Category Archives: Ascension

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Ego Child

This morning my husband told me that he has been having waves of depression hit him out of the blue at odd times of the day. He said he had one hit him in the middle of the night and that the feeling is so horribly heavy that he struggles to not be overcome by it. He then attributed the strange mood swings to his sugar intake. I stopped him there and told him it is unlikely that sugar is the cause of these intense, unusual bouts of unexplainable depression. I asked him if he had considered that it was happening to everyone and widespread all over the world. He said, “You mean it is coming from the 4th dynamic? I hadn’t thought of that.” Then he paused and said, “That makes a lot of sense”. (The 4th dynamic is mankind).

I then explained to him how long I had been perceiving it and how it affects everyone differently. I told him that those who have not taken responsibility for their own life and issues and cleared them out would be struggling with past life and current life issues related to themselves and their family. However, those who have cleared most of that out would then be struggling with issues related to the world and mankind. So, in essence, his depression may be that he is connecting to greater world issues rather than something within himself that needs to be cleared. Though, of course, his own issues are and those of mankind are reciprocal. They are interconnected and so his depression is likely linked to his own issues related to how he is connected and responsible for mankind’s actions.

After our conversation I began to think about my OBE with the man who I identified as my father. As I have digested the experience, I feel that the healing that occurred by my sending love to this man was more directed toward allowing this man to heal and move on. Yes, the healing was also my own but is reciprocal. He heals as much as I heal. I have had this realization before as I recognized that even though one person may feel they have recovered from a damaging relationship, they are not truly free until all participants have also healed and recovered. Since we are all One, we are all connected in every aspect of our spiritual development, positive and negative.

I am certain now that this past father figure of mine has been carrying with him the guilt and pain of his many wrongs in the life we had together. Our relationship was one that started with love and turned into confusion, pain, misunderstanding and misappropriated emotion. The love he had for me contorted and became disfigured until he could not differentiate between right and wrong and so betrayed his own morals and beliefs while alienating and losing a beloved relationship with his daughter. In his subsequent lives he has carried with him the burden from that life. Currently he may not understand why he feels and does certain things. He may be haunted by a guilt he does not understand. He may be fearful of his current relationship with his daughter(s) and not know why. The extent of his pain is not fully known to my conscious Self but I do know there was relief in his eyes and acceptance of my forgiveness of him. Perhaps this will allow him to break free of the constraints of guilt and fear that have overshadowed his present life. Perhaps in his release I will also be released and my distrust of men, father and husband alike, will begin to dissolve, revealing a truth I have yet to see.

From 12 to 10 to 4

Last night as I prepared for bed, I noticed that the room felt very empty. I felt alone. Upon further investigation, I recognized that I had lost the 10 in Spirit who have been hovering around me since a day after I first noticed there were 12. I was back down to my typical “4”, and so it felt to me as if the room had emptied. Thus, I felt strangely “alone”.

With the exit of my council and the return to “normalcy”, I wondered if the man I was going to meet was the father I met in my OBE. It definitely could be that he was. My guide would neither confirm nor deny this and so I let it be. I no longer have the energy to contemplate it. I have accepted that I will just have to “wait and see”.

Perception

I have continued to sleep deeply and last night was no exception. I woke with an odd feeling that all the negative feelings – anxiety, worry, unhappiness – in my life was “someone else’s fault”. The feeling was very wrong to me and I did not like it. There was also an element of “unfairness” that lingered. Why was it that some people always seem happy while I do not? I recognized that a part of me felt that happiness was deserved and so if someone had happiness who did not “deserve” it, then an injustice had been done. The resentment I felt form this caused me to become unhappy, as if trying to compensate for the wrongness of the situation.

I did not contemplate this for long, but attributed it to the odd dreams I had about my family relationships, specifically my relationship with my sister. I now recognize that these dreams are the “work” that I am doing at a higher level and eventually the rewards of that work will trickle down and integrate with my present Earth consciousness. It does me little good at this stage to over analyze my dreams and OBEs. To do so would be like forcing a square peg into a round hole. If I my Earth consciousness cannot yet assimilate such information, what good does it do to try to force it? The end result is more of the same – loss after loss, disappointment after disappointment. I must have faith that the “me” at higher levels is advancing and that when the time is right and my Earth consciousness is prepped, prepared and attuned to the process, everything will settle and integrate. In the end, there will be a wholeness, though it may be barely perceivable at first.

The Ego Child

As I began to understand the integration process, I became completely disinterested in the things which I have been interested in of late. Specifically, sharing my OBEs and considerations with others. I do this for many reasons, one of which is to have my experiences validated by others. Although I do not want to admit, I seek agreement from others that my experiences are “real”. A part of me also wants to brag about them and has a strong desire to be praised by others for my “uniqueness”. I often have struggled with this part of myself. The Ego often wishes to be praised and seeks attention for being unique and “special”. My guide is understanding of this, however, and reminds me that it is “normal” and not to rejectthe feeling but instead accept it, taking care to balance it with understanding, love and patience. He explains to me that the Ego is to be treated like a child. It should be nurtured and loved. It has to learn much like a child does and it is my job (the Higher Self) to teach it by allowing it to stumble and fall as much as is needed in order for it to learn, all along offering support, unconditional love, and encouragement in whatever way is best received by the Ego child.

It is at this juncture that I recognize the purposefulness in my accepting the role of the Ego child via life in a body. It is possible to me now that I am indeed split into different parts, each with varying levels of consciousness. I am choosing now to be the Earth consciousness. I do this via the human body and experience things “anew” with a strong need to individuate myself from the whole. I seek to experience life via my own lens. This lens is colored with experience. All the while, there is a “me” I am not aware of that is watching, teaching and guiding the other “me” along their individual path. I am also aware that there are likely others of “me” as well. It also is very clear to me that this identification with the Earth consciousness via my Ego child in this body is a distinct choice every part of “me” made, as a whole. Once I am done with this human experience I will return and all aspects of “me” will be united as one again. And “we” will likely again choose the human experience as one of the many experiences available and the process will be repeated.

There is then the question of why I gave myself access to “myself” while in this life. I know this is not the first time I have done this, but it seems to me as if I am “cheating”. I am told this was purposeful and the plan is to continue this patterns until the Ego child is fully integrated. Once that occurs, the Earth consciousness via the Ego child will be transformed. It is not clear what comes next, but it is certain it will not be a path like any I have tread before.

by

The Timekeeper

This high energy cycle I’ve been going through all month continues along with the deep, hard sleep that seems limited to 7-8 hours max. I forgot to mention that I am ridiculously hungry right now, too. I often wake up in the morning so irritable from my hunger that I am starting to think of myself as the terrible morning monster. My whole family knows to avoid me, especially my husband who keeps accidentally initiating important conversations as soon as he sees me awake. I, of course, bark back at him a response or two, my mind focused only on one thing: food. Usually, within about 30 minutes of eating, I am back to my normal self, but thirty minutes is a long time and I often put my foot in my mouth more than once during that time.

These “symptoms” are, of course, all very much common to the “ascension” process. Yet, when one is going through them they wonder, “What the hell is wrong with me?” I can’t help but think I must have some undiagnosed illness waiting, like the monster in my closet, to jumped out at me when I least expect it.

Alaska

I had, again, a really vivid dream that came with me into sudden wakefulness at 6 a.m. Being this is my day off, I was very irritated that I was wide awake at such an early time. It only made me more frustrated when my rumbling stomach forced me out of bed and down to the kitchen.

I returned to bed after my snack and instantly felt I needed to take what little time I had to meditate. The instant I chose to do this, I began to receive messages. But I am getting ahead of myself. I need to recount the dream first so that you understand a bit about the messages I received.

In the dream I was at a home in the mountains of Alaska. I found myself suddenly just there and was a bit out of sorts and trying to get my bearings for some time. I seemed to be surrounded by “family”, though I have no idea who the people were. There was a couple who appeared to be in the mid to late 40s and were happily giving me and my group a tour of their home.

I don’t recall much about the tour but I do remember that we were talking about moving there. I did not like the idea and was relieved when I discovered it would be my sister, her husband and new son that would be moving there and not me. There was some interaction that reminded me of my past with my sister that I participated in, but it all seemed very out of place being we are so much older now than we were then.

At one point we were exploring a home for rent near a creek that flowed into the ocean. The house was an empty, very nice multistory home positioned right next to a rapidly flowing, crystal clear creek.  My companion and I explored the area, me commenting on how nice it was and how we should rent it. I stood next to the creek and saw a large, orange colored Koi fish feeding. Something was said about the fish, but I don’t recall it now.

We went down a trail that led into the woods. It appeared well kept and made of some kind of fabricated stone that was speckled gray and white. It led into a cavernous area that was really a man-made outdoor atrium of some type, with tall stone columns and passages. We went inside and I thought there would be bats and sure enough one flew out in front of my sister. It was large but I was not afraid of it, more in awe of it.

The dream gets hazy here for a bit but I do remember that there was a moment when I was holding back a large bear. I had my hands in its mouth (it was asleep) and was yelling at someone to get away, saying, “It’s a bear!” The person was actually sleeping with the bear and I was trying to get them to notice. Something here triggered my memory that there was a bear in another dream but I never could (nor can I now) recall the dream.

Then, we were back by the house with the couple. The place was beginning to depress me. I complained of it being cold more than once, remembering that 60 degrees was warm to them. I also remember a man flirting with me and I was a bit annoyed at him. Not only was he short and unattractive, but I knew connecting with him meant connecting with Alaska and there was no way I was staying there. He was nice enough, though, but I also knew he was part of this “family” living in Alaska. No way!

We went outside and in front of the house was this enormous lake. The water was dark and it was beautiful in its own way, but I commented to the others how it was “ugly”. We somehow ended up on the other side of it and then owner just walked across it, showing me that although it seemed deep it was really very shallow, the water only reaching his calves. I was surprised.

time_joakim_kraemer_photography_Timekeeper

I awoke suddenly from the dream and later, after my snack, settled down to meditate. Like I said earlier, the messages came almost instantly. The first thing that I heard was, “You have a Timekeeper”. This peaked my curiosity. What is a Timekeeper? I wondered, and Why do I only have one?

I was instantly encouraged not to break the state of consciousness I was in. It is hard to explain how this was communicated, but I instantly calmed my mind and let go of my focus upon the many questions arising in my mind.

Without words I knew what was happening. The dreams I have been having are part of a process of purging myself of past issues; issues that hold me back in some way. Much of the purging has to do with old patterns and beliefs. Specifically, the Alaska theme is representative of a time in my life when I was very depressed and felt surrounded by darkness, both literally and figuratively. I felt as well as was told that I must, “pass through the darkness to get to the light”.

The Timekeeper, whoever “he” is, was there and accessible to me, though he seemed “above” me and almost unreachable. I asked his name and heard an “M” name that reminded me of Marion but I am not sure if that is correct. Like is usual, when I hear a name it becomes jumbled and distorted and I doubt the accuracy of the name I receive. Initially, though, before it became jumbled, it sounded a whole lot like Marion but I am positive I skewed the name so it sounded familiar to me.

When I asked what a Timekeeper was I was told, “I am here to help you see”. My guide has been telling me that I will “see” soon but I never quite understood what he meant. See what? Will I literally see something or does it mean I will increase my awareness and so then, “see” more?

I assume this Timekeeper is helping me return to times in which I struggled in order to help me gain awareness of the struggles and lessons I endured. What did I learn while I was in Alaska that is so important? In my memory of it, I realized that I had a shadow I defeated: death.

Shadow Man

I struggled to recall if I had ever meditated or had any recollection of intensely vivid dreams or experiences during that time. I could not, at first, remember anything of significance other than the sudden onset of creativity that resulted in playing the guitar and writing songs that contained strong messages to myself.

Then I recalled a time when I sought out the darkness that was haunting me and causing so much pain in my life. I don’t remember where I got the idea from – the internet? But I did take time to close my eyes and focus. When I did, I found a very surprising thing: a shadowy figure that was there for a brief moment and then vanished.

Intrigued, I tried to find him. I searched my mind for his hiding place and I found him, hiding in the corner of my mind. He had no definition and was very slippery. One moment I would see him clearly, the depth of his dark features endless. Other times he would vanish or appear to be see-through.

I remember him vividly and when I “caught” him, I was flooded with memories and despair. I immediately knew he represented the thoughts that had been tormenting me and willing me, endlessly it seemed, to die. He was death.

There were memories he was associated with, memories from my past and childhood. I don’t remember them now, but when I realized who Shadow Man was, I knew his trickery and I fought him in my mind, banishing him (or so it seemed). For some reason, at that time, the Shadow Man was very real to me. Yet, I did not learn of such creatures and such until many years later when I went through my spiritual awakening.

Shadow Man was in one of my OBEs not long ago. Is he back? Did I only think I got rid of him? I suspect so. The draw towards death never left me completely. It has been more controllable but it has shifted faces and form. It is deceptive and distracting. In fact, after that first encounter with him, I traveled to Alaska and went through some very dark days and more came after that.

I am certain that Shadow Man is merely an aspect of my Self. I suspect the Timekeeper who is helping me is working hard to help me see him and other aspects of my Self that might be booby trapping my awareness, steering me towards negativity and thoughts of death. But something tells me there is much more to a Timekeeper. What?

If you know, please feel free to fill me in.