I’ve been watching NDE accounts lately. I feel drawn to them because they are similar to my STE’s (spiritually transformative experience) and I when I listen to their stories I feel less alone. To hear their stories gives me hope and helps me Remember.

The following NDE account is the one I watched last night – The Near Death Experience of Nancy Rynes.

There were several key messages that got through to me. One was a reminder that we are never alone. We have guides available to us and we can call on them at any time. We can ask them questions and they will answer. We need only listen by quieting our mind and being receptive to the answers they provide. Another was about karma. She doesn’t like the word “karma” because there is so much misunderstanding surrounding it. Instead, she calls it “making amends”. She came back from her NDE mainly because she wanted to make amends; to do as much good as she could in order to cross out all the bad. Finally, there was the reminder that our Life Review is meant for learning. We should not blame ourselves or feel guilt or shame for those times in our lives when we did not live up to the challenges of life. Instead, we should look upon those times as lessons and examples of areas where we can strive to do better. 

I went to bed specifically asking my guidance for help in answering my question: What is my purpose? Why am I still here? I honestly did not expect an answer since my dreams and waking life have been so devoid of spiritual connection lately. 

The Answer

I woke up from a vivid dream in which I was riding in a car with my BIL. He had a camera in his hand that was perched on the steering wheel as he drove. I sensed that operating the camera while he drove was stressful so I asked him if he wanted me to take it. He agreed, relieved, and handed it to me. I asked where to store it and he handed me an envelope with a woman’s name and phone number on it. When I looked at it I became slightly lucid and was flooded with emotions that I knew were not mine. I looked over at him as he drove and the emotions set in. It was clear that he had great love for me but was embarrassed by what he felt. The love was similar to what I’ve felt in dreams in the past with various people. So it was nothing new; however; this time a voice came through the dreamscape into my consciousness. At the time I was feeling very uncomfortable with the knowledge of what he felt for me as his feelings do not mirror my own and he is my husband’s brother which makes his feelings very inappropriate. So, the voice was asking me, “What would you do?” 

His question woke me and the conversation continued. I had Knowing that I didn’t have prior to bed. There were also memories of other experiences I’ve had, all pertaining to extremes of emotion. 

The question was to get me to consider how I would respond to the emotion I was feeling in my dream if it occurred in waking reality. That was why I felt so uncomfortable in the dream. The dream version of me would not have any issues with his feelings for me. If anything, I would reciprocate because when I am OOB I am full of love and without judgement or expectation of others. The waking version of me would reject the love because it is socially unacceptable here in the physical to show that kind of love to anyone and everyone I felt it for, especially a BIL. 

I remember wanting to feel the love, though, and asking to feel it fully all the time because I’ve been feeling so numb and disconnected lately. My guide advised, “That would not be wise.” In fact, I heard a “No” firmly when I pressed the subject. He said that the positive emotion cannot be felt without the negative. He reminded me of times when I experienced the extremes of emotion ranging from Divine Oneness to grief and despair as I took in the emotions of what seemed like entire groups of people throughout the history of the Earth. Those experiences were extremely difficult for me and each time I did not know what to do with all the emotion flowing through me. I felt overwhelmed and helpless yet compelled to do something. When it was the Divine Love and amazing connectedness of the Kundalini experiences I’ve had, I wanted immediately to abandon this body and return Home. When it was the grief and despair, I wanted to help but felt small and insignificant, unable to do enough to take all the pain away. 

After this “review”, I agreed with him. It would be too much. 

There was discussion about why it is too much that went beyond just how overwhelming it would be. We discussed why it was that I could feel so much from other people. I remember saying something that caused my guide to ask me, “Do you think everyone is like you?” With this came memories and reminders of how other people experience emotion. My lens of emotion is very different. While I feel so much from those around me, pulling in their emotion and fully experiencing it as my own, the vast majority of people do not do this.

Human Design came to mind along with my completely open solar plexus. This is the emotional center and has various gates with specific “lessons” attached to them. These gates allow the individual to experience emotion in a fixed way. They can only experience emotion this way and will do so through that lens throughout their life. My solar plexus has no defined gates whatsoever. I have no lens through which to experience emotion. Therefore, I end up “adopting” the lenses of others. Early on in life I was conditioned by those closest to me via their definition, causing me to adopt the lense(s) of their defined solar plexus. 

It has been said in Human Design that those with completely open centers have “mastered” the lessons of that center. However, it became clear to me that though this is true, I have mastered all lessons of the gates of the solar plexus, I am still working on the mastery of having no gates. To have no definition, no set way of emoting, is hugely challenging. I easily pull in the emotion of others and end up struggling to handle the emotion because I do not have the tools within me to do so. I am “empty” of tools. 

I asked my guide how to I manage this? My guidance reminded me that I have all I need within, all I need to do is listen. With this I recalled how I have managed in the past. I let the emotion flow through, observe it and allow it to pass. The reactive part of me cannot be trusted. I tend to react how I have been conditioned and it is not who I AM. 

I have been conditioned to take sides, to react in a certain way. When confronted with my own Design, my completely open solar plexus, I am left with…nothing. I feel calm. It is quiet. It is peaceful. These feelings are alien to me because, all my life, I’ve been surrounded by highly emotional people. My family growing up was full of emotional reactiveness. When all that is gone, when I am correctly living my Design, I think something must be wrong. I get bored and I look for things to react to. This is the addictive quality of being completely open. We become addicted to our conditioning. 

It became quite clear by the end of this conversation why my guidance was saying my lesson is in self-restraint. Just put the word “emotional” before self-restraint and it begins to make more sense. It also applies to other areas, of course, but it is emotion that sets the stage for what comes next. The emotion is the trigger. I must remember that the emotion I am feeling IS NOT MINE. It is so difficult to comprehend, yet it is true for me. I am feeling the emotion of the other(s) I am interacting with in the moment and responding in the way I’ve been conditioned to respond.

My guidance helped clarify this by reminding me that if I observe others around me, I will notice them acting upon their emotions. Emotion is the fuel of action. This is a Collective lesson as well as my own. 

So, I am here to practice self-restraint. To resist reacting to emotion. To resist taking action in response to emotion. Instead, I need to let the emotion flow through me, observe it and respond later based upon what my authority advises. This is exactly the strategy of anyone with emotional authority. You have to “ride the emotional” wave before taking action or making a decision. The impact of no solar plexus definition upon Design would be similar to being fully defined (all gates defined).