Category Archives: Dreams

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Stress, OBEs & an Intervention

Yesterday was my son’s 8th birthday. It always creeps up on us being so close to the Christmas holiday and, as usual, we didn’t prepare far enough in advance. I decided on Friday to invite his cousin for a sleepover and allow my son to choose to do whatever he liked on his big day. He was happy with the plan. He is always so laid back and accepting when it comes to his birthday, which I am grateful for. He could easily go all dramatic and pout like his sister, but he doesn’t.

Everything was fine until my husband decided to invite others without talking to me first. No big deal except it turned into two nights of sleepovers instead of one. Sleepovers can be a headache, especially if the child staying over is anxious about it, which this friend was. I was awakened at 2:30am by his wandering the house and watching TV in the middle of the night. 😦

On top of all the birthday chaos, my daughter somehow misplaced her phone. The entire evening last night was spent looking for her phone amidst her wails of despair. I had just installed Norton Family on her phone which allows me to see the phone’s location. The phone is in the house according to Norton, yet, suspiciously, we cannot find it anywhere. It has completely vanished!

In addition to all the phone craziness, I noticed our coat closet was very empty. Upon inspection, I noticed all but one of my coats was in there. One is a new coat I got for Christmas that I absolutely love. I’ve looked everywhere for it and cannot find it. Both my son’s coats are missing from the closet, too. So we have more mysteriously lost items.

Interesting tidbit of info, though – while looking for my daughter’s phone I was checking my husband’s coat pockets and found the remote to the Roku TV which has been missing for several weeks. So, one “mysterious” lost item recovered via all the searching, BUT it was never lost to begin with. My husband likes to hide remotes and other devices from my kids because he feels they spend to much time on them. Then he forgets where he hides them. This happened to my daughter’s last phone, which we found by accident a whole year after it was lost! Of course, it doesn’t work now, some battery malfunction. Currently hidden are my Kindle (grrr!) and (I believe) my daughter’s phone. In the past he has hidden keyboards, mouses, and even my laptop! It is infuriating to say the least.

Oh and have to add that, just last week my husband said to me about my daughter, “We should have never gotten her a phone.” Humph!

Put all of the above together and it makes for a difficult time falling asleep. 😦

OBEs

After being awakened by the child sleeping over, I struggled to fall asleep. Everything about the previous day was in my head swirling around. It made me feel rigid and uncomfortable. Plus, my nose was stopping up and bothering me. After over an hour (and some nasal spray), I managed to somehow drift off.

#1

I was in a dream I don’t recall now, but did upon waking (grr!). What I recall next is hearing what sounded like my boss’ voice talking about some man named, “Kamir”. While she was talking about him I saw images of him flash in my mind. He looked like a body builder, very muscular and tan. I can’t recall what she was talking about now but at the time I heard every word and was following along quite well. At the time my body was vibrating at such a high level that it felt numb with an energy that I can only describe as “cold”, though that is not accurate. I instinctively knew I could exit my body, so I did.

When I exited I found myself in my room but my vision was not “on”. I said several times, “Clarity now!” When I did this, my vision turned on and I was able to see clearly the darkened room. I floated down the stairs toward the front door, looking around at my house for things that were out of place. I noticed nothing unusual. I remember trying to stay calm because I wanted to make it out the front door. The last several OBEs I’ve had ended at the front door and I wanted badly to change that pattern. Sadly, as soon as I got up to the door I returned to my body.

#2

Back in my body I was aware again of the odd energy. My heart was beating fast but I ignored it. I had hynagogia for a bit. It looked like tiny cheerio bubbles in my vision. Not lingering, I exited my body and attempted to leave my house again. Sadly, once I got to the door I felt pulled back to my body.

The sensations were the same upon re-entry. So odd but not uncomfortable really. I knew to ignore them and again shifted OOB. This time, when I got to my bedroom door I saw another door perpendicular to it that is not there in real life. I opened it and the floor seemed to slant down a bit. In front of me I saw a white wall with a 3D maze on it. When I stepped through, I turned to my right and saw another white door. It opened and when I went through I was not in my house, but some other house.

Inside the other house I saw a living/dining area with older furnishings. There were afghans draped over the leather sofas and I could see a double glass sliding door leading outside. The sun was shining through them illuminating the space and making it feel very inviting. I remember thinking, “I know this place.” Yet I have no clue where I have seen it before! I turned and walked through an arch on my left into the living room where I saw more familiar furnishings, a large window and a door in the far right. In my mind I was thinking, “This is his house.” Yet I have no idea who I was referring to.

Before I could explore further and look for people (I kept expecting to see his mother walk in), I was again pulled back to my body. This time I was much more aware of my heart beating very rapidly in my chest and the odd, high vibrations were getting very uncomfortable.

#3

I shifted into the in-between I believe at this time, but it is hard to say for sure. I may have been OOB but I cannot recall any visuals or travel. What I do remember is having a conversation with a man. I recognized him and called him, “Will” and I knew his full name was William Buhlman. He asked me how I liked being part of the group and asked me for an update. I knew I was assigned to a group of three and that we were part of a larger OBE group/community that worked to gather information via out-of-body experiences. I don’t recall now what I reported because I was so shocked by the revelation that I went back to my body awareness.

#4

Aware again of my body I could tell I needed to calm myself a bit and ease into exiting rather than force it. I decided to think of swaying or rocking my astral body. When I did this I felt encouraged to shift from side to side to back and forth, as if on a swing. I went with it and felt to be pulled forward by invisible hands. They were very gentle and I was not afraid.

I could feel myself holding onto like a trapeze swing and sensed hands opening up to catch me as I jumped off. I let go and flew toward the invisible outstretched hands. As I did this my vision turned on 100% and I saw my bedroom wall getting closer and closer. I was flying head-first into my wall! No hands to be seen, I was caught off-guard and this woke me fully.

Heart beating rapidly I came back to body awareness quickly and lingered a while to see if I could exit again. I could tell I had lost my chance and so shifted positions in bed from laying on my right side to on my back. I settled and tried again to reach the vibrational state needed to exit.

test

Dream: Intervention

This time I shifted into a lucid dream rather than exiting. I was sitting propped up in my bed in my old bedroom back at my mom’s. In my lap was a test (life lessons). A female voice was reading the instructions but I was already filling in my answers. She advised me to take my time and pay attention. I looked at my answers and saw the numbers on the answer sheet did not go in order. I read, “5, 1, 3.” Catching my mistake, I went back and erased my answers and made corrections.

I lost interest in the test soon after. Then I heard a male voice to my left ask me, “What do you want to do?” I said to him, “I would really like some company.” I was craving a bit of Kundalini Union/bliss and bored of taking the test. Within seconds of my reply a familiar looking man entered my vision from the left and sat on top of me, facing me. He was chipper and talking about his life. I could see him and hear him so clearly! His hips were sitting directly over my own and he wrapped his arms around me as he talked to me. I could feel his fingers on my bare back as if I were awake. I relished the feeling of his touch as if I had not been touched in ages. I wish I could remember what he was saying to me because it was like we were continuing a previous conversation. At the time it all made complete sense.

As we embraced and I began to snuggle into him, someone burst through my bedroom door. I looked up and it was my mom and another woman. The woman had some people behind her and they were asking me questions. She rudely came up to the bed and dispersed the papers I had spread out in from of me. I stood up and protested, pushing them back through the door. I was wearing only a loose sweatshirt and underwear.

My mom was saying something like, “Let them in. They are trying to help you.” The woman had in her hand some paper and a pen and was asking me questions I can’t recall now but they were about my state of mind and future plans. I recognized they were from the church and was infuriated with my mom for asking them to come.

I kept pushing them out of my room and they kept pushing back. When I locked the door, they unlocked it with a key my mom had given them. My mom was telling them I needed help because I had said untrue things about her to a man. I pushed up against the door with all my weight and looked for things to put against the door to block their entry. Nothing was heavy enough, though, and eventually they overpowered me.

Standing face to face with my mom and the church woman I let them tell me why they were there. My mom said I had told her father untruths about her. I saw in my mind a man named John Bell and he was very old and wrinkled. He spoke to me, telling me I had told my mom things that were not true. I can’t recall now what that was but it had to do with another woman I believe, like him having an affair. I explained that I had not done what he claimed and the issue was all cleared up. The church people told me goodbye and the woman asked me why I was so upset. I told her, “Well, you burst in at a bad time. I was having a sexual dream.” lol Note: I have an ancestor name John Bell I believe but he would be my great-grandfather or something like that. I never met him in this life.

Then the scene shifted and I was outside standing in a cul-de-sac. There were small mobile homes all around me. One in particular got my attention. I flew around the cul-de-sac really fast once and then paused at the mobile home. It was painted in bright colors with images that reminded me of a circus or fair. I decided to go up to it and saw a small window near the entry. As I got closer a tiny but old dog began to bark at me. I went up to it and saw it was blind and had only two teeth. I let it sniff me and it seemed fine until I lost my balance and nearly fell. Then it began to lunge at me, barking and growling. It was kinda funny because it was so old and I did not have to move fast to avoid it.

The home had a ramp built up to a tiny porch. The railings were made of bent branches. I walked up the ramp and would jump up and out of reach of the blind dog. Eventually, though, it nipped me. It felt like a tiny pinch. Someone called off the dog and I looked and saw an elderly couple walking toward me. They had another dog with them that was friendly. They went inside the trailer after talking with me briefly. I remember feeling admiration for them.

As I walked back down the ramp I saw a man approaching only his back was to me. When I got to him he turned around and asked if I had avoided the dog. When I said it nipped me and turned to face me and went on his way after saying something about how it was normal.

I kept walking and saw a sign posted on a chalkboard. It said, “Fresh Brewed coffee served daily. $4.50/pot.” I thought it nice and liked the feel of the community.

My awareness peaked after that and I shifted to a bed inside the mobile home I had just left. I knew I had just died and left my body. I was a dark haired very attractive woman. I watched myself leave the body. I felt my awareness of my death and saw my naked body. Then my awareness was as the woman and I flew out of the mobile home feeling free and wanting to explore.

Messages

I felt myself return to my body. The same vibrations were evident. It is a cold sensation and kinda makes me feel numb. My heart was beating fast but not erratically and it settled quickly.

Laying in bed mulling over what happened I shifted back to the in-between. A male voice from my left began to speak to me, reminding me to be patient. Specifically he said, “Wait” in response to my thoughts about how I have been feeling about my life. He also asked me if I was ready for more OOB travels. This surprised me because I have not been OOB much in a while. I said I would be open to more.

After a brief pause where I began to drift to sleep having thoughts of someone, he said to me, “Don’t change what you cannot bear.”

This brought me out of my reverie and I thought it an odd thing to say. I kept rewording it, saying to myself, ‘He must mean, “Don’t try to change what you feel you cannot bear.'” I knew it meant that it was those things you feel that are unbearable that teach you the most.

A memory of when I found out I was pregnant with my youngest came to mind. I was furious and felt I would not be able to handle another pregnancy and child. It felt unfair and I mourned for the first six months of my pregnancy. Yet now, almost five years later, I have managed just fine. What I thought I couldn’t bear, I could. It all turned out just fine and my life is fuller and more colorful because my youngest is in it.

Then I thought of other instances where I thought I would not make it through a situation. With this memory came a vision from the male presence to my left. I saw two tennis shoes tied together. The shoe on the left was the right foot of a man I know. The shoe on the right was my left shoe. It seemed like I was being told that our paths are one and the same but it is hard to say. Either way, we are joined at least at the feet. lol

I recognized the male energy I sensed to my left as different from the one in my dream. He confirmed and said, “We are all here for you.” It felt like I had a group gathered nearby and the idea of the “intervention” came to me. We talked a bit longer and he reminded me that I need to be strong but also that I need to stop resisting. It felt as if little, irritating things like what happened yesterday are more likely right now and that I need to just ride them out.

The male energy kept sending me a message via song, “And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while, ’cause you’re amazing, just the way you are.”

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Big Cat Dream Theme

I keep having crazy dreams with big cats in them. It started off with tigers, shifted to lions and then morphed into all sorts of big cats together.

Here is the progression thus far:

First dream I recall is being in a fenced, paved area. It was full of tigers, all of which were completely soaked and waterlogged looking. I walked through the group of 10+ tigers calmly, petting each of them as I passed, and talking to them. They felt like my pets.

In another dream I was handling tiger cubs. I don’t recall much from this dream except sitting amidst an entire litter of them and thinking them cute.

Last night I had a dream where I was on top of a building that was at least 5 stories high. I was hanging off a flag pole. Below me were various big cats seeming to wait for me to fall so they could eat me. One was on the roof looking down at me. I believe it was a leopard because I distinctly recall seeing spots. Someone below shot one of the big cats – a lion. I knew it was to distract the other big cats so they would forget me. Sure enough, once the lion was wounded all the other big cats converged upon it to eat it. They began to fight over it and I watched as they tore at its flesh and fought one another off. The leopard above me jumped down to join the feast. I was clear to crawl up and get away but the dream ended there.

These are just the dreams that pop into my head. I believe I already wrote about others I’ve had prior to this post. This one and this one for starters.

I can’t help but wonder – Why am I dreaming of big cats all of a sudden?

Firstly, in my most recent dream, the leopard stood out.

Together, the big cats symbolize the following:

  • Passion & Sensuality
  • Courage
  • Strength
  • Cunning
  • Vision
  • Confidence
  • Power
  • Agility
  • Flexibility
  • Action
  • Patience
  • Leadership
  • The Feminine

My intuition tells me that all these dreams about big cats are showing me something about myself that either I am not acknowledging or am afraid of.

Taken along with the dream I had last night about conquering an evil, domineering, controlling, slave-driving woman, it seems I am working on addressing my power and fear of abusing that power, or using it for the wrong reasons and with the intent to harm or control others.

In the distant past, years ago now, I had dream of being surrounded by hundreds of cats. I’m not kidding! In the dream, I found myself on the top of a mountainside talking to one of my guides when a massive group of cats, mostly orange, surrounded me. The message I got was to not be afraid of myself – of my desire. In that dream I was freaked out, though not by the cats themselves but by the impending doom feeling that came over me. Over a period of several years, cats were common dream symbols. Sometimes fluffy white kittens that I cuddled, other times sick and emaciated, and then sometimes just there, staring at me. Not surprisingly, the Kundalini became active around this time as well.

If I go inward, what it feels like these cats are trying to tell me is that I am stronger than I think and to trust myself, my power, and ability to take action when it is needed. There is a sense that my feminine side is especially needing to heed this advice.

The sense that these dreams are pointing at my feminine aspect is further supported by other dreams. I already mentioned killing off a negative, controlling and evil version of myself, but last night I had another dream that subtly points to the feminine.

Dream

In this dream I was walking across the border to Alabama but the scene I saw was me literally standing on a map and crossing a white line.

I then briefly shifted into a room where I was with a group and then I shifted again into a car that was driving across a bridge. I noticed that there were no guard rails on the bridge and began to worry about falling over the edge. I was not driving so I told the driver to stay away from the edge, to stay on the right. He disregarded my requests and I felt very anxious until we were safely on the other side.

Then I noticed the road we were on was on a steep ledge. Again, there were no guard rails to keep us from falling off. Again I was concerned about the left side of the road. I said to the driver, “I don’t like Alabama. They don’t put guard rails on their roads. Who would do that? It’s dangerous! They must have wrecks all the time!” In my mind I envisioned cars nose diving into embankments and people hurt and bleeding from accidentally driving too close to the edge of the road.

Then I was back in the room with the group of people. They seemed to be Native Americans but I only got this idea from the one man I was interacting with. He was thin, with long, black hair, bare chested, reddish skin tone, and had only one arm – his left arm. He had in his hand a protein bar and he handed it to me asking me what I thought of it. I read the ingredients but can’t recall now what I read. I responded that I would not like it and showed him what I did like, commenting on the fiber content. He grabbed it with his left hand and I remember realizing he had no arm and wondering how he lost it. I knew he was born that way somehow and felt bad for him. I imagined what it must be like.

Interpretation

Though this may not seem at all related to the feminine, it is.

The lack of guard rails on the left is a reference to the left side of the body, which is the side associated with feminine traits. The road has no guard rails, which symbolizes no protection, no barrier. So I am afraid of losing myself to the feminine for some reason; afraid of my own feminine power, senses, etc.

Similarly, the Native American man I am talking to in the dream has no right arm. I believe this was to get me to notice the left arm and how he was able to function perfectly fine without the right one. I suspect I was talking with a guide and the discussion we were having was about how I felt about standing in my own power, that being feminine power specifically.

I’m not sure about the symbolism of Alabama, if there is any. It could just be symbolic of stepping into a different “state” of being. lol I laugh because that actually makes sense to me.

The discussion about the protein bar is likely about my preferences. He shows me one that is distasteful and I show him what I like. I cannot recall much about his option except that it was high in fat. My best guess at the symbolism here is that I feel his option is not good for me somehow.

This dream along with other dreams and messages I’ve been having suggests I am being prepped for a potential and/or upcoming decision/event that necessitates my coming to terms with my own feminine power in some way. Signs and syncs have been pointing this out to me as well.

Here is one that comes to mind:

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Another sync or realization that came to me was related to Athens, GA.

A long-time friend of mine just recently (in December) moved to Athens, GA from Austin, TX. She left everything behind and started brand new, in a place where she knew no one. She has guts, right!? And when I first heard of her move I was jealous. I wished I had her guts. Still do.

But then yesterday, I stumbled upon a dream I had a while back in which I was shown Athens, GA. I had no idea what the dream was referring to because it made no sense with my life or plans. I realized, after re-reading the post, that I was likely being shown something future-related. At the time of the dream I didn’t know anyone in Athens, GA. Now I do.

Anyway, it may seem unrelated but I think is somehow is, I just don’t know exactly how the puzzle piece fits just yet.

 

 

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Once an Empath, Always an Empath

Odd clearing dreams the last three nights! Weird progressions mixed with strange mixes of symbolism and characters. Twice now I’ve awakened in tears, too. Seems a purging at a deep level is occurring and I suspect the majority of it is not my personal stuff.

Dreams from 1-08-19

The main one was about J (the lady with cancer who I came to help out at work), only I kept calling her “June”. I remember tending to her and visiting her over a course of time. Each time she seemed okay but was getting gradually worse. Toward the end it looked like she was dying but she would recover and hold on. This happened over and over again and it upset me. I kept crying in my dream and it woke me up in tears. I felt so sad and the sadness was from watching the deterioration of a human life. It also was odd to me that I kept calling her June. I think it may have to do with the time of her death. I wonder, will she hold on that long?

The next dream was about this illness that would cause people to go insane and kill others. I was running and hid in a bathroom where I suddenly needed to take a huge poop, which I did right in front of two other females. There was a child with me and another women. The woman seemed to have the illness and kept grabbing her face and looking off into the distance with terror in her eyes.

When I woke the Coldplay song Don’t Panic – “We live in a beautiful world” – was going through my head as was the song, “You’re amazing, just the way you are…..”

1-10-19

Strange dream about the car last night. I got into the Prius and noticed the gas was all gone. It was so empty that the car was dying and re-starting again and again. Thankfully I was at the gas station and pulled up to the pump. While I was searching for money I saw I had forgotten my billfold, checkbook and phone. My purse was practically empty. I opened the center compartment to see if my husband had left his wallet and it was there along with his phone. I remember thinking of my options after cussing silently to myself. I had no way to contact anyone. The only person’s number I had memorized was my husband’s and his phone was with me. I figured I would have to walk to get help and leave the car at the station.

Then I thought to check in his wallet and found wads of money – $100, $50 and tons of ones. Amazed that he had so much and relieved that I was not stuck there, I prepared to get out and pump some gas. As I opened the door and went to the pump someone was opening my trunk. I yelled at them to stop and just as I did I saw another person jump into the passenger side of the car, grab my coat and run away. I yelled at her as I closed my trunk. Then someone jumped into the driver’s side, locked the door and grabbed the wallet with money. They looked at me as I realized they had everything of mine and my husband’s along with the car key. I had been targeted and fallen for it.

I had a vision too that is mostly lost to me now. It was of what looked like chunks of beeswax filled with honey. It was in blocks and they were stacking one on top of the other. The message I felt it relayed was that this year will be emotional – but good emotion (sweet like honey). It felt like I would meet someone who could reciprocate my desires/needs.

Last Night

Dream 1

The first dream I recall is of being in a living room with a man and woman. They were nurses or healers tending to me. I was welcomed in and asked to take a seat. I sat in a large, plush chair. They were very kind to me as they asked me how I’d been and took an inventory of my symptoms. I don’t remember much here except feeling a strong desire to go poop. I remember telling the male nurse and him encouraging me to do so right there in the chair. So, I did, and in the dream it was very real-like and memorable. I remember feeling very odd being in front of them and in a nice, plush chair like that. The chair was brown I believe.

When finished I sat in my poop as we talked some more (ick!). When it was time to leave I remember mentioning the mess and both nurses told me not to worry. They helped me stand and I had absolutely nothing – no mess at all – on my yoga pants. There was one tiny wet spot that I wiped off but that was it. I thought it very strange that I had been sitting in my own shit (lol) for so long and did not have any on me! The two nurses took the chair over to a bathroom and set it down. I remember seeing the pile of crap in the chair and commenting, “At least it wasn’t diarrhea!” As I left the place I noted the chair sitting by the toilet, soiled but salvageable and thinking the whole situation very odd.

Dream 2

In the next dream I recall I walked into a hotel room where a man was standing and waiting. I was instructed to make him a drink. He wanted Vodka and OJ. I did not know where the Vodka was so he helped me search the bottles until we found it. Then I poured him a drink but when adding the OJ I grabbed some other liquor – Cognac or something – but caught myself before pouring it in. There was another man in the room who commented on my lack of experience. I told him I worked for the hotel but not usually in that capacity.

Then I was with several others who worked with me. We were all overworked and mistreated. It felt like we had no choice. There was a woman who controlled all of us. She was very selfish – evil even – and worked us until we either died or could not work anymore, in which case she would “get rid of us”.

I lay on the floor next to a young man who was very skinny and gawky. I knew him and snuggled up against him. We were both naked for some reason and he allowed me to snuggle but it got to much for him and he rolled over, back to me. I felt huge amounts of sympathy for him and apologized, saying, “I’m sorry. You’re probably not ready for that yet.” I sensed he had suffered much abuse and humiliation, just like the rest of us.

The scene shifted and I was with the evil woman. She was nicely dressed with dark hair wearing Victorian Era clothing that was a deep red velvet with black lace trim. I was dressed similarly and doing as she told me, which I think involved walking the streets and tending to men’s needs. I only remember being forced to walk around and serve others for hours without rest, food or drink. I watched from outside myself as I fell and got up again and again. My legs had bruises all over them and my back hurt really bad. Each time I fell I got up again because I knew if I didn’t she would have someone get rid of me. So I kept getting up even though I began to vomit all over myself.

Eventually, I stumbled and hit my head on a wall going in and out of consciousness. I fell, falling into a lunge position. I heaved but nothing came out. I heard the woman yelling at me to get up and sensed men nearby ready to take me away when I passed out. The woman began to leave, turning her back on me and saying something nasty indicating she was done with me.

In a final surge of energy fueled by my will to live and take back my power, I grabbed a pole with an ornamental tip made of mahogany. I lunged forward, aimed it at the woman and drove it through her solar plexus. I pushed until it stopped, embedded in a wall. The woman was skewered and died while looking at me with shock in her eyes.

The dream shifted and I was floating over a nice house on the edge of the water. I was being told it was the woman’s house and though it looked plain on the outside, inside it was grand like the inside of a mansion. The woman did this purposefully so that no one knew her true nature. There was a boat ramp that shone a brilliant white stretched out over the water. I landed on it as the man with me told me, “What is on the outside very seldom matches what is on the inside”.

The man (guide) with me seemed to be gone and in the same instance my friends from the hotel landed on the ramp in front of me. The gawky young man stood in front of me and a woman was to his right. They both congratulated me. I hugged the man, wrapping my arms around him. He said to me, “You did a good job!” When he said this, his words struck me deeply. I could feel him very physically and I began to tremble and then shake in his arms. My entire body shook so intensely that I clung to him so that I would not collapse at his feet. I began to sob uncontrollably as I clung to him. The feeling was a mixture of relief and reunion. I felt this man knew very intimately my deepest hurt because he had experienced it, too. He shared it with me. He KNEW and because of that I felt immense relief at not being alone. So I was able to release emotions long suppressed. Emotion that I hid from others because I knew they would not understand and would judge me.

When I woke I wished that I had someone in my life who understood me like the man in my dream did. I suddenly wanted to reach out to a person I knew understood. In my mind I began to write a letter sharing my experiences and many other things that I would not – could not – share with others. It felt good thinking about this. Real. What I shared in my mind was not my stuff but a sense of the other’s stuff – issues, feelings, fears, hurt….guilt and shame. I knew I had taken on these things in an attempt to help. My guidance pointed it out to me and I said, “I know.” In my heart I know I would take it all on if I had to.

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Message: Awakening

Surprising night of dreams.

First, I woke around 4:30am and couldn’t go back to sleep because I heard this ticking in the walls. It sounded like a clock. I couldn’t find the source of it and had to turn on the fan to drown out the sound so I could sleep.

As I was trying to go to sleep, I felt a presence to my left. When acknowledged a surge of energy went through my body filling me with bliss. It started at my heart chakra and spread outward. I melted into it. He said to me something telepathically – it was more a feeling than words. It felt like I was being asked, “Are you ready?”

Lucid Dream: Zero

The dream began with me inside a high school classroom. I was looking at the lesson plan left by the teacher. It was a history class (review of past lessons) and the lesson was that the kids would read a chapter and then complete a worksheet. Only there was only one worksheet there. I told the class and they encouraged me to make copies of the worksheet telling me there were 20 of them. I left them despite knowing it was not good to leave a class unattended.

I found the copy machine in the lounge and a teacher was finishing up her copy (repeat lesson). She helped me with mine and I pressed in “20” and waited. The machine was glitchy and I recall having to check the copies and redo. The first time I got copies of hand written pages that I accidentally put through. The next time I had fewer copies than I needed and had to put in 5 more. The button would glow blue and I would have to press it again. I remember feeling nervous that it was taking so long and the kids were still in the room alone.

Eventually, an older Asian man came in and set some things down in the middle of the floor by the machine. He had with him many objects including a sheet cake with chocolate frosting that he set on the floor in front of me. I believe it was my birthday cake (new journey). He then lit the candle on the cake but they began to melt into the frosting and light the cake on fire (Kundalini or passion perhaps?). I leaned down and began to blow out the candles and the fire on the frosting. I remember saying the cake was fine after I blew out the fire.

Then I walked into a classroom filled with adult students. There were long tables in rows facing the font of the class. I took a seat at the front table but it was not the seat I originally wanted. Someone had taken my seat. I said aloud, “I guess I have to sit here since someone took my seat.” I saved a place to my right for someone but I do not know who.

The class was like an anatomy class and the teacher handed out stickers we were to place on our partners on the correct muscles.

Then I was entering the class (lesson) again and sat down at the second table. A man was seated in front of me and was not wearing a shirt. I could see his broad shoulders and muscular back. I had with me the stickers to place on my partner and said to him, “I prefer you as my partner. I can see your muscles very well. Everyone else (looking around the room) has at least 1 inch or more of fat covering their muscles.” I remember looking at the woman who had taken my seat and all the people at the front table as examples.

I began to place small, crescent shaped (moon, feminine) stickers on the man’s back. The sticker sheet resembled an image of the inside of the mouth with teeth (fulfilled wishes). My memory goes from the stickers to the man’s back, specifically his broad shoulders.

The man then invited me to come with him. I agreed. He took me through a door into what he called the “otter room”. I saw canals of water (emotion) that was flowing like a tube-shoot at a water park. In the water I saw several otters (playfulness, good fortune) swimming and a huge brown bear (independence, strength, death/renewal) chasing one. I said to the man, “There is a bear chasing the otter!” He responded as if it were normal but I was shocked.

At some point we joined with others and I realized we all seemed quite young – 20s maybe. The man I was with was suppose to be with another woman but she was not there. The dream is quite fuzzy here but I remember the man and I getting close, face to face, our bodies rubbing up against each another. His chest was still bare but he was wearing bluejeans. He was quite handsome and I enjoyed being close to him and feeling his bare chest pressed up against me. I felt him become aroused and knew he wanted to kiss me. I allowed him to and the kiss seemed to bring about lucidity all at once but I was able to stay stable in the moment and enjoy the kiss. The sensations of it all were very real.

He stopped, out of breath, and looked at me, pupils fully dilated from the passion he was feeling. All I remember of this part of the dream was the way he looked at me. It was fantastic. lol We stayed there facing each other and holding hands for a while. He called me by a nickname I can’t remember and I said, “What do you want to be called?” He smiled and said back to me, “Zero.” Only the word sounded more like, “Cero”, like he had a Spanish accent. I responded with, “Cero? I like that!”

Then we kissed some more. I remember the scene we were in to be swirling with a golden color. Always in motion as if we were creating the space with our energy. It felt neither to be inside or outside. The golden color is very prominent in my memory.

He stopped, out of breath, and said to me, “I want to fuck you.” lol I was fully agreeable and he took my hand and led me toward a door. Fully lucid at this point, I was thinking to myself that I needed to keep my emotions and feelings in check so as to not lose lucidity. I wanted to be able to go all the way in a lucid dream without waking up. Surprisingly, I was able to remain very stable in the scene and remember the man turning and looking at me expectantly as we walked toward the door. I could feel my hand in his and sense the anticipation building.

Sadly, as we walked through the door the scene dematerialized and went black. My awareness briefly returned to my physical body and then exited back to the golden dream scene only the man I had been with was gone. I was surrounded by a group of young men. The energy from them was intense and full of passion and arousal like the man I had been with before. Usually, this kind of energy would intimidate me but I was not at all bothered by it. It seemed normal and I trusted that they would all keep themselves under control, which they did.

I told one of the young men I wanted to find Cero. He said he would help but that he wanted to show me something first. He took my hand and led me to a large, white RV (feeling empowered, live life to the fullest), like a Winnebago. The group of young men followed. As I climbed the stairs into the RV one of the young men who was behind me seem to insert something into my anus, or at least it felt energetically like that. This is not unusual for me to feel in my root chakra as I have had many experiences of tubes or cylinders seeming to be inserted via my root and then go all the way up to my crown. I tried to keep going but the sensation stopped me and my root chakra began to activate to the point of pulling me out of the lucid dream.

Message: Awakening

The song by the Black Keys – Fever – was going through my mind when I woke up. I began to mull over my dreams. Images from my dreams kept flashing through my memory. The cake that was on fire was one of them. The RV another.

Then I couldn’t help but think of the ticking I heard in the walls. What was that? I was reminded of an Edgar Allen Poe story about a beating heart. I couldn’t remember the title and began to try to remember it. When I did I saw distinctly a poem written in front of me. The title was huge and written in beautiful calligraphy. It said, “Awakening.”

This woke me briefly and then I settled back into the in-between. Not long after a hand-written letter was presented to me. I saw my name and then began to read it. The message had to do with the process I am going through, but, of course, I can’t recall it now despite repeating it to myself mentally more than once. Whatever the message, it was not a bad one.

 

 

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Cinderella and the Beast

Strange night of dreams but at least I woke in a much more positive mood. My first thought was, “Uranus isn’t retrograde anymore.” I am secretly celebrating this, though I’m not sure why. lol

Dream: Covered in Glitter

I was going to a large meeting and told my signature was needed on some paperwork. All sorts of people attended, some very odd. It seemed like I had entered into fairy tale (hidden potential) land by the looks of everyone around me. The women wore long ballgowns and the men were nicely dressed in suits and ties. I remember watching as each was invited to come sign a long scroll-like paper (hidden potential and knowledge). It was to sign in the new president of Texas. I was aware we don’t have a president of Texas and it confused me. I kept saying, “Governor” and others would correct me and say, “No, president!” lol Note: As I write this I am thinking of the song Deep in the Heart of Texas and feel the symbolism of Texas in my dreams = heart or center/core.

I remember seeing these tiny people who were no larger than the length of the pointer finger. One announced his anniversary with his partner who he pointed out across the room. He was a tiny man dressed in a tiny suit. I went over to investigate and picked up what looked like a tiny toothpick broken in half. The tiny man seemed to object and I realized it was a tiny sword or knife. I also opened a chest full of other tiny items which fascinated me but quickly put them away.

The wait seemed forever and I left for a while, wandering into a classroom where I was opening up my locker to move my things out. I told two men – teachers – I had been reassigned. When I saw all my things were athletic gear like dodge balls and other items I was not sure what to do. One joked as I took my stuff and left.

Back in the room with all the dressed up people the line to sign the scroll was still very long. A break was ordered and people began to leave. I went past a huge metal box that was as big as a room and then turned to go back to the signing. My name was called and when I went to sign the paper I was pulled up into the air and a dress was fitted over my head. It was blue and looked like Cinderella’s dress (there is a happily ever after, maybe feeling underappreciated or overlooked). As I was set down glitter (need to pay attention)  was poured all over me. By the time my feet touched ground I was covered from head to toe in sparkling, silver (feminine) glitter (be outgoing, “shine”). Everyone congratulated me as I went up to sign the paper. When I signed, my mom asked me what name I used. I told her and she said, “Why did you sign that name?” I looked down and saw my current married name written on the scroll and told her, “Because that’s my name.” I then carefully molded out the first letter of my name with thin metal. The letter was from my legal name, not my nickname.

Still in my blue, Cinderella gown and covered entirely in glitter, I was guided toward a man – the King (Divine Masculine maybe?) – who was seated up high in a chair to my left. On my right was an empty chair – or throne. I felt him to be my partner and remember saying to him, “But I am covered in glitter” as if mattered. As it settled in that we were  partners, I asked him, “What about your wife?” He seemed not to care and looked me straight in the eyes. He was familiar and he glowed with light as if he were also covered in glitter. I felt this odd sensation or energy come over me as I looked at him.

Then it was as if a pane of glass was between us that seemed to be there and then not be there. I looked down and saw my gown burst and rip at the seams. Long, brown hair sprouted all over my body, doubling my size. I saw myself as a beast of some sort and remember thinking, “I look like Sasquatch.”

As I woke, the song from the movie Beauty and the Beast was going through my head.

I promise I have not recently watched either Cinderella or Beauty and the Beast! lol The entire dream was quite odd but also fascinating, especially the part where I started sprouting hair and looked like a Sasquatch. My first thoughts upon waking were about the symbolism of Cinderella and the “beast” I became in the end. Perhaps I am feeling taken advantage of and hope that one day a prince or similar will come in and rescue me? Or maybe it is all about the “fairy tale” ideal girls are taught?

The beast could be a version of myself I am being warned about. Sasquatch in a dream indicates that I will need to be strong in order to get through a particularly difficult social or emotional situation.

All I know is that the “King” in the dream was the same man from my last dream and he was glowing again. So weird! And the pane of glass was odd as well. Perhaps I can see/am aware of the man but something I cannot see/am unaware of is keeping us apart?

I tried to ignore the dream – to forget it altogether – but I couldn’t. I kept seeing myself covered in hair. LOL Interesting enough, hair symbolizes strength, so not only does looking like Sasquatch suggest I will need to be strong, but so does growing hair all over my body.

If this is what Uranus going direct does to me then I have an interesting 6 months to look forward! Uranus goes retrograde again on August 12th. 🙂

 

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Dream: Review of the Past

No tears in dreamland this morning. 🙂 I can’t say that the dreamwork has stopped, however. Seems a type of guide-led life review is in the works. These happen every once in a while but I suspect they are on-going as this life unfolds. The life reviews that I notice most, however, are the ones where I am conscious of my reaction to viewing certain incidents and/or patterns that I am being shown. Last night was a good example of this.

Dream: Review of the Past

This dream is fuzzy for the most part with certain scenes more vivid than others. I will do my best to recount as fully as possible.

The dream begins with me looking up my mom’s driveway at the gate. Someone has left a mess and so I go up to investigate. I am warned to be careful but have no fear as I pick up what look like large, yellow, plastic pipes with inserts. I pick them up and put the inserts inside and mention how someone must have taken them. I put them aside and a car pulls up.

Then I am on a road in Montana. I am in the car with my ex. We are young, probably in our first years of marriage. I do not recognize the road but it is typical of most roads in the state – two lanes with nothing but wide-open space and tall grass on either side.

My ex takes me to a club. We often went clubbing early on. He liked to country dance and hang out in bars with friends. This particular club felt sleazy to me. The women who worked there reminded me of topless dancers though there was nothing to indicate they were anything other than ordinary waitresses.

The dream gets fuzzy here but I remember talking to someone about my marriage and my treatment of my husband during that time. I make a statement – an evaluation of my time with him. Though the exact words are lost to me, it was along the lines of recognizing how the things that upset me were pointless and my focus on them a distraction from appreciating life and the beauty that surrounded me. I have had this realization before but in this dream it was particularly humbling. I remember seeing every moment with my ex in one streak of golden light that passed in front of my eyes from left to right. Contained within it were images – faces mostly. The feeling I got was very tense, like a ball of coiled up string. With it I remembered how I felt after our divorce – regret at how I treated him, the love I felt that was not expressed as often as it should have been, and the sadness that was left behind.

Back in the bar, another man joins us and is flirting with me. I am not attracted to him and ignore his advances but before I know what is happening he is beneath me sucking on my toes (someone trying to reassure me that I am progressing). I pull away in shock thinking him very strange.

As we leave the woman waitress invites me to return the next night – Tuesday.

I return the next day with my mom early in the morning – around 10am. The waitress greets us and asks us if we want to order lunch. My mom orders popcorn (positive growth) and comes back dropping half of it on the floor as she walks. I say to her, “Mom! You dropped half of your popcorn!” She doesn’t care and grabs a handful and eats it.

The bar is almost empty and as I look around I notice all the walls are garage doors (feeling stuck or “parked”). Some are open and some closed. When we attempt to leave all the doors begin to close, trapping us inside and leaving only one exit (only one path forward). The waitress tells me our car will be pulled inside and we can leave through the one open door.

Dream: Contract Advice

I am sitting at a desk with a woman sitting on my left. Another women is sitting across from us. There is a computer monitor on the left of the woman. The woman is looking at the screen and being shown paperwork she is to fill out electronically. I am giving her advice about the contract which feels like a mortgage. She is concerned about her credit score and asking how long it will take for it to improve. I tell her that it should take about 5 years. She doesn’t like hearing this. I say, “5 years is nothing. It will fly by. You’ll see.” In my mind I am reminded of how fast my life has passed me by since I had children. Then, I tell her about my own experience and how quickly I was able to correct my score and then corrected myself and said it was not my credit I was fixing but another’s.

As I tell the woman to my left about how lucky she is to not have to sign a huge stack of paperwork the lady behind the desk continues to talk and looks straight at me as if I am not there. When the lady finishes speaking she pulls out a pile of papers and says to me, “I printed these today.” She handed me one of the papers and I look at it. It seems to be insurance policies. I can still see the boxes and lettering in my mind now, but cannot remember the words. I turn to a page that is about insurance that covers car accidents. It covers all vehicles for the life of the person who owns the policy. I see a flash of a white car whose bumper is crumpled in with a gash in the passenger side door. I remember thinking that I will buy the policy because it is a great idea and costs only $5 a year. I see in my mind all the cars I have owned and how few accidents I have had but think it a good idea to get the policy “just in case” I have an accident.

Interpretation

I woke up knowing that I was looking for assurance that my life choices would be covered if I were to make a mistake. It also felt like there was a type of contract negotiation going on where I was telling a version of myself about how long it would take to repair my “credit”. Perhaps “credit” = karma? And “contract” is referring to the length of time it will take to repay karmic debt? The number 5 repeats in this dream making me wonder if perhaps it will be another 5 years before the contract is complete. To think of that length of time is daunting but at the same time I know the advice I give myself in the dream is true – time does indeed fly. 5 years is nothing!

Memories

I spent very little time thinking of the contract dream and shifted back to the first one. It is quite humbling as I recall the flash of memory. It is obvious to me that the same pattern is repeating in my current marriage. I feel like crap and say to my guidance, “I’m not doing good.” I am told, “You are doing just fine.” There is some agonizing at my own actions and how I can’t seem to stop acting/behaving in a certain way in response to certain circumstances. It doesn’t make sense and I feel caught in a trap of sorts. My guidance reminds me that I purposefully chose this human body and personality for a reason. With this reminder I feel as if I am playing a role and doing so as rehearsed. At the same time this feeling is rejected and feels wrong. I am conflicted by this juxtaposition and do not know how to respond.

For some reason my memories shift back to my “other” life with my ex. One particular moment stands out. I am at a karaoke bar with my ex and some of his friends. I go up and sing. It goes so well they encourage me to go up again. I do but I cannot find the right key and end up feeling foolish and stepping down feeling embarrassed. I don’t go up and sing again. Everyone is understanding but I feel humiliated and angry and sit there quietly until we leave. The song I failed at singing was, The Thunder Rolls, by Garth Brooks. I screwed up because I have to sing it an octave higher than it is written and when the song began to play I was unable to find that higher octave.

The song has stayed with me all morning. Specifically the “thunder rolls and the lightning strikes, another love grows cold…”

This memory is one of those that stands out from the rest. And the review I had in the dream was like that. All I saw were moments that stood out. The rest was a blur. That is how memory is in general. The past is just a blur of feelings mixed in with occasional vivid moments that stick in the memory. The general feeling when it is all over is what sticks. Just like a dream, we come out of life with a feeling that summarizes our experiences. Each phase of life “tastes” unique and blends with the next until there is a full meal of varying flavors in the end.

When I think on the memory of that karaoke moment I am reminded of my overall “serious” outlook on life. I should have laughed at myself. I should have relaxed and had more fun. I am reminded of how, just recently, I sang karaoke and did just that. It was fun, not serious at all.

I am aware of my tendency to retract within myself when I feel negative emotion, to lash out at those around me. Though aware of this tendency and despite intending to change my response, I end up repeating the cycle over and over.

The memory of that long past incident feels like an indicator of what was to come. Even now I recall the road we drove to the bar, vivid flashes in my mind. I can see the inside of the bar, the drinks, the crowd and the music. I remember feeling out of place, lost and unsure of myself, my life and where I was going.

With all this memory and realization I wonder to my guidance, “What do I do?” I see the same junction in my life as back then. So many similarities. The choices I made back then, were they the wrong ones? Were they the right ones? Is the solution to stick it out or to get out while the gettin’s good? And through it all I feel like no matter what I do, I am trapped in a certain path. That all decisions will lead to the same final outcome. Like I am doomed to play out this life with this personality and have little control over any of it. It feels unfair. I feel like I can’t help but be the “bad guy” in the end. Hurting everyone despite trying to do the opposite. When I think of making significant connections with others, I think that is probably best that I don’t in the end because I will likely screw up their life. I think, “They’re probably better off without me.” And sadly – honestly, I believe that to be true.

And to think, when this life is over, all that will be left are impressions, emotions blurred together with occasional flashes of insight. I guess all I can do is focus on how I want the memory to taste.

 

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Dreamwork Accelerates

I am beginning to notice a pattern emerging. The nights bring inner work, work that I do not look forward to. Before bed I can sense it coming. It brings that energy sick feeling; an inner resistance and avoidance of something surfacing from my subconscious.

Dream Mix – Fence, Wagon, Game, Wedding Rehearsal 

This dream is broken up and patchy in the beginning, so bear with me.

The first scene is outside in a field with two parallel fences (barriers to progress or between levels of consciousness). The inner fence is electrified and has contained within it very large cats (feminine power, how one wields their power). I can’t recall what kind now but I think they were yellow like lions or mountain lions. The outer fence is an area where the family children (innocence, purity) and pets can roam freely. I remember seeing an individual wandering out in the outer yard and seeing one of the large cats at the edge of the electrified fence trying to get to him. The cat tested the fence despite being electrified and started to ram into it head first. I saw the fence buckle but not give in. I called to the individual who I remember both as a small boy and as a small animal like a cat so I don’t know which it was. It felt like sending anyone to the outer yard was not safe anymore and I remember thinking it not wise to venture out there even with the protective electrified fence.

In the next scene I am invited inside by a group of three women. We sit at a table and one woman suggests we play a card game. She begins to deal the cards and asks me if I want some wine (relaxation, ease), but it is like a sparkling version. I hesitate and she urges me to take some, so I do. Then we focus on the game and I see a pile of cards in the center with one turned over. There is a multiple choice question on it and we are to look at our cards to see if they match the answer. Mine does but before I can say my answer to win the round the woman starts to deal again. I protest, saying I did not get ample time to answer and asked where the timer was (I saw a mini hourglass in my mind). I told her we needed one and she ignored me, intent on playing the game without one. In my mind I saw how not having a timer worked to her advantage and felt it was very unfair.

The scene shifts again and I am on a wagon in the woods with a group of men who have taken captive two young girls. The man in charge is getting ready to set off when it is brought to his attention that the girls are the daughters of someone he knows. Hearing this, he instructs his men to let the girls go and to give them money for their journey. The girls are left on the dirt road and the wagon leaves. I am with them and urge them to go but they are reticent. I say to them, “You should count yourself lucky! He let you go and gave you money, too! He obviously cares about what happens to you!” The girls wise up and walk down the road. There is one who is very cautious and I ask her, “I am curious, when were you born?” She says, “November.” I ask, “When in November? Early on or later in the month?” She says, “November 17th.” I say, “Oh wow! Then you are all Scorpio! That is my dad’s birthday. But you aren’t acting like a typical Scorpio. You are being very mental, like an air sign” Then I ask them, “What sign would you want to be if you could pick? I would be a Taurus…..or better yet, Aquarius! Aquarius is the water bearer, a beautiful and graceful woman.” In my mind I saw the water bearer – an angelic woman with flowing hair and clothing – and wanted very badly to be her.

The scene shifted yet again. I am with a small family group. The daughter is about to be married. I suggest we stop by the hotel where the wedding is to be held to take a look. Inside, I look down the spiral, brown carpeted staircase. It is very high and steep. I say, “I would trip if I walked down that in a wedding dress, even the simple one that I wore on my wedding day.” At the bottom of the stairs I am getting dressed in what I will wear at the wedding. I wrap around me a corset-type piece of clothing. It is hard to maneuver myself inside of it. It squishes my breasts up and against my body. It is made of black satin and very beautiful. When I am done I show it to another women. She walks around me, looking closely and then asked me, “What have you done with your hair?” I see what she sees and instead of the corset being around my bosom it is around my head and looks very much like a black crown. It reminds me of the witch’s crown in Sleeping Beauty (Maleficent). My hair is bundled up on top with a long strand coming down. I told her, “I don’t know.”

The dream continues with a reception gathering at what resembles the inside of a church (seeking guidance/insight). I am standing among the pews along with everyone else looking ahead but I am not looking at what everyone else is. Instead, I see a tall, familiar man standing and facing me, his back to the front of the room. He is lit up brightly compared to everyone else and I cannot not avert my eyes no matter how hard I try, and I did try. He is younger than I recall in his photos but it is definitely him. He seems to be communicating with me but I am avoiding his communication and him. I do not want him to know I am looking at him. I am acutely aware of the whole scene; it feels as if time slows and despite others being in the room I sense only us. I look away but feel his focus on me. When I look back he catches me looking. This happens several times until I finally turn and walk away.

Then I encounter my mom and we are together a short time before she says to me, “I forgot something at home. I’ll be right back.” When she returns a short time later she has a huge black eye. I ask her what happens and she replies with, “I’ll tell you later.” I know that she returned home and her husband hit her in a drunken rage.

Then I am talking with some women but I can’t recall what all we said. My main recollection is saying to them, “Why did I have to fall in love with a man who doesn’t love me?” I burst into tears, my chest heaving and waking me up. The tears continued briefly after I woke.

Interpretation

After waking I feel the top of my head alive with energy. It is as if the black crown is still on my head. Similarly, my chest feels constricted as if the corset is still tightly wrapped around it. I try to wake fully but continue to fall into the in-between, the dream still vivid in my mind. I recognize the man in the church and wonder if he is aware that he visited me. I think of the black eye on my mother and recognize that she is me, going back to a situation that is harmful because she feels that is all she deserves.

The more I mull over the dream in the in-between the more my heart and head light up with energy. My heart is opening and closing; energy explodes out and then contracts inward. I think to myself, “I am trying to protect myself.” I see the black corset and know this to be true. I know the wagon portion of the dream is a message from myself to me. I tell the girl that the man let her go and gave her money because he cares about what happens to her. She should be grateful for his gift.

I know the whole dream sequence goes together despite seeming separate. The fence holding back the big cat is likely about me holding back my power, my scared femininity and sexuality. It is held back for now but threatening to break through. I fear it will destroy my innocence or a part of me that I feel is vulnerable. The game is about feeling a situation is unfair; feeling I do not have enough time and being overruled by circumstance. The wagon portion could be a past life memory or just me recognizing that I want to be this ideal version of myself – the water bearer – and reminding myself of a gift I have been given but have not recognized fully yet.

The wedding scene is likely about my own “wedding” which is symbolic of Hieros Gamos – the merging of the Divine masculine and feminine within. The corset is symbolic of something restrictive holding me back and specifically affecting my heart and crown – the head and the heart at at odds perhaps? Maleficent could be symbolic of my journey as a woman or of the plight of women in general. The man is familiar and shines like a beacon of light. Perhaps I see him as a guide or someone who can help? And I have already mentioned my mother, her black eye and how she represents me – perhaps the “old” version. My statement in the end reveals my struggle with coming to terms with a love that will never be returned.

This song was in my head when I woke:

 

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Energy Sick

How has 2019 been treating you?

I have been okay but it has been touch and go. On the 30th my inner thighs were extremely sore to the point that it hurt even when I was not moving – probably a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. I had knelt down to clean something and when I got up I was in pain. So I did about an hour of yoga, which helped a bit. Afterward, I experienced something akin to a mild stomach flu that lasted only 4 hours. It came with an awful headache, chills, diarrhea, slight nausea and extreme thirst.

1/31/18 went by without incident but yesterday was energetically intense. The entire day I felt this strange inner, energetic icky feeling that seemed to coincide with interaction with my husband. He was extra pushy and his energy felt similar. By evening the feeling was unavoidable and strong enough that I began to feel like my entire world would disintegrate at any minute. The feeling is a sense of imminent destruction, like something bad is about to happen. It’s kinda like two magnets repelling one another. It is the same feeling I’ve been having for weeks. It has made me want to up and run. It has made me feel like I am going to pass out. It has made me feel panicky, crazy and broken to the point of tears.

Last night, with the feeling sitting on me like a huge weight I felt like it was going to break me. I asked my guidance for help and felt to focus on my core, which I did, and the feeling lifted.

Dream: Ride Home

The dream began with me deciding not to wait for the bus (temporary setbacks) anymore. Instead, I would walk down the road to catch it on another, earlier part of the route. As I walked I checked my watch and saw I had 10 minutes which I knew was enough time.

The road was familiar, one I had walked and ran more times than I can count. It was dark but the sun was beginning to rise in the distance so there was enough light to see by. I heard a noise that was alarming and saw a huge tiger (power and one’s ability to exert power in a situation) running toward me in the far distance. As it grew closer I could hear a noise from behind me calling to the big cat and it responded in kind. I said to myself aloud, “He is after the other tiger, not me” and kept walking. The big cat ran past me and continued behind me toward its intended target. Thankful, I shuddered at how massive it was and the thought of what could have happened if he had decided he wanted me.

The light increased and I saw tall flowers (hidden potential, love, happiness) ahead of me. They towered two feet above my head and seemed to have been placed there purposefully like a living bouquet. Awed by their beauty I began to pick my favorites, collecting mostly red ones and a large sunflower. With my bouquet in hand I heard sirens (caution) and spotted emergency lights coming toward me on the road. I hid behind the large flowers trying not to be seen and dropped my bouquet as I watched the police car slowly drive by. I worried I would be seen but the police car continued on but not after altering the scene.

The road was suddenly full of people, all heading toward the bus like I was. Most had stopped to rest along the way and taken seats in what appeared to be a subway or train car. I spotted a beautiful butterfly (transformation) that looked fake it was so perfect. A little girl grabbed it gently and I yelled out to her to be careful or she might hurt it. A woman nearby said, “Don’t worry. She handles them all the time.” The girl took the butterfly, which was extra large like the flowers I had just been picking, and gently set it on a table. I took out my camera to take a picture and the butterfly transformed into a silver beetle. Upon inspection, the beetle (values and beliefs being compromised) looked to have a design on its back like a puzzle or a maze. It was flat and moved oddly, six legs would pop out of hiding when it moved and then disappear when it stopped. Fascinated, I watched it for a while until a head popped out on a long neck and stared at me with two beady eyes and a turtle-like (slow down) face.

Suddenly acutely aware of the time, I realized I was late and would miss the bus if I didn’t get moving. I headed down the road and through rows of people sitting in seats and stopped in my tracks when I realized I had forgotten my backpack. I had left it among the tall flowers. I looked ahead and knew the bus was soon to arrive. I asked people around me if they had seen my backpack (burdens, responsibilities) but they ignored me, eyes focused on a screen ahead of them playing a movie. I eventually yelled but none noticed me.

I ran back toward the flowers, spotted my backpack and grabbed it but at the same time I heard the bus arrive. I turned to look and saw it leave. I had missed it.

Disappointed, I knew I had to go back up the road to try and catch it at the normal stop in front of my home. Knowing if I walked I would never make it, I sought out someone with a car. I asked loudly as I pointed up the road, “Is anyone heading back that way?” A young girl, possibly the one who had grabbed the butterfly, said to me, “I will take you home.” Relieved I looked for her and spotted her standing near a woman. She was very small, about the size of a 5 year-old child. Her brown hair was in low pigtails that touched her shoulders and she had a hairband around her forehead.

I smiled at her and said, “Thank you so much. I don’t remember my name but people call me Dayna.” She smiled at me and looked at the woman next to her. She said, “I don’t remember my name either.” The woman smiled encouragingly and said, “His name is Anaya Seth, but everyone calls him Seth.” The realization hit me that this little “girl” was actually a boy named Seth. The name struck a chord and lucidity hit me all at once and woke me up. Note: The name Anaya means “completely free”.

Message

When I woke up I wondered about my dream for a bit and heard a voice respond to my thoughts with, “You’re living a lie.” Not sure it was true I thought a bit and then asked, “Okay. What is my truth then?” I was reminded that I had been shown my truth and I replied that no specifics about how to live it had ever been received. Within the conversation I fell into the in-between where I was speaking to a young girl who resembled me and telling her what to do. Of course, I don’t remember what I told her but instead a song was playing in the background of my mind. Right before I heard the song I was wondering again what my truth was. As if to answer my question I heard, “She’s got both feet on the ground……she’s got her head in the clouds….this girl is on fire….”

Wide awake I continued to consider the dream and message. I was reminded of a Kundalini video I recently viewed in which it was mentioned that a person who resists the urge to change that comes with the Kundalini will experience a split feeling until they make the changes needed to align with their truth.

I requested help in determining the changes I need to make. It may seem obvious what I should do, but I don’t feel it is that simple. Tearing down everything that is my life is not something I desire, nor do I think it is necessary. It seems an insurmountable task to even confront one change that is needed, much less all of the changes that are needed. But if I continue to feel this icky feeling inside, if it continues to make me feel unable to physically stay where I am with more intensity than it already has, I will either experience a mental breakdown or I will act upon it (or both).

 

 

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Contact and OBEs

Interesting night last night. It began when I awoke around midnight to thoughts that made no sense initially and seemed out of place. The first thought I had upon waking was something like, “Maybe we are being invaded?” In my mind specific knowledge points were connecting all at once. Imagine points lighting up and lightening connecting them in a pattern of awareness if you can. With each knowledge point came a memory – a kind of “ah-ha” moment that lasted milliseconds and was followed with another, and another and so on. It concluded with a feeling of concern that was quickly replaced with calm.

All of the thoughts settled eventually and I was able to come to a sort of understanding of the realization I was having. I am not new to E.T.-type contact and long ago managed my fear of E.T.s by rationalizing that they were no different than us, they just take a different form. Plus, their communication with me was exactly the same as my guides – it was virtually impossible to tell the difference. Ultimately, I lost all fear and communication with them seemed to taper off until it was non-existent. The typical OBEs where I felt to be on a table surrounded by Beings with a bright spotlight on me stopped. The visitations by strange looking preying mantis-like Beings stopped. The interactions with bald, near featureless, grey or pale-faced, large-headed Beings stopped.

Yet for some reason in the middle of the night last night I woke up thinking Earth was in the midst of an invasion and it was happening right under our noses. Suddenly, what has happened to me – IS happening to me – was recognized as the method of invasion. Of course, this cause a mild stress response that quickly passed because, well, whatever is happening to me seems to be helping me, not hurting me.

Memory of everything I have experienced hit me all at once. First of all, I couldn’t believe that I had “forgotten” it all. Actually, I hadn’t, I had just swept it under the rug because my life took front stage. Something in dreamtime must have triggered my memory but I have no idea what I was dreaming about before I woke up.

What I am left with this morning is calm and certainty. Yes, in a sense Earth is being “invaded” but that terms leads one to think it a negative thing when in actuality it is very positive. I was long ago told that I was a Contactee. At the time I thought it meant I would encounter a space craft or E.T. here on Earth. That was not exactly accurate. They (the E.T.’s) travel by thought/consciousness – outside of time and space. Therefore, it would make complete sense that they would make first contact telepathically. But humans are so limited in that capacity that in order for contact to be initiated the E.T.s would have to prepare the Contactees for contact.

Rather than go into a detailed account of what I Remembered, which I am sure you would all like to hear (or maybe not), I will just say that the walk-in phenomena is very intricately involved in the Contact scenario as is Kundalini, ascension, and the whole spiritual movement we are currently experiencing here on Earth. There are those of us who purposefully came here – as transplants – to initiate the ascension “wave”. I was told the number of “transplants” (Walk-in’s, Starseeds, whatever you want to call us) is about 1.5 million worldwide at this time. This is a small amount when you consider the total of the world population is around 8 Billion people right now.

The method of entry is being called “transplant” because that is very much how the process works except it is a consciousness that is being transplanted into a human host body rather than some organ or physical body part.

For me, this whole realization is taking some time to digest because up until now, I thought every human on this planet was like me. I was shown/Remembered years ago how I entered this body and communicated with it in order to be accepted into and merge with it. It is now beginning to hit home that perhaps this was MY transplant experience and not the typical human experience here on Earth. But then, I may be mistaken, which would not be the first time. It would be nice, however, to meet someone who remembers entering into the human body while it was still in the mother’s womb like I do. Thus far, I have not met anyone with memory of that, though.

Once I came into this body I was aware for a short time and then went to “sleep” for lack of a better word for almost two decades. When I awakened it was instant. There was no gradual stepping into. I seemed to acquire my abilities overnight. I meditated and it initiated awakening immediately. Snap! Is this how all “transplants” work? IDK. Likely there are different scenarios depending on their chosen path but ultimately the similarity would be a sudden awakening when previous to that there was “normalcy”. Some, I have heard, come into the body and never go to “sleep” like I did. I have only met one such person (online).

Anyway, I am still putting the pieces together but all-in-all I am feeling pretty fine and balanced despite the influx of memory. The end result for us transplants is that we come into our full “power” and then get to work helping to raise the consciousness of the planet so that Earth ascends to the point where human consciousness is elevated enough to communication with other worldly Beings without initiating panic and fear.

Now, for the OBEs……

Dream: Choice

I returned to sleep quite easily and drifted into a dream where I was with a group inside a nice house. I knew the members of this group and the owner of the house, though they looked different than I know them to look in physicality.

There was much interaction with the people in this place but most is lost to me now. I remember a tall man and a shorter, dark haired female. At one point the man, who I think was bald, was talking about his age and how old he was. I looked at him and said, “How old are you? You don’t look very old.” He sighed and said, “42.” I laughed and said, “I’m 42. Born in 76′, right?” Before he could answer I felt a shift in energy and knew time was not a factor in this place. It was as if I had broken a rule, but that is not the right term. It was more that I was not to mention specific timelines because it was likely that I was not on the same one as the others in the room. An analogy that comes to mind is the show Travelers where they had “protocols” and could not reveal their missions to other travelers.

There was a scene in the dream where we were making our own cereal. Parts of the cereal were laid out in sections and then put together to create the final product. There was corn in the cereal. I could see the kernels. I suggested we remove the corn because it would not taste good.

In another scene we were being told the house would be undergoing renovations.

Throughout the dream, I was hearing a female voice in my mind like a whisper as I interacted with the people in this group. She was asking me how I felt and if I would like to stay. At one point I felt her put her hand on my back right between my shoulder blades and a warmth spread across my back and into my chest. I fell into the feeling, opening to it and breathing a sigh of relief. I knew I wanted to stay. This place was safe. The people trustworthy. The space healing and revitalizing.

I saw options listed in my mind. The option to stay was checked and I was asked again if I wanted to stay. I did, truly, but a part of me rejected it because she did not believe it was possible that a place so wonderful, so loving and healing, could exist. If it did, I surely was not worthy of it. It felt that I was better suited to problems and conflict.

I woke up then, knowing I had rejected the space because I felt underserving of it. Additionally, I could not fathom such a reality existed. It felt unreal to me.

dragons

OBEs

I returned to sleep and to the house. I was sitting at the kitchen counter. A woman was talking about doing something deceptive, taking the insides of a toy dragon I think. I was then offered the toy dragon. I saw it was see-through and inside were tiny, colored objects. I told the woman, “You can have the tiny pieces since I know you just said you intended to take them anyway.”  The woman looked shocked.

Then I heard someone call my name. I turned toward the sound and the scene shifted. I gained lucidity all at once and had full perceptions.

Though I could not see the woman, I could hear her voice. I somehow knew she was there to help; to offer healing in a way only a woman could. My vision was limited to that of my mind at the time so I could not see her, only shadows of movement. She asked me if I wanted her to come to me. I replied that I did and lay down on a blanket on the floor face up. There I waited for her.

She then suggested we take a certain position. I think she said, “T”, but I don’t remember her exact words now. When she said this I could feel her approach me and my vision turned on suddenly. Her body felt heavy as she positioned herself over me. My vision turned on and off but I could feel everything very physically.

The next thing I remember is my vision turning on vividly. What I saw shocked me. In my face was this woman’s genital region and I could see every detail of it. Suddenly feeling very inexperienced and nervous, I asked her, “What am I suppose to do?” She said, “Pretend that I’m you.”

I took in the scene, allowing myself to feel all the feelings that came to me. I was not disgusted but I was not attracted to what I was seeing either despite the visuals being VERY detailed and perceptions at full capacity. I began to touch the woman’s leg and kiss her there but hesitated because I began to think it would likely smell. The idea of it held me back and then I pushed the thought away but not before I smelled a familiar smell. It was not a female smell but a musky masculine smell, one I had smelled before in this lifetime. It was not pleasant, as if the man had not cleaned himself well. It vanished quickly but caused me to shift out of the scene.

I felt myself return to my body laying in my bed. In the distance I saw the woman sitting at a computer, illuminated as if by spotlight. I could see her clearly. She had short cropped brown hair that was wavy and came to the nape of her neck – like a pixie cut. Curious and feeling an urge to go to her, I sat up and OOB without issue.

When I went up to her I said, “I didn’t know you worked for him.” I looked at the screen and then back at her. I could see her face in detail. She had a round face with a perfect nose, brown eyes and freckles lightly dusting her cheeks. Her brown hair was messy and hung perfectly around her face. I was fascinated by her.

I got very close to her and looked her in the eyes. She laughed as I grew closer and her entire face lit up. I remember seeing her mouth vividly as she laughed. I think I said, “You’re beautiful” but I’m not sure, I might have thought it. I touched her face lightly with my fingers and turned her toward me because she had looked away. I said to her, “I want to kiss you.”

Her reaction to this was to grab me and kiss me on the mouth. The momentum of her movement was enough to push me to the ground. She fell on top of me and kissed me deeply and passionately. I could feel every part of the kiss distinctly. It was so real! And surprisingly, I reacted as passionately to her kiss as I would to a man’s kiss, maybe more so! My response was to begin to take off her shirt. As it came over her head the intensity of the experience woke me.

When I woke I was laying on my right side, knees tucked close to my stomach. My root chakra was active and warm, expanding outward like a huge bubble. Disappointed to have awakened prematurely, I lingered for a while wondering about the experience. I recalled recently telling someone online that I needed a woman’s touch to heal the wounds causing the blockage in my second chakra. I have no doubt that this OBE was for healing. I was reminded of the feminine energy, how it is nurturing and gentle. In contrast, the masculine energy feels rigid and rough. The wounds I carry from lifetimes of abuse by the masculine require a gentle touch to open up to healing, otherwise they will remain closed to it.

 

 

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Holiday Ego Resurgence

Sleeping very deeply and very tired in the evenings. This holiday season has wiped me out! After two different times at the dealership to get my MIL a new car (long story), I think the energy was just sucked out of me. Prior to that, having a meeting with my BIL and SIL to handle their dept also left me feeling this way. I feel prompted to help but at the same time strangely resentful of my own actions, like I am being forced to help and my Ego child is throwing an internal tantrum. This makes me a bit grumpy and withdrawn around others. But of course it would!

I’ve been noticing some physical responses to this stress (or maybe it is more than that?). From since Christmas day I have been sensitive to certain foods – coffee, sugar, and alcohol specifically. I feel “off” if I drink more than a cup of coffee. It is more than just jittery, it is like overly “open” or sensitive to others’ energy. Christmas day we went to extended family’s house for present opening. I had two cups that morning and by the time we arrived, the group, which was rather large, was overwhelming to me. I had to go into another room by myself to avoid it. I did this for half the morning until, finally, the last hour, I was able to join in a bit.

The day before Christmas we had a meeting with my BIL and SIL and the same kind of “off” feeling plagued me. This time I think it may have been stress related because I had not had too much coffee or any sugar. Agreeing to let them put their debt onto our zero interest credit cards eventually overwhelmed me. $40,000 of debt that is not mine yet now in my/our name is a lot to swallow. I do trust them but at the same time I know that if they choose to not pay their debt that it would be mine and there would be no way out of it. It is a big risk to take for anyone, much less me who would not consider doing such a thing for my own sister or family member (other than my mom).

The same kind of feeling plagued me both times at the car dealership. The first time not as much as the second. Agreeing to buy a car for my MIL, using my credit and name to finance a car I will never drive, a car that costs $20k (the first time $30k but was returned) caused me to have a near panic attack on the way home. Again, I put my name/credit at risk because if things go south then I am the one who is responsible in the end. Both my BIL’s intend to contribute to the payments but it is still a big burden to carry.

All this for my husband’s family. The first because I woke up Knowing I needed to help my BIL and SIL. The second because my MIL’s car situation was causing financial strain on the whole family, especially my own along with too many arguments, and one day I felt urged to do something about it. So I did.

A part of me knows all will be well but another is freaking out and angry that I am not getting to have what I want. This other part feels it very unfair, feels my MIL undeserving, and feels fear at the prospect of things going wrong. Yet what am I to do when I wake up KNOWING I am to help and feeling eager to do so? And how do I resist a sudden urge to resolve my MIL’s car situation that seemed to come out of nowhere and did not align with my previous decision to not help?

All of this is likely the result of a bit of Ego resurgence. It comes with all sorts of resentment and feeling denied the things I want out of this life. Mostly there is impatience at having to continually wait (or at least that is how it feels). I’m sure to others in my family I seem a walking contradiction right now. Heck, I feel that way!

My only guess as to what is happening is that I am following my HS/purpose as intended and my Ego is upset that this takes precedence over her own wants/desires. I had no intention of helping out the way I did yet both times I did so without thinking and followed through until the end. What does that mean? HS is in charge, which is exactly how it should be. BUT the grumpiness of my lower self is not how it should be. There should be understanding, acceptance and surrender and I think it is coming but some work will be needed to return to that balance. All is not lost. What has been accomplished on a spiritual level has not been in vain. Progression is a continual process. The Ego doesn’t vanish. It just needs to be handled as a small child would, but gently and without reacting harshly or punishing severely lest there be a full-out rebellion.

Duck Dream

I had lots of vivid dreams but most were forgotten upon waking. I’ve just been too tired to care or bother to try and remember. But one dream did persist in my memory.

The dream memory begins with me walking out the back of a house, presumably my mother’s, and seeing large pond shaped like a figure eight without the inner loops. When I saw that there were ducks in the pond I said, “Oh! There are ducks! Why didn’t you tell me there were ducks! I need to get my camera!” I went back inside to fetch my camera and returned to the back porch. Then I noticed a separated small, circular, raised tub full of water. In it seemed to be large pieces of an engine of some sort, maybe a pool sweeper as I could see tubing. The whole tub was swirling around like a whirlpool, white pieces of the machine surfacing and then re-submerging. Within all of it I could see a small Mallard duck struggling to get to the surface. I could see that it was still alive and when it surfaced it would gasp for air. I yelled out that there was a duck inside and began to pull out the pieces of machinery to try and get to the duck. As I did, the tub slowly stopped swirling and I was able to pull out the near dead duck.

Once out, I gave the duck to someone and went to fetch it some food. I got something that looked like a nut porridge and the duck eagerly ate it up. I was relieved and told the person it was a good sign that she wanted to live. I kept feeding her until there was no more food. They I offered her a glass of water but she avoided it. I knew it was because she had almost drowned.

Eventually the duck was fully healed and on her feet. Then the dream shifted as did the duck. The duck changed into a beautiful black woman with long black hair that hung in ringlets at her waist. We were all on the back porch of this house and somehow the porch became a portal into another time, the time of slavery. The woman walked through the door and entered into that time and suddenly became a house servant.

The dream went on from there but I cannot remember it now.

Duck’s represent the subconscious when they are swimming. I see them on the pond indicating balance but then the one is drowning, indicating lack of balance or being overwhelmed by something in my subconscious mind. Perhaps it is swirling emotion caused by some kind of dysfunction that is being brought to the surface (broken machinery). The whirlpool indicates there is a threat of being overtaken by the emotional turmoil, but the water is clear which is good. I bring the duck back to life and she shifts into a woman.

File:Ishtar-star-symbol-simplified.svg - Wikimedia Commons

12/26/18 – Ishtar and Tears

The other night I woke from a dream where I was kneeling. I touched a metal object to my tongue and removed it. I could see it clearly – a circular shape with vertical lines on either side but the rest is a blur. I said, “Ishtar” as I looked at the symbol. It woke me. Afterward I recalled saying both “Ashtar” and “Ishtar” so I don’t know which one is correct.

Last night I woke from a dream where I was telling someone about another woman. I said, “She won’t ever see her mother again.” I burst into tears and woke up feeling devastated. That’s the second dream in recent months where I have awakened in tears after saying something about missing my/a mother.

Then had a whole dream where I broke it off with my boyfriend but he wouldn’t let me go. I met with him and told him I was leaving. He said, “No. You’re going to kill me.” He took two knives out and put them in my hands and forcibly held them there. Then he pointed them toward himself and pulled me into him so that they pierced into his stomach region. He fell to the floor dying but not dead. Frightened, I got help from a guy and we threw him out a screened in window. I spent the rest of the dream trying to cover my tracks so I wouldn’t get caught.

I’ve been doing lots of yoga these days off. Tonight my third eye area has energy that is wrapping across my cheeks and down around my ears. I continue to have energy in my head and neck region on and off. It feels very healing and lulls me into sleep most nights.

Lately, I’ve been feeling the urge to leave social media, specifically Facebook and Instagram. I may or may not follow through. It feels like this new year needs to be a clean slate in certain areas; that I need to muster the courage to do away with some heavier connections that are literally dragging me down.