Category Archives: poety

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Spontaneous Poetry

It has been a strangely revelatory day. I think I finally see some things clearer. Spontaneously, I made a voice recording in an attempt to describe what I was experiencing and below is what came out of my mouth:

I left you in my heart a long time ago.
Only echoes remain.
The distance just grew wider, yet
for some reason I remained.
It was only when I saw you,
truly saw what you could be,
that I decided to go the distance,
I decided to just be me. 

And then this:

In the darkness, in the sorrow,
wretched tangle of misery,
sprouts a leaf on the morrow from a twig that once was me.
A haze forms in the distance, 
a silhouette of something – a mystery, 
only as I gather strength, 
the courage to understand
does that figure slowly turn and look 
before fading into memory. 

And still more….

The shallow breath of a wretched heart
twisted and tangled up inside itself
begging to be freed
oozing from an unseen wound
bleeding notes of regret and abandon 
as it sings a warning to the future:
“Do not tread this way for the path has crumbled 
and is strewn with intolerance of what once was 
and never will be again”.

And finally:

I gave this one a title.

You & Me 

I saw you in myself today,
unseen, desperate, invisible.
No one heard you, no one saw,
when you crumpled to the floor
exhausted, your pleas gone unheard,
your heart broken, desperate to be touched.

I felt you in my tears today, never-ending, 
from a well deep within 
that was filled over the years
by my silence in the face of your agony.

I heard you in my voice today,
defiant and rebellious,
withstanding all forces 
with the last ounces of your strength, 
fist pounding, 
blood boiling, 
eyes wild,
choking on the whispers of the truth 
I couldn’t see.

I felt you in my heart today,
deep in the bottom, 
near the end of the path we traveled together.
There you will remain, 
wrapped in ribbon,
tied in string, 
bundled up 
until I’m ready to open the gift you left for me.

The first felt to be about my ex as I spoke but after I read it I feel it is about myself.
As are the two that follow, each a different aspect of my journey to this point in time.

The last is me recognizing myself in my ex; we are one and the same. I try to express it the best I can, but even now I feel the words are not enough. When I began to speak aloud “I felt you in my heart today”, I choked on tears and it took me a while to continue. That one was the kicker I think because I honestly didn’t think I had anything left in my heart for my ex.

What is interesting is that all of these words came to me independently of one another, without any consideration of what they would say when they came together.

All this because today I had to go through all my texts with my ex since January in preparation for the upcoming mediation. I was at work and somehow no one disturbed me. The time passed without me even noticing. By the end I felt transformed somehow. I think it was my looking at everything from outside of it that did it. 

Final takeaway (the gift perhaps?): I have always wanted my ex to truly SEE me. It seems I rarely saw him. How can I expect someone to see me if I refuse to see them first? 

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Poetry: Woman

She is no shrinking Juliet to any man’s Romeo

She is the sea

No compassionate caresses of pity from her will my plaintive whimpers yield

Test me. Break me. Shatter through my weakness and leave me shivering on your rocky shores

What man can know the moods of the sea?

I gaze into her depths of blue; her eyes of sparkling depths unknown

No man can rape her

Men who try find themselves raped in turn. Broken men upon her scorn

She is not my pool of rest and respite from the treachery of the world

She is here to test me, break me, smash my falsity and ignorance upon her beach of stark realities

Like a masochistic monk I whip myself with her relentless tides

Until I lie helpless and naked upon her shore

Oh keen young inquistor!

Break through my lies and deceits!

Pry from me my hidden innermost secrets and twisted thinking

Leave me exposed and helpless to run back to her seeking solace and finding only her contempt and scorn

Get up Coward; You weakling! Silence your lazy whimpering whines!

You seek a shoulder to cry on? Ha!

The germ, the disease, the gene of scoliosis lies within me.

Waiting.

Like my mother, will it break my spine?

Will it crush my organs?

Bend, cripple, shrink me to a sniveling, whimpering whining twisted wreck of a man as my years stretch into the dusty dismal future?

God let it come! I welcome its twisting dismemberment

Thank God that I have this

Woman

She will pity me not

Rather she will unravel my weakness all the more.

She will craft it, sculpt it, mold it into sterner stuff

And when my weak twisted broken body lies crumpled on the floor a putrid pool of rotting vomit

My soul will take flight to the blue clear vision of her

Rebirth!

And I will gaze with proud confident strength upon her beauty

Her straight angular crisp un-aging undying form

The embodiment of strength and scorn of weak

Oh Woman!

I crush my weakness and Glory in the strength which is yours

Your fierce changing tides test me, challenge me, urge me

To be a better

Man!

~Written by Unknown, Featured artwork by: Imre Szombathy

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Finding the Cure

I meant to post this yesterday but after the video wild goose chase I waited until this morning. Plus, I had an interesting evening. I’ll share that later.

Anyway, I did a video post on a portion of what happened yesterday, but that is only a small portion of the story.

A memory of a poem I wrote, probably in 1993-94, came to mind quite suddenly yesterday morning. It was fitting, considering I awoke feeling that I couldn’t do much more waiting around. Here is the poem:

I cannot stand this idleness
My mind lies dormant; unfocused, dead
My fears rise higher, capsize and break
like waves of water, receding hate.

In the video I posted, I only mentioned the one poem, but I found several others. I don’t write poetry anymore, but I use to all the time. I also use to draw all the time, too, and I must admit I am not too bad an artist. I’m not sure why I stopped. I had poetry and artwork in the last few pages of my memory book. Seeing/reading them really transported me back in time yet I felt that that girl no longer existed. It is almost like my life back then was a past life not connected at all to the current one I am living.

Here are some other poems:

Untitled

From within my soul
blackness thickens,
stealing and spoiling
my good intentions
leaving no feeling
no sorrow, no joy
taking and making
me, its new toy. 

This one had a drawing with it:

Dealing with Dragons

Hot breath of the dead
rides with the wind
to find a fair maiden
whose self cannot fend.

Foulest of creatures
meets bringer of life
no battle or struggle
just internal strife.

Eyes of red fire
look into blue skies
good repels evil
truth reveals lies.

Some other cool info from that year:

A gallon of gas $1.27
A haircut was $6
Concert tickets $20
CDs $14.95
Canned soda $.50
Candy bar $.50
Levi’s jeans $25

Other favorites I listed:

Car: Ford Mustang (lol)
Music: Pearl Jam, Metallica, Guns and Roses, Toad the Wet Sprocket, Alice n’ Chains. Aerosmith, Smashing Pumpkins
TV: Married with Children
Movies: Wayne’s Word, The Adam’s Family Values, Geronimo
Clothing: All black, grunge (hahaha)
Guys: They had to have long hair (what??)
Miscellaneous: peacocks, animals of all kinds, books, dreaming, roses (?), cooking, cookies (lol), eating (LOL), fishing, swimming, hanging out with friends, bowling, going to the movies
Authors I liked: David Eddings, Anne McCaffrey, Tolkien, Piers Anthony. I was really into Fantasy novels and read all.the.time.

I was really active in school, or at least as much as I could be considering my school was so small. I was in One Act Play (yeah no joke) and played tennis. I was also in the Color Guard (captain) and band (saxophone) and a total straight A student. I dropped all of it after graduation, even the straight A student part. I sometimes still play tennis but I am no good at it. lol

Really, though, the song was what I was meant to find when I went to my memory book. What is really synchronistic about the song is that prior to listening to it I had read several posts on the topic of happiness. Then the main words that are heard over and over are “Let’s get happy”. Hmmm Yeah, let’s. The song was a “cure” to my moodiness yesterday.