My emotions lately are either non-existent or full-on. Some days I feel so numb I wonder if something is wrong with me. Other days I break down in tears or wake up crying from emotional dreams. Numbness is more familiar to me and so easier to manage, except lately it has been really noticeable to the point that I’ve wondered what is going on.

My best guess is that I’m doing work at deeper levels, hidden from my waking awareness except in moments when it bubbles up. 

My dreams are giving me a glimpse of what’s going on but it is fleeting. 

Dream: Buried Puppy

For example, this morning I woke from a dream in tears with full knowledge of what I was being shown. In the dream I was talking to two very small puppies, no more than a few weeks old. One was upset because he hadn’t been able to make things right with his father. His father was my uncle. I promised the puppy that I would help him as best I could so I took the puppy to my uncle and asked him to listen and let bygones be bygones. My uncle took the puppy, turned around grumbling something, and walked away. I followed, worried by my uncle’s reaction. To my horror, my uncle quickly dug a hole in rocky soil, placed the puppy inside and covered it with rock and soil. I rushed to the aid of the puppy who was calling out from the hole apologetically. I frantically removed the soil trying to get to the puppy asking my uncle, “Why did you do that!?” I could feel both the emotion of the puppy and the emotion of my uncle. Both were equally upsetting.

When I woke I was sobbing, overcome with the emotion of the two individuals in my dream. It was clear to me that both my uncle and the puppy (my cousin) had similar emotions. They were hurt and angry. My uncle was so hurt by his son that he had blocked all emotion to the point that his heart had hardened. My cousin was so hurt by his father’s rejection of him that he had become similarly hardened. Underneath I could feel the source – mounds of grief at the loss of someone very loved. 

Feeling what they felt, I understood. It was so clear to me that had they just communicated honestly with one another, so much hurt could’ve been avoided. Instead, they both acted out, conditioned in life to reject certain emotion as a weakness (crying and being vulnerable, specifically).

I remembered how my mom reacted to her own emotion in similar ways. As did my grandfather. My mom would get horribly irritable, saying mean things and avoiding eye contact. One day I saw her hurt through her anger and hugged her. She cried as I hugged her, saying, “Why are you hugging me!? You’re making me cry!” She has often told me that she hates crying because of how it makes her feel, look and act (unable to talk, red nose and face, snot, etc). My grandfather would just pull away. Once he was closer to death he began to let the emotion through.

As my uncle gets older I see his emotional side, too. He still has not let go of the pain of his relationship with his son, though. He wears it like a badge and uses it as justification of his actions. In the dream he buries his son, which I think is symbolic of his beliefs that his son is a lost cause and dead to him. 

Dream: Communications Class 

After the above dream I returned to sleep and entered a dream where I was sitting in a classroom with my mom. It was a communications class and my mom had come to class with me out of curiosity. I remember telling her I skipped class often and had not been keeping up with my assignments. I showed her one that I had purposefully ignored because it felt pointless to me. The assignment was to copy letters in cursive, placing them perfectly on lined paper much like you do in elementary school. The letters were in a textbook and the teacher had told us to photocopy the lined paper for the assignment. When my mom asked about the assignment I told her I didn’t care if I failed it. I showed her what I had completed and planned to turn in. The letters were floating in the middle of the lined paper, unevenly spaced and of all different sizes despite being readable and formed correctly. I felt my work was good enough. 

When I woke I knew the dream was related to the previous dream. Communication is key to preventing negative karma. In the case of my uncle and cousin, their rejection of each other will continue into another lifetime if they don’t make amends before death. My uncle knows this. He spent a lot of time mending his relationship with both his parents before they died. So, why then, does he not try to do this with his son? It is hard to say. Maybe he expects his son to come to him? 

As related to me, my own communication is anything but perfect. It may “pass the class”, but barely. It is rare that I work to maintain good communication with people outside my inner circle. Typically, I will put forth effort when it comes to close family, but with friends and acquaintances I make little to no effort at all. This is by choice. It is a lot of work to stay on good terms with people and so I reserve what little energy I have for those closest to me. My husband can’t believe I’m this way because he will go out of his way to get on good terms with pretty much everyone. I would but it is exhausting to me. Really.

However, if I were in my uncle’s shoes, I would definitely make the effort. If one of my children disappointed me continuously, I wouldn’t disconnect from them completely. I may stop helping them to avoid enabling them, but I would still tell them I loved them, still talk to them, still want to spend time with them. 

Emotional Overload

My higher levels of emotion are likely the result of my own avoidance. I definitely dislike crying for similar reasons as my mom. My throat constricts and I can’t talk. If I do try to talk, my voice is high pitched and strained. My face gets red and I feel very uncomfortable. Being the effect of my emotions is a very vulnerable place to be! 

Just in the last two weeks I’ve broken down in tears during several conversations with my husband about how I feel unappreciated, taken for granted and undervalued. The tears come as a result of what I say, so I know there is truth in my words. Usually I get angry or walk away, but for some reason these last few conversation helped me to see just how exhausted I am and I succumbed. It is just too much work to pretend I am strong.

One day the emotion followed me to work and I nearly burst into tears in a meeting over something someone said. At first I found myself reacting the way I often do. It’s a “deer in headlights” reaction, like I freeze and don’t know how to react. I don’t feel anything initially and it takes me a while to respond to questions. This particular time I was told my input in the meeting was not needed and unwanted. It was an outright rejection of my contribution and a clear message that I was not there to contribute but to observe. The person who told me this recognized that it hurt my feelings before I did and said, “Don’t be upset”. I lied and said I wasn’t, still frozen, unsure as to what exactly I was feeling. It was only later that I understood. As I sat through the rest of the meeting, silent as instructed, the emotion threatened to break through, but I kept it in check. I recognized she had made me feel unappreciated and undervalued. I was so upset that I thought, “I don’t want to be here anymore.” “Here” as in work. I wanted to walk out and quit right then and there. If I’m not valued or appreciated or seen, then why stay?

I spoke to my husband about it a couple of days later and burst into tears again. Sigh. He promised me she meant nothing by it and that I was valued and appreciated. He even told me she did the same thing to him once upon a time. It didn’t help. I still feel what I feel.

Even today I feel the emotion from this morning’s dream still lingering under the surface. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells, not knowing when/if the high emotion will raise its ugly head. It’s starting to give me a headache. 😦