Dreamed I was with a small group in a rural area. We lived in a small cottage home with a huge window at the front entry. I remember looking at the window and its location and considering the layout of the house. How was the house so dark with such a big window? I determined it was the location of the window at the front entry which limited the light from the window to a tiny dining area. Briefly I saw inside the house and noticed the dimness of the light inside and how small it really was. How odd, I thought.

Then I was with the group which consisted of five or six individuals. There was discussion about conducting a ritual that would create change within us. It was presented as a good thing but many were skeptical. I remember some members objected to doing the ritual. Somehow, though, the ritual was done without everyone’s agreement and we were stuck with the consequences. Some were in shock after. Some just accepted it. I was one that accepted it.

As a result of the ritual, I knew my physical body was now dead despite me still occupying it. Everyone else in the group had the same result. Was I a zombie? I couldn’t be. My mind was clear and I felt really good. I had no urge to eat brains or other people. In fact, I felt just like I did when my body was living. I was living but my body was dead – living dead. 

The group discussed their new circumstances. The positives were that we no longer had to worry about taking care of the functioning of the body – no urge to pee, to eat, to sleep. The negatives were the body would soon begin to decay and lose mobility. How could we slow that process? Eventually the body would not be suited for occupation so slowing down decay was the only option. Not many ideas were presented. I remember walking around for a bit, feeling for changes in my body that indicated it was starting to decay. I noticed blood was starting to pool in my legs causing them to look purplish black. Without the heart beating to circulate the blood, it was thickening and gravity was causing it to trickle down towards my feet. Images of what happens to a body after death came to mind – gaunt face, bulging eyes, sagging skin, dark spots. Gross. I informed the group about the blood situation and suggested we all lay down and put our feet up so as to redistribute the blood in our bodies. 

I walked into the main room and saw a large, circular stone table in the middle. All around it were pillows and mats spread out like spokes in a wheel. I recognized the ritual area and picked out a spot. This is where it happened. This is where the ritual was performed that killed all our bodies. I laid down on a mat and put my feet up on the table. No one else joined me. I remember thinking/saying, “You know, what we really need to do is drain all the blood from our bodies. Then we don’t have to worry about our blood pooling.”  I remember thinking of embalming and how that may also be an option. Then I had a thought that if I did remove all my blood, then maybe I would become thirsty for blood and I would be driven to consume people like a real zombie. This worried me and as a result I woke up.

Reflection

I want to laugh about this dream but it was so real that I take pause. What was is trying to show me?  My first thought upon waking was that I was being made aware of something about myself. Specifically, my focus on keeping my physical body in good shape via exercise, nutrition, and youth enhancing procedures like Botox and IPL. It made me think of just how much anxiety I have over my body deteriorating as I age. I dislike the idea of looking old while feeling younger than my age. I already look in the mirror and cringe. I have to wear glasses (severe dry eye) and they age me. I look like a librarian. I have some loose skin under my chin and my eyes droop making me look sad and tired. I exercise to keep myself from going insane from boredom but also because it helps relieve anxiety and depression. I also like to keep my body looking younger and exercise does that. I am proud to say my body looks as good as it did in my twenties. Sometimes I can obsess over my diet, focusing on eating clean and reducing fatty and sweet food. I have been so fixated on diet that, in the past, I have stopped enjoying food entirely. I am not that way now and allow myself to eat pretty much anything I want, but it still bothers me if I eat too much of the wrong things. 

The dream asks me, “Is this what you want? Do you want to spend your life focused on something that, inevitably, will deteriorate and die regardless of how much you try to stop it?” The dream indicates I have created habits (rituals) around the maintenance of my body. It also shows how, if continued to extremes, those habits could become an obsession. Perhaps the thirst for blood, as mentioned in the dream, is actually a thirst for life? 

All this is because, prior to bed, I thought about giving up my job search and just continuing my routine, which involves working out, eating healthy and achieving a certain physique. I woke this morning thinking that I really don’t want to commute to work every day, report to the same location and have expectations placed upon me to perform a certain way. I don’t really want to be around people all day, either. lol Since I don’t have to work, it suits me just fine to focus on doing things that I enjoy. For example, keeping a dream journal, blogging, working out, being with my kids, walking my dog, etc. I struggle to motivate myself to return to a normal job in the normal way. It is just not appealing. Does that mean I am the “living dead”? IDK, maybe. I don’t feel like I am doing a lot of living in terms of interacting with and helping others. I don’t feel alive in that sense at all. In fact, most of the time I feel like I am just waiting to die, filling my time with distractions until I can finally be released from this physical reality and return Home.