So a 48 hour reprieve and I woke in tears again this morning. I wanted to write an extremely short post that said, “I can’t take it anymore. Goodbye.”  But then thought it might be taken the wrong way. Can’t have that, right? This agonizing, torturous whatever-it-is that I and others are going through reminds me of scenes from movies where they are torturing people to get them to confess. First they take off each finger nail, then the fingers, then the whole hand. In between the agony they make you feel like it’s going to be okay, it’s over and you can relax but just when you do they come at you smiling and say, “What’s next? How about we strangle you for a while?” lol

For some reason I am reminded of the film, The Railway Man, and the torture scenes from it. Great movie. For me to remember a movie long after I’ve watched it says something about the movie. For it to come to mind in regards to a spiritual process I am going through must mean there is a message in it. I will have to watch it again.

Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. He left for California until the end of the week. Usually when he is gone my spiritual experiences skyrocket. I should have expected the purging to resume but had hoped for an OOB treat or maybe a visit from the heart bliss. So much for hope.

Dream

I awoke at 4:11am in pain. It felt like an IBS flare up and I had to suffer through the pain for a good 30 minutes to an hour. The pain was sharp and shot diagonally from just below my ribs all the way to the base of my spine. When I got up to use the bathroom my entire uterine area was aching just like it did when I was in labor. The pain was about a 5 out of 10, so manageable, but the discomfort was concerning. I realized that I was experiencing mittelschmerz (ovulation pain) and it was likely contributing to the IBS. FYI – neither IBS or ovulation pain is normal for me and definitely not at the same time!

Cursing my luck, I tried to sleep without much success. The pain in itself was bad enough but I was receiving Knowing/messages about the “meeting” while I was suffering through it. I don’t recall the meeting, but apparently a decision had been reached. I can’t recall specifics but I felt discouraged by it. Prior to sleep I had been asked to consider some options and specified my preferences. The decision appeared not to align with my preferences.

Somehow I fell to sleep while laying on my stomach (also unusual). I entered a vivid dream. In it I was walking along a sidewalk and a woman offered me some clothing for sale. At first I did not want it but reconsidered because I could tell she was “special”. I took the clothing and noticed she was holding two quarters in her hand and rubbing them up against each other. Her caretaker came and took her away. It was obvious she was not mentally stable.

Then I was sitting in the passenger seat of a car talking with a man. I can’t recall what he looked like now but he was dropping me off at a house. I remember noticing the clock and it was 7:12am. I told him, “It’s too early. They don’t let anyone in until 7:30.” He said, “That’s too bad. You’ll just have to wait.” He pulled up to the house behind another car. I knew the car belonged to the female home owner. The feeling from the man was that we were in a relationship but he wanted me to go. He was leaving me. I was upset about this but felt there was nothing I could do. So, I didn’t object or question him and got out of the car. As I walked toward the house he drove away.

I walked inside and the house was dark. I heard the woman ask me if I wanted anything to eat. I said I didn’t and walked toward the back of the house to my bedroom. For some reason it felt like I was going to stay there for a while – for the summer.

Inside the room I closed the door and just stood there a while. I was tired of crying, tired of trying, tired of living as if I were dying all the time. Just tired. The empty void that was my heart seemed to take over my entire body. I was like a zombie, going through the motions of living but completely dead to everyone and everything.

The entire time I was in the house a small child was with me. Sometimes the child seemed like a boy and other times like a girl. The child followed me around jabbering happily, oblivious to my plight. I seemed to exist only for this child and it reminds me very much of how I am in with my own children. If it weren’t for them I am not sure I would be alive now. They are often the only reason I get out of bed.

Also while standing there I was aware that others had arrived at the house. They were all staying there for the summer, like a summer camp. The owner and facilitator was my friend, Yvonne, and she was assigning everyone a job. I could see each “child” wearing a number and going about their assigned duties. I remained hidden in my room, though. All I wore was a nightgown, a long T-shirt.

In the room the child was still jabbering away. I saw the sun coming up through the window and realized I had to come out of my room and at least pretend to play my part. I went to the other end of the room where there were clothes hanging on a rack. I began to pick out clothing and selected a white tank top with an orange button down shirt that went over the top. There was too much clothing on my side (the right side) so I took some and put it on the other side where there were tiny clothes hanging. They appeared to be baby or toddler clothing for a little girl.

When I was dressed I looked at myself from outside myself. I wore blue jean capris that were so long that they looked like highwaters and with them I had on tennis shoes. I looked like a total dork. Normally I would fix the issue but in this case I didn’t care.

When I left my bedroom, child jabbering and following me, I entered the living area. It was dimly lit and there were three people present. I asked “Where is everyone?” I heard Yvonne say to me, “They haven’t arrived yet.” There was this young boy, maybe 12 years old, with dark skin, hair and eyes. He was talking excitedly and moving around a lot like he was hyperactive. He came up to me and mentioned the breakup with my boyfriend. Then he said, “(Unknown name) was talking about you. He said your hand smells.” I received an entire image in my mind from the boy. The person he was talking about was sitting in the back of the school bus and pointing to my right hand and laughing. The boy snickered and I looked at him like, Why do I care? I told him, “Okay. Whatever.” But in my mind I was thinking, “What the hell is that suppose to mean?” Then I realized the boy was implying that I used my right hand to masturbate. lol I got a bit disturbed then but let it go. The person who said it was just trying to make light of my situation.

I remember looking past the living room to the kitchen on the other side. I saw Yvonne in the kitchen and on the other side of the counter was a very long, oval, mahogany conference table. I recall it vividly because it was so out of place.

I sat down in the living room and the man who I thought of as Yvonne’s husband began to talk to me. He didn’t look anything like Yvonne’s husband, though. He was a teacher of higher education and had books stacked around him. He asked me some questions. The first was inquiring about school and my upcoming graduation. I told him, “I don’t need to go to school anymore.” In my mind I saw that school was officially over on May 28th but my reaction to this was upset. I was not looking forward to school being over. I had this feeling like I did in high school. You know the fear feeling of, “What do I do now? I have to go out into the world all alone! I’m terrified and don’t know what to expect. Will I even make it?”

He asked me what I was studying and I said, “Psychology.” He smiled and said he liked the subject and motioned to all his college textbooks laying around him. I said, “I didn’t keep any of my textbooks from college. I might have kept the Psychology one, though.” He asked more questions and I remember saying, “I have to tell you, I’m 40 years old. I don’t need to go to college. I already have two degrees. I graduated a long time ago”. Confessing my age seemed to be a relief to me for some reason, like I had been pretending to be a teenager in school and it was exhausting me.  I recall being asked why I was there. I said, “I’m here to help the children.” I got nothing but acceptance from the man. He and his wife told me I was welcome there as a member of their staff and I could use my knowledge and abilities to help the children.

I woke up in tears and continued to cry for a while after waking. The feeling was that I had completed a section of my journey (graduated). I was devastated, though. It felt like everything was gone; like my hands were empty when they once had been so full. I could not get the tears to stop and the pain from earlier was still present. I had stabbing pain shooting through my midsection, a stuffy nose from crying and a feeling that my entire life was over.

Midheaven

As I recovered from my upset I heard distinctly, “Midheaven.” I had no clue what it meant except that it is related to the spiritual.

So what is a spiritual midheaven? Apparently it is an astrological term relating to one’s career and the type of work one will do in their lifetime. I guess I am here to “help the children” as a teacher or counselor or……psychologist? Why does this not make me feel good? Shouldn’t it?

I had to review my astrological chart to find my midheaven. Mine is in Scorpio. Just hearing Scorpio makes me shutter. I immediately think of my Dad who was a double Scorpio. Talk about intense and secretive. It took me most of my life to come to terms with my relationship with him.

This is what I found about midheaven in Scorpio:

The willpower is highly developed in the Soul with this posit. Farsighted, often clairvoyant and prophetic the Soul walks a spiritual path of adeptness. In the mundane chart, this can be the posit of true leadership but the spiritual path dictates that power and all of its human ramifications be used to reform and rehabilitate for Scorpionic power which is Plutonic in nature is projected outward to the world. This Soul recognizes its omnipotence but also knows that in the light of Collective essence it is still in its infancy. The human side of the Scorpio Midheaven knows the value of ambition but the spirit understands the basic truth of the human condition. The human side strives for transition but the spirit strives for transformation. Evolving from the Cardinal Air essence of the Libran high ground of intellectuality, the Fixed Water essence of Scorpio knows that self awareness can only come from plunging into the depths of extreme positives and negatives and facilitating change on all levels. They will transverse the muck and mire of the most hidden parts of the psyche in order to understand first their own consciousness and then the Collective Consciousness in order to transmute the suffering of both themselves and others. When the path of spiritual destiny is not being followed, human tendencies to dictate, manipulate and oppress will result in crisis upon crisis leading to alienation and possible illicit activities. ~Source

If this doesn’t make me shake in my boots, then read what this site has to say about it:

This MC can manifest in various ways: to seek depth from social or work experiences; to be called upon to undergo a personal metamorphosis; to assume a potent, transformative position in society. Those with Scorpio on the Midheaven need to assume an authentic role, one of gravitas to face – and shed light on – some of life’s darker issues and taboos; to be aware of the political play at work; to recognize that Scorpio’s natural dependency on others does not have to be a symbiotic sign of weakness, but is, in fact, indicative of a common bond and commitment. The journey is a challenging one: there are issues of crisis and life and death, creativity and destruction, major (no-)turning (back) points, and rebirths after teetering perilously on the edge of self-annihilation. The calling of a Scorpio MC is self-mastery and to emerge as a shrewd player of the game with an awareness of the power of interdependency.

Yeah, it looks like I had it in for myself when I planned this life. WTF!? How many deaths will I have to go through? And I have no idea what my “authentic” role is nor do I want to go through any more crises of life and death or (no-)turning back points.

I suspect the message in hearing “midheaven” was to alert me to the fact that these cycles are normal for me and to expect more. It may also be a warning of what is to come. That feeling in the dream reminiscent of what a high school graduate feels after graduation is reflective of the next stage of my journey. Taking what I’ve learned and going out into the big-wide world all alone.

The dream seems to be a memory of the “meeting” I had with my Council, thus the council table in the middle of the kitchen. It appears that I am tired of pretending to be someone I’m not and that I am going to get to be myself for once. My job of “helping the children” could be literal, as in my own children and children in general. However, it could also be children as in those who are in this stage of development spiritually – children of Earth. Since my career in this lifetime has been centered on education and counseling of children, it could be that I am to continue with that. I have no desire to go back to that career, though. It makes me very tired to even consider it. So, what then? I have no clue and honestly at this point I don’t care. I am too old for this shit.