Author Archives

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Creating Space: Message from E’Fonin

Now is a time to settle into yourself and get comfortable with the New You. In this settling in you’re not only an observer of who you are from the inside but you create space for the New You within yourself. You give him/her a Home within. Get cozy together. You have been apart for a long time.

The reUnion is exquisite. It is an explosion of familiarity. Do you feel it? Is it comfortable for you? Perhaps not yet. This New You is unfamiliar to your Earth Self yet at the same time complimentary and comfortable. There is not rejection but inspection of this new aspect.

“Join me!”, he/she says to you. “Have a seat and let’s chat. It’s been far too long and we’ve much catching up to do”.

The space you hold for YourSelf is growing ever more important in these times of accelerating frequency. The acceleration is of Light as well as Dark as the Earth seeks balance and harmony. The intensity of the pitch at which your resonance echos in return can be unsettling and somewhat discombobulating. This is why creating space within is so vital right now. From within this space you can recuperate and refuel in a joined effort of mutual understanding and Love.

And most importantly you are not alone in this space you have created. And this space will grow ever larger as you settle in and become accustomed to the companionship; the wholeness for which you have longed.

What do you do while in this space? Create. It is where you create what it is you wish to manifest. For within this space there is more creative potential than ever there has been for you while in this Earthly body.

You are not alone. You just need to Remember what that feels like.

~ E’Fonin, Counselor and Ambassador for the Pleiadian High Council

 

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Unburden Yourself: Message from the High Council

Honor yourself.

Create yourself.

Do not deny yourself by entreating others to feast upon your loss.

It is with an open mind that I have been evaluating my life. Certain aspects are brought to mind to review. Some are taken in and digested; allowed to permeate into and out of my Being. Do they honor who I Am? Do they inspire growth and allow for the unfolding of a greater, more powerful Me? If not, then they must go by the wayside. They must be allowed to dissolve and with them take all those things which have not served the greater purpose.

It is these things which weigh you down and distract your from the task at hand.

Fold up as a flower does in the evening. Protect that which is genuine and beautiful and reject that which only causes your fragile petals to wither.

Now is a time great opportunity. Though you don’t see it, it is there, asking you to move forward. But you cannot move forward without first unburdening yourself. We ask that you take note of those things which do not honor you; those things which do not build upon your purpose here. What have you been accepting as truth which is not but a lie? Where are you in the grand scheme that is your life? What have you created which only defeats you? It is in these things which you falter. Your regression is caused by that which you do not release.

Why do you deny yourself? What is it in truth that is so hard to accept? In you there is a great Light yet you allow it to be dampened, diminished. It is as if you are afraid to Shine. Shine!

A newly emerged butterfly cannot fly until it’s wings have dried. It must be patient as the moisture is wicked away. It must wait for the opportune moment; the moment when flight can occur. But only at that exact moment for to lift off in flight before that time is to meet it’s demise. This is for you to also consider. To prematurely take flight means much upset and hardship. This path can only lead to regression. Your time will come and when it does you will fly proudly into the Light, wings strong and brilliant.

There is sure to be Remembrance in this time of introspection. Your purpose and the tasks you agreed to complete while in this physical body are being revealed to you. Acceptance and objectivity are encouraged for with these can you adequately define your next step without emotional blocks and mental anguish.

What have you Remembered that you are now, in fact, denying?

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Questions and Answers

I have felt “off” all day. I’m not exactly sure why. So I am going to see what my guides have to say.

What is up with the energy today?

The world is grieving and fear is taking hold in many places. There is a dark energy surfacing that has been in hiding for the past few months, out of sight and out of mind. The fear increases this energy and helps it take hold in places it otherwise would not.

There is also a clearing of dense energy occurring. This reemergence of the dark energy is part of this clearing. The recent events in Paris have shocked many into awareness which in turn has resulted in a great purging. Imagine the steam that rises off a pot of freshly steamed vegetables and you can get an image of how this energy is moving right now as it is released. Though it may seem heavy and dark right now, it will be replaced with light as more and more of it evaporates.

Why am I feeling this way? Usually I am not so effected.

Though you have succeeded in raising your vibration significantly since you began your journey, there is still much to be released. You, like many others, are freeing/releasing that which no longer serves you and this will not go unnoticed. A lethargy accompanies it. A soft sadness without source and without direction. There is a lost feeling as well that you recognize. This is simply you tuning into those souls who have yet to make a full transition Home.

You forget you have been fine tuned to get you to this point in your journey. Your connection to your multidimensional selves has created a new conundrum for you as you do not know what to do with what you know since you cannot quite articulate or wrap your mind around what exactly it is you do know. It is a struggle that will continue as long as you allow your mind to dominate.

But how do I keep that from happening? How do I stay centered in my heart? It seems so easy but it isn’t.

It is a process that takes time. No one will immediately be freed from the mind as it has its purpose: survival. The key is to control it; reign it in when it gets too demanding or too fearful. This requires patience on your part and much, much focus on thought. Not on what it is that you are thinking but why you are thinking it. Focus on the feeling behind your thoughts. The more you do this, the more your heart will take the lead.

As with all habits that need breaking, this one will take willpower and much, much persistence. Especially during times such as these when there is a purging of the old to make room for the new. For now there is less and less room for the old dichotomy.

I keep feeling like I need to be doing something but I have no idea what it is? Why am I feeling like this?

You have memories of your purpose here. They reside just below the surface of your conscious mind. Sometimes they leak through as feelings and/or untapped desire. It is with great love that we advise you to withhold yourself from taking premature action based upon these feelings for you are not yet fully aware of their source and the need for action is not yet. In your heart you understand this, which is why you have yet to act other than to go within and speculate as to the source of your feelings. This is okay and we encourage you to dig deep, deeper yet, for this is the only way to find that which is hidden from view. What is amusing to us and will also be to you is that you were the one that hid it there. And when you find it and remember there will be no doubt of your motives.

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Two Dreams: Freed Dog and Bomb

During my normal nightly routine I ran across video footage of the terrorist attacks in Paris. I remember thinking I should pray for the victims, sending them light and love during this time of transition. At this time I was hit with very strong, loving energy from my guide. I fell asleep thinking of Paris and wondering what the energy from my guides indicated.

Dream: Freed Dog

I had many, many dreams but only a couple stand out. In this one, I was with a dark haired man who was in his 20s. We were walking along deserted streets in what appeared to be a subdivision, though I do not recall seeing any houses. We approached a fenced in area. Inside was very tall, green grass and nothing else. The gate was open and I remember saying to my friend, “Someone forgot to feed and water the dog who was in here. Thank goodness someone let it out”. I saw this small, white dog with brown patches in my mind as if I were remembering what the dog looked like. He reminded me of a terrier breed. I had a sad feeling for the dog. I knew he had been neglected and I always ache inside when I know an innocent has been mistreated. I was relieved that he was released, though I worried I was wrong and he was dead since I did not see him.

Interpretation

Dogs often symbolize protection in dreams and in this dream I believe this is the case. The dog was inside a fence, which indicates a need to suppress or confine the dog (protection). He was also neglected, meaning someone had forgotten about him or believed him unnecessary. Yet he is released indicating someone realized the need for protection.

Considering I fell asleep thinking of Paris, I suspect this dream is a reflection of the world at this time. Many assume they are safe and do not put much thought into protecting themselves. The recent events put people on alert and so they recognize the need for protection.

Dream: Bomb

In another dream, I recall being on a boat in the middle of the calm, blue ocean. Across from me was a friend, also on a boat. The boats were white and small and there was no shelter – both were wide open. I was standing up in my boat looking over at the young blonde woman who was my friend. There was a bomb set off and I remember seeing it over our heads. When it exploded it rained body parts all over my friend, as if the bomb were made of people. I stood there staring at her as she attempted to clean off the deck of her white boat. I saw a piece of an arm and a hand as she brushed it into the ocean. Then she looked up. There was another bomb coming. That’s when I woke up.

Interpretation

Boats represents one’s ability to cope with their emotions. The water represents the state of those emotions. In this case the boats were small and white and the water was blue, clear and calm. The small size indicates my own ability and area or perception. The white color is purity. Bombs represent potentially explosive situations in one’s life. In this case I am looking at it exploding in the air and reigning body parts down upon my friend. This could indicate that I feel unable to do much about the explosive situation (Paris) and the body parts likely symbolize the lives lost and maybe even the suicide bombers involved.

Vision

When I awoke this morning I had a strange feeling. It was like subdued sadness. I was numb but not numb. It is hard to explain. I did not question my dreams, just went over them in my mind and then drifted into the in-between.

While in-between I had a vivid vision of a bomb as it flew towards an unseen target and exploded. I saw a dense, gray smoke trail behind it and in my mind the thought “war” was placed. This woke me up with a start but I calmed quickly. My first thought was that it would not surprise me if the Paris attack’s prompt a declaration of war from France or the UN.

These are just my thoughts, though, not necessarily a prediction. I have already been told that before the next war there will be an assassination of an important figure in the UK. I think this is after the death of the Queen. We will see, I guess.

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Guideposts, Preparation Stages and Targets

I have been in constant comm with my guide today. I woke up with him there and he has stayed close throughout the day. When I do my “check-in’s” during the day (the 5 minutes mini-meditations I was told to start doing yesterday morning), as soon as I close my eyes and focus on my third eye and heart a warmth spreads over me which originates from my heart space and spreads outward. Sometimes this warm energy, this “welcoming” energy, starts as soon as I sit down, before I even have a chance to tune in. When that happened today I actually laughed and I swear I saw him standing there in front of me with a smirk on his face.

I’ve been spending a lot more time outside than I was, too. Today while I was walking with my youngest my guide and I had a full-on communication cycle. We discussed the safeguards I put in place prior to this life and the personal guidance system, or navigation system, we all have when we incarnate in physical bodies.

Guideposts, Preparation Stages and Targets

I recalled prior knowledge of before this incarnation. It was not vivid, like a specific memory, but more of a knowing of the process that occurs before we descend into a human body, or any physical body for that matter. I saw that I practiced this life through a sort of simulation process where I enacted over and over again certain points in my life that were important – points that I did not want to get wrong, couldn’t get wrong or else I might go off course. I did not see exactly how this was done but if felt like I actually rehearsed, similar to how actors rehearse for a big production of a play. Yet I did not rehearse everything – only certain things. These specific scripts which I practiced over and over beforehand are to help guide me, acting like “guideposts” to get me to the next big “target” in my life. These targets are spread all over my life and vary. Some may even be considered inconsequential by the looks of them by an observer, but they are not. Others are more obviously big life events such as marriage, the birth of a child or graduation from college. I did not ask what mine were – I knew that was not allowed.

I was told that most of life is spent in what my guide called “the preparation stage”. With this I saw a graph depicting long plateaus with sporadic peaks in between. The plateaus are these preparation stages.  During these “down times” we have not planned specifics of our life. It is left to us to decide what to do and what direction to go. The only planned thing we do during this time is prepare for our next target. This is mostly done unconsciously either while we sleep or via our multidimensional aspects. Very little of what we actually do in physicality is important. It is, in actuality, a time of free will exploration of self. At least that is how it is for me. Some people planned their lives in more detail. I, for some reason, wanted to allow this dead time to see how I would respond to it without there seeming to be any “direction”.

For some reason at this time in my life I being allowed to view some of the background work that is being done behind the scenes. I was told point blank that I am currently in a “preparation stage”. I have no idea what I am being prepared for other than that it is my next “target”. I was reassured that I was on the correct and predetermined path I set for myself. I think perhaps my path looks like a maze made up of squiggly lines rather than a straight road!

My guide told me that during this preparation stage I will be learning how to be more in tune; integrating the spiritual and physical aspects and using them together as they were meant to function. As with all preparation stages I can decide how I want to spend my Earthly time as it makes little difference at this point in time. I’m not exactly sure how to take this news. Is it good or bad? Hmmm.

I wondered then, if I did something drastic wouldn’t it affect my life if done during this time? I was told that my navigation system would warn me if what I decided to do was too “drastic” which just basically means too far off course to be viable.

Think of it this way: We are piloting a craft, our body/life here on Earth. But we are doing so while in the dark. The only way we know that we are on course is by tuning into the built in navigation system of the craft. This was installed prior to life to our individual specifications. The system will not tell us where to go but it will tell us when we go off course. It does this by sounding “alarms”. These alarms come in many different packages from illness to dis-ease and strange life happenings that seem coincidental but are not. The more in-tune one is to this system (meaning the more you know it is there and how to use it) the better. Yes, the warning system will be heard regardless but it does not mean we will know what it means and listen. However, if you know what it means and how to tune in to determine how to stay on track then you can avoid the uncomfortable after effects of a “close call”.

Interestingly, I have been well tuned to my navigation system all my life. “It just needs some tweaks”. At least that is what my guide says. What that means I don’t know. Perhaps I just need a little less stubbornness and a little more love. 🙂

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Decisions, Decisions

My dreams last night have got me thinking this morning. A question comes to mind: Which is more important: To be happy and fulfilled in life and in one’s Self or to fulfill a promise you made to yourself and your family so that they will be fulfilled and happy?

It all comes down to deciding if one’s own wants, needs and desires (happiness) are more or less important than the wants, needs, desires of those one loves.

I think we have all struggled with such a decision.

For me, I have chosen others over myself. I am being asked to question this decision. I see that now. It has been asked of me before in this life not long ago. It has been asked many times. I have asked it of myself as well.

There are many considerations I have. One is looking at which option will serve the greatest good. If the decision only serves to make me happy, then it is not the right decision. However, if the option serves many others then it is.

Another consideration is that I have memory of making similar decisions in my other lives and even in this one. When I chose to make myself happy I was riddled with guilt and regret. If I chose the decision that served others I felt no guilt but I was miserable and often wondered what it would have been like had I chosen differently.

Based on my past experiences, it seems no matter what I choose I will suffer in the end.

And I am being asked to consider something now. I hear, “Perhaps it is not the decision that you should be inspecting but the ideals and beliefs behind it?”

For one, the group – collective – One – does not wish suffering on anyone. Happiness and contentment should be something everyone has and there is no reason we all cannot have this. If we put aside our belief systems and ideals – the should’s and should not’s – then we will see only a decision and whatever we choose will be honored and accepted.

For me, I can see my judgment is very clouded. There are so many ideas and beliefs linked to it that I cannot make an objective decision no matter how hard I try. I know what I “should” do, but this is based upon how I was raised and what society deems appropriate. Can I toss that out? And if I do, can I live with my decision afterward? Can I accept the contempt and upset from those around me who still adhere to the ideals and beliefs of society?

What I want to know is what is it that I wish to learn from this? Why would I put myself in such a situation unless there was a lesson to be learned? Am I trying to see if I can be objective and throw out the unrealistic and often unfair expectations my family and society places upon me?

But isn’t that part of living in this physical reality? We are to live by the rules here and that is why it is a challenge, right?

What is obvious about this decision is that I feel that if I make the right one for me, the one I know I should go with even though I don’t want to, that my path will be clearer. I will once again be able to see farther in front of me. Right now it is like there is a huge hill blocking my view and so I can only see a few feet at a time.

I am told there is no need to rush into one decision or another. Each individual moves at their own pace and the timing is not yet right for the pace at which I am moving. There is still much to be cleared, as if I must pave my own path right now so that it will be stronger and more stable than it has been in the past.

It is interesting to me that I am not stressing over this. I guess I have learned a lesson or two in this life. 🙂

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Healing Work – Dream: My Painting

Behind-the-scenes work is being done and I am being allowed to remember it. This kind of work I am open to, but it has been a long time since I have done this kind of self-healing.

Dream: My Painting

My dreams last night were near lucid. In fact, in one particular part of a long dream sequence I recall being very aware very suddenly of walking down a crowded street. I remember wondering, “Where am I?” and seeing in my mind as I walked a map of the United States zoomed in on Louisiana.

The city I was in was large and there were people walking towards me. I looked at their faces as I walked. I remember thinking, “I am going to meet someone. I am going to meet someone”, but I had no clue who that person was, only that it was a man.

The street I was on seemed narrow and the buildings older than present time. I tried to wrap my mind around the situation but it was hard. I was dreaming and the dream kept overcoming me and my memories would seem to split into little mini-movie screens in my mind. I will recount what I remembered after I finish retelling this dream.

I made it to my destination which was a very tall, sand-colored building that stood much higher than the other very gray, concrete and mortar buildings of the city. It’s surface was smooth and it was shaped like a closed flower – a tulip or lotus – and the tip reached high into the sky.

I don’t know how I entered but the next thing I knew I was inside the building walking along the halls looking for the person in charge. I knew I was in a building of higher education, like an administration building but only in that the people inside monitored a large, intricate system of learning.

I met the man and we walked to hallways. He led me to an alcove where there was a curtain obscuring my view of something behind it. He said, “I still have your painting” and he opened up the curtains and revealed a large oil painting. I was relieved. They still had it. My painting. I looked at it but could only see small portions of it. It was as if it was divided into smaller paintings like a comic strip or story board. I remember seeing various scenes but none of them were familiar. All were in vivid color and depicted normal, daily life activities and important events.

The dream shifted dramatically then, as if I went into the painting but there was no experience of shifting. I was inside a small, barren, stone room with a man. He was older and kind of fat. I sat and knew I was a woman and dressed in clothing that is not of my current time period. It reminded me of the Civil War era.

He offered me a drink and I took the clear bottle in my hand and poured the amber colored liquid. I took a drink. I remember thinking I should not drink as I had a long trip ahead of me.

Then I was shifted again and I was the partner or perhaps mistress of this man. He abused me and I was complaining to someone about him. I remember that I was upset because he asked the servants to give me breakfast for dinner.

Then I was staring at him face to face. Both of us looked as if we had been beaten. Perhaps we had fought? I was allowed to leave, so I did.

The dream shifted again and I was walking in the woods somewhere higher in elevation than I had been. I was on the edge of a hill and slipped a bit which caused me to notice a man standing at the treeline. When I saw him, I went to him and the entire woodland area disappeared and a golden color replaced it.

I saw the man and embraced him and felt such desire overcome me that I could not breathe. I communicated without words to this man who agreed to be with me and I remember feeling his skin against mine as we embraced and kissed.

Afterward

I awoke with my root and second chakra blazing. I felt my guide close and heard, “Parallel life”.  Of course, I wanted to return to sleep, but it was too late. I asked when this life was and was told, “1868”. I knew it was in Louisiana so I thought, “Reconstruction?”

Confused for a moment, I thought back on my dream. I have re-experienced two lives that fit into this era. One in which I was a man in San Fransisco and another where I was a woman in the Midwest. I was confused because the time period of the dream fit with the life when I was a man, yet I clearly was not a man in the dream.

There were tidbits of something else intermixed with the experience. I remember discussing something prior to becoming lucid in the dream. I was in an office sitting at a desk and discussing things with a man both in person and via chat on a computer. I remember discussing a painting and him saying, “You were so into that painting that you worked on it for 10 years”. I remember seeing a painting in its entirety. It was a scene of some explorers looking down on a valley. There were five of them, only one was a woman. I remember the title had “America” in it, but that is all.

In remembering these things, I knew that I had been taken somewhere while I slept. It was like I went to a place of learning; a place where records were kept. I was shown my lives, like a review, and asked to consider the lessons I had learned and those that I had not let go of because of their connection with “human desire”.

The life where I was a man was a miserable one. I had been married and left her behind to go West. There I had very strong sexual urges and could not resist them. I continually “sinned” and then tried to drink away my guilt and shame. I ended up dying from my alcohol addiction a very sad man.

The life where I was a woman was after my life as a man. I had been molested by my father and ran away at a young age. I ended up prostituting myself. I experienced much inner conflict because I had not expected to enjoy my work – but I did. Every time I slept with a man I enjoyed it but I could not get the image of my father and his treatment of me out of my mind. My thoughts were that if I enjoyed sex then I must have enjoyed sex with my father, which I hadn’t and which had caused me much pain and suffering. So I rejected my enjoyment and desire because it was the only way I could deal with the conflict inside me.

Two lives with the same conflict under different circumstances. Why was I being shown this?

I know I have absolutely no desire for sexual connections at this time in my life. I feel a-sexual in a way. It just isn’t there yet in my dreams it is. When I saw the man in the woods (clearly my guide) the desire that I felt was intense, almost like a drug. When I awoke I thought of it and how such a feeling can really mess up a person’s life if they chose to give into it. Am I trying now, in my current life, to avoid making what I feel is a “mistake” by blocking all desire? Interesting.

I suppose it will be revealed in time. I do know that these two lives seem never to stop coming up. Sigh.

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Disengagement Brings Humility

So I guess you’ve all figured out that I have been having a huge freak-out these last few days. It’s unwarranted, really. There’s no reason other than that I was reacting to things not turning out quite how I would’ve like them to. This is a normal pattern for me. Too many losses in a short period of time and I shut down and my Ego takes over and throws a “tantrum”.

Big Fail

The biggest loss for me has been my business venture. Despite doing everything “right”, sales are very slow and I’m not reaching my goals. I don’t understand what I did wrong except that maybe I just chose the wrong product or maybe it is that too many people have discovered the business and so it is inundated with too many similar products. Whatever it is, I have accepted the loss. I am no longer as upset as I was, but I am disappointed for sure.

Too Many Expectations

I realized that I had too many grand expectations of what was to come for me spiritually once I left my job. I stupidly thought that once I eliminated the stress and wasted time of going to and from work, that it would free me up to receive more spiritual insight and have more spiritual experiences. I thought everything would kick into high gear and I would be “enlightened” further by Remembering more and connecting more intensely with my Higher Self.

How naive.

What it seems is really happening is the opposite. I left work and have more time but everything spiritually has come to a standstill, or it appears that way.

I also had a grand idea of what it would be like to teach my middle son. He has been anything but compliant. I have been having to bribe him to do “school”, which I have found is a big mistake. So I am changing tactics and so far it is working. We do “projects” together and he is much more willing to cooperate. I am finding he is much better at writing his letters than I thought and his big heart is what leads him to want to learn to do more. We spend a lot of time making cards for people he loves and playing games together. So different than I expected yet I am learning a great deal about my son and just how big his heart is.

This was what he made today:

jade

letter to jade

Sick and Disengaged

Instead of spiritual enlightenment I got a nasty cold. I am still recovering, but it is so much better. I only have a slight cough in the morning now. I realize that this illness is likely a result of incorporating the higher energies which involves much purging of the old. It is no surprise then that my Ego would throw a tantrum. It is a normal part of the process.

I forgot, of course, all of this, and so disengaged further from my Team of guides and assistants. To my Ego mind it was all “their fault” which further angered me and distanced me from them.

I stopped tuning in after waking in the mornings. Instead I was angry and withdrew. It was not that my Team was not there but that I did not want to listen or acknowledge them.

Suggestions

When I awoke this morning I was less angry and so more open. I heard instantly, “Nothing has changed but you”. I felt the energy begin to build in my back at my heart center and it suddenly stopped. Instantly I recognized that I stopped it. And I understood. They were always there; always are there. And really, nothing has changed in my life except my perception of it. It shut me down and cut me off from them.

I had heard them, too. I remember. I heard them say, “Do not resist” and I ignored them. I felt their energy many times over the past few days and I shut myself down to it. It was like I was trying to punish them – but it only served to punish me.

With this understanding I relaxed and began to accept. I was then instructed to resume my morning meditation and asked to do a type of fasting today – a liquid only diet where I drank my food. I can have dairy and veggies and fruits. This is only for today, so not a full-on cleanse and I am not completely sure why I am doing it but I will do it without resistance. I have been eating vegetarian with fish, but recently I made an entire dinner of fish with rice and veggies and when I ate the fish and rice they tasted “off” so I only ate the veggies while my kids scarfed down the entire meal. I should’ve known something was up then.

The message this morning was a reminder that right now I am learning to incorporate the spiritual into my daily life – it is learning to balance the two but its not what I had previously thought. The balance comes with continual tuning in throughout the day so as to not get swept up into the mundane which can completely shut off our spiritual lifeblood. It is like turning on and off a faucet. Right now I am being shown it is dripping, but what it should be a continual stream flowing in. To do this requires set breaks throughout the day where I shut off all distraction and tune in. It does not mean hours or even a half hour but maybe 5 to 10 minutes only. This should be scheduled in three to six times a day depending on the need. This is in addition to morning and nightly tuning in. These are not necessarily “meditation” breaks either. They are sitting quietly away from distractions (no phone, no t.v., no computer) and focusing on the third eye and heart at the same time, ideally in nature or near an open window so the sun’s rays can be felt/sensed.

With two very busy children this will be a challenge. I will see how it turns out today. I am told if I do this that I will notice my edginess lessening and my mind clearing.

It seems always that I take one step forward and two steps back. Time to step forward again.

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Dream: UFO 2067

I don’t know about you, but all this hoopla about the 11/11 portal has turned out to be nothing for me. In fact it’s been a big disappointment. I know we are in the midst of it right now but I have felt absolutely nothing energy-wise and even my dreams are nil.

UFO 2067

I only have one image from a dream last night, an image of a UFO with the year 2067 attached to it. I remember standing in my mother’s front yard looking up at the sky and seeing what appeared to be a structure composed of silver beams just floating there. What was odd about it was that it had no insides – it was just a bunch of beams and even the beams were ladder-like, kinda like DNA strands. I then saw in golden letters, “2067”. I remember telling someone who was with me the numbers I saw but I don’t know what they mean. When I awoke I assumed the numbers represented the year I would die and this angered me. I hope I don’t live that long! How awful that would be!

Refusal

When I woke I had all kinds of upset over my “mission” here on Earth. For some reason I woke feeling my mission is simply to live a normal, “quiet” life where I help random people here and there. How I help them is unknown, which I think is the worst part of it for me because I don’t get any validation or appreciation. I am okay with this mission but I am not okay with not having the spiritual experiences and connection, which seem to have dropped off to nothing since I got that stupid cold. I don’t understand why I can’t have these experiences and connection all the time? Why does it wax and wane so frequently?

I got out of bed on a mission. The mission was to make sure that I do not have to return to the workplace. I don’t care what my guides/Team urge me to do, they will not push me back in the direction of working in a system I do not believe in. And there are signs that money will be tight: my husband is a spender and has not been sticking to our budget, business is slow, and my husband keeps dropping hints that I should go back to work.

My husband and I had a talk this morning and I made it clear that I was not going back to work in my normal career. We discussed our budget and how to free up money. We are likely going to get rid of one of our cars and buy a cheaper one and I will be getting rid of my smart phone as soon as I can, which will be in February next year. If we can get rid of or reduce one car payment then my husband should have his “spending” money and so be happy for at least a little while. Right now he doesn’t want to lose his car (the most expensive of our two) so this may take some persuasion on my part.

No Idea What’s Next

Now I just feel deflated. I cannot imagine living until 2067 (that’s just torture!) or even to 2016 for that matter. Life feels tedious and burdensome. If this is what the 11/11 gateway or portal is, then I guess I am getting a good dose of it.

I am in a hurry to just get this life done and move on. In fact, I have felt this way for as long as I can remember! That kinda makes me laugh a little because time is FLYing by it seems. Yet when I am in the moment it seems to drag. Honestly, I hate that time exists. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

What comes next, I have no clue. I am tired of wondering/wandering. If I lost everything right now I wouldn’t care. None of it matters. All that matters is Home and getting back to it.

by

The Troubles

The Troubles by U2

You think it’s easier
To give up on the trouble
If the trouble is destroying you
You think it’s easier
But before you threw me a rope
It was the one thing I could hold on to

This song has been a theme-song for me the past 24-36 hours. I am not exactly sure what it means but it has been in my head two mornings in a row upon waking.

I am in the midst of another purge I think. It is not a huge one, at least not as big as some of the ones from the past. My energy, physically, emotionally and mentally, is low. I feel like it is being siphoned off throughout the day and by the end I have nothing left.

I feel once again DONE with life. I am fed up with this place and all the negative, heaviness that pervades it. So I have been asking to finish up and get out of here. I have been bargaining again with my guides. “Please just let me come Home now. I don’t care if I have to come back another lifetime to finish what I didn’t finish in this life. I just don’t want to do this anymore”. All I receive in response are Spirit hugs.

What bothers me the most is that I don’t have motivation at all. Usually when I am feeling like this I can find something to hold onto, some kind of hope that things will improve; some kind of change I can make that brings back that missing spark. There is nothing there. When I look into the future, to the “what if’s” I see only dead ends, paths I have been on before and don’t want to return to.

Dream: Finished

My sleep was fitful for the first half of the night. I didn’t feel I was resting and I don’t remember my dreams. This morning I recall only the end of one dream.

I was in a city walking towards a destination with a friend. The streets were paved with cobblestone. We parked (not sure where the car came from) and went inside. The teacher was an older gentleman and I felt we had been to his class before. I remember that I wanted to go hear him speak because it was a rare event, but I can’t recall what he was speaking about.

We were laying down to listen and I remember only pieces of this part. I saw candles lit and knew I was laying near a man. At one point I knew the covers had come off me, exposing my bare backside. I didn’t care but I knew the man was trying not to look and this amused me.

When class ended I somehow was the last to leave. It was like it had ended way earlier and I had been asleep or distracted so missed the dismissal. I went outside to find my friend and her car was gone. She later returned in it saying she had gone to get some pizza. She seemed to want to celebrate something but I didn’t feel like celebrating and didn’t want any pizza.

As I awoke I remember talking to someone. I was bargaining with them, saying I was done and wanted to leave this life early. As I grew more conscious I saw a piece of paper in front of me. It was divided into four parts and I knew these were elements corresponding to regions of the Earth and duties of those in these areas. I rejected this Plan and pushed the vision out of my mind. Then I saw a large word as if stamped on a paper in my mind. It said, “Finished”. It was in red ink.

Remembering

I can’t seem to shake this feeling that I don’t belong here and that I never have belonged. Right now this feeling is very strong. The more I Remember who I am, the stronger it gets.

I have been having flashbacks of this life, as if I am reviewing it again. My dreams are of my past again and of people who I feel I have wronged, though it is becoming clearer to me that it was part of the plan and my “wrongs” were purposeful for some reason.

I am also flashing back to my youth, to times when I had conversations with my guide without knowing that was what I was doing. One of my earliest memories of this is of me sitting on the ground because my stomach was hurting really bad. The silent voice told me to be still and it would pass. So I did and it went away shortly after. I don’t know how old I was (7?), but the memory is so vivid and I see myself as if outside of myself, sitting on the side of the concrete drive. My hair was short and I was so small but so very strong (and pig headed!).

There is another flashback to my teen years when the first longings for Home became unbearable. I remember conversing with someone. Back then I just thought I was just talking to myself. I was told how long it would be before I would meet “the One”. I saw 30 in my mind and it seemed so very far away, so far away I couldn’t bear it. So I prayed for someone to be sent to me, someone for the interim, so I wouldn’t have to be alone. He was sent when I was 17 and upon meeting him I knew I had a choice and I made it despite knowing he was not “the One”. I thought it would be better, but turns out I felt more alone than ever during that time.

Next Step?

Out of the blue yesterday, while feeling so very down and out, I understood that I would have to eventually go back to work. This saddened me because I do not feel the desire to return to the workplace. I feel unfulfilled there (there being in the education system) and want to do something different, but what that is I am not sure.

I saw a pattern in my life. A pattern concerning my career path. It felt like I was sent some place for a certain amount of time and then, when I was “done”, would be sent to another place. And so on and so forth. If I stayed too long at a place, a place where I was done, events would eventually push me to leave. The longer I stayed, the more difficult it would be to stay to the point that it would begin to start physically affecting me. This is clear to me now, but I feel the resistance inside me. A part of me wants to stay in one place, to be happy in that place. Yet I feel I am not programmed that way. I will always feel the need to move on. What is hardest about moving around so much is that I don’t know why I am at the places I am. It just seems like I am wasting time.

So I grieved in knowing that I would have to return to work, most likely back to counseling. It will just fall in my lap again. That is always how it works. I feel I want/need to work again and then presto it appears as if a gift in a little package.

I don’t like that I feel pushed this way and that in life, as if a string is tied to me that leads me where I am suppose to go. I feel like a puppet.