most receptive to messages from your assistants.

 Remain in this “dream” state for as long as you can bear. Do not place a time limit on this exercise for it will be different for different people. This exercise will be very difficult for a group of people to do together. It is best to do this alone, in a comfortable and safe place.

Meditation and Healing

Expectation

Our perception of reality directly affects how we experience our life.  Our values, beliefs, and expectations along with every experience we have in this life, creates our perception of reality. When a person is unhappy, they often look around them and blame their unhappiness on events or situations that they believe created their unhappiness. Very rarely will a person look inside for the source of discontent.

The following meditation will help you to look within in order to discover the expectations, value, and beliefs that are impacting your perception of life in negative ways.  For those of you who are struggling to find happiness or contentment in life, this exercise will be very beneficial.

Recognizing Core Values and Beliefs

 Prior to this meditation, you will need to make a list of what you believe your core values and beliefs are in this life.  This may not be easy for some, so here are some questions you may want to ask yourself that will reveal your core values and beliefs:

  1. What are the characteristics are of an “ideal” family?
  2. What are the characteristics of an “ideal” mate?
  3. How do I expect my friends to treat me?  How do I treat my friends?
  4. What are my expectations of myself in every area of my life – family, relationships, career?
  5. What issues make me the angriest? Why?

Once you feel you have a list of your values and beliefs, ask yourself this question for every value and belief you have listed: Is this value/belief helping or hindering my state of happiness?

For those values and beliefs you have written a “yes” next to, you will need to meditate on how to change or alter it so that you can improve your life.  Take each value/belief you wish to alter and meditate on them separately until you have covered them all.

The following meditation will help you work on each value/belief which is having a negative impact on your perception of reality.  This meditation will not result in instant change because personal values/beliefs are created over many years.  Thus, the following meditation serves to focus on the subconscious core of our values/beliefs. With continued meditation and patience, everyone can significantly alter their perception of reality.

Meditation – Altering Your Expectations

 Sit upright with your feet planted firmly on the floor.  Lay your hands, palms facing up, in your lap. 

 Close your eyes. Take a few slow, deep breaths, counting to four as you breathe in and out.  Take approximately ten deep breaths, or however many you need in order to feel relaxed.

 Focus on one of the values/beliefs you wish to alter.  Don’t think about how you will do this, just focus on the value/belief.  Say the following mantra in your head (you may alter it if it does not feel right to you):  “I will not longer allow value/belief to affect me negatively. I ask for insight on how to change it.”

 Repeat the mantra as many times as you feel you need to.  Typically a mantra is repeated ten or more times.

 Spend the rest of your meditation time quieting your mind and visualizing the core value/belief you wish to rid yourself of leaving your body through your feet. 

 End the meditation when you feel ready.

Meditation and Healing

Cleansing Your Physical Aura

What is physical aura?  Most books do not differentiate between the spiritual and physical aura, but we all do indeed have an aura associated with our physical bodies.  I call this aura the “physical aura” because when I see and sense it, it is located very close to the physical body and runs through each of our major organs and body systems.

The physical aura is the vehicle in which our body rests.  It is the energy that keeps our bodies functioning at their optimum level with or without us being aware.  All the systems of our body are interconnected and so is the energy of those systems.  In turn, the spiritual aura’s energy weaves in and out of the physical aura, affecting it in subtle ways.

Most of the emphasis in spiritual healing focuses on the spiritual aura and rarely is the energy of the physical aura purposefully manipulated.  This is because most healers recognize the interconnectivity of energy between the spiritual and physical auras.  Also, most healers are acting as channels of energy that comes from the Divine, from the Source.  This energy is directed by the Source and the healer acts only as a channel, moving their hands to appropriate areas of the body as directed by the Source.

This does not mean that the physical aura is totally ignored – the Source often directs energy to the physical aura to address specific problems – only that the spiritual aura is where the problems begin.

In order to keep our physical aura functioning at an optimum level, it is important to eat right, exercise, and listen to your body.  We can also manipulate the energy of our physical bodies.

The following meditation technique can help you learn to listen to your physical body and manipulate your physical aura.

Energy Recognition and Manipulation of the Physical Aura

Relax your body and mind to a point where your breathing rate has slowed to that of entering a peaceful sleep (approximately 5-10 minutes of meditation). 

Focus on how your body feels in this relaxed state. Take the energy that is surrounding your head and mentally push it down into your chest area.  Continue to push it down until you reach your hips and legs.  When you reach your feet, allow the energy to exit through your feet.  See the energy moving from your feet, out and around your physical body and back to your head.  Pull the energy in through the top of your head and again push the energy back to your feet.

Repeat this process until you feel so relaxed that you no longer feel your arms, legs, torso, etc.  Your body instead feels like a conduit of energy.  Focus on the energy and how it resonates.  It pulses with your heart, it moves with your blood, it blends with your body in such a way that you can almost hear it speaking to you.

This is the time when you can focus on areas of your body which have been giving you trouble.  “Talk” to each of the areas of your body that have been giving you trouble.

For example, if you have a sore back, “talk” to your back. Mentally telling the area affected to “heal” will help speed the process. Tell the energy of your body to move to the area and heal the physical symptoms causing you pain. The more you focus on the area, the more energy will pool there, helping to heal and relieve discomfort. 

 

Centeredness

There is a feeling that many spiritually minded people, psychics and mediums, tend to use that can be confusing to those who are new to understanding their spirituality.  The term is “centered” or “centeredness”.

It is hard to explain to those new to spirituality how “centered” feels but I will try and explain it the best I can.

To be centered means to have your mind clear of all worry and anxiety.  It means to have your energy centers aligned so that there is balance in your energy. These two things by themselves do not mean one is centered, though.  To be centered means to have a complete body, mind, and spirit balance.  To be centered means that your thoughts and your body and your spirit are in tune, allowing you to feel confident about decisions you make and things you feel.

If you are feeling anxious or have any pain in your body that is distracting you, you are NOT centered.  If you find that you have difficulty breathing around a room of people and your thoughts are full of worry then you are NOT centered.

You are centered when you find your mind is rested, relaxed, and not focused on any one thing.  The environment in your mind would be one of contentment for no specific reason other than being alive.  You are centered when your body is at rest, relaxed.  You are centered when your soul is speaking through you in sensations and images that speak not only to your mind but to your body.

It is my experience that many who say they are “centered” are many times not. They do not bring into balance the natural rhythm of their mind, body, and spirit.  It is the intention of this next meditation to help you to find your true centeredness.

Finding Your Center

It is important that you isolate yourself from all distraction for this meditation.  If you don’t feel comfortable for any reason or your thoughts are too out of control, immediately drop this meditation and wait until a later time and date to try again.

Sit in a comfortable chair with your feet planted firmly on the floor.  Keep your head and neck supported so that there is no strain on either.  Rest your hands in your lap and close your eyes.

Focus on your breathing and take big breaths in and out.  Feel the rise and fall of your chest and let your body fully relax with each breath out.  Become aware of the energy of your body as you breathe.  Let yourself relax further and further as you breathe in and out.

Focus on the center of your body, near your stomach.  Keep taking full, deep breaths.  As you breathe in, imagine each breath depositing a bright light in the center of your body.  With every breath that energy grows and expands outward.  You feel heavy with the energy that fills you.  Keep breathing and filling your body with the light until you feel your body full of light from your feet to the top of your head.  Breathe in and out and fill your body with light.

Feel your feet and imagine them growing heavier and heavier as the light and energy continues to flow into you.  Feel the bottoms of your feet extend into the ground beneath them.  Let the light fill the earth beneath your feet.

Allow the light to extend past the top of your head upward toward the sky.  Feel the connection between your feet and your head.  Let the energy flow evenly between the two.  Continue breathing deeply, letting the light flow into your body. 

Now mentally ask your guides and angels to assist you in finding your centeredness.  Say to them “I ask my guides and angels to help me connect to my soul.  I ask that they help me to keep my thoughts clear so that I may receive messages from them”. 

Continue breathing.  Let your eyes roll back as if you were falling asleep.  Keep your focus on your breathing, on your body, and allow the quiet of your body’s natural rhythm to help you contain your thoughts.  (allow yourself about five minutes to be quiet within)

Now ask your guides to help you with a problem you are having.  You may ask anything you want.  Do not mentally look for an answer.  Put your question out to them and then fall back into the rhythm of your body.

Open your eyes when you feel ready.  Take all the time you need to find your “center” and let it help you open your mind to possibilities that you may otherwise have ignored.

Continue until you have addressed all of the areas of concern.  Request that your guides help you to see physical problems before they become too serious. Ask that you become more aware of your body.

Conclude the meditation as you wish.  Some may continue to cleanse their spiritual aura, others may just fall asleep (which is perfectly okay).

Chakra Preparation

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the chakras, or energy centers, of the human body, you should do some research on chakras.

In this exercise it is best that you lay down in a comfortable position either on the floor with a pillow propping your head up or on a comfortable surface such as a sofa or bed.

Relax your body starting with your feet and moving slowly up through the legs and hips.  Relax your abdomen, your lower and upper back, your shoulders and neck, and finally your head and face. 

When you are fully relaxed, allow yourself to flow with the energy in your body.  This typically results in a feeling of floating.  It feels to me many times like I am falling, though to some it feels like floating on a cloud.  Work with your body’s energy to achieve this feeling of floating or falling.  Do not resist the feeling, but instead go with it and let yourself continue to float or fall until you reach a level of equilibrium.  This equilibrium will feel different to each person who experiences it, but essentially it is a feeling of being at your final destination – a point where you no longer float higher or fall lower but instead your body’s energy remains balanced between the sensation of the physical and the spiritual.  When you have reached this point of equilibrium (it will take approximately 15 to 30 minutes depending on the individual), your body’s energy is stabilized and you may proceed to the chakra preparation.

At this point you will be manipulating the energy of your body.  Begin at the root chakra (located just below the pelvis region of the body, between the legs).  Imagine a circle of red light that pulsates and rotates clockwise.  If you get resistance, work at the rotation until you “feel” it rotating in the right direction.  Some people will feel a tugging sensation or a sick feeling with a chakra that is rotating in the wrong direction.  Resist the urge to force the chakra to move in the right direction, but instead will the energy of your body into the charka until it is cleared.  It will take about five minutes for a typical blocked chakra to clear.  Most will feel a tingling in the area when it clears or when the chakra is already rotating clockwise.

Continue up to the next chakra, using the color of orange (sacral, located at the belly button) this time, and repeat the process.  Then move to each subsequent chakra, using the colors yellow (solar plexus), green (heart), blue (throat), indigo (third eye), and violet (crown). 

When you have reached the crown chakra, or the top of the head, and have all chakras rotating clockwise, imagine a bright white string connecting each chakra starting with the root chakra all the way up to the crown.  When you have them all connected, see the string grow brighter and thicker until all you see is a bright white rod extending the length of your body.

 

Cleansing and Protection Exercise Using the Auric Field

First let’s cleanse the physical aura.

Focus on the bright white rod of light.  Slowly expand the white light from the center of the physical body to the edges of the physical body and vertically to the top of the head and the feet.  When you feel the white light covering all of your physical body, imagine the light pulsating from white, to pink, to green, to indigo, to white.  See the colors pulsating vertically from the crown to your feet in waves.  Slowly increase the speed of the color change until you no longer can distinguish the different colors from one another.  It will resemble a strobe light.

The cleansing of the physical aura is complete when the flashing of the light becomes so fast that it no longer looks as if it is flashing. 

To cleanse the spiritual aura, take the white light that is your physical aura and expand it outward about six feet in all directions. Expand the light as slowly or quickly as you feel is necessary.  Those of you who feel you carry a lot of excess negative energy in your aura, use this time to push the “gray” blobs of color (negative vibrations) outward as you expand the white sphere around you.  Your spiritual aura is considered cleansed when the white sphere is complete and the color white is vibrant and almost a pearled color (has a sheen on it that is almost iridescent) 

For protection from negative vibrations and negative spiritual energy, continue to imagine yourself enclosed in a white sphere that extends six feet in all directions. You can see outside of the sphere but you feel extremely safe and content inside of it, your equilibrium maintained.  If one were to look at you from a distance, you would look as if you were enclosed in a shiny, white bubble. 

Now say in your mind:  “Only my guides and angels are allowed inside this sphere of protection”.  Repeat the phrase as many times as you feel necessary.  Some of you may actually see or feel spirit in the vicinity of your sphere leaving to stand outside of it. 

This sphere of protection will stay up as long as you need it.  If you feel negative energy or vibrations affecting you, then reinforce the sphere by imagining it around you and repeating the phrase “Only my guides and angels are allowed inside this sphere of protections”.   

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I Wish I Were a Man

I had hoped that all the changes I have made in my life lately would lead me to more well-being and overall happiness. At first it did, but lately I have been struggling.

Overwhelm

I am feeling overwhelmed – again. The whole purpose of quitting my negative job and moving away from family and their dramas was to help ease the overwhelm I had been feeling. Unfortunately, even though I cut down my hours of work and have more time to spend with my children, I am still feeling overly burdened by all the responsibility my roles in life have given me. I try to prioritize so that I lighten that burden, but even dropping things I normally require of myself, I find that I am running myself ragged with the things I need to do. All along I have such intense resentment towards my husband because it seems he contributes so little to the long list of things that need to be done daily. He, of course, feels he is doing more than his share and also feels the burden of all that needs to be done.

I don’t honestly think there is a solution other than me letting things just completely go to pot or hiring a live-in nanny. The first is out of the question as I cannot stand to live in filth and disorder. To see the kitchen sink full of dishes bothers me and I end up doing them despite telling myself “Let them be”. I can’t stand our new wood floor being covered with slobber marks from our little one who crawls everywhere leaving a slobber trail behind him. I try to let it stay dirty as long as I can stand but ideally I would be cleaning it every day, sometimes more than once a day, just to keep it nice. I see every spot, every shoe or piece of clothing, every toy, every speck of dirt, every dusty shelf, every dirty dish, every drip mark on the floor, every smudge and fingerprint. Each out of place thing makes me feel uneasy and if not fixed and put in its rightful place bothers me until I end up an irritable, uneasy and very unhappy momma. And when I do finally give in and clean, my children or husband seem to immediately undo it right in front of my eyes. It becomes so exasperating that I see no point in bothering to make things nice when no one is helping me keep it that way and does not seem to even notice what I do.

The second solution is just too damn expensive. A live-in nanny would cost all of my income and more. Plus, I highly doubt just anyone would do and I can’t image they would keep my house in the shape I would like it to be – I can’t even do that! Then there is living with a stranger all the time. I think I would probably drive her out by week’s end, either that or I would leave.

I Hate Being a Woman

The obvious solution is just to let it go and live with that which I despise. My home is my pride and joy and to see it completely wrecked all the time makes me not even want to be in my home. In fact, I can’t even find one place that is not chaotic. I need a place that is not chaotic! The best I can do is shut off the lights and hide in my son’s bedroom. It is the only room in the house that is orderly enough for me to somewhat relax.

I feel that I am expected to be this perfect person, keeping it all together and looking good despite it. I swear I won’t be a woman again in my next life. I hate it. I hate the expectations that society places upon women. We are expected to be super human – working outside the home while also keeping everything in order inside the home. I am the primary childcare giver, the dinner-maker, the bill-payer, the keep-it-all-together superwoman. When the children cry, they look for me, not daddy. When they are hungry, they want mommy. Yet when mommy wants something for herself there is some kind of inborn mechanism in children that makes them instantly demand attention. On top of all this, daddy also wants all of mommy’s attention and then gets mad when mommy says “No” and runs to the other side of the house to hide, hoping for even the briefest moment of alone-time. Doesn’t he know how much of my day is spent providing for everyone else but myself? To expect I have even an ounce of anything left to give him is ridiculous! Yet he whines and acts similarly to the children. Is that inborn? Is that a typical man-thing?

On top of all this there is the way I look. I have no time to look good anymore. In fact, I chopped all my hair off last weekend because I was sick and tired of trying to straighten my thick, coarse, unruly hair. Now I can just put my hands through it but the reaction I get from my family? My daughter cried and my husband said, “You look good” with a look on his face that said the opposite. My own mother, when she saw my hair, looked at me and said, “You look like your sister”, which I immediately took as an insult and she knew I would. But now I have 10 more minutes of sleep in the morning. 10 more minutes of me time. I say it is worth it. Screw all those who think I don’t look good.

But I think the worst part of all this stress and trying to live up to unrealistic expectations is the toll it is taking on my skin. My face is breaking out again and every time I look at myself I think I look tired, unhappy and ugly. I am back on antibiotics to try and help with the acne issue but it doesn’t help the tired eyes or droopy-looking skin that seemingly appeared overnight. I am starting to wonder if I am going to have to be on antibiotics the rest of my life just to keep the stress acne at bay so that I can at least somewhat appear to be keeping it together.

And finally I have this major anxiety of becoming so overcome with all the things I have to do that I let myself go completely and turn into one of those women who has allowed herself to gain unsightly pounds and walks around like a zombie in Wal-Mart wearing no makeup, hair a mess and children crying and tugging at her clothes. I work out three days a week and eat a very clean diet just to make sure my body doesn’t go to pot. I get tons of compliments on how I look. “Wow! You have a seven-month old? You look fantastic!”, is a common reaction I get from other women. One would think this would make me feel better, but it doesn’t. If they only knew how much effort it took just to work out the three days a week I do work out in order to keep my body looking good. I sometimes wonder why I do it. What is the point? Oh yeah, that is what is expected of me – society wants me to be superwoman so I oblige. I wish I could revolt but I just can’t.

Like I said, I hate being a woman. Men have it so much better (or so it seems).

Solutions?

I am begging my guide to help me find a solution. I can’t seem to find one, though. The only solution that seems obvious is for me to pack up my bags and leave and be gone for a very long time. When I think of just letting things go or accepting one thing or the other as a solution it just doesn’t work. I try to accept it, but it isn’t fair and ultimately I end up angry or completely deflated and depressed. The letting go part doesn’t work either. The dishes don’t get done, the floor doesn’t get cleaned, the laundry doesn’t get done, nothing gets done, it just gets dirtier. One would think my husband would step up, but he doesn’t even seem to notice. Ultimately I end up having to wash dishes so we can eat or having to clean clothes so me and the children have something to wear. If I don’t pay the bills, well they don’t get paid. What then? Lose our home? Lose our car?

Just in case you are wondering how I find time to type in my blog – I have been working on this post for over an hour. I have been called away by mother duties at least 7 times. The normal call comes from my 3-year old who thinks he will die if he doesn’t get a sippy cup of juice or a snack that very instant. I dream of days when I don’t hear whiny cries the minute I wake up until the minute I go to sleep.

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OBE Questionnaire

Researchers at Nottingham Trent University are conducting research on the content of Out-of-Body Experiences (OBEs) using an online survey until 9th November 2014 (23:50 GMT). If you have had one or more OBEs follow the link below to the project webpage where the survey can be accessed, thanks –

OBE Questionnaire

Below are links to a two part interview with Andrew Hodrien about the research project. Enjoy!

Part 1

Part 2

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Horse

This morning, after waking from a dreamless sleep, I wanted desperately to go back to sleep. I tossed and turned for a while, telling my guides that I wanted to sleep more and really would like to go OOB. I got the feeling that going OOB would not happen, though, and it irritated me. I tried to reason with them, explaining that I needed a break from the everyday struggles and responsibilities of life. Ultimately, though, I knew that my requests were unlikely to be granted.

Horse

As I lay in between states, there suddenly appeared in front of my eyes a vivid image of my front yard. Standing in the driveway was a very large, brown horse. He was plain brown without any other colors or marks on him. He was beautiful standing there and very majestic. When I saw him I startled awake but the image stayed with me like a beloved photo.

I knew instantly that this was a message from my guide. I had seen a similar horse alongside a zebra in one of my recent OBEs. The horse in that experience was much smaller, though. The horse standing in my front yard was very majestic, standing proudly with a look in his eyes that said, “Come with me”.

When I was a small girl I loved horses. I use to draw them alongside their human companions. Usually I had mother horses with baby horses or mustangs running wild in the desert. I was also in love with My Little Pony and would play ponies with my older sister, imagining different scenarios or dressing them up in their pony attire. Just last weekend, in fact, my sister and I reminisced about our My Little Pony days as we sorted through boxes of the 50 or so ponies we had collected and then saved from childhood.

Now that I think of it, it is very likely that the horse is one of my animal totems. I long ago lost my love for horses and so have not really considered the horse as one of my totems but it could be that he was not needed during these times in my life. But now that he has returned I suspect he wants me to listen. The look in his eyes suggest that he is waiting for me to jump on his back and let him take me away and show me something, something new, alive and full of energy.

Life Energy

If you observe the horse, you will find that he has a wild and free energy all his own. In fact, as a totem, the horse represents life energy, physical strength, vitality, and one’s psychological or emotional ability to persevere in life. The horse represents one’s energy or drive to express and succeed through the authentic self. He can also be a reflection of how well one deals with primitive desires and urges. The horse also represents ones sexual drive and sexuality and how they view this in their life. If one dreams they are riding a horse this can symbolizes one’s drive towards sexuality. Finally, the horse represents freedom of expression; it relates to your ability to express yourself freely and assertively in inner and outer social environments and circles.

Horse’s Message to Me

After seeing the vivid image of horse standing and waiting for me in my front yard, I fell back to sleep. When I awoke I was very reluctant to get out of bed and sluggish from sleep. I felt as if I could sleep forever! Yet, I knew I had to get up and return to life as usual and this, overall, did not appeal to me.

Yet my mind continues to return to that image of horse. His eyes said so much in their stare. “Come with me” and “What are you waiting for” and even, “I dare you!” There was something in his gaze that made me hesitate; something that made me nervous. Was he dangerous? Was he friendly? Would he kick or bite me? I know that if I had been there in front of him physically that I would back off because of his large size and intimidating stance. And that makes me wonder, What is it about life that scares me? What is it that I am afraid of?

Perhaps he is symbolic of a desire to return to the way I felt about life when I was a child? I truly enjoyed life back then. I had a spirit of adventure and rarely spent time inside if I could help it. I had a vivid imagination and a strong connection to nature.

Or perhaps horse is trying to just get me to participate in life again. I admit, I have been struggling to accept and enjoy the way my life has turned out. There seems nothing of interest left; no adventure. I have done it all before a thousand times it seems and have nothing left but more of the same to look forward to. At least that is how it appears to me on most days. I just push the thoughts aside and continue on with life, but the empty feeling doesn’t ever go away. I cannot help but be overwhelmed with the things I have to do every day and it seems there is no room left for fun anymore.

I do want to accept horse’s invitation, but I don’t know how.

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The Sun is on It’s Way

The night before last, for the first time in a while I could not fall asleep. I don’t know when I finally did fall asleep, but I felt tired in the morning. As a result I was not very focused through my work day and felt as if I were floating through in a dream most of the day. By the end of the day I was feeling pretty down because I accidentally noticed that an old high school classmate who made my middle and high school years pretty miserable, had another baby. Something about seeing her happy really ate me up inside. It seemed unfair that someone so nasty, deceitful and materialistic was getting to be happy. So unfair! I know, though, had I been more rested, that it wouldn’t have matter to me a bit.

It didn’t help that my middle child, most likely struggling to adjust to a new baby brother, continues to create messes the minute my head is turned. Yesterday he chose to open up nail polish and paint the bathtub while also getting out toilet bowel cleaner and pouring it over the top of the polish. Perhaps he was trying to clean his mess? Regardless, it was just another kick when I was already down. I felt many times that I would lose my mind yesterday. I am so happy the day is past.

So last night when I settled down to bed I was beat. The energy that I have been feeling all week, depleted. I was also very down and completely unnerved by the day’s events. I just wanted to get away and hide somewhere quiet and safe. I felt again as if I could not get far enough away from my life. I remember thinking I needed a break and asking for one.

“I’m a Lesbian”

I awoke again at 6a.m. feeling much like I did when I went to bed and irritated because the house was silent which indicated to me my husband was still asleep. Not good since his job on my days off is to get everyone up and ready for the day and allow me to sleep in. After trying unsuccessfully to not think about the fact that he was asleep, I finally went down and woke him up. I returned to my bed feeling the heaviness of the burden that is my role in this family. I feel that if I were to disappear the entire household would crumble down and fall apart without me there to make sure bills got paid, trash got put out, homework was done, lunches made, groceries bought, meals prepared and cleaned up….the list goes on and on.

Somehow I managed to returned to sleep and fell into an odd dream. I was with my middle son (the one who painted the bathtub with nail polish) and we were entering a restaurant. The hostess greeted us and my son said to her, “I’m a lesbian”. She looked at me and said, “Lesbian? Oh,” as if this meant we could not eat there. When I heard the term lesbian it felt very off yet a part of me seemed to accept it like, “Yeah he is”. I looked at the hostess as she was joined by another woman and they both looked at me questionably as if I were expected to explain. I stood there, struggling to figure out what was going on. I looked at my son, standing there naked, his white-blond hair stark in contrast to the brownish ambiance of the room. As I looked at him I kept thinking to myself, Lesbian? Lesbian?

Now, looking back on the experience, I know that the word was a trigger to get me to wake up, but at that point it was just very confusing because a part of me knew it was dead wrong and out of place but another part wanted to just accept it and happily have my dinner.

Hundreds of Houses

The trigger must have finally worked because the dream vanished and I felt the familiar floating feeling that comes with a disconnect from my body.  I instantly recognized I was OOB, too, but was not excited to find that once again I could not see well because it was dark. I also recognized I was inside my mom’s house and went directly to a window to exit. I flew into it, hoping to go right through, but met resistance and so opened it.

When I went outside it was still dark. Disappointed (I really wanted it to be light which often happens when I go outside), I floated up and hovered while I surveyed the space around me. I was definitely not outside my mom’s house but somewhere else, somewhere with mountains.

After I got my bearings, I remembered that I wanted to try something a member of my astral projectors FB group had posted. This being that they chanted “OM” to help them let go. I had told myself to try this the next time I went OOB but doubted I would remember it. Yet, here I was, in the midst of an OBE, thinking to myself, “Chant OM!”

So I did, but it didn’t come out quite right. Instead of sounding like the familiar chanting, it came out more like a howl. In fact, I sounded like I was howling at the moon! Instead of laughing at this, I got very serious and focused on trying to do it “right”. So I tried it a few more times, still hearing more of a howling sound that continued to get more and more like a wolf’s howl than the OM I wanted. I think once, and only once, did it sound something like I wanted.

At some point I gave up on trying to OM and instead just thought, “Let go”. At the same time as I thought this, I noticed that the mountains in front of me were dotted with hundreds of houses. Each of them was lit up with yellow light. Each house was identical – white, two-story, with four square windows with the familiar four tiny boxes inside each. All of them lit up brightly. When I saw how many there were I took it all in and recognized it as beautiful. Yet I was disinterested. A part of me was still holding onto the sadness I had gone to bed with.

I began to feel the familiar pull upwards that often hits me. I am not certain of what it is meant to do but I had a distinct feeling that I needed to go along with it. In fact, I felt at that time a knowingness that was saying, “Just go with it” along with a message saying, “Let me show you”. I all at once gave into this feeling, wanting, desiring to know what lay ahead.

But I must have still been resisting because I began to flounder and the upward sensation stopped suddenly. I felt the familiar floaty feeling I get when I come close to my body and resisted the temptation to settle back into my body. The message still strong that there was something I needed to see, to be shown.

viewThe Sun is on It’s Way

I willed myself back to where I had been. Within moments I was again floating near the mountains but the white, yellow-lit houses were gone. Instead the mountainside was dark as was everything else. I again felt the familiar pulling sensation and felt/knew that I needed to let myself be pulled up. For some reason I also began to sing loudly. There is a faint memory with the singing that I needed to raise my vibration and a recognition that the darkness of my vision coincided with the darkness I was feeling.

As I sang, I was pulled up with ever increasing velocity. Usually I resist, thinking I will soon end up in space looking down at planet Earth, but this time I sang loudly, “I don’t mind going into space”, repeating a variation of that thought several times and accepting that soon I would be looking down at the Earth.

But my hand scraped something hard and I realized that although I felt to be miles up in the sky, I was not. Then I opened my eyes and for a moment saw with color and clarity. I was very close to the ground and flying fast. I remember looking down as I flew and seeing a pair of white sandals all alone on the hillside in the grass. I wanted to reach down and pick them up, but felt pulled away and upward over the mountains and hills.

I also remember the song I was singing, melody and words. I sang:

“‘Cause I know it’ll be okay,

And the sun is on it’s way,

Everything is always just that way”.

As the words to the second line came out of my mouth, I saw vividly the bright, morning sun rising to my left right along with the words “the sun is on it’s way”. It was an amazing, vibrant orange-red and its rays reached out and illuminated my vision. The sky exploded in color, a pastel shade of blue dotted with white clouds and the oranges and reds of a brilliant sunrise. I looked to my right as I sang the last line and saw the once dark mountain side brighten and come alive with color, the green so vibrant that it made me want to cry.

All the while I was soaring low on the horizon and singing, feeling much lighter and more free than I had been feeling in the previous gloomy darkness.

The emotions that hit me, mostly joy and relief, caused me to return to my body. I did not want to open my eyes, but when I did, my cheek was wet with tears. Although the experience did lift my spirits for a moment, when I awoke I was reluctant to get out of bed.

Reflection

This morning, as I reflect on the experience, I realize that my energy and vibration has been very low despite my energy seeming to be high. I also have been stuck in some negative past experiences which, unfortunately, have pulled me into similar scenarios while OOB. I have been considering this as I mull over my most recent OBEs and I believe I was testing it during this particular experience. Result? Success!

Singing has always elevated my mood. No matter how down I am, the act of singing pulls me out of the despair. In my earlier OBEs, singing was often in the background and I have many pleasant memories of dancing and singing with my dog, Trooper, in the sunshine and warmth of my own astral landscape. I also have many a memory as a child of singing made-up songs as I played with my dolls or wandered around the yard aimlessly. Presently, my own daughter sings her own made-up melodies and dances happily much like I did when I was her age.

Perhaps the biggest lesson this experience taught me is that my thoughts create my reality, no matter where I am. And if I can just get in control of them, then I can pull myself out of whatever funk I find myself in. I have learned this lesson before, but, as another post in my FB group reminded me, sometimes we need to be reminded of lessons we have already learned because, despite us knowing the lesson, we may not have fully integrated it.

Finally, I believe there was a breakthrough in this OBE that is very significant. I decided to “let go” and do something different than I had done in my other OBEs. I have been trying, unsuccessfully for the most part, to control my OBEs and the results have been more of the same: dead ends, sudden endings, dark gloominess, and a feeling of failure upon waking. This time I let myself be taken wherever I was going and ended up regaining my vision. I also realized that the loss of my vision was an illusion. The colors and beauty were always there but my mood and fight for control overshadowed them. It was only when I let go that the darkness disappeared and let in the light.

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The Timekeeper

This high energy cycle I’ve been going through all month continues along with the deep, hard sleep that seems limited to 7-8 hours max. I forgot to mention that I am ridiculously hungry right now, too. I often wake up in the morning so irritable from my hunger that I am starting to think of myself as the terrible morning monster. My whole family knows to avoid me, especially my husband who keeps accidentally initiating important conversations as soon as he sees me awake. I, of course, bark back at him a response or two, my mind focused only on one thing: food. Usually, within about 30 minutes of eating, I am back to my normal self, but thirty minutes is a long time and I often put my foot in my mouth more than once during that time.

These “symptoms” are, of course, all very much common to the “ascension” process. Yet, when one is going through them they wonder, “What the hell is wrong with me?” I can’t help but think I must have some undiagnosed illness waiting, like the monster in my closet, to jumped out at me when I least expect it.

Alaska

I had, again, a really vivid dream that came with me into sudden wakefulness at 6 a.m. Being this is my day off, I was very irritated that I was wide awake at such an early time. It only made me more frustrated when my rumbling stomach forced me out of bed and down to the kitchen.

I returned to bed after my snack and instantly felt I needed to take what little time I had to meditate. The instant I chose to do this, I began to receive messages. But I am getting ahead of myself. I need to recount the dream first so that you understand a bit about the messages I received.

In the dream I was at a home in the mountains of Alaska. I found myself suddenly just there and was a bit out of sorts and trying to get my bearings for some time. I seemed to be surrounded by “family”, though I have no idea who the people were. There was a couple who appeared to be in the mid to late 40s and were happily giving me and my group a tour of their home.

I don’t recall much about the tour but I do remember that we were talking about moving there. I did not like the idea and was relieved when I discovered it would be my sister, her husband and new son that would be moving there and not me. There was some interaction that reminded me of my past with my sister that I participated in, but it all seemed very out of place being we are so much older now than we were then.

At one point we were exploring a home for rent near a creek that flowed into the ocean. The house was an empty, very nice multistory home positioned right next to a rapidly flowing, crystal clear creek.  My companion and I explored the area, me commenting on how nice it was and how we should rent it. I stood next to the creek and saw a large, orange colored Koi fish feeding. Something was said about the fish, but I don’t recall it now.

We went down a trail that led into the woods. It appeared well kept and made of some kind of fabricated stone that was speckled gray and white. It led into a cavernous area that was really a man-made outdoor atrium of some type, with tall stone columns and passages. We went inside and I thought there would be bats and sure enough one flew out in front of my sister. It was large but I was not afraid of it, more in awe of it.

The dream gets hazy here for a bit but I do remember that there was a moment when I was holding back a large bear. I had my hands in its mouth (it was asleep) and was yelling at someone to get away, saying, “It’s a bear!” The person was actually sleeping with the bear and I was trying to get them to notice. Something here triggered my memory that there was a bear in another dream but I never could (nor can I now) recall the dream.

Then, we were back by the house with the couple. The place was beginning to depress me. I complained of it being cold more than once, remembering that 60 degrees was warm to them. I also remember a man flirting with me and I was a bit annoyed at him. Not only was he short and unattractive, but I knew connecting with him meant connecting with Alaska and there was no way I was staying there. He was nice enough, though, but I also knew he was part of this “family” living in Alaska. No way!

We went outside and in front of the house was this enormous lake. The water was dark and it was beautiful in its own way, but I commented to the others how it was “ugly”. We somehow ended up on the other side of it and then owner just walked across it, showing me that although it seemed deep it was really very shallow, the water only reaching his calves. I was surprised.

time_joakim_kraemer_photography_Timekeeper

I awoke suddenly from the dream and later, after my snack, settled down to meditate. Like I said earlier, the messages came almost instantly. The first thing that I heard was, “You have a Timekeeper”. This peaked my curiosity. What is a Timekeeper? I wondered, and Why do I only have one?

I was instantly encouraged not to break the state of consciousness I was in. It is hard to explain how this was communicated, but I instantly calmed my mind and let go of my focus upon the many questions arising in my mind.

Without words I knew what was happening. The dreams I have been having are part of a process of purging myself of past issues; issues that hold me back in some way. Much of the purging has to do with old patterns and beliefs. Specifically, the Alaska theme is representative of a time in my life when I was very depressed and felt surrounded by darkness, both literally and figuratively. I felt as well as was told that I must, “pass through the darkness to get to the light”.

The Timekeeper, whoever “he” is, was there and accessible to me, though he seemed “above” me and almost unreachable. I asked his name and heard an “M” name that reminded me of Marion but I am not sure if that is correct. Like is usual, when I hear a name it becomes jumbled and distorted and I doubt the accuracy of the name I receive. Initially, though, before it became jumbled, it sounded a whole lot like Marion but I am positive I skewed the name so it sounded familiar to me.

When I asked what a Timekeeper was I was told, “I am here to help you see”. My guide has been telling me that I will “see” soon but I never quite understood what he meant. See what? Will I literally see something or does it mean I will increase my awareness and so then, “see” more?

I assume this Timekeeper is helping me return to times in which I struggled in order to help me gain awareness of the struggles and lessons I endured. What did I learn while I was in Alaska that is so important? In my memory of it, I realized that I had a shadow I defeated: death.

Shadow Man

I struggled to recall if I had ever meditated or had any recollection of intensely vivid dreams or experiences during that time. I could not, at first, remember anything of significance other than the sudden onset of creativity that resulted in playing the guitar and writing songs that contained strong messages to myself.

Then I recalled a time when I sought out the darkness that was haunting me and causing so much pain in my life. I don’t remember where I got the idea from – the internet? But I did take time to close my eyes and focus. When I did, I found a very surprising thing: a shadowy figure that was there for a brief moment and then vanished.

Intrigued, I tried to find him. I searched my mind for his hiding place and I found him, hiding in the corner of my mind. He had no definition and was very slippery. One moment I would see him clearly, the depth of his dark features endless. Other times he would vanish or appear to be see-through.

I remember him vividly and when I “caught” him, I was flooded with memories and despair. I immediately knew he represented the thoughts that had been tormenting me and willing me, endlessly it seemed, to die. He was death.

There were memories he was associated with, memories from my past and childhood. I don’t remember them now, but when I realized who Shadow Man was, I knew his trickery and I fought him in my mind, banishing him (or so it seemed). For some reason, at that time, the Shadow Man was very real to me. Yet, I did not learn of such creatures and such until many years later when I went through my spiritual awakening.

Shadow Man was in one of my OBEs not long ago. Is he back? Did I only think I got rid of him? I suspect so. The draw towards death never left me completely. It has been more controllable but it has shifted faces and form. It is deceptive and distracting. In fact, after that first encounter with him, I traveled to Alaska and went through some very dark days and more came after that.

I am certain that Shadow Man is merely an aspect of my Self. I suspect the Timekeeper who is helping me is working hard to help me see him and other aspects of my Self that might be booby trapping my awareness, steering me towards negativity and thoughts of death. But something tells me there is much more to a Timekeeper. What?

If you know, please feel free to fill me in.

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I am Home

It seems I have entered into a new pattern of awareness. That is the only way I can explain it anyway.

It started with the blood moon the beginning of this month and continues to accelerate. The major change has been most noticeable in my sleep patterns. I am not tired when I go to bed, yet when I close my eyes I almost instantly drift off to sleep. Then when I sleep, I sleep very, very deeply and often do not remember my dreams. Then, occasionally I will have a night where I have dreams galore but then cannot remember the details upon waking. Other times there are dreams that come out vividly seemingly from nowhere.

The other change has occurred in my waking awareness. I first had more calm and then it shifted to noticing things, synchronicities and deja vu amongst other things. Amidst these, noticeable, but gradual changes in awareness.

I have not been writing about everything that happens because if I did I would end up with posts so long no one would have time to read them. Also, I have come to realize that sometimes the things that happen to me need to be digested over time before their true meaning and significance is realized.

Test

This morning when I awoke I recalled a very long, in-depth dream. This surprised me since that has not been happening much this month.

The dream was set inside of a moving, armored, all-terrain vehicle. I almost want to call it a military tank but hesitate since I was on the inside and the feeling was not that I was going to war or anything of the like. I was sitting with a man who I admired quite a bit. He was my superior and I recall pushing back a romantic thought towards him, almost like I was internally reminding myself that was not my purpose for being there. He had on a helmet and was discussing flying, referring to me and a flight I would be taking as a newly trained pilot. I was listening and donned my own helmet. It was green and made of metal and covered my entire head. in front was a clear panel that covered the entire front of my face.

I remember feeling anticipation and nervousness as I listened to him. I knew this was an important step for me and I did not want to fail. This “test” would determine whether or not I was ready to pilot my own craft (what kind I am not sure).

The color green was very prominent in the memory of this dream as was the color silver which was the color of the metal vehicle I was in.

Mental Facility

Instead of the dream ending with me preparing for flight it actually fast-forwarded to another destination. I found myself standing in a line at a very large building built to hold many people. It was silver in color and very tall, so tall I could barely make out the top. It was square and also had a military feeling to it.

As I waited in line I was with a familiar group of people and I knew they were traveling with me. We were being processed by this facility to receive mental treatment. At first I thought it was a mental hospital but that thought was immediately replaced with “mental” as a stand-alone title for this place.

As I waited I looked down and saw soft, green grass all about. It was vibrant and separated the steel posts that designated the lines for for entrance into the building. I noticed very large animal feces all about and recognized it to be deer feces. I mentioned it to the guy I was standing with who confirmed they belonged to deer that frequented the place. I responded, “Those must be some very big deer. I sure wouldn’t want to come into contact with one of them!”

At the entrance I was expected to present my I.D. and sorted through my purse to get it. At this time I remember opening my wallet and finding huge amounts of money wadded inside. I retrieved my driver’s license and stuffed the money back inside, worried the people behind me might be watching and then want my money. I also felt guilty of having so much for some reason.There was one guy who was suspicious. A criminal?

When I got through to the other side, a woman kept my I.D. and gave me paperwork to fill out. I had to list the types of food I liked, my weight and measurements of my body. I could not answer all the questions and asked if that was okay. It was.

Inside we were placed into a dormitory together. I was with various individuals of all ages and genders, some family groups, others singles. We were waiting together and I was concerned about when and what we would eat and also concerned about my baby. I asked for milk and was told they had limited amounts of it and that I would have to use powdered formula. I took it but worried I would run out. I remember looking around with a feeling of uncertainty at this time. Finally, though, a gallon of milk was located and I had plenty for my baby.

Inside the dorm I went about making food with what provisions I could find. It happened to be beans. I began cooking them and found there was not much. A woman beside me began opening ground turkey. I asked where she got it and she told me the pantry. I immediately went to look and found canned food and such and began looking for ingredients to make a stew. I found a can of chitlins and was told to look twice. Realizing the can contained pork intestines, I put them back. For some reason they had a Hawaiian name and a Hawaiian man later came and got them to eat.

Pool

As if the dream were not already weird enough, it got weirder. I found myself with my group in the water of a swimming pool. I watched as a suited individual was pulled down into and under the water. She was wearing what appeared to be white, astronaut suit but it was really scuba gear. Under the water she became me and I breathed under water for a bit and then surfaced and looked about. I remember feeling very uniquely separate from the others at this point and a bit unsure of where I was and why I was there.

In the water the group was pairing off and one guy kept looking at me as if he wanted to know if I was interested. I immediately told him I was married (or did I think it?) and moved away from him. Not only was he unattractive but I just was not interested.

I heard something and looked up to see the instructor. He was discussing the training we were going through. I don’t remember now what he was saying but it was obvious that I was still in the “mental” facility going through some kind of training. Another interesting thing was that everyone was wearing white.

Promotion

Suddenly I was doing my laundry and standing in front of a washing machine. It was overfull and I was pulling out paper. It was paper used for wrapping presents and I was not sure how it got there. As I unloaded it to make the washer less full I was talking with a woman. I was able to get the load lessened and then my attention was brought back to the instructor who had just been at the pool side. He was addressing me and holding up a large tapestry of some kind. He opened it up and it was a commendation that had been sewed for me. It was the size of a quilt and was green and white. It very clearly stated that I was promoted to Captain. When he told me this I was intensely happy and surprised at once. The rest of the group was also very congratulatory. I kept looking at the tapestry and the word “Captain” continued to repeat in my mind.

Waking Messages

I awoke at this time. Fully awake without drowsiness, I realized it was very early and still dark. I don’t know what time it was but I suspect about 5:45-6a.m. This is the time I have been waking all week regardless of when I have to get up.

I tried to return to sleep but could not. So I went over the dream in my mind and wondered about its meaning. As I did, I must have drifted in and out of the state in-between sleep and wakefulness. It is a very deep meditative state that is easy for me to fall into upon waking.

During this time I would find myself conversing with someone and other times I would be in the act of doing particular things. The messages I received are difficult to remember now, which is not unusual, and I remember being reassured that I would remember what I needed to when I asked to remember.

One message was that I had three more levels. The other was simply the word “migraine” along with the image of the helmet I was wearing in the first part of the dream. This message immediately brought me to full awareness as I panicked a bit but then knew it was okay and purposeful. At this point I was hit with a calmness and knowingness that reassured me all was going as planned and caused me to not care about what it might mean.

The next thing I remember is doing yoga and realizing suddenly that I was, bringing me back to full awareness. I then began to “know” things but at the same time I was speaking to myself with certainty, but the voice did not seem like mine, yet it was. It is hard to explain. I was telling myself, “I am suppose to do this, that is what I was told to do”, and I began to do “it”. “it” was to meditate.

So that is what I did and I struggled with it because I kept being brought back to full awareness by things I was being told, triggered by my desire to remember, word-for-word, what I was “hearing”. I went back and forth between states for some time and finally the message got through to me – “Don’t focus on any one thing. You will remember what is needed.”

And that is when I let go and gave in. When I returned from this state, I did not remember everything and as I tried to remember I began to lose specifics very quickly. Yet I instantly began to know that what I was going through was purposeful and part of the process. The deep sleeping, the high energy in the day, the synchronicity, the deja vu, – all of it was part of the “ascension” process as was that movement from “level to level” as per the promotion to Captain in my dream. I also remembered what I had been doing before bed (I could not remember it before then). I had been saying to myself, “I am home” and I fully recognized that what I was longing for, this “Home”, is an illusion, much like everything else I experience in the physical. That Home is really me. Home is everywhere that I am. It is with me all the time and I can access it anytime. I went to sleep repeating to myself, “I AM HOME”.

Note: I am currently reading Confronting Your Immortality by Gordon Phinn. I highly recommend this book. I am in the middle of the book and have been reading it before bed the past few nights. It is from this book that I recognized how my beliefs have been limiting me, specifically my belief of what Home is.

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My Team

Some information from this morning’s OBE is slowly coming back to me as the day progresses. Specifically the conversation I had with my guide while I floated in darkness during my OBE. There was also an entire OBE that I forgot.

Messages

The first memory I had was of being told about how fleeting information given to an individual while OOB is. My guide specifically told me, “70% is lost” and the other 30% does not often make sense. Why would it if such a big chunk of it is missing?! I don’t remember even reacting to the information really but I did repeat it to myself several times which tells me I thought it important. I usually repeat information given to me by my guides or others in astral if I want to remember it. Sometimes I will say it several times, other times I have even written things down. It doesn’t always work. This time it did, but it was delayed.

Council OBE

There was also a sudden memory that hit me while I was browsing through the blogs I follow on WordPress. One of the blogs titles included the word “council”. As soon as I read it, I remembered that I had a meeting with mine. How could I have forgotten that?? Ah, that must have been part of the 70% I lost!

The specific memory I had was of sitting at a table that was very large. It was shiny mahogany and circular. I was sitting with a man, likely the same male guide I had been interacting with the entire night, but I could not see him. I just felt him. Across from us and very obviously separated from us, were four people. I saw each of them but it is hard nOvalMahoganyConfernceTLBow to remember what they looked like. I do remember it being bright and there being bright colors, specifically blue and yellow. Interestingly, as with many of my astral environments, this one had a very yellowish glow to it. It is as if someone replaced all the regular light bulbs in a room with yellow ones.

I remember being startled when I first became aware of where I was. I looked around and saw that the space resembled a conference room in an office similar to what one would see in the movies or on TV (it reminded me of the conference room in Mad Men actually!). Like I said, it was very bright and I recall thinking there must be windows but I didn’t see any.

Then I looked across the table and saw four well dressed men and women. I again do not recall them in detail but I do want to say that the men were wearing blue suits. I am certain my jaw dropped at seeing them. I looked down and saw that only a few feet separated myself and my guide from them, but it felt like the distance was much farther; like the table was massive and I was all the way over on the other end, tiny and insignificant.

As soon as I absorbed it all I exclaimed, “Is this my Council?”

My memory of the experience ends there. I am frustrated that it does because I have not met with my council like this. I have sensed them with my mind and spoken with one of them (I think), but I have never actually seen them all together. I also thought I had way more than 4, well actually 5 counting the guide at my side. I am pleased to not have a fearful feeling accompany the memory. I always thought I would feel like a school girl going to the principal’s office when I met my council.

My Team

Now that I think about it, the word council implies some kind of judgement is being given or that there is some higher authority involved, at least to me it does. I don’t like that. I prefer the term Team because it feels more accurate to me. Yet in the experience I had, I identified this group of people as my Council.

It is interesting to me how much I seem to know while OOB. I know names, faces, places, etc. Yet when I awaken and think back on the experience I have no clue who or what I seemed to have known then. It is the same with this experience. I seemed genuinely pleased to see them and, though I did at first sense separation and feel small, that feeling vanished when I recognized them. Now when I look back they all seem like strangers to me and their faces are blank or all muddled together. At least I know I met them. I suppose that is enough.

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Seven

So far this week has been pretty dull compared to last week. I am more irritable but not in a bad way. I am not surprised that I am falling below the wonderful plateau of temporary emotional stability I had last week. It is a common cycle in my life. I am grateful for experiencing the reprieve, though.

Deja Vu

Yesterday I had a very powerful deja vu experience. It happen like they usually do. I was at work and was called to help someone who had lost their brothers within months of each other. So my job was to listen and give assistance as needed. As I was listening and giving information about the five stages of grief everything suddenly seemed to brighten. At the same time it was as if the moment were in slow motion and everything I was experiencing was very familiar. I suspected deja vu and then looked at a bookcase and seeing it cemented the feeling. Definitely deja vu.

I have not had deja vu in a long time. Around the time of my spiritual awakening, probably in 2003 or thereabouts, I had deja vu quite frequently. Back then I was not use to it and at first I found it curious and then exciting. I had been told by others that it meant I was exactly where I was suppose to be. Eventually, though, the experiences were soon followed by a series of negative life events. So, since this time, I have begun to see deja vu experiences as warnings. I know it is not logical, but I cannot seem to help but worry when I have one. What if I end up having similar negative things happen after them?

With this specific deja vu, I remembered that I had been in that exact place and time, doing the exact thing I was doing – classic deja vu. The feeling with it was very dream-like as well and I wrought my brain trying to figure out when I had experienced this before. My conclusion was that I must have dreamed it, or at least the past experience was similar to that of a dream.

I am not certain that I will associate this deja vu with future negative happenings, but I will definitely be wary. Perhaps deja vu is a result of pre-life review – that time before we enter the body when we review particular events that we will struggle with. I also feel that these reviews are meant to trigger memories within us so that we are ready to do the right thing at the right moment. So, it makes complete sense that I would worry about what is to come after having deja vu.

Hidden Belief Revealed

This morning, after a pretty deep somewhat dreamless sleep, I woke up and felt one of my guides very close. I had just dreamed about thousands of old people. There had been a discussion about them. The old people were above the age of 70 for the most part, many of them deteriorating at a fast pace; their bodies not functioning properly and letting them down. The discussion focused on my opinions of old people. I made it very clear that they were more of a burden than anything and “got in the way” (my exact words). The person I was talking to was listening and then when this person did speak (they were neither male or female) they gave me a phone number that I repeated a couple of times, along with the number 7. My opinion about the elderly was questioned but I awoke before I could respond.

Upon waking I remembered my stance on the elderly and was at first shocked and then accepting of my opinion. I realized somewhere within me there is the belief that if one cannot contribute to society that they should no longer be supported by society. Where this belief comes from, I am not 100% certain, but it contributes to my present life issues, specifically family issues that I will not go into right now. I am fairly certain this belief of mine stems from a past life (or many). I know I had a life in Germany around the time of the holocaust but not during it. Perhaps it stems from that life?

I did not remember the phone number, despite saying it several times, but I did remember the number 7. I am not too familiar with the number 7 but from what I remember about it, 7 is the number of spirituality and developing and increasing one’s spiritual ability. The number 7 is a message from one’s guide that now is the perfect time to focus upon development of one’s spiritual ability, to seek answers and truth from within and encourages others to, also.

golden-dragon-scalesOBE or Something Else?

After accepting the dream conversation that revealed one of my hidden beliefs I felt very defeated. I disliked myself very much yet I knew the belief was mine and needed to be worked through. This was overwhelming to me, of course, as the very rejection of this belief creates difficulty in resolving it.

I could still feel my guide with me and I said to him, “I want to astral”. He nodded. I rolled over and closed my eyes.

The next thing I remember was awakening within a dark room. I could sense I was in my bed and that was all. I felt groggy and tired. Despite this, I pushed myself to exit my body and get past the groggy feeling. I felt heavy and cumbersome as I rolled to the side and sat up. I felt the disconnect from my body but it was sluggish. I just wanted to get out and away from the feeling!

After what seemed like forever, I disconnected from the heaviness of my body and began to float through the house I was in. It was not familiar and the lights were out. I could not see well but it was enough to make out shapes and objects in the room. I was in typical living area with a TV, sofa, tables, etc. I felt a presence with me. It was male and tall and not threatening. I recognized him to be my guide and acknowledged him. I then knew his name and said to him, “You are…” excitedly, but his name eludes me now. We talked but I do not know what we said now. It was mostly me recognizing him and his relationship to me. I also remember him saying to me, “This is you” and “I am you”.

I made my way to the other side of the room and stood in front of the door. A child was there, but I do not know who it was or if it was male or female. It appeared to be a small girl but I did not interact with her at all. I only recall a slight glow about her, but did not focus on it. I then stated out loud, “I want to see the light”.

I made my way to the door and intended to go through it but when I got to it I met resistance. Not deterred I willed my way through it and just popped out on the other side of the door.

I found myself outside but it was still dark. My surroundings felt more familiar here but I was still not sure where I was. I kept calling out, “I want to see the light” over and over. I did not initially intend to say this and the memory of setting the intention was hard to remember. I could not figure out the right words. Now in recalling this I know I meant to say, “I want to see my Higher Self” but for some reason I could not recall those words.

As I continued to say, “I want to see the light”, I felt myself being pulled upward toward the sky. At first I resisted, a bit worried I would end up in outer space which is not where I wanted to go, but I eventually allowed myself to be pulled up. When I did, there appeared before me row upon row of shimmering golden leaves outlined with light green. But when I focused upon them more the “leaves” appeared more to be gold leafed armor plating. My vision was bright and completely filled with the images of tiny, sparkling, golden leaves.

My movement upward began to accelerate and I got uneasy. This, of course, blacked out my vision. I wish I could just go with it and not resist! Anyway,  when this happened I did not want to wake up so I calmed myself down and let myself just float in the blackness. I stopped moving upward but did not go back into my body. I just floated in darkness. At this time is when my guide began to speak and I just floated in darkness while we talked.

He explained to me that what I was experiencing was all a result of me. I was creating it. I cannot remember his exact words now but the message was clear: this was all my creation; my reality. Why was he telling me this again? He also told me that of the information I remembered or received while OOB, I would lose 70%. His exact words were, “70% is lost”. I don’t remember the rest of what he said, but I guess with a 70% loss that is about right.

When we were done talking, I realized my eyes had been closed. I slowly peeked out and light came shining through and I vividly saw the outside. The light shown through my eyelids very brightly and caused me to awaken. I opened my eyes and the memory of my conversation with my guide hit me. I focused on remembering the experience and then willed myself back to it.

I was back outside in darkness with limited vision. I saw an animal pen of some kind with a dog inside. There was also the shadow of a man on the other side of it. At the same time I felt the warm fur of a dog next to me and recognized my Trooper was with me. I reached down and petted him. It did not register with me to question what dog was inside the pen, though. I wanted instead to find out who the man was. I should have been afraid but I wasn’t as I flew toward the tall, shadowy figure and called out to him, “Hey!” I flew up and over the pen to come down to the other side where the man was but when I looked down he was gone.

I awoke and was not in a good mood. It was irritating to me that my vision was so poor and the conversation with my guide had me wondering if my experience was just a very vivid, lucid dream and that I was not really leaving my body at all. He did say that everything around me was created by me so that must mean that I am just dreaming. The thought made me question all my experiences. It felt like I was out of my body, but if I was OOB, where was I going? To my own created world? If so, what was the fun of that? The disappointment created by this possibility made me disinterested in any more such experiences. I lay in bed, disappointed, as hypnagogic images flashed through my mind. They kept distracting me and when I focused on them they would vanish. I knew I should ignore them and that if I did I would consciously exit my body. But I didn’t want to. I was too let down by the message that it was all my creation and that I was likely just in some kind of self-simulated realty. I want more than that.

by

Pulling Teeth

As my near dreamless nights pile up, I am allowed glimpses of dreams as if to “show” me that progress is being made. Yet the impatient part of me is struggling to see any progress being made. It has been at least a week (more maybe?) since I have had any significant OBE and the dreams I do have are quickly lost to me upon waking. I have also been waking frequently, an average of three times per night. Yes I have a baby who still awakens at night, but that is usually at 4am and only once. The other times I awaken suddenly and then, of course, must use the restroom. Each time my dreams fade quickly, even if I try to hold onto them. And if I do manage to remember a dream, it is usually lost in subsequent dreams and I cannot remember anything except a general idea or feeling upon waking.

Pulling Teeth

During one of my wakings last night I awoke very disturbed from a dream about teeth. Dreams about teeth are very common but I have not had one in a long time. Usually any dream I have about my teeth represents stubbornness on my part, yet this dream was unlike any other I have ever had.

In the dream I was with a man (guide?) and we were discussing a surgery that I needed to have. The surgery was that all my upper teeth would be pulled and then I would get dentures. I was not happy about this and very nervous. I remember asking to be sedated during the procedure and worrying about pain. I was reassured that I could be sedated and that, though it would take a while for my gums to heal afterward, I would be okay. I had to wait for my gums to heal, though, in order to be fitted for dentures. Throughout our conversation there was another scenario being played out that involved the man I was talking to. He was not being very honest, in fact he may have been a con man. Anyway, I remember thinking I disliked what he was doing and what he was planning to do – it was very wrong. How that went along with my teeth being pulled, I don’t know, but it definitely left a feeling that allowed me to remember this dream upon waking.

Here is what Dreammoods says about teeth: Common dreams: Teeth.

15957214_largeRebuilding a Car

I had another dream that I remember from last night. This one was after my last waking in which I had to go downstairs several times and eat because I was so hungry.

In this dream I was at a mechanic’s shop. It was a typical shop in a metal building with a large garage door. Inside were two men, but the one I spoke with most often was very young and reminded me of my brother in age and appearance, though he was definitely not my brother.

I spoke with the young man at first to talk about the car I brought in. The car was very vivid to me. It was the car I had when I was a teenager in high school – a white,1987 Ford Escort. My mom drove it, then my older sister, then me. My younger sister even got it but she burned up the engine. I recall its red interior and every little thing about it and in the dream I did also.

I told the young man I was interested in restoring the car and he said they would do it. We walked around it and discussed what would need to be done. I showed him the small dent in the fender and he told me the seats would have to be recovered. I decided to leave it white and he quoted me $1200 just for labor. I remember thinking it was reasonable and wanting to do it but feeling like I needed to ask my Mom for permission.

I stayed in the shop a while, going the refrigerator and making myself at home in a kitchen/waiting room. I remember using some milk to give to my baby and recalling I had left it there from a previous visit. I then noticed the table had some missing chairs and mentioned it to the young man, thinking the chairs did not belong to the table. I soon realized I was wrong and let it be and decided to leave the milk there because it was already nearly expired.

Interpretation

Cars have always represented life paths to me. In this particular instance the car came from my high school years and was with my family from the time I was 10 to my early 20s. It was connected to many life events and memories and the fact that I was wanting to restore the car suggests a desire to return the events of that period in my life and make them “like new”.

Mechanics and mechanics shops can be compared to hospitals (which are also very common in my dreams lately) in they they are places of “repair” or healing. Since I encountered a mechanic it is even more real to me that I was seeking healing and repair of a specific time in my life. The fact that I am concerned about getting permission from my Mom implies that I have some issues with her or that maybe she has issues from that time as well that need healing.

The milk is also very prominent in my dream. Milk symbolizes maternal instinct and motherly love as well as compassion and love. The milk is not sour or bad in the dream but I imply that it is expired which suggests a need to pull back on the love I extend to certain people in my life. I am not sure exactly who but in real life I have been distant from my own mother since we moved so I believe this is the person who I have withdrawn from.

Healing

I know I am going through a deep healing period in my life where I am again being asked to reflect upon past issues and work to resolve them and let them go. It is my belief that issues remain as long as their is a lesson to be learned from them. Sometimes they also remain because they are linked to others who also have not learned from them or let them go. We carry our issues with us like baggage along with our memories and links to the people we love. It makes sense to me, then, that even though we may feel “done” with an issue, the issue remains because some other person we love has not come to terms with it. As One, we all contribute to and benefit from each others healing.

So, even though I have been through my childhood time and time again, I recognize there is still something left that has yet to be recognized. So I continue to return to those moments. Perhaps the pulling teeth dream is representative of my view about returning once again to that time in my life? It makes sense. I am resistant to returning again to that time because I have gone over and over those memories. I am told, though, that it will be painless and I can “sleep” through it. So, perhaps, I will be continuing to do most of the healing in my sleep.