How are you all doing? Yesterday was a whammy, eh? I woke up really, really unhappy and grumpy yesterday. I just felt fed up and wanted OUT. I wrote a whole journal post, specifically asking why I couldn’t wake up excited about life. It is so rare for me to wake up and want to be here. In fact, if someone asked me my favorite time of day I would say, “None. It’s the night I look forward to – sleep.”

I think something shifted over night, though, and the energy is slightly lighter, though still heavy and thick compared to “normal” (what is that? lol). I slept really well and feel much more positive today.

My dreams from last night are mostly muddled in my memory but pieces remain and I woke with insight into reincarnation and how we prepare for life in these physical bodies.

What is most vivid is that I suddenly realized within the dream that I had died and was between lives. It was a lucid thought and though I didn’t take control of the dream, the dream became much more memorable afterward.

Dream: I’m Dead

I was walking with a friend, one of my early best friends in this lifetime. We had met up in the afterlife and were talking, catching up and discussing life trajectories, feeling accomplished and congratulating each other. For some reason, I paused.  A weird sense of loss and overwhelm descended upon me. With this I realized and said aloud to myself, “I am dead.”

A sudden influx of Knowing hit me. It was all at once – a flood of images, conversations, decisions, interactions, emotions and awareness. All of it was hard to swallow initially and I felt empty and lost inside, as if I had been an amnesiac with memory suddenly fully restored. I thought to myself, “I need to be alone. I am going to take a walk.” In my mind, I saw a vast and beautiful landscape. Tall, green grass swayed gently in the breeze. Beyond the rolling hills of grass were majestic mountains. The sky was blue with dots of clouds. The feeling was peaceful and serene.

As soon as I began to go on this walk, I was joined by another (a guide I think) who took my hand. I was instantly diverted to a room instead of the field I had longed to walk through. The room reminded me of a science lab in a high school. I was led to the door of an office. There was a viewing window between the office and much larger lab. The key was in the door. I turned the key, unlocked the door, opened it and went inside. I took the key out of the door when I realized the key should not be left in the door. I remember telling my guide, “They shouldn’t leave the key in the door.” At the time I said this, “they” felt like the “other teachers” and the room I was entering felt like the “teacher’s lounge”. I remember holding the key in my hand. It was pretty big, the size of my palm, and silver.

I remember saying to this guide matter-of-factly, “I’m dead then,” and the response and Knowing was that what I had just lived was but one of many trajectories in a particular lifetime/timeline. I knew instantly that I would live each of those trajectories until I had learned what that lifetime/timeline had to teach me. My friend reminded me that I didn’t have to return as the same person but I could be any one of the characters of my life that I chose. He also reminded me that I could take as long as I wanted before returning. It was all up to me. No one was going to force me or pressure me to return before I was ready.

Contemplating all of this and recognizing it to be true (I had done it and remembered doing it) I told him, “I know but I like to return as the same one (me).” The feeling with the thought was that it was a strategy I used. I exhausted all potential outcomes before I shifted personas/characters. 

It became very real to me that each lifetime, each decision and resulting timeline, was rehearsed and prepared for. There were few unexpected outcomes because each path was traveled repeatedly, each interaction and subsequent reaction drilled. I asked how frequently I surprised myself and was told, “It happens sometimes.” 

I remember being interrupted by a short, bald man in a lab coat. He had beady eyes that peered out at me through round spectacles. He reached his hand toward my own and gently took the key from it then hurried away. I was standing in the classroom at this time and don’t remember exiting the office. I sensed from him that I should’ve left the key in the office door so that others might enter. 

I awoke not long after the key was taken. 

Considerations

When I awoke I was in awe of my dream, Knowing that what I had witnessed was truth. With this realization I understood there was no avoiding this lifetime nor the countless others I would “live”. Each scenario would play out, has played out, will play out. There is no avoiding any of them. And each player in the production is experienced via their individual lens, which was also my own. Every single player/actor/actress, their multiple roles, decisions, reactions, emotions, available to me, an open book of insight and revelation. 

It is no wonder I felt like “taking a walk” and being alone when I Remembered. The most overwhelming Knowing was that all of the practiced scenarios occur at once (there is no time) and my dreams are but glimpses into them.

What is most peculiar is the feeling that who I am in this present life/scenario is very particular to this specific trajectory. The reactions, feelings, emotions – everything – that comprises me, unique and perfect down to my insecurities, fears and frailties. There are no mistakes. Everything is as it should be.

For the me in this body and life, all of the above is hard to swallow. Regardless of this Knowing, all that I experience is very real and solid, my perspective clear and tunnel-like, my visual field narrowed to only that which lies ahead. With memory of Knowing all perspectives, it creates a feeling of intense isolation and aloneness via this individualized perspective. It is no wonder I wish so badly to exit this life. I feel cut-off from myself and others, squished into this tiny body and mind, extremely limited. 

While I sit with all of this Knowing and Memory, I am reminded of what I was told by my guide about it being my decision. I choose when to return. No one will pressure me. It is all up to me.

I wonder, “How did this life go when I practiced for it? Or, am I practicing it now?”