Monthly Archives: May 2016

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Dreams: Prison, Dead Dog and History Class

Found this in my drafts folder from over a month ago. Not sure why I never posted it.

Very active dream night.

Dream: Prison

I was with a group consisting of two men and two women and myself. We had just been released from prison and were in holding together. There was a backstory connected to the two men, but I cannot remember it now. What I do remember is being with the other women, segregated from the men. I was suppose to take a bath and clean up and was walking back and forth between the bathroom/women’s quarters and another place. I don’t remember being naked but I do recall the men staring at me. Yet I was comfortable with them. It was like they were my family.

The feeling is that we were preparing to be released after years spent in a sort of prison. Prison is the best word, though I do not feel it is an accurate description.

Dream: Dead Dog

I was in a dorm-type room and it felt similar to college for some reason. I did not feel like I belonged there. Again, it was a segregated-type feeling. Men were with men, women with women. The women didn’t like me and had killed my little, white dog. They laughed at me as I took the body of the dog and fled out of the room. When no one was looking, I took the body of my dog, now in a small wooden box, and sneaked outside. It was a brilliantly beautiful day and I could see a field of green in front of me. In the distance was a forest. I could see the door behind me, lit up against a stark, white building with no other openings. The building rose so high I could not see the top.

I began to tip-toe into the field when I heard a voice and saw that a group of the men were coming in from a training exercise. I could not hide. I was out in the open. So I just froze there, hoping no one would see me. I never got to bury my dog as I was seen and taken back inside to my room.

Dream: History Class

I found myself inside a classroom with other students. In front of me was a test, a U.S. History test. I felt out of place and did not understand why I was in this class again! I saw the teacher in the front of the room watching everyone. I took the test but knew all the answers and didn’t care if I passed or failed. I was going to get this fixed because I did not belong in this class.

The teacher had us grade our own tests. I only missed one. He took them up and then passed them out again and had marked on my test. The grade was an 86 and he marked two more wrong. 3 wrong? I was angry at him.

I left the classroom intent on fixing the issue by changing my schedule. I was NOT taking that stupid class again!!

Interpretation

Writing what I think the dreams mean now, versus a month ago when I had them.

The prison dream had a feeling of awakening with it and upon reading it again I realize this is an accurate interpretation. There was a series of dreams at this time in which I was with a small group of family in Spirit. We were being released from contracts I believe and preparing to go out “on our own” so to speak. I can see the developments in my life pertaining to this dream now as I prepare to head to Mt. Shasta.

The second dream is relating to how I had been feeling at the time. Trapped and struggling with an internal split. I felt betrayed (dead dog) but not sure by who. I escaped but was recaptured indicating a feeling of failure or lack of ability to free myself from life’s circumstances.

The history class I believe is related to past life events and healing/learning from them. I feel I have already been there/done that yet I am still required to review and test over the same subject. It is very frustrating!

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Revelations from the Kundalini

It has been an Ah-Ha kinda morning! When I woke up, I even talked to my husband for a good 30 minutes straight about my realizations. That in itself is a shock. lol

Since the Kundalini has begun to rise with such intensity, my Companion continues to ask me the same question over and over. “What do you feel?” he will ask. I think and think but the answer has been too complicated. What I feel is too difficult to describe! It is beyond my ability to articulate!

At night and during any meditation break I am asked this question. Last night was no exception. “What do you feel?” I was asked again. Just thinking about the feeling made me cry. It is so amazingly beautiful!

I was unable to stop my tears. They just slowly dripped from my eyes as I recalled the feeling of the Kundalini. My memory of it brought back the heart warmth and only made me miss it more. I remember thinking, “This must be what a heroine addict feels like.” lol

As I calmed, the only word that came to mind was “potentiality”.

That’s when it hit me. The feelings were my own potentiality being realized. The Kundalini is self-realization.

I had already heard of self-realization, or self-actualization, from my school years. Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs came to mind. Read the article in the link if you need a refresher. With this my understanding of self-realization/self-actualization was complete. I never truly understood it until now.

In explaining it to my husband this morning, it was just made more clear to me. The reason the K is so intense, so overwhelming beautiful, is that as it rises one’s full potential is expanded and realized via each of the chakras. So, as the K rises through the root chakra, all one’s potential to create and experience within the scope of this chakra is realized. It creates a heavenly explosion of all that the root chakra encompasses. And to be clear, the explosion of potentiality is neither good nor bad, it just IS. And with each chakra the potentiality is realized and builds upon the others.

In my mind I understood with complete clarity what was occurring and why and what I was feeling. It is like every emotion, every lifetime, and all the potential within me to express myself is contained in the K energy. It is unrestrained, unrestricted, undefined. It is timeless and all-encompassing. And all of it, every seductive, succulent piece of it, is ME.

This potentiality within the experience of the Kundalini is so vast, so expansive, that when one succumbs to it (which one cannot avoid) there is no longer a need to experience within the confines of the physical because the potentiality of all of the Self is realized. This explains the feeling of impending “death” that accompanies the K. With death, one completely succumbs and let’s go. They transcend this reality and enter the the place of no-time. The place where everything just IS, all at once. There is no wanting, no lacking, no judgement.

Within the lower chakras is contained every emotion and expression therein that I am capable of. Within the upper chakras is contained my manifestation potential. The spark that lights the fire of creation. My fifth chakra, the chakra of communication, is the first manifestation outlet. Speak your truth. Create your reality via expression. Sing your emotions. Sing the life you wish to create. Give your potential a voice, a personality, a channel from which to project itself.

Entrance into the physical reality singles out one’s potential. It is focus upon specific potentialities. So that when we are here in this physical experience, we are choosing to manifest a specific aspect of ourSelf – a potentiality in physical form. The reason the K can create such upset for one within the physical experience of it is because the physical is incapable of expressing all of one’s potential in one lifetime. It is meant to limit us to only the expression of some of our potential. It is finite.

The path to K is overwhelming to the physical Experiencer and can result in insanity if irresponsibly set upon. Resistance to the K once initiated can also result in a feeling of insanity. So if you have K-rising, just accept and succumb. The results will be beyond imagining.

 

 

 

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Another Past Life Revealed

After the Kundalini experience this morning (which I wrote about here), I fell to sleep and entered into a vivid dream. This dream revealed yet another past life, one which I had not previously recalled.

Dream: Past Life

I was standing outside on a pier. I don’t know where this pier was nor the time period. My main intention for being there was to resolve an issue from a past life. I knew this. I also knew I was male.

In front of me was a person I know from this life. She was a classmate of mine from 5th grade until graduation from high school. When I saw her in the dream, though, I knew her as someone I had wronged. She had been my lover many years before and I had left her suddenly without cause or reason given. This had left her wondering and sad for the remainder of her life. Though she continued on in that life, she was left with the scar. I had come to ask her forgiveness and allow us both to heal.

I approached her, asking her how she had been all this time. She was melancholy and there was discussion of her marrying and having children. I recall seeing scenes from her life but now they are a blur. I was very caring with her and gentle, trying to sooth her upset. I apologized for my actions, for leaving her without notice and never contacting her to explain. There was discussion of a child lost. A young boy who died as a child. I am not sure but he may have been our child and I remember feeling very sorry for never having met him.

There was toward the end of this dream a feeling of moving on for us both.

Resolution?

Upon waking I knew with certainty why my relationship with her in this life had been what it had been. It was so very clear!

The entire time I knew her in this life she was very beautiful and one of the popular girls. I envied her for both things but also recognized that her position was gained only because she was presented a false version of herself to others. I absolutely despise those who are fake/lie and cannot stand to be around them. In middle school I did not know this about myself. I assumed I was just jealous and was hard on myself for my tendency to shy away from most girls my age because of their fakeness.

At one point this girl, who I will call B, wanted to be my friend. She was especially persistent in acquiring my friendship and I eagerly became her best friend despite not liking her very much. She had a strange interest in me, though, and I did in her as well. My interest was mostly curiosity. I wanted to know who she really was. I quickly learned more than I wanted to know.

She was always looking at me when I undressed and commenting on my appearance. I was especially mature for my age. At 13 I looked like I do now. She, on the other hand, had not even begun to get her breasts. She also wanted to know everything about me. She was constantly asking questions and wanting to come spend the night. When over at my house she would ask my family about me. It made me very uncomfortable. I later learned she was gaining information to use against me if needed. This was how she played all of her friends. Quite despicable!

She also used our friendship to get material things. She had little money-wise and considered me “rich” because we had a swimming pool (funny!). She often was able to get me to buy her things – she was very persuasive!

Eventually she began to use our friendship to her advantage at school. I was one of the smart kids in school. She was not. lol She often got answers to math questions from me and at one point I got fed up with it. I did not like being a part of her cheating. During a test I loudly stated, “No, I will not let you cheat off me, B.” Everyone in the classroom, including the teacher, heard me and stared at her wide-eyed. I’m sure she was completely humiliated. When things calmed she turned to me with an evil look and said, “I guess we aren’t friends anymore.” I responded, “I guess not.”

From that point on she made it her job to make my life miserable as best she could. I, thankfully, didn’t care much about social acceptance and kept to myself. But I hated her from then on because what she presented to others was a lie. She has been in my dreams on and off ever since, which drove me crazy!

Upon realizing this past life, I understood why we were destined to have this relationship in this life. Had we been of opposite genders, then we likely would have played into our past life roles. Either way, we would have hated one another because the past life was left with such animosity on her part because our relationship was never resolved. I hope now that it has been!

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Dream: Organ

I got to sleep in this morning! No interrupted sleep. No Kundalini. Just a nice, restful sleep!

Unfortunately, as soon as I awoke there was not so good news from my husband. Why must my mornings be clouded in such a way? I must take the news in stride. Today is my daughter’s 8th birthday party. It will be a good day!

I had an interesting dream I want to share with you all.

Dream: Organ

I was with a group of teachers and administrators at orientation. Apparently I had taken the position of school counselor. I remember discussing my salary and schedule. There was mention that I would be making $4000/month but only if I agreed to add a class at the end of the day. I agreed, but can’t remember what the class was about nor my title which was a split title between counselor and something else. I recall another teacher listening in and knew she had to work more hours than me but got less pay. It seemed wrong but I didn’t say anything about it.

Then I was receiving the key to my room/office. I remember asking where it would be and pointed to the number 33 on the key ring. The lady who was giving it to me said she had to check the school map and then showed me room 428 or something close to that. I said, “Isn’t that on the 4th floor?” and then realized it was in the high school not the middle school. This was when I recognized my position was full-time and at a high school. For some reason I had not expected this. I didn’t want to work full-time.

I lingered in a room with several other teachers and was shown an old, large organ that had a domed cover on it. It was made of wood and in fairly good condition. I remember that I had requested it for my office because music was very important to me. I opened it up and played some notes, wishing I had kept up with my piano lessons in college. I played a few chords and another teacher requested I play her a song. I told her I couldn’t, that I was out of practice. So I selected some music that was saved on the organ and let it play.

In inspecting the organ further I saw that it had a screen with a list of movies organized alphabetically. I went through several of them and watched as the organ projected them up on a screen in the room. Several teachers stayed to watch as I played several for short periods of time. I never selected one because I didn’t recognize them. Many were Disney cartoons and several were old shows. I remember one was about dinosaurs.

A male teacher requested one and so I attempted to play it but accidentally pushed the “log out” button. The screen shifted to the log-in screen and I realized I did not have the log-in of the previous owner. Uh-oh. How would I ever retrieve the movies or music now?

The male teacher said, “We can just watch Star Wars” and went to a cabinet below the projection screen and opened it up to reveal a TV and DVD player. He popped in the DVD and they began watching one of the Star Wars movies. I remember being beside myself with this new problem of losing everything saved on this organ and never being able to retrieve it.

Behind the Dream

Behind the dream scenes I was struggling and having a conversation with one of my guides about upcoming changes to my life. There was a large bed and I would feel very, very tired and climb into it. I kept putting the pillow over my eyes and recall others trying to get my attention and me feeling too drowsy to give it to them. At one point I climbed into the bed and there was an old man in it who wanted to cuddle with me. I couldn’t stand it because the bed was really horribly hot and uncomfortable. That is when I finally chose to not sleep and discuss the options laid out before me.

Symbolism

The theme of the dream is around my career and choices I have. I have been looking for work but struggling to find anything that I am interested in. There is one job that would suit me well but it is a 30 minute commute from my home and is with students who are part of the alternative education program. My main concern is that I will be back working with kids who are in such a program. The other concern is going back to work full-time. I keep looking at the job but not applying. So the dream is likely me looking over this part of my waking life and discussion my options.

Organs symbolize one’s spiritual connections and religious views. I suspect that this particular organ represents my life path. The movies are representative of my life and indecision because I am not able to choose one. They can also represent life passing one by. The music represents emotions and enjoyment of life. I am able to play some music but feel sad that I had not learned to play more. This is likely my regret of not enjoying life more.

The accidental log-out is likely discussion of the soul exchange phenomena and my concerns about the results of it. I could also be reconsidering it since I accidentally log out.

roach

The feeling when I awoke was an inability to confront some things in my life and I just wanted to return to sleep. There happened to be a baby roach on my ceiling when I woke up. I did not see it as a good sign but when reading about them I realized that this one was affirming my thoughts upon waking. I felt change was coming for me and there was a sadness about it. Roaches symbolize metamorphosis and bring the message that change is coming. They just happen to be part of the beetle family which I wrote about recently. When one sees a roach it likely means they are spending too much time alone or in the shadows. Time to step out into the light.

 

 

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Dream: Evacuation

After the K-rising incident this morning I was somehow able to return to sleep. I had a very vivid dream which I believe may have some precognitive components to it.

Dream: Evacuation

The dream started with me outside with a large group of people. There were police officers and people of “high rank” that called the gathering. They had megaphones and were directimg people in certain directions. I remember being inside a massive room with enormous windows from floor to ceiling. Looking back on it, it reminds me of an airport but I don’t know which one (DFW?). There were children running about and I was trying to keep track of mine. I got distracted by the many helicopters that were circling very, very close to the windows. I can still see the blue and white underside vividly in my mind.

Then there was an evacuation of large masses of the human population into an underground complex. The complex was completely air tight and had provisions and accommodations enough for hundreds, maybe thousands of people.

Inside it was all concrete and steel with ample lighting. I remember there was much confusion at first and I was searching for my children. I was told they were in a room with other children. I located the room which was the size of a movie theater and saw many children covered in blankets laying down to sleep.

Then the room seemed to spin and all the children vanished. In their place was a black sheet of ice. As I went toward the exit the ice began to crack and huge crevices began to form. One man threw some metal tools into a large fan. He was one of the many who had gone insane from the stress of the situation. The metal tools caused the fan to stick and sparks began to fly. I knew a fire was imminent and went to warn everyone. While all this was happening there was an underlying current of tension and panic from the people. The only thing I cared about was finding my son.

I found myself in a kitchen and there were several kids playing. I asked about my son and they told me he had climbed into a giant ice machine and gotten stuck. After some tense moments trying to shut it off, I was able to get him out. Inside was not ice but giant waffles. Very strange!

Then I was back inside the airport-type place with large windows. There was an announcement that seemed projected into the air above the windows. The announcement was that the President was unable to fulfill his/her duties so Clinton was called in to take over. I remember thinking, “Why would they call in Clinton?” On the screen was a clear-as-day image of Clinton as he announced some major changes to the US. He announced that the US was in a state of emergency and to seek shelter immediately.

Considerations

When I awoke the feeling was that the dream had some very important precognitive messages in it. I am not sure what is precognitive and what isn’t, but the main feeling I brought back from it was that Clinton was important. My first thought was that his wife, Hillary, was the one unable to fulfill her duties as president. But relax, if you don’t want Clinton as president, remember, this is just a dream. lol

In considering the dream now, I feel like there will be something that creates a need for martial law and temporary evacuation of the population of some areas. The feeling in the dream was uncertainty. I felt very much like I did while watching the news when the planes hit the twin towers. A tenseness and feeling of “what’s next?”

I also think the scenes of the dream are two different time periods. The airport scenes are likely an evacuation point and it felt less tense there. I felt safe and reassured that if I stayed there I would be okay. The underground location was much more chaotic, like things had gotten worse and many people had died. I shudder to think what might have happened to make me feel like I did in the dream.

If this is precognitive then it also suggests the time period of such events. Bill Clinton will be alive, at least during the airport time period. I don’t know how old he is now but the image I saw of him in the dream was very similar to how he looks now. For all I know, the second time period of the underground location could be years later.

Then again, this dream may not be precognitive at all.

Picture found at http://pedrocarrion.com/dallas-fort-worth-international-airport/

 

 

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Another Visit from Kundalini

I have taken to meditating in the middle of the day this week. Usually, this time is spent clearing my mind and connecting with my Team.

We discussed my fear reaction during the previous night’s dreamstate in which I felt the Kundalini rising. They reassured me that all was going as planned. My Companion was particularly excited and his energy was very uppity, more so than usual. He showed me a visual of a thumb and pointer finger real close together and said, “You are almost there.” As I became more relaxed and close to entering the trance state I saw a visual of Dorothy’s red shoes tapping together three times and heard, “There’s no place like home.” This brought me out of my reverie and I wondered about it, and heard, “The Union is close. Soon you’ll be Home. We’re waiting for you.” The energy around me indicated quite a few more members of my Team than I am use to. I tried not to overthink it, but typically when the numbers rise, so do my chances of a “big event” in my life. The excitement from my Team was tremendous.

Talk about a build, up, huh? lol

Dream: Choosing to be Bad

I was with a family consisting of a mother, father and young woman. The environment had a continuous golden hue about it as did the young woman who was the focus of my attention. I was traveling with the family to what would be the woman’s new school (university).

We approached an island in a boat. The island was magnificent with crystal blue waters surrounding it and white sand beaches. It also had tall, red porous rock (pumice) mounds formed from the magma from an old volcano. The rock was used as a building material for the housing of the island and I could see tall structures resembling human-sized ant colonies with blue glass windows indicating the separate living quarters.

We walked amidst many hundreds of other families who were all gathering there for orientation. I was sent to gather information when we stopped and stood at the base of an elevator. There was a feeling of anticipation mixed with nervousness, similar to how I recall feeling on my own first day of college. There is nervousness in going off on one’s own but this is also the very source of the excitement.

I went to the university cafe to order something to eat and saw a group of dark haired, Asian men in a group discussing something. An officer approached them to break them up and I assumed these men must be of the “bad” sort. I then watched some students mingling around a table. One was standing in an ant bed and had ants crawling up his trousers.

The men caught my attention again and before I knew it I was standing next to one of them. All I recall now is his dark hair because there was an intense attraction to him. He persuaded me to go with him and was very blunt in his advances. My entire focus was on him and the feeling he gave me. It was spectacular and I was enthralled by its seductive quality. I felt completely and utterly under his spell and did not reject it.

I spent the rest of the dream with this man who told me his name was Michael. He had 100% of my attention and anything he suggested I was willing to do, even if it was something I would normally never consider doing. Despite me describing him as “bad”, he was nothing of the sort. He was completely gentle, loving and compassionate. I trusted him with my all and knew he would never ask of me something that was not in my best interests. Besides, the spectacular feeling I had when around him was intoxicating. I knew without a doubt that I didn’t want to be with anyone but him.

The dream shifted. I was in a state of euphoria, going around from person to person asking them if they were going to attend the event. It had a name but it is lost to me now. However, I knew that it was similar to a divorce because in my mind the event’s focus was on my current husband and our dissolution of marriage. In the dream I was not upset at all about this. In fact, I was celebrating it.

The Micheal person who I had been with earlier in the dream reappeared then and began to discuss with me plans for our Union. I do not remember it  – or anything we talked about really  – I was too absorbed in the amazing, all-encompassing bliss feeling that was coursing through me. All I cared about was completing the circuit of this energy but was held back by him. “Not yet” was all remember him saying about it.

Afterwards

I woke up and the dream quickly began to fade, but my Companion was talking to me and continuing the conversation I was having with Michael in the dream. When I focused on his voice in my mind my heart lit up with an amazing feeling. It is indescribable! It was so much more powerful than I had felt up until this point that I wondered if I was about to die. All I wanted to do was succumb to it; to let it overtake me and be lost in it. It is beyond any ecstasy I have ever experienced and even that is an inadequate description.

I wish I could remember everything he said to me, but again the feeling was so amazing and powerful that my mental focus was nil. lol I had lost all resistance. Not one ounce of it remained. Even now all I can think about is losing myself in that feeling. I remember briefly thinking as the feeling waned, “I should be afraid. He (my Companion) could do anything he wanted with me and I would accept it. What if he is tempted to abuse that power?” I understood then the source of my fear for any human would be tempted by such power over another. Yet the thought disintegrated in the presence of the all-encompassing bliss feeling. I didn’t care one bit if I was abused. But I knew I wouldn’t be.

At this point my crown chakra was intensely blazing and it felt as if the entirety of the top and back of my head was a vast vortex of energy flowing in. My third-eye was also blazing but distinctly separate from the crown sensation. Since the heart bliss was still very powerful, I briefly thought the circuit was about to complete. All that was missing was my throat chakra! This is when most of our conversation becomes memorable to me.

From what I can recall of our conversation, he told me that the Union was forthcoming. My trip to Mt. Shasta was mentioned along with the soul exchange. He told me I would be “called” and in this case I knew it was in regards to my “work” here on Earth. There was a sense that after the Union my focus – knowingness – would be shifted into high gear and the doubt erased as to what I am suppose to do and why. It scared me somewhat because I knew partially what this entailed and my dream hinted at it.

He reminded me of something he told me during the last full moon (major K energy then, too). He told me, “When you see me, you will die a thousands deaths.” I suspect now this is meant to warn me of what to expect when the Union is complete. I attribute Union to the completion of the Kundalini circuit, but I may be wrong. All I know is that I am more than willing to die a thousand deaths and then some. That is how seductive the feeling is. It says, “Surrender to me” and the feeling is that when I fully surrender that I will cease to exist as me – that I will become We. I will go back to Source and become Whole; complete; restored to my full brilliance.

I can’t wait.

 

 

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Beetle Mania

Sorry to disappoint you, but this is not about The Beatles. 🙂 lol

For about a week  I’ve been seeing beetles everywhere. First they were coming in my dreams. Big, black, shiny beetles walking around. I noticed them in my dreams as out of place and so when I woke that was pretty much all I recalled about the dream. Weird, huh?

Last night as I went into the house and was preparing for bed, I looked down on my black yoga pants and saw a bug. Looking closer I recognized it. Do you?

A little lightening bug was on me! Tee-hee!

Then this morning, about an hour after thinking to myself, “I need to write a post on beetles because I keep seeing them” I spotted a tiny black beetle on the floor in the bathroom. It was probably the size of my pinky fingernail, but it was still gross to me so I picked it up with some TP and tossed it in the toilet. Yuck!

So what is up, Mr. Beetle? Why do you keep coming around?

Upon first inspection, seeing a beetle in your dreams does not look to be a good sign. Everywhere I looked online said that if you see a beetle in your dreams just casually walking around (like in mine) then it means there is a destructive force present in your waking life. This destructive force could be internal or external. Other than that, it leaves the determination of just what this force is up to the dreamer. Not really that easy to do in my case as there are so many such forces both internally and externally that I can choose from. lol

Then I thought to look up the symbolism of the beetle as a totem or sign just to see if it differed from the dream symbolism. Sometimes the meaning is the same regardless but in this case it was very different.

As always I went to whats-your-sign.com and found a plethora of information on the symbolism of the beetle. Yay! I love that website! Anyway, rather than summarize everything, I will just pick and choose those parts of Mr. Beetle’s message that I feel are applicable to me and my situation.

Transformation
Adaptation
Surrender to change
Strength
Stability
Give thanks for those things that are stable, reliable and secure in my life
Focus on the material
Be more grounded
Be more rooted in our life (family connections)
Take note of negative thoughts and their influence
Black indicates promotion of stability, protection and healing misunderstandings

It seems to me that Mr. Beetle has come to remind me to focus on my life and getting it on track. All things mundane and then some is what seems to be his theme. There is, of course, a spiritual component to his message, but it seems that he wants me to see the spiritual in the physical. This I am happy to do but at the same time I would rather not get my hands dirty with some of the more unpleasant parts. I admit, little, black beetles give me the heebie-jeebies. lol

I prefer the message of the little firefly/lightening bug. I linked to the symbolism above but will say his message brings me a bit more hope. I can use some inspiration, imagination, illumination, and patience. Patience especially. 🙂

 

 

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Dream, OBE and Realizations

As always, just when I think I’ve gone back to “normal”, something happens to shake things up.

It began with me feeling a strange energy shift yesterday which made me feel a bit melancholy. I requested help prior to sleep, asking my guidance what, if anything, I should do. I was told I would astral project but I responded that I was not really interested in projecting.

Dream: Scandal

I entered a semi-lucid dream in which I was a guest at a luncheon with many friends and acquaintances. The house was quaint and reminded me of a country cottage. There was a long table dressed with a white tablecloth in the center of a country-style kitchen. Sitting at the table was approximately five or six people, couples mostly.

The wooden floors creaked as I approached the table. I was introduced to a woman who was familiar from recent dream. She had dark, curly, shoulder-length hair and fair skin. When we were introduced I became dizzy, which was odd. My entire head began to spin and within the dream I recognized why. I knew this woman and her partner. There was a brief memory of Russia being involved in this exchange of information. A past life perhaps? IDK but it triggered a dizzy spell within the dream experience.

Then I was interacting with this woman’s partner. I never quite saw him clearly, which is weird. He was young, I know that, and I believe he also had fair skin but still I struggle to recall his exact appearance. He came up to me and there was a huge inrush of attraction and energy that hit me square in the heart and shot down through to my root chakra. He moved in very close to me and there was a knowingness that his intentions were to be with me despite having a partner. He hooked his arm around mine and led me to the opposite side of the room. He kept brushing my chest purposefully. I recall that I was wearing a corseted blue dress. My reaction to this was to pull away out of fear that someone would see us. I remember a man glancing in our direction and the word “scandal” came to mind.

Then we were outside of the cottage on the edge of a large, green meadow. There were very tall trees that towered over us and a cool breeze. I leaned up against one of the trees, its bark was white like an aspen. The man was with me and he was embracing me and there was such a glorious feeling in this. My heart was so full that I could not breathe. I recall him asking me if I would run off to Montana with him. I wanted to. Badly. Yet I kept having this awful feeling of dread and my emotions were conflicted to the point of torture. What about his partner? I couldn’t do that to her. I was ashamed that I wanted to.

I don’t recall making out or doing anything sexual with this man. At one point, though, my breasts were exposed and I was encouraging him by saying, “They are all outside”. Obviously, the dream had shifted back to inside the cottage. The man said, “No, they are just there” pointing to the doors. I became frozen with fear at this point and a bit paranoid. The energy was still pummeling me from my chest to my toes. I was overcome by it. I wanted to completely succumb to it yet at the same time I was paralyzed by it.

At this point the man and everyone else disappeared. I was alone in the cottage searching for a broom and dustpan. My entire focus was to sweep up some spilled cereal that had gotten underneath the cabinets. At the back of my mind the entire time was the man and what he represented. I wanted nothing to do with any of it.

Realizations

I woke up gradually and without much memory of the dream at first. However, someone was still speaking to me and encouraging me to remember. I was asked to focus on what I felt. When I did this I felt the surge of energy in my heart chakra and an inability to breathe through it. I shut it down as quickly as I could but at the same time I did not want the feeling to stop. It is the most spectacular feeling yet when I have it I feel so much dread, as if I will die or something horrible will happen if I allow it. I want desperately to get away from the feeling.

Within moments of all of this, I realized  my “running” was true. I was absolutely terrified and in that moment all I felt was a paralyzing terror. The heart sensation was muted and I wanted to feel it but I also wanted to run as far away from it as I could get. To want something so desperately but at the same time feel absolute terror and dread for that very thing is a VERY conflicting situation to be in. I HATE IT!

The dream began to hit me in full and the woman and the dizzy feeling was very pronounced. I literally began to lose consciousness in the dream and could almost contact the feeling right then and there while recalling it. I knew there was a past life connection there somewhere. It was linked to Russia and in recalling the dream I remember hearing someone speak with a Russian accent. In my mind a scenario began to play out. Couple immigrates from Russia. Man meets me and we are caught up in a scandalous romance. He begs me to run off with him to Montana.

I immediately tossed it from my mind, though. I couldn’t handle it. No more past lives! No more of any of this!

I felt so much dread and a pure panic. My mind was going a million miles an hour but the thoughts were muddled and nothing made sense. The main thoughts that I had were that that wonderful feeling = really horribly bad stuff. lol

As I calmed and listened to my guidance I understood that the Kundalini was in a sense forcing these issues to the surface. I have so much fear associated with this particular kind of love but I desperately want to experience it. I was reminded that this love is okay and I am not “bad” for feeling it. Despite this I could not help but feel “bad”. I felt awful. I felt like a whore. A slut. Completely degraded. WTF?

OBE

I fell back to sleep hearing my guide tell me, “You will project”. He was correct. But it was a brief projection. Almost immediately upon returning to sleep I woke up from within a dream and said, “I’m OUT! I’m OUT!” over and over. “Out” meaning OOB. I disconnected from my dream-self, turned around and forcefully said to her, “I’m OUT!!!” As I did, I literally pushed her away from me but the sensation was the opposite of what I expected. I felt myself pulled with intense force back into her. For what seemed like an eternity I pushed and pushed with all my might to get away from her. I was “out” but couldn’t detach completely. And in focusing so much on trying to get out I began to hold my breath. Imagine pushing on something, like a heavy dresser, and how you bear down, holding your breath as you push with all your might. This is what I did to the point that I felt my physical body screaming for air. The sensation of breathlessness was the last straw and my physical body sucked me back with such force that my energy was very strange and I felt somewhat disoriented. I yelled at my guides, “I want OUT and I don’t want to ever go back!” I heard in reply, “Foolish girl”. LOL Now that just made me angry and I said, “If it is possible I will figure out how to do it.”

Considerations

I drifted back to sleep briefly and when I awoke I felt much more settled. My heart was no longer blazing but my entire midsection was sore. I am sure I gave my solar plexus quite a workout. lol

The struggle I am going through is not fun. I honestly don’t know how to embrace the feeling that I obviously want to embrace despite the fear it triggers. I know I need to confront the fear head-on but I don’t know how. There is such an exhaustion related to this struggle now. I wish I had never contacted the feeling now, but then I can’t go back, can I? Obviously, in my past lives, I have felt the feeling and been overcome by it, making some really stupid decisions and then blaming myself, degrading myself, beating myself up for it. There is a sense that I would die for the feeling, and I guess I have several times. LOL I can laugh now, but then the energetic impact, the “soul damage” that has been done is painfully obvious. I relate the feelings with being “bad” or “bad” things. The judgement is severe. Sigh. Yet I know I will get past it. The only way out is through.

 

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8 Months

I overslept this morning and my daughter almost missed the bus. When I woke up I heard the bus beeping which means the driver was waiting for her. My husband had been awake and never woke her up or prepared her. She flew out of bed and onto the bus unprepared. I made him take her what she forgot but I really wish I could rely on my husband for something so simple. I needed the extra sleep!

My tiredness is just increasing. I suppose the major geomagnetic storm a couple of days ago is the culprit. During the day the constant message/knowingness I am getting is to focus on life and get my shit together. For what? I have no clue, but apparently I need to do some things.

There was a message not long ago about integrating. It came to me quite suddenly and makes sense. The living between two worlds sensation that I have been experiencing since 2003 has long become my normal but I have always felt a distinct difference between the two worlds I have lived in. Now it seems that that distinction is fading. The two worlds seem more and more blended. My waking life is an active integration of the two. No longer are my spiritual experiences distinctly separate from my mundane experiences. The two are becoming one and the same.

There is a part of me that desires for the separation to remain. There is a sadness that this time is coming to an end. Yet I know that this integration of the two worlds within me is meant to be an example for others because eventually this will be everyone’s experience.

I hate to tell you this (those who are just beginning this journey or those who have not yet taken that first step) but the integration, the embodiment, is not looking to be some grand enlightenment or explosion of knowingness. From the way I am seeing it now, it just seems normal. Yes, I have had some grand experiences, some intense moments of knowingness, some enlightened periods where I feel the Oneness and vastness that is Me/We. But like all things experienced multiple times from within this human form, I have become normalized to the experience. It just IS.

I’m not saying all the work has not been worth it. Nor am I saying that I am done. We are never truly “done” anyway. What I am saying is that life keeps on and so do we regardless of the spiritual experiences and advances we have made. Life in itself IS a spiritual experience within the limits of the physical.

That vision I had of myself in 2003, of walking between worlds – on one side the physical/mundane/3D reality and on the other side life in Spirit/4D/5d and beyond – those two worlds are merging. Within US. Every day my life reveals to me how those two worlds are being experienced as One and the same. It can be amazingly beautiful but at the same time very intensely harsh and eye-opening. The days of retreating into my spiritual haven are gone. My haven is everywhere and in everything now. My spiritual experiences are now mixed into my waking life and my waking life is now mixed into the spiritual.

My mind is undergoing a major change in and of itself. This is where the blending of the two worlds is most noticeable. I have memories surface in my waking hours that are not from this timeline. This is now normal to me and I just let it flow. For example, I had a memory of a woman that I met and knew to avoid her, yet I had never met her in this timeline and as soon as I realized that, the memory of her vanished and could not be contacted. I will also catch myself having conversations throughout my day about things unrelated to my current life but very obviously related to another life in some other timeline. Sometimes they are conversations with my guides and other times they are full interactions with individuals not related to my guidance. This is my experience of the merging of the two worlds. This will also be everyone’s experience in some shape or form eventually.

Incidences such as these will just increase. Thankfully I am not confused by them as I have learned to navigate my mind and these timelines as if they are in this one. It does intrigue me when I become suddenly aware of these different lives/timelines and I use to try to seek out more information. I have learned this is pointless as my focus needs to be here, in this moment. Besides, I can choose to put my attention wherever I want whenever I want.

The challenge for me is to change my way of thinking of these two worlds. Well right there – TWO – hahaha! That is false in itself and I need to change my thinking right there. In considering the two as separate I constantly desire to be on the other side. This side I relate to as the world of Spirit, the Divine, the inexpiable, the limitless, the infinite and eternal. This side I relate to all that I feel I am not or am not able to be/achieve within this reality. My heart knows this separateness is false. My mind still needs to adjust. Majorly. lol

So now I understand what is to occur in the next 8 months. My mind needs to catch up to my heart. The integration period needs extending. My poor mind is still stuck in duality. Even as my experiences show me daily that this is false, my mind habitually shifts into rationalizing every experiences to match the reality it wishes to create. The movie screens of the mind and the heart need to be synced. The two must project the same image.

 

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Astrological Forecast

I wanted to share with you all the forecast I received from Litebeing (Linda) not long ago. She did an excellent job and I am so very grateful to her for her insights and wonderful explanation of everything.  I highly recommend her! Thanks so much Linda!

Some members of my Walk-in group on FB have been discussing astrology and how the walk-in manifests in one’s chart. There has been mention of YODs being a significant indicator of a walk-in as well as the planets Neptune, Uranus and Pluto. During my next solar return I just happen to have a YOD in my chart. This in combination with the three planets listed above and the fact that my guidance has already told me to expect major changes during my 40th year has me thinking everything is lining up for a walk-in-type event for me. We’ll see I guess.

Astrological Forecast Notes

Mars: Up until end of June it is in Sagittarius which means a tendency to be “called” by my career and to be more social. It also increases the romantic relationship front. These in combination have the potential to exacerbate family issues and ambivalence. All I can say is God help me until June! lol My first thought was that this will increase the conflict I have with my husband who does not agree with me giving readings or being vocal about my experiences. If I feel I need to then I am sure many arguments will ensue.

Jupiter: Prominent in my chart, which she says is a GOOD thing. Up through August social relationships will be on the rise. I will feel more alive. By Oct this shifts to more focus on the occult, going deep within, being more analytical and intuitive, powerful and sexual. Jupiter tends to make everything bigger, accentuates things.

Saturn: Until August more focus on career. Saturn may cause a tendency to be more melancholy and depressed but if I am willing to work this could be a good time career-wise. Since I tend towards the melancholy I suspect I will be depressed. Plus, I am turning 40 so not sure I will be wanting to celebrate. lol In Nov/Dec there is a high likelihood for arguments especially with men. LOL Delays in relationships and testing of relationships also likely. In February relationships become more balanced and there is stability all around, especially money-wise. Practical love. Is there such a thing? Added bonus is that someone with a lot of Saturn influence like me tends to be more mature and patient. I laughed at the patient part.

Uranus: Not much to say here. For me it has to do with finance and self-esteem. Since I don’t have issues with money then it is likely self-esteem that is the focus for me.

Neptune: The planet Neptune is about creativity, spirituality, and dissolving of reality. It has been in my chart since Feb 2003 and is in the 1st house. It coincides with my first awakening which is no coincidence. It will remain until 2021. At age 40 I hit a developmental cycle which will propel me into public view, increase creativity, exaggerate mood (ugh), and increase psychic and empathic connections. I confirmed that I have already been told that my 40th birthday is significant this year. Looks like another major spiritual upswing is coming.

Pluto: In my chart until 2030 in the 12th house (dreams/unconscious). Pluto is intense, transformative; about purging, releasing, rebirth.. Lots of information comes in dreams. Hard to initiate action. Others come to me. I attract others and circumstances to me. Currently Pluto is in 7th house in my progressed chart which is good – self-learning, healing relationships with men, more sexual. I shared with her how I have witnessed in my life how relationship find me not the other way around. Friends befriend me, not the other way around. Men pursue me. Jobs find me, too. If I have in my mind where I want to work or what kind of job, I find it almost immediately. Few interviews, usually just one or two, and I know before I step foot in the place if it will produce a job. Pretty cool really. Maybe this is why my guides tell me that I am “good at life” and at manifesting?

Asteroid Ceres: Makes me a nurturer, focused mother, protector, very maternal, focused on health and food. This can also cause much grief. hahaha

Solar Return (from 40th birthday this year to 41st next year)

10th and 11th houses rule this year. 10th = career, 11th = social life, groups

She said to me, “This is a public year for you.” Yay? lol

I have a YOD which she says is rare and called the “finger of God” so a very, very good thing to have. I only have it this year, it is not normally in my chart. The 3rd (communication), 5th (love/romance) and 10th (social/public) houses makeup the YOD. At the same time my 11th house (community) is “packed”. She says my social outlets are related to my purpose.

Progression Chart (how my chart progresses over time)

Currently my sun is in Virgo, my moon is in Taurus and my Ascendant is in Aries.

Aries makes me more fiery. Moon in Taurus means I’m more stable and grounded. Aries likely will make me more athletic. She says my 7th house (primary relationships) is “packed” with the focus being on partnerships – teaming up with another.

Jupiter is in Gemini which will likely cause me to have an urge to teach and find reward and self-worth in teaching.

Overall she says my Aquarius ascendant makes me “strange”, but then she is one too so we got a good laugh at this.

She also said that based upon my chart I should be a total extrovert. That I’m a “tuning fork”, I impart wisdom to others, I combine psychology with healing and the occult and I travel. I have a Trine that is the mark of a psychic/intuitive as well.

Overall it sounds like a good year with lots of interesting changes ahead. I am intrigued about the social aspect because right now that is pretty nonexistent. The travel part is also curious to me. I don’t consider myself a traveler, though I traveled quite a bit in my 20’s. So far I have been to: Mexico, Canada, Honduras, the UK, Australia, and New Zealand plus almost every state in the US. Already this year I have a trip planned to Mt. Shasta at the end of this month. My husband wants me to go with him to North Dakota in June. I have yet to decide if I will.

Thus far I already notice the shift towards career-oriented thinking. The public aspect has yet to really show up, but I can see myself shifting in that direction already. I suspect June-July will begin to reveal more.