Weird dreams last night. At least I have decent recall, which has not been the case for many months now.

Dream: Camping in Montana

I was lying on the ground with another woman sharing a blanket. Someone mentioned that there were mosquitoes and the blanket was too small to protect two people from their bites in the night. I repositioned the blanket and sure enough there wasn’t enough blanket to cover us both head-to-toe. I suggested we go into town the buy another one. The reply was that nothing would be open so late. I said, “Wal-Mart will be. They stay open until 11.” They looked surprised and I heard back, “You’re right, it is.” This is when I realized I had been talking to a man and woman. They left and when I got up to join them, they suggested I stay. I snuggled up under the blanket which covered me completely and went to sleep. 

While asleep I dreamed another dream in which I was sorting through some old boxes of things – memories and stuff saved over the years. I found old drawings I had created as part of contest submissions. They were pretty good with explanations of what inspired the drawings. I set them in the “keep” pile and I tossed a bunch of things that I did not want. Some items were my daughter’s supplies to make arts and crafts. I showed her a box full of her supplies – beads, yarn, booklets, unfinished creations. She happily took the stuff intending to finish some of what she started.

I was awakened by the return of the two who had gone to buy a blanket. The man tossed an oversized, button-up work shirt at me. He said, “Granddaddy said you can use this.” They hadn’t gone to the store but stopped to check if family had anything. I  wondered why they hadn’t just picked up a spare sleeping bag.

I took the large, gray shirt and saw it was more than big enough to protect me from biting mosquitoes. I thought of my grandfather briefly, remembering how much I loved him and missed him.

Everyone settled down to sleep for the night. I covered my top half with the oversized shirt and the man and woman snuggled up using most of the blanket but left me enough to cover my bottom half. For some reason I had in my hand a small vibrating object. I turned it on and it was quite loud. Not wanting to wake anyone, I turned it off but it still made a noise. I took it apart and it still made noise. I didn’t know why and was quite embarrassed but no one seemed to care.

The man to my left moved closer to me. I could feel his intention to initiate sex with me. I kept my eyes closed, pretending to sleep. Then I felt a velvety soft object shoved into my mouth. It was so wide that it barely fit and I felt somewhat gagged by it despite trying to accommodate it. I put my hand on it to investigate. The object was very obviously the man’s penis. What was odd was its size. It was wide but extremely nubby, like just a few inches tall and wide.

The man withdrew his penis and moved away laughing and looking over at me. The sense I got from him was that I was “the new woman” in the group and therefore he wanted to play with me (more like it as I felt like an object). He stood up and yelled at someone on the other side of me. This is when I noticed another couple. The other man stood up. He was wearing a plaid shirt and had a mustache. The man next to me told the other man, “It’s your turn”, and walked away.

I looked over at the other man. His energy was more pleasant and kind. I could sense he did not think of me as an object. He made no move in my direction. He just stared at me with compassion.

By this time the other women in the group were waking up and the sun was rising. I noticed a large oak tree that I hadn’t seen before was in the middle of our camp. My focus shifted to the man in plaid who was talking to me about Montana politics. I remember telling him that I had lived in Montana before so I knew very well what it was like. I mentioned living in the city, though, and not in small town, rural Montana. I also told him I loved it there but left because of the harsh winters. I reiterated that I hated the winters. 

One of the woman in the group was being very friendly with me. She had short, boy-cut blonde hair and was quite petite. She began to climb up into the oak tree. Seeing her up the tree, I followed, climbing quickly, racing to get higher up in the tree. I stood above her smiling down at her as if saying, “I win!” The energy between us felt playful. 

Dream: Invisible Me

This dream occurred early in the morning hours. 

I was at the monthly financial planning meeting for our company sitting at a table with the others in attendance. To my left was a young boy who I didn’t recognize. I felt very unprepared for the meeting since I had no memory of having it on my schedule. 

Across from me was the old CFO. She was running the meeting, which was suppose to be my job. I said nothing and just sat there letting her take charge and feeling useless. The boy next to me grabbed my water bottle and took a sip. I said, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. I’ve been sick.” He gave me a horrified looked and put the bottle down. This is when I noticed the top was closed. I laughed and said, “Good thing it’s closed. You took a sip thinking it was yours out of habit didn’t you?” He nodded.  

When the meeting adjourned we all left together. We approached a black SUV with super dark tinted windows. On the ground in front of the SUV, as if someone had dropped it, were two objects. One was a black eye patch. I almost reached down to get it but left it there and climbed into the back of the SUV.

Inside I felt very awkward. I couldn’t see out the windows and it was extremely dark inside. Sitting across from me looking out the window was my friend from high school. I was excited to see her and said something casually to her, something witty to make her laugh. She completely ignored me. I felt invisible and became acutely aware that I had something on my forehead. Again, I said something to my friend. She turned momentarily, gave me an annoyed look, and stared back out the window. This time I felt humiliated, small and insignificant. Again I felt something stuck to my forehead. Annoyed, I put my hand to my forehead to get whatever it was off of it. It peeled off like a huge sticker. I saw clearly that it was a used sanitary pad.

I remember thinking how sad it was that even with something so gross and horrifying on my forehead I was still invisible to everyone. They were happy to talk at me and expected I listen intently to them, but when I spoke to them, they didn’t hear me. Looking at the used sanitary napkin in my hand, I realized I had a lot in common with it. 

I began to cry and woke up with tears slowly trickling out of my eyes. 

Invisible

Trying to return to sleep, I lay in bed contemplating my dream. I concluded that it was probably best I speak as little to others as possible. What is the point of speaking when I am not heard or seen? Besides, most people react to my voice in a negative way anyway. I’ve had people flinch from the sound of my voice. I’ve been told to “stop yelling” despite speaking as softly as I can. The annoyance I often feel from people is exactly like the feeling I had in the above dream. From the first dream I think mosquito = annoyance = how most people feel about me.

I thought of the Montana dream and how I was perceived as an object to be used and tried on like a new pair of shoes. It felt true, especially of the men who I’ve been in relationships with in this lifetime. They are intrigued by me, want to try me out, and then grow bored with their new toy when I do not provide them with whatever it is they are seeking. Some keep me around out of some kind of extreme loyalty or sense that it is the “right thing to do”, but the reality is they aren’t interested in me when the shine wears off. So often in relationships I feel unseen and unheard. When I speak, my words seem to cut into the other no matter how much I try and soften them, either that or they don’t hear anything. 

I thought back to years ago when an old acquaintance met me for lunch. She was far from home and invited me, which was a surprise to me. She had never liked me. In fact, she told me outright I made her uncomfortable and she was suspicious of my motives. I never quite understood why she felt this way and then to invite me to lunch? Very odd. 

The entire meal I was anxious because I was going through a rough patch in my life. I don’t remember what we talked about specifically now but I believe she advised me on my difficulties. In reflecting on that memory, I suspect my aura made her uncomfortable. She probably thought I could perceive something she wanted kept hidden. I didn’t, but then I never looked. She has never contacted me again, which is okay, but I feel bad that she distrusted me. I can’t help it. It feels like I did something wrong just by being who I am and that is a feeling I’ve had my entire life. 

I concluded that the best thing for me to do is stay clear of other people as much as possible. If I have to be around others, then I should speak as little as possible and only at their request.

I cried a lot on my morning walk because of these dreams. It hurts to be invisible.