After the dream message, “Just let go”, I began to wonder if maybe I don’t truly understand what it means to let go. And I wondered, “Let go of what?” I searched it and found several articles. This was a good one – How to Let Go and Free Yourself.

I recognized that maybe what I am holding onto is past hurt and disappointment. Holding onto these things is not helping me move forward or be present in the Now. The problem with some of that hurt and disappointment is that my life is filled with people who continue to hurt and disappoint me. How do I let go of hurt and disappointment by these people if I still live and interact with them daily? Knowing I should have no expectations is easy. Doing it, difficult!

Then there is the trauma I experienced with the heart connection. It has skewed my outlook on life and increased my bitterness tenfold. The hurt and decimation I experienced has been difficult to move through.

At the time of the heart connection I was going through a major Kundalini rising and had several K-events before, during and after. I came to see myself as special for these experiences – and I was – but then those experiences died alongside the heart connection. Now I am back to being just ordinary and left floundering about, trying to figure out what I am suppose to do. Who am I?

This morning I was awakened by a message. It came via a vision of a word being written in my mind, one letter at a time. The word was: Wounded. It was written in white, cursive letters on a light blue background.

This confirmed that to let go, I need to inspect my wounds, acknowledge and accept them as a part of me – my battle scars – but not allow them to define me.  

As I lingered in bed I had a memory from my childhood that gave me pause. As a little girl of probably 6-7 years old, I use to wonder, “What is love? What does love feel like?” These questions came up often as I grew, too. In fact, they were frequently on my mind. I truly didn’t know, based upon my own feelings and what I’d observed and experienced in my life, what love was. 

I think these questions came about as a result of the experiences I had with my mother and siblings early on. My mother could be very loving and cuddly, but more frequently she was quite mean and ruthless. Surely love wasn’t physical and emotional abuse, ridicule and humiliation? Not only that, but my siblings never seemed to show a consistent love for me either. In fact, I felt less from them than my mother. And my father? He was completely distant and unreachable for the most part. Being myself often resulted in rejection but being what (I thought) they wanted me to be did, too. So confusing!

I remember deciding at one point that I must love someone if when I thought of them dying it made me sad. I think I was a teenager or pre-teen when I decided that was what love was and felt like. Still, though, something about that answer didn’t feel right. 

Perhaps I have been on a quest to learn what love is this entire life? It seems so. Have I figured it out? Not exactly. I am closer to understanding it, though. For certain, the human definition of love is not the same as the Divine type. Human love is riddled with expectation and as a result can be withheld and taken away at will. Human love can be horribly cruel and destructive. Divine love is consistent and flows through everyone and everything. It is not withheld or taken away. Everything about Divine Love acknowledges and accepts the individual AS THEY ARE. Sadly, the human experience and conditioning can and most often does block us from receiving this kind of love. So human love has trumped the Divine kind. 

My experience of Divine Love and then the seeming loss of it has scarred me. I don’t like human love and don’t want to participate in any of it. Yet that is all that surrounds me. Human love is so riddled with expectation that I feel like I am on an obstacle course in every relationship I have, trying hard not to get knocked down by the sudden realization that, for each person, I am not enough and never will be. 

Then I thought of my completely open solar plexus in Human Design. I have absolutely no defined way of experiencing emotion, love included. I can be completely devoid of feeling/emotion or I feel it all to the point of overwhelm. Mostly I am neutral. This often causes other people to think of me as cold and unfeeling. They often feel my neutrality as rejection, especially those with defined solar plexuses. Sadly, I will never know what they know in this life because I do not have the means to. Love will be a mystery until I die. As will all the other emotions. 

On the bright side, having a completely open solar plexus frees me from emotional decision-making. Well, I am free only if I avoid being pulled into others emotions and letting those emotions sway me. Unfortunately, others do not see my decision-making as good if I disregard emotion, mine and others.

The message of me being “wounded” is likely linked to my openness (HD). So much conditioning, so much confusion on my part as I try to navigate life and constantly run into people who pull me one way or the other. I am meant to flow but how do I maintain flow when I am being pulled in so many directions? Do I just ignore what feelings I have all the time, remaining neutral throughout? I don’t want to just be trampled all the time, yet that is how I feel. I feel powerless almost all the time. It is no wonder I am always trying in vain to control things – anything to help me feel more sane.

I recognize that we come here to navigate the obstacle course called life. It is a “game”. Sadly, I feel I have been knocked down so much I don’t want to play the game anymore. Why get back up only to be knocked back down? I’ve gotten to the point that even the simplest life problems take a huge toll on me. The tiniest amount of effort exhausts me (emotionally mostly, but also physically at times).