The weekend brought a shift in energy for me and along with it a departure from the more calm and balanced state I had been in for the preceding weeks. Saturday, July 20th, was a struggle specifically. I’m not sure what was going on energetically that day, but it manifested in both emotional and physical symptoms for me.

This is what I wrote in my personal blog on the 20th:

I’ve been noticing some under the surface feelings. It is like another me is there and I am picking up on her thoughts and feelings. She is constantly worrying and she is miserable. I try to block her out because listening to her brings the thoughts and feelings to the surface and I begin to take them on. I feel like I need to acknowledge them without becoming them but it is hard to do. The person feeling and thinking these things is completely done with life. Is she me? Am I suppressing her to the point that it is creating this overflow? Or is this something else?

The other day I felt like I was overstimulated by my environment. Everything was too much. It only lasted about 10 minutes but the feeling was that I needed to be somewhere without any electronics or cars or busy-ness. The overwhelm from this resulted in physical symptoms that are hard to describe. It is like I want to get out of my own skin. Like my own body and senses are all wrong.

At work I was feeling the overwhelm the other day. I tried to distract myself from the feeling. I ate my lunch and felt at any moment I would leave my body/pass out. I felt ill inside a little. There was a feeling that was all wrong. I don’t know if it was physical or spiritual or both. It passed but it worried me.

The panic inside is ridiculous. I have thoughts that I will die at any time. I have thoughts that bad things will happen. I feel unsafe. I feel completely vulnerable, exposed and alone.

The specific experiences on the 20th were tough to ride out because my daughter had a friend over and I had agreed to drive 30 minutes to pick her up. Despite scheduling the trip early enough to miss rush hour traffic I still encountered heavy traffic. It took all I could muster to stay calm and focused on the drive. Thoughts kept coming up that seemed to be from another me and I had to work very hard to avoid becoming the effect of them. The thoughts varied and I can’t recall the specifics of them now but they were riddled with anxiety and apathy.

Throughout the day and into the night the thoughts and feelings continued to surface. Tears were unavoidable but I was able to silently suffer through it for the sake of my daughter and her friend. I was more quiet that day than usual, very subdued compared to how I normally am.

Looking back I am surprised I held it together so well because on the inside I was really struggling. There were brief periods of time when I would be hit with this intense desire to die that kept me on alert because of how strong the desire was to immediately find a way, any way, to end my life. The feeling was just shy of impulsive and internally I held on with both hands to avoid losing myself to it. The feeling was so real. My stomach sank to my knees and I began to wonder if I needed immediate psychological assistance. I remember thinking, “This must be what people with Major Depressive Disorder go through, only for much longer periods. I hope that isn’t me. If this continues I will have to get help.” This thought came with fear and a certainty that a part of me had a serious death wish.

Then there was the disassociation with my life that would come and go. I saw this life I am living as not my own and the life I should be living was just within reach only I could not get there. At the time I rationalized it as a my response to memory – memory that far exceeds this lifetime. I remember thinking, “This must be why we forget our past lives when we enter a new one.” If I identify very strongly with a past life (or lifetimes) and remember it in my current life then the very feelings I was having would result, especially if it happens to be with someone I have strong soul ties to.

It seemed that I was struggling with two very real versions of myself the entire day. The emotions were raw and hard to experience, but I somehow made it though. It left me wishing that I could turn back time and undo all that this spiritual path has brought me. The Knowing, the Remembering, the soul connections, the Kundalini – all of it has obviously taken its toll.

That night I somehow managed to sleep, but it took a while because my daughter and her friend were up well past midnight. I had a dream which I wrote in my personal journal:

Dream: Picking Cherries

The dream began with me driving my children to a house in the country. It was still dark outside and I could see the road by the light of the moon. Everything where we were going had gone through a freeze (some emotion has been frozen) so there was frost on the grass and everything.

We arrived at a house and the kids went wild running about. They went in the back yard and found a bush or tree and picked what looked like two strawberries and a handful of cherries without stems. They called the fruit something else and I immediately realized we had come way too early to the house and would likely wake the woman who lived there and took care of the kids. I began to try and quietly get them all together to leave but as I was walking toward the back door, which was wide open (door to subconscious is open), the lady of the house woke.

She told me it was okay if we stayed but to only stay the amount of time we usually do and that I would pay as usual, too.

There was discussion about the fruit. She told me they were cherries (pleasure or challenges that give me mixed feelings) and they ripened early. There was another tree nearby covered in fruit and she came with some branches to try and hide it from the kids. She did not want all of it eaten.

The dream got odd then because I recall a man arriving that I was to marry. I think I was also a man so we were two men but then I felt like a woman so it is confusing. As we went to the front of the house near a window I remember saying that I needed to delay saying “yes” and he agreed. So, we didn’t marry then but were engaged. Then he began acting odd, jumping around and being overly excited. In the dream it was like he was doing gymnastics (trying to deal with conflicting problem). I remember saying to the old woman, “Typical man” or something like that.

There is a fuzzy memory of seeing a handprint (union) outlined on the frost on a window. It was the man’s print and I placed my smaller hand inside. It felt significant.

Message

When I woke I was feeling sad and thinking of how I felt before bed. I asked if I was going to go through another Ego death or if there would be another walk-in. It felt likely but it didn’t make me feel any better about the death wish that seemed to arise out a certain soul connection. A guide said to me, “Maybe it (the emotion/memory) is yours and it needs to be felt” or similar wording. The considerations of jumping back into the decimated feeling is not an idea I enjoy.

The song Hello was going through my mind – “I wonder where you are, and I wonder what you do. Are you somewhere feeling lonely? Or is someone loving you?”

The last thing I remember is seeing a large meatball which represents recognition, straightforwardness and solace.

The next day (Sunday) I felt a bit better despite feeling a strong sense of conclusion or endings as I woke. There are times when things get really confusing on this journey and I want desperately to just erase everything that occurred before and start anew. This was one of those times. I had even decided to write a blog post called, “The End” because of how I felt when I woke, but as the day progressed the feeling subsided.

Toward the evening hour I finally felt the reassuring energy of my guidance. It came through as if being hugged and reassured. My entire body relaxes and I feel immediate relief. There is so much tension – mental, emotional and physical – I hold and to feel it release, even if just for a moment, is wonderful. The message that came through as always was that I do not have to be that way (tense and always on alert).

At night I couldn’t sleep because both my ears were ringing especially loudly and the sound was keeping me awake. I normally wear earplugs and so I removed them but the sound did not go away. It was as if I had just attended a live concert and exposed my ears to very high decibels resulting in a persistent ringing as my ears adjusted. As the hour grew later and later without the sound letting up I began to worry that sound would never stop. I fell asleep somehow and when I woke the sound was gone but now both my ears feel weird. They don’t hurt but feel odd.

The ear ringing continues to bother me and I researched it this morning to try and make sense of it. I was led to a condition called Meniere’s Disease. It turns out that many of the symptoms are similar to what I have been experiencing for some time – fluctuations in hearing, ear ringing (on and off), anxiety, nausea and heart speed-up’s among a few.  I have an uncle on my dad’s side of the family who has hearing loss in one ear. I have not asked him yet what the cause was/is. If I continue to have long episodes of ear ringing I may ask him but it could just be some freak ascension symptom for all I know.

Today I am feeling okay despite the crazy weekend. I don’t necessarily fear the return of the “death wish” thoughts and feelings but they are worrisome for the intensity of the impulse to do something irrational that accompanies them. I don’t like feeling on the verge of breaking – mentally or otherwise. A pill to make it all go away sounds really nice but then I know those solutions are only temporary. With my husband out of state once again, I am pretty much on my own right now so hopefully there will not be more incidences anytime soon.