What a relief! The heavy, tense, depressed energy has cleared and I am feeling so much more positive! 🙂

Dreams

Had some major healing dreams last night. I tried staying awake when I woke around 2am so that I would have a lucid dream or OBE. Instead, I woke a couple of hours later in tears from an intense, eye-opening dream. 

I think there were two dreams very close together that were on the same topic.

In the first one, I was being asked questions about considering a relationship with someone. It played out as both a dream and discussion with interludes in between where I was left to ponder the information.

The visuals were of us meeting in a plain white room to have sex and I would leave despite him wanting me to stay, talk, connect, etc. I wasn’t interested in anything deeper. It was a kind of “friends with benefits” situation but in real life I wouldn’t even call us friends, more like acquaintances. I was asked why I chose to do this and I explained that I didn’t see a point – I have everything I need and want in life. I listed out my children, my home, my job and even my current relationship. It was clear I saw the prospect of having a more meaningful, deeper connection with this guy as a distraction and waste of time.

There wasn’t a distinct shift into the next dream. I entered a room where I watched as a FB acquaintance of mine had agreed to connect with a man. “Connect” here would be defined as coming into Union; a Kundalini connection ie. merging of the masculine and feminine in physical reality. I recognized her straight away. She is stunningly beautiful IMO. She was laying down and the man was kneeling over her. They were facing each other and she had completely let go, opening herself up to him in all ways. In her vulnerability the man had full control and I could feel the energy between them. It was intense but muted in the dream. He asked her to guide him so that he could give her what she wanted and needed. When she told him what she needed he paused and sat back on his heels. Looking at her with a smirk on his face, he said something insulting and degrading but I can’t remember his exact words now. She immediately shut down and curled up into a fetal position. The man laughed. 

I felt horrible for her as I could feel what she was feeling. It was a feeling I knew all too well. I approached her and knelt down beside her. I asked her what she needed. I was shown her wounds. It was quite shocking. I saw a visual of the man cutting away her entire left side. He left it on the ground next to her. It looked like a giant piece of jerky, a cut from her armpit to her hip bone. It was clear the man had stolen a part of her and it had a physical impact as well as an emotional and spiritual one.

Then I was laying down next to her dressed in a white shift. A woman asked me what I needed. It was like I was the other woman as well as myself. I could feel everything she felt plus my own stuff. I told her how I felt but the memory of it is not in words but in actual feelings. The feeling is immense grief, sadness and depression, more than any person should have to carry. I wanted only to sleep, to somehow escape the heaviness of it all. 

It was at this time I reached out my hand and found the hand of the other woman who was laying injured beside me. I could see her delicate hands almost lifeless next to me. I gently opened her fingers and held her hand. She gripped my hand and I took my other hand and placed it on top. The message I sent her was, “You’re not alone. We’re in this together.” When I did this I began to sob. It was as if I could feel all the pain and grief of every woman who has ever existed. 

Realization

I woke up with tears still streaming down my face and processed all the information that was still coming through from the dream. 

Prior to sleep I had watched a show about the Yanomami Indians of Brazil. I had studied this group when in college and so was interested in how things had changed since then. In the end, it reminded me of how important balance is, not only to the planet but to humanity. I had gone to sleep thinking of this balance, especially between masculine and feminine.

I had also decided that if I woke in the night and had slept for at least five hours that I would try to stay awake long enough to sort of “reset” my sleep clock so that I could more easily lucid dream or go OOB. So, around 2am, this is what I did. I had a sense that something was going to happen anyway, but I didn’t know what.

Why this sense? For two nights prior I had dreams of driving trucks. In one it was a semi-truck and in another just a regular truck. Both were white. I rarely dream of trucks and it is even rarer that I’m driving. Trucks in general represent hard work. In both dreams the context indicated healing work. There was also focus on the second chakra, which I have long had issues with (most women do).

So when I awoke there was complete understanding about the healing taking place and why. 

The first dream indicates that I am avoiding deeper connections, specifically with men. I give many reasons for this, but the real reason is revealed in dream two. It became crystal clear to me that I push away deeper connections with men because of a massive wound, a wound that all women have. It is the result of men misusing their power over women, using it to control, manipulate, abuse and enslave. 

Though I don’t mention it in the second dream, I could feel the very natural, vulnerability of being a woman along with the many gifts of the feminine. That vulnerable feeling is our natural state. We are made to be healers, to nurture and protect our children, to nourish our family, to flow in love and support of others. We willingly open ourselves up to the masculine as our protectors and initiators of change. To feel this way is a relief but with it comes something unnatural – fear. I now understand that fear more fully. 

In the Yanomami documentary, the women of the tribe get to a point where they have to come together in order to provide what the men cannot. The men can’t find enough game to hunt because of changes in the ecosystem brought about by heavy mining by the white man. Their water has been tainted with mercury and the forest cut down. Many of the men go with the miners back to the city and don’t come back. So the woman have had to take on the additional role of provider. They weave baskets to trade for food.

The wound I carry and all women carry was very obvious in the early morning hours. I asked my guidance, “How do I heal it?” The answer I received was, “A man”, and saw that the only way to heal, for me at least, was to find a man who can fully step into his role. The hardest part for me would be to open up fully to him, to be vulnerable and allow him the power I fear he will abuse. 

The only way to overcome fear is to face it. 

I could also see how many women have chosen other women to fulfill the masculine role. The acquaintance in dream two is one of those women. I know instinctively this is not a path for me. However, it is often other women who are best at helping one another find their hidden feminine gifts. Society has taught women to be more masculine than they are naturally inclined to be. We have to rediscover our feminine nature. For me, it has been through K connection (merging) that I’ve finally glimpsed my full, feminine potential. 

Finally, it was crystal clear that any healing I do on myself is also done on all women. Like I said in the dream, “We’re in this together.” 

I know it is possible for me to do what is needed, to be fully open and vulnerable. I have done it before. In the past I was not given what I needed, similar to the dream, so I retreated and my walls went back up. I doubt I will ever trust this particular individual again and it saddens me. I wish I wasn’t so cautious. I wish my natural defense mechanisms wouldn’t kick in automatically, but they do. My Ego/logical mind says, “Protect yourself. Take care of yourself.” 

This song was on my mind when I woke. When I researched the lyrics this section indicated to me:

So, I made you think that I would always stay
I said some things that I should never say
Yeah, I broke your heart like someone did to mine
And now you won’t love me for a second time