Tag Archives: self-projected projector

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Seeing Myself

A recent situation in my life has brought me some much needed clarity. My understanding in the end is that a huge part of my journey is understanding that I must first see myself and only then can I be true to myself.

In summary, a group I have long been associated with via my husband, has rejected me (again). In this particular situation, my husband was the one pushing me to “try again”. I’ve had great success in the past using the methods of this group to gain clarity and make progress energetically and spiritually. However, there came a time when they refused me their services unless I followed their specific route. Their way did not align with my way, so I refused, and have been “stuck” in terms of that path ever since. So, when my husband and SIL began to push for the group to make an exception, I didn’t refuse their help because if I could get more assistance via their methods I knew it would be very helpful. I told my husband to go ahead and try but I didn’t think it would work out. I had a strong Knowing, in fact.

In the end, the group did nothing different than before and the cycle is now “dead”

The whole incident had me thinking of groups and how, no matter what group I am a part of, I end up feeling like I don’t belong. I’m just not a follower nor am I someone who enjoys groups. I am a leader but then my design makes me one of those leaders people won’t follow, at least not groups of people, because my reasons for what I do is “just because I Know” and most people want logical reasons. I don’t work like that. However, I remember listening to a Ra video where he said of all the people who he would follow it would be the person with the 1-8 channel, like me, because THEY KNOW. We do our own thing and it is correct. People follow the others but eventually they see our path was the right one but it is too late, they fell off the cliff following the other “logical” fellow. Ha!

So it is no wonder I don’t fit into this particular “group”. I am only bitter because, as usual, they don’t see that my Knowing is correct for me and keep trying to force their more logical path on me. They resent my independent nature, look down upon me, judge me for being true to my own path. I know my path is correct. I don’t have real reasons for this, but I will give you some to make you feel better. lol However, those reasons will never be enough for others. They will still think their path is better. It might be – for them. For me it doesn’t fit and so I go my own way. It really rubs them the wrong way when they hear I have the abilities I have, abilities they are all trying to get but haven’t found, when I haven’t done it their way. They think I am not truthful or that I am elaborating or something. It is a no win situation for me if I seek approval or validation from them. It won’t be coming. EVER. Not unless I pretend to believe their path is correct for me, which I can’t do for long. I do not have a poker face. lol It (the pretense) always falls down in a pile of bitterness at my feet and they look at me, shocked and full of judgment.

It is very true for me that the only approval and validation I will ever get is by being true to myself. The approval will either come from within, where I feel that little spark that says, “Yes! This is correct!” or it will come from a rare few who are in awe of me but I won’t understand why. The fact is, I don’t care about what the group thinks or says, not really. If I lead myself to believe this, I get hurt – bad. This not-self behavior was conditioned into me from an early age and is part of all my undefined centers. People just can’t swallow that I don’t care – truly – what the group or others think. It makes them want to label me as anti-social, selfish, narcissistic, etc. I’ve become very good at pretending in an attempt to make others feel more comfortable around me. It is a lie for the most part. I will always be the black sheep in a group setting.

My husband hates that I don’t care what he or others think. He cares very much (but his design says he is more similar to me). He cares a lot about what the group thinks and works very hard to be part of it. He fights with himself. I see the constant internal struggle. He wants to be like me, to not care and “go his own way” and will blow up at the group on occasion, but generally he plays along, convinced he needs to be an accepted part of the group. I think he is with me to live vicariously through me because he lacks courage to really be himself. He tells me this often in various ways. He values my independence and my ability to stand alone despite others riling against me.

I think my path now is to recognize and embrace these things about myself while tossing the lingering resentment that has come from a lifetime of trying to fit in and never achieving it. It has come with some nasty lessons. So often I feel bad when I am true to myself because someone seems to always get their feelings hurt. They can’t understand why I am so “cold” and seemingly “uncaring”. It isn’t that I don’t care, it is that I don’t have the energy to pretend to go along with whatever drama they are playing out. I can see past their present into the future and know that their dramatic reaction is unnecessary. But they never think to ask me to share my wisdom. They are caught up in the present, unable to see me through their judgment and whatever high emotion they are moving through.

One of the hardest things for me is to observe but not be asked what I see, nor does anyone even notice I am there most of the time. It is like I have noticed many times over this lifetime. I feel like I am standing in the eye of the hurricane, watching everyone circulate through chaos around me but not being able to do or say anything to change it. It isn’t that I don’t experience the chaos, either, I do. It is more that I am able to step in and out of it at will. In the past I thought it out of my control, but really it isn’t . The older I get, the more I recognize this gift I have.

It is no wonder I am retreating into hermit mode. I will probably be there the rest of my life. No more seeking out groups to be rejected because I want so badly to be invited to share my wisdom. It is pointless. Trying to force that to happen is just asking for a negative experience. So, it is best to just enjoy my solitude and let some passerby notice me and call me out. It is a one in a million chance, too, because there are so few designed to truly SEE me. I just have to have faith that the right ones will be led my way. In the meantime, I will just dance to the beat of my own drum inside my hermitage.

For those not familiar with my Human Design chart, here it is. Maybe it will give you insight into me and so understand all I wrote above:

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HD Self-Projected Projector: Speak Your Truth

I consistently hear that Self-Projected Projectors (SPPs) need to use their voice (speak out loud) to find clarity. I’d always thought that my journal writing and blogging was as good as using my actual voice but am beginning to second guess this. The more I read the experiences of other SPP’s, the more I’m reminded of times when I did use my voice and how it made me feel when I used it.

This morning I read a comment in an SPP group. The person suggested to the original poster that they should have someone not only available to listen but also to ask questions. The questions are perhaps the most important since it is through questions that deeper clarity is gained.

When I read this comment I was transported to memories of times when I had an interested audience who asked questions for clarification. In all instances, whether spiritual or otherwise, when I spoke it was a surprise to me what came out. It was so wise and Knowing! My closest friends knew this about me and would frequently ask me questions to pull the knowledge out. Every time this occurred I would feel wonderful and….successful.

I thoroughly enjoyed it for a while, until the information no longer flowed. Why was that? Perhaps it is because I have no one to listen or ask questions anymore? Even my blog has seemingly gone flat with fewer views, likes and comments. Without that interaction the inspiration doesn’t flow and neither does the information and Knowing.

The few times someone has been available to listen, I’ve become so emotional that I struggle to speak. My throat closes up and this pressure feels to build until it is almost unbearable. The emotion has to be released. Without an outlet the emotion becomes stuck, blocked and stagnant.

The people in the SPP group have various methods of using their voice, mostly apps for voice recordings and journaling. These methods have never appealed to me. Why is that? It doesn’t feel safe to me. I think it is because I am surrounded by my family most all the time but also because, growing up, I was judged and criticized for using my voice to speak my truth. The more acceptable method was singing but, again, only sometimes.

I’ve tried creating videos but these don’t appeal to me either. I’m too critical of how I look. I judge my appearance harshly and feel that others will immediately judge me for how I speak, look or act as well as for what I share. Watching myself on video makes me cringe. Hearing myself isn’t much better.

It is when I speak with another in-person that I feel most comfortable. Groups of people are also comfortable, but only if they all show an interest in what I have to say. In other words, only if there is an invitation given.

If I think back on those moments when my spiritual experiences and Kundalini were at the most amazing and awe-inspiring, it was because someone was there to listen, someone who wanted to hear what I had to say, who was interested in me and my truth, and who encouraged me to share by asking questions. Without them I wonder if I would’ve had any breakthroughs at all? Maybe but not nearly as many.

So how do I proceed from here? How do I put myself in a situation where there are others willing to listen without judgement and who eagerly ask the right questions?

Perhaps I will try to out the apps mentioned in the group just to see if it works. Right now I know that what I have been doing is no longer working. I’m blocked emotionally and tired of feeling numb. The emotion is there, I know it is, but without someone to ask the right questions, will recording myself work?

As I wrote that last question I heard from within the quiet Voice that has always been there and Knew instantly that the questions are available if I listen for them. In fact, throughout this lifetime that Voice has asked me questions, nudging me forward, taking me deeper, pushing me into action when the time was right.

Still, though, I think the time has come for me to start slowly emerging from my hermitage. Alone is great until it isn’t. The problem is, I don’t.want.to (picture stubborn child hiding in the corner). Someone will have to lure me out of hiding with something irresistible. Until then, I guess I will try talking out loud to myself and see if it helps. Hopefully no one overhears me (gawd). lol

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2nd Lines, Projectors and the Holidays

How was your Thanksgiving? Hopefully, a pleasant one. 🙂 Mine was better than usual, but only because I set an intention that it would not be the dreaded, anxiety ridden, energy depleting day it normally is for me.

As a Projector with a 2nd line (6/2 Self-Projected), all holidays, even birthday celebrations, tend to invoke feelings of anxiety among other not so pleasant feelings. It’s not because I’ve had “traumatic” experiences around the holidays, either. It’s because the energy surrounding the holidays is just plain exhausting. The more people involved, the more exhausting. If all holidays just disappeared, it would be fine by me! Well, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. I guess I would prefer it if the holidays were slower, involved only very small groups of people (like 6 or less) and focused on the true meaning rather than becoming a “keeping up with the Jones'” materialistic heyday.

Let’s face it. The holidays as we know them – well all large gatherings and celebrations – are Generator created. The Generator motto is “the more the merrier” or “come one, come all!”. Even the hermits (2nd lines) of the Generating type tend to feel this way, though they are more selective when it comes to who’s involved in the gathering. For those of us who are non-Generating types, this leaves us with only two options – choose not to participate at all or suck it up and “deal”. And who really, deep down wants to be left out? We humans need other humans. Even hermits have to go out and interact to stay sane.

In a 2nd line FB group I’m a part of, on Thanksgiving day, a fellow Projector and 2nd line was bragging about how he was happily spending Thanksgiving day alone. Lots of people in the group (all 2nd lines) chimed in about how they were doing the same. This is all and well – to each his own – but I couldn’t help but feel a bit sad for them, too, because, well, just because they are hermits doesn’t mean they aren’t wishing they had at least one other someone to share the day with.

2nd line Hermits do not always want to be alone. And to be clear, alone here means “not around other people” versus alone as in spending time with themselves to heal and get in tune with their own energy. If they say they do, they are lying or they are in temporary recluse mode and it WILL pass. Projectors don’t want to be alone either, and if we say we do, it is because we’ve been rejected so many times that we feel we aren’t wanted anyway. As a 2nd line Projector I can say for a fact that all I want – all I’ve ever wanted – is to be seen and heard and accepted. The ONLY way for this to happen is to be around others. So, if you hear a Projector or a 2nd line boasting about how wonderful their life is because they are alone all the time – be suspicious but don’t argue.

When you get into Human Design, it is easy to over emphasize certain qualities of your profile and type, especially if you recognize something you missed about yourself before. I see this all the time. Projectors thinking they need to sleep all the time. Hermits thinking they should be alone all the time or glorifying alone time. Generators thinking they should have lots of energy all the time. Eventually, as they progress through the deconditioning process, they come into communication with themselves, listening to their strategy and authority, and no longer need to prove anything.

Intention is Everything

This Thanksgiving my husband was out of town (still is) and that left me doing things I prefer not to, like driving and talking to family to coordinate among other things. Driving on the highway is nerve wracking for me these days, mostly because I can sense the other drivers on the road among other things. Talking to family (or anyone), well if it involves phones, is something I avoid, too. So, rather than focus on all the things I didn’t want, I decided to focus on what I did want. I wrote this in my journal Thanksgiving morning:

My plan today is to visualize how I want things to go, to stay in present time as much as I can, to remember to breathe, focus on enjoying family and listen to my authority when it says “enough is enough”. I will also practice active listening and speak only when invited to share my wisdom. So, I probably won’t be talking too much except for normal chit-chat (which I abhor and can’t tolerate for long). If I feel too much, I will find a place to retreat far from Generator auras (at least 12 feet). If someone approaches me while I am in retreat, I will not run but excuse myself graciously without insulting them.

I went on to write about how I’ve experienced the holidays in the past:

For many, the holidays are a time they look forward to. For me, even as a kid I didn’t look forward to the holidays. At least at Christmas there were the gifts, at Halloween, candy and dressing up and Easter, egg hunts and more candy. Now days I don’t look forward to any of them really. They exhaust me just thinking about them. Even birthdays incite a big sigh. I often wish all holidays would be banned or at least limited to immediate family only. The big “come one, come all” gatherings are kryptonite to me. 

The day turned out much, much better than I expected, though, all thanks to setting an intention and keeping my focus in the present moment.

The Day

The drive to my mom’s was stressful but the traffic was low and I kept focusing on my intention. Thankfully, my kids were in good spirits and so that made the drive go much faster.

When we arrived, my mom’s two friends were already there but they were the kind to keep to themselves. They had two small dogs, one a toy Aussie, that reminded me of Monty. The energy was calm and nice. Yay!

When everyone else arrived the energy changed very little and I felt relaxed to the point that my hands were warm and I kept yawning. This is unlike me and surprised me to the point that I mentioned it. My uncle seemed to notice, though, and smiled when he nudged me and told me, “don’t fall asleep”. 

My cousin asked me to come see her new car and then told me about her car accident. This cousin tends to be very talkative and exhausting, but I just listened and acknowledged her and didn’t feel any exhaustion from out interaction. She rolled her car one early morning earlier this year and came out unscathed. She told me she wondered why she was allowed to live, especially when a friend of hers with two children died around the time of her accident. I reminded her that she must be here for a reason.

She also mentioned how, when she looks back on her life, she doesn’t recognize herself anymore and it was at that time I thought to myself, “I bet she is a 6/2 MG”. She told me she had spent her entire savings ($3k) to buy her new car. An idea popped into my head to send her $1,000.00 as a Christmas gift with a note, “To help rebuild your savings”. I thought about telling her but then decided to keep it a surprise. I knew if I had asked her if she wanted money she would’ve told me no.

My cousin sat next to me at dinner and we talked for a bit about lots of various things. The more she told me, the more certain I was that she was a 6/2. Eventually, I brought up human design and asked her for her birth info. When I pulled up her chart I smiled and showed her the profile and type that came up: 6/2 MG! I was spot on!

Afterward, me and the kids went to my cousin’s to look at her new baby goats and chicks. The kids enjoyed it very much as they held goats and little chicks. My little 2/4 Generator boys really loved it! 

On the drive home I realized I still had enough energy to go to the second gathering, something I didn’t think would happen. So, we attended the second gathering, with all my husband’s family and friends. It wasn’t at all bad and I felt very at ease, my hands still warm and my body relaxed. I was even asked how things were going and I explained how relaxed I had been all day and still was. I told them I suspected that the absence of my husband helped with that because he is super energetic. They all agreed, saying, “He’s the most energetic of all of us.”

A coworker and family friend was sitting across from me at the table. I stayed at the table after everyone had left as did he and his new wife. Somehow we got into a conversation and he talked more than I had ever heard him talk before while I practiced active listening. He seemed genuinely pleased to be talking to me, too, not strained or self-conscious. The topic of friends came up and he told me, “I’m not looking for friends. Friend are too much work.” I laughed out loud and said, “You sound like me! I’ve said those exact words many times.” We talked more about it and everything he described sounded very much like me – his avoidance of groups, his preference to be alone, his perception of others. I remember thinking to myself, “He’s either a 2nd line or a Projector…or both.” 

My kids were begging me to leave so I had to literally pull myself away from the conversation because he wanted to keep talking. I did, too, but the kids weren’t having it, so I left. It was so nice to find someone within the group who was like me! In the past I had seen him and suspected he was “different” and now I know why. I was sensing he was like me, same as he was sensing I was like him. 

I’ve never met a male Projector (that I know of) but when I researched his birthday (he is an employee so I have access to it), it turned out he is probably a Projector. I entered various birth times and the morning time and evening times make him a Projector. He is either a 3/5 or 4/6 Splenic Projector. There was no 2nd line in any profile type that came up for him. Based upon my experiences with 3/5 and 4/6 profile types, I would think he fits the 3/5 more, but I can’t be certain since I have limited experience with 4/6. 

Interestingly, I also discovered my SIL (the hostess of the gathering) is also probably a Projector. I kept noticing her energy at the gathering and compared to the others’ energy there, hers is much more accepting and calm. So, I looked up her chart using the information I have (no birth time). She could be a 2/4 Emotional Manifestor, but that only came up once in the 6 birth times I entered. She is either a 3/5, 2/5 or 2/4 Emotional Projector. Since I haven’t asked her birth time, I can only guess which one she is but I know, based upon how calm I feel around her, that she is not a Generating type. My guess is she’s a 3/5 Projector because she doesn’t have hermit tendencies.

If I am right, that means that my husband and his brothers all ended up with non-Generating types! One married a Projector, the other a Manifestor, and then my husband married me, a Projector. My husband’s parents were a MG-Projector couple, his mom being the Projector. My guess is they subconsciously selected women with similar energy to their mom. 

When I take a look around me at the auras that surround me I am intrigued by all the Projectors and Manifestors that are there! 3 Projectors and 2 Manifestors out of ten family members total and now the one family friend, too. This isn’t including all the Hermits (2/4’s), of which there are just as many! It is clear to me that this is no coincidence. I am surrounded by people who I can relate to and who can relate to me and energies that complement my own. Pretty awesome!

Intention Setting

I’ve been having some amazing wins with intention setting lately. I already wrote about my dentist anxiety issues and my success with that. Well, it happened again when I went in to get my permanent crown. I was relaxed and falling asleep in the dentist chair! And my Thanksgiving intention was also a success, even beyond what I had imagined!

Last night I spoke to my SIL who lives in Costa Rica, the one I stayed with for a month. She pointed out how proud she was of me for setting intentions and manifesting what I wanted. She reminded me that, while I was in Costa Rica, she and I worked on exactly that – intention. Specifically I brought back with me the decision that I would focus on what I wanted to feel and experience rather than on what I did not. When I think back on how I transformed my dentist and Thanksgiving experiences, I realize that is all I did – focus on what I wanted to feel. I have a tendency to focus on what I don’t want, which only makes it seem bigger and then brings it into my present experience. But I’ve been shifting that more and more lately, setting intentions to be in the present and pulling myself out of the past and future when I find my mind wandering. It is working and it is wonderful!

On Thanksgiving, when I decided to listen more and talk less, wonderful things happened. I became receptive to receiving from others, which I don’t normally do. I typically retract and retreat, which is a very lonely (alone) place to be. Because I was open to receiving, I discovered two Projectors in my life and recognized aspects of myself in my cousin, someone I’ve always struggled to connect with. As a Projector, my gift to others is that I make them feel seen, even other Projectors. I can only do this, though, when I follow my strategy and authority. My Not-Self says, “retract and retreat” but my strategy and authority say, “Listen” and “Be open to receive”. Duh.

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My HD Foundation Reading

Monday I had my Human Design Foundation Reading. It’s taken me a while to gather all the data from it and I am still processing the information, but I want to share what I have now for those of you who may be considering getting a foundation reading yourself.

First, I highly recommend a HD Foundation Reading to anyone curious about Human Design. Even with all the self-study I did, I gained so much more than just data from the experience.

Notes from Reading

Below are my notes from the reading. Maybe some day I will organize my notes into a proper report, but for now this will do.

Defined Centers – represent our reliable Self. Mine are the G-Center and Throat. These centers can initiate positive and negative reactions in others. One particular negative reaction I may encounter is in response to my voice, which tends to be very commanding, loud and have a certain intensity to it that some people find offensive or intolerable. Note: I have often been told I am “too loud” and “your voice hurts”. I try to tone it down but when I am excited or passionate about what I’m talking about, I just can’t control the intensity of my voice. Positive examples: As a teacher, having a loud and commanding voice easily gets and keeps the attention of students. As a singer, projection of my voice has never been an issue.

Undefined Centers (I have 4) – Wisdom potential. Positive in that they represent my natural potential to see others clearly. Negative in that I can easily assume I need to consistently function in certain way when it’s not my nature (be fixed when I’m not).

Completely open centers (I have 3) – These centers represent areas where I have completed learning of the themes of those centers (mastered them). It is my greatest access to wisdom. So, I have mastered the head center, heart center and solar plexus center and all themes they encompass. Yay!

Completely open solar plexus – I can have no emotion (seem cold/uncaring) or have every emotion (overly emotional).

I have a very particular design: I have a highly selective natural body (a 2nd line natural) which means I’m very specific about who I “take in”. As a Projector with a 2nd line, I am looking for a very specific energy to take in. Think of it as “eating energy”. I don’t just take in parts of someone’s energy, I take it all in very deeply.

Generating types can make me feel “alien”. I am constantly “scanning” their energy for what I want “to eat”. I’m looking for someone who will value me for my presence. Note: I told her that I felt like I was always looking for something but rarely find it. She said I’m looking for a specific energy in others auras.

I should look at myself as a “very specialized instrument” and accept that “I’m special”. I had an emotional response to this because my guidance said to me, “See. I told you you’re special. Listen to her.” lol

My purpose is tied to my 1-8 Channel of Inspiration. I’m here for a certain refined beauty and uniqueness that’s not common but “beautiful”. She uses an analogy of an “orchid in a pine forest”.

My Question: If I’m so special, why does my life not reflect that back to me? Why does my outer reality not reflect my inner reality?

The answer was that to get to that point I need to decondition. I need to rearrange my outer reality while clearing my inner one (clearing, healing).

When a Projector has only one channel like I do, then my purpose is very, very specific. I am here to use my voice to empower and inspire others. It is a very creative channel and only I will know what my specific talent is.

Creative Expression – Won’t feel like work. I will know “this is why I’m here”. Empowering others, empowers me.

I can be completely invisible to many, but at the same time I will be “everything” to certain others.

My ability to reflect is attractive – makes others feel to be with themselves but not alone, makes them feel “special” because of my attention.

Others want my attention because I amply them/their energy. It can make me feel “used”, like a receptacle, and “fed on” in a way that exhausts me. In exchange, I process all their crap. It can make me want to retreat and say “just leave me alone!” Note: This is exactly how I feel!

My personal sun is in Gate 33 Retreat in the 6th line which is the most removed and aloof. 6th lines have a foot in the other world and are not into mundane BS. They need to retreat to process and take what was a weakness and turn it into a strength. This takes time.

Mid-Life – I’m getting near the last phase of the 3 phases of the 6th line, shifting from pessimism to optimism. Mid-Life can feel like a pane of glass is placed between me and the rest of the world. I can feel very disconnected or behind a wall. This is to give me room/time to rest, reflect, heal and recover. I’m meant to realign with True Self during this time.

Last Phase/Role Model – When I hit 50, and if I’ve rested and recovered properly, I get to step out into the world and be the Role Model. I will be a living demonstration of how to be in this world but not OF it.

Deconditioning – 1st phase is spitting out all the poison/bitterness. Over time, I will have less and less tolerance to the point of wanting to “run” from those things which make me feel wrong/bitter/uneasy. All Projectors realize at some point that we can’t hack it in a “normal” way. We can’t produce, work, be busy like Generators. We can’t win at this “normal thing”. Note: This happened to me in my late 30’s. I started to drop things one by one in order to manage life and feel more at ease.

Gate 1 & 2 are lit up in my G-Center – One is pure receptive, the other pure creative. She described it as “feminine and masculine depth”, I’m both yin and yang (receptive and penetrative) at my core.

Relationships – the foundation of relationship for me is empowerment, inspiration and creativity. I’m here to get inspired by my HS and share it with others. “Empowerment and creative connection to the Higher Self” is my purpose. I’m very “anti-mundane”. I need to “revel in my own beauty”. I’m naturally optimistic and naturally transmit this to others.

Gate 20 – Presence. I can be very checked out if I want to. If I feel that I don’t want to be with or around a person or in an environment then I need to leave or find a way to be alone.

Personality Sun – disassociation – the ability to let go and not be handicapped by consistent recriminations. I enjoy my own space so need to go to it when feeling any of the above feelings. It will feel like I just need to “get out”.

6th line can make me feel like part of me is pulled away from life. It pulls me away to heal and find a unique perspective. When I come back I can be a living example. For a 6th line is it detrimental to be a hypocrite. lol

Genius design Sun-Earth – the natural receptive genius.

1st line Earth – Venus exalted as beauty. “Love is Light” the grounding of my body is a frequency of love and light that emanates from me when in my correct frequency. To some I’m captivating, interesting and different and they try to hold onto me. They expect me to be the representative of the group. I have a compelling, undeniable, demanding voice and am here to speak its truth.

My Motivation is desire. I’m motivated by what I want. I spend the first two cycles of my life figuring out what I want and eventually I will know exactly what I want and go for it. When I don’t Know, I need to accept and not make any decisions until I do Know. The Not-Knowing is where creative potential and liberation take root. These can also be very empty times and very melancholic. The 1-8 Channel says, “I Know and I don’t Know”.

It goes something like this, “I don’t Know, I don’t Know, I don’t know….Oh! I Know! (go after it)” then it repeats but the “not Knowing” is much more frequent. Note: So true! I completely related to this!

Trajectory – Follower – I follow my own, unique path. Note: I was worried it meant I was a follower which does not feel right. I am relieved it means that I am independent and do my own thing because that is how I am!

Final Comments from Reader – I have the capacity to be an amazing guide if I don’t misidentify with others emotions. I am highly transpersonal. Over my lifetime I will become more and more aloof and cool. I don’t “sit in the realm of dense drama” like others do.

On Connection Themes

Connection chart of me and my mom. Theme 9-0 Nowhere to go.

In a previous post I had questions about the connection themes I was encountering when creating connection charts. This is what she told me:

They are rhymes that go with the number of defined centers in the relationship vs the undefined ones.

9-0 Nowhere to go – All 9 centers defined. A relationship that is compelling, the two people are in their “own world”, it’s difficult to get out of the relationship because of this. The mechanics of the connection hold it together in a consistent way (all nine centers are defined).

8-1 Have some fun – 8 defined centers and one undefined. The one undefined center acts as a window to the world where the two can look at the world together. Mechanics are strong enough to hold the relationship together but they have space to move.

After the two above, the other connections are not held together by the mechanics so more work is needed to keep the relationship together.

7-2 Work to do – I don’t recall what she said about this one but basically it was that the two had to work to keep the relationship going.

6-3 Better to be free – Expectations need to align. If they don’t, it will be hard to keep this relationship together.

5-4 Not in a relationship anymore – The only time there is a consistency to this relationship is “when the stars align”. Otherwise, the mechanics do not keep it together and the two easily drift apart.

Based upon my design nodes, I need consistency within a relationship. I need a certain amount of regularity of contact. So, the best relationship themes for me would be the first two because of the consistency inherent in them.

The first two themes require less work because the mechanics will hold the relationship together. I have a 9-0 with my mother and I find it is true. When together, we are in our own little world. I am also always drawn back to her. But then she IS my mother! lol

I’ve never had a romantic relationship with someone where our connection was 9-0 or 8-1, so I don’t know if it is true that they would be easier than the others. My guess, based upon my poor track record, is anything would be easier than 6-3 and 5-4!!

Other Thoughts

After my reading I was able to ask questions and soundboard a bit, which was nice. What was interesting was what I heard come out of my own mouth. When I said certain things, I felt energy and emotion in a wave and knew this was confirmation that what I was saying is my truth. This is a self-projected Projector thing. We need to soundboard and I so rarely get to speak to others in this way! Writing is a nice substitute but not the same.

I will likely have another session with the reader. She is a 5/1 Mental Projector and I felt very at ease with her. I mainly just need someone to listen so I can hear what comes out and take note of what feels true and what doesn’t. I have so few people that I can do this with. My mom is one and I was able to talk to her this weekend for quite some time. Another is a friend who is also a Projector but lives in another state. That is it. As a Hermit this is really not unusual, though.

I’m also considering taking the Living Your Design course next. Everything I have learned about HD resonates and continues to support my reality and how I experience life. Not even one detail I’ve learned about my design has felt off to me. That is unusual because even with all other spiritual tools I’ve encountered inconsistencies.

So, I’m jumping into deconditioning head first. Based upon what I learned in my reading, I’ve already begun spitting out the “venom”. lol

by

Let Them Eat Cake

Strange dreams lately and they go all night long. Yet none of them seem significant really. It is more like I am doing “work” of some kind that I am not suppose to consciously know about. Or maybe I am visiting other lives in other dimensions parallel to this one?

Some examples:

Dream of washed out bridge and high flood waters. I only recall bits and pieces. I was with a group and we were to travel across this bridge and along this particular road. Where we are going is unknown. Information is presented to the group that a huge flood has wiped out the bridge and the flood waters are still high and turbulent. When we get to the bridge it is very dangerous to try to cross. There are no paths around and going through or over is particularly high risk. What I recall most vividly is seeing a large, concrete bridge poking out of flood waters that are a yucky, puke brown color. The water is swirling and frothing and very turbulent as it forms eddies and whirlpools around the bridge. 

Interpretation – bridges symbolize change, connecting points to make progress towards something. This bridge collapses under the pressure of flood waters which symbolizes high emotion to the point of becoming destructive. Since the bridge collapses an opportunity to progress is missed or broken.

Dream of old couple’s house. I visited a couple living in a quaint house somewhere in the country. The location reminded me of North Dakota or somewhere with vast plains and farmlands. I recall that work was being done on the home inside and out. The inside was dirty with dishes in the sink and dust. Items needed to be moved and rearranged but otherwise all was in working order. Outside I remember being told to move a very large fence beam off to the side. I placed it alongside a road. The beam was almost the length of a football field yet I was easily able to move it. I remember walking along the side of the road and seeing various pillows tossed about. I asked the old man if he wanted them and he did so I told another man to go pick them up. The other man felt like an ex-convict yet he was helping so I didn’t judge him for his past. The old woman was also there but mainly to nod her approval of the process. The last thing I recall is talking to the woman about someone I know in this life. She told me he was in a relationship with a woman who was very negative and controlling and made sure no one visited without her prior knowledge. When I asked why he was with her, I was told that this woman tended to his needs. I saw a mental picture of her rubbing his back and soothing him, much like a mother would a son. I remember telling the old lady, “He wouldn’t even let me touch him.”

Interpretation – It seems that I am exploring a part of my past from another lifetime or perhaps a potential that never materialized. The house, or lifetime, is dirty and dusty which means neglected or forgotten. The fence, which symbolizes a barrier of some kind, is taken down, allowing me access. Pillows are comfort and being they are scattered about it likely means the comfort once felt has been scattered about, too. The discussion at the end is the summary of what the house scene represents. 

Dream of being in jail and pregnant. I remember that I was sentenced to time in prison. The prison was not like normal ones with bars and such. Instead it was quite low security with rooms more like a rehabilitation center. I remember going into a room with a group of other girls/women. The room had showers and seemed to be a place I visited often. I was given a number and went to a locker that was made of metal wire and see-through. Inside were people and I seemed to shrink down and become small to go into the locker to be with them. The next thing I recall is being told I was in labor. I don’t recall feeling pregnant really or feeling any labor pains but I was upset because I wanted my mother to be there during the process. I was told she couldn’t be and I would have to do it alone. This upset me very much and I began to cry and wail in protest. 

Interpretation – Jail symbolizes feeling stuck or trapped. Showers are healing. Lockers indicate I am seeking something lost or hidden. I shrink down which means I focus in on what is inside this hidden aspect. I find others, so likely my soul family who I travel with in this lifetime. I am pregnant, which symbolizes potential rebirth. News about my mother is upsetting which likely indicates that I feel I need guidance from my HS but it is not forthcoming. I am told I must do it alone (they won’t tell me what to do) which is always hard to hear but I hear it often. 

Dream of turbulent sea. This dream seemed to also take place in jail-type environment. I was young and with a group of others my age. We were in school learning and somehow ended up inside a book we were reading. I remember watching as well as being in the scenes. There was a vast, pitch black, turbulent sea. The waves were high and tossing us about. In the water there was this large, grid-like, black structure that moved through the water like it had stealth technology. It seemed like something was being explained to me but I only recall that the end result was positive. 

Interpretation – the sea usually symbolizes calmness and inner strength but since it is black (the unknown) and turbulent (high emotion) then it indicates upheaval. The grid-like structure reminds me of the grid-like, black liquid that I felt poured upon my energy body a couple of times now. It is always over my mid-section near my sacral. My guess is this dream represents a conversation about this healing work.

HD

Upon waking this morning I was once again thinking of HD. Rather than be critical of myself for what might be weaknesses or drawbacks of my particular design, I embraced it. One thing I am usually really critical about is how much I dislike people in general and don’t want to be around them. I recognized that I do like to be around people but prefer the contact be distant such as when I go shopping or on walks. It is more personal, one-on-one interactions that I avoid. 

What is interesting is that when I woke up my friend had reacted to a comment I made in a FB message  yesterday. She waited until later to react which I find synchronistic. My friend is also a Projector like me so understands and can relate to much of my emotional response to life. This was my comment:

“I think the part that pisses me off the most about being a Projector is that we are completely Other-oriented and I really dislike other people in general and want them to all leave me alone (Generators at least). But I am a 2nd line and that goes with the territory.”

Her reaction was to laugh, which I can understand. I have even laughed about it! Yet the comment relays very accurately how I feel and have felt my entire life. 

When considering the comment and my feelings I understand that it is through my experiences as a Projector that I developed this emotional response to life and the general Generator majority. All the way through until my mid-thirties I felt a genuine desire to help whoever I could but now that desire has waned and grown almost completely non-existent. It is because of my failure to help that this occurred, or at least my consideration that I failed to help. My guides tell me otherwise. 

As early as my teens I wanted to get away from people and places with lots of people. High school was one such place and my entire high school only had about 100 students! But to me, that was way too many people because I sensed from the majority of my classmates a lack of genuineness. But the part that was really difficult to accept is that few were interested in changing that. I was lucky to have found a single friend who was open to what I had to offer but our senior year she drifted away leaving me alone. I was okay with that because I knew my friend well enough to know it was a phase and by that time I saw freedom ahead, freedom from the close-minded, sleepwalking majority (or so I thought).

When I ended up in Montana I soon realized that less populated places didn’t ease my misery. It wasn’t the number of people that was the problem, it was the quality of people. My move to Alaska proved that and then some and I hightailed it back to Texas.

Embracing the fact that people were not the issue, I tried to use my gifts to help with mixed success. I still found myself both alone and not alone at the same time. Part of me loved the alone time while another part craved a significant partner and small group of like-minded friends. It was a miserable place to be and I still experience this internal split to this day. 

And no matter how hard I tried, it seemed my “help” was not wanted. I went unheard, ignored or ostracized. The only time someone wanted to hear me was when they were getting predictions of their future. People would flock to me in that regard. “Tell me what will happen”, “Tell me what to do”, “Tell me….” to the point that their words repeated with such regularity that I began to despair. The answers I gave were always the same – “Your future is what you make it. You have free-will. You already Know, just Look.” No one wanted to hear that, though, did they? They still don’t. Sigh. 

As a 6/2, Self-Projected Projector, I can feel when my messages are accepted and when they are not. The minute, no the second, the other hears something they don’t want to hear, I might as well be on mute. My words do not hit home. They are lost in the wind. 

Most of the time, the Other wants to babble on about things that really don’t matter, things they have been conditioned to talk about, things they feel have been done to them (victim mentality), plans they have, material things they want, or complaints and excuses. This list goes on. They don’t realize I can see into them, to their core, and I know when they are using words/communication to fill that uncomfortable space. I know the truth behind the words. I sense the insecurity underneath. The desire to be accepted. Their hesitancy to speak their truth and the reasons behind it. And the more I sit and listen to this babbling, the more uncomfortable I get. Their energy is actually painful after a while. I feel sucked dry of my energy to the point that if I don’t get away I might pass out right then and there.

When I am around people who are talking via their Not-Self (most people) I literally can’t physically stand it for long. When I was younger I felt this, too, but I thought something was wrong with me so I made myself follow the “rules” and pleasantries only to later feel resentment (bitter). Why? They just don’t want to hear me, I mean really HEAR me, because to do that means they have to hear themselves. 

So now, nearing my mid-forties, I honestly do not like nor want to be around other people. I am certain now, though, that “most” people are the Generators of the world. I understand that the reason I am not driven to use my gifts “to help” is the result of so many failures to really get through to others. Sure, I help by telling them what I see for their future, but that is so superficial, so pointless really. If no real perception shift was created by my time with them, then, to me, I failed.

So I say, “What’s the point? Let them eat cake.” 

I only use that quote because it is what popped into my head. Yet at the same time I realize it is true, but not because I feel that I am better somehow than everyone else. No. Because “cake” symbolizes extravagance, indulgence…..everything that is materialism. Others are so distracted by the material and it is the reason they refuse to hear, to Know, to See, to confront the illusion. 

From what I’ve read about Projectors like me (6/2 Self-Projected), we are meant to be optimists, to see humanity’s possibilities despite the great many negatives inundating the world today. I don’t think that will ever be me. I try to be a realist but tend mostly towards pessimism. The difference is realists look for creative solutions while pessimists have just given up. Perhaps something will change before I die but I will not hold my breathe. Humanity as it is, in my opinion, is doomed to self-destruct. The most I can hope for is that I find at least one other like me who I can hold onto, confide in, be my true Self with, to live out the rest of my years with. 

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