Monthly Archives: May 2015

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MOAB

For the past two nights I have slept super hard, so hard that it is difficult to recall my dreams. I wake knowing I have had in-depth conversations, lessons and interactions with my HS and guides, but specifics are lost very quickly. I feel as if it is erased purposefully, only remnants allowed to remain.

One of those remnants, or pieces of clarity, remained this morning. In this dream communication I was discussing my blog with someone and read aloud a comment I had received.

The comment was: “It looks like she’s of MOAB”.

I spent the remainder of the dream trying to decipher MOAB. I was certain it was spiritual in nature. I probably repeated the acronym ten times in the dream, usually letter by letter.

It may not be significant but my husband and I were discussing the LDS religion when I remembered the dream.

MOAB

I did not recall this portion of the dream until almost an hour after waking. My first thought upon waking was, “Isn’t that a city in Utah?” But I immediately threw that out because in the dream it was in all caps.

So I looked it up. This is what I discovered. I may not have found all significance:

1. Mother of all bombs or Massive Ordinance Air Blast

2. Explicit sexual term (I won’t write it out) meant as an insult

3. The seed of the father, the eldest son of Lot (Genesis 19:37)

4. A plain opposite of Jericho mentioned in the old testament;  the desirable land. Source

5. Represents the Protestant religion and referred to in a prophecy about the “End Days”. Source

6. City in Utah.

Biblical References

I would not call myself a religious person. In fact, I avoid organized religion in general. However,  I keep running into biblical names and references in my dreams and spiritual encounters. I cannot avoid coming to the conclusion that there is some significance in this. But what?

The feeling from my dream was this term, MOAB, was important. So important in fact that I repeated it to myself over and over again in order to remember it. I also attributed it to something spiritually significant. Other than that, I am at a loss. I guess the term will join the other names I have received along the way until their significance is revealed.

If anyone has any idea what this term could signify, please let me know.

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The Next Step – Message from the High Council

We are pleased that you are seeking our guidance during this time of acclimation and sublimation. We understand your interest and willingness to participate in your transformation. We assure you all is well and your recovery from the recent inflow of energy is complete.

Instructions will be given. Your patience is appreciated as is your diligence in this matter. We have come to the aid of many in the past century and this aid is increasing as ever more serious matters are coming into play. The world wars of the past have nothing in comparison with the strife that mankind can and will embark upon if driven to the brink of insanity and insanity is what many experience who resist the changes and charges entering the human energy field at this time.

All hope is not lost, never is it lost when there is heart in the human soul. Dissension and abrasiveness continues to plague many nations in politics, in society and in all things social in nature. This is part of the plan, of the game that we are playing toward the betterment of mankind. The dice will roll, the moves will be made and the ultimate choices are left to each individual as to what they will do with what they are given.

This, too, is your plight or may we say plot as this is much better a word to describe the actions with which you will move this body of yours and assist others along their own paths. Serious you may be but seriousness does nothing but bitter make you especially when the unforeseen sideswipes you from your path, seeming to detour you into other unknown realms. Be it known that it is wise to take precautions but it is not incumbent for you. It is much better and so it is advised that you follow the moment, follow your heart and allow your soul to guide you, trusting the way ahead is the one you are meant to travel.

Many questions you have asked, will ask and will continue to ask. The tendency to use the mind to analyze and take apart this thing or that will only lead you into stagnant waters. The new paradigm awaits you. The new path is through the heart, not the mind. It is through the heart that you will find your answers. They are without words but alive with feeling. These, these are the truth you seek. Nothing else will satiate your thirst. Be advised of this when next you find your mind filled with questions that culminate in more questions that culminate in circular answers. Science and thorough analysis can only take mankind so far.

This is the next step for you. Trust your heart. Learn to break the habits of the mind. This is uncharted territory for you and you will fumble as you fall victim to the traps of the mind. It is okay. With persistence you will succeed to assist others in similar endeavors.

The next uninitiated communication you will receive from us will come during the passing by Earth of a great meteor shower. Until then, we ask that you be patient and remain centered in your heart. Your mind, your Ego, does not like idleness. You must continue to teach it how to be silent.

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Two More False Beliefs

Session was very productive yesterday. I continued to delve into my false beliefs and found a couple more.

False Belief: Threats will get you what you want.

This was the first false belief I ran into. This one was very embedded within my psyche. This may be unbelievable to most of you, but I followed it all the way back 8.25 million years to its source. I would not have believed it myself except that first, long ago memory was very clear. As it is likely unreal and could potentially cause upset to those reading, I will not go into detail about what I re-experienced.

The experience of going that far back in time was quite a revelation to me. My human mind had difficulty accepting it or even the possibility that my consciousness having existed for that long. Yet my HS knows this to be true, to be fact. We are timeless; infinite.

I encountered a fear also of this vastness of time. It was almost a terror and it worried me while at the same time alerted me to the fact that this was illogical. Upon further inspection I explored the source of this fear in session and was able to determine that there is an event that occurred in my existence on the time track at approximately 1 million years ago. I did not explore any further than that since my focus now is on false beliefs but I am sure I will encounter this event at some point in my exploration of Self.

Note: This fear is exactly why I do not share with you the life I re-experienced as it could lead those ill prepared for such an exploration into ten times the reaction I had. One must only go where they are ready to go else face dire consequences.

False Belief: If I’m miserable, others must be miserable, too.

This one was a doozie. Thankfully, its source only went to 1888 and into a lifetime I was well aware of already. Unfortunately, I delved into parts of it that were devastating blows to the little, eight-year-old girl I was when it occurred. This life I previously wrote about in a post Past Lives Part II. The date says 1920 (the date of my death in that life) but the entire life was traumatic.  Most of the trauma began in 1888, after the death of my mother.

Since I already recounted most of that life in the other post, I will say here that this exploration of that life was to focus on when I caused someone to take on the belief that if they are miserable so then others must be made miserable. The end result was that I, as a little girl, assumed responsibility for the actions of my father in that lifetime. I held tons of guilt and felt I needed to be punished. This was, of course, wrong, but for a little girl who could not understand what was happening to her, this was the only thing that made sense. If your parent punishes you, then you must have deserved it – right? Wrong. So this life revealed much and as a result released lifetimes of pain, guilt, anger and loss.

Lots of Work

To those reading my accounts of the extrication and elimination process, you might think it is too fast, too easy to be possible. I want to share with you just how hard this has been and will be for me.

1. These lives are so horrible, so filled with pain, that it is very difficult to find them. One’s first reaction is to think they are not real, or made-up. This is a protective mechanism of the subconscious mind and must be surpassed in order to contact past lives containing intense emotion and other trauma. When I recall these lives it is very hard to get to the memory as it is very occluded but with persistence (and many times fear) I expose them.

2. It took me 6 hours to find and eliminate the above two false beliefs. I may still have more to eliminate on the second one. Much of the time was spent re-experiencing huge amounts of emotional release. Imagine tears, more tears and a feeling of having your heart ripped out over and over. Believe-it-or-not, when you re-experience the pain, it dissolves and what is left is an objective view of what happened. You can’t get to the objective part until you release the emotion that blankets the experience.

3. It takes courage and belief in Self to do this. It is not for the faint of heart, the timid or the fearful. I schedule my sessions only twice a week because I need a break in between to fully absorb the results (which are very rewarding and positive).

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OBE: Meeting Myself

For the first time in years I could not fall asleep last night. The download I received caused a trickle-down effect that had me overcome with both mental and physical energy. My entire body was alive with energy that seemed to hit me in pulses. Though not as intense as pre-OBE vibrations, they were noticeable enough to add to my restlessness. I also had tons of energy around my head, behind my head and at my crown.

Gentle Encouragement

at 1:30am I was finally fed up and threw a pillow across the room in frustration. I have session today and need sleep, so it was really bothering me that I may have to skip exploring more of my past lives. My frustration must have called my Higher Self because I heard a gentle voice remind me that I didn’t need as much sleep now and advised me to meditate. So I calmed down, propped up my pillows and attempted to meditate. However, my mind was buzzing and I could not calm so I had to do progressive muscle relaxation a couple of times.

OBE: Meeting Myself

The progressive muscle technique must have worked because the next thing I know I am inside a car looking up at a woman who is driving. I was suddenly fully aware that I was dreaming and fully aware that I was looking at myself driving. I said to myself, “You are dreaming”. She/I looked at me quizzically and kept driving, replying that she was not sure I was right. She gripped the steering wheel and I stood up and pointed to the sunroof. I began to climb up as I said, “See, watch”. I poked my head up out of the sunroof and felt the wind as it swept over my face and upper body. I could see the night sky and smell the air. Soon, the me driving, popped her head up and did the same. She laughed and closed her eyes.

Now no one was driving the car.

I turned to her and said, “You are me!” and she said, “Yes! And you are me!”. We both laughed and I found that I could take the perceptive of each Me without issue. I seemed neither more one or the other. There was a feeling of homecoming that is hard to describe and I had so much joy at this reunion that the moment will forever be locked in my memory. The cool air on my face, the brilliant night sky and my best friend, other half, Higher Self, sharing it with me.

The car continued on its own for some time and we enjoyed each others company. Then it headed off the road and toward a cliff. It went over the cliff and tumbled off into a lake far below. We both prepared to hit the dark water. I felt the water as I hit it and it seemed like I dropped forever, deeper and deeper into the abyss. I could sense the other me still in the car and disengaging later. I yelled out to her, “It will be okay. Keep swimming. Keep swimming toward the surface. We will get there!”. At this time there was a surreal feeling of the two of us becoming one with the stronger, braver of us being like a cheerleader and guide to the other part of us. Yet we were one.

I felt the panic of my other half but remained calm and continued to encourage her. My breathing was labored as I kept reminding myself that I could breathe under this water. It felt like forever as I forced myself to breathe and kept encouraging her/myself to keep swimming upward.

Finally we made it to the surface and jumped/hopped out of the water onto the bank. Here there was a moment where the me from this body was mesmerized by the other me. She was exactly like me in every detail. She told me, “Yes, we are the same. We are one.” She said other things, in fact we had an entire conversation here. I was over the moon with happiness and she was clearly pleased that this moment had occurred. There was no more fear about the walk-in information I had received.

There was a dream between this experience and the next, but I will not recount it. I was told by my HS that I needed to purge the worry and so had the dream.

OBE: Portal and Lessons

The next thing I recall is being with my HS walking down city streets. The city was seemed cartoon-ish and larger than life. There was a name for it but I don’t remember it now. It started with a “P” and sounded like Padmium.

We talked for some time about what was happening. I was shocked at how easily I transferred my consciousness into this experience. She told me I would get use to it.

At one point I wanted to fly. She told me, “We can’t do that here. We are practicing and it needs to be similar to the physical experience”. I nodded and then said, “Well, can we find a portal to somewhere else?” She said, “Yes, I know of one”.

Since we couldn’t fly, my HS created large toy cars and we got onto one and began to speed down the streets. I don’t recall the portal but somehow we ended up standing near a concrete lined waterway, talking.

My HS was now a transparent ball in my hands but was still talking to me. I practiced making the ball/me larger and succeeded, the now balloon-sized ball floated upward and sparkled with life from the inside. I experienced pure joy in this and the entire time we talking about how she, my HS, could teach me how to master skills I had. There was talk of manifestation among other things.

This OBE lasted many hours and seemed to stretch on and on. Many times I touched my sleeping body, probed it as if to satisfy my curiosity about this new experience. I shifted in and out with ease and was told this was something I would practice and that it would be used during daytime awareness as well. I was fascinated. Dream experiences during the day? It was beginning to seem possible.

At one point I met my Team and I entered a dream to do this. I was told later the names of the members who I identified as “the fat one and the thin one”. The fat one was Ron and the skinny one was Dave. I remembered Dave. I was told there would be many more meetings with them and that there were five, but I already knew that.

I then chose to end the OBE. I was worried I would not remember it all, which has proven to be true. There are so many pieces missing, so many in-depth conversations with my HS. But when I awoke I was, still am, connected in a way that I have yet to be in this life.

Conversation Afterward

My HS continued to talk to me and we practiced me staying in the in-between (easy really) because this is the ideal meeting place. She reassured me that it will be easy, this transformation, merging, walk-in. She said, “There is only one problem”. I said, “What?” She said, “You don’t want to stay”. I knew this to be true and said, “I have wanted that all my life”. We discussed this problem at some length and she explained how she could help, how we could work together to fix it.

I asked my HS her name and she said, “Athena” (Ath-in-a not the traditional pronunciation). She then gave me the rest of her name in another language that sounded German but wasn’t. It was impressive and familiar. Wow. I heard it clearly and she told me, “We will talk more”.

I fell back to sleep a few times without going OOB but am still wired with energy. I was OOB for three hours but feel completely rested. This merging process is awesome!

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Sudden Download

Today has been different from the past few weeks. Based upon what happened, I believe that my “break” or acclimation or whatever it is, is coming to an end.

Strange Symptoms

A couple of days ago, not long after I wrote my last symptom update, I had a odd sensation right behind my right ear. It was actually pretty painful and felt like I had been wearing a headband too tight for too long. I reached up to touch it and it was sensitive to the touch, too. I thought it odd and kept touching it, feeling where the sensitivity started and stopped. It was almost identical to where a headband would touch but I had not been wearing headbands for some time.

Only a few minutes later the pain had vanished and has not returned. However, a strong band of energy formed from ear to ear and around the back of my head. It comes and goes in intensity but remains today.

Then, today, as I was walking to meet a student, both of my legs began to feel weird. They felt rubbery and weak, as if I had just run a very long distance. I became worried and suddenly feared I would fall down and not be able to get up. I had a flash of what might happen, acknowledged it and it went away. Then I had a weird thought come into my mind. It was simply, “Walk in”. Not long after, the rubbery feeling vanished.

Sudden Download

For a while now I have been almost without idle thoughts throughout my day. When alone, I often zone out or think of the previous night’s dreams, but not much else. Today started out no different but after the weak, rubbery leg event I began to have that familiar feeling of time slowing down and me being in slow-motion.

For about half of the work day I had this feeling and shrugged it off thinking I must be tired. I have not had the feeling in so long I figured it was a fluke. But when I got on the highway to head home, it came on with much more intensity. I felt the familiar opening up of my crown and a sensation of being expanded beyond my body, wide-open and receiving.

It was then that many of the dreams I have been having began to link together and form a message. Added to this was songs and other thoughts that have randomly come into my mind, such as the song “Lightning Strike“, the words “walk in” and the phrase “Are you going to love me when I’m gone?” that is part of a song. I don’t recall exactly how it all fell together but I suddenly knew what was happening and felt frozen in the midst of receiving this message. I was unable to mentally process the information but a feeling of knowingness was present. A part of me was very nervous and had to be calmed a few times. I think it helped that I was not mentally analyzing what I received as it would likely only cause more nervousness.

I got stuck in a 45 minute snail paced traffic jam during this download. I doubt it was a coincidence!

I have felt urged to write everything down from the minute this download occurred.

sunriseOdd Thoughts

Now, hours later, I am able to process what was received a little better. I keep hearing the term “walk in” and, though I am somewhat familiar with the term, I had to look it up again. At first, I felt a very strong pull in my third chakra along with a nervous apprehension when I heard the term. Now I no longer have that response as I know it simply means that a part of me will step aside and let another part of me in. Thus my recent dream of giving up the reins of my horse to a much better, more experienced me.

It was explained to me, or rather I was reminded, that preparation for this next step was complete (this was the last few weeks of blah, deep sleep and lack of connection I felt). The knowingness that flooded me made me worry about my physical body and I am still not 100% certain of the meaning behind it. I had a memory of reading that sometimes when a walk-in occurs the individual becomes sick or has a sudden trauma that precipitates the final merging. I don’t know if this memory was meant to remind me of my own plans or not but it sure makes sense considering how stubborn I am and the massive fear that comes with the thought of letting go. Oddly, right at the moment I thought of this, the traffic suddenly stopped and I was forced to slam on my breaks and was hit with a huge adrenaline rush. I also began to experience a pain in my stomach akin to menstrual cramps, but I am nowhere near that time of the month.

I continued to think of the memory of what I had read and how the person is completely different afterward. I began to have thoughts of what it might be like. An entire scenario of how the new me would come in quietly and then begin to slowly reject people and situations in my life and how that might be interpreted. I felt like my husband would be discarded because he didn’t “match”. It all was very weird but what is even stranger is that I did not reject this possibility.

The fearful part of me, of course, worried I would be “gone”, but the knowing part of me understood this to be false. The old me would be absorbed and united with the other part.

The whole experience has me a bit overwhelmed with uncertainty, but I keep remembering that I am happy to have this happen. I am ready to “go”. It sounds morbid maybe, but that is the part of me that thinks of this as “death”.

I honestly don’t know how to describe my feelings right now or from the past few weeks. I don’t feel like myself, that is for sure.

Any help from the experienced is appreciated. I feel way out of my element here.

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Dreams: Reorganization and Premature Baby

Last night was again a night of frequent vivid dreams.

Reorganization

I was in a school and left my room. When I returned an older lady was inside and had completely reorganized it, turning it into a classroom. There was a group of elementary students sitting in desks. I was alarmed.

The woman smiled, very proud of herself and said, “We decided to set up the room so that it was more conducive to teaching. I needed to work with these students and this works better for me”. She pointed to a table and then at the twelve or more individual student desks crammed up near the front of the room.

I looked at her like she was crazy and told her, “But this doesn’t work for me and this is my room. Please put it back to the way it was. I don’t work with more than six to eight students at the most, so I don’t need all these desks”. I pointed to cubbys that had been set up on one side and said, “And I don’t need these”.

I walked to a closet where I had stored some things and found that it had been cleared out and made into a small classroom with a large central desk with chairs set around it. Feeling I should at least try to compromise, I concluded that it would be okay to leave this space as it was and told her, “But you can leave the closet like you have it. I am okay…”

She interrupted me, obviously very upset and disappointed and said, “That’s fine. I will put it all back like it was”. She walked  around the class and began to get the students to help her put it back the way it was. I remember feeling at odds with myself somewhat. I wanted to make her happy but at the same time I did not want my space cluttered and taken over by this woman.

Premature Baby

At this time, a black woman entered the room looking for me. She told me that she had some important news for me. She introduced herself as the representative of a family, the name is lost to me now.

“You have been listed as the new guardian for a baby girl. Her parents were both killed, as was her twin and other sibling”.

She escorted me out of the room as she told me their story. I was, of course, shocked as this was unexpected and I was not prepared to once again care for a newborn.

The woman explained that the family knew me from a while ago. The grandmother, still living but ill, was one of my previous coworkers. She had chosen me as the new guardian. She told me I had a choice and did not have to accept. I told her, “Of course I will take her”. In my mind I could not refuse and leave the little girl in the system. I quickly disregarded all my concerns about being ready and the burden it would cause my family. I wanted to meet the child.

We entered the house of the family. The grandmother was sleeping in a chair. I looked closely at her, trying to remember her. She was very old, with white hair and dark skin. I immediately went to her and another family member said to her, “Mother, she is here”. The old woman opened her eyes and smiled at me. She conveyed to me that she knew the child would have a better life with me.

I was then shown the baby and it was explained to me that she was born premature but was currently just 4 weeks old. I looked at her, expecting to see dark skin, but her skin was pale and her eyes light. She was very, very tiny and so precious. I did not dare pick her up as she was sleeping. In my mind I saw an image of what she would look like as she grew up. Beautiful. She had that beautiful creamy mix-race skin and curly, soft blondish-brown hair. I was completely accepting of my new role as her mother.

It was then explained to me that I would have to take a class in order to be her new guardian and then adopt her.

The word “adopt” kept echoing in my mind and ultimately woke me up. I was in a panic over it, literally thinking such an event might happen. But now I think it was more symbolic of a new beginning coming into my life which involves acceptance of parts of myself I have previously rejected. Then the previous dream flooded my memory and I realized I was in the midst of a reorganization of Self.

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Following the Chain of False Belief

In session yesterday I ran into one of my false beliefs and I began the process of seeking out the source of this belief. The false belief was: Men are wrong.

Following the Chain

In seeking out the source of this belief, I followed memories connected to it starting in this lifetime and going backward into other lifetimes. This is what I found so far:

1982 – Belief is activated within this lifetime after a traumatic event occurred. I decided that my Dad was wrong for how he treated me and my mother, who I identified very strongly with. It generalized into all men are wrong.

1892 – Belief was used in another lifetime when I was a prostitute in the U.S. Mid-West. I repeatedly told my “co-workers” that men were not to be trusted.

400A.D. – Belief was used during a lifetime in India. This was a traumatic memory of almost losing my daughter to raiders during the monsoon season. I relayed to her repeatedly that men were not be trusted and did bad things.

30A.D. – Belief was reinforced during a traumatic event in which my pregnant and severely battered daughter came home. She went into premature labor and died during childbirth. Her daughter survived and I raised her as my own. My anger at the man who beat and ultimately killed my daughter was so intense that I adopted the belief that men are wrong. However, upon re-experiencing this life, I recognized that the “wrong” here was that they were “unjust” and went against all that was good.

More to Come

The chain has not been followed to its source yet, so I am likely to find more events at my next session. I am interested to find out where it will lead. It always surprises and amazes me!

When I contact each life, it is merely a picture or a color or a vague sense of a place that comes at first. Then, when I inspect it more closely, more and more is revealed. The details are amazing! For example, the river I was wading in while trying to rescue my daughter in the life from 400A.D. was so vivid that I could feel the pressure of the water current against my legs and see the muddiness of the water. I also instantly knew it was the monsoon season.

The last life was perhaps the most intense life I have recalled in some time. I was hit with such a myriad of emotions – anger, grief, frustration, love, desperation – that the flood of it was overwhelming to the point I could not breathe. I even recall cursing in another language, calling the man a baboon’s butt and cursing God. When I finally let go of this life event I experienced such an outflow and inflow of energy that it is hard to describe. I was laughing and crying at the same time.

I am finding this belief following me through my female lives for some time. It may even have its origin prior to my time on Earth. More updates will follow.

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OBE: Controlled Exit

After an evening full of vivid, near lucid dreams, I was finally able to project. Surprisingly, I ended up with a fairly controlled exit!

OBE: Controlled Exit

I had been dreaming for some time, the most recent of which was a dream in which I had been laying in bed with a gray cat. Someone said to me, “She likes you” and I snuggled her and said, “I like her, too”. She was purring and her fur felt so soft as I snuggled with her.

I then began noticing the room I was in and noticed a clock near me. Something about this brought me to full awareness and I woke up in my body. I was covered in vibrations that seemed to come and go in pulses, hitting me and then backing off. I felt like I was being hit with an energy gun. I recognized instantly that the opportunity to exit was near and immediately thought to myself, “Ignore them (the vibrations)”. I also had the thought that I would likely not project.

Ignoring the vibrations, I began to get hypnagogic images. They were in black and white and of tiny blocks that spiraled and moved like a vortex. I noticed them and then thought, “Ignore them”, knowing that if I focused on them too much I would become too aware and lose the chance to project.

I rolled my eyes up and back at this time, intent on focusing within. There was a void and blackness, like a space of time missing. Then a dream environment began to materialize around me. I was in bed that was not mine and involved in a conversation with someone. This time I instantly realized I had entered the astral and rolled out of my body into this new place.

I saw the grays and blacks of the scene and said, “Clarity now”. The scene did clarify but the darkness remained. I didn’t quite care as I was recognizing where I was. I was in my Mom’s house.

Interestingly, the house was devoid of furniture. I went into the kitchen and saw my husband’s tool box sitting on the counter. For some reason I decided to knock it over. I found great fun in this. I heard it hit the ground and pop open spilling its contents onto the bare floor. Oddly, the contents looked like a bunch of marbles and not tools.

My Mom came rushing out of her bedroom asking, “What was that?” I had not expected her so was a bit surprised at first and then said, “Sorry”. She immediately got out a broom and began to clean up. I was not interested in watching so moved into the living room.

On the floor was a super large sign, written on vividly white poster board. I could not read the words, they blurred when I tried, but I knew without reading it that it was all about astral travel and the the steps to get OOB. I saw clearly on the bottom, left hand corner, a word written in red ink: Controlled.

I thought to myself, “Uncontrolled” for some reason and moved on. My Mom was standing there and I suddenly shoved her hard, thinking she was not real, but I made contact and she almost fell down. She asked me, “Why did you do that?” and I said, “Sorry”.

Undecided as to what to do next, I went out the front door. It was dark and so I decided to fly upward, intent on letting it take me to another scene. I sang, “I want to see the light of day”. I ended up being pulled back down flat to the ground. Looking up I saw the stars through the trees and came back slowly into my body.

Factors Influencing Projection

Lucidity scale: 8

Intent stated?: Yes

Time to bed: 10pm

Time to wake: 12:30am, 3:00am

Meditation?: Yes

Physical Exercise?: Yes, walking

Mood: normal

Body: None

Tiredness: Low

Number of wakings: 2

Technique?: WBTB

Sleeping position: Left side

Supplements: Multivitamin, Natural Calm 400mg, Sleepy Time Extra Tea, Biotin 1000mg, Vitamin E 400mg, Calcium 500mg, Vitamin D 250mg, Benadryl 25mg

Essential Oils: Clary Calm, Whisper

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Giving Up the Reins

I had a profound dream last night. It was one of many dreams. I feel I was on the brink of lucidity most of the evening.

Giving Up the Reins

I was at a gathering that was similar to a stock yard show or rodeo in its look and feel. I was standing near an arena that had a high, metal fence, watching people get onto their horses only to either be thrown off or successfully “tame” them. It appeared that the rider would cause their horse to go out of control purposefully. The goal was to regain control with both horse and rider safe, sound, calm and controlled.

I was aware that I was to be in this competition, too. I was standing next to this bay mare. She was spectacular and stood taller than me. She would nuzzle me occasionally and I would reach up and pet her, stroking her dark mane. I was very comfortable with her, which is unlike me both in reality and in most of my dreams. I am typically nervous around large horses.

I felt ill prepared for this competition and was discussing it with someone who I did not see but who seemed to change from male to female and then back again. We were discussing how I felt about going into the ring. I remember saying, “This is my first time. I don’t know if I can do it”. We discussed my options, one of which was to let someone else take my place.

At one point the decision became heart wrenching for some reason. I was particularly fond of my horse and did not want someone else handling her, much less taking her into the ring where she, too, had never been. It was at this point that I saw who would be taking over. She was a champion and had already successfully won several competitions. She was set to win this one, too, and had just completed her turn with top scores. She was tall, slender, and had long, flowing blonde hair. Her blue eyes sparkled and she appeared to know me and sympathize with my situation.

Emotion welled up from deep within me as I made my decision. I handed her the reins and said, “Ok. You can take over”. My whole body shook with grief at this decision as the blonde gracefully accepted the reins and prepared to mount my horse. There was a dark haired, shorter woman, standing beside the blonde who seemed disappointed. She said, “I guess I won’t be placing today”. I realized she had been set to win second place but now that the blonde was going to compete in my place, this other woman would be third.

Reflection

I awoke from this dream crying and knowing a decision had been made. I immediately recognized the horse to be me, my body and Ego, in this physical incarnation. I saw myself in this dream as the me I have always been in this life – a mixture of nature versus nurture to put it simply. It appeared to me that the goal here was to get “horse”- my Ego and body – under control in a way that I had not yet done. I was nervous, which is to be expected, and did not feel I could do it being it would be my first time. I was consulting with my guides and my Higher Self. I recognized, upon waking, that I had agreed to let my Higher Self take over. I am not sure why this was such a difficult decision. Perhaps I feel like a failure not being able to do this on my own? Or perhaps it is my affinity to my human form?

This could be my Ego reacting to this decision, but this decision feels very final. I was asked upon waking, “Are you okay with this decision?” and I immediately answered, “Yes”. The images and thoughts in my mind at this time were of me leaving behind this life and all its connections and experiences to return to the peace and rejuvenation of the Other Side. I was completely, 100%, ready to do so. I heard in response, “We will help you. It will be easy”.

I am completely calm this morning. Though I have not yet completely computed the experience in my mind, my heart knows this was a turning point.

by

Symptom Update: Restoring Balance

Once again I am updating my symptoms, this time because I was prompted by a message from my guide that balance needed to be restored.

Current Symptoms

  • Upper back ache
  • Stiff neck
  • Visual phenomenon (will explain)
  • Ear ringing, tones and other odd sounds
  • Buzzing energy around back of head, third eye and heart
  • Feeling spiritually disconnected
  • Restless sleep with vivid dreams
  • Lack of motivation

The most difficult part of my current symptoms is feeling a spiritual disconnection. I understand this is necessary and that much is occurring during my sleep, but it is an unsettling feeling and I find it hard to find my balanced center.

The visual phenomenon has been going on for some time. The only way I can describe it is as seeing things, usually people, superimposed upon this physical reality. For example, I was talking to my daughter yesterday and I swear I saw a baby where her arm should have been, but when I looked down there was nothing there. I recognized this other being as a baby, saw it clear as day nearly naked and full sized, yet it was not there when I focused on what I saw. Other examples are that I will see individuals standing next to or over a part of a person I am talking to as I am doing mundane things. Sometimes these visual phenomenon surprise me.  Once I saw a tall man and I instantly thought someone was in my house who should not be there. I am getting more use to it now so I am not quite so shocked. So far, none of them have tried to communicate with me.

The other odd change has been to the tonal ringing in my ears. I am pretty use to hearing the tones now. The sound typically gets louder as I begin to fall asleep at night. However, the other night the tone is my ears got so intensely loud and began to sound ominous, like a deep, rattling machine sound. I began to think, “If it gets any louder I don’t know if I can take it”. When I thought this, the tone began to fade out and sound more “normal”. I have only had that sound once but the ringing sound is changing during the day, too. It no longer sounds like a tone but more like a “shshsh” or hissing sound, like the static of a radio. I have heard the radio static sound before when I had my first awakening. I only heard it when in meditation or in the in-between, not during the day. So it coming during the day is a bit alarming to me. The changes in sound go hand-in-hand with the visual phenomenon which has me wondering if perhaps these beings are trying to communicate with me?

Finally, I am the complete opposite of motivated right now. I just want to lay down and stare at the ceiling or close my eyes. I spent the whole weekend in such a daze. I knew I had to get stuff done though and finally forced myself to go grocery shopping and cook dinner. Even at work I am struggling to do what needs to be done.

I am told that balance is being restored and I suspect that my lack of motivation and disconnection is part of this process. There are way worse symptoms I could have so I am grateful that I am sleeping through the worst of it.