Monthly Archives: November 2015

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Decisions, Decisions

My dreams last night have got me thinking this morning. A question comes to mind: Which is more important: To be happy and fulfilled in life and in one’s Self or to fulfill a promise you made to yourself and your family so that they will be fulfilled and happy?

It all comes down to deciding if one’s own wants, needs and desires (happiness) are more or less important than the wants, needs, desires of those one loves.

I think we have all struggled with such a decision.

For me, I have chosen others over myself. I am being asked to question this decision. I see that now. It has been asked of me before in this life not long ago. It has been asked many times. I have asked it of myself as well.

There are many considerations I have. One is looking at which option will serve the greatest good. If the decision only serves to make me happy, then it is not the right decision. However, if the option serves many others then it is.

Another consideration is that I have memory of making similar decisions in my other lives and even in this one. When I chose to make myself happy I was riddled with guilt and regret. If I chose the decision that served others I felt no guilt but I was miserable and often wondered what it would have been like had I chosen differently.

Based on my past experiences, it seems no matter what I choose I will suffer in the end.

And I am being asked to consider something now. I hear, “Perhaps it is not the decision that you should be inspecting but the ideals and beliefs behind it?”

For one, the group – collective – One – does not wish suffering on anyone. Happiness and contentment should be something everyone has and there is no reason we all cannot have this. If we put aside our belief systems and ideals – the should’s and should not’s – then we will see only a decision and whatever we choose will be honored and accepted.

For me, I can see my judgment is very clouded. There are so many ideas and beliefs linked to it that I cannot make an objective decision no matter how hard I try. I know what I “should” do, but this is based upon how I was raised and what society deems appropriate. Can I toss that out? And if I do, can I live with my decision afterward? Can I accept the contempt and upset from those around me who still adhere to the ideals and beliefs of society?

What I want to know is what is it that I wish to learn from this? Why would I put myself in such a situation unless there was a lesson to be learned? Am I trying to see if I can be objective and throw out the unrealistic and often unfair expectations my family and society places upon me?

But isn’t that part of living in this physical reality? We are to live by the rules here and that is why it is a challenge, right?

What is obvious about this decision is that I feel that if I make the right one for me, the one I know I should go with even though I don’t want to, that my path will be clearer. I will once again be able to see farther in front of me. Right now it is like there is a huge hill blocking my view and so I can only see a few feet at a time.

I am told there is no need to rush into one decision or another. Each individual moves at their own pace and the timing is not yet right for the pace at which I am moving. There is still much to be cleared, as if I must pave my own path right now so that it will be stronger and more stable than it has been in the past.

It is interesting to me that I am not stressing over this. I guess I have learned a lesson or two in this life. 🙂

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Healing Work – Dream: My Painting

Behind-the-scenes work is being done and I am being allowed to remember it. This kind of work I am open to, but it has been a long time since I have done this kind of self-healing.

Dream: My Painting

My dreams last night were near lucid. In fact, in one particular part of a long dream sequence I recall being very aware very suddenly of walking down a crowded street. I remember wondering, “Where am I?” and seeing in my mind as I walked a map of the United States zoomed in on Louisiana.

The city I was in was large and there were people walking towards me. I looked at their faces as I walked. I remember thinking, “I am going to meet someone. I am going to meet someone”, but I had no clue who that person was, only that it was a man.

The street I was on seemed narrow and the buildings older than present time. I tried to wrap my mind around the situation but it was hard. I was dreaming and the dream kept overcoming me and my memories would seem to split into little mini-movie screens in my mind. I will recount what I remembered after I finish retelling this dream.

I made it to my destination which was a very tall, sand-colored building that stood much higher than the other very gray, concrete and mortar buildings of the city. It’s surface was smooth and it was shaped like a closed flower – a tulip or lotus – and the tip reached high into the sky.

I don’t know how I entered but the next thing I knew I was inside the building walking along the halls looking for the person in charge. I knew I was in a building of higher education, like an administration building but only in that the people inside monitored a large, intricate system of learning.

I met the man and we walked to hallways. He led me to an alcove where there was a curtain obscuring my view of something behind it. He said, “I still have your painting” and he opened up the curtains and revealed a large oil painting. I was relieved. They still had it. My painting. I looked at it but could only see small portions of it. It was as if it was divided into smaller paintings like a comic strip or story board. I remember seeing various scenes but none of them were familiar. All were in vivid color and depicted normal, daily life activities and important events.

The dream shifted dramatically then, as if I went into the painting but there was no experience of shifting. I was inside a small, barren, stone room with a man. He was older and kind of fat. I sat and knew I was a woman and dressed in clothing that is not of my current time period. It reminded me of the Civil War era.

He offered me a drink and I took the clear bottle in my hand and poured the amber colored liquid. I took a drink. I remember thinking I should not drink as I had a long trip ahead of me.

Then I was shifted again and I was the partner or perhaps mistress of this man. He abused me and I was complaining to someone about him. I remember that I was upset because he asked the servants to give me breakfast for dinner.

Then I was staring at him face to face. Both of us looked as if we had been beaten. Perhaps we had fought? I was allowed to leave, so I did.

The dream shifted again and I was walking in the woods somewhere higher in elevation than I had been. I was on the edge of a hill and slipped a bit which caused me to notice a man standing at the treeline. When I saw him, I went to him and the entire woodland area disappeared and a golden color replaced it.

I saw the man and embraced him and felt such desire overcome me that I could not breathe. I communicated without words to this man who agreed to be with me and I remember feeling his skin against mine as we embraced and kissed.

Afterward

I awoke with my root and second chakra blazing. I felt my guide close and heard, “Parallel life”.  Of course, I wanted to return to sleep, but it was too late. I asked when this life was and was told, “1868”. I knew it was in Louisiana so I thought, “Reconstruction?”

Confused for a moment, I thought back on my dream. I have re-experienced two lives that fit into this era. One in which I was a man in San Fransisco and another where I was a woman in the Midwest. I was confused because the time period of the dream fit with the life when I was a man, yet I clearly was not a man in the dream.

There were tidbits of something else intermixed with the experience. I remember discussing something prior to becoming lucid in the dream. I was in an office sitting at a desk and discussing things with a man both in person and via chat on a computer. I remember discussing a painting and him saying, “You were so into that painting that you worked on it for 10 years”. I remember seeing a painting in its entirety. It was a scene of some explorers looking down on a valley. There were five of them, only one was a woman. I remember the title had “America” in it, but that is all.

In remembering these things, I knew that I had been taken somewhere while I slept. It was like I went to a place of learning; a place where records were kept. I was shown my lives, like a review, and asked to consider the lessons I had learned and those that I had not let go of because of their connection with “human desire”.

The life where I was a man was a miserable one. I had been married and left her behind to go West. There I had very strong sexual urges and could not resist them. I continually “sinned” and then tried to drink away my guilt and shame. I ended up dying from my alcohol addiction a very sad man.

The life where I was a woman was after my life as a man. I had been molested by my father and ran away at a young age. I ended up prostituting myself. I experienced much inner conflict because I had not expected to enjoy my work – but I did. Every time I slept with a man I enjoyed it but I could not get the image of my father and his treatment of me out of my mind. My thoughts were that if I enjoyed sex then I must have enjoyed sex with my father, which I hadn’t and which had caused me much pain and suffering. So I rejected my enjoyment and desire because it was the only way I could deal with the conflict inside me.

Two lives with the same conflict under different circumstances. Why was I being shown this?

I know I have absolutely no desire for sexual connections at this time in my life. I feel a-sexual in a way. It just isn’t there yet in my dreams it is. When I saw the man in the woods (clearly my guide) the desire that I felt was intense, almost like a drug. When I awoke I thought of it and how such a feeling can really mess up a person’s life if they chose to give into it. Am I trying now, in my current life, to avoid making what I feel is a “mistake” by blocking all desire? Interesting.

I suppose it will be revealed in time. I do know that these two lives seem never to stop coming up. Sigh.

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Disengagement Brings Humility

So I guess you’ve all figured out that I have been having a huge freak-out these last few days. It’s unwarranted, really. There’s no reason other than that I was reacting to things not turning out quite how I would’ve like them to. This is a normal pattern for me. Too many losses in a short period of time and I shut down and my Ego takes over and throws a “tantrum”.

Big Fail

The biggest loss for me has been my business venture. Despite doing everything “right”, sales are very slow and I’m not reaching my goals. I don’t understand what I did wrong except that maybe I just chose the wrong product or maybe it is that too many people have discovered the business and so it is inundated with too many similar products. Whatever it is, I have accepted the loss. I am no longer as upset as I was, but I am disappointed for sure.

Too Many Expectations

I realized that I had too many grand expectations of what was to come for me spiritually once I left my job. I stupidly thought that once I eliminated the stress and wasted time of going to and from work, that it would free me up to receive more spiritual insight and have more spiritual experiences. I thought everything would kick into high gear and I would be “enlightened” further by Remembering more and connecting more intensely with my Higher Self.

How naive.

What it seems is really happening is the opposite. I left work and have more time but everything spiritually has come to a standstill, or it appears that way.

I also had a grand idea of what it would be like to teach my middle son. He has been anything but compliant. I have been having to bribe him to do “school”, which I have found is a big mistake. So I am changing tactics and so far it is working. We do “projects” together and he is much more willing to cooperate. I am finding he is much better at writing his letters than I thought and his big heart is what leads him to want to learn to do more. We spend a lot of time making cards for people he loves and playing games together. So different than I expected yet I am learning a great deal about my son and just how big his heart is.

This was what he made today:

jade

letter to jade

Sick and Disengaged

Instead of spiritual enlightenment I got a nasty cold. I am still recovering, but it is so much better. I only have a slight cough in the morning now. I realize that this illness is likely a result of incorporating the higher energies which involves much purging of the old. It is no surprise then that my Ego would throw a tantrum. It is a normal part of the process.

I forgot, of course, all of this, and so disengaged further from my Team of guides and assistants. To my Ego mind it was all “their fault” which further angered me and distanced me from them.

I stopped tuning in after waking in the mornings. Instead I was angry and withdrew. It was not that my Team was not there but that I did not want to listen or acknowledge them.

Suggestions

When I awoke this morning I was less angry and so more open. I heard instantly, “Nothing has changed but you”. I felt the energy begin to build in my back at my heart center and it suddenly stopped. Instantly I recognized that I stopped it. And I understood. They were always there; always are there. And really, nothing has changed in my life except my perception of it. It shut me down and cut me off from them.

I had heard them, too. I remember. I heard them say, “Do not resist” and I ignored them. I felt their energy many times over the past few days and I shut myself down to it. It was like I was trying to punish them – but it only served to punish me.

With this understanding I relaxed and began to accept. I was then instructed to resume my morning meditation and asked to do a type of fasting today – a liquid only diet where I drank my food. I can have dairy and veggies and fruits. This is only for today, so not a full-on cleanse and I am not completely sure why I am doing it but I will do it without resistance. I have been eating vegetarian with fish, but recently I made an entire dinner of fish with rice and veggies and when I ate the fish and rice they tasted “off” so I only ate the veggies while my kids scarfed down the entire meal. I should’ve known something was up then.

The message this morning was a reminder that right now I am learning to incorporate the spiritual into my daily life – it is learning to balance the two but its not what I had previously thought. The balance comes with continual tuning in throughout the day so as to not get swept up into the mundane which can completely shut off our spiritual lifeblood. It is like turning on and off a faucet. Right now I am being shown it is dripping, but what it should be a continual stream flowing in. To do this requires set breaks throughout the day where I shut off all distraction and tune in. It does not mean hours or even a half hour but maybe 5 to 10 minutes only. This should be scheduled in three to six times a day depending on the need. This is in addition to morning and nightly tuning in. These are not necessarily “meditation” breaks either. They are sitting quietly away from distractions (no phone, no t.v., no computer) and focusing on the third eye and heart at the same time, ideally in nature or near an open window so the sun’s rays can be felt/sensed.

With two very busy children this will be a challenge. I will see how it turns out today. I am told if I do this that I will notice my edginess lessening and my mind clearing.

It seems always that I take one step forward and two steps back. Time to step forward again.

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Dream: UFO 2067

I don’t know about you, but all this hoopla about the 11/11 portal has turned out to be nothing for me. In fact it’s been a big disappointment. I know we are in the midst of it right now but I have felt absolutely nothing energy-wise and even my dreams are nil.

UFO 2067

I only have one image from a dream last night, an image of a UFO with the year 2067 attached to it. I remember standing in my mother’s front yard looking up at the sky and seeing what appeared to be a structure composed of silver beams just floating there. What was odd about it was that it had no insides – it was just a bunch of beams and even the beams were ladder-like, kinda like DNA strands. I then saw in golden letters, “2067”. I remember telling someone who was with me the numbers I saw but I don’t know what they mean. When I awoke I assumed the numbers represented the year I would die and this angered me. I hope I don’t live that long! How awful that would be!

Refusal

When I woke I had all kinds of upset over my “mission” here on Earth. For some reason I woke feeling my mission is simply to live a normal, “quiet” life where I help random people here and there. How I help them is unknown, which I think is the worst part of it for me because I don’t get any validation or appreciation. I am okay with this mission but I am not okay with not having the spiritual experiences and connection, which seem to have dropped off to nothing since I got that stupid cold. I don’t understand why I can’t have these experiences and connection all the time? Why does it wax and wane so frequently?

I got out of bed on a mission. The mission was to make sure that I do not have to return to the workplace. I don’t care what my guides/Team urge me to do, they will not push me back in the direction of working in a system I do not believe in. And there are signs that money will be tight: my husband is a spender and has not been sticking to our budget, business is slow, and my husband keeps dropping hints that I should go back to work.

My husband and I had a talk this morning and I made it clear that I was not going back to work in my normal career. We discussed our budget and how to free up money. We are likely going to get rid of one of our cars and buy a cheaper one and I will be getting rid of my smart phone as soon as I can, which will be in February next year. If we can get rid of or reduce one car payment then my husband should have his “spending” money and so be happy for at least a little while. Right now he doesn’t want to lose his car (the most expensive of our two) so this may take some persuasion on my part.

No Idea What’s Next

Now I just feel deflated. I cannot imagine living until 2067 (that’s just torture!) or even to 2016 for that matter. Life feels tedious and burdensome. If this is what the 11/11 gateway or portal is, then I guess I am getting a good dose of it.

I am in a hurry to just get this life done and move on. In fact, I have felt this way for as long as I can remember! That kinda makes me laugh a little because time is FLYing by it seems. Yet when I am in the moment it seems to drag. Honestly, I hate that time exists. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

What comes next, I have no clue. I am tired of wondering/wandering. If I lost everything right now I wouldn’t care. None of it matters. All that matters is Home and getting back to it.

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The Troubles

The Troubles by U2

You think it’s easier
To give up on the trouble
If the trouble is destroying you
You think it’s easier
But before you threw me a rope
It was the one thing I could hold on to

This song has been a theme-song for me the past 24-36 hours. I am not exactly sure what it means but it has been in my head two mornings in a row upon waking.

I am in the midst of another purge I think. It is not a huge one, at least not as big as some of the ones from the past. My energy, physically, emotionally and mentally, is low. I feel like it is being siphoned off throughout the day and by the end I have nothing left.

I feel once again DONE with life. I am fed up with this place and all the negative, heaviness that pervades it. So I have been asking to finish up and get out of here. I have been bargaining again with my guides. “Please just let me come Home now. I don’t care if I have to come back another lifetime to finish what I didn’t finish in this life. I just don’t want to do this anymore”. All I receive in response are Spirit hugs.

What bothers me the most is that I don’t have motivation at all. Usually when I am feeling like this I can find something to hold onto, some kind of hope that things will improve; some kind of change I can make that brings back that missing spark. There is nothing there. When I look into the future, to the “what if’s” I see only dead ends, paths I have been on before and don’t want to return to.

Dream: Finished

My sleep was fitful for the first half of the night. I didn’t feel I was resting and I don’t remember my dreams. This morning I recall only the end of one dream.

I was in a city walking towards a destination with a friend. The streets were paved with cobblestone. We parked (not sure where the car came from) and went inside. The teacher was an older gentleman and I felt we had been to his class before. I remember that I wanted to go hear him speak because it was a rare event, but I can’t recall what he was speaking about.

We were laying down to listen and I remember only pieces of this part. I saw candles lit and knew I was laying near a man. At one point I knew the covers had come off me, exposing my bare backside. I didn’t care but I knew the man was trying not to look and this amused me.

When class ended I somehow was the last to leave. It was like it had ended way earlier and I had been asleep or distracted so missed the dismissal. I went outside to find my friend and her car was gone. She later returned in it saying she had gone to get some pizza. She seemed to want to celebrate something but I didn’t feel like celebrating and didn’t want any pizza.

As I awoke I remember talking to someone. I was bargaining with them, saying I was done and wanted to leave this life early. As I grew more conscious I saw a piece of paper in front of me. It was divided into four parts and I knew these were elements corresponding to regions of the Earth and duties of those in these areas. I rejected this Plan and pushed the vision out of my mind. Then I saw a large word as if stamped on a paper in my mind. It said, “Finished”. It was in red ink.

Remembering

I can’t seem to shake this feeling that I don’t belong here and that I never have belonged. Right now this feeling is very strong. The more I Remember who I am, the stronger it gets.

I have been having flashbacks of this life, as if I am reviewing it again. My dreams are of my past again and of people who I feel I have wronged, though it is becoming clearer to me that it was part of the plan and my “wrongs” were purposeful for some reason.

I am also flashing back to my youth, to times when I had conversations with my guide without knowing that was what I was doing. One of my earliest memories of this is of me sitting on the ground because my stomach was hurting really bad. The silent voice told me to be still and it would pass. So I did and it went away shortly after. I don’t know how old I was (7?), but the memory is so vivid and I see myself as if outside of myself, sitting on the side of the concrete drive. My hair was short and I was so small but so very strong (and pig headed!).

There is another flashback to my teen years when the first longings for Home became unbearable. I remember conversing with someone. Back then I just thought I was just talking to myself. I was told how long it would be before I would meet “the One”. I saw 30 in my mind and it seemed so very far away, so far away I couldn’t bear it. So I prayed for someone to be sent to me, someone for the interim, so I wouldn’t have to be alone. He was sent when I was 17 and upon meeting him I knew I had a choice and I made it despite knowing he was not “the One”. I thought it would be better, but turns out I felt more alone than ever during that time.

Next Step?

Out of the blue yesterday, while feeling so very down and out, I understood that I would have to eventually go back to work. This saddened me because I do not feel the desire to return to the workplace. I feel unfulfilled there (there being in the education system) and want to do something different, but what that is I am not sure.

I saw a pattern in my life. A pattern concerning my career path. It felt like I was sent some place for a certain amount of time and then, when I was “done”, would be sent to another place. And so on and so forth. If I stayed too long at a place, a place where I was done, events would eventually push me to leave. The longer I stayed, the more difficult it would be to stay to the point that it would begin to start physically affecting me. This is clear to me now, but I feel the resistance inside me. A part of me wants to stay in one place, to be happy in that place. Yet I feel I am not programmed that way. I will always feel the need to move on. What is hardest about moving around so much is that I don’t know why I am at the places I am. It just seems like I am wasting time.

So I grieved in knowing that I would have to return to work, most likely back to counseling. It will just fall in my lap again. That is always how it works. I feel I want/need to work again and then presto it appears as if a gift in a little package.

I don’t like that I feel pushed this way and that in life, as if a string is tied to me that leads me where I am suppose to go. I feel like a puppet.

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Light Show

As I attempted sleep last night I was bombarded by what appeared to be a laser light show behind closed eyelids. It was faint but it was there and it was blue. The energy shot across my line of sight and then back and then seemed to form images that would disappear as soon as they formed. The energy of this light appeared linked with my brain in some way because I could feel it in my head. It’s hard to describe but I do have one experience that is similar. A long time ago I use to take Zoloft but hated it and so stopped it suddenly. When I did this I had strange electrical “zaps” inside my head. It felt like I had been attached to a light socket or something but it was IN my head. Anyone who has suddenly stopped an antidepressant (SSRI in particular) would know the feeling. The energy in my head last light was vaguely similar. It was way less intense but a similar feeling.

I was being given a message at the time which I now do not fully remember.

Earlier in the day I received sudden messages in the form of just Knowing. I feel these messages are linked to the strange energy/light laser show because the main message was that I would be opening up from the crown again to Receive. I saw a mental image in my mind of a very large amount of light coming down into my crown chakra. The size of the crown chakra was the size of the entire top of my head! This energy shot all the way down through my body and into the ground. I was told not to fear this. Then the messages stopped just as suddenly as they came.

No strange downloads or anything thus far, but I have been very pessimistic lately. Not sure if it related or not.

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Group Karma and a Kundalini Surge

Last night was an intense one. I woke several times from a dream that just kept going. The dream isn’t what is important, though, as it was just symbolic of what was transpiring through the night. What is important is what I brought back from it.

Group Karma

The first time I awoke from the dream I was confused and it took me a while to realize I had been dreaming. In the dream I was convinced that my life had turned out differently. In that life I had made choices in my childhood; acted on impulses that resulted in me murdering another child and then covering it up. My siblings were in on it, specifically my older sister who then  committed a similar crime when she was much older.

Once I realized it was only a dream I knew that I was discussing group karma. I knew that my siblings and I had done something in previous lives that we were “fixing” and we were doing it together.

I fell back to sleep and dreamed of a trial. We had been caught and we were being sentenced. I got only 7 years as my sentence but my sister got much longer. She had known what she was doing; had intentionally done it and planned to do it. Me, on the other hand, had acted impulsively without consideration for the consequences. I remember feeling sad for my sister because she would have to do more time than me.

I woke again understanding that my time was meant to be served in conjunction with hers, which is why we incarnated as siblings in this life. The specifics of it are not known but the feeling I had confirmed I was right.

When I fell back to sleep, the dream continued but this time the person I was doing time with was my husband. When I awoke from this part of the dream I recognized our contract/agreement was meant to balance karmic debt. It felt like he was my sibling in a previous life. What is interesting is that it felt like the previous life was one not on Earth or if it was on Earth it was hundreds of thousands of years ago.

Metallic Box

While in the in-between sometime after the first waking, I witnessed a small metallic box floating in from of me. It appeared to have a white, cotton-like substance bursting from it and looked almost like a sandwich with metallic layers. I saw strange symbols and writing on it. I remember saying a name that sound like Metroika but I don’t believe this is correct. I know for sure I saw a capital “M” very pronounce in the center of the silver box and there was also a “T” in the middle of the name. As my awareness peaked I saw the cotton substance form into angel wings on either side of the box and knew the message was from a Being that would have been labeled as an angel or archangel. Metatron was the name that came to mind.

Kundalini Surge

In the early morning hours I experienced an odd Kundalini surge. In a dream I met with a man who I remember was the owner of a restaurant. He had given free meals to two of my friends but had not given me one. I was irritate by this and questioned him about it. He then took me with him on a walk and I remember knowing he was 40 years old. I was pleased that I was younger than him. I recall feeling that the years of life from 40 to 50 were significant for me but I did not know why.

At some point this man and I kissed but it was not normal. It was like we merged into each other. Where we touched felt huge, like a bubble of energy forming. My mouth felt very strange, like I was blowing a bubble that expanded to include all of my head except for the crown. My root and second chakra also had this bubble-like energy and I could feel them blowing up with energy. My crown chakra oscillated with energy but mostly it felt to be shooting energy straight up.

I could feel this man physically and when I touched him the energy increased. I know that I wanted the energy to move and was demanding it to do so, but this must not have been the right time because the more I willed the energy to rise, the more it went out rather than up.

When I finally came to full awareness my lower body felt warm and tingly and HUGE. I felt the energy of the man who was in my dream. It came from above me to my left and felt huge as well. I could feel the residual energy still lingering and my crown was still active.

Message

Prior to heading to bed I suddenly received communication from a guide/Being whom I had not met before. His energy was big but not imposing. He said to me, “You are not alone”. I responded with, “I know”, but I received back from him that the meaning of this particular message was that I was going to be contacted by others whom I do not normally communicate with.

I accepted the message and went on with my day but right before bed I was again met with the energy and the message repeated. This time I saw in my mind a visual of me recording myself channeling information. I don’t recall the message word-for-word now but I was being asked to channel information from these Beings.

I also remembered suddenly my encounter in 1989. I remember very little from that night but what I do remember was seeing a UFO up close and personal. I wondered about why it was that only I saw it? I wondered what happened during the time my memory is unclear? I heard then, “We chose you because you can see”. I asked then to remember whatever was lost, if it was significant. I have yet to remember but I hope I do.

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Sick and Feeling Sick

I have had this cold far too long. Part of me feels it will never go away. I cough so much in the morning that my stomach hurts and I get a headache. I am fine during the day at least.

Unfortunately, the illness seems to have taken with it all my spiritual bliss and energy sensations. My third eye which had been blazing with energy for weeks suddenly stopped blazing. I am lucky if I get even a smidgen of energy there. Similarly, I have not felt any activity in any of my other chakras either.

This cold has me thinking it will turn into full blown pneumonia. I keep thinking that all my requests to go Home are going to come about with me dying a miserable, suffocating death by pneumonia.

Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

My connection with my Team has diminished significantly as well. I won’t say they are gone but it feels as if they are farther away. When I hear my guide his energy is more muted and I struggle to believe I am even talking to him, convincing myself that it is my Ego making it up so that I don’t feel alone.

Thankfully I do still get occasional warm rushes of energy from my guide. This alleviates my paranoia somewhat.

It is funny how when this perceived distance exists between myself and my Team that I get sad and begin to beg for the connection to return. It is like the old saying, “Distance makes the heart grow fonder”. I feel desperate to have back what it seems I have lost. I know, however, that it is merely a perception mistake on my part. The “distance” I feel is merely a loss of equilibrium within me.

No Rest for the Weary

The worst part of being sick and feeling disconnected is that my entire family is still stuck in before-daylight-savings-mode. It is slowly getting better, but I am still being awakened far too early for my liking. My middle son is the worst. He is waking at 5am and falling asleep at 7:30pm. I have tried to get him to go to bed later, but he just won’t. The other two are going to bed later but when my middle son wakes up, he wakes the other two up, too. He also wakes up my husband. So the entire house is up while I put a pillow over my head desperate for some sleep. Plus, when I wake up, I am overcome by coughing so much that I end up just getting out of bed because the coughing won’t let me rest. Ugh!

I am told by my guide that I must rest and recuperate. So I try but with a busy family it is just dang hard. I stay home with my two youngest all day and even though they are sick, too, they seem full of energy and hell-bent on wreaking havoc on my household. I just can’t keep up.

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Chapter 12

As you know, I’ve been reading Dolores Cannons’ Convoluted Universe. I am on book 2 now and just finished Chapter 12.

Chapter 12 brought about some validation for some of my own life experiences. A woman’s account of work while here on Earth resonated very deeply with me. I recognized so much of myself in her.

She described herself as a “Helper” who came to Earth to assist others with the shift. Her primary job was to help those transitioning after death. She did this both in the physical and in the in-between. She did soul retrieval, but she didn’t call it that. She described it as preparing those who were about to die so they could have an easy transition and then helping those after they died to go to those waiting to help them transition.

I do not think I do this type of soul retrieval, but it is fascinating nonetheless. However, the woman said some things that I believe are true for me as well.

  1. Her “Home” is of the “golden light”. I see and experience this golden light often in my OOB travels. I wonder if this, too, is my Home?
  2. She describes the ascended masters as having a different energy that is of all colors. She mentioned silver and I remembered when Eron described himself as “Silver” to me. They assist the “helpers” with the energy they are working with.
  3. When asked her purpose she said “to help”. Since my early years I have remembered my purpose to be only “to help”. It has long frustrated me because it seems to simple and not specific enough.
  4. She speaks of a transition coming for everyone on Earth. Those like her, who came to help, will go Home after this transition while others will go to places that align with their energy. “Home” is this beautiful garden full of light beings. I have seen this garden and many times when I see my guides they show themselves as made of Light.
  5. Her past lives, which her physical self remembers, are not specifically hers but all “pieces” of her whole Self which reunited to assist her in this life; giving her what she needed to do her work. This felt familiar to me.
  6. The beginning stages of her life were to prepare her for her work. She had made agreements to help certain people, some of these agreements felt to her to be “bad things” she did but it was these “bad things” that she had agreed to do. I have been told this about my own life.
  7. She described those who were Helpers who worked with the in denser, darker energy. She said she did not like this and preferred to work with those of lighter energy. I, however, can relate to those who work with the denser energy because she said they “can see the light” in those surrounded in darkness. This explains my attraction for the kids in the juvenile system and others like them.

There is another individual doing similar work whose Higher Self describes how he leaves his body at night to go Home and learn lessons (go to school). What I related most to was that the HS said that one way this man could identify when he had been OOB was that when he was IN his body he would feel Hot and when he was OOB he would feel cold. Lately, when I awake in the mornings I am very hot, hot to the point that I am sweaty and cannot cool down. There are also times I wake in the night freezing only to fall to sleep and then wake up burning hot. This has not always been the case with me. In fact, I spent most of my 20s and 30s very, very cold at night, especially my feet and hands. I wonder now if this was because I was not completely IN my body?

What was most profound for me in reading this chapter was that my knowingness about my purpose was validated. I repeated to myself, “I am here to help” and was covered in warm energy that made me want to cry. There was also mention of how there is not much time left. This has been something I have heard since June 2014. I need to hurry up and get to work! Yet I have no idea what that is. I asked last night to be told. I told my Team I was ready. But I got a feeling I was not. Fear rose up inside me, fear that I would have to leave my family. So much fear that I cried. I was told I did not have to leave them, but apparently this is holding me back at the moment. I don’t understand but I know it will be figured out.

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Lucid to OBE: Where’s My Head?

I took 100mg of B6 last night before bed just to see if it would do anything since last time I had a lucid dream that turned into several OBEs. Well, it worked! Unfortunately, I don’t recall everything as there are some blank spots in between very vivid OBEs. When I woke up my guide informed me that I was OOB for 75 minutes and that I had 6 OBEs. I didn’t ask but I had wondered briefly how long I had been asleep.

All it took for me to go OOB was to request it. I love my Team!

Lucid to OBE: Where’s My Head?

Prior to this experience I had a lucid dream that turned into an OBE but I have forgotten it now. I recall only that the environment I was in was very shifty and dark and that I felt the vibrations of exit and re-entry.

I became very lucid after exiting my body. I found myself in my bedroom but it was not in this reality. I got out of bed and looked around. I saw a light coming from the hallway. Briefly I recall seeing a gray cat and my son, but can’t recall what I did with them. I believe I kicked the cat away from me as it purred and rubbed up against my leg.

I went toward the light and saw that it came from a bathroom. The door was closed so I pushed it open and went inside. It was a muted brightness when I went in. I recall thinking, “It will be too bright” so I think I muted it, worried it would hurt my eyes.

There was a bathtub in front of me with toilet next to it and a long vanity mirror next to that, both to my left. I felt the light was not too much and so allowed the room to fully illuminate. I saw sparkles in the golden air that moved and glittered. It was like the light was alive!

I noticed I was standing right in front of the mirror so I turned to take a look at myself. I was giddy for some reason, just very happy and in high spirits. I remember speaking aloud saying, “Oh, there I am! Hi!” I looked at my lower body and saw that it was shifty like the rest of the space I was in. I stabilized it but saw the mirror was not smooth but warped a bit.

I decided to look at my face but was surprised to find I had no head! I said, “Oh! I don’t have a head!” This made me laugh for some reason. Not concerned, I simply thought my head back and there it appeared in the mirror. I said aloud, “That’s better!” The image of the woman in the mirror did not, however, look like I do now. She was similar but not exactly right. I didn’t really care and accepted the image as me without question, yet a part of me retained the image wondering who exactly I was seeing.

OBE: Christmas Room

Yet again I had an OBE that I do not recall completely that led to this one. In this one I was walking down a hallway in the house attached to the bedroom of the other one (all my OBEs were in this house). There was again the shifty, darkness until I got to a room. When I went into the room it was fully illuminated.

Inside I was pleased to discover a large living area completely decked out in Christmas decorations. There were ribbons and wreaths, trees and ornaments. It was dazzling and beautiful! I saw the room was quite large, too, and walked the length of it. I do recall seeing at one end a man watching me but I looked the other way and said, “This is like how I would decorate for Christmas if I could afford it!” I thought for sure I had entered into some very rich person’s house.

There was interaction here with the man who I saw but it gets hazy. I remember seeing him and talking with him for some time. He was with a shorter, dark haired woman who I seemed to like a lot. The man was taller than me, had sandy-blonde hair and seemed older, maybe mid-40s. He had blue eyes that seemed to sparkle.

At one point in the middle of our conversation I stopped and said to him, “How do I know you? What is your name?” I don’t remember now if he gave me a name but he told me, “I was there when you went to the dentist, remember? I have silver teeth”. He showed me his teeth and I was like, “Oh yeah. I remember”, but I didn’t remember.

I hugged him and felt a familiar energy from him. I said to him, “I’m sorry. I’m married” and pulled away.

I wandered around for a bit, looking at things and saw that there was nothing personal in this Christmas room. I said aloud, “This can’t be real. There is nothing personal here” as I fiddled with a nondescript, silver toy car.

OBE: Room 340

There was a shift back into my body then and then I went back out. This time I was in an office environment. The dark haired woman was there as was the blonde man. I told the blonde man that I wanted to be with the dark haired woman. Then I propositioned her, “Do you want to?” She said, “Sure!” Surprised, I followed her.

We walked around inside this office looking for a private space. I stopped an asked someone, “Is there an open office we could use?” She said, “No they are all full”. The dark haired woman said, “Is there maybe an open internet room?” The woman said, “Yes but hurry. Room 340“. She pointed to the right.

We went to the room but the walls were all only half walls. I was concerned about privacy and one wall fell down completely.

Then I lost lucidity for a while and found myself back in the bedroom. I remember thinking I should find my husband but deciding I did not want to bother waking up to do so. I chose to return to the OBE instead but the woman was gone. I remember being in our bed and my middle son being there asleep next to my husband. I also recall I was holding a bowl of cereal (lol) and that I gave it to my son.

I remember seeing another cat then and being irritated by it. I went out the window and felt the brisk night air but felt it was not allowed. I do remember seeing a very bright, white light amid the stars and thinking it was the moon. My memory says it was not the moon, though. I honestly don’t know what it was.