It’s been a rough couple of days for me. Still fighting illness, so taking it easy for the most part…well as easy as a mother of three can take it anyway. There has been another shift in energy and this one, being I am sick, is kicking my butt.

First off, the night before last was a rough one. It began the minute I tried to go to sleep. My mind was a mess, but only when I closed my eyes. It was like a hurricane in there. Literally. And with this hurricane of thought came the most crazy anxious feeling. It was all-over my body but my chest area was the source. The main thought was, “I don’t want to go (to the CPR class).” However, I knew this was not the reason for the feeling. I pleaded with my guidance for help. I recall hearing them say it was caused by fear but not fear of the class, fear of what it represented – a step forward into the unknown.

I was able to fall asleep by laying on my stomach. For some reason when I have anxiety from my heart chakra, laying on my stomach helps. Unfortunately, I woke up twice sobbing. The dreams were different but it is hard to put my finger on how. They left me with a strange feeling that followed me throughout the day. I did not have time to process them, though, because I had to leave early for my class.

When I was preparing to go to my class I experienced horrible IBS symptoms – cramping that felt like labor pains that would come and go in waves. The diarrhea was back in full force and I worried it would force me to stay home. Thankfully, it subsided the minute I drove out of the driveway.

When I got to the class I had the wide-open feeling that seems to be my new norm. Thankfully, I was able to stave off any anxiety or panic, but I was well aware of the energy of everyone in the room. Most were tired and half awake, which helped.

When at the hospital where the class was held I saw this sign.

If you look closely at the bottom you will see the word Ascension. It kept popping out at me so I took a picture of this sign not only to document it but because the event looks interesting.

By the time class ended I was feeling fairly good but when I got home I had to take a nap. It was like all my energy had been sucked out of me from being out and about most of the day. Plus, I still had a strange, lingering confusion from the night’s dreams.

That evening my husband was in a strange mood. He was very confrontational and moody. I am becoming unaffected by these mood swings, though. As a Gemini, this is not really anything abnormal, but for him it is. I believe an unbalanced Gemini is more prone to the mood swings and unbalanced is a good descriptor of our relationship right now.

I had no trouble falling asleep last night but again woke up twice sobbing. The episodes are similar to the ones I had in 2017. I think I will call it a purge surge. lol I am able to laugh about it now, but in the moment it really sucks.

Dreams

Rather than go into each dream in detail, I will just summarize a few to give you an idea of what triggers the “purge surge”.

One dream took place in a bathroom. The entire room was covered in tiny lights that went up and down the walls. The lights were going out in certain places, though. I recall taking a shower and when I got out there was a piece of skin stuck to me. Turns out it was scrotum skin and it really grossed me out. lol Then I was resisting something, though I can’t remember what. I refused to leave the bathroom and family kept coming in to try and persuade me to leave. For some reason it felt like the bathroom was in my early childhood home. My SIL came in and said to me that she understood my decision. She was very sympathetic to the point of disgusting me. She said something about how we all have bad times but everyone comes out of them. I explained that I am not like normal people. I am either, “Bad, Badder or Baddest.” This brought me to tears in the dream and it woke me up. I felt completely dark and beyond saving.

In another dream I was in Montana at a drop-off point. I watched people parachute down and land. Then I packed my things and prepared to board a plane to an unknown destination. I was telling the woman I was with that I had visited Kalispell, MT and wished I had taken photographs of the mountains. I could see them in my mind as I told her this. Then I said, “I miss the mountains.” My heart exploded in grief when I said this and I began to plead with her to stay. I said, “I don’t want to go back.” I woke up crying and filled with confusion over the dream.

In yet another bathroom dream I watched women line up to use the bathroom. None of the stalls had doors and everyone in line could see those using the toilet. I became upset at one point because of the situation and confronted a woman who was not waiting her turn like she should. I told her I did not like everyone seeing my business. I touched her on the shoulder as I said this and began to cry. She said to me, as if answering a question, “You are feeling my pain, not your own.” This caused me to wake. I cried long and hard after this one because it felt like the pain of every woman in the world was flowing through me.

There was another incident, but I can’t recall the specifics of it now. It was similar in that I had no idea why I was crying, just that I was overcome with emotion. It can be a scary and confusing experience to feel unable to control the tears and emotion, especially since the emotion seems to have no identifiable source.

Considerations

This morning the IBS-like symptoms continue. This is day 5 I think and the mornings are the worst. My insides feel like they are going to explode and I can easily see the similarity to the emotional outflows I have been experiencing. After over a year of these kinds of emotional purge surges I think my body has had it.

Lately I have been considering doing some pretty out of character things. I don’t do them because there is still fear accompanying these thoughts. I cannot take action when there is fear. However, there is significantly less fear now and the fear lessens every day.

I believe my current environment is the source of my bodily and emotional issues. If I don’t correct the imbalance these issues will continue.

For now, I will continue to focus on my diet as best I can. I bought a yogurt maker and will be making my first batch of home-made yogurt today. This is a pic of the yogurt maker I bought a couple of days ago:

I am continuing to implement the Full GAPS diet to the best of my ability. Yesterday I wasn’t able to follow it fully because of the CPR class but the only misstep was having a roll, so not too bad. Tonight we will be having Cornish game hens roasted in the crock pot all day. 🙂

Unfortunately, the GAPS diet does not seem to be fixing the morning IBS issues. It could be too soon to tell, though. I will give it another five days and then reanalyze.

I take my NASM certification exam on February 3. Once certified I will have another career option if I so choose to use it. Considering how I seem so wide open right now, I am not sure how I will handle going back to work and being around different people’s energies.

I will leave you with the song that was on my mind when I woke up this morning.