Author Archives

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The Trickster – August, 2011

I started back to work this week and my sleep issues disappeared as suddenly as they appeared. I am sleeping wonderfully. I am also having very vivid dreams.

All week I have had these vivid dreams. They have a common theme: change and handling change. Last night’s dream had a lot of water in it. Whenever I have dreams with a lot of water in them I know emotion is involved.

In my dream last night there was a large pond in my back yard. I remember that the water was receding and then it would surge forward and then recede again. I watched it and even threw a baby toy into it and watched it disappear under the surface. Then the water receded again and I went out to retrieve the toy only to be overcome by the water which forced me to retreat. Strangely enough I was walking on this wooden grid rather than the bottom of a pond and I remember commenting that it was my “bed”. It felt at times that I was becoming lucid in the dream because I would go from a dream-like state into a more awake state, very aware that I was dreaming and laying in bed. Thus, the feeling that I was in my bed rather than in the pond.

Eventually I shifted my attention from the pond in the dream to around me. I remember looking in the distance at the hills and I could see very clearly a cow walking along the hillside. It was as if I were using binoculars or something because I could see the image within a circular frame. The cow symbolizes tranquility and having a passive nature. It can also symbolize maternal instincts. This makes a lot of sense to me since my main focus has been on my children for almost four years. It just so happens that my disconnect from my spiritual gifts also came about at the same time.

Then I noticed to my right what appeared to be a a dog running. But no! It was a coyote with a collar on it!

That was where the dream ended and I woke feeling very distraught about my life, as if I needed to do something but I didn’t know what. The coyote in my dream did not surprise me as I saw one cross the road in front of me a couple of days ago and it did appear to be a domestic dog at first glance. The coyote is the trickster – things aren’t always as they appear to be. I am hoping this is a good thing, though, that I am dreading something that I need not dread. Because the coyote had a collar on it, perhaps he is trying to tell me that the feeling of being domesticated or controlled is deceptive.

I feel like I am going through the past a lot in my dreams; remembering how things use to be and what I did before to make it through. I know I am in a much  better place than I use to be and I am grateful for that. Life is full of abundance for me lately and I am fortunate to have the people in my life to support me that I do. I still feel a strange feeling about the end of this year, though. I am starting to look forward to Christmas.

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If You Leave

 

I awoke hearing this song this morning. It completely threw me because it did not go along with the dream I was having. The main lyrics I was hearing was the part at the end where it continues to say “If you leave” over and over. I could hear the “Oh, oh-oh” as well. I assume the message was from Spirit telling me they would like me to stay in this life a little longer.

Purpose

It is funny how every time I start wondering what I am doing here on Earth this life, I get an answer. Lately, the answers are much easier to recognize. Instead of just hints or intuitive hunches, I actually get messages in words or pictures. I have even recently received intense urges or impulses. To receive such a strong message along with an urge has only happened one other time in my life, so it is a very rare thing indeed (for me). It makes the messages very difficult to ignore and even the stubbornest person (that would be me) cannot talk their way out of it.

Yesterday the full impact of the visual message I received hit me. The title of the book I saw would not leave me – The Nurturing of Innocence. That is powerful! I could not stop saying it over and over in my mind, as if I was tasting what it would be like. I also had ideas hit me. I won’t go into detail about it but I will say that those ideas have come to me before.

I was unsure about my eldest and what I would do with her until we had a talk. I decided to not mess with a good thing. She likes school right now. She is excited about learning. To pull her out of a scene she likes, when she is doing so well, would not be ideal. So I told her that the minute she stops feeling excited about learning, to tell me. She agreed.

Stolen

I had more vivid dreams last night. The first one had me feeling nervous. My family and I were going on a trip together. As we were leaving, I discovered that I had lost my debit card. I later found that all my credit cards were also gone. I spent most of the dream trying to figure out what had happened, retracing my steps to see when someone could have taken them. It came down when I had left my things in a hotel.

The hotel had been temporary. My husband had just gone into a room and stored our stuff without paying for it. I remembered leaving my purse on the bed when we went to eat. The cards had disappeared after that and I blamed my husband for not doing the right thing and paying for the hotel. I was also concerned about identity theft.

In one particular scene of the dream I sat waiting to leave with my “family”. We sat outside, no home or place to call our own, and I felt I had nothing left. No money, no home, no possessions. The trip seemed not exciting anymore. I felt very disappointed and like a failure.

fairy_by_brandrificus-d5b03o7Store

We ended up leaving and stopped by a store. I had suggested we get some food. We went inside and I had two children following me – a boy and girl – though they were not my children. I could not find what I wanted but the kids found some pets they wanted, tiny bug-like creatures. I went up to one and looked at it closely. It turned into a beautiful fairy-like woman right before my eyes. We spoke, though I don’t remember what we said now. She smelled sweet and was rose colored. I put out my hand, asking her to shrink back into the tiny winged creature she had been, but she never did.

The boy had taken a cage with him and tried to get me to buy it. I told him no and he set it down. I saw what looked like a shell with something inside it but I still do not know what kind of “bug” it was. It did have a magical feel to it, though.

Betrayal

The dream changed and I found myself in a long, white hallway. It felt as if I were in a hospital but it also had a spaceship feel to it. I saw a little girl who was dragging her foot. She was very pretty and friendly and we spoke. She said she was looking for her mommy. There was again a very, pretty rose color about her, similar to the fairy I saw before.

After a little while the little girl said she had to go, her mommy was coming. A very professional looking woman came down the hall and a strange blue light, like a beam, hit her and the girl was sucked into it. Her and her mother became one and moved away. I noticed they were not alone and that they seemed oblivious to my presence.

Suddenly they began putting on masks. I knew they had been conditioned to withstand some kind of deadly chemical and masks were part of this. I watched as one took a breath with the mask, confident he would live. Unfortunately he began to gag and suffocate right before my eyes. I heard a woman say, “What a waste of money that was” and knew they had spent much time and money engineering these people to survive this poisonous gas.

That is when I awoke to the song, “If You Leave”.

wind_fairy1Interpretation

It don’t know exactly what these dreams mean, but if I put them together with the song they seem to indicate that I was having in-depth conversations with my guides about the prospect of me leaving this life earlier than anticipated. I feel I was being shown what failure would feel like in the first dream. Losing my identity was a big part of that dream, which is very much like losing hope and/or focus in life.

In the second dream I feel like I was being shown that there is still hope and that I will be helped. I was looking for food and, though I couldn’t find what I wanted, I was drawn to a mystical creature that filled me with fascination and curiosity.

In the last dream I feel we were discussing my concerns about the futility of life, how so much work seems to be needed for something destined to be a failure. There was an element of our oneness there, though, in that of the little girl who was forever connected to her mother.

Gecko

I have been seeing geckos in my house. In total there have been five. Gecko’s message is to pay attention to your dreams and listen to your intuition. Being my dreams have been so vivid, I figure they must be trying to tell me something. I am paying attention but I can’t help but feel there is a part of me making a decision that I have little control over. There is a feeling of dread attached to it, but it is very slight. I can only leave it to the divine as it must be something I am not yet meant to know.

 

 

 

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Skunk – June, 2013

gtotem_skunkFor the past week, skunks have been showing. I have not yet seen one, but nonetheless they are around. The first couple of times they were on the T.V. so I didn’t really take notice. Then this morning my mom comes over and says, “You have a BIG skunk coming toward your house!” She then told me where he was. When I looked, I didn’t see him.

Even though skunk has not made his presence known to me directly, I think I should take note of what he has to teach me. The skunk shows us how to be peaceful and when to fight back. Some key words are prudence, protection, confidence, awareness, effectiveness, good judgement, and awareness. The skunk reminds us to be calm and centered in times of stress and anxiety. It also shows us how to use our own better judgement about when to act in defense of ourselves. Finally, the skunk shows reminds us that what we think of ourselves is how other will perceive us and to be wary of how we present ourselves to others.

The skunk as a totem indicates the coming of opportunities which will bring out new respect and self esteem. He indicates lessons associated with increased sensuality physically, sexually, psychically, and spiritually. He reminds us to examine our self-image and that people are going to take notice. You can control how others view you – you are in control of this. This message is a good one for me, so I am grateful to skunk for sharing it with me.

Yesterday I spent the day in a haze. It is hard to describe my emotional state except to say I felt numb – emotionless. So it was no surprise that I broke into tears when I got home after getting some bad news even though the bad news was really trivial.

I have to stop holding in my emotions and putting up the front that I am okay. But I know better than to show the people I work with my emotions. They ask too many questions and I feel weak and exposed. I am told I need to talk to my husband more. I know I do, there just doesn’t seem to be any time to.

My sleep has been fitful to say the least. I wake up several times a night and then go back to sleep. When I wake in the morning after a night like this I feel lethargic and tired. So, last night I took something to help me sleep hoping it would help. It did, but I still woke up twice.

I don’t remember much of my dreams but what I do remember is confusing. In one dream I was visiting a woman’s house. She lived in the country and I remember seeing her home, a white single-wide trailer house, sitting amongst a green field that was fenced off from other parts of the land which was owned by the neighbors. When I got to the house there was a woman, someone I knew in the dream but I have no idea who she was. She had children and I remember seeing a very tall slide set up in the yard for her kids. I remarked that it was too high and was reassured that it was safe. We were talking about various things, most I can’t remember. One thing I remember is that my brother was dead – murdered. I felt like I needed to cover it up for some reason. The rest of the conversations are lost to me. I just remember that at some point, the woman, whose appearance was that of an older woman in her 40s with blonde stringy hair, turned into a man who was making sexual advances toward me. As I was giving into his advances I heard a male voice yell very loudly, “Hey! Stop it!” I woke suddenly and my heart was pounding. I tried to relax but couldn’t. I listened to see if someone in my house needed help, but it was quiet. Then I remembered the name of the lady I was talking to in my dream – Linda. Who is Linda?, I thought. But for some reason I felt I should remember the name. And, Why was someone yelling at me to stop? 


 I fell back to sleep and continued to dream about Linda. In this dream, however, Linda was a computer virus and I remember being frantic on how to rid my computer of this virus. I don’t remember the specifics of the dream, though. I was rudely awakened by my alarm. Again my heart was pounding when I woke up.

Part of me is kicking myself for taking something to help me sleep. I think my dreams would have made more sense if I hadn’t. However, I could not help but wonder, What should I stop? and Who is Linda?  


 I recognized that computers usually signify communication. I also recognized that I felt good this morning. My outlook was – is positive. I also was reminded that when I get good news, or when I am really angry, I tend to reveal too much and blurt out things that I shouldn’t. I was reminded of times that I have done this. So, I concluded that the dream’s message was: Be careful. Think before you speak. I also worried that the computer message was literal – to be careful about what I reveal online. So today I will be monitoring myself more closely and keeping my mouth shut more than usual. This message is very similar to what the skunk totem symbolizes. Hopefully I can avoid whatever pitfall I was being warned about.

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Turtle – May, 2013

Turtle has visited both my dreams and my waking life in the last 24 hours. I noticed him right away. The first sighting came yesterday on my way home from work. He was so big and stretched out that I thought he was a large lizard. I slowed down and looked closer and saw he was in fact a very large turtle. I immediately thought about how the shell protects the turtle and acts as a portable home. I also recognized that this turtle seemed to be on the move.


 Perhaps the turtle made a bigger impression than I realized because last night I dreamed of turtles. In fact, that part of the dream was probably the most vivid and I remember being curious about them. I thought, Why are there so many turtles? In the dream a lady was releasing the turtles into a lake near a pier and I was standing on the pier looking at them. It was a large turtle and many smaller turtles. I lost count of how many there were but it seemed like it was a mother and her babies. 


 Then this morning on my drive in to work I saw a large turtle in the middle of the road. This one was tucked inside his shell waiting for the cars to pass over him. I could just barely make out his nose poking out. I worried he would be hit and even thought  to stop and pick him up and put him on the other side of the road. But then I realized if he crossed he would be in a field. On the other side of the field was the highway. It seemed like he was heading for his death. 


 It has been a long time since turtle has popped up this often in my life, so I realized I should take note of the message he brings me. Turtle symbolizes endings and new beginnings. Turtle can also mean the completion of one phase that leads into a new cycle of opportunity. This new cycle will be more successful and include recognition. Turtle also can symbolize a willingness to begin a new cycle after the completion of a difficult cycle, a feeling of connection to the universe and one’s mission, travel, or a change in job or residence. Turtle reminds us to be patient, pay attention to the details and recognize that our hard work is about to pay off. It is important that if one has indeed reached the end of a cycle that the cycle is suppose to end and that one should recognize that they are indeed ready for this new cycle to begin. Turtle is slow and takes his time. This slowing down helps one take notice of that which is around them. Those who move fast and are impatient often make hasty decisions that could result in negative outcomes. Turtle reminds us to slow down so as to not miss important opportunities.


As I reflect on the message turtle brings me, I remember Steven telling me “be patient” and “wait”. I get a feeling that the time is not yet to make any decisions. Just this morning I thought I would just resign and not work anymore – I am tired of being concerned about my job and my future career. I just want to take a break. Summer break is fast approaching and I could sell my house and move and leave all this behind me. Then I read about turtle’s message and I think, “Not yet”. It is frustrating. I am not one to slow down and be patient. I want to move on already!


 But I will listen to this message and slow down. I will take notice of what is going on around me, listen to my intuition and trust that the direction my life is going is where I am suppose to be going. It will all work out and it will be what is best for me and those in my life who I love. 

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Totems: Geckos, Tarantulas and Owls – Oct, 2012

For about a month I have been seeing geckos of all sizes around and in my house. The first sighting came late at night as my family and I drove home in the rain. As we opened our garage door at least a dozen of the tiny lizards scattered up and into the garage. I remember commenting about how many there were. As time passed I began noticing them here and there, mostly hanging around the outside lights of our house looking to catch a meal. One night I almost stepped on a baby one in my house. I quickly tried to catch it but it was fast, hopping (not running) away from me like a flea. It was really hard to catch but I finally got it. Just in time, too because my 20 month old son was trying to step on it (he thought it was a bug). I caught it and cupped it in my hand and peered down at it. It was so tiny and nearly translucent, its tan colored skin so thin and fragile. I let my daughter and son see it and then let it go outside.

I have always thought geckos were beautiful creatures and I remember as a child  finding a dead one behind our piano. I grieved for the little creature. He was nothing but a skeleton but I remember thinking of how he might have looked alive and it saddened me to see him dead.

I found another blog that explains what the gecko totem says here. Gecko is about restoring order and preventing conflict by acting rather than remaining passive. He reminds one to pay attention to their dreams. This is significant to me in that I had decided to stay out of some family drama that has been occurring. This may not be the best course of action, however, because gecko reminds me that if I don’t intervene that the problem will continue and may get worse. Thank you, gecko, for reminding me of that fact.

Two nights ago a tarantula was on my front porch. He was very large and beautiful. I let my daughter come out with me to look at him. She wanted to touch him but we left him alone. Texas tarantulas are passive creatures who don’t bite but they are very sensitive and I didn’t want to stress him out.

According to this site, the tarantula reminds one to remember that the past affects the future. He also reminds us of the power we have to manifest, especially via our written and spoken words. Spiders are always a reminderA tarantula, Aphonopelma sp. Photo by Jackman. of the infinite and the spiritual. I enjoy seeing them in my life and dreams. I am grateful that tarantula came to visit me and my daughter and that we could enjoy his beauty.

By the way, you don’t have to believe in totems in order to receive their messages. I learned of them from a book by Ted Andrews called Animal Speak. If you are interested, I highly recommend the book. He writes that animals, birds, even insects have symbolic significance in our lives and can bring with them a message from our guides. If you notice an animal/bird/insect that is out of place, uncommon or in your path, it is a good idea to see what message it brings as it could help you in life. As you begin paying attention you will find certain animals/birds/insects visit you more frequently than others and you have a significant liking for them as well. These are your totems; your “other” guides.

The owl is one of my main totems, though he hasn’t visited me in a while. He is a very appropriate totem for me as he represents clairvoyance. My first face-to-face encounter with owl was when I was 8yrs old. My father hit one with his car and we all got out to see if he was dead. My dad reached down to pick him up and it clenched his hand, spreading his massive wings and flapping them. He definitely wasn’t dead! It was a Great Horned Owl and he was magnificent. I will never forget that encounter! I also had a familyPhoto: A great horned owl thrashing its wings of Great Horned Owls that often perched on my house when I lived in Montana. They are magnificent creatures!

My most recent encounter with the owl was a couple of years ago. He was sitting in the middle of the road that connects to our driveway. He just sat there and looked at me even though my headlights were shining in his face.

Some people grow very fond of their totem, (like me) collecting objects or figures of them, hanging pictures of them on their walls or researching them. I have a little owl figurine on my bookcase and use to be drawn to my grandmother’s owl pictures and statues as a child.

What is your totem? What message have they brought to you recently?

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The Nurturing of Innocence

My husband is out of town so my sleep was interrupted more than usual since I didn’t have any help with our baby. It seemed to makes no difference, however, to my dreams. I had a couple very vivid and detailed dreams last night.

vampire babyVampire War

This dream was very intricate. I could write an entire novel from the details of just this one dream! In summary, however, the dream entailed the events leading to and culminating in a war between vampires and humans.

I don’t know which side I was on but I think I was on the human side, at least at first. The beginning of the dream included the revelation to me, my family and other humans, that vampires lived among us and they were tired of being hidden. The vampires came after children first. Not only did they kill them but they also created tiny vampires out of them. In one vivid scene, a vampire baby was birthed by a vampire mother. This was a shock in itself because vampires cannot have children! Yet, in the dream, I witnessed the birth of a baby vampire and then the other vampires forced me to allow the baby vampire to feed on my middle son.

After this horrific scene, the dream continued with me and other humans running and hiding from the vampires. I recall hiding inside a home that was enormous and very elaborate. It turned out the home was of the vampire queen and that is where I discovered that a war had been waged against humanity. The vampires were winning, too.

In a particularly vivid scene of the dream, I recall a conversation I had with a vampire. I believe it was the queen. She showed me, in my mind, how it was pointless to fight them. I saw in my mind scenes of countless humans giving up and giving in to the vampires. All of the agreed to allow to be drained of blood and then transformed into undead, blood thirsty vampires. The numbers of humans left was very small and was shrinking. She tried to convince me that there was no sense in fighting the inevitable. I felt such a loss and hopelessness that when I awoke to my baby crying all I could think about was the scene where the baby vampire was drinking from my son. The impossible feeling of being unable to do anything about it hung over me as I held by baby and rocked him back to sleep.

Interpretation

I am not completely sure what this dream symbolizes, but the feeling it left me with was complete powerlessness. I felt so completely unable to do anything to make a difference in what happened; apathetic. The struggle between “good” and “evil” here is what really stands out. The “evil” could very well be death and the “good”, life. This makes the most sense to me after yesterday’s early morning OBE where I was asked “Do you really want to kill yourself”. The question has been haunting me and was likely what created this dream. The choice in the dream was about whether to succumb to “death” or to resist and continue on with “life”. I never made a decision in the dream. I just stood there in limbo feeling that I had no power in the decision and my fate was already sealed.

Accident

When I rocked my baby to sleep I was able to return to sleep quite quickly. Unfortunately, another disturbing dream awaited me.

In this dream I had agreed to watch my children as well as my two, young nephews who are 3 years and 1 year old. I recall getting the baby bag and all the supplies and saying goodbye to my husband and his brother. I stayed with the children and time passed quickly at first. Then, as it approached bedtime, the youngest of my nephews began wanting his bottle and I dug around in his bag to get it but could not find it. At the same time my other nephew got into some trouble so my attention went to him. He got hurt but I can’t remember how now. When I went to retrieve the bottle for his brother I reached into the bag and found that the 1 year old had been in it. I pulled him out and when I did two wooden stakes came out of his eyes. I was aghast and freaked out because his eyes were bleeding. The tiny wooden rods seemed to not have hurt them but I worried he would lose his vision. I called my husband who told m to take them to the hospital. I fretted over what I had allowed to happen, worrying they would blame me and make us pay for the hospital visit even though it was an accident.

Interpretation

When I awoke this time to my baby’s cries I was perturbed. Why was I having such weird, blood filled dreams? Also, I felt very unhappy about being awakened. Baby was inconsolable for some reason and this only irritated me further. But I finally got him to sleep by walking him in his stroller. I returned to bed a half hour later but could not sleep. 

The visual that stayed with me from this dream was the bleeding eyes of my nephew. The symbolism here is that there is some deep pain and internal conflict within me that needs to be address. To see eyes bleeding can also represent sacrifices and difficulties experienced in life. I feel this is very accurate for me since the previous morning’s OBE still haunts me even today and when I awoke from this dream I kept asking to sleep, not wanting to waken and confront the day ahead of me.

I Can See Clearly Nowview

What is really weird about these strange dreams and the feelings that come with them is that I keep hearing the Johnny Nash song, “I Can See Clearly Now” over and over in my head. This started yesterday afternoon and I could not get the song out of my head. Even as I fell asleep I was singing it over and over. When I woke up this morning it returned to me.

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

My first thoughts to the lyrics were, “Yeah right”. Then I began wondering if perhaps it meant that things were going to get better. By this morning I figured the only thing that I needed to focus on was the first line since that is what I kept singing in my mind the most. But what is “clearly”? Does it mean that these feelings of failure and apathy that I am having are the “clear” part? If so, it sure doesn’t seem clear and there isn’t any sunshine to my day, that is for sure. Not even literally. An the “obstacles”, what are those? Life? Because all I see is more of the same and it bores me.

The Nurturing of Innocence

As I contemplated these things while lying in my bed dreading getting up, I began to drift back to sleep. I was shocked back into wakefulness by a vision of a young girl running through my line of sight. She had blond hair and was vividly bright. But she was lost the minute I tried to focus on her. All I could make out was her blonde hair and that she was wearing a dress dotted with daisies.

It happened again not long after but this time I saw the title of what appeared to be a book written out in front of me. It read, “The Nurturing of Innocence” in bold black letters that moved across my line of sight so close I could not avoid seeing them. With it came a knowingness that this was my job right now, though I rejected it immediately and went back to hating my life and its boring predictability.

Now as I contemplate the message I was given, I understand that my initial thought that this time in my life right now is meant to be devoted to my children was correct. I knew this when we put our house up for sale. I knew this when I left my job. I knew this when we moved into our new house. Yet I feel so bored with it now and I do not know what I am suppose to be doing. Surely it can’t just be what I have been doing? Should I be home schooling? Should we be going on field trips together as a family? Should I be interacting with other mothers?

All the above sounds boring to me. Sigh. Maybe it is suppose to be boring? Maybe if I do it enough I will like it? And this dread of starting back to work, what is that about? Is it because I don’t belong there, or is there more “nurturing” to be had there that I need to involve myself in?

I can’t tell which is the true me and which is my ego creating these feelings. They are all knotted up together and making it very difficult for me to see clearly……Oh, maybe that is what the song means? Perhaps the clarity is coming but I have just yet to get to that instance when the “ah ha” moment hits me? Part of me guesses that will likely to happen once I start work.

220px-Bouguereau-LinnocenceWith the title of the book I saw still bothering me, I decided to Google it. Interestingly enough I found it linked to Homeschooling blogs. Homeschooling. Hmmm. I have considered homeschooling but have been too lazy and a bit scared to do it. I am not an elementary teacher. All my training has been with older kids. Yet even yesterday I considered it again because my daughter’s soon-to-be 1st grade teacher seemed to be sleep walking through life. I could see the brain dead haze in her eyes. Ugh!

This is one of the blogs I found: The Nurturing of Innocence and Naivete. What do you think? Part of me wants to go into the school today and withdraw my little girl before her teacher makes learning and life painful and miserable. Yet, a part of me says to wait and see. There are pieces of the puzzle yet to be revealed. Perhaps I have more to learn?

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Five OBE’s

I was awakened at 6:30am by my middle child looking for me. I did not want to get up but followed him down the stairs and saw that my mother-in-law had been at our home but was not there at present. Her stuff was there, though, and our baby was gone. I assumed she was out shopping and would be back so let my son play and went back upstairs. I asked my oldest, who was awake, to go down with him and I curled up in her bed.

First OBE

I fell back to sleep easily and suddenly found myself fully aware in the midst of a sexual dream. I was in my bed with my husband about to do “the deed” but when I looked up to see him this old, gray haired, skinny, wrinkly guy was staring at me with a smile on his face. I wondered who he was but couldn’t place him. He did not scare me until he pointed down to his manhood. When I looked down I saw this huge penis that had to be three feet long. I immediately popped back into my body and then lay there, eyes closed wondering what had just happened.

Second OBE

I must have fallen back to sleep and was immediately back OOB. This time my vision was gone and I was alone. I knew that I needed to open up my root chakra so my energy would flow better and I could stay OOB. I don’t know how I knew this, though. I felt around and found a wall and pressed up against it. When I did, I felt my root chakra activate a little but I tried not to focus on it. Instead I was just waiting, as if knowing something was about to happen.

I felt the familiar shift in energy that says I have moved from one location to another. I don’t know how this happened or when, it just did. I found myself in my bedroom again and immediately moved toward the door to leave. I do not remember the room much except that it was my bedroom. What is odd is that the bed was on the wrong side of the room.

stormcloudsI flew down our stairs to the living area below. That is when the lights seemed to come on and my vision became clear and vivid. Everything was shifty, though, as if it were not real and was in the process of being created. I saw my mother-in-law and two oldest children. I also saw furniture all over that was not ours. It very gaudy looking with large, print flowers in bright colors. I looked specifically at a loveseat that was green with tiny white flowers on it.

My daughter was yelling something at me, trying to get my attention. She was excited and running around me, as was my son. This is common and can be quite irritating but I just ignored it and looked for the front door. When I found it I intended to open it but never did, I just went to the other side of it.

When I went outside I encountered an unfamiliar scene. There was snow on the ground and I could see houses with pointed roofs spread out in front of me. I was in a subdivision but not the one I live in in real life. The houses were identical and also multicolored. Some pink, others red, some yellow, others blue. They were not as bright as the furniture inside the house, though. This might have been because the sky was gloomy and heavy with clouds. If I could have felt the temperature it would have been very cold.

I looked around for a moment and then lifted up and took flight. I didn’t know where to go, so I just hovered over the tops of the houses for a while. Then I noticed the one house across the street from mine was broken. It actually looked like pieces of a puzzle. I could see entire sections in 3D and see the furniture and fixtures inside each piece. I flew closer to inspect and tried to stop but I felt swept away by something/someone. I got a communication not to inspect the home that was without words. I ignored it, slowed down, and attempted to touch the top of one of the pieces of the home. The roof peeled away revealing another roof. The whole time I could feel my astral body being pulled away from the piece. I remember saying to the voiceless voice something about how it wasn’t right for the roof to peel away.

I guess I did the wrong thing because I felt the familiar pull back to my body.

Third OBEwhite kitten

I immediately intended to return and found myself back inside my bed in my bedroom. I could see the green colored covers of our quilt and a woman was standing next to me, talking to me. She presented me with a tiny, white kitten. I focused upon the kitten, feeling its soft fur and snuggling with it. I saw its tiny little eyes and ears and looked at its tummy as I scratched it. It was the sweetest thing! The whole time the woman stayed with me, talking, but I don’t remember what she said as I was too focused on the kitten. However, towards the end of petting the kitten I heard my daughter say, “She can’t have a cookie!” and I saw in my mind a round, sugar cookie. I also knew that the cookie was special and if eaten would take the person to glorious worlds.

Fourth OBE

Again, I felt the familiar sensation of returning to my body but immediately intended to return and so I did. I was again in my bedroom and rather than stick around for more kittens and talk of cookies, I flew up and out of my bed. I went to the window and could not see out of it. I set the intention to leave and the next thing I knew I was outside the house at the front door staring at the same snow covered ground and multicolored houses with pointed roofs.

I again flew up and over the tops of the houses. This time I was singing, but now I can’t remember what I was singing. I do remember catching myself singing and thinking how I was making up the song as I went. It made me smile.

As I lifted higher I made sure not to go too high, remembering how I would often times be swept up and out into space, which I didn’t like to do. I never knew where to go once that high and it always resulted in an end to my OBE. So I traveled over the tops of the houses until the scene changed to that of a city. I could see the gray colored rooftops of buildings spread out below me. Even though I was singing and happy, the scene continued to seem shifty and gray. If I looked too hard at something it would ripple as if the image were not real but just a holograph.

I came to a brown wood building, I think it was a church, and decided to settle down on the ground. I walked along the streets for a while and stopped singing when I spotted a group of thugs bullying a young man. There was about five of them, all wearing dark sweatshirts with hoods. They were also all dark complected. The young man they were bullying was wearing similar attire and was also dark complected. I could hear them shouting at each other and the leader of the group held a metal stick of some sort in his hand.

I immediately flew over and landed right in front of the group between them and their prey. I could see their faces clearly and looked from one to the other. The leader looked familiar to me and I recognized him to be someone I knew. I was shocked that he would be doing something so awful and remembered a similar shock I had when I knew him in this life. As I looked at his face, it shifted like everything else, but I remembered his name and felt sad for him. In real life I watched him change from a promising young man into a dark, angry one. I remember thinking it sad that he had all this light yet was allowing himself to be overcome with darkness.

I grabbed the metal stick out of his hand and yelled at him to leave the guy alone, telling him he knew better. The metal staff was in fact a fire poker and the pointed tip came inches from his nose. They all smirked at me but the leader backed off and the young man they were taunting took off in the other direction.

Fifth OBE

I stayed in the street for some time but what I did is lost to me. It seems that I lost interest in the OBE at some point, though, and came back into my body. I stayed there for a while, wondering what time it was and feeling an urge to wake up, but I was not ready to yet. I wanted to go back and look for my grandmother. Surely if I was encountering people in astral I could find her since she had been so close to me these last few days?

Within moments of setting my intention, I left my body and found myself standing once again at the door to my home. As I went through the door I thought, “There will be no snow” and sure enough I saw bare ground. Yet this time there was an eerie silence that surrounded me and everything. The sky was still gray but as I looked about the scene changed and the sky was blocked from my vision. Instead of being in the subdivision as before I was standing inside what appeared to be an atrium made of metal and glass that rose hundreds of feet above me. I could see that the structure was huge and completely enclosed. I knew I would likely find no way out.

I flew up, watching the gray metal beams continue despite how high I flew. I searched for people, for movement, but found none. All I saw were more metal beams supporting massive amounts of glass. I called out, “Nanny!” several times, but my voice just echoed, unheard.

At some point I reached the top of wherever I was. I felt hope then and soared up and looked down below me at the conglomeration of metal and glass. The sky brought more light to my vision and I recognized that I had felt suppressed, almost claustrophobic, up until this point.

Then I saw motion below me. I spied a woman with short, dark hair wearing a gray blue jogging suit running along the top of one of the metal and glass buildings. I flew down towards her yelling,”Nanny?”

When I reached her she stopped and looked at me. I saw her face, shifty like the others and like everything else. She at first appeared medium skinned with a deeply etched wrinkled face. She was definitely not my grandmother but she was old. I again asked, “Nanny?” She just looked at me and her face shifted to a lighter color but the wrinkles remained. I asked her, “Have you seen my Nanny?” She replied, “No. I haven’t seen anyone around here”. She mumbled something else and then looked straight at me and asked, “Do you really want to kill yourself?” Shocked at her question, I pulled back and away from her. Then I awoke suddenly in my body and immediately opened my eyes. I again felt a need to get up, so I did. It was 8:30am.

Reflection

In considering these OBE’s, I am certain I was in the lower astral plane somewhere. I was not in a horrible place but it was definitely not as wonderful as places I have been in the past. The part that sticks out to me the most is how shifty the images were. They appeared clear at first but the more I focused upon them, the more they shifted and changed. Because of this I feel that all of it was a reflection of myself, even the people I met up with. I don’t know what to make of my experiences this morning except that I was being shown aspects of myself that need tending to. I withdrew from the last experience the most because the question asked was so forward and unexpected. I wish I could have stayed and told the woman, “No” and explained, but I guess that was not meant to be.

by

Between Life Memory – August, 2011

I keep being amazed by the things I am remembering. Today I remembered the moments before I entered into this body. I had always remembered seeing Earth and feeling drawn to come down into a body, but I could not remember anything more. Well, I did today.

I remembered walking along a path with a woman who I instantly recognized as “Mom” but not from this life but maybe another one but I cannot place the life at this time. She had shoulder length brown hair that was very smooth and pulled back from around her face. She was smiling and very happy. I can still see her clearly. She was excited and encouraging. The place where we were was very bright and looked like Earth with green grass, trees and blue sky. I could see benches along the path that were bright white and the walkway we were walking on was lined with a similar white stone edging.

The woman walked with me to a domed shaped building. It was not very large and seemed almost out of place as it was just sitting at the end of the path. It was a light gray color, almost reminding me of a space craft. Inside the building it was very dark. I was led to a chair. I sat down and was given something.  It looked like a book, but the pages were not full of words but images that played like a movie. The book-like object showed me images from the life I was about to go into. The images were fast moving; too fast to see specific details, and moved page to page, flipping one over the other. However, I do remember talking to the woman about my older sister, who was already born.

Then the woman turned me in my chair to face a large screen. This was where I was prepared to go into life. I think they erased my memories then but can’t remember, which I think is the point. 🙂 I just remember seeing a black screen that was not flat but more curved around the edges, as if it were going with the contours of the dome we were inside of.

When I was finished “preparing for life” I was swiveled around in my chair yet again. This time I saw an image of Earth below me. At this point I felt nervous as well as excited. I could sense the presence of a man to my left, but I could not see his face. His voice was deep as he said, “It is time”.  I got really nervous when I heard his voice but I felt pulled downward. I also felt needed, as if there were people in life who were calling for me. That is the last thing I remember of life on the Other Side. The next memory is being aware of the inside of my mother’s womb.

by

Beach

 

Summer break is almost over. My daughter starts 1st grade on Monday and my son has been attending a part-time Montessori school since the beginning of August. I begin my new counseling job on the 1st and I am not looking forward to it. I wish I could stop time and just maintain what I have now, but that is not how it works.

Beach

Last night I had dreams that I think reflected some of my concerns about moving forward. In one particularly vivid dream I was asked to cook for a large, church gathering. I decided to cook a very large meatloaf. I The meatloaf was at least two feet long and six inches wide! There is more to the dream but I do not wish to recount it at this time.

However, I did have a very vivid beach dream. In the dream I initially found myself in a large school building. It was for grades K-5. I walked through the halls, not knowing where to go. I had come in as expected but had no idea where to go or what to do.

I went into a classroom where some high school aged kids were sitting and working on an assignment. It was a history class. A dark haired girl sat across from the others and separate. She was antsy and not able to stay focused. I volunteered to help her work through the questions one by one. She accepted my help. The teacher sat behind the desk and as I was leaving I saw what looked like a dead bug and told him about it. When I looked closer, it was the remains of a brown, dried out Christmas tree.

I looked for my boss but he was busy so I went into the lounge. Inside opened up to this beautiful beach. The ocean went for miles out and the sky was vivid blue. The beach stretched as far as my eyes could see and there were families and children playing in the sand and in the water. To my right I could see mountains in the distance and a carnival set up. To my left was just more beach.

I took pictures of the ocean with my phone but had trouble keeping the people out of the pictures. One little brown haired girl kept getting in the way. Her mother, a pretty blond, sat on the beach and smiled at me. The entire scene made me feel calm and I wanted to stay. I also got a bit confused. Wasn’t I just in a school? I woke up after that, most likely because the confusion brought me too quickly to full consciousness.

This dream is likely a reflection of my concerns about returning to work. Not only am I going to be working primarily with younger children but I am not sure of where to go or what to do when I arrive on my first day. Christmas trees are a reflection of my feelings about relationships and family. Since it is dead, it is likely there is anxiety coming to the surface regarding these things. The beach represents a meeting of mental and spiritual energies and a transition between the material and spiritual. Looking out at the ocean and along the beach is representative of the unknown, major changes about to occur in my life. Because I am calm, the beach suggests the next few weeks will also be calm.Unfortunately, the carnival could mean there is deception and that falsehoods exist. It can also indicate that what is thought to be a good thing actually is a bad thing. 


 Who Am I? 

When I woke up this morning I was not in a good mood. I sense more difficult lessons ahead for me and I am not looking forward to them. What they will be, I don’t know, but I do not feel excited as I should. Instead I want to withdraw and hide. I feel that I could retreat but ultimately I will not feel much better about doing so and that the lessons will occur despite me trying to avoid them.

There exists much hopelessness and lack of motivation inside me. I do not understand it completely but I feel it comes from recognizing that I have come into this life primarily to assist others and that my own, personal goals and aspirations will fall short. It seems to be my nature to want recognition and because of that I will get little to none. Knowing this creates such a loss in me. I do not know how to overcome it. I know I should find my happiness in the successes of others, but I do not. I feel so horribly flawed and guilty about being so selfish. I also know, deep inside, that I am very different than this when not in a body. Why is it so hard to be the real me? 

I recognize my internal conflict on a daily basis. It is the classic “devil on one shoulder, angel on the other” scenario. I know I am not alone in feeling and experiencing this constant struggle with myself, yet I do anyway. A part of me seems out to sabotage everything my true self desires. Ego I guess, but giving it a name matters not. I honestly do not want to live another life like this. I so hope that whatever lessons I came here to learn, I learn well so I don’t have to do this again.

by

Music of the Night

As I was laying in bed last night trying to go to sleep, I began to see images flash through my mind. This is not unusual. It typically means I am nearing sleep and sometimes it means I am nearing the point where I can exit my body. I began seeing images of people and things long ago after my spiritual awakening, so I am use to having these things occur. However, the frequency of such occurrences has decreased significantly since 2007. I guess because I have been so busy creating and raising a family.

Inner Childlittle-angel-wallpaper_1280x1024_78423

I really took no notice of the images because I was talking to one of my guides as I drifted off to sleep. We were discussing my current concern about not enjoying life. I started the conversation but it felt as if it were one that had been started previously, though I had no memory of it. When I brought up the question of how I could enjoy life more and my guide told me that I needed to find her, the me buried deep inside who held my joy. When he said this, I knew he meant what many call the “inner child” – the one who feels joy, loves life and lives in the moment. I also thought of my 4 month old son and how he was pure joy to me.

When I recognized what my guide was saying, I noticed emotion begin to well up from within. However, rather than be overwhelmed with it, I merely saw it there and made it stay. I did not allow myself to feel it. This was odd to me as it seemed that I could see it there within me, a ball of greenish-blue, swirling color. If I touched it with my mind, I would feel the emotion. If I let it go, I merely knew it was there. When I questioned my guide about it, he said I could control my emotion and I understood that I could. It was very interesting to me. I remembered in my early astral travels how I had to control my emotion or else I would not maintain astral. Perhaps I could do the same in life?

Visit

The conversation continued and I must have started to doze. That is when the images became more clear. I don’t remember most of them but I do remember the last one. As I saw it I mentally exclaimed, “That was Nanny!”.

The image I saw was of my grandmother with her back to me. I saw her hair pulled up in a bun like she always wore it, I could even make out the streaks of gray in her fading brown hair.

Excited, I wondered if she were there and immediately knew she was. I said to my guide, “She’s here, isn’t she?” Without waiting for an answer, I began to talk to her. It was not long before I heard her reply, “I miss you”.

After acknowledging her and perceiving her message, I began to allow myself to drift back to sleep. I was still thinking about what my guide and I had been talking about. He was telling me, “We will help you”. I was asking if I could change my astral experiences so that I could learn how to release my inner child. My guide mentioned family and as if he and I became one, I knew that my family would come to visit my dreams. I specifically thought of those that were living and began to fantasize about astral traveling with them, especially with my baby boy.

It was at that time that my thoughts were interrupted by a voice calling my name. It was very loud, as if I were being yelled at. The sound of my name being yelled startled me. I instantly recognized that my grandmother had called my name. I told her, “You don’t have to yell. You scare me when you do that. You made my heart pound!”.

I immediately felt her close and knew she was with me. My heart continued to pound, but not because I was scared but because I had experienced something so rare. Not only was it my own family member who was trying to contact me, which is rare in itself, but the way she went about it was new and unusual even for Spirit who is not family.

What was new about it? Yes I hear Spirit often but 99% of the time it is as if it is my own thought. The voice comes from within me yet is separate. It took me a long time to learn to differentiate between my own thoughts and those of Spirit. I am pretty adept at it now and my guide tells me they choose to speak with me this way for two reasons: 1. I can hear them that way and 2. It takes more energy and effort on Spirit’s part to make themselves more noticeable. I also, personally, think they don’t want to scare me or freak me out as it always makes my heart pound. It is similar to how one would feel if they were in bed trying to sleep and a strange voice yelled at them.

I will try to explain how I heard my name called but it is difficult. It echoed in my head rather than coming from outside of me and sounded as if it moved from one side of my head to the other, mimicking someone walking around behind me. It was also very distinctly female. I have heard something similar in movies when they try to replicate what it might sound like if someone were hearing voices. It was very similar so whoever came up with that did a good job of replicating it.

After finally calming down from the initial surprise and awe of being spoken to this way, I settled down and began to talk with my grandmother. I figured she must have something to say if she was going to yell at me, you know?

We talked for quite a while. She told me how smart she thought I was and how much she loved me and missed me. I told her I was not excited about starting my new job in two weeks and she said, “You are smart” as if that were going to dissolve all my concerns. She also indicated that I was worrying over something I should not, especially my worry about working with young children. The image she sent me in my mind was older children – tweens mostly.

My grandmother seemed different from when we last talked which was about a week after her death this past May. I asked her about it because she was so bubbly and happy then and now she seemed more calm and focused. She explained to me that it was still her and that when I last spoke to her she was reveling in the feeling that comes when a person is released from the burden of life and body. She explained that the feeling is such a release that there is a celebration of being reunited with the true Self. She then told me that our true nature is joy. When we return Home we remember that and overflow with ourselves.

We continued to talk for a while after that. It was very obvious to me that she and I were more connected than I ever thought. I did not feel a strong connection with her in this life. I loved her, yes, but I did not trust her and felt a distance between us. She told me that was okay and said, “We are friends”. I knew instantly that she was my soul family. I thought how odd it was that I never felt that in life. I also realized that she was able to speak to me more than my other family in Spirit because I did not grieve her passing like they did. Rather than being hurt by it, she took advantage of it so that she could speak with me. I asked her to continue talking with me in my dreams because I needed to rest. Unfortunately, I could not fall asleep. I kept feeling like I would be missing something if I did sleep.

The Music of the Night

When I did finally fall asleep, I was awakened by my baby crying and had to spend a while walking him in the carriage to get him to go back to sleep. Then my other son woke up. I ended up awake for about a half hour.

When I did fall asleep I found myself in a mansion. I was dressed in 19th century clothing and wore a white, lace shawl over my shoulders. I heard a woman who was with me call me, “Mistress”. I knew instantly that she was the nanny to my child, though I did not see my child.

A man, my husband I presume, came in and was very abrupt in his speaking. He ordered us to wait for him while he was at court and then he left. I remember thinking it was normal for him to go to court. He was also dressed in similar period  clothing to my own – a shirt with an over-sized white collar and tan, embroidered vest.

When left alone, the nanny and I began to talk. I don’t remember what we spoke about but I do believe she was my grandmother from this life, whoalso took care of children. She even appeared similarly, with dark brown, wavy hair.

I remember we went up and down a spiral staircase and then she began to sing. I recognized the song and sang with her, but mostly listened to her. As she sang, we were transported into a cave with tunnels. She stood at the edge of a clear pool of water in the cave as she sang. It had moss and other aquatic plants in it and I could see aquarium fish in it – large, red guppies specifically.

I knew my grandmother was singing “The Music of the Night” from The Phantom of the Opera. I began singing along during phantomone of the times when the song hit a high note. My grandmother sang a lower note and I knew it was because she always sang alto and that I was suppose to sing soprano. I then looked at the pond and said it was beautiful and pointed out the red guppy. It came to the surface as if it thought I were feeding it. It was much larger than it should have been, at least the length of one of my fingers.

I awoke intent on finding the lyrics to the song and when I heard it I got goose bumps all over. I am familiar with the song from my high school days. We played it in marching band. I never learned the words, though. I am not certain of the message but I know that music plays a very important role in my life, both here and on the Other Side. It fills me with joy and being that is what I was talking with my guides about before bed, I am certain they wanted me to remember and tap into that joy.