Since I’ve been back from Costa Rica, my dreams have been really vivid and somewhat odd! I often wake up with a realization or an understanding about some aspect of life. I have been warned now, several times, of upcoming changes. Some mornings I wake up in tears, other mornings I was up in ecstasy. lol I prefer the latter, of course, but, like you will see below, you can’t have the good without the bad. 😉

Below are some of those dreams.

July 25th – Dream: Embrace the Darkness

I was with a group and we were exploring an old resort that had been abandoned for a long time. It was still daylight when we went in. I saw a space that looked really new with large, leather sofa chairs and tables. I commented on how new they looked and wondered why they hadn’t sold them. I saw old phones and knew it had been a call center. Then we looked around and it started to get darker. We got separated and I was with this one guy. My flashlight on my phone wouldn’t work and settings kept coming up where I could select a weapon – knife, sword, etc. I began to get worried and at one point was all alone in a dark space. I worried it was haunted but nothing happened to confirm that. I remember seeing an old bathroom and walking down long halls. I knew to get out I had to go back the way I had come. I had to use the screen of my phone to light the way a few times but it was not near enough light. I remember thinking that the space was not unlike my dark bedroom and that all I had to do was close my eyes and go to sleep. There was nothing to be afraid of.

What is funny is that after I awoke and got out my phone, I accidentally turned on the flashlight! Hahaha!

I think the meaning of the last dream is that we need to get comfortable with the darkness. If we calmly walk through it we will find that the darkness is not scary at all and can be quite comforting. Eventually, if we are patient, we will find the Light. 

Ride the Wave, Enjoy the Ride

Recently, a FB ad kept coming up. After about the fifth time I paid attention and took a screenshot for proof. The reason it was so meaningful is because my sister’s name was in it. It is her name with the word “health” after it. Firstly, her name is rare. I’ve never met anyone with her name. Second, her name means “Goddess of truth”. Third, the word “health” does not describe her. If anything, her life has been the opposite. 

I sent the website to my mom and said, “Message or oxymoron?”

Later in the day, I spoke to my husband about my sister and her addictive tendencies. She works very hard to convince others she happy and without problems when on social media and even in person. I mentioned that she is afraid of her own darkness and so runs from it straight into anything which numbs her pain or hides the truth. I told him that we are not all that different from her, we just choose to distract ourselves in other, less harmful ways. 

Then last night I was finishing up watching a Netflix series called The Gift. The last episode reminded me of my dream. The show reminds us that life is a “gift”. The good and even the bad are to be relished. You cannot have one without the other. When I listened to the ending monologue I couldn’t help but think of the 8 Winds of Buddhism and how it applied. 

This morning, a dear friend of mine wrote about addiction and how so many of us are addicted, just not always to those things most stigmatized by society like drugs and alcohol. Addiction is our method of avoidance. Avoidance of pain, of uncomfortable truths, of life, etc. I realized what she wrote tied into everything above. This is part of what she wrote:

“What is your relationship to pain? Reflect on this….a lot. Learn to become aware of the pain, to stay present with it, to even be kind to it. Learn to breathe with it and give it space rather than allowing it to hold court. Stop believing that you shouldn’t have to feel it, or something is wrong with you or your life if it’s there. These are the fundamentals of self-compassion. If we don’t learn to consciously embrace our pain we will continue to self-medicate and dissociate from it, each other, and ourselves.”

So, it seems to me that my dream about the darkness was connected to the other incidents and realizations. I recognized this and understood that I need to confront some aspects of my own darkness. But what?

Dream: Just a Job

I remember being with a group of women. We were in a small space together getting ready – putting on makeup and making ourselves look beautiful. It didn’t take me long to recognize what we were preparing for. A knock came at the door and one woman was called forward and left with a man. I backed up, not really interested in working. I recognized that I was a call girl and knew I would be paid $65 for a half hour. 

I had all kinds of thoughts about my job. I remember knowing I enjoyed my work but then also that it was just “work”. I remember thinking it “fun” and being very interested in sexual acts of all kinds. I remember seeing two men together and being told to listen for a “pop” when they kissed (never heard it, not sure what it meant). I remember seeing a woman climb up on this inversion table-looking device where she laid out naked while another woman came from below. I saw all kinds of various sexual acts, some that would be considered taboo even, but I never once flinched. 

Then I was back in the room looking at a large palette of makeup. A woman was with me showing me some special lipsticks and bragging about selling them. It all reminded me of selling Mary Kay makeup and I was just not interested. In fact, I felt disinterested in pretty much everything in life. I just felt flat; neutral. I remember thinking that at least sex was fun. lol

When I woke I was a bit curious about the dream. It felt like it was an exploration of my past linked with some of my considerations in the present. It may explain why I don’t connect sex with love. Why I am so matter-of-fact when it comes to sex. I do recall past lives when I was a prostitute and it is likely I have been one in many more lives than I recall. The feeling of disinterest was strong and similar to how I feel presently. Perhaps this is part of my darkness? 

Regardless, the message seems to be that you can’t have the good without the bad. Ride the wave and enjoy the ride. 

July 26 – Night-Long Dream: Columbus Day

I was with a group in a forest. We were on a mission looking for someone(s). The most vivid part is when we went onto the lake (emotion). It was dark (unknown, hidden) and the water was solid but pliable. I was told that during the winter it would solidify only there was no ice, just darkness, almost like we were walking on the solar system in that it had a glittery appearance under the moonlight. At one point, though, a wave (unexpected event) came up and pushed me hard, throwing me a distance. Instead of landing on the surface, I fell down into the depths (forced into the unknown depths). Surprised that the water had opened up and swallowed me like that, I swam to the surface. As I swam, I saw a man’s foot and brushed his toes (togetherness). They were warm to the touch and I thought, “He’s still alive.” I told the people on top of the lake when I returned to them but we did not go get the man.

We then continued our search and came upon my mom’s house where somehow I ended up with some fajita meat and tortillas. I took them to a school to give them to a teacher there. When I gave them to her she laughed and asked if someone couldn’t wait and I noticed that several had been eaten. I confessed to eating one and seeing two others eat some also. She said she had hoped to feed 50 people but said it was not a problem because she had ordered a large turkey dinner. She place a huge turkey (fear) on a tray on the counter and showed me. Then, she gave me keys (access to something) and instructions on how to take the fajitas to her office. I went along a maze of hallways and came to a glass enclosed office with a counter out front. I saw the door and went around the side and was let into the office by a student. I didn’t even need to use the keys.

I realized the teacher was not a teacher anymore but some kind of supervisor to other teachers. She organized gatherings and didn’t actually teach classes. The two teachers under her both had PhD’s. I thought that I would never get a PhD in education because it made no sense to me. It felt like someone was asking me questions about my choices here, thus my thoughts.

The dream shifted to me sitting in some chairs in the school entrance. A small blonde girl had been with me and had been taken away. I sat down by a man and the girl was returned. Her hair had been dyed a dark brown. She hid under a large tray which I removed and put in a wagon I had with me. I then began to go over papers with lists of names as I sorted through clothing that was both mine and the man’s. I remember seeing names and explaining the names were of students in the alternative school where I use to teach. I mentioned how many had not made it to the next level and were repeats.

The man sitting next to me helped me sort the clothing as I read through the list. I was sorting out the clean from the dirty. I remember being a bit embarrassed at my underwear (private self) being there but he paid no attention to it. He was very quiet and accepting of me. I did see some of his clothing in the mix, but can’t recall what type. He was telling about himself, specifically that his birthday was in three days. I saw a calendar and Columbus Day. Yet for some reason I called him a Taurus so I was convinced the day was at the end of April. Someone asked, a guide I think, if this man was acceptable to me. I said, “Yes. He seems nice.” I liked how he was quiet and observant. His energy was very calm.

Then the dream shifted and I was standing near what resembled a crypt in an ancient temple. I looked below and saw two graves that were dug out and very deep. In adjacent rooms were more holes without bodies. I wanted to go down and looked toward a man who was sitting next to another man. I don’t know which man was the person I looked to but one said, “We want to be alone.” The feeling was they didn’t want me there. I took no offense and went exploring.

I walked around in what felt like a temple space that was very ornately painted with high ceilings. It felt like a place in Turkey maybe or it could’ve been Hindu. I came to a vendor who had tapestries and woven textiles. I looked through some of the smaller textiles, picked one up and noticed the patterns moved. I smiled as I realized I could control the movement and saw a bird taking flight. A man and woman approached, fascinated and the man asked me what I did for a living. I told him I used my imagination to make things better, that I do this in my dreams in order to make the world a better place. I showed him how and he was intrigued. He wanted to learn and grabbed a textile and I showed him. The image was of a person sitting in a garden. I made the bees buzz and move around the person. He tried and created moving images on his own textile.

Excited, the man took a tapestry and draped it around himself and walked away saying he was going to use his new ability to help him get the job he wanted. I watched him walk away, the tapestry forming to his body and hanging down like a white robe. I was pleased.

Considerations

When I woke I recalled two things specifically: the solid, dark water and Columbus Day. I knew the dark water was symbolic of the depths of my subconscious. I am thrown down into it (possibly the collision I’ve been warned about) and not afraid. I see a man’s foot and brush his toes (togetherness, the small details, more to be known). He is just floating there. I suspect this indicates a karmic relationship or maybe that I am aware of this man at some level. He is in my “depths”, below the surface, alive and waiting there.

The Columbus Day date was on my mind and I woke thinking, “Columbus Day is in October. It is not in April or May (Taurus).” I looked it up and sure enough it is in October. I was told a while ago now that I would meet someone in October. I wonder if this information is to indicate when? Is the man a Taurus? Or is his birthday really on Columbus Day? The laundry being sorted indicates that he and I share something intimate. The saying “airing my dirty laundry” comes to mind. This means “personal or private affairs that could cause distress or embarrassment if exposed.” Perhaps the man and I talk about personal things together? He felt like someone who does not judge, which may be why I am comfortable with him. He sat there calmly observing, which I liked.

The last dream also stayed with me, specifically my explanation about what I am here in this life to do. I create via my imagination and dreams, making things better here on Earth. I seek to make things more beautiful and images of nature appear in the fabric.

The empty graves in the crypt is interesting. They are far below me and very deep. I want to go explore but the man tells me to go away. An empty grave can mean resurrection or it can mean preparation for death. I remember thinking the empty graves odd and I was curious. Where were the bodies? So, it likely means resurrection.

July 31st – Dream: Free

The setting was reminiscent of a post-apocalyptic scene. I was a child in a large, nearly empty warehouse with other children. I recall being sent to bed and having to follow strict rules. I struggled to sleep and was sneaking around with other kids. I remember being strictly forbidden to have any relations with boys but I snuck around trying to do this without much success. There was fear but I’m not sure what of. I also recall being shown how I was born, which was not natural. Me and my siblings were born via a large, shallow pool with pods in it connected by a metal grid with tubes coming out. Natural birth no longer existed.

Then I was on a trip down a road being shown the state of the world. It was desolate and gray with lots of construction going on and large trains hauling materials and cleaning up debris. I saw statues of horses, hundreds of them, being piled into a train car by a crane which was pulling them out of a large, metal container. This visual was extremely oversized, as if it was meant to make an impact. On the other side of the road I saw a statue of a small deer and a man. I questioned what happened to all the animals. A man said they were all dead and all that was left was what I was seeing. I wondered if someone had turned all the animals into stone.

Then I was in an encampment. I overheard plans to bomb the neighbors who were called “The U.S.” The reason for the bombing was stated as a need to keep the country (or it’s influence) from getting bigger and becoming a threat. The thing is, the U.S. was not a threat. It was just a peaceful camp, not big enough to do any harm to anyone. I feared for them and wanted to warn them.

I snuck out and ran toward the U.S. side. I could see men sneaking around putting bombs in select places. Fearing the worst, I began to scream, “There are bombs! You need to get out!” There was this loud noise that drowned out my calls. It was coming from a large body of water where people were working. The workers were out in the water. I kept running toward them, screaming so much that my voice cracked and became hoarse. I ran until they could see me and finally they heard me and they began to run out of the water towards safety. I saw a horse startle and run away and also a rabbit. I thought, “They still have horses and rabbits here!” I was amazed. I swear I heard a voice answer, “Yes, they do.” The bombs began to go off all around, but the people escaped.

I was running to hide and found this bubbling stream or brook that went deep into the ground. I knew the path and jumped in, letting its waters take me down into darkness. I grabbed onto a root during part of the journey and then dropped into the abyss. It took me to the other side and I stepped out, hiding as I peeked out at the space. It was another workspace, like a warehouse with cranes and people wearing welding helmets. Someone saw me and I withdrew. Then a whole group of guys recognized me. They knew I had helped them.  

Then I was in my mom’s house. It was dark and I was with some others. I again felt to be sneaking around and doing what I should not. There was this large, black man who I recognized. I went up to him and he embraced me. I felt an amazing attraction to him. I also knew he was gay yet I didn’t care. It felt that life had restricted us so much that we wanted only to be free. The expression of this came as desire and when we embraced I felt as if I had been “released” and “set free” and I surrendered completely to the man. I wanted nothing more than to release all control to him and when I did this it was such a relief that all the pent up, suppressed life force within me was expressed as intended. It felt as if I was meant to be this way and I had no shame. And when I thought, “He is gay”, I didn’t care and knew it didn’t matter. I did not hold back. I was not afraid.

When I awoke my second chakra was aching and I realized that all I want is to be “free”. I feel that something deep within me wants only to fully surrender, to hand all control to another with full trust that he will protect and cherish me. A part of me is exhausted from life, from trying to control things, people and situations. All I want to do is flow with life, to feel fully and express what I feel without restrictions and rules. 

I was asked to look/feel into the feelings I was having and saw many occasions of men taking what was not theirs to take, misusing their power and creating fear where there should be none; times when I’ve surrendered fully only to have someone abuse the control I’ve handed them, taking with brute force what should be handled with care. I recognized that I purposefully withdraw and keep up my guard. I realized all I need to do to open up again is to trust and that is so very hard to do. Even the smallest sense of deceit from the other and I shut down, tight as a clamshell. I heard an encouraging voice say, “Trust……let it happen.” And there the message is again: Let it happen, let it happen. It’s gonna feel so good. 🙂