Busy night of dreamwork.

Kundalini Dream

I met up with a man at his home in California, a home he shared with some others. We were in his bedroom most of the time. I felt very close to this man but didn’t seem to know him well. The backstory was that everything had happened very fast, like we were both got caught up in the energy of our connection. 

What I most recall is how I felt when around him. There was the obvious sexual connection but there was also something else, a subtle sensuality and desire just to be close to him. When we moved closer together, I no longer felt separate from him. It was a very comforting and safe feeling, and as a result I had little resistance. 

Though I can’t recall his face, I do remember aspects of him. For example, he had this tattoo covering his upper back and shoulders. It looked like waves or fish scales outlined in black with red, blue and white coloring. I remember tracing it with my fingers and thinking it beautiful. I also remember noticing he had in an ear piece like he was hard of hearing. When he stood up bare chested, I could see he was very thin, carrying hardly any fat on his body. He wore blue jeans with a black belt and had his hands on his hips and a big grin on his face. I believe his hair was black or dark brown. It was messy and there was a lot of it.

When we embraced I was overcome with all sorts of feelings and emotions. I do believe we kissed, but there is little memory of the specifics of our embrace except the overwhelming feelings. I was so overcome that I blurted out that I loved him. This is uncharacteristic of me but I couldn’t help myself and neither could he. At one point I pulled away and said to him, “I can’t. It’s just too intense.” He was understanding and gave me my space. 

We sat on the bed and talked some about where our relationship was going. The overwhelming feelings I had stirred within me a strong desire to have a child with this man. I mentioned this to him and he was pleased. My mind freaked out, though, as I did the math and saw how old I would be when the child grew up. I said to him that it was not a good idea because I would be close to 70yrs old when the child was grown. Yet the desire to create new life was exponentially strong and I decided I didn’t care how old I would be.

This is when I noticed there was a massive window on the side of the room that overlooked a rectangular hot tub occupied by some young people. A little girl was trying to spy on us but the window was frosted with only a tiny edge around the window to see through. I pointed her out to the man and laughed at the sight of her saying, “She’s trying to see us but she can’t.” 

At one point we went outside of the house to gather my things from the car. This is when I finally saw the house from the outside. It looked like a nice, newer suburban home with terra cotta tiles on the roof. I remember my dog was with me and I scooped him up in my arms to take inside. The man had already gone in and so I followed but worried because I couldn’t remember where his bedroom was in the house. 

Inside I encountered his roommates. Still holding my dog, I introduced myself and a woman, who was standing in the kitchen, welcomed me. I asked if it was okay if I let my dog inside, stating that he was house trained. She said it was no problem, so I set him down. Another smaller dog barked from a nearby bedroom. I looked inside and saw a child sitting on a bed watching TV. Then a larger dog came in to sniff mine. My dog growled and hid between my legs. 

I don’t recall what happened next because my mind was a whirl of thought and considerations about the place I was and how I had gotten there. I remember thinking that the man was far too old for me and memory of what could only be a hearing aid came to mind. This caused me to wonder, “Am I old, too?” I was concerned about my lack of logic in decision making. I would never up and leave my life and move far away for a man, would I? What is wrong with me?! I was certain that, over time, the feelings I had for the man would die out. I saw that pattern in all my relationships and felt no matter what I did the connection would not last and eventually I would find myself stuck, miserable and eventually hurting him.

There was also this entire scenario that played out in a visual of this man with a woman I did not know. She was older, blonde (or gray) shoulder length hair, with wide hips that held a bit too much weight. She was very critical of the man, pointing out his faults, specifically the tattoo on his back. He, on the other hand, looked at her stretch marks and discolored skin, tracing his fingers over them lovingly and referring to them as “her map”. Watching the two interact, I immediately felt like I was similar to this woman, definitely not worthy of his love.

I was beside myself with self-destructive thoughts, specifically that I ruin relationships with my tendency to pick out all the bad and unattractive things about my partners. I turn beautiful things into rubbish.

While having these thoughts I still had all the intensely real feelings and emotions for the man. It was a gut wrenching, internal tug-o-war that woke me from the dream. 

In-Between Discussion

While the tug-o-war raged within me I was talking to a guide. I recognized that I was being shown two things. First, my overwhelm at the intensity of feelings rushing through me and the desire to surrender completely to them. Second, my mental rationalization of what I was feeling and how it sabotaged that surrender. There is a sense that feelings like that are destructive and will only lead to pain but at the same time all I want is to be overwhelmed and remain in a state of complete surrender forever. The latter part is so alien to me that I panic, well my mind does, and it becomes frantic because it cannot control what cannot be understood. My human side is in a panic, resisting that which is unknown because it is scary and unpredictable.

Yet, in the dream, my partner was totally understanding and accepting of my need for time. He gave me space and we talked about the potential of our partnership, which, oddly enough, was to create new life. I think, though, that it was more about beginnings that babies. That is how it felt in the dream. It was ripe with potential and possibility. The feeling was very attractive to me. So was the sense that I would not be alone in this new life. I would be safe, loved and cherished and no longer have to hide behind walls of protection.

My guide was asking me to look and decide what I wanted from this dream scenario. I, of course, was still caught up in the feeling and so kept saying that is what I wanted – to feel like that, to feel safe like that.

Dream #2

It took me a while to return to sleep. When I did, I found myself in a small gym. A song was playing through my mind, one I haven’t heard in a long while. I was putting weight plates on a small barbell after hearing someone (me?) say that it was okay to lift a little more weight. The voice suggested 45lbs. I was putting the weights on, one 10lb plate, then another, when I saw a small baby in diapers crawl over to a dumbbell on the floor, attempt to pick it up and smash their nose. Concerned, I went to check and the baby was okay. I offered her a 2.5lb weight telling her, “Try this instead.” She happily picked it up and smiled.

The song chorus was playing through my head very loudly as if someone turned up the volume. I could see my husband in my peripheral vision as I sat down on the weight bench to begin my workout. He tried to grab the barbell but I wouldn’t let him. He seemed to be there and then vanish only to flicker back into my visual field occasionally. 

The song chorus played on repeat: “This could be the end of everything, so why don’t we go somewhere only we know….”

I woke up and knew the dream indicated I had “work” (lifting weight) to do. 

Considerations

Symbolically, California means that I am carefully exploring my subconscious because I am nervous or apprehensive about something. The bedroom represents a private, safe space. The man inside is likely a guide and representation of the masculine. The tattoo of the scales is symbolic of the Kundalini. The hearing aid could be that this masculine energy was attempting to hear me better. The desire to create new life was an attraction to new beginnings; starting over; possibilities. The girl trying to see inside may represent my inner child or lower self who is not fully able to see what is happening. Her vision is obscured. The shift to me carrying my dog inside is likely indicating that I am wanting protection and to be more rational/logical. The vision of the older woman might be symbolic of who I do not want to be or fear I will become.

The weight room dream is very likely about doing “the work” to resolve and come to terms with the issues brought forth in the previous dream. The baby in the dream is again potential for new life/beginnings. The baby is also carrying weight, though much less.