Tag Archives: Messages

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Merging Unveiled

A while ago now, my guide told me that he and I were in the process of “merging”. I never quite understood everything about merging, but I did recognize that it meant that he would no longer be viewed by me as separate from me. For some reason, the idea of merging was scary to me, especially the thought of losing my companion traveler who has always been by my side in this life.

Recently the subject of merging was brought up in my astral projectors FB group by a friend, Jurgen Ziewe, who is a well-known author of books on astral projection and higher consciousness. He is in the process of writing a book about his personal experience of merging with his Higher Self who he calls his “silent companion”. The discussion question that was asked was about spirit guides. Several individuals wanted more information on spirit guides. I responded by saying, “[My guide] is the quiet inner voice that answers questions I pose to myself both during OBE and out. I found mine through meditation.”

This response was that I was actually describing my Higher Self. To that I replied:

That is what a spirit guide is, at least in my understanding. My primary guide tells me often “I am You” and after this experience I asked what the energy I felt was when I hugged him and he said, “It was You”. I have other guides who he refers to as Assistants. I do not really concern myself with them, though I see them in my dreams as well, especially a female one with an M name. Some say we have a separate guide and I am bit confused as to if this is true since I am regularly told we are all One and separateness is an illusion. I suppose then that the name “guide” is confusing because of this illusion of separateness. From the way my guide feels, he has been with me always and always will be. He is an aspect of myself who Remembers all that Is while I am the aspect that has chosen to Forget. I wish I could remember the story he told me about those who Remember and those who Forget, but it makes so much sense and explains the separateness that we on Earth have chosen for ourselves.

That is when I got the great explanation about merging and what it means from Jurgen:

Yes Dayna, the “guide” feels like a separate presence and it is easy to consider it as such and of course there are no guarantees that they are not separate, which can make it all a bit more complicated. The golden man in your experience could be a manifestation, but If there are guides we perceive as separate and they actually are separate they only serve one purpose, to connect you ultimately to your higher self. I always referred to this awareness of “not being alone”, of this presence in my life, as my “Silent Companion”.

I had a guide before I became aware of this permanent presence in my life. I first came into contact with him, whom I regarded as “my teacher” during an OBE. He was most definitely a separate entity, with his own history, raucous character, attitude, a chap I recognized as a very old friend. He poked fun at me and played games, but always with a lesson attached. He then came to me regularly for several months and put me through a training program, which allowed me later to enter much higher dimensional levels.

That was before my so called “silent companion” showed up, when this happened he no longer featured. Though on occasion other people showed up during OBEs, who took me to places and showed me various things. One of them identified himself as Phil, with a completely different personality to the first guy. He too disappeared, but during the waking hours and the day it was always my silent companion which was the more constant aspect in my life and finally, over a year ago I clearly got to know it. There was no longer any doubt what this aspect was as I merged fully into it, my higher self.

So I still think there are different awarenesses we can be linked to, some are friends, helpers, guides, but I think they respectfully step aside when our awareness of who we are, rises to the fore and we have a direct link to the higher self, the “knower”. You become more confident in that knowledge, but also more humble as your old identifications are gradually pushed to one side. The purpose of the silent companion is union, which is when we merge fully with our higher self.

When this process has finally tipped the balance in favour of our higher self our awareness turns into an awareness of “the stillness of the present moment”, constantly, day and night, unmistakably, unshakable, always, permanently, moment by moment, without break and no knowledge or any clue even of how we could possibly get back to our old separateness. We don’t even remember any more, what it was like as our old self, because it was such a flimsy artifice. Life then changes for good, without return.

I captured it here in the twelve points I noted down, how life is transformed when we merge with our silent companion, which turns into the stillness: The Higher Consciousness.

I am still absorbing and digesting the validation and information I received from this FB conversation. As you all know, I do not often go out in search of books or articles that relate to my experiences. I rarely feel drawn to do this and when I have questioned myself about these tendencies the answers I receive indicate that there is no need for that which is already understood and accepted from the Self. When I have sought after validation through outside sources (outside myself that is) I have found my confidence in myself becomes muddled with questions and self-doubt which only serves to slow down my own spiritual progress. However, such as is this circumstance, lately my answers come to me from without and often do so in larges chunks such as is this case.

It is obvious to me now that merging is part of the process of awakening; IS the awakening. I have noticed that my guide (higher self) is much closer and more ever-present than the previous 7 years. I also recognize that the message I received back in June of this year about my upcoming “death” was in fact not a physical death but a death of the me that I have been throughout this life. I suspected this.

Jurgen describes this “death” of transformation perfectly:

It was as if a cage of frosted glass, which had obscured my vision for so long, had been shattered into billions of tiny pieces and there was simply no longer a way of putting them back together again to form the old frosted cage. Whereas in the past I would take glimpses into higher states of awareness, spontaneously or through meditation, I was inevitably posted back into my old mundane self, striving to find my way back into the clear light of reality which was unimpeded by viewpoints, judgements or personal issues. Now it felt as if the bridges back had been incinerated and for the time being at least I appeared to be permanently located on a new viewing platform with no roadmap back to my old self and any interest whatsoever in returning to my old ways had simply dissipated.

I was given a time period of four years from this past June until the time of “death”. It seems a long time but to be told that it is coming is a gift. My guide spoke to me last night as has been the usual in the evenings since the birth of my son. He reassured me that the coming changes are good and to be patient with myself as I struggle through some of the difficulties of accepting myself back into myself. I asked how to invite him in, and he told me, “It is not something that can be explained in words but something that must be experienced to understand”. Yet I saw in my mind a visual of opening my heart and accepting myself without fear or judgment. With this vision I recognized how much I fear what I will find when I open up to all that I am, have been and will be. To do so without judgment is perhaps the most difficult task of them all because it comes with the human tendency to label ourselves and our choices as “good” or “bad”. For so long it has been whispered to me when I criticize myself for a “wrong” decision, “There are no mistakes, only choices”. How does one step back and view life without labels? How does one ignore the illusions and accept what is before them as it IS with love and acceptance? I shudder to think of the lives I have lived (that I remember) where I have been so horrible that the mere memory of it causes me to withdraw and contract from myself. I can’t do this if I want to reunite with myself. What a huge feat it seems yet my guide reassures me that it is achievable.

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Bullet Holes

Before I went to bed last night, I did not read as is my usual routine. The book I have been reading has me a bit overwhelmed and I need time to process it. So instead of reading, I decided to ask to astral. I said, “I would like to confront my fears and defeat my demons.” I focused on my third chakra as I mentally said this. Then I said, “I would like to see my core Self”. After I said this, I had a bit of fear rise up within me. It was surprising and my guide said, “Okay”.

Finding Daddy

I awoke sometime around midnight and do not remember my dreams. I went back to sleep almost instantly.

I slowly became more and more aware as I was dreaming. At first, the dream is a haze but I do recall being outside of a row of houses in a fairly nice neighborhood. There was a park with bright green grass across from the particular house I was standing in front of. The day was bright but not too bright and I had a feeling it was mid-morning.

I was with several other people, but I do not remember any except one man and one woman. The man was who I was speaking with the most at this time. We were discussing OBEs and how to initiate one. I don’t recall who came up with the idea to try, but I laid down on the front steps of the house after recognizing the heaviness I felt and commenting that I needed to use it to my advantage. At the time I really do not recall feeling “heavy” or anything of the sort, though, which is odd to me.

When I laid down, I close my eyes in the dream and could feel the heavy feeling I had just commented to my friend about. The scene was still there but turned gray as I closed my astral eyes. I was not fully aware just yet but was attempting to bring more consciousness into the experience and I am assuming this was the method that made most sense at this time. I felt my “body” but it was not my physical body. It felt heavy and cumbersome and now that I look back on that moment, I believe I was feeling my etheric body. I don’t remember much about the shift but when it happened I instantly recognized I had achieved my goal of going OOB. All I recall of the feeling now is a funny shifty energy similar to what I feel when I exit my physical body.

When I got OOB (and it is funny because I believe I already was OOB prior) I was elated. I had instant astral vision and was facing the vivid green grass of the park. The sky was blue and spotted with clouds and I reveled in the clarity that surrounded me as I have not had much of that in a while. I could still hear the friend who I had been with but I don’t remember now what he said to me. I turned around, though, suddenly wondering if I could get a glimpse of my body. I looked toward the steps of the house where I knew I had fallen asleep and saw a body, curled up underneath a heavy green and blue blanket, my body!

After seeing my body, for some reason I was surrounded by several men of various ages and we all set off through the park. I immediately began to think of my father and was thinking/saying, “I have to find my Daddy”. We ended up inside a busy restaurant. I think we teleported there because one minute I was in the park and the next I was inside a restaurant. The men were still with me, too.

I looked about, noticing there were many, many people eating and conversing inside the restaurant. It was also a very nice restaurant and the people were all wearing business attire. Most were businessmen of various ages. I looked at them closely, thinking once I saw the back of my Dad’s head after hearing one of the men I was with saying, “Look for him”.

After a few minutes I said aloud, “I don’t think my Dad is here. I don’t think he is in astral anymore”. I felt that he had moved higher up and knowing this made me instantly forget about looking for him.

willowGutted Apartments

As soon as I lost interest in finding my Dad I was transported to yet another scene. This was instantaneous and almost imperceptible. There was no loss in vision that I recall. One minute I was in the restaurant, the next I was standing outside on a paved road underneath a huge weeping willow tree. I stood there dazed for a moment, trying to get my bearings. I looked up and saw the trees heavy, green branches hanging over my head. I then noticed that it was raining a light mist and it was coming down all around me. It was very light rain, just a dusting but enough of it to get wet, although I do not recall feeling “wet” but I did feel the tickle of the rain on my skin. I remember saying aloud, “Come on! I thought I was past this!” as I said this, I saw past the rain a sliver of sunlight peak through rain clouds. I instantly forgot the rain and began to focus upon the tree that was hanging over my head.

I reached up into the tree’s branches and attempted to use it to spring up into the air. As I did, It felt like the tree reached out and wrapped itself around me. I was only able to get about six feet up and then it seemed to gently push me back toward the ground. I tried one more time to get airborne and it happened again. I soon gave up, deciding I was meant to walk, not fly.

It was at the point that I began to look around me. I was standing in a street that led to a large group of apartments that circled a round parking area and street. My vision was still bright and the day still almost cloudless. I scanned the apartments and noted their varying states of decay. Some looked like they had been bombed while others just looked neglected or unfinished. They were all white with several stories and every one of them had no glass in their windows. Instead of windows, there were black, gaping holes that screamed emptiness and isolation.

I did not feel concerned about the apartments as I walked toward them, surveying each of them. I headed toward the last row as I thought I detected a ray of sunlight shining through one of the windows in the very back of one of the apartments. I thought perhaps I could get through to the other side of the apartment, so I went inside.

When I walked in, I noticed the walls were barren, cold and grayish white. I yelled something like, “Hello! I am here!” but got no answer, just an echo of my own voice. There was no furniture and the windows did show there was an other side to the building. I walked toward it but as I did, the walls seemed to shift. I went through a window and it turned into a staircase that went down, or did it go up? I went up the staircase and into another room and again hit another staircase as I tried to go through a window. This one appeared to also go down.

I followed the stairs into a round room that was made of the same grayish walls. There were tiny windows cut out in it, but there was more wall on the other side with only teeny, tiny slits that opened to daylight on the other side. The walls appeared to be made of cement and were very hard and I noted tiny, round moldings decorated the walls. I tried to find the way through but I kept going in circles and could not get out. I then wondered how I got there as I was confused – did I go up or down? It was very disorienting and the room almost seemed to spin around me as I kept trying to get out.

Bullet Holes

I came into my body briefly then and recognized it. I was cold and shifted my position and then went back to sleep.

I did not come back with full lucidity but I was lucid enough to remember that I was talking with someone. There were two – a man and a woman. I recounted my experience to the man, telling him excitedly, “I saw my body!”. Most of this I remember as if re-dreaming everything. I felt like he was there to take notes on my experience.

Within this semi-lucid state while I was recounting my experience, I found myself in a completely different scene. Laid out in front of me was a multicolored board. It was like a canvas but I cannot tell what was painted on it, just that it had lots of vivid reds, blues, and other colors on it. I was carefully filling tiny holes that dotted the canvas with a yellowish putty. I dipped the putty from a container that was held by a woman. She had blonde hair and was very bright. As I dipped into the putty she said, “I can only help you if you are clear”. I immediately understood that she could only help me heal if I was focused upon what I wanted to heal. I looked down at the canvas and the tiny holes all over it. I recognized the holes as bullet holes; wounds.

This vision and message woke me up. I was very cold and a bit shaken by what I had just seen. Was I really so wounded?

It Has Been So Long

I noticed the time and then rolled over to try and sleep. But I couldn’t. I was wide awake. I kept thinking, “I am healing”. My guide was close and he covered me in his calming energy. It swept over me, entering my left arm and then spreading over my entire body. I let it pull me into relaxation, reveling in it.

I must have dozed a bit, as I was awakened by my guide saying to me, “Encourage you to explore yourself. Encourage you to share your experiences with everyone you can.” This brought me to full wakefulness as I digested what I had just been told. I questioned my guide, “Share my experiences???” My guide sent another waves of energy throughout my body. It was more intense this time and I thought for sure something big was happening. I allowed myself to be overcome with the energy and felt it rising in my midsection. Then, it then began to slowly withdraw the last of it lingering in my head until it was gone.

I asked my guide, “Why do you do that? I love it when you do that. It has been so long. Why did you stop?” All these questions came at once along with a feeling of hope that I cannot describe and a welling up of emotion that said, “It has been so long”. It was like I was meeting up with someone I had left behind and only when I saw them again did I realize just how much I missed them. It was the feeling of Home that I have been chasing after my entire life.

I could feel my heart filling up but it fell short of the amazing outpouring of love that I have felt in the past. I was left feeling incomplete but at peace.

Factors Influencing Projection

Lucidity scale: 7

Intent stated?: Yes

Time to bed: 10pm

Time to wake: 7:30am

Meditation?: None

Physical Exercise?: None

Mood: normal to low

Body: neck ache, lower back ache

Tiredness: Moderate

Number of wakings: 2

Technique?: No

Sleeping position: left

Supplements: Natural Calm, Sleepy Time Extra Tea, Benadryl 25mg, Calcium 500mg, Vitamin D 1000mg, Vitex 150mg, DonQuai 150mg

 

 

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Hide or Seek?

The energy is changing again. It is growing lighter and more positive. It almost feels like the cold air came through and blew away all the “hot air” which was full of anger, distrust, paranoia and all sorts of cluttered, chaotic thoughts. Perhaps this is just me that feels the change, but I suspect it is not. I even read an astrological forecast recently that suggests that coming new moon this Saturday is hastening in this new energy and that by the middle of December many of us will experience major breakthroughs in our ever challenging spiritual advancement.

Routine

I have been having quite a few spiritual breakthroughs of late. Most of these are occurring during sleep and so in the morning I feel much more balanced and at ease than the previous night. Last night I slept very deeply and do not even remember my dreams, yet I awoke in a positive mood and my first thoughts of the day focused on how blessed I am instead of how stuck. I could use to this kind of change! Yet I know all of this “comes and goes in waves” and eventually I must delve deeper which inevitably will bring me back to feeling knee deep in muck.

With the positive attitude I have been feeling a deep urge to alter my daily routine. This comes with a strong feeling of boredom and questioning of “what to do” with all this time I seem to have stumbled upon. Honestly, I do not have more time or less time than I did before but my perception of my free time has changed. Last night, after making dinner, cleaning up and preparing for the coming day, I noticed it was only 6pm and I had at least three more hours of evening before bed because two of my three children had fallen asleep. I had nothing on “my list” to do and so paced the kitchen for a while and stared at the clock. I eventually sat down to color one of my children’s coloring pages while my mind thought of absolutely nothing.

Later, after filling only about 20 minutes of my free time with coloring, I began to try to come up with things to do. My routine had not succeeded in filling this time as it has just come to my attention that I have it. I filled this free time in the past with school. Oddly, I longed for something to occupy my mind at that moment yet I knew more school was not the thing I desired this time. I could not, for the life of me, come up with anything suitable to fill my time! I eventually opted to spend the remaining time I had with my daughter since she was the only one of my three children awake. It was nice and I was able to settle but I continued to have this nagging feeling that I could be more productive. But doing what?

My routines have been my sanity for as long as I can remember, but what do I do when my routines no longer do the job? It is very apparent to me that I need something more. But what?

I am told that space has been created within me. This void has come about as a result of the purging I have been doing and will continue to increase as I succeeded in purging the old, useless aspects of my Self that I have been carrying with me. I no longer need the same routines to hide from myself because I am finally confronting that which I was hiding from. In the past I would seek out individuals who I could talk to for hours about spiritual and philosophical things, but even that is not appealing to me. Why? I use to love it!

Hide or Seek?

Routines can be good. They can keep life orderly. They help us get things done that need to be done. They get the bills paid on time. They feed us when we are hungry. They complete projects and goals. But routines can get old and stale. They can trap us in a box of familiarity. Some of us get addicted to our routines. We feel uncomfortable when they are are not followed.

If you are like me and find yourself on auto pilot, following life routines on a daily basis, you may be ready to change. Right now is the time to decide: do you want to hide or seek? Routine can keep us in hiding from ourselves and right now, those of us who are feeling the call of spiritual change will be feeling unfulfilled and empty. These feelings challenge us, but not all of us will accept the challenge. If you listen to your feelings with a desire to change them, you will find yourself questioning your routines. Will you seek out the answers or will you continue to hide in your comfort zone?

I ask you today to consider your own life routines. How do they help you? How do they hinder you? Do you find routine comforting? Or do you find yourself hating your routines because you are so controlled by them?

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Recognizing Myself

I slept very deeply last night but had several very vivid dreams.

Pregnant White Kitty

I entered an apartment. It was very obviously the apartment of a bachelor. I knew the man who lived there and was visiting him in secret. He had dark hair and was very laid back. He reminded me of a young Johnny Depp, so very good looking with a sexual draw about him. I do not remember all that we talked about but I recall being very concerned about the time and day and my children. I kept thinking about when I had to get them from the sitter and school and about an overnight trip I had to take on Thursday.

I left the apartment for a moment and retrieved my children. Rather than go all the way home and get them, I seemed to just go outside and there they were and then they came inside with me. When we got inside the man was gone and the apartment was quiet. I was not sure where he was and I did not know how my daughter got inside. I asked her and she said she crawled through a window. I scolded her for this, saying it was not good to break into a place, when she pointed to a wallet sitting on the counter. That immediately told me he was still present. I heard water running and saw his bedroom door was closed. He came out, dressed and clean, and smiled at us all. He seemed a bit preoccupied, though. I felt uncomfortable and knew that once I left we would not see each other again. He was sitting on the sofa and I went up to him and hugged him tightly, knowing I had had an affair with this man and was unfaithful to my husband. My stomach sunk with the realization.

My mom then came into the apartment with luggage and rolled it to a stop at my feet. She said I was all packed and ready for my trip. I looked at the tan, over sized bag on roller and then up at her. I have no memory of her face just that she was “mom”. I also knew she knew I had been cheating on my husband. She did not talk about it and seemed to accept it and was helping me go on this trip despite knowing what she knew. I took the bag and she said I needed to get ready for the trip the next day. I thought about it and knew I was going to “school” and there was a feeling with it that it was necessary.

As I prepared to leave, a woman came running into the apartment yelling my name. She told me to come outside. I went outside and stood on the top of the stairs looking down at the bushes and a bunch of people gathering. She said, “You need to help”. When I hesitated she said, “You are a midwife, aren’t you!? This is what you do!”

I looked in the bushes and saw a scared, white cat looking out at me with beady, yellowish eyes. She was being attacked by other cats and there was a lot of screeching and noise. I went down to where the cat was and a woman pushed all the other cats away and covered the white cat with a small, white box. She put a sheet of cloth over the top and peeked inside. She asked me to look and all I saw was a gaping, open wound about five inches long and full of dirt and debris. The cat hissed and growled and I pulled back. The woman said that the other cats attacked her while she was giving birth and took her first kitten. It had been born dead – its brain and heart not working. I imagined the cats fighting over and tearing apart the tiny kitten and shuddered.

At that time the cat had a contraction and I watched as her whole body clenched and blood began to ooze out of the gaping wound. It was very graphic and quite disturbing. Then the cat suddenly jumped out and escaped the security of our company and ran away. I watched the tiny cat and said, “She is so tiny! There is no way she can have kittens being that small!” The woman asked if there was anything that could be done to save the cat and kittens. I determined that it would be better to put the cat down and end her misery. The kittens were likely dead already and the cat was already near death. I remember saying, “You might as well put her down. There is nothing that can be done”.

Class in the Dark

I awoke after the dream. It was 6a.m. and it was my first waking, which is odd for me. I snuggled back into bed, thinking about my dream and thinking, “I am dying inside”. I felt alarm at the thought but pushed it aside, wanting to return to sleep quickly.

I found myself sitting at a table with a bunch of young people. They appeared to be teenagers but it was hard to tell as the lights were dimmed. I sensed I was in an auditorium or similar. A teacher was asking us to introduce ourselves to everyone by telling our purpose/main interest in life. She explained that we must use something from our mouths and I saw her pull something out of her mouth, but I do not know what it was. I was confused, thinking that I had nothing from my mouth that I could use to describe myself and my purpose to the group. I panicked as everyone began sharing. Person after person shared and as they did it got closer to my turn. All I could do was think about my recent dream and the white cat, but it didn’t come from my mouth! I thought to myself about what I would say, preparing for my turn. I would tell them about my dream and explain that dreams like this were common for me and often prepared me for my future. It did not make sense to me that sharing this would describe my purpose but I decided it would have to do. At this time I recognized that others were not sharing things via their mouths (I had thought that it meant an object from mouth). I felt some relief at this but knew what I said would be unique to the group.

As I waited my turn I looked at the table across from me. It was dark and I could barely make out the people sitting there. But something odd was in the air above their heads. Perched on seemingly invisible lines were two, perfectly tiny hummingbirds.

Birds-of-BC-No-32-Two-Rufous-Hummingbirds-Selasphorus-rufusRecognizing Myself

The dream stopped for a while and I do not recall what occurred during this time, but suddenly I was very aware of being within the scene I had just been a part of. My awareness was hovering midair and looking at auditorium seating. There were faces upon faces of people but all of the faces were dark and blurred, as if I was looking at them from some distance. In the middle of the sea of faces I saw a very handsome young man. His face was illuminated and he was seated next to a woman. I could not see her face but his light did illuminate her enough for me to know it was a woman. I took in a deep breath as I realized who this young man was. This dark haired, beautiful man with perfect features and skin, was me! I exclaimed, “That is me! I look so young! I couldn’t be more than 17!” I was with someone who was hovering next to me but I could not see him. I knew, however, that it was my guide and we were visiting a past me or perhaps a me from another existence parallel to my own current one. I felt huge accomplishment at seeing this version of me, as if I was very proud to have been this young man. He was extremely attractive, but most of all, he appeared so innocent and pure.

Considerations

When I finally awoke from all this dram activity, I felt better than I thought I would feel. All these dreams were quite upsetting, yet the feeling I had was hopeful, as if something had been resolved. Perhaps the last vivid scene did that?

The cat dream was the most concerning. First of all, it continued a theme of dreams I have been having for some time where I am cheating or have cheated on my husband. The sinking feeling in my stomach was felt in my physical body and almost woke me. The continued concern about my children and their schedule seemed to be my conscious self breaking through into the dream. The symbolism of going on a trip is that new aspects of one’s self are being explored. The fact that this trip is to a school suggests that the trip will be full of lessons.

The white cat symbolizes difficulties in life. Since it is dying, it could be that I am about to surpass these difficulties. The fact that I determined its fate suggests that I made a decision of some sort about these difficulties. The kittens could be representative of multiple difficulties stemming from the main one, the mother. The fact that they are dead or are assumed already dead suggests that these potential difficulties are being avoided by my actions. So, even though the entire scene was horrifying, the symbolism behind it suggest progress is being made.

The dream of being in class was perhaps the most profound of the dreams because I was so caught up in trying to determine my purpose and worried that others would reject it because it was so different from the norm. All I could think about was the dream of the white cat. I was also consumed with trying to figure out how to pull something solid from my mouth. I believe this was actually me trying to integrate the idea that words have strong manifestation power. When I finally accepted that I would use the story and explain it, I saw two hummingbirds perched in the dark and out of place. Hummingbirds symbolize the huge potential and power of seemingly small ideas and concepts.

The last dream seemed more like a vision than a dream. It was so different than the other dreams and had such a powerful impact upon me. I was certain that the young man was me and happy about it as well. Was this a past, present or future me? I do not know. I wish that I knew the story behind it. I recall feeling as if this me was connected to a life where infidelity was a huge problem.

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Chicken

I have been reading a book called The Other Side of God: The Eleven Gem Odyssey of Being by Susan Kailor. I have struggling to read it for some reason and though I do feel more optimistic after reading a chapter, I never really want to read another one. Perhaps there is something I am reading I do not like?

I know lately I have not liked the idea of forever; being a infinite being with infinite possibilities. I have never really liked the idea. There is too much unknown about it. I have no idea what one would do for forever. All I know is what I have remembered and that is that I have lived life after life, seemingly trapped in Earth and other world experiences. Although I have remembered some of my between life experiences, it is so limited and seems to support the idea that each of us ends up repeating the cycle of life over and over again. I am told by my guides that I do this “to learn” but something about that answer does not sit well with me. What if I am tired of learning? What if I don’t want to be infinite or forever? What do I do if I want the endless cycle of life to stop? What if I completely refuse to come back after this life – what would they do? Drag me kicking and screaming to my next body?

From what I have read, there is no forcing anyone into a body or a lifetime of bodies. This is done by choice. And from recent books I have read, I am beginning to think that the reason we go back into life is more of a feeling of being incomplete. We are “incomplete” because we chose to forget in order to experience ourselves through a specific experience or experiences. The current book I am reading supports this notion also while at the same time implying that we can change this process simply by dropping the current “masks” we wear that support a “theme” we have carried with us lifetime after lifetime. Freedom also comes by throwing off the illusion of right or wrong. This I have already recognized as truth, but have not fully integrated.

All of this is overwhelming. I am just now realizing that I am feeling overwhelmed, though. I did not recognize this on Monday when I first got the idea that I do not want the experiences I have been having anymore. I also thought that I do not want to post any of my OBEs, dreams or such on FB or in my FB groups. In fact, I feel like just ignoring FB altogether for a while. I found myself feeling like an outcast in the groups I am a part of. I feel so different and so invalidated by the fact that I am so different. I just don’t think anyone anywhere understands me and it upsets me that I cannot communicate what is going on within me to anyone, even myself. There is such a strong disconnect between my Earth Self and my Higher Self right now and I sense that even more than ever. It is as if my Earth Self is so afraid to expand that she is shrinking back from her Higher Self. If this continues, then I know that the cycle I want so badly to free myself from, will continue. As this feeling increases, I want even more badly to hide and withdraw.

Chicken

All these realization came out in my dreams last night. I had one vivid dream where I was visiting my Mom and found her inside a chicken pen inside a bathtub. She had diverted all the water to her bath and was happily lounging in the tub. I do not recall seeing her, just knowing she was there in the tub. I spoke with her briefly about her chickens. I saw them outside the fence, trapped, and not able to get back inside. She flipped a switch and water was released to the chickens who happily drank from it, leaving their pacing at the fence.

I then noticed there were chicken eggs all around the chicken coup. There was also a small brown hen trying to gather up the eggs under her but unable to do so. I mentioned this to my mom and went about picking up the eggs. I began to worry they had gone bad, though, or at the very least had been partially incubated. So I threw one egg on the ground to check it. The yolk was gray and I sensed it was rotten. Usually the chickens eat a broken egg, but the chickens ignored it. I looked closer and saw that it had indeed been partially incubated. I could see the tiny embryo and the blood vessels to it.

chicken eggInterpretation and Symbolism

To see a chicken in a dream suggests cowardliness and/or a lack of willpower. It can represent being a “chicken” or chickening out of a situation. Considering my feelings about life lately, this makes perfect since. I so want to give up and retreat!

The eggs in my dream suggest that I am contemplating a situation in which there is possibility for achievement and making progress towards my goals. Usually a nest of eggs means financial gain but I saw the eggs scattered and more lined up than in a pile. This could mean that I do not recognize the financial gain as important or am not able to see the possibility of it. I gathered the eggs, which indicates I am open to the idea of progress and want to embrace my creative potential, but cracking the egg and seeing it rotten indicates that I do not feel able or worthy. In fact, a broken egg suggests one is “walking on eggshells” or feel fragile or vulnerable. Seeing the newly formed baby chick could have been me recognizing potential for creativity and how I am feeling uncertain about my own ability and creative potential.

Then there is the fence and the chickens being trapped on the other side. This I recognized immediately as my own feelings of being “trapped”. The chickens went toward the water which could mean that I need to explore my emotions in order to escape the trapped feeling.

Grocery Store

I had another dream where I was visiting a huge grocery store similar to Sam’s Club. I had a basket but it was small and I spent the majority of the dream seeking out a larger basket, one that could carry more food and accommodate my children. I kept encountering more baskets, but they were all very small and not appropriate for my needs. I recall passing by a large, cooked pot roast and saw it cut and fall apart in front of me. It was very appealing and I wanted it. I recall thinking I would come back and get it once I got the right sized basket. The image of it was so vivid that I could almost smell it! I then walked toward the front of the store and passed by this man. He was large and burly, his face and body very hairy. I remember he was intently watching me and walked past him, ignoring him. Then I went to the front and saw an employee in red moving a bunch of carts. I thought he would have a large one, but he only showed me more of the same size carts. I inquired about the larger carts. He pointed to one for a handicapped person. I shook my head and told him it was wrong. I finally took one of the carts and left, disappointed.

Interpretation and Symbolism

A grocery store or market symbolizes a lacking or some emotional or physical need in life. The items being shopped for indicate the areas of need. In this case, I was not shopping for store items but looking for the basket. This tells me that I feel ill prepared with the current resources at my disposal (the basket). Since my basket is empty and I do not fill it, it could represent that I feel I have no resources at my disposal. I feel I need more resources (bigger basket) in order to handle the emotional and/or physical needs I have in life. Specifically, I think of having to carrying my children and this feel like a burden without a larger basket. Perhaps I need more support?

Reflection

I can’t help but think “What is the point?” It is as if I am on a path, deep in the dark woods. I can barely see ahead of me and the road splits in several directions. The signs are broken and unreadable. I don’t know which way to go. In fact, I have forgotten altogether where I am going. So, I sit down and stare ahead of me at the different routes. I need guidance but there is no one there. I need a friend, but I have none. I probably should just pick a road, because part of me tells me they all lead to the same place, but I am tired of this journey. I silently pray that an aircraft comes to pick me up and take me away.

My dreams reflect perfectly how I was feeling last night. I almost felt on the verge of insanity, but I had no idea why. I even asked my guide if I were going crazy and he laughed and said, “No, not this life”. Then I began thinking and saying to him, “I don’t want to know anymore” and felt very unsettled, as if all of this experience were too unreal and knowing it was all an illusion. I stared at things and thought, “It seems so real, but it is an illusion”. Part of me could not accept this at all. Part of me wants badly for it all to be real. Without the realness, what is there? What do I hold onto? That is the scariest thing to consider and I believe it is what is holding me back. How does one take the plunge into the unknown?

My guide is irritatingly optimistic right now. He laughs and smiles a lot. I want to swat him away like an irritating fly. I say to him, “You sure have a lot of faith in me” and he smirks saying, “You are doing well”. I suppose being pushed to my limits is a good thing in his eyes. At least I do get from him, “Be patient. Baby steps”. That tells me he understands and that my over-eagerness to overcome my own limitations is responsible for the very feelings I am having.

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Ego Child

This morning my husband told me that he has been having waves of depression hit him out of the blue at odd times of the day. He said he had one hit him in the middle of the night and that the feeling is so horribly heavy that he struggles to not be overcome by it. He then attributed the strange mood swings to his sugar intake. I stopped him there and told him it is unlikely that sugar is the cause of these intense, unusual bouts of unexplainable depression. I asked him if he had considered that it was happening to everyone and widespread all over the world. He said, “You mean it is coming from the 4th dynamic? I hadn’t thought of that.” Then he paused and said, “That makes a lot of sense”. (The 4th dynamic is mankind).

I then explained to him how long I had been perceiving it and how it affects everyone differently. I told him that those who have not taken responsibility for their own life and issues and cleared them out would be struggling with past life and current life issues related to themselves and their family. However, those who have cleared most of that out would then be struggling with issues related to the world and mankind. So, in essence, his depression may be that he is connecting to greater world issues rather than something within himself that needs to be cleared. Though, of course, his own issues are and those of mankind are reciprocal. They are interconnected and so his depression is likely linked to his own issues related to how he is connected and responsible for mankind’s actions.

After our conversation I began to think about my OBE with the man who I identified as my father. As I have digested the experience, I feel that the healing that occurred by my sending love to this man was more directed toward allowing this man to heal and move on. Yes, the healing was also my own but is reciprocal. He heals as much as I heal. I have had this realization before as I recognized that even though one person may feel they have recovered from a damaging relationship, they are not truly free until all participants have also healed and recovered. Since we are all One, we are all connected in every aspect of our spiritual development, positive and negative.

I am certain now that this past father figure of mine has been carrying with him the guilt and pain of his many wrongs in the life we had together. Our relationship was one that started with love and turned into confusion, pain, misunderstanding and misappropriated emotion. The love he had for me contorted and became disfigured until he could not differentiate between right and wrong and so betrayed his own morals and beliefs while alienating and losing a beloved relationship with his daughter. In his subsequent lives he has carried with him the burden from that life. Currently he may not understand why he feels and does certain things. He may be haunted by a guilt he does not understand. He may be fearful of his current relationship with his daughter(s) and not know why. The extent of his pain is not fully known to my conscious Self but I do know there was relief in his eyes and acceptance of my forgiveness of him. Perhaps this will allow him to break free of the constraints of guilt and fear that have overshadowed his present life. Perhaps in his release I will also be released and my distrust of men, father and husband alike, will begin to dissolve, revealing a truth I have yet to see.

From 12 to 10 to 4

Last night as I prepared for bed, I noticed that the room felt very empty. I felt alone. Upon further investigation, I recognized that I had lost the 10 in Spirit who have been hovering around me since a day after I first noticed there were 12. I was back down to my typical “4”, and so it felt to me as if the room had emptied. Thus, I felt strangely “alone”.

With the exit of my council and the return to “normalcy”, I wondered if the man I was going to meet was the father I met in my OBE. It definitely could be that he was. My guide would neither confirm nor deny this and so I let it be. I no longer have the energy to contemplate it. I have accepted that I will just have to “wait and see”.

Perception

I have continued to sleep deeply and last night was no exception. I woke with an odd feeling that all the negative feelings – anxiety, worry, unhappiness – in my life was “someone else’s fault”. The feeling was very wrong to me and I did not like it. There was also an element of “unfairness” that lingered. Why was it that some people always seem happy while I do not? I recognized that a part of me felt that happiness was deserved and so if someone had happiness who did not “deserve” it, then an injustice had been done. The resentment I felt form this caused me to become unhappy, as if trying to compensate for the wrongness of the situation.

I did not contemplate this for long, but attributed it to the odd dreams I had about my family relationships, specifically my relationship with my sister. I now recognize that these dreams are the “work” that I am doing at a higher level and eventually the rewards of that work will trickle down and integrate with my present Earth consciousness. It does me little good at this stage to over analyze my dreams and OBEs. To do so would be like forcing a square peg into a round hole. If I my Earth consciousness cannot yet assimilate such information, what good does it do to try to force it? The end result is more of the same – loss after loss, disappointment after disappointment. I must have faith that the “me” at higher levels is advancing and that when the time is right and my Earth consciousness is prepped, prepared and attuned to the process, everything will settle and integrate. In the end, there will be a wholeness, though it may be barely perceivable at first.

The Ego Child

As I began to understand the integration process, I became completely disinterested in the things which I have been interested in of late. Specifically, sharing my OBEs and considerations with others. I do this for many reasons, one of which is to have my experiences validated by others. Although I do not want to admit, I seek agreement from others that my experiences are “real”. A part of me also wants to brag about them and has a strong desire to be praised by others for my “uniqueness”. I often have struggled with this part of myself. The Ego often wishes to be praised and seeks attention for being unique and “special”. My guide is understanding of this, however, and reminds me that it is “normal” and not to rejectthe feeling but instead accept it, taking care to balance it with understanding, love and patience. He explains to me that the Ego is to be treated like a child. It should be nurtured and loved. It has to learn much like a child does and it is my job (the Higher Self) to teach it by allowing it to stumble and fall as much as is needed in order for it to learn, all along offering support, unconditional love, and encouragement in whatever way is best received by the Ego child.

It is at this juncture that I recognize the purposefulness in my accepting the role of the Ego child via life in a body. It is possible to me now that I am indeed split into different parts, each with varying levels of consciousness. I am choosing now to be the Earth consciousness. I do this via the human body and experience things “anew” with a strong need to individuate myself from the whole. I seek to experience life via my own lens. This lens is colored with experience. All the while, there is a “me” I am not aware of that is watching, teaching and guiding the other “me” along their individual path. I am also aware that there are likely others of “me” as well. It also is very clear to me that this identification with the Earth consciousness via my Ego child in this body is a distinct choice every part of “me” made, as a whole. Once I am done with this human experience I will return and all aspects of “me” will be united as one again. And “we” will likely again choose the human experience as one of the many experiences available and the process will be repeated.

There is then the question of why I gave myself access to “myself” while in this life. I know this is not the first time I have done this, but it seems to me as if I am “cheating”. I am told this was purposeful and the plan is to continue this patterns until the Ego child is fully integrated. Once that occurs, the Earth consciousness via the Ego child will be transformed. It is not clear what comes next, but it is certain it will not be a path like any I have tread before.

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See No Evil

I was awakened to shrill screaming. After tending to my baby and unfortunately arguing with my husband about the “cry-it-out-method” which I believe is horribly mean at such a young age, I got back into bed. I was unsettled and angry for a bit and certain I would not fall asleep. Fortunately, I did.

White SUV

I found myself in a dream with my husband. We were both getting part-time jobs at a taco joint. I was doing it because I felt I had no choice. I don’t know why he was doing it.

My husband was training and I went to help the others get the food ready for the day. I remember thinking about how I did not want to return to such a job as memories of my past part-time employment at various food establishments resurfaced. It did not disgust me but I was completely disinterested.

I went outside and found myself in front of my old middle school. It was pick-up time and there were cars everywhere. I went to my SUV and moved it, parking it farther from the school, then called my husband to tell him where I was. I got inside and someone had sprayed water all over it and short circuited the Bluetooth. I got upset and drove to a new parking place, but parked crooked. The people in the next parking space began to speak harshly to me about how I parked, demanding I move my SUV. I was not nice back and noticed they were Iranian or something and remember thinking how out of place that was.

I moved my SUV by actually pushing it with my body. I turned to yell at them, telling them I could not park right because I was avoiding hitting people. They yelled back and pointed. I turned and saw my SUV had rolled into a utility poll and was damaged. I laughed at it, completely unconcerned. I also saw that it was a vibrant white, which is not the real color of my SUV.

Baby Boy

Seeing my SUV the wrong color must have caused my awareness to peak and I found myself experiencing the sensation of exiting my body. The room I came into was dark and I immediately noticed it. The first thing I did was launch myself into the air and yell out, “I want to see light!” As I did this, I remembered I should sing, so I started singing the phrase as I flew.

I soared up higher and higher and began to notice my surroundings. I do not remember it becoming “light” but I could see clearly, though not as vividly as I would have liked. I was in a house and it had high ceilings. I was on the second floor and flying through towards a room. I went inside and saw an oval bathtub full of bubbly water and toys. I do recall this room was brighter than the other one with a golden hue. I came closer to the tub and began thinking of my baby and knew/thought, “Thinking of him will bring me joy and make the light come”. As I thought this, I looked down and saw him in the water, smiling and floating sideways. I leaned in and picked him up, watching the water go over his face and saying/thinking, “You are okay”. There was a complete understanding that he did not want to drown, so he wouldn’t. I picked him up and held him close, enjoying the moment. I clearly remember seeing him smiling and reliving the feeling of closeness and motherhood.

Control is an Illusion

I felt myself floating back over my body. I settled in the familiar energy and then willed myself back. I wanted to return and see what was next.

I soon opened my eyes back in the house. I was on the second floor and vision was not an issue, though the lights still seemed low and my vision not as clear as I would like. I went to a half wall that overlooked the first floor and looked over. I climbed on top and stared down. Suddenly I was filled with apprehension that came with considering jumping over the edge. I then looked to my right and saw both my boys next to the half wall. I grabbed my baby’s hand and said to him, “Jump! You won’t fall!” and took the plunge. I plummeted towards the floor, briefly worrying I had been wrong, but I stopped short of the bottom and lightly bounced upward as if I had hit a trampoline.

At this point it was as if the projection/experience stopped completely or at least paused. I heard the voice of my guide to my left and behind me. I could not see him and his voice was like my own thought, but separate. I had been thinking about how I worried I would lose my children; how they could die so easily if I did not protect them. I was afraid for them and concerned. His thought to me was, “That is what makes his life exciting”. With these words came a complete understanding that my control over his life, over his safety, health and happiness, was a complete illusion. His life was his and mine was mine. I had no control over whether he lived or died. That control was totally his.This realization did not upset me in the least, instead I accepted it joyfully and I felt an energy within me release. If I had seen it, it would have been an explosion from my solar plexus.

I felt very accomplished, as if I had overcome a huge challenge. Feeling overjoyed, I flew up to the second wall, grabbing my oldest child’s hand and taking him with me.

We soared upward and my vision blacked out.

I Love You

I returned to my body, hovering there briefly. My hand was numb, so I had to move it, breaking the energy flow briefly. I did not worry that I could not return. Instead, I mulled over what had happened in my two OBEs, recognizing lessons were being learned and that it was purposeful. I was in “class”, but not like ever before.

I closed my eyes and went OOB without even thinking about it.

When I opened my eyes I was again on the second floor of the house (I think), but in front of me was a man. He was standing quite a distance away and seemed to be asleep with his eyes open, like I often see people I encounter in astral. He had dark brown hair that was short and thinning and round features. He looked vaguely familiar, but I could not place him. Though I do not remember having consciously intended anything, I knew immediately my intent towards this man. I even knew he was my father and knew his name, though it evades me now. I walked towards him with such courage, but my heart was suddenly overwrought with emotion, rejection, and pain, as if this man had done me great harm in life. I put out my hand, knowing I needed to love him and to accept that I did love him. It was the hardest thing I have ever done to hold my hand out towards him, palm facing him with the intent to heal. In my memory of it, it is painfully slow and torturous, the emotion so strong and painful that I began to well up with emotion, my heart center burning inside my chest.

When I got to him, I placed my hand right over his heart and tried with great difficulty to speak. I finally pushed the words out and said, “I love you”. When I said the words, the energy in my heart was exploding, it was not pleasant, but it was not painful either. It was just releasing old, stale, negative emotion. I felt the love energy rush through my arm and into my hand, right into the man’s heart. When this happened he suddenly became aware and looked directly at me. He seemed to recognize me and smiled a smile that said, “Thank you, I know this is hard for you”. In his smile I also knew he had wanted this to happen between us. I was close and he wrapped me in his arms and I fell into him, hugging him tightly.

God_Consciousness_1024See No Evil and God Consciousness

I came back to my body with the feeling of still hugging this man, this father figure. My hand was numb again and I moved it. At the same time realized something major had just happened. I had a breakthrough. I sorted through my memories but could not place the man, this father of mine from a past life. I stopped on one memory that I thought could potentially be him. When I did, I began to cry. If this was that father, then indeed there was much pain and betrayal involved.

I did not want to wake up and found myself in that in-between state for some time. During this time, my guide was talking with me, discussing what had happened. I saw many images but one stood out to me. It was a book that had the words “See no evil” written on the front along with a picture of a statue holding its hands over its eyes. On the side of the book, along the bound edge, were the words, “God Consciousness”.

I woke out of my reverie in shock, completely understanding what the “see no evil” meant. I then questioned the title on the bound edge. “What is God consciousness?” I asked. I got no answer but soon fell back into my in-between state, watching images float through my vision and hearing my guide speak, explaining what was going on and where I was going.

I don’t remember his exact words but I do know that I am using my astral reality to confront my demons. Some of these memories are so horrid that my conscious self has not been able to confront them fully. Yet, somehow another part of me is. These realities are my classroom, a controlled environment where I can safely analyze myself, my beliefs and my cycles with the assistance of my guides. It is purposeful and safe and much less likely to upset my waking life.

When I think back to the man I confronted, I truly believe he was not created by me but actually present. Perhaps he is living life now and was dreaming when I put my hand on his heart. Whatever the case, he recognized the healing and accepted it. I hope, wherever he is and whatever he is doing, he wakes up more at peace than he did when he went to sleep.

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Mile Markers

There is something going on with me – it is just a feeling I get. Along with the signs I have been receiving both from my guides and from my dreams, the feeling has been intensifying. I cannot describe the feeling because it is subtle, seeming to be buried very deeply within my subconscious. I believe it is a Knowingness that is slowly rising to the surface and as it does, it begins to break through into my consciousness as odd, new feelings and intuitions. That is the best way to describe it and I believe it to be accurate because I can actually visualize the process!

Mile Markers

I began to take notice of the “shift” in my own energy and perception two days ago. I had just noticed that I had 12 in Spirit assisting me. This always means something significant has happened. I had 12 when my daughter was born. I had 12 when I reached my 36th year. I had 12 when I met my husband. So far, their presence has not indicated anything negative. What is odd, though, is that knowing they are near causes me to become nervous and I don’t know why. I have decided, though, that the 12 are present because significant milestones in my life have been reached.

It is like running a long race or marathon. Imagine that your life is a long road and along the road are mile markers. Each mile marker has significance, similar to how they do in a race. When you reach them, you know you have made it and this uplifts you because you have achieved part of your goal. You had set out to reach mile maker 5 and you did – time for a silent celebration as you continue upon your path. As you progress and reach mile marker, after mile marker, you become tired and struggle to keep going. The only thing that keeps you going is that you can see the next mile marker and that you are getting close to the end. So, by mile 20, you are tired, weary and wanting to stop for a rest, but you know if you stop you are likely to struggle to start running again. You are so tired you can feel it in your bones. Then, along the sidelines you hear cheering and see crowds of people lined up giving encouragement, saying, “You can do it! You’re almost there! Don’t give up!” You listen. You dig deep and find energy that you didn’t know you had and you keep going. Then you see the mile marker and know you have achieved yet another goal. But there are more. Not many, but more.

I don’t know exactly what mile marker I am on, but I accept that I must have reached one recently.

Three

Two nights ago I awoke earlier than I wanted to. Again. I managed to fall asleep and had odd dreams. Though I can’t remember the dreams completely, I do remember that there was a theme: three. I recall briefly a confusion because in one dream there were three of me all together and identical. There were more dreams like this with three of one thing. When I awoke I knew only that 3 was significant.

I was going to write about it after it happened but did not feel inspired to. But the number followed me and I began to think of its significance. Mainly I knew that it represented the Holy trinity – body, mind and spirit. This felt right and I wondered about it.

I began to wonder about the angel number meaning, specifically of 333. This angel number is a message that one’s guides are close and helping at this time. This felt correct to me as well. This number is also representative of spiritual gifts and reminds us that we have a higher purpose to fulfill using those gifts.

Killing Babies

Not only did I have the dream of the number 3, but I also had a disturbing dream. I did not remember the dream until last night, but it occurred the same night as the dream about 3’s. In this particular dream the specifics are lost to me but I distinctly remember recalling that in past lives I have killed babies – my own and others’. I have had a past life recollection of getting an abortion but this was not the only time I did such a thing. When I try to recall the dream and these acts specifically I feel such sadness that I cannot find the memories in detail. However, the feel of the emotion is so full of guilt and shame that I know what I have done in past lives is despicable. I do recall briefly in a dream that I murdered my own child after his/her birth when he/she was quite a bit older than newborn. I do not remember exactly what I did but it affected the baby’s organs, because in the dream I recall destroying the middle of the child. I believe I either drowned him/her or smothered him/her.

In considering the dream now, I believe I should not focus so much on whether I did these things in a past life, but more on the symbolism. To kill a baby in a dream symbolizes the ending of something that you once were a part of. What am I killing or considering killing off in my life? Because I specifically pinpointed the center of the baby in my dream, it could be that I am killing off a piece of my heart. It is sad, but I believe I can relate to this.

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Look for the Light

For the last two or three days I have been getting messages as I lay down to sleep. My thoughts have been pretty much nonexistent but I have been struggling to fall asleep for some reason. I finally asked two nights ago what was going on. I was told that I was “healing” and receiving “help”. Then, without asking, I was told to, “Look for the light”. Last night I was told this again and it worried me. Don’t people see “the light” when they die? So I asked some questions about what it meant. I was told I would be “conscious” when it happened and that I would be “okay”.

When I asked others what they thought it meant, I got various responses. Some said that it just means to look for the positive in life while others said it meant to stay in the Now. A good friend of mine said: “Looking for the light helps to transition our experience to that which feels good, expansive, reaching towards Spirit. You are light!!” I believe her answer was the most spot on. Why? Because my guide has been saying, “Remember who you are”. I am still not sure who that is.

Following the Light

I was awakened this morning to my bed shaking. It was not violent shaking, like in The Exorcist, but it was noticeable enough that it made me concerned and I held my entire body completely still. It passed quickly but I recalled the same thing had happened earlier in the week. I wondered if it meant I was about to go OOB? I do not recall experiencing shaking before projecting, at least not in my bed.

I tossed and turned as I tried to return to sleep. I had awakened early again and it irritated me because I really wanted to sleep in! I finally said to my guide, “I want to astral. Please!” I did not get a response but a feeling that it was possible, almost like he said, “If you really want to”.

I must have fallen asleep soon after because the next thing I remember was being in my bed in my mother’s house where I spent most of my childhood. I heard people talking and climbed out of bed sluggishly to see what was going on. I recall there was a tall woman with very dark brown, almost black, shoulder length hair, doing most of the talking. I was listening to her and trying to interact but I felt heavy and cumbersome, as if I were sleep walking. I went out into the hallway as the woman spoke to me and other people. The room was brightly lit and golden colored. It sounded like there were many people in the house but all I saw was the woman. She seemed very lively and alert, smiling and bright, almost like she was glowing. She was discussing gifts and I wondered if it was the holiday. I recall being seated on the floor with my baby son and looking through various toys and other objects. I heard that all of it was brought from “there” but I don’t know where “there” was. I was upset because it was cluttering the floor and got very irritated with everyone, though I could not see them. The irritated feeling is familiar to me in life and it seems it all came out of me true-to-life. I instantly wanted the mess gone! I snapped at the woman and told her I only wanted her to bring the one thing and pointed to this odd looking tall, yellow toy. I think it was a block sorting toy, you know the kind where the baby puts the shape into the correct hole? I grabbed the toy and went back towards my bed, leaving them there.

I got back into bed and kept thinking about how I wanted to leave my body. I was very aware of the bed and could feel that I was in my body. I started going through the different methods I use to try for conscious exit. I thought of rolling out of my body and rocking back and forth. Whenever I tried to rock back and forth I kept feeling different parts of my body like my hands and believed I had messed it up. Frustrated, I began to look for the hypnagogic images that I use to get, but I saw none.

I lingered in my body for some time, sensing the energy fluctuations and wondering if I would feel the vibrations. I even asked to feel them, but never did. During this time it felt like I was going in and out of my body very quickly, almost like my energy was shaking very rigorously. Perhaps this was the vibrations but without feeling?

Suddenly I was aware of a large, leafless tree in the corner of the room. It was dark in the room, but I could see the outline of the branches very clearly. It was a short, squat bush with branches that had very pointy ends. Recognizing that it was very obviously out of place, I went over to it. When I reached it, I knew I was OOB and became instantly disinterested in the tree. I went towards the window and through it, momentarily losing my vision as I did.

On the other side of the window it was dark but the large pool I knew would be there was lit up and glowing a vivid, crystal clear blue. I went directly into the water, fully expecting to feel myself become one with it. Instead, it felt as if I were in a bubble, surprisingly dense and not fluid at all. I also could not see under the water, which is not the norm. I felt myself instinctively hold my breath. I willed myself to continue breathing, dove down a bit and then resurfaced. When I did, I saw the edge of the water and noticed a glowing, red light switch was mounted on the side, just above the glowing, blue water line. I found it curious and went over and flipped the switch, fully expecting the entire pool to turn a glowing florescent red color. Instead, nothing happened. Disappointed, I exited the pool and flew up into the night sky.

Once I was flying, I looked out ahead of me. It was dark, but it didn’t bother me at all. I was at the level of the tree tops and looked down at their dark silhouettes as I flew. I did not want to be pulled up, so I purposefully stayed in the branches, even grabbing onto them. Then I noticed a light in the distance behind the trees. I went toward it, hoping to find out what it was. When I got to where I had seen the light, it was gone.

I turned around to head back towards the house. I could see my mother’s bedroom window. It was lit up and golden yellow, as if the lights were on inside. I went towards the window, intent on going inside. Knowing I would meet resistance, I prepared myself and lost my vision. At this time I also remember humming a tune without words. As I tried to enter the room, the volume of my voice humming the tune intensified. I lingered in the blackness for a little while, still humming and hoping I would emerge on the other side and in the light. Unfortunately, I went back into my body and woke up.

Surfacing Memory

I lay in bed a while and could hear my family still moving around the house. This told me I had only been asleep briefly. I rolled over and began to recount my OBE, hoping to pick up any tidbits of information I may have lost.

I recalled the OBE in its entirety and knew I had been in the lower astral realm. I also recognized that the dream prior to it was semi-lucid and likely also in the astral somewhere but the way my dream self felt, all heavy and cumbersome, did not seem to fit. Perhaps this was me trying to become more conscious and not succeeding?

I do not believe I ever woke up between experiences but instead used my going back to bed to help me achieve more awareness. I am not sure if this is what is called a “false awakening” but it seems to fit. It worked and I was able to fully take control of the experience.

Oddly, as I was sorting through the memories, one surfaced that I completely missed. When I was in my “bed”, trying various methods to exit my body, I found myself inside a small, golden room. It was small and box-like, almost like an empty closet. In front of me was a door and I was instructed to “open it”. I did. After I opened the door I was suddenly aware of the tree in the room.

Why So Much Darkness?

Although I got what I asked for, I was disappointed to once again have such a dark and dreary OBE. I immediately asked my guide why this was. He, of course, asked me, “Why do you think?” and I remembered how he keeps telling me, “I am you” and “This is you” in reference to my OBE. I realized that I am not seeing because I do not see any alternatives for the situation I find myself in in life. I feel trapped, as if any decision I make will have the same results. I do not feel I have much to look forward to except more of the same. These considerations result in darkness because I am not able to “see” beyond. This makes sense because my guide has also been telling me, “You will see”. Interesting.

by

Lightening Bolt

12

Yesterday was a struggle. I awoke in a bad mood and then decided to write my husband a letter since we never seem to be able to communicate without interruption from our children. It is so hard to have any alone time with each other! Anyway, I actually started to write to a friend and then realized it was something I should be telling my husband and so copied and pasted it into a Word document and then added more. I told my husband to read it and let it be and then heard him typing and knew he was responding.

We ended up having a good conversation about my considerations and upsets. It was helpful but I wish we had had more time to talk. It never seems we have enough time for each other these days. The good thing is that my husband did not feel the way I thought he did, and that helped ease my upset. I noticed afterward that my shoulders were more relaxed. The tension, which had been so fierce that it felt my shoulders were stuck to my ears, was gone.

In the evening I sat outside listening to a neighbor play classical music. It seemed fitting and I smiled as I looked up at the half moon. The air was crisp and cool and the night was very quiet except for the beautiful music. I relaxed and let out a huge breath that I must have been holding in without knowing. When I did, I noticed my guide near and also that there were others. It actually felt a bit crowded and I knew instantly there were 12. At first I was a bit shocked but my guide said sent me a feeling that said, “It’s okay” and I asked why they were there. He said, “To help” and I accepted it. I did not feel like asking anything else.

Later, as I lay in bed preparing for sleep, I focused on healing a friend. As soon as I began to meditate I heard, “Look” and saw a white light in the distance. I tried to look closer but when I did I could not see it. I still felt the 12 near me and tried to again focus on healing. Instead my thoughts kept drifting away from my original intention to other intentions – all of them healing related. That is when I experienced an odd energy coming through the top of my head.

Lightening Bolt

The “lightening bolt” is what I call the odd energy. It has happened almost every night this week. Last night it happened for the fourth time. I don’t know what to call it, so I will describe it instead.

It always happens when I am laying in bed usually ten minutes or so before I finally drift off to sleep. It usually happens when I am laying on my stomach, which I have been feeling I should do for some reason even though I am not a stomach sleeper. it is almost like I get told to do it, but it really is just a thought that comes to me that says, “Turn over” or “Lay on your stomach”. I briefly have the intention to defy the “order” but then resolve to just do it because it comes from my Higher Self and I know that whatever the reason, it is a good one.

When I lay on my stomach I usually cannot get comfortable, which I know will happen and is why I am not a stomach sleeper. Usually I cannot keep still and hear a quiet, calm voice say, “Be still”. So I comply. After a while of being still, it happens. I get hit with what I can only describe as a lightening bolt of energy. It comes from above and strikes me in the head, usually from above and at an angle. It doesn’t hurt but it makes my entire body jump. This is not under my control at all and the movement reminds me of what happens when I have dreams that I am falling and jerk back to waking reality, shocked and a bit afraid. Yet the “lightening bolt” of energy is very obviously a stream of energy coming from somewhere and the residual energy of it lingers where it enters my head for some time after the event.

The first time it happened I was just stunned and wondered what the heck had just happened. I eventually let it go, chocking it up to some odd, deep relaxation side-effect even though I was not even close to a deeply relaxed state when it occurred.

The second time it happened I began to wonder if it was something intentional. But what?

The third time it happened I had been anticipating it and waiting. When it happened, it caught me off guard – which is the usual. I focused on how it felt and could not figure out what exactly the energy was or what its purpose was.

When it surprised me once again last night I noticed that the energy seemed to go through my entire body in a straight line. Last night it exited out my left side near my knees and feet. Each time the lingering energy always sits in my head near my crown chakra. This time I felt as if I were being observed and, since I knew I had 12 guides near, I was convinced that they were behind this odd lightening-like energy.

Questions

I am convinced that this energy is some kind of healing energy but I may be wrong since I have never experienced such an energy and have not read anything of similar experiences. Perhaps it is related to kundalini awakening? Or perhaps it is just an adjustment being made by my Higher Self and I am not meant to know its purpose other than that I am being “helped”.

If you have had such an experience, even a similar one, can you please share it with me? I am curious to know what might be happening.