Today is my first day of working from home. Yep! So exciting that what I had been asking for is materializing! All I had to do was trust and have patience and here I am, living it! My youngest is not too keen on the idea of being home all day with me, though, not now that he has been staying at my SIL’s house during the day. He really loves going there. Kinda makes me a bit sad, but then I understand. There’s nothing more fun than spending a whole day with your three favorite cousins.

I am enjoying waking up slowly, taking my time to drink my coffee and not having to rush to get ready. Mornings are meant to go slow, in my opinion. Now one rushes the sun, so no one should have to wake up all at once.

Some Updates

Remember when I told you all that I was going to have lunch with my best friend from high school? Well, I did. Yesterday. It was fantastic to see her again. It felt like no time at all had passed, though I haven’t seen her in at least 4 years, maybe more.

She’s a Leo like me and we were like two peas in a pod all through high school. I have known her since 5th grade. Her family was like my second family. Though she was more the typical Leo, meaning she had her group of friends where she was the center of attention. I was the less typical Leo. I prefer one or two close friends. I’m introverted. She brought out the best in me. We just clicked and we helped each other through some rough times.

We ended up sitting in Jason’s Deli for over two hours talking and catching up. By the end I was telling her things I have not told anyone, except maybe in this blog, but even things I don’t talk about in this blog. I found myself near tears for the relief of telling it all. To be able to share without judgment, safe and loved, is the most wonderful thing. And she was always good at that, at listening, at sympathizing, at sharing.

We agreed we should meet up again. We are practically neighbors as it is. She has two boys, one the same age as my middle son. Her oldest has the same condition as my oldest – dysgraphia. Her struggle with her son was very real to me, but hers was much more difficult because she didn’t get the help for her son that she should have early on (not her fault). We laughed at how fitting it was that we would have children who struggled with spelling and school. We were both very smart in school. It came easily to us.

Then there is the re-finance my husband and I have been working on. It was set to close last Thursday. Mercury was still retrograde. And guess what? Yeah, there was a kink. Somehow the amount of cash out we were suppose to get shrunk by $5k. No kidding. WTF right? Then we couldn’t get anyone on the phone to help sort it out. Though $5K is not a lot, we chose a specific amount of money so we could pay down debt. Without that $5K then things are trickier. So we ended up signing with reassurance from the notary that we had three days to decide, to opt out if it was not resolved. I am hoping we can resolve it today, but if we can’t I am not against opting out and throwing the whole damn thing out and starting over. It was dumb to do it during Mercury retrograde anyway, right? lol

In the meanwhile I have Kundalini bliss overload. Still. Not complaining. There is some beautiful dancing going on in my world. The dance of the masculine and feminine; hieros gamos; the sacred marriage. With it there is this gentle, healing energy. I feel it repairing me, stitching up old wounds, making me “all better”. I feel myself opening deeper and deeper to the masculine, accepting and eager for the aliveness the comes with embracing my Whole self.

At the same time I notice the retrograde effect is very prominent. Retrograde – going back, reliving the past, picking up lessons left unfinished. At first I thought it was from a specific time period, but I am understanding this is not the case. The lessons can be from any time, this life or another. With it is a need to confront that which I do not want to see. To open up to my deepest inner desires; that which fuels my creativity and sparks my potential to manifest. When we hold back, when we do not allow ourselves to BE we wound ourselves. Ultimately, we are the most wounded by ourselves, not by others. This is what I find at my core. No blame. No pointing fingers or placing responsibility on another. It is all me. I did it all. And similarly, I can undo it. But it is scary because I have convinced myself that restriction of myself is keeping me – and others I love – safe. Safe is a curious words, a human word. In reality, as Spirit, nothing can harm us. We are infinite. The need for safety comes with mortality. Period.

So, I guess the question is: Can I step out from behind this wall of safety I have built around myself? Can I strip away that illusion so that I can see who I really am behind it all? I am waiting for myself to do this. I’ve been waiting my whole life for it.