Author Archives

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The Trap of the Human Condition

Honey, all the movements you’re starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I’ve made
See it all disappear without trace
And they call as they beckon you on
They say start as you need to go on
Start as you need to go on

I awoke from an upsetting dream with this song in my head. The above chorus was the main part I heard, but I also heard:

You said I’m gonna buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for

The Trap of the Human Condition

The dream was disturbing because in it a father, who resembled Dwayne Johnson (The Rock), was selling his children to the sex industry. He had already sold his two youngest children and was in the process of selling his pre-teen daughter. I watched the process, disgusted but not interfering. It consisted of giving the girl money in exchange for seemingly harmless things and slowly increasing it to more and more sexual acts. This dream continued for some time but I will not go into detail here because it is disturbing.

I then walked to a black, wrought iron gate, and stood next to a young girl dressed in black (she was the same girl as before). I spoke to a group about the importance of education and the flaws of the system. Already perturbed about the sex industry experience I had, I was very insistent that the education system be changed. The first thing was to separate education from all sports and extracurricular activities, but specifically sports. This was challenged by someone and I explained my stance on the matter saying sports distracted from education.

I awoke with the above song in my mind and feeling very upset about humanity in general. I understood immediately that I was reviewing challenges of humanity. I was reminded of all the flaws that exist and became very upset and hopeless about humanity’s future. I was especially upset about the roles of the corporation and big business in their exploitation of the human condition. In fact, I became so disillusioned that I wished something to happen that would wipe out the human race almost completely so that it was forced to start again. I also did not want to be a part of humanity as the challenges are so high right now that the task of “saving” humanity seems outright impossible.

My Companion was close and I told him, “I don’t want to be a part of this”. I felt his understanding. I continued to be overwhelmed. I recognized that this reality was purposeful and that I was rejecting it and the thousands of lives it took me to get to this point. I felt I had failed the test of being human. I had allowed myself to become trapped by it.

The song continued to flood my thoughts:

And I know the mistakes that I’ve made
See it all disappear without trace

All I could think was, “Why?” He said to me, “We cannot know who we are without first knowing who we aren’t”. I thought about it and understood but it didn’t make me feel better.

We (humanity) are so much more capable than this.

Integration of the Old

These dreams are a continuation of a purging and integration process that has been on-going. I recognized my part in the dwindling spiral that has been humanity. But I am tired of looking at these things. It seems that is all I do in my sleep. Review. Analyze. Discuss. Repeat. Just when I think I have broken through all the impossible barriers created over many lifetimes, I seem to stumble onto more. When will it ever end?

I asked for it to stop. I am so tired of this process.

My Companion explained that I must integrate the Old completely. What I am beginning to understand is that this integration is not just of the old me but the old (3D) world as a whole. It is evident that this individual process I am going through is directly linked to the process the world is going through. The hopelessness, the despair, the feelings of overwhelm – these are being felt world-wide at ever increasing levels.

Considering the many thousands of years humanity has been on a downward spiral, the extent of time it will take to heal is in itself overwhelming. The end of this life will not see it healed. Sigh.

Sorry about the sombre post but this is where I am at today.

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Bear, John

The “dry spell” continues. Communication and connection with my Companion, guides and Team is almost nonexistent. I can initiate communication with my Companion and he will respond but he feels so very distant and the connection so weak that I wonder if it is real or if I am desperately making it up so that I feel better. Similarly, very few energy fluctuations are occurring. I only have occasional pulling and buzzing sensations around my head. These come and go and seem insignificant compared to past sensations. There is no indication that this will end, ether. Finally, there has been no contact with my Team/Council in some time. This doesn’t bother me, really, but it coincides with a cessation of channeled messages.

Last night I initiated contact with my Companion because I have been especially struggling this last week with low energy, lack of motivation, an overall hopeless disposition and an empty, disconnected feeling. I recognize that during this time I must travel this “road” seemingly alone, as it is my life to live. The tools have been given to me, I just need to use them. I try and feel I am doing much better than in the past, but it is so very hard to maintain the inner calm when I feel so disconnected from Source.

I was reminded to stay focused on paving a “new road” for myself, which I am doing with a new business venture. I recognize that if I want to change my life, I have to change my habits and step outside my comfort zone. This is especially hard and I feel like I am drawing straws. I heard a Christmas song in my head and the phrase, “Slow and steady wins the race”. The latter is in reference to me feeling I need to do everything all at once. I do not like having  a long “to do list” left unfinished, something this new business venture has me doing quite often while I tend to my children and daily family responsibilities. The former seems to be a reminder that the pay-off will be worth it in the end. I sure hope so.

Bear, John

Before bed I appealed to my Companion, asking for more connection and reassurance. It was granted.

I had a dream in which my mother told me that a teacher friend of hers quit his job unexpectedly. I remember telling her, “Sounds like he awakened”. She agreed.

We walked into a cafeteria-like setting where many older people were seated. I saw my mother’s friend but “he” turned out to be a “she”. She was short, probably only 5ft tall, and wearing a red robe. Her hair was cut short and she reminded me of a monk, except that she was female.

She invited me to sit down, so I did. She turned to me and then began to channel a message for me from my Companion. As she spoke, she was simultaneously drawing something on a piece of paper.

Her message is lost to me now but I recall the gist of it. The message was that I was not alone and to be patient. This break will not last forever. I am loved and cherished and forever connected to Source, even if I do not sense it at this time.

When the woman was finished channeling, she showed me what she had drawn. I saw a perfect portrait of the face of a man with a short beard and piercing eyes. She said to me, “Bear, John”. I remember seeing that the man had what appeared to be a large, grizzly bear blended into his hair, almost like a bear hat but the way it was drawn, the bear and the man were one.

I recognized, instantly, who the man was. I also recognized the significance of the bear.

I began to sob in the dream and could not stop crying. The crying woke me up and my eyes were still wet. I was aware of my Companion close by and my body was covered in loving energy. I felt to be wrapped in his embrace.

I connected hibernation with the bear and this made me sad. I don’t want to hibernate.

Prayer Book

Saddened by the message, I fell back to sleep and into another dream. In this dream I was walking through a library. A woman bumped into me and turned and said, “Excuse you” in a rude way. I got angry and began to yell at her, wanting to say, “You bumped into me!” but instead said, “Oh sorry, I tripped”.

I continued to talk, but quietly as if to myself, saying I was looking for a book my friend left me. I located it on the bottom shelf. It said, “Prayer Book” and was a small, maybe 8in square, and white and not very thick.

I sat on the floor and opened up the book. A woman was suddenly there with me and I told her, “A friend of mine left me a message”. I pulled out a hand written note tucked inside the pages. I do not remember what the hand written note said now. I just remember there was an entire story scrawled in ink with notes and pictures.

The dream ended and I awoke and knew the hand written note was Psalm’s 7.

Feeling sad still, I saw in my mind’s eye, “30 days”. This made me even more sad because I interpreted it to mean 30 days of “rest”. 30 days of feeling how I feel right now. If I have only felt this way for a little over a week, that leaves a very long time to go.

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A New Twist on Dreams

I had a string of very vivid dreams last night. I also slept through the night without waking.

Aftermath

In this dream I recall fleeing some kind of battle or war. I ended up in the mountains. I could see the valley below with a stream or river running through it. The colors are interesting here. The grass seemed tinged with blue and the terrain was rocky, colored in grays and pinks. It was as if someone painted it in watercolor. It did not seem like Earth.

I was with a group on the side of the mountain looking down. We joined another group who was struggling to survive. I remember helping them figure out ways to find food. The environment was harsh; going out at night very dangerous and during the day the only food was small, edible plants which were hard to find.

The group lived in a home with glass walls overlooking the valley below. I remember standing in a room looking down into the valley and discussing the plan of action: create snares in hopes of catching an animal. Problem was we would have to go out at night to set them.

We went out at night and this is when I remember seeing the tiger. It was stalking us. I yelled out in alarm and one of the group members lunged at it. The dream ended.

tiger

Crumbling Bathroom

This next dream was of a bathroom. I walked inside and it resembled exactly the bathroom I used in my mother’s house for much of my youth. It was in disrepair, though, the sheet rock exposed and crumbling about two feet from the ceiling. The pipes were leaky and there was a feeling that the whole ceiling would collapse at any moment.

I saw a woman – blonde, kind of overweight – and told her, “I’m not going in there. It is going to cave in any minute”.

I spent much of this dream analyzing why this bathroom was falling apart and how. I figured out that the whole floor had shifted down and caused the gap at the ceiling. I can still see the bathroom in such vividness. It resembled the bathroom before it was renovated – pink wallpaper and yellowing tiles. Very 1980s. It literally looked like someone was demolishing it piece by piece.

Walburg

This was the final dream. I was driving my ex-husband’s black, Nissan pickup truck. It was the truck we owned together when we were first married. I remembered it in every detail down to the custom made seat covers and gray dashboard.

I was going somewhere on a road trip. I recall entering a small town and thinking, “Something is going to happen”. I had a feeling that I could accept whatever happened. I could accept a delay and stay if need be.

I stopped in a parking lot near a creek. When I tried to turn the truck back on it made an odd noise and then nothing happened. The engine would not roll over yet the truck still had power and the radio still played.

I thought, “Great. Guess I am staying a while”.

An older man came up and asked me if I needed help. I said I did and he immediately began to look at the engine. I waited, fumbling with my clothes. I was not wearing any pants and was trying to find some shorts but they seemed way too small.

The man came around and told me that it was this piston-like thing that needed repair. He showed me a picture of the entire engine layout but it was too detailed for me to understand what he wanted me to look at. He said the part was inexpensive and that he would get it fixed. I was happy and thanked him.

I went inside the store I was parked at. There were rows upon rows of DVDs for rent. It reminded me of the old school rental places in the small town I grew up in. I knew though that I was in Walburg, not my hometown.

Up at the front counter I began talking to the clerk. Outside the window I saw buzzards jumping and fighting for scraps of some food. I pointed at them and looked out the glass door for a better view. There was this lone red hawk being bullied by the buzzards. I said, “Look! There is a hawk! They are trying to get him! He has a sharp beak, they better watch out!”. Sure enough, the hawk attacked and kept the buzzards at bay. I felt bad for the hawk, though. He seemed unable to fly.

I then noticed there were peach and pear trees all around the store. The peaches were ripe and I said, “You should pick those!” They were huge and looked delicious. We went outside and the clerk picked them. He gave me one and I took a bite and then ate the whole thing. It was so juicy!

I then entered this other building and a woman was behind a register. I browsed what appeared to be book but I don’t quite remember. There were two girls and one got in trouble and the woman was making her clean up a mess. I watched and the girls were passing notes. I intercepted one and read it. It said, “I love you” then in different handwriting, “I love you, too”. I was touched and told the woman who said, “Read the back”. I did, but can’t remember now what it said.

The last thing I remember in this dream was deciding I wanted to stay in Walburg.

A New Twist

Though these dreams are “normal” for the most part, there is a big difference here. Though I do not specifically remember this from a particular dream in this sequence, I recall seeing high above me two beings. They were floating and semi-transparent. They appeared gray, like ghosts, and we observing each of my dreams.

What is even stranger here is that I recognized one of these beings to be me. The other was my Companion.

It is very obvious to me now that these dreams were created for the other me, the one experiencing the dreams. The observer me was learning about the other me by watching how I reacted to the scenarios I was presented with. I recall the conclusion made by the observer me: I was not resisting what was being shown but accepting of and open to the lessons. I was noting symbols as they appeared. Symbols such as the tiger, the peaches, the buzzards, the hawk, the truck, the bathroom, the letter with the message of love. All of these things were noted by the observer and the experiencer.

Upon waking I knew what the dreams represented.

The war zone was a memory of some other time and/or experience. The bathroom was symbolic of the breaking down of my distant past; a healing of this time in my life. The Walburg dream is also healing of the past, specifically with my ex. I was wiling to accept this past and love myself despite the “mistakes” I made.

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Dream: Back to School

The “back to school” theme returns to my dreams. I wonder what I am missing? Why does this theme continually come up?

Back to School

In this particular dream I was returning to school and once again at the college level. Prior to going I was trying to decide what to wear, putting on different outfits. I wanted to wear white but the shirts I chose all had small stains on them. Eventually I just decided to wear one with a yellowish stain despite worries about how I might look. Unfortunately, it caused me to miss the school bus.

I entered the school building, walked up to a table of students and sat down. The teacher looked at me and raised her eyebrow. I knew she had not seen me in in class before. I had not been attending. My schedule had been changed and my 1st period was Dance. I watched as some of the students practiced their moves. I felt out of my element. I cannot dance.

I got up to use the bathroom because, well, I wanted to waste time since I knew nothing about how to dance. The teacher sent me a questioning look and I sent back a look that said, “I have to go”. I didn’t know where the bathroom was at first, but followed signs. Inside was a room full of technological devices. I found I was carrying a large speaker. I took it and sat down on it. Another student began talking to me. We had a conversation about singers and types of music. I said all music was the same and the student disagreed.

We were soon discussing genres of music and I was again at the table where my class was gathered. I suggested a project: We all listen to music completely opposite of what we normally do. I said, “For example, if you listen to Whitney Houston then you will listen to George Strait” My theory was that if you did this willingly then eventually you would enjoy the other music and see why others would like it. I was very excited about the assignment.

Class was over and we dispersed. I did not know my schedule and tried to locate it on my phone but couldn’t log in. I went up to the admin offices and asked a woman and she pointed up to the screen above her head which was of the campus website. She said it was there and told me to log in. I told her I couldn’t and she said try again. So I did, and got my schedule right away.

My next class was Economics.

Reluctantly I went to class. I sat next to the other students and noticed they were all waiting. The teacher was late. What is odd here is that we were all lounging about on sofas and cushioned chairs in a lobby area, not in a classroom.  I told someone, “I don’t like this class”. I was asked why and said, “Too much politics involved”. I also remember saying I had already taken it, that I could understand it but just didn’t like it as a subject.

When the teacher finally arrived he was older and very casual. Everyone liked him and I began to feel more comfortable.

Interpretation

When I woke up I immediately had the urge to quit my job. It caused all kinds of thoughts to materialize and I felt confused as to what to do. If I leave my job then what will I do for a living? What is it about my job I dislike? What can I do to perhaps try to resolve the situation without leaving my job? Which part of me wants to leave and which part wants to stay? What is the best decision?

When the thoughts went away, I began to hear Pearl Jam’s, Daughter. I awoke to this song about a week ago when having similar considerations about career. The specific part of the song: “Don’t call me daughter, not fit to, the picture kept will remind me”. Why was I hearing this song?

The dream above seems to indicate that I was struggling with a decision that affects my family’s finances. There is an idea that I have to “try something new” as indicated by listening to a new type of music, one opposite of what I would normally listen to. The speaker is indicative of me wanting to be heard.

The rest of the dream suggests that I am avoiding class – dance class being learning to let go and enter a new stage of life; economics being symbolic of money and money-related lessons in life.

Interestingly enough, “class” itself indicates a fear of failure.

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Changes are Coming

Things have been different since the 1st of July. I am different and things are getting stranger and stranger.

Instructions: Changes are Coming

I am being given instructions pretty much non-stop. I hate using the word “instructions” because really it is not that I am being told what to do. It is more like I have an urge to change that comes from within and is accompanied by a knowingness of the specifics of the change.

Not only do I know what the changes are and how to begin creating the changes, but I see glimpses of the final product – the final “changed” me. My reaction to this is satisfaction rather than rejection. I like what I am seeing.

This is a brief list of the changes I am being asked to make:

1. A complete overhaul of my diet. This is the message I received:

Reduce toxin intake by eating organic, grass-fed meats; organic, pesticide-free produce; limited canned items; no processed foods; no sugar or sugar substitutes; organic, grass-fed dairy products.

Vegetarian diet encouraged because meat contains toxins despite being organic and grass fed. Meat contains the cellular memory of the animal. This transfers to the one who ingests the meat acting like a “toxin” in its own way.

With this information also comes a strange repulsion of certain foods. For example, I was cooking ground beef (not organic), making hamburgers for my family. The smell of it bothered me and I kept feeling I should not eat it. I continued to cook it for my family, trying to ignore the weird feelings and repulsion I was having. I had no such repulsion when I cooked a meal of organic pork chops with all organic veggies.

Another example is that when I am eating meats I sometimes become sympathetic toward the animal I am eating. I see an image of the animal in my mind and feel I should not eat animals at all. Interestingly, after such a sympathetic reaction I saw a video on FB of a child crying about eating turkey, calling them “animal-people”, and I recognized this as a confirmation that my reactions to eating meat were purposeful.

2. With the strange repulsion comes a distinct dissatisfaction with my normal workout routine. I dread it and struggle to push through it. I feel inclined to stop and there comes with this a feeling that the way the body looks is not as important to how well it functions. Too much focus on appearance triggers the Ego and distracts from purpose. The focus is away from previous cycles initiated by the Ego. We are not the body, we are stewards of it.

3. Stop wearing make-up and let my hair be natural. I get messages like this when I look in the mirror and smile when I see my reflection feeling/thinking, “I am beautiful just the way I am”. I also hear my Companion ask me, “Who would you be had you not changed for others?” This comes along with a message to “Be yourself” and “strip away the lies”. In my mind I see myself glowing and radiant, wearing comfortable clothes and not caring what I look like.

4. Stay in my body as much as possible. OBEs are counterproductive and slow progress. I still want them and ask for them but am told they will be few and far between. I am told I will get information without going OOB. I do not need to leave my body to communicate with my Council. I will go “in-between” and this in itself will become more useful to me than going OOB.

5. Finish what was started. Though I am eager to get started on my path, I must complete the cycle of action that was previously started. In particular, raise my children and focus on family. Though this may seem to slow me down, I cannot proceed until it is done. Individual pursuits will be introduced but priority always is given to family. I will know when to move forward.

These changes will be gradual. To force them all at once invites frustration and slows progress.

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Dream: Ship Drop

Fitful night of sleep last night. I have been having tons of pulling/pressure in various locations on my head. It feels like a vortex of energy pulling and makes the hairs on those parts of my head stand up. I suspect this pressure is continued work by my guides to help me adapt to the Higher aspect infiltration.

Ship Drop

Lots of odd dreams but this one is the most interesting. In it, I was aboard a large, ship. It was so huge that two football stadiums could fit inside! I was led into an auditorium-type room with long tables horizontal to one another. It reminded me of a military mess hall. The walls were steel gray in color and made of metal. Everything seemed to have the same gray coloring as the walls, even the tables we sat at.

I was waiting, feeling a bit out of my element and not knowing exactly what was going on. I was sitting with a small group and there were row upon rows of empty tables. There was a small group of maybe five people. These were the only other people I saw and they were quite a distance away. Two of them were complaining of how they could not get together (sexually). They had just been reunited after a long time apart and wanted to get reacquainted but the rules were that we were to wait aboard this ship until we were dropped at our destination.

At this point it was as if I was receiving instructions about what was coming next. In my mind I experienced what I was being told, but in reality I was just sitting at my table, listening. What I saw/experienced in my mind was us stripping our clothing off – we had to be naked – and getting into line to be dropped from the ship. I then experienced a falling sensations and saw below me a group of islands comes into focus. I, with my group, landed in the water and then swam to the nearest island. When we reached the island I felt a sense of relief and happiness as the beach seemed to rise up and greet us.

I had questions: How would I make such a long swim? I then saw an inner tube materialize. I then said, “I will get sunburned”. There was no answer to that, almost like it was a ridiculous concern. I spoke with the person giving me the instructions about the “plan”. I knew the drop was to be over the Hawaiian Islands at the island of Oahu. Yet I did not pronounce the island that way. I said something like, “Ohapuana” or something like that. But our final destination was the Big Island but I kept calling it “Miami” for some reason and this confused me but I could not figure out why in the dream. There was a discussion about changing the drop location so we could get to the Big Island easier. I remember saying the name, “Rusty Boyston” to someone but I have no idea who he is.

We then lined up to prepare for the drop. I took a detour to the bathroom and rushed to rejoin my group. I worried I would be left behind or not be ready (naked) for the drop.

Then, I became semi-lucid and recall being taken to a room. A door opened and there was this strange, alien-looking creature staring back at me. I startled and then realized it was not an actual alien but rather a suit. It was a mottled green color and the helmet was very large and egg-shaped with a horizontal slit where the eyes should be. It reminded me of a scuba diving suit. I recognized it was only a suit and felt better. That is when I awoke.

Interpretation

I suspect this dream is a symbolic representation of instructions I received during sleep. The ship at first appeared to be a ship for water but the dream revealed it was a different kind of ship, one that flew. Hawaii is likely symbolic of the reward waiting for me at the end of my journey. The nakedness could be me feeling vulnerable but I think it is symbolic of the stripping away of all the old in preparation for the coming changes.

All in all, I feel the dream was answers to questions I have been asking my guides about what is happening with me and what the end result will be. There appears to be a link to E.T.s and my fear of them. I seem to be accepting their existence more and more.

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Putting Together the Pieces of the Puzzle

Much has transpired since the night of the 1st of July when I awoke disoriented and concerned from a strange energy phenomenon that I can only describe as an energy swap or exchange. In the time since then I have returned to my heart center and once again found the calm.

Soul Exchanges and Soul Braids

I have been talking about “walk-in’s” for some time, ever since the last major download I received brought the term to my attention. The confusion it caused me has been minimal, thankfully, and now I am fully understanding the purpose for the receipt of the term.

“Walk-in” is just a term meant to convey an experience that, for most, is very difficult to describe. It encompasses much more than simply one soul coming into a body when another walks out. This is the most commonly accepted definition of walk-in, but it can be misleading. For me, the term “soul exchange” (energy swap) makes so much more sense as does the idea of a “soul braid”. Source

I am still in the process of determining what exactly is occurring with me, but currently I feel to be of two parts – the Old and the New. This falls in line with the definition of a soul braid. I have, in fact, felt this way for a very long time and in the past was quite disturbed by my seemingly “split personality”. I have even had people close to me comment about the “other” me. It is my hope that this split version of me is soon to be dissolved and I have asked for this many times over the years. It is very difficult to live in opposition to yourSelf!

A major complication of a soul braid is exactly what has been my experience – the fight for control between the two aspects. It is a particularly difficult path. I have been aware of my other aspect since 2002. Contact was initiated because I had called out for help, and so help was given. I had no idea what it meant at the time and am just now beginning to piece it together.

What I believe is occurring with me right now is a slow integration of the two parts of me, with the final result being a switch completely and permanently into the New. So technically, what I feel is occurring is that the braid will become a complete exchange.

As I Remember more and add these pieces to the huge puzzle of my life, I will share it with you. Until then, this is what I have come up with so far.

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Questions Answered

My experiences from yesterday brought about questions. Tons of them. And lots of confusion to boot.

This is to be expected as the changes you are currently undergoing are quite intense. Internal structures are being broken down and built back up again. This tearing down of the Old is a necessary evil. Do not be disheartened. You are the Phoenix and will arise from the ashes anew.

Trust the process. Trust in yourSelf. This is not a struggle unless you want it to be. This is a manifestation of all that you are and is truly beautiful as you are beautiful in all your forms. These aspects of you are reuniting, re-identifying with the whole, Divine being that you are.

Your heart center is your center of operations now. The mind you cannot escape but you can quiet it, subdue it and control it. This is a terrifying prospect for the Old – all this appears as subterfuge and change to her – so she will likely give you quite a battle in the coming months as she continues to test the boundaries. In this we advise you to stay strong and persevere for that is the only way to come out of this experience victorious. Giving up now will only delay the inevitable whether to later in this life or into your next incarnation. Do you wish to delay it yet again?

Of course not. But why do you seem so distant to me when so recently you were close?

This is an illusion, of course. Do you not see that? Am I not here right now? Am I now a part of you at every moment, every turn? Have I not been there for you from the very beginning? From within and without we are One, we are every part of each other intertwined and whole for no part of you is not a part of me and no part of me is without you. You are not alone nor have you ever been alone and never will you ever be alone.

Do not let this illusion convince you to forsake yourself.

I am wondering about this “walk-in” phenomenon. Why is it that I feel I am one and what does it mean, if anything?

You are a walk-in. You yourself know this, stated this and understand it to be true. Whether it happened yesterday or twenty years ago is not of importance. What is important is that you are coming into yourSelf now, when in the past yourSelf was lost to you, caught up in the pursuits of the Egoistic mind of another You you allowed to take lead. In effect you have been ‘riding along’, waiting for the opportune time to take the lead and that time is upon you now. And so you know this, understand this in your heart and are trying to convince your otherSelf to go along with the changes you wish to impart. This is not an easy task and one that often takes many years to accomplish. To rush it is to overstep your boundaries and upset the Old to the point of rejection. Do you want this?

Of course not. So I have been sharing this space with the other all this time?

Yes. And more you will Remember soon, but be patient. The Old Remembers with you and she can only handle so much. Eventually she will resign herself to the Truth and concede.

I understand. Thank you.

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Remember

I meditated twice yesterday. Once in the afternoon and once prior to bed last night. While doing so, my Companion was close and communicative, helping me focus in on my heart center.

During the afternoon meditation I had several conversations, but almost all were lost to me upon coming out of my reverie. The only thing I remember hearing is something about the “Christ consciousness” and how I was not accepting or absorbing it. After this meditation concluded, my heart space almost hurt it was pulling so strongly. I also felt energy movement in my second chakra.

The evening meditation was quite different. I recall hearing some very profound things from my Companion but the specific wording is lost to me now. One of the messages was that I needed to communicate my true Self to others. I got with this message a feeling of “lack of fulfillment” and lingering fear. The message was clear that if I did not open myself up to new experiences, take risks and explore the multitudinous opportunities provided by the physical universe, I would not expand beyond my current position.

During this in-between state my Companion began to ask me what I felt when I focused on my heart. I immediately stated, “I am a walk-in” and there was no doubt in my mind. I said it a few more times, feeling it out as if I needed convincing of my own Knowingness. Memories flooded my mind, memories of when the walk-in could have happened. I became confused in trying to locate when this event occurred and asked to be shown what I had obviously forgotten. My Companion told me more was coming and that it would be “intense”.

As I lay in meditation I became distracted by an intense itch inside my left ear. If you have ever had your ear itch then you know how impossible it is to scratch the inside of your ear! This itching came about as soon as I put in my earplugs, so those were out the entire night. Eventually the itch went away.

When I finally settled down to sleep and began to drift off, I heard my Companion say, “Remember”. This brought me to full awareness and I asked him, “Why did you say that?” He said, “Remember who you are”. I was covered in wonderful, calming energy when he said this, and soon after drifted off to sleep.

Energy Swap

I awoke feeling disoriented and worried. I had memory of something that I cannot describe with any precision. This “something” seemed to be in my past but also seemed to have just happened. It is hard to pinpoint when the event occurred as it seemed to be something from the past but also to be happening in the Now.

Upon waking my Companion was close and I was struggling to make sense of the event, going over the memory of it in my mind but unable to fully process it. I will try to describe what I remember happening the best I can, but it is hard.

What stands out to me the most of the energy contained in this experience. I felt to be split into various parts but aware of all of these parts. There also was another presence that was pure consciousness like me, but separate from me. This consciousness and I seemed to change places – each part of me changed places with corresponding parts of this other consciousness. The experience of it was a swirling of energy and a shifting up and down and back and forth. It was almost as if I were being shaken very vigorously. This is unlike the vibrations I have felt as this was pieces of me shifting very quickly, exchanging energy and then shooting back almost like the protons, neutrons and electrons of an atom. In fact, the atom is probably the perfect analogy here.

My disorientation here had me frantically looking for reference points to reestablish my link with reality. I searched my memory and found myself quickly, which was a relief. Yet I was still very worried about what had happened and trying to figure it all out so that it made sense to me.

Remember

I was quickly calmed by my Companion and when I asked him what was happening this is what he told me, “In the inside, there is chaos. We will fix this and we will thrive. Remember who you are”.

When I heard this I felt odd. Again I cannot describe it but I will say that I felt urged to write down his message, which I did immediately. I then wrote down what I knew to be a “trigger” word – “Remember”. Knowing this was a “trigger” did not help me as I wondered, “Trigger to what?” No answer came but memories of all the times I have heard my Companion say this words and phrases containing this word flooded my memory.

“Do you not remember me?”

“Remember who you are”.

“I am the part that Remembers. You are the part that Forgets”.

“Remember”

Overwhelmed, I began to try and focus on something else, anything else. My body was the most obvious place to focus and I instantly recognized a shooting pain in my left ear. Interestingly, I knew the pain in my ear was related. How? I don’t know.

I then began to rationalize the experience as just a part of the ear pain. Perhaps the disorienting feeling was an upsetting of my body’s equilibrium? This could explain the feeling.

“That’s all it is”, I told myself. And with that, I distanced myself from the experience and fell asleep.

This morning I feel normal, though I think I have an ear infection, and the memory of what happened last night seems a dream. Yet I know it was not, is not. There is more, so much more, that I will not write it here as it would make the post too long and it is already way too long.

by

Questioning

My purification is soon to conclude and my Companion has moved in a bit closer, initiating communication with me in the evenings. There is a bit of a disconnect still ongoing and it was explained to me that I have shifted from a heart focus to a mind focus. I recognized this to be true and attempted to center in my heart but found it difficult as my mind continued to drift back to pressing issues that it seems not able to let go of this last week. In my exhaustion I eventually drifted in and out of sleep.

I also received a message that I would have more intense and dramatic dreams. As if to illustrate this point, during the first minutes of sleep I was awakened suddenly from a dream in which I observed the execution of several people. I saw their heads explode and it startled me awake.

I have had so many dreams last night that I am not sure where to start or what to focus upon so I will recount on the most recent of them.

It is Well

The last dream I recall was of me driving with a woman toward a destination I don’t recall. She stopped at her house on the way. I looked out the window and saw a very dilapidated house in disrepair. It stood out amidst the very pristine neighborhood it was located in.

I watched the woman go inside and attempted to peek in and see if the inside was like the outside. I got a glimpse of a modern, updated house and assumed they were renovating the place. The woman walked up to the window and looked out at me. What was weird is that the window had that tint on it that appeared like a mirror to all on the outside looking in. So I saw her as a reflection. I knew this was wrong. I shouldn’t be seeing her at all and this confused me. I did not think more on it and headed into the house.

Inside I saw a sparsely decorated space with sleek lines and mostly light pine furniture with no cushions. I headed into a large room where many people were gathered. The woman who had driven me to the house was in front of the group talking about plans and I was distinctly aware that I had walked into a church meeting.

The group began to sing and I joined in. They were singing, It is Well With My Soul. I knew the song and enjoyed singing it very much. I sang loudly and could hear my voice rise above the voices of the others. I felt wonderful.

The singing stopped and the woman began to talk about a fundraiser that was suppose to have been planned for Halloween. I was suppose to have begun working on it and I recall that the fundraiser was selling pumpkins. It was to start in September but I had not started working on it yet. I felt ashamed because it was August and I had done nothing.

The woman then explained to the group that it was a sin to have sexual relationships outside of marriage. I felt completely out of place at that point and began to leave. I was asked why I was leaving and I said, “I have three children. It is obvious that I have had sex many times” and I laughed.

As I attempted to leave I felt to be followed and began to look for my glasses. I picked up a pair on the table but the prescription was wrong and they were tinted. I was able to see more clearly than with my own glasses, though. I remember putting them down and leaving.

I began to question the dream at this point and started to focus in on the people who were all around me. I saw the faces of men and women, all strangers to me, and they were all looking at me like they were waiting for me to do something. I recognized that I was dreaming then and began to try and move into the crowd of people and take control of the dream. I began to feel myself moving back into my body. This is when I woke up, the song I had been singing still vivid in my mind.

Questioning

The dream seems to go along with how I have been feeling in life lately. I have been questioning everything that has been happening to me spiritual since last summer. A full year has passed and though I have gone through some miraculous spiritual changes, I still feel very much like I did last summer. There is an incompleteness and a nagging feeling that I am missing something, but I don’t know what.

I also have a strong desire to leave my job. I attempted to listen to my heart about it last night and when I recognized that it was in my best interest to leave the job, my mind took over and made it almost impossible to remain centered because it was freaking out. I seem unable to control my mind no matter how hard I try. Thankfully, a strange inner calm remains despite the mental pushing going on and this keeps me from overreacting and doing something prematurely. Every time I think I have made a decision about my job I get pulled in the other direction. I feel like a yo-yo.

It very much seems that right now the New me is working hard to control the wild, out of control horse (Ego, human personality). Right now, the method of control is merely holding back the horse while it lashes and bucks in an attempt to remove the intruder. There is not much else that can be done until the horse calms down and recognizes its attempts are getting it nowhere. Then, when the horse is calm and submissive, movement forward can be made.

So the message is clear that no decision can be made in my current state. I am okay with this. I can have either option available to me and recognize that I need to be open to possibility right now. Though I do not know what is coming up next, I have faith that all will work out as it is intended.