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HD Exploration: Gate 59-6, Melancholy and the Individual Channel of Inspiration

Not long ago – maybe two months now? – I went through a period of time where I was very sexual, or “in the mood”, more than I usually am. It lasted quite a while, maybe two weeks. My husband was very pleased because my normal sex drive has me in the mood maybe once a month, if that. Honestly, if my husband wasn’t as persistent as he is, three months or more would go by without me even thinking about sex. I’m just not interested anymore. 

During this odd occurrence, there was a post in one of my HD FB groups mentioning a transit that might contribute to some experiencing higher than normal sexual urges. Not a coincidence I’m sure! The reason for the sexual shift had to do with the channel of “mating”. Ha! I don’t normally have this channel activated. It have a hanging gate and my husband has the exact hanging gate. So, when together, our auras do not complete the circuit and that activation is not available to us. 

This is what the post said:

The 59-6 Channel of Mating is in the transit until Aug 26th, creating intense sexual emotional waves across the population.

There was an image showing the channels of the transit creating this effect but I couldn’t access it. 

The hanging gate I have is 59:

Gate 59 – Dispersion
Gate of Sexuality – Bonding and Intimacy Beyond Words
The ability to break down barriers to achieve union. The potential energy for a deep and fertile connection with the other resulting in a life creating union.

Gate 6 is missing from my chart AND I have a completely open Solar Plexus. So, in order to complete the circuit, I either have to find someone who has the entire gate (activated) or someone with a hanging 6. 

Gate 6 – Conflict
Gate of Friction – Feeling, Emoting, and Sensitivity
The fundamental design component of progress. The law that growth cannot exist without friction. The energy for producing life itself.

I have my own suspicions about this channel based upon my experiences. It isn’t the only sexual channel, but when I’ve met someone who has the other hanging gate and, together, we complete that circuit, sparks fly. I’ve not been able to do the charts of everyone I’ve connected with (physical or spiritually) but I think this channel is responsible for magnifying the K experiences I had with one individual in particular. He had the other hanging gate, completing the circuit for both of us. I suspect, for him, the effects were just as powerful and surprising as they were for me. I only wish that the above mentioned transit had created the same connection with my husband, but it didn’t even come close. 😦

Connection Chart – me and the individual mentioned above. The completed circuit is circled in black. You can see my hanging Gate 59 where it connects to his hanging Gate 6.

If you can remember, did you notice a shift in your sex drive during this transit back at the end of August? If so, please share!

Kundalini

There are other reasons for my lack of sex drive, but the biggest, most significant reason is the Kundalini. I’ve written about it before, but for those who’ve not experienced the erotic, blissful, sexually intense, orgasmic energy of the K, you might assume I’m making excuses, using the K as a reason to avoid a relationship issue that, for most, is HUGE. My husband assumes this, so I don’t hold it against you if you do think this way. 

Because I care about my husband and his own sexual “needs” (I honestly don’t think they are a need, but I won’t go into that right now), I do try and accommodate him as much as I can. The problem is, when we do have sex, my experience is down right pathetic. My body reaches orgasm but it is almost imperceptible compared to what my body is capable of achieving. It reminds me of when I was on antidepressants and I haven’t taken those is over two decades. 

The thing is, during those two weeks, this issue was nonexistent and prior to that it was not this bad, but since the two week period it is like my body is just numb. Everything is muted. So, where I was not interested before but could at least enjoy sex, now it is pointless to even try. 

I wouldn’t be concerned except that it was nice during those two weeks. I felt “normal” again and, though it was nothing like my dreams or my K experiences, it was better than nothing. Now I’m left wondering if I need to visit a doctor and get my hormone levels checked.

The only thing is, when I dream, this issue is nonexistent. If anything, the more sexual “dysfunction” there is in my physical boy, the more amazing my spiritual experiences get. 

Depression

I have also been very depressed for a few weeks now. Like below my normal low mood state. I’ve been so disinterested in life that I’ve thought I should go get some help, maybe get back on antidepressants. My husband would never allow for that, but I’m really tired of feeling blah all the time. I’ve looked online for someone who specializes in transpersonal therapy but have yet to find anyone that feels like a match. The one time I sent an email to a local person that seemed to good to be true, she never replied.

My guidance has been close, also, pointing out that I have unresolved issues from my past related to my heart connection and the debilitating pain that forced me to completely disconnect from my heart center in order to cope. Without help, though, I don’t know how to work through and heal this pain. My guidance reassures me that help is being provided. Since nothing has come to my attention in my waking life, it must all be happening in dreamtime. 

What I have concluded is that I am working through repetitive responses to the same pain in other lifetimes. The repetitive responses have been – kill myself or lose interest in life and die feeling unfulfilled and numb. So far, I’ve avoided the killing myself part at least, which at the time of the debilitating pain, felt much too close for comfort! I’m currently struggling with the second tendency.

The lesson is an extremely difficult one. I can see clearly now why my heart connection did what he did. He was very much a catalyst, not only for the K, but also for putting me on this all too familiar path. I am suppose to pick myself up by the bootstraps and move on with my life, to take the experience and transform/transmute it. 

Currently, I am faced with the numbness – physical, emotional and spiritual. My dreams are my only reprieve, but when I inspect what few memories remain, the numbness is a relief in comparison! I wake up begging to be freed from this prison (life in this body). My guides have challenged me to stop requesting it, to control my thoughts regarding such requests. My request will not be granted. So far, I’m doing better but it is very hard when I wake up feeling so discouraged day in and day out. 

In regards to my feeling discouraged, trapped, stuck – all the time – there is a reason for this, also. Sure, there is a past life karmic reason, but there is also a design reason (as in Human Design). 

Melancholy and the Individual Channel of Inspiration

I’ve always tended toward melancholy. Interestingly, it is written all over my HD profile. My only defined channel, the 1-8, is an individual channel. This is what it means to be individually defined in HD:

People with individual channels are primarily interested in themselves and acoustically oriented. They are often freaks and cannot be labeled. It is most difficult for them to get integrated into society, into groups and tribes, because they are lone wolves and need to spend much time alone, not influenced by the masses. They are so to speak the agents of evolution, who should bring something new, a mutation to the collective and society to ensure the survival and development of the human race.

They don’t like at all to be told what they should do, and thus they are uncontrollable and “deaf” to the influence of others. The reason for that is that they should bring fresh wind to the dusty old things, instead of perishing in the homogenized world.

Their being is accompanied by the deep melancholy that is the foundation for creativity and innovation, as long as they don’t give any reasons to this melancholy and don’t try to avoid and evade it. Melancholy is often accompanied by the feeling of not moving forward in their lives, of being stuck and that nothing moves in their life. When people with individual channels allow themselves to share this melancholy and to accept the permanently recurring limitation, then they can access their power and bring creative and mutative empowerment to the society and the collective.

Source: https://humandesignsystem.co/en/36-channels-of-the-human-design-chart/

The bold parts are me in a nutshell. I struggle to see how melancholy is the foundation of creativity and innovation, though. For me, my depression doesn’t seem to lead me anywhere but to the same; therefore, I feel stuck all.the.time and am plagued by a strange restlessness that is only lessened when I get out of my mind. This is mentioned above, too – “as long as they don’t give any reasons to this melancholy and don’t try and avoid or evade it.” I’m working on this part and slowly getting better at it, but it is difficult!

When I had my HD Foundation reading, my wonderful analyst, a 5/1 Mental Projector, was very nice about giving me the “bad news” related to my design. Despite her putting a positive spin on everything, ie. my design is “very specific”, I’m “special” and have a very “defined purpose”, I could perceive her deep sympathy for the down-sides of my design. I could almost hear her thinking, “I’m glad I’m not her.” 

The truth is, I’m meant to walk this life alone in my melancholy. Few people will call me out to share my wisdom and even fewer will acknowledge and truly “see” me. On top of all this limitation, those that do call me out, will seek to possess me and keep me for themselves, desperately clinging to whatever it is they feel I can give them. So I end up feeling deeply rejected by almost everyone and then, when I finally feel hope at being seen, when I’m finally called out, I find myself desperate to get away from the clutches of a person who fails to truly see me. So often in relationships I end up fighting against the cords of attachment, wanting only freedom to be myself without the constant expectations and projections of the Other. 

Recently, I’ve realized that even those who I think truly do see me – don’t. Currently, I think my mother comes the closest to truly seeing me, but then she has had my whole life to do so. When I have been “seen” by others, I find they only see those parts that suit them and what they are seeking. Therefore, the sense of being seen is short-lived and when it passes, I am left feeling once again unseen and the other ends up blaming me for their inability to posses me. I am labeled and stored in their minds, put on a shelf and forgotten.

Here is something I found online that explains the 1-8 channel very well:

This is a Life Force that can shine out in it’s individual expression in such a unique way you can stand out in any crowd.

It makes you incomparable. Whether it is through your beautiful artistic expressions or your eccentric peculiarities, you are designed to embody who you are in everything you do.

There is only one way for you in this life and that’s your way. People can be deeply impressed with your ability to live differently to others. You can be such an inspiration to others by simply being you and doing things in your own way. You can help empower others to do things in their own way and break out from the homogenization that currently infects human behavior.

This is not an energetically powerful Life Force. You are not designed to show your difference until you are invited to do so. 

It’s important not to try to push your way onto others. You are here to present yourself to others in a way they can accept your mutative and new contribution. You can be a trendsetter because of your uncommon style and attractive manner.

Your natural ability to present may develop into solo performances if you have dancing, musical or acting abilities. Yes, you may have to train with others but you will soon stand out as someone special and once you are the solo star everyone can admire your unique style.

TOP TIP: Trying to dance to someone else’s tune or fitting yourself into behaving in a way that does not suit who you are will be intolerable to you. Whatever they’re paying you it won’t be enough!

Another thing to bear in mind, is that you are going to have to go through a process of learning how to communicate with all kinds of people. This is not in-built with this Life Force and unless you have other Life Forces in your chart that can compensate, you will probably have to learn the hard way.

Your presentations will always be unique to you. Weird and eccentric can get you noticed, but if you wish to live an expanded life, then you need to wait to be invited for your moment to speak or show others what you can do. You can be so amazing, but you are also an ‘acquired taste’. Not everyone likes fresh new ways of being and those who are deeply traditional are unlikely to appreciate you. You have a strong sense of identity but you become bolder and truer when others are encouraging because they are delighted by you.

If you lead by example, others may follow you, but you won’t be leading them, you’ll simply be yourself. You may mix modalities in an unusual and creative way if you are an alternative health practitioner, you may have a quirky voice that makes you a fortune as a performer, you may bake cakes that are so incredible that a company forms around you and a whole new specialist business comes into manifestation.

If you’re not being recognized for you uniqueness, then you are either in reaction to some past trauma that has conditioned you into being a recluse, or you are simply in the wrong place around the wrong people for you. Source: Reddit.com 

So, it seems, there is no escaping how and who I am. I am this way on purpose. This body, its design, is purposeful. The sooner I accept it, the better. It is a hard pill to swallow!

References:

Bunnell, Lynda and Ra Uru Hu. (2011). The definitive book of human design. Carlsbad, CA. HDC Publishing.


 


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My Mercury Retrograde Problems

Thank God Mercury is no longer retrograde!

If you think it nonsense, that’s okay. Most of the time, for me, Mercury retrograde doesn’t put a dent in my life. This time around, however (and last time), I wanted to wave my white flag and plead, “Mercy!” 

Dates of Mercury retrograde in 2021:

January 30 to February 20
May 29 to June 22
September 27 to October 17

I can’t recall any issues the first go round. If there were, they were minor enough that I didn’t notice. 

In June, when Mercury last went retrograde, my work computer abruptly died – hard drive failure. I lost everything that wasn’t saved to our server. This was right at the tail-end of the retrograde, too. No biggie really because I was heading to Costa Rica and wasn’t going to do any work that first week anyway. I don’t remember any other glitches from that time. 

This most recent retrograde has been non-stop issues. The issues started before retrograde and just kept going! Here is a list of what I remember (I may have missed some minor hiccups):

  • My company had an email outage at work in early September (before retrograde) that resulted in three weeks of important emails going to my junk folder. I only discovered it last-minute (Sept 30th) and had to hurry up and enter 50+ invoices into the monthly spreadsheet I’d already created. Despite several corrections, the emails kept going to junk. It has only just now seemly resolved on its own.
  • My remote connection set-up had to be reconfigured around this time, too (can’t recall why) and this put a pause in my work but it was short-lived. 
  • Server outage mid-retrograde resulted in an inability to work for several days. As the server was being replaced, the internet went out and caused a delay in server replacement. It was like my computer crashed all over again – all programs had to be uploaded again and I had to wait for certain important programs because of delays.
  • My remote connection suddenly stopped working again(this was last weekend). Nothing our IT guy did worked. I was forced to go into the office to get my tasks done. Only yesterday was the problem resolved. Apparently a Norton and Windows update that happened at the same time created the problem. 
  • Internet outages at work all through the retrograde. Some lasting only hours, some lasting days. 

Apart from the above work issues, I also had other hiccups, also computer/technology related.

  • My daughter had $20 and asked me to buy her an online expansion pack for The Sims 4 (her favorite game). I bought the pack only to discover I had to buy it via her account, not mine and she couldn’t access it. So, I ended up on the phone for a long while waiting to talk to some guy from India who I could barely understand in order to get a credit. In the end, it worked out, but not without a lot of cussing and upset. 
  • My daughter wanted a Halloween costume only found online. She showed me where to buy it and when I clicked the final button it showed the wrong shipping address! Oddly, when I paid with PayPal it used an address from over 7 years ago!! The website had no way to edit or cancel the order so I had to wait on the phone for over 30 minutes to talk to a customer service rep who was brand new at her job. She kept typing in my address wrong but eventually the address was changed and the costumed arrived yesterday without issue. She is going to be Queen Elizabeth II.
  • At lunch, just yesterday, when I paid I added a $2 tip only to discover on the final screen that somehow I gave a $200 tip! OMG! LOL Thankfully, it was an easy fix, but geez! This happened in the “shadow” of Mercury retrograde.

I’m not sure why this retrograde was so eventful but, where once I just shrugged off Mercury retrograde, now I’m paying closer attention. The lesson, for me, has been to take it all in stride. I was driven to frustration and even tears from some of the issues I encountered, but every time things worked out. 

Anyone else experience significant retrograde effects? Please share so I don’t feel so unfairly targeted. 😉

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Dream Reminder: Integration Still In-Process

Sharing from my Walk-In Life blog.

Dayna's avatarA Walk-In Life

A recent dream brought with it a reminder of the walk-in process.

Dream: Arranged Marriage

In the dream I entered a room where it felt like I had been gone for a while and was reuniting with family and friends. It was a very clean, open space with folding chairs and tables all white and various shades of gray. It reminded me of the inside of a school or other facility that was meant for large groups to gather.

A woman met me along with some others, their faces all blurs in my memory. A tiny, doll-like baby was presented to me. She was adorable but some sad news came along with her. She was born alongside a twin who died at birth. This caused me to feel incredibly sad and I began to cry. As I cried, I looked at the baby who was oblivious to the fact that…

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Kundalini Dream: Sneaked Kiss

Slept really well. Again. I’m really enjoying the good sleeps I’m having lately. They are the kind where I don’t recall many dreams but when I wake I feel drugged and can easily fall back to sleep and linger in bed in the morning falling into the in-between or into “daydreams”. I feel well rested when I finally get out of bed, too, which is an added bonus.

This morning I was slowly waking from a dream, talking to someone in a bookstore about where I had bought the Clan of the Cave Bear series. I told her, “The I-Computer Store”. As I woke, I was seeing the store – isles upon isles of books. I was repeating the name of the store but woke up because the name I was repeating was not the store name. I was saying “I/Eye Center Storm”. Immediately I knew it was related to yesterday’s post where I mentioned feeling to be in the “eye of the storm”.

Speaking of yesterday’s post, I wanted to share the Kundalini dream I mentioned in that post.

Dream: Sneaked Kiss

I awoke around 4am not in a good mood. I wish I remember why I woke this way, but I don’t. Fell back to sleep quickly and entered a dream.

The scene I came into was familiar and felt like my mom’s house except it wasn’t. So wherever it was, I was comfortable there. There were many others present. Though I didn’t recognize them specifically, it felt like I knew them all.

There was a discussion on-going about a prepared drink. I remember being in a circle of people, then. We were positioned on plush chairs and daybeds. There was a pool and hot tub in the background and lots of background noise. 

This is when I spotted K. I stared at him from where I was, directly across from him, momentarily and then looked away. The discussion continued but it is mostly lost to me except that it was about a specific drink. What I recall about the drink is that it was being prepared and so we were all waiting. 

Somehow I ended up across the circle of people near K. He was telling everyone about the ingredients in the drink and mentioned one ingredient was a gnat – a giant one like the size of a softball (minor inconvenience becoming major). I recall seeing it in my mind. It was large and green (healing, heart chakra) and its wings so tiny they were almost undetectable. It didn’t look like a gnat and I said something about how I would be fine without it in my drink. K reached out his hand and touched my hand lightly, holding his hand there long enough to catch my attention. I remember worrying someone would see, but everyone was so caught up in what they were doing so no one noticed.

At this point, K reached over the top of me to grab something. He ducked his head under his arm, which shielded what he was doing from view, smiled at me and snuck a quick kiss. I believe he also said, “Stay”. In my shock I froze, again nervous someone would see, but no one did.

We lay there together, hip to hip, for a while and no one noticed our closeness. There was this electricity in the air. It filled my entire being with nervous anticipation and a sense that what I was feeling was not allowed. I could sense that he felt the same.

Eventually I began to feel the need to move away. We were so close that it felt like we were one person and I decided to get some distance. When I did, he resisted but I still broke away. I turned back and saw him smiling, his blue eyes blazing and compelling me to stay. It was too much and I couldn’t resist the pull of him. My decision was made: I didn’t care if anyone saw or knew. I fell back toward him and told him I wanted to stay with him. He smiled down at me and lightly brushed my lips with his own. For a moment he just stared at me, as if purposefully lingering to draw out the moment. Then he kissed me, his energy calm, protective and accepting, wrapping around me like a hug. We kissed again but the energy was too much. My heart was lighting up, the bliss burning a hole straight through my very center, and the intensity of it ultimately woke me.

After

I woke up in shock, my heart pleasantly warm in my chest. It was concerning to me that I had the dream. I had not intended to dream of him. Was this a preparatory dream? Or was it merely a method my guides were using to help clear the blocks in my energy?

The warmth in my chest was welcome, though. It has been so, so long since I’ve felt the heart bliss. Even though this was not full-on, it was enough that I reveled in it a while, sinking into it as the bliss of it spread. 

I cannot help but put together the sequence of dreams that has led up to this. First, they were sporadic and friendly, with long conversations that remained with me upon waking. Real enough that I wondered if he, too, were having the dream. Then, the dreams began to include sparks of the Kundalini. Some were blissful, loving and accepting, as if we were comforting each other. Some got intense enough that I awoke completely overcome with the K. Still, though, many months would pass between dreams. Long enough spans of time that I would easily forget such dreams ever occurred. 

I never quite know WTF is happening with these kinds of dream encounters. I’ve opted to not seek significance or meaning in these dreams. Jumping to conclusions is not recommended. Seeking to remain the Observer is advised. I’ve accepted that I’ve been allowed to glimpse the Beyond, the space where We come together as our Higher versions and play out scenarios that may or may not seep “down” into physical reality. It may even be that these scenarios occur on some other timeline and so the “memory” is then recovered or “jumps” to this timeline.

What I do know for certain is that thought creates reality. So, I must be careful with my thoughts. As my guides have often reminded me, I am “a great manifestor”. I’ve had enough experiences now to know the truth in this!

When I inquire of my guidance, “Why is he appearing in my dreams”. They answer with, “You called him.” Of course, I did no such thing (consciously)! But it is possible.

I Knew with my “twin” that I “called” him. He said as much in our earliest encounters in dreamtime. In fact, one OBE still stands out to me. I recall standing across from him, my heart and root both blazing, asking him, “What are you doing here?” He stated with a big smile, “You called me.” I also realized I had indeed “called him” at a much later date, via my internal dialogue and constant questions of “why?”

So, rather than feel these dream encounters are “happening to me” and out of my control, I should instead asked myself, “What do I want?” Honestly, I love the dreams and would be happy just continuing to have them. The Kundalini “fire” is a marvelous thing. The problem is, when you play with fire, someone always ends up getting burned. And I seem unable to resist playing with that damned fire. A spark is never enough. If I am honest, all I want is to be consumed by the fire. Completely. So, I guess what I want is to not pull anyone else into that fire with me. I’m happy to do it alone. But is that even possible? IDK.

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A Little Update

So much is going on but at the same time so little. I know, but that is what it feels like. In the past, I’ve called this feeling the “eye of the storm” because I feel like I am standing in the middle of a hurricane watching everything and everyone struggle around me but I remain unscathed. It’s not that I’m not affected – I am – but only because I choose to be by my concern and love for those around me. Yet, regardless of how much I want to make an impact upon others in order to help, I find myself powerless to do so. What actions I do take seem to have no effect. The feeling of powerlessness in itself is upsetting and has the potential to create an inner storm, and it does, until I recognize it and center myself.

Family Drama

An all too familiar family issue has been rearing its ugly head. It’s my sister. Without going into too much detail, she and her husband have gotten themselves into a little legal problem, as in they now have warrants to contend with. As is usual with me, my dreams alerted me to the problem and I reached out and messaged my sister. She then unloaded it all on me. I think she had been holding onto it for far too long and the opportunity to let it all out was too tempting to resist. Knowing better, I got involved and tried to help, actually sending her money twice, in hopes that she would make the right decision and handle her problems responsibly. In all I contributed $400 in an attempt to help my nephew stay in his school. I thought I might have persuaded my sister to do the right thing but she turned to her husband who changed her mind and they fled north. My sister told me they are planning to leave the state. They are running but I know eventually their problems will catch up with them.

My mother has been negatively impacted, as usual. This past weekend I had the idea to go visit her. When I arrived, she hugged me and said, “I knew you’d come. You always know when I need you.” Surprised, because I had not perceived it that way (but she is correct, I do sense when she needs me), I asked her what was wrong. She told me she had gotten nasty texts from my sister’s husband. He had gotten my sister’s phone and read all her messages. I don’t know what he read but whatever it was made him angry. We talked for a while about their predicament and I figured he felt safe with all the distance between him and us that he decided to “burn bridges”. My sister, on the other hand, continues to message my mom but her messages are disjointed and, as usual, she asked for money. Sigh.

My mom says when she gets texts or communication like she did from my BIL, she becomes weak and almost falls down. My sister creates the same effect. At her age, she doesn’t need that kind of stress! I want to make it all go away. I wish I could fix things. It seems my lesson is to let it alone. I am here to observe and help when invited by being physically and emotionally present. 

Sacroiliac Joint Pain

Maybe it’s stress, but along with all of the above I hurt my back. I don’t think it’s serious but it has been a PITA (literally). At first it was bearable but then I had a deep tissue massage and it actually aggravated the problem. After the massage it flared up to the point that I had to lay in bed with a heating pad and/or ice and take Ibuprofen. At first I kept exercising because movement helped but always after I cooled down the pain and stiffness would return, sometimes worse. At the most the pain was a 5/10, which isn’t too bad.

My guess, based upon my research, is that I’ve inflamed my sacroiliac joint, most likely by the CrossFit I’ve been doing lately (high impact, heavy weight). When the SI joint is inflamed, the pain is made worse by prolonged standing or sitting. For me, standing exacerbates the pain. I feel the pain in my upper glutes more than my back. It’s a deep seated aching that is not relieved except by movement. For some the pain to be felt down one or both legs or the lower back, but I don’t have those issues. The pain is often misdiagnosed as Sciatica, but SI joint issues do not cause weakness. 

When I told my mom about it, she said that is the joint she has degeneration in and causes her issues. So it may be hereditary. 😦 The best thing I can do is stop lifting weights, stay active, stretch consistently and listen to my body. It should go away on its own. 

I’ve taken this whole week off of weight training. Bending down to pick up anything over 5lbs causes my my sacral area to hurt. I feel old, especially when I wake up in the morning. My entire posterior chain is stiff. 😦 So every morning I do 10-15 of yoga after I take Monty on a walk. Later in the day I do 30 minutes of low impact cardio. It’s working!

The sacroiliac joint is connected to the root chakra. Based upon my dreams of late, it appears that I’m working on that area, as well as other areas linked to survival and security. 

Dreams

My dreams have been bringing up emotion quite frequently, specifically fear and avoidance. My guides sometimes make an appearance, asking question and creating spikes in lucidity in order to make remembering the encounters easier. 

The other night the dream I had was about recognizing when to take action based upon the signs received. In that particular dream, I witnessed a roof begin to crack and the metal sheets slid down to reveal two separate houses under one roof. At the end of the dream I said to my guide, “I can’t ignore the signs anymore. It is clear this is no longer my path.”

I’m also having dreams of various meetings with people I know in real life (online and in-person). The emotion and energy of the encounters are muted in my memory but when I wake I know the energy connection was substantial. It feels like I am doing quite a bit in dreamtime but I wake up almost devoid of the specific memory. All that’s left is residual energy and a suspicion that something significant occurred. 

Sometimes I remember the dreams vividly and of those times I’ve wished I hadn’t. The dream encounters are consistently with the same person, on average 1-2 dreams per month. Initially the dreams were friendly, but now they almost always involve Kundalini energy. The most recent one ignited my heart with bliss, something I have yet to experience with this person in dreamtime. The heart bliss is my all-time favorite of all the K energy. I’m a little worried about the pattern I see arising, especially since this person is someone I interact with on occasion.

The other night I spent quite a long time talking with a woman amidst various dream scenes. I was awakened by her voice and an vivid image of a middle aged woman with thick, blonde hair. She was telling me that what I am seeking will be found and as I became more lucid, I interrupted her message with my own Knowing. Even though what I was being told was mostly positive and should’ve brought me hope, I woke up crying. 

After I returned to sleep, I found myself in a dream scene with the same woman. Our conversation continued but I kept fighting sleep in the dream, sluggish and unable to “wake up” within it like I needed to. Despite my struggle, I still recall enough to know that I was being counseled. There were emotions present that I felt fully to the point that I became overwhelmed. These emotions were not mine, though, and I recognized this. I felt the woman’s intense purpose and desire. I felt her intention, her love, her guilt, her pain. She invited me to join her on her path and I told her, “I can, but not for long. Your path is not my own.” She questioned me on what I was feeling and when I told her I became wistful and overwhelmed at the same time. I want to feel the emotion but it is more than I can bear and I told her, “I’m not use to feeling so much. I don’t know what to do with it all!” I desire to feel more alive, and the emotion creates such a zest for life, so I embrace it. Yet at the same time I am fearful of it because I become paralyzed by it to the point that all I do is cry. To feel so much makes me feel inadequate to the point of a failure because I cannot cope except to let the emotion overpower me.

Human Design

Because of the energy dynamics in my dreams and the questions posed by my guidance over the span of a couple of weeks, I am thinking more and more about my HD chart. Specifically, how limited and specific my chart is compared to other charts I’ve seen. The overwhelm I have at encountering lots of emotion is likely a direct result of my lack of definition. When I meet someone who has more definition, especially those with lots of it, the amount of emotion I experience is much higher than I do when not influenced by their aura. If the person has a defined emotional center (solar plexus) it is even more intense, like blow me out of the water intense. 

My mother is one of these individuals. She and I, when our auras interact, have a 9-0 relationship, which means all centers are defined. She is an emotional MG, the most intense you can get. My daughter is also an emotional MG. I find the emotion of both of them quite overwhelming and have to walk away in order to avoid being swept up in it. When either of them gets highly emotional, I find myself following suit and it can create quite the upset if the emotion is negative. However, when the emotion is positive I am deeply attracted to them/it and enjoy being swept up into it. All in all, their emotion feels like my own but the truth is – it’s not. 

I have struggled my entire life with trying to differentiate between my own emotion and the emotion of others. My typical emotional state is very flat compared to others – in general. It’s not that I can’t feel emotion of my own, but that I can be very disconnected emotionally. This can often cause others to think me incapable of emotion. To someone who is very emotionally defined I can appear callous and cold, uncaring and, as my daughter puts it, “mean”. But, I can also be extremely compassionate, caring and sympathetic when I want to. This part of me comes out most when I around someone who is feeling sadness, grief, or depression. I tend to be coldest when a person is venting, raging, angry, pressuring or critical. 

So, my discussion about emotion in my dream brings me to conclude that my HD is teaching me how to gauge emotion, my own and others. I have a completely open emotional center, so when I feel, I feel it ALL. It literally sweeps me up, devours me entirely and then drops me all at once leaving me wondering WTF happened. And it is VERY overwhelming at times. There is no avoiding that. The way to cope with all that emotion is to let it flow through me without being the effect of it. Completely OPEN in HD is like a spigot without a shutoff. Trying to shut it off won’t work. BUT, if I remain neutral, letting the emotion flow by as I observe, then I can manage without being swept away by it all. 

It is clear to me why I chose my husband as a partner. His HD is very similar to my own. He only has one more defined center – sacral – and he is an MG, but not an emotional one. So we are both very flowing and fluid. The emotion I feel from him, while it can be intense, is tolerable because, oddly, it feels self-created, as if he is playing a role he thinks he should play. The drawback, however, is that without emotion that has definition, it can get quite boring. So, I am choosing boring and predictable because at least I feel in control versus feeling totally controlled by the emotion otherwise. Someone with definition takes the lead when with someone without definition.

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Dream: Remembering Him

Many emotional dreams lately. Here is one from this morning.

Dream: Remembering Him

I situated myself on my back without a pillow and put the pillow over the top of my head and rested my hands there. This position tends to bring on lucidity and K energy, especially lately. 

I found myself in a small garden. This one was newly tilled and unplanted. I was excited to be there and pointed to some mounds in the distance asking if anything had been planted there yet. The woman with me told me it had not and I said, “Good! I want to plant some squash.” I knew it was not too late because it was the month of May and squash did well in the warmer weather.

It took me no time to get to planting and I began by pulling out what looked like weeds. What they turned out to be were various veggie plants that had grown from the old plant left from the previous season. I pulled up a part of a broccoli crown that had roots shooting out of the tiny green “leaves” of the top. This pleased me and I told the woman I would replant it, excited that it was already growing so well. When I pulled up the next one it was part of a carrot, a huge, thick, healthy one. Again, I was excited, and I passed the piece to her and dug up the rest, keeping it but not eating it. 

I continued to dig for a bit and then my mind and emotion wandered. It was like the subject changed suddenly. My woman friend was no longer there in the dream. Instead there was a familiar energy, that of a friend and someone I love so, so deeply that words alone are not enough. The garden was still around me but now there was a tall, dark, handsome man there with me. When I saw him I was overjoyed and I went over to him and embraced him. I can’t recall his exact looks because it was like his face shifted through various likenesses, perhaps memories of all the different human forms I’ve known him to take. 

The feelings that filled me were so joyous, so hopeful, so excited. I was overflowing with love and kinship for this man. I knew he and I shared a special bond. The feeling is not one I’ve had in this lifetime except with one person but since that time was so brief, I cannot say it was the same. The feeling was definitely what I would expect only twins would feel for each other. A Knowing of the other, inside and out, and a connection beyond comprehension by anyone without the experience. It was very much like he was my brother, my best friend, my companion through thick and thin, and my life partner all bundled into one. 

There was a whole history there in my memory as I stood there with him, holding his hand and touching him whenever I had the chance. There was memory that we had been lovers many times over. A specific time came to mind and I knew, though what we shared was special, he was searching for something and that something could not be found in or with me. In the dream this played out as us being together but him looking far into the distance, his mind and energy directed elsewhere. There was silence between us and it felt as if he desired to have more – more conversation, more excitement, more adventure. He was not satisfied with just being there with me in the silence and enjoying Being together. I remember hearing, “We have nothing to talk about.” I don’t know if I said it, he said it, or we both did.

My disappointed was overwhelming and I grieved but not in a way that is usual in a body. It was full of understanding and acceptance. I let him go, watched him go in the direction he had been looking, and then fade away, but I could still feel him, feel Us, feel our bond. What I felt is hard to describe. There was a definite whiny quality to it along with a restlessness. I remember pacing back and forth as I spoke aloud to someone about what I was feeling. There was acceptance of his decision but I did not like it nor want it. My pacing continued and intensified the more I despaired. Time felt to stretch forever with me trapped inside. 

What I was feeling almost brought on full lucidity but I never quite made it to full awareness. I found myself going to a bed in the dark space I paced in. It was clear I was seeking to hide, to sleep, to immerse myself in sweet oblivion. I would lay down and then sit up, still restless, unable to forget. 

I began to cry, slow, silent tears. The emotion woke me up and I lay stunned in bed, wiping my eyes and trying to contact all the emotion of the dream. All I could find were remnants but I did contact that infinite bond of friendship, love and kinship. Oh how sweet it tastes! 

Guidance

Not long ago, maybe two days now, I was told by my guidance that help would be offered. I was told, “We will show you yourself.” In that moment it felt like what I would see was unwanted and hidden away. I think, though, that this dream reveals a part of it. 

About a week ago I realized that part of my struggle is in accepting the masculine – within and without. I reject the masculine and tend to demonize all males, blaming them and sometimes hating them. It was and is clear to me that I must embrace the masculine, to love and be in awe of Him. There is so much distrust of the masculine that must be inspected, forgiven and embraced. I asked, “How?” and got no audible answer. Yet I knew it required I look within, deep within and beyond physicality. 

It could that the physical me interprets the experience of missing that “other half” as rejection and abandonment. It is understandable, then, that the result would be resentment and blame. This physical me has a tendency to barricade herself behind walls of protection. Any suspicion of threat is kept behind those walls. It can be hard to accept that the one you love most is not satisfied with what you provide. But there is understanding, also, that they are seeking outwardly what they already have within. Every experience beyond Us will only strengthen our bond. 

It seems to me that I have spent many lifetimes seeking that which I miss the most. The grief and restlessness seeps through into physical reality and consciousness, leaving an emptiness that cannot be filled. 

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OBE: Love, Family and Togetherness

Woke at 6am wide awake. Despite wanting to return to sleep, I was thinking of the migrant crisis at our border and it was upsetting me. My main concern was the sheer numbers of people wanting to come to the U.S. Mostly, I was mad and thinking to all the migrants, “Go home!”

After feeling upset for a short time, my guidance asked me, “Why don’t you want them here?” I thought how the migrants would require lots of assistance, in the form of money, housing, food, etc. My thought was interrupted with other thoughts (my guide’s and my own)- They want to work. They want to provide for their families. They want a better life. Then I was asked, “What are you afraid of?” I knew immediately and answered, “I don’t want to lose what I have. I am comfortable. I don’t worry about money, food – the basics. I can go to the store and buy whatever I want without a second thought. I don’t want that to change.” I felt ashamed for feeling this way. I knew that my fear was not mine alone and that it was the source of the inequality in the world.

I wondered about the solution but was not happy at the answer I received. To make things more equal, those who have, must give to those who do not have. It was simple, but at the same time extremely difficult to accept, mostly because it meant I would have to give up some of what I had. I thought of what it was like living in Costa Rica – the lack of a/c, the lack of hot water, the bugs invading my living space, the simplicity. I thought, “I don’t want to live that way.” But I knew/know that there are worse ways to live. Much worse.

Rather than dwell on the subject, I shifted my attention to going OOB. I was already in the in-between and shifting into subtle vibrations. My attention easily flowed to the astral realms, which I could perceive all around me, and back to the physical, which I knew I was still lingering in. At times my awareness was more on my body – the heaviness of my eyelids, the pillow next to my head, the position of my body, the sounds in my house. Then my awareness would shift to the astral and I would struggle to know if my eyelids were physically opening or opening in the astral. I could hear noises-off in the form of my husband’s voice very close to me and my children talking in the background.

I talked to myself, commanding, “Body asleep, mind awake.” I never use this command, so I’m not sure why I did, but it seemed to work

OBE: Pressure

I blinked my eyes. Still they felt heavy. Still they felt physical. I commanded again, “Body asleep, mind awake.” This time when I thought those words I got up out of my body. I felt a familiar heavy, sticky feeling as I sat up and moved away. Realizing eyes were open (I thought them closed), I looked around me as I moved away from my body, noting my room was not familiar and the door was in a different location. The room was dark and objects resembled large, shifty shadows. I went to the door and grabbed the knob. It opened without me turning it. I stepped outside into a hallway. It was still dark. I remember thinking that all I had to do was will the light and it would come. And it did, along with an entire, unfamiliar house. I was standing in a living room, a gray sofa to my left and kitchen to my right. The air was golden and bright, shifting with my gaze. The space felt small compared to what I’m use to.

As I walked towards the front door, I encountered my husband who questioned me. His energy was like a wave of pressure as it came at me. He was cajoling me, but I don’t know what about. The energy and pressure was familiar and I thought, “I don’t want this.”

I shifted back to my body momentarily and exited again.

OBE: Love, Family and Togetherness

When I exited my body this time, the heavy feeling was gone, my vision was clear. To my right was a window. I thought, “Maybe I should exit via the window.” For some reason, though, I felt this was not the right exit, so I went back through the bedroom door out into the house.

When I entered the living area I felt my energy subsiding like it does when I’m about to shift back into my body. I paused and said, “Awareness now.” Realizing that I said something unusual, specifically, “awareness” I thought to myself, “I am Awareness”. So, I said, “Clarity now!” I looked down at my hands and saw them in detail down to the tiny lines around my knuckles. I didn’t linger, though, but floated through the living area without any encounters. In fact, I barely recall the inside of the house at all except that it was cast in the same golden light as before. I wonder now if that golden light is me and not the space like it seems to be? Ah, yes, I think so!

I exited through the front door and found myself in yet another unfamiliar scene. Thin, wiry saplings lined a grass path out to the street. Their leaves hung down and touched me as I floated through. I reached up and touched a green sprout, noting its newness. Ahead of me I saw a busy street. Tall buildings lined the street and could be seen in the distance. It reminded me of San Francisco.

A car sped by and I noted how it didn’t slow down when it passed. The road had four lanes; a highway. I looked up at the tops of the buildings. Instead of windows I saw gigantic, open cardboard boxes piled one on top of the other.

Another car sped by and I floated out into the middle of the road. I thought about how one might hit me if I lingered there, so I hovered there tempting one to do so. I saw a car approaching. I turned and faced away from it, floating onto my back in complete surrender. I said, “Go ahead, hit me.” I thought it would surely just speed through me but it went around me instead. When I saw it go past, I thought, “Huh.”

I decided to explore the area. There were people lingering about on the city streets. The ambiance was not one I liked. It felt stunted; greedy. I flew along the sidewalk and paused outside a large building that sold Christmas items. Two thugs were lingering by the entrance and came towards me. Feeling their negative intentions, I ignored them and opted to go inside.

When I went inside it was like going into Santa’s workshop. There were people standing in line to buy items. The ceilings went on forever. Stained glass windows let in rainbows of light. Christmas lights were strung across the entire place. Decorated trees and all kinds of items were on display for purchase.

Everyone looked at me when I entered. I was floating there and flew higher, over everyone’s heads. They looked at me in awe. One child pointed. I knew they could see me. I appeared supernatural to them. Thrilled at this, I let them ooh and awe over me. I don’t think I spoke but I remember thinking they were all on the “wrong path” as I felt how caught up in material possessions they all were.

I shifted momentarily. I found myself facing a house. Again, it resembled the houses in San Francisco. I was at the open front door, looking in. A family was around their dinner table. A blonde boy around the age of 8 was standing across from me. I told the family, specifically addressing the boy, “Consumerism is destroying you”. The boy’s thoughts were apparent – “Toys?”. I said, “Toys won’t give you anything.” I began to leave. The boy yelled, “Wait! What can we do about it?” I paused and said, “Love, family and togetherness.”

As I flew away, my physical body pulled me back and I slowly opened my eyes, aware of a very dry mouth. I had been sleeping with my mouth wide open. lol

Understanding

My OBE was fresh on my mind as were my words, “Love, family and togetherness.” The migrant surge came to mind again, but this time I was accepting of the solution. All we need to do is think of all of mankind as our family – because they are.

The warning I received long ago about populations migrating north came to mind. It is happening now. It isn’t going to happen when I’m old woman, like I thought. And it will keep happening. No wall will be big enough or high enough to keep them out.

For some reason I felt completely calm and accepting. I am reminded of the highway scene in my OBE and how I surrendered, saying, “Go ahead, hit me.” Hahaha. Yes, go ahead.

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I AM Awareness

Last night, for the first time in a very long time, I became Awareness. It was quite unexpected but felt comfortable and roomy, like an old, favorite sweatshirt. Normally I would use the word Knowing, but this much more than that. 

I had settled down to read prior to bed. Before I could begin, however, I felt to be approached on my left by a familiar presence – a guide. Memories from earlier in the day were brought forward. My BIL had asked me if I had ever left my body while awake. I told him, “Yes” and then described my experience. My description caused me to momentarily relive it. What a thrill it was! He nodded in recognition as he listened, interrupting when I mentioned how I perceived the space around me. I said, “Shifty and in black and white.” He had experienced it exactly the same, only he had been a young boy and had been scared “shitless” by it.

The memory sparked further memory and that’s when Awareness took over. 

In the memory of that one-time spontaneous OBE, I was up in the high corner of the room looking down at myself. My awareness could shift between my physical body and the point of awareness in the corner of the room. I could sense the others physical bodies in the room as well as their awareness’ next to me. I could also sense something like a tether between the physical body and the Awareness of me. It appeared as an almost imperceptible, thin, silvery thread. I knew that though it seemed that my awareness in the corner of the room was in this physical reality, it was not. It was, instead, in a non-physical location outside of space and time. 

Memory of my before life experience returned in that instant. That movie screen of images before me, images of this lifetime, flashed quickly as if on fast-forward and rewind. But the screen shifted and instead of being 2D it was 3D and looked like a wheel spinning on its side. The reel had images of various people, faces upon faces. I knew that each face was an opportunity. I knew that each face was a human body and consciousness, complete with specific traits and auric tendencies. The only missing piece was the controller who would then take on the form in physicality and imbue it with Life. Any Awareness could take on any form on that wheel at any “time”. The form existed merely for the experience it provided and if you consider it within the reel of time, the human form could repeat a lifetime infinitely, each with a different Awareness giving it life.

That means that the body I am now occupying is available to be occupied again and again. The reel of the timeline rewound and repeated, each experience unique to the Awareness controlling it. How this looked in my mind was like a starburst, timelines streaming out from a central point in various, vivid colors. If one were to zoom in on any one tendril they would see it come to life, moving pictures of a single reel of a single lifetime of a single individual perspective.

Then my view expanded and I saw all the “reels” of all the human hosts and lifetimes available. Each Awareness that steps in, shifts the timeline and experience and I could see the infinite timelines that resulted. There was no end! The opportunities are infinite!

My guide said to me as if confirming my conclusion, “This is what we do.” 

I mentally said to my guide, “I selected exercise/physical activity as a strategy for this human host.” I suddenly recalled how the strategy came about. It arose through careful consideration of the host’s characteristics and genetic material, the inclinations of the individual, it’s auric blueprint and personal perspective therein. My Awareness shed light on the reasons physical activity assists. I said to my guide, “I feel so much pressure all the time. The exercise helps to alleviate it.” And with this I saw the aura and body as if constricted and squeezed on all sides. The pressure could be described as a need to DO but without the necessary impetus there remained only the pressure without a channel to follow. Exercise takes the build-up of energy and expends it. The relief is palpable. Memory of it flowed through me and I smiled.

I remembered that without such a method of release that this life would have ended prematurely. I wondered if another method existed but I knew this was the best based upon my calculations. 

My thoughts went back to that memory of being OOB. It was clear then why when I shifted my awareness to the physical body I felt totally disconnected from it and those around me. My emotions were purely curious and objective. My thought was, “This (life) is not real.” This human body and personality is merely a role I wear, an experiment of experience. It was only when I decided to shift back into the role/perspective fully that the disconnect faded.

I also knew that when I experienced profound connections (energetic and otherwise) with others while in this body, that the connection first exists in our Aware state. It is true that it then filters down to our human forms, perceived via that individual lens.

In the end, it is all very scientific the way we plan our lives. So much so that any human viewing the process would think it impersonal and cold.

The after effects of this experience left me feeling a bit odd. I didn’t feel disconnected. I felt reassured and satisfied. Certain. Accomplished. 

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Lucid Dream: Upside Down

Lots of dreams last night plus a fitful sleep. I did not wake up feeling rested and had a slight sinus headache. Thankfully coffee is helping.

Dream: Burial Site

I was on the family land with others of my family but it did not look the same. The land was arid, with large rocks and little vegetation. Someone pointed to the hill in the distance and said they had recently uncovered an ancient burial site. I decided to walk over to it and investigate.

When I walked to the edge of the site and looked up beyond the path cut into the hard, sandy soil, I got a feeling in my gut that spread very quickly to the rest of me. It was grief mixed with other emotions and the overall feeling caused me to stumble momentarily. Still, despite the strong emotion, I walked to the top and stood for a moment. There were no tombstones, no markings to indicate where bodies were buried. It was just more of the same sand and stone, but I could feel the spirits of those buried there.

I vaguely recall being asked to use my spiritual abilities to speak to the dead, thus my purpose for being there. In that moment, though, I knew it was not something I wanted to do and so I told the person asking I was not interested. I replied back, “All you care about is what I can give you. You don’t see me.”

As I was overcome by the feelings inundating me, my father, who has been dead since 2005, approached. He asked me if I was okay. I told him about what I was feeling and began to cry. I sobbed as I hugged him and woke up.

Dream: Leaky Fish Tank

I became aware of a fish aquarium that looked similar to the one in my own home except this one seemed to be elsewhere. The first thing I noticed was that more than half the water was gone. I inspected it for obvious leaks and found the shelf in the interior of the stand wet to the touch. I spoke to a woman with me, explaining that we would have to get a replacement and trying to come up with a way to keep the fish alive in the interim. I suggested we mix the fish with the fish in another tank and then buying a 30 gallon tank that would work with the same filter as the leaky one. I looked at the filter in an existing tank and noticed it was very clean and the tank itself sparkling. I knew that it was clean like this because the tank was in a location far from windows and sunlight. I suggested the new one be put in a similar location. When I went to check on the fish in the leaky tank, I saw they were swimming high up in the tank where there was no water. How can fish swim without water? I wondered.

Lucid Dream: Upside Down

This dream began with me being taken somewhere on a motorcycle. I was describing where I was being taken as if recording everything I was experiencing. Around me were old, rusty vehicles that were older than I was. Desiccated trucks so rusty their frames appeared orange. I knew I had been taken prisoner and felt unable to do anything except hold on to the man driving the bike. 

As we reached some short, stubby trees I began to consider that maybe I was dreaming and talked myself into testing my theory. Still talking as if reporting my experience I said aloud, “I wonder if I can jump off….” As I said this, I jumped and flew free of the bike, floating above the treetops. I watched the rider swerve and look back but he didn’t pursue me. 

Thrilled that my plan had worked, I soared high and explored my surroundings. As I turned around I was greeted by a brilliant landscape. As far as I could see were vivid colors. It seemed to be either sunrise or sunset and the individual rays of the sun permeated everything it touched. The golden hues blended with deep oranges and bright yellows. Rolling hills extended as far as the eyes could see and beyond that I could see an ocean of vibrant blue.

Close by I could see the white pillars of a structure. I decided to explore and with the thought shifted directly into a house with various hallways and rooms. Floating through it, I traveled through the rooms encountering my children along the way. I don’t recall the specifics of the rooms, just that I was curious to see where the next hallway took me. I invited my children to join me but can’t recall if they did.

There was one room that was a child’s room. Inside was a dollhouse and the tiny dolls were animated, moving around on their own. This delighted me and I swooped down and grabbed one in my hands. It squirmed and I noted that it felt 100% physical and alive. I put it down when it protested and left to do more exploring.

One room in particular opened up to reveal a one bedroom apartment. I entered the living area first which was flanked by an open, modern kitchen. Beyond that, through a door was the bedroom. I slowed, looking closely at the kitchen. The stove was partially in the living area and I thought, “This is exactly what my apartment would look like if I were single. All but that (the stove). That is not a good place for a stove.” I turned and saw there was another one located in the kitchen itself and said aloud, “That’s where it should be.” 

When I entered the bedroom I found myself back at the scene I first encountered. The sky was nearly cloudless and the colors just as vibrant. Spread out in front of me was the ocean, waves gently lapping the structure at my feet. My children were with me and I was aware that my daughter was laying on a daybed just behind me in a breezy room with long, sheer curtains that swayed in the breeze. My middle son was by my side, looking out at the ocean and just as curious as I was.

I invited my daughter and son to come explore with me. I said, “Let’s fly!” My daughter wasn’t interested, looking instead at her hands which were holding a book that I knew she wasn’t reading. My son was game and so we both flew up. I sped with great intensity into the sky and felt an energy sweeping up higher and higher. I didn’t want to go up, so I dove down into the water, calling my son to join me. He wouldn’t so I went alone.

When I broke the surface of the water I did not feel the water or see the ocean below. Instead I broke the surface of the water in another world where everything appeared to be upside down. Then my vision shifted as the entire world moved upright. When I got my bearings about me I realized I had been the one who was upside down, not the world.

Again thrilled at the experience, I dove back “down” and returned to the other surface where my son was waiting. I told him, “You’ve got to see this!” I took his hand and we both went under the water. Unfortunately, the other world wasn’t there. I don’t recall what exactly we encountered only that when we returned to our original position the sun had set and it was dark.

Up high above our heads was the most magnificent full moon. It was supersized and appeared so close I could touch it. I remember wanting to “talk” to it and again invited my son to join me. He hesitated and I launched myself up towards the moon, my speed increasing exponentially. I felt myself being pulled into space and laughed, resisting and telling “space” that I didn’t want to go there just yet. I paused mid-flight and the pull increased as did my resistance which caused me to momentarily shift back to my body. I pulled myself back to the scene, once again facing the glorious full moon. I yelled something about the moon, words I can’t recall now. My last memory is of seeing my son and recognizing he was a joint participant in this lucid experience. 

I woke wanting to ask my son about my dream but was too tired and sluggish to get out of bed. I shifted into the in-between where I received a vision of someone writing me a note. I watched as the letters and words appeared and read, “You are beautiful….” I rejected the message and woke myself up, instantly regretting my decision.

Considerations and Interpretations

The first dream felt like an actual dream meeting with my father, which was nice as I haven’t seen him in my dreams in over a decade. The dream felt to be the result of a discussion about my feelings and my spiritual experiences. The burial site is likely a representation of what I have buried within myself, part of which includes my spiritual gifts. I felt a heaviness not only from what I perceived from those dead and gone but also from those requesting I speak to the dead. My conclusion was that I did not want to be loved for what I can provide. I want to be loved for who I am.

The second dream is mostly all symbolism pertaining to ideas (fish) and emotion (water).

The lucid dream was almost a full-blown OBE only IMO I never gained enough lucidity. Though I was very conscious of the dream and in full control of it, my perceptions were dull in comparison to how they would be in an OBE. I blame this dullness on my tiredness. I felt almost drugged with sleep when I woke. It was very hard to wake up!

The main insight the lucid dream provided me with is that things are not always what they seem. While I thought the place I was seeing was upside down, it was clear that it was me who was upside down! Think of how different life would be if we would all consider that what we see is skewed (upside down), not the other way around.

The full moon often appears in my lucid experiences when it is full in real time. I am always drawn to it. I don’t know why.

Edit: I did end up asking my son if he remembered being OOB with me. He replied excitedly, “Yes!!” When I probed further, he said he didn’t recall specifics, only sitting and knowing I was there with him and doing things with him.

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Dream: I’m Dead

How are you all doing? Yesterday was a whammy, eh? I woke up really, really unhappy and grumpy yesterday. I just felt fed up and wanted OUT. I wrote a whole journal post, specifically asking why I couldn’t wake up excited about life. It is so rare for me to wake up and want to be here. In fact, if someone asked me my favorite time of day I would say, “None. It’s the night I look forward to – sleep.”

I think something shifted over night, though, and the energy is slightly lighter, though still heavy and thick compared to “normal” (what is that? lol). I slept really well and feel much more positive today.

My dreams from last night are mostly muddled in my memory but pieces remain and I woke with insight into reincarnation and how we prepare for life in these physical bodies.

What is most vivid is that I suddenly realized within the dream that I had died and was between lives. It was a lucid thought and though I didn’t take control of the dream, the dream became much more memorable afterward.

Dream: I’m Dead

I was walking with a friend, one of my early best friends in this lifetime. We had met up in the afterlife and were talking, catching up and discussing life trajectories, feeling accomplished and congratulating each other. For some reason, I paused.  A weird sense of loss and overwhelm descended upon me. With this I realized and said aloud to myself, “I am dead.”

A sudden influx of Knowing hit me. It was all at once – a flood of images, conversations, decisions, interactions, emotions and awareness. All of it was hard to swallow initially and I felt empty and lost inside, as if I had been an amnesiac with memory suddenly fully restored. I thought to myself, “I need to be alone. I am going to take a walk.” In my mind, I saw a vast and beautiful landscape. Tall, green grass swayed gently in the breeze. Beyond the rolling hills of grass were majestic mountains. The sky was blue with dots of clouds. The feeling was peaceful and serene.

As soon as I began to go on this walk, I was joined by another (a guide I think) who took my hand. I was instantly diverted to a room instead of the field I had longed to walk through. The room reminded me of a science lab in a high school. I was led to the door of an office. There was a viewing window between the office and much larger lab. The key was in the door. I turned the key, unlocked the door, opened it and went inside. I took the key out of the door when I realized the key should not be left in the door. I remember telling my guide, “They shouldn’t leave the key in the door.” At the time I said this, “they” felt like the “other teachers” and the room I was entering felt like the “teacher’s lounge”. I remember holding the key in my hand. It was pretty big, the size of my palm, and silver.

I remember saying to this guide matter-of-factly, “I’m dead then,” and the response and Knowing was that what I had just lived was but one of many trajectories in a particular lifetime/timeline. I knew instantly that I would live each of those trajectories until I had learned what that lifetime/timeline had to teach me. My friend reminded me that I didn’t have to return as the same person but I could be any one of the characters of my life that I chose. He also reminded me that I could take as long as I wanted before returning. It was all up to me. No one was going to force me or pressure me to return before I was ready.

Contemplating all of this and recognizing it to be true (I had done it and remembered doing it) I told him, “I know but I like to return as the same one (me).” The feeling with the thought was that it was a strategy I used. I exhausted all potential outcomes before I shifted personas/characters. 

It became very real to me that each lifetime, each decision and resulting timeline, was rehearsed and prepared for. There were few unexpected outcomes because each path was traveled repeatedly, each interaction and subsequent reaction drilled. I asked how frequently I surprised myself and was told, “It happens sometimes.” 

I remember being interrupted by a short, bald man in a lab coat. He had beady eyes that peered out at me through round spectacles. He reached his hand toward my own and gently took the key from it then hurried away. I was standing in the classroom at this time and don’t remember exiting the office. I sensed from him that I should’ve left the key in the office door so that others might enter. 

I awoke not long after the key was taken. 

Considerations

When I awoke I was in awe of my dream, Knowing that what I had witnessed was truth. With this realization I understood there was no avoiding this lifetime nor the countless others I would “live”. Each scenario would play out, has played out, will play out. There is no avoiding any of them. And each player in the production is experienced via their individual lens, which was also my own. Every single player/actor/actress, their multiple roles, decisions, reactions, emotions, available to me, an open book of insight and revelation. 

It is no wonder I felt like “taking a walk” and being alone when I Remembered. The most overwhelming Knowing was that all of the practiced scenarios occur at once (there is no time) and my dreams are but glimpses into them.

What is most peculiar is the feeling that who I am in this present life/scenario is very particular to this specific trajectory. The reactions, feelings, emotions – everything – that comprises me, unique and perfect down to my insecurities, fears and frailties. There are no mistakes. Everything is as it should be.

For the me in this body and life, all of the above is hard to swallow. Regardless of this Knowing, all that I experience is very real and solid, my perspective clear and tunnel-like, my visual field narrowed to only that which lies ahead. With memory of Knowing all perspectives, it creates a feeling of intense isolation and aloneness via this individualized perspective. It is no wonder I wish so badly to exit this life. I feel cut-off from myself and others, squished into this tiny body and mind, extremely limited. 

While I sit with all of this Knowing and Memory, I am reminded of what I was told by my guide about it being my decision. I choose when to return. No one will pressure me. It is all up to me.

I wonder, “How did this life go when I practiced for it? Or, am I practicing it now?”