Tag Archives: nothingness

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1-8 Channel: The Empty Shell of Melancholy

This is an in-your-face post about the 1-8 Channel of Melancholy in HD. This is my ONLY defined channel and, to make it that much more painful, it is half aware and half not.

I’ve researched and read as much as anyone can about HD to somehow try and figure out why I am the way I am. Pretty much everything I read makes the components of my design – Projector, Self-Projected, 1-8 Channel, wide-open design – all nice and pretty. I have not found even one post or article where the writer has said, “This design is the most difficult one to have. You really must have wanted a challenge when you selected it. Good luck! You’ll need it!”.

Your “special”. Your design is very “specific”. This is what the analyst said to me during my reading. Ha! She was trying to be nice but I could hear in her voice that she knew that my design was a curse. I could tell she was grateful that she did not have my design.

For those who may have forgotten, here is my bodygraph:

It may not seem that open, but just wait until you separate it into conscious and unconscious channels:

Personality = conscious. Design = unconscious. The two parts of myself do not know about the other. My only defined channel, the 1-8, is ONLY defined when the two parts come together. Our defined channels are what creates who we are. I only have one channel, one component that defines who I am, and I am half aware of it. Just ONE. That is it. The rest of me is open, but I prefer to say “empty” because that is how I feel. It makes perfect sense now why I have always felt this nothingness inside because – LOOK at my bodygraph – I AM EMPTY!

Below is what I wrote in my personal journal this morning. I am not really even sure why I was thinking about HD as it has not been on my mind. The truth is a hard pill to swallow (sayeth my guides).

I woke up thinking about my HD and how open I am. The only way I am going to ever feel complete, without this “void” within, is to do the one thing I do not want to do – interact with others. Why? Because my design IS a void! All I am is openness which translates to feeling this empty, void inside all.the.time. It is my reality. I know nothing else. I have no direction, no motivation, no nothing except long periods of not-Knowing and small, fleeting moments of sudden Knowing. Yet I desire to be alone and when I am around others I usually want to getaway from them very quickly. But the minute I get alone all I feel is empty, nothingness.

I have this deep desire to connect to a certain energy that “tastes” right to me. So I am always searching it out, but rarely find it. When I contact someone, I know straight away if their energy is correct for me. It is almost never correct. Yet, when I do find someone that is correct for me and interact wit them, perhaps getting into a relationship with them (friend, romance, etc), they tend to grab onto me until, at some point, I can’t take it anymore and am desperate to get away from them. 

It’s a curse and it further proves that I, for some reason, desired to challenge (punish) myself this life. It is clear there will never be a time when I am not empty inside. That is who I am: empty. Just look at my HD bodygraph! Look how empty I am!

I also woke upset that those romantic connections that truly “tasted” correct all turned their backs on me in the end. One in particular had a very nicely defined HD bodygraph. It is okay. His design makes him full inside (very defined compared to me). He has no need for me, “this empty shell of melancholy who very seldom Knows anything of value for very long” (in quotes because I’ve decided this sums up who I am very nicely).

I find it funny that when I got my HD reading the analyst decided to use the word “special” to describe my very specific design. Ha! She was trying to be nice, to make the curse seem like a blessing. No way is this a blessing! I’m empty inside. I have no drive or purpose that is inherent in my design. I’m never going to fit in (Projector). I’m sad all the time. Who wants to be around someone like that? I don’t even want to be around me! 

The thing that is really upsetting is that the ONLY way I am going to feel somewhat alive is to be in contact with others. If I remain alone, the only thing I will feel is empty. If I want to stay away from others and their tendency to make a slave out of me and not see me (which is 95% of them) then I have to be okay with feeling empty, nothingness all the time. Apparently, the nothingness inside, which is composed of that (beautiful?) melancholic feeling I’ve come to hate so, is the one and only way for me to find my (supposed) creative genius that leads to those limited “ah-ha” moments of Knowing. When I am in that Knowing I feel successful, powerful….ALIVE. Sigh. But it never lasts. Never. And really the only thing I desire in life is for that feeling to last. Is that too much to ask? 

The curse is that I need others but also need to be alone at the same time. I am a walking conundrum.

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OBE Confusion

I had an interesting experience last night. I think it was an OBE but if it was, it is unlike any I have had.

Confusion

As has been my habit over the last few days, I meditated before going to sleep. I must have fallen asleep again and doing so seems to have initiated a surprise OBE.

It wasn’t a long one and I don’t remember much about it. I was dreaming about something related to OBE and meditation, but the dream is lost to me now. What I do remember is that I was told I needed to move through five levels and these were associated with OBEs in some way. I am not sure what these levels are or what they signify, but it was very obvious to me that I needed to ascend through them for some reason. I have read something of “levels” in the astral, but I cannot remember them now because the information just didn’t seem to apply to me back then. Now I am wondering if I need to reevaluate.

Anyway, the experience in itself was very short lived. I suddenly became conscious of being somewhere else and was filled with instant confusion because I could not figure out where I was. It was very dark and disorienting and I kept trying to open my eyes but they would not open! I tried to move and get out of wherever I was, but I could not move. In fact, I could not feel my body and I did not even know if I had a body. I felt like I was just floating in nothingness yet even the awareness of floating was not there, it was more like a complete lack of anything – a void! Even now, as I try to remember the experience I have a very unsettled feeling.

As I could not come to a logical explanation of what was happening and the usual control of my astral body was without existence, I began to panic. Like the entire short experience, even the panic I felt was abnormal. I felt like a caged bird trying to get free yet I could not see the cage. My mind was a complete jumble of questions with no obvious solution. If I could not figure out where I was, how would I ever get out?

My panic must have triggered a return to my body and suddenly my eyes opened and I instantly realized the experience I just had was an OBE. I also instantly realized a huge part of the confusion had come from my not being able to open my eyes – or so it seemed. I had opened my eyes, it is just that my astral eyes had opened and there was nothing to see because it was complete and utter darkness. Imagine intently willing your eyes to open, they open, but you have no awareness of them opening because all you see is blackness so you keep willing them to open. Very unsettling.

I got up out of bed and lost my balance, my sense of direction completely out of service for the time being. In reflecting on the experience I felt a lot like I did when I went on a night dive in Honduras when I was 17 years old. When the underwater light was turned off I completely lost all sense of direction and inky blackness closed in on me. The panic that hit me was of complete confusion accompanied with a dread of not knowing how to get out. Very similar to this morning’s experience. So, the weird OBE is not one I would like to revisit.

Levels

The explanations of the levels I was getting in my dreams is curious to me. I wonder what these levels are, why I am being told to ascend them and for what purpose? I also wonder if the experience I had was to show me what the lower level was like. Whatever that “lower” level is. I can tell you that it was not a place I would like to stay. Anything that dark cannot be good. Yet, thankfully, I never once had a feeling of dread or a feeling that something bad was going to happen. I just wanted out of there for some unknown reason.

Any ideas what these levels are? If you know, please fill me in. 🙂