Category Archives: human design

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Human Design: The Four Gates of the Incarnation Cross

“Our [incarnation] cross embodies the full expression of our awareness potential and our process of living awake.” p 288

There are 192 basic Incarnation Crosses and 768 specific Incarnation Crosses in Human Design. A full Incarnation Cross reading is suggested to fully understand it. However, if you cannot afford a pricey reading or would prefer to dig into your Incarnation Cross on your own, then here is how you can do it.

The Four Quarters

First, there are four quarters: Initiation, Civilization, Duality and Mutation. Each of these quarters has distinct themes. Initiate = begin, Civilization = build, Duality = bonding and Mutate = evolve. 

The Quarter of Initiation (Alcyone*): Purpose is fulfilled through the mind – thinking, educating, conceptualizing, explaining, sharing. The Channel of Initiation is located here.

The Quarter of Civilization (Duhbe**): Purpose is fulfilled through form – builds structures, communities and civilizations that support the Whole, the perfection of individual skills, the essential role/position of women to create a safe, creative and productive home for family/children/everyone. The concepts of the mind are made concrete. All 11 gates of the Throat center are found here. This quarter is dominant in Yin.

The Quarter of Duality (Jupiter): Purpose fulfilled through bonding, reproduction and replication to ensure humanity’s future. This quarter is primarily focused on the other and the most mundane. The Channel of Discovery and Mating is found here plus all seven gates of the Spleen. 

The Quarter of Mutation (Sirius): Purpose fulfilled through transformation – life is brought to a successful end while preparations are made for new beginnings through future incarnations. This is the most mystical of the quarters. The Channel of Exploration and the pressure of the Root is located here.

*Alcyone = Eta Tauri, a star in the constellation of Taurus.

**Duhbe = Alpha Ursae Majoris, second brightest of Ursa Major’s stars.

You can determine which quarter your Incarnation Cross is in by locating your Personality Sun on your chart and its corresponding Gate. For example, my Personality Sun is in Gate 33. So in locating Gate 33 on the below chart I would see that my Incarnation Cross is in the Quarter of Civilization. 

Gates

“Our life’s activity is expressed as our purpose and is captured in our Incarnation Cross by combining the themes of the Sun and Earth positions in both columns of the Human Design Chart.” p288

One’s Incarnation Cross is usually listed on their HD chart (see red box in pic below). The four gates of the Incarnation Cross (in parentheses to the right of the name) can be determined by looking to the gates of the Personality and Design Sun and Earth. See below:

One’s Personality Sun and Earth are listed first followed by the Design Sun and Earth. Remember, Personality is what is conscious and Design (Body) is what is unconscious. Listed below is how to apply the themes of each:

The Conscious Sun Gate = Represents your gift to the world; gives insight to your life’s purpose. 

The Conscious Earth Gate = Practices that bring you to your center and represent your “work” in life.

The Unconscious Sun Gate = Takes you deeper into yourself, leads you to self-acceptance, forgiveness and unconditional love for self.                                                    

The Unconscious Earth Gate = Practices that ground and protect you spiritually and help you get closer to “God”/the Universe/All That Is.

Anyone can better understand their Incarnation Cross by looking to their Personality Sun/Earth Gates and Design Sun/Earth Gates.

All the Gates and corresponding lines are listed in The Definitive Book of Human Design, Chapter 6. You also find the Gates and Lines online via a Google Search which will often take you to a website called The Daily View via the International Human Design School.

Since I am most familiar with my own chart, I will use my HD chart as an example:

Incarnation Cross: Left Angle Cross of Refinement (1), Quarter of Civilization 

“People who know that it is not enough to have and protect a home; life is enriched by making it beautiful. Beauty that heals”.
p301

I will be listing my Gates in order of Conscious Sun and Earth followed by Unconscious Sun and Earth and incorporating the application.

Gate 33.6: Retreat, the Gate of Privacy and the Revelation of Secrets. This is my gift and life purpose. Through retreat and time alone I gain insight and wisdom and, ultimately, enjoy the privacy that comes with it. As a SPP I would take the insight and wisdom gained and share it with those few who invite me to. So, my greatest “gift” is the insight and wisdom gained through retreat. The 6th line = disassociation; the ability to let go.

Gate 19.6: Approach, the Gate of Wanting and the Fuel for Social Needs. This Gate reveals what practices will lead me to my center and aid in my “work”. I am sensitive to the needs of others as well as my own. The practices here would be to set and keep firm boundaries and honor my time alone. While I understand the needs of others and will want to provide for those needs, I must also recognize that I can choose to not do anything about them depending on the circumstances. The 6th line = recluse; “the avoidance of contact in general but not exclusively”. 

Gate 2.2: The Receptive, Gate of the Direction of Self, the Driver. This Gate invites me into deeper levels of self-acceptance, forgiveness and unconditional self-love. These come via the Receptive Feminine and maintaining the balance between Masculine and Feminine. I am a visionary that can give direction to others while also having my own direction. The 2nd line = Genius also known as the Natural; a natural gift for unlearnable Knowing. 

Gate 1.2: The Creative, Gate of Self-Expression, Creativity rooted in unique direction. This Gate gives insight in how to ground and protect myself while also leading me to “God”. In this case it is all about creativity and doing my own thing regardless of what others think or the attention it might draw. The trap here (detriment) would be to put desires and passions in front of creation/creativity. Line 2 = Love is Light, self-expression conditioned by ideals and values. 

If you consider all of the above it becomes abundantly clear that the Incarnation Cross goes much deeper than the descriptive keywords provided online and in various HD publications. In fact, the description of my Incarnation Cross has never really resonated with me. It sounds like I am suppose to be an interior designer of family homes! “Beauty that heals”…what does that even mean?? BUT add all four of the Gates to that plus the Quarter of Civilization and it begins to resonate more and more.

Gate 33.6 is exactly what I’ve been feeling the need to do for a few years now. Retreat. Get space. Get time alone to find clarity. Yep! Gate19.6 also is something I’ve been working with – setting boundaries and keeping them, learning to take care of myself, not giving too much of myself/energy to others. As for Gate2.2 being how I dive deeper into mySelf, the description is EXACTLY how I’ve done it – via the Kundalini and the balancing of the Masculine/Feminine within, learning to embrace my Feminine side, learning to be vulnerable, and recognizing my path is not necessarily going to align with others. Finally, Gate1.2 also has shown up, specifically regarding the tough choice between passion/desire and doing “my own thing”. 

In the end, all four combine to create a unique Beauty behind which lies the intention to nurture, love and protect my family (which includes the greater Whole). 

Source: The Definitive Book of Human Design: The Science of Differentiation, by Lynda Bunnell

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Human Design: Completely Open Solar Plexus Clarity

I’ve been watching NDE accounts lately. I feel drawn to them because they are similar to my STE’s (spiritually transformative experience) and I when I listen to their stories I feel less alone. To hear their stories gives me hope and helps me Remember.

The following NDE account is the one I watched last night – The Near Death Experience of Nancy Rynes.

There were several key messages that got through to me. One was a reminder that we are never alone. We have guides available to us and we can call on them at any time. We can ask them questions and they will answer. We need only listen by quieting our mind and being receptive to the answers they provide. Another was about karma. She doesn’t like the word “karma” because there is so much misunderstanding surrounding it. Instead, she calls it “making amends”. She came back from her NDE mainly because she wanted to make amends; to do as much good as she could in order to cross out all the bad. Finally, there was the reminder that our Life Review is meant for learning. We should not blame ourselves or feel guilt or shame for those times in our lives when we did not live up to the challenges of life. Instead, we should look upon those times as lessons and examples of areas where we can strive to do better. 

I went to bed specifically asking my guidance for help in answering my question: What is my purpose? Why am I still here? I honestly did not expect an answer since my dreams and waking life have been so devoid of spiritual connection lately. 

The Answer

I woke up from a vivid dream in which I was riding in a car with my BIL. He had a camera in his hand that was perched on the steering wheel as he drove. I sensed that operating the camera while he drove was stressful so I asked him if he wanted me to take it. He agreed, relieved, and handed it to me. I asked where to store it and he handed me an envelope with a woman’s name and phone number on it. When I looked at it I became slightly lucid and was flooded with emotions that I knew were not mine. I looked over at him as he drove and the emotions set in. It was clear that he had great love for me but was embarrassed by what he felt. The love was similar to what I’ve felt in dreams in the past with various people. So it was nothing new; however; this time a voice came through the dreamscape into my consciousness. At the time I was feeling very uncomfortable with the knowledge of what he felt for me as his feelings do not mirror my own and he is my husband’s brother which makes his feelings very inappropriate. So, the voice was asking me, “What would you do?” 

His question woke me and the conversation continued. I had Knowing that I didn’t have prior to bed. There were also memories of other experiences I’ve had, all pertaining to extremes of emotion. 

The question was to get me to consider how I would respond to the emotion I was feeling in my dream if it occurred in waking reality. That was why I felt so uncomfortable in the dream. The dream version of me would not have any issues with his feelings for me. If anything, I would reciprocate because when I am OOB I am full of love and without judgement or expectation of others. The waking version of me would reject the love because it is socially unacceptable here in the physical to show that kind of love to anyone and everyone I felt it for, especially a BIL. 

I remember wanting to feel the love, though, and asking to feel it fully all the time because I’ve been feeling so numb and disconnected lately. My guide advised, “That would not be wise.” In fact, I heard a “No” firmly when I pressed the subject. He said that the positive emotion cannot be felt without the negative. He reminded me of times when I experienced the extremes of emotion ranging from Divine Oneness to grief and despair as I took in the emotions of what seemed like entire groups of people throughout the history of the Earth. Those experiences were extremely difficult for me and each time I did not know what to do with all the emotion flowing through me. I felt overwhelmed and helpless yet compelled to do something. When it was the Divine Love and amazing connectedness of the Kundalini experiences I’ve had, I wanted immediately to abandon this body and return Home. When it was the grief and despair, I wanted to help but felt small and insignificant, unable to do enough to take all the pain away. 

After this “review”, I agreed with him. It would be too much. 

There was discussion about why it is too much that went beyond just how overwhelming it would be. We discussed why it was that I could feel so much from other people. I remember saying something that caused my guide to ask me, “Do you think everyone is like you?” With this came memories and reminders of how other people experience emotion. My lens of emotion is very different. While I feel so much from those around me, pulling in their emotion and fully experiencing it as my own, the vast majority of people do not do this.

Human Design came to mind along with my completely open solar plexus. This is the emotional center and has various gates with specific “lessons” attached to them. These gates allow the individual to experience emotion in a fixed way. They can only experience emotion this way and will do so through that lens throughout their life. My solar plexus has no defined gates whatsoever. I have no lens through which to experience emotion. Therefore, I end up “adopting” the lenses of others. Early on in life I was conditioned by those closest to me via their definition, causing me to adopt the lense(s) of their defined solar plexus. 

It has been said in Human Design that those with completely open centers have “mastered” the lessons of that center. However, it became clear to me that though this is true, I have mastered all lessons of the gates of the solar plexus, I am still working on the mastery of having no gates. To have no definition, no set way of emoting, is hugely challenging. I easily pull in the emotion of others and end up struggling to handle the emotion because I do not have the tools within me to do so. I am “empty” of tools. 

I asked my guide how to I manage this? My guidance reminded me that I have all I need within, all I need to do is listen. With this I recalled how I have managed in the past. I let the emotion flow through, observe it and allow it to pass. The reactive part of me cannot be trusted. I tend to react how I have been conditioned and it is not who I AM. 

I have been conditioned to take sides, to react in a certain way. When confronted with my own Design, my completely open solar plexus, I am left with…nothing. I feel calm. It is quiet. It is peaceful. These feelings are alien to me because, all my life, I’ve been surrounded by highly emotional people. My family growing up was full of emotional reactiveness. When all that is gone, when I am correctly living my Design, I think something must be wrong. I get bored and I look for things to react to. This is the addictive quality of being completely open. We become addicted to our conditioning. 

It became quite clear by the end of this conversation why my guidance was saying my lesson is in self-restraint. Just put the word “emotional” before self-restraint and it begins to make more sense. It also applies to other areas, of course, but it is emotion that sets the stage for what comes next. The emotion is the trigger. I must remember that the emotion I am feeling IS NOT MINE. It is so difficult to comprehend, yet it is true for me. I am feeling the emotion of the other(s) I am interacting with in the moment and responding in the way I’ve been conditioned to respond.

My guidance helped clarify this by reminding me that if I observe others around me, I will notice them acting upon their emotions. Emotion is the fuel of action. This is a Collective lesson as well as my own. 

So, I am here to practice self-restraint. To resist reacting to emotion. To resist taking action in response to emotion. Instead, I need to let the emotion flow through me, observe it and respond later based upon what my authority advises. This is exactly the strategy of anyone with emotional authority. You have to “ride the emotional” wave before taking action or making a decision. The impact of no solar plexus definition upon Design would be similar to being fully defined (all gates defined).

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Kundalini Dream: Who Are You?

I hope you have all been well. 🙂 It’s been a while since I last posted so I figured it was time for a little check-in and update.

Daily Yoga

I’m proud to say that I’ve kept up my daily yoga practice. It will be six weeks come Monday. Yay! I’ve honestly never kept up a yoga practice this long, daily or otherwise. It has been a nice change with positive results. In general, I feel so much better physically – less stiff in the mornings, more relaxed, and less preoccupied and anxious. Setting a daily intention, which is always part of my yoga practice, has worked wonders for me emotionally and mentally. They are simple intentions like, “I AM ____” or “I want to create _____”. Usually I insert “love” into the blank. I try to keep it simple but every once in a while I’ll surprise myself. 😉

Previously, I wrote about some weird heart rate fluctuations and dizzy spells where my heart rate was going as low as 40bpm. I’ve not had anymore since then but my heart rate has remained consistently lower than average, especially when I sleep. Just to ease my mind, I bought myself a blood pressure cuff to rule out excessively low or high blood pressure because I’ve had experience with high BP in the past (pre-eclampsia). I’ve yet to have a reading that is considered high, BUT I’ve had some pretty low readings. So far nothing to be concerned about, though. Usually my BP averages about 117/73 but I frequently have readings of 100/60 with the top number sometimes dipping below 100.

I can’t say for sure the yoga is the cause of these blood pressure changes since I didn’t check my BP beforehand, but I suspect it is contributing to it. I am much more aware of my breath, taking breaks just to breathe and BE when I feel stressed or anxious. Since I have an Apple watch I see immediately the impact focused breathing has on my pulse. For example, my pulse will rise into the 90’s when driving sometimes but if I focus on my breath I can keep it in the 60’s-low 80’s.

So, I am going to maintain my daily yoga practice, intention setting, deep breathing and breathing breaks. It could be that I am just now tuning into and experiencing the true rhythm of my body.

Dreams and Experiences

Sadly, my dream explorations and recall have been almost zero. I am sleeping deeper and more soundly, though, which is good. No complaints there!

There are some dream themes that seep through, however. I’ve had two distinct dream experiences since May where I was being instructed on how to activate my energy centers, specifically my root and second chakras. There is no specific memory of the instructions, just an overall sense of being instructed. In both instances I awoke both pleased at my success and shocked by the nature of the dream. I can remember being outside of my physical body manipulating it but also feeling the results of that manipulation. It was as if I was in both places at once with a third party observing and giving pointers. After the last “lesson” I woke up and realized I was being shown the capabilities of the physical body and was in awe at just how little I knew about it.

Another dream theme is of being counseled; talking through life issues with a confidant. Often I don’t recognize the other person but feel very connected to them in the dream. In one instance I was with a coworker who I’ve had many dreams with in the past (I refer to him as “K”). There are always messages that come through in the dreams, which is probably why I remember them when I wake. Some recent messages have been: “Make space” and “Talk it out”.

Messages about “space” have been repeating since last summer when I went to Costa Rica (back then it was “I need space”). After receiving the message “make space” on June 27th, I remembered my Human Design incarnation cross is all about space.

The Left Angle Cross of Refinement (33/19 | 2/1)

You bring the energy of having your own living space and nice things within it. Part of the driving force is about privacy and having your own space, not just for you but for the belief that it is everyone’s right to have such a thing. In addition to the shelter a home provides, you desire some beauty within it to add to your life. You are here to ensure all of us have the right to our own private and inspiring space. ~from the Definitive Book of Human Design.

One thing about incarnation crosses is that there is no one way of interpreting them. “Space” is the key word here. It is assumed initially that it means a physical space because it says “living space”, and “shelter”. And that could very well be but the idea of ensuring everyone has their own living space makes me think of interior designer. Ha! However, I am reminded of my environment in HD – Markets Internal. I invite people into my space. So my space is very important, both physical space and energetic. 

But then perhaps I am an “interior designer” but in so much more than the accepted definition. Interior= my inner world and self. My favorite place to go is within. The worlds that await me there are so much more fulfilling than any physical place could ever be. And my outer world will reflect my inner world. So all I need to do is create my inner world and the outer one will fall into place.

Kundalini Dream: Who Are You?

I saved the best for last but I won’t be telling it in full (sorry). I’m only putting it here since it was one of those “OMG” Kundalini dreams.

The day before the dream was an odd one with some hints I should’ve noticed, and some I did. One I noticed was the yin/yang symbol drawn on my Hyundai’s back window. Seeing it actually made me cry! I later learned my husband put it there. Huh? Not like him at all! Another was a post about the “Hermaphrodite” that caught my eye that morning. It was just so…unusual, so I had to post a reply, something I rarely do these days. Lastly, right before bed, I saw 1111 flash in my mind’s eye, bright white letters on a black background. I never see 1111 anymore so it was a surprise. Just FYI, I saw it again last night, so two night’s in a row now. All three signs point to the merging of the masculine and feminine.

The beginning of the dream is pretty much a blur in my memory. I was not lucid and the dream was nothing extraordinary.

I become lucid when a man takes my hand. Immediately I am struck by a familiar feeling. It is magnetic and irresistible. I don’t recognize the man but I don’t care. I go with him. He pulls me close, all the while the energy is rising like warm water from my root upward. The way it spreads is like liquid, tendrils moving upward through energetic channels I didn’t know were there. I can feel every one of them. They are like the roots of a tree….inside me! When the liquid ecstasy hits my heart I am blown away. I AM love. It feels like my heart is gone, replaced by a funnel that is pulling in the love of the Universe. It goes through me and up and around and back through (like the infinity symbol), a never-ending loop of love. I tell him, this stranger, “I love you!”

I lean in and kiss him right above his collar bone. I can hear his thoughts and feel what he feels. He is blown away by what is happening. He begins to lay me down and the energy intensifies. The warm, liquid bliss is flushing upward with ferocity but it is also extremely gentle. I’ve never felt anything like it. And though I want nothing more than to let it take me away, to drown in the bliss, I awaken.

I sit upright in bed immediately, shocked. My heart is still open, a fountain of love. I can hear the man’s thoughts in my mind. He is asking, “Who are you?” My own thoughts echo his. I wonder briefly, “Who’s thoughts are these? Mine? His?” I let that pass, realizing it makes no difference. My tears concern him. “Why are you crying?” I answer him with, “I never thought I would feel this again.” He asks, “You’ve felt this before?” I can sense his amazement. I answer, “Yes, but not quite like this”. I am still overcome with bliss and love but it is faltering now. My heart is racing in my chest. My tears continue to seep out of me as if I am leaking. I can’t seem to stop them. It is just so beautiful! 

My heart doesn’t stop pounding and I eventually have to get out of bed. It feels like a mini panic attack so I go outside, hoping the night air will settle me. It takes a while and some deep, focused breathing, but my heart finally settles and, amazingly, I return to sleep.

I am both elated and anxious from the experience. Mostly, I don’t understand why I heard another’s thoughts, felt another’s feelings, experienced a merge such as this with a total stranger. Completely caught off-guard, I went into fight or flight but had nowhere to run. This isn’t something you can run from. It’s the Kundalini and she gets what she wants. Every time.

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A Bad Energy Experience

Here is an experience that illustrates just how important it is that Projectors be selective of whose energy they come into contact with. This is also relevant to any Hermits out there because, similar to Projectors, Hermits can be negatively impacted by spending too much time with the wrong people.

Yesterday my husband and I took a trip to Dallas. The drive went well. We had good conversations and the three hour drive passed quickly. We stopped and had fajitas at a restaurant and by around 8pm arrived at our B&B.

My first impression of the B&B was that it looked nice from the outside. When the hostess greeted us she immediately wanted a hug and her energy seemed desperate for companionship. Her husband was quiet and his energy more stable. The man was 70 and the woman was in her 60s.

When we went inside I was hit by an unpleasant smell. It smelled like old things and old people. The house was full of antiques the host had picked up all over the place. He had done research in order to get a historical marker placed in the front yard and was very proud of his accomplishments. I admit, it was impressive. The house had working lightbulbs from the 1920’s that never burned out, documents and photos of the family who had owned the house, working televisions from 1948 and 1956, old radios, furniture, etc. He was also the curator to the museum in town that had more items and history from the historical family who had previously owned the house.

The wife gave us a tour of the house and our room. It was a small house with three bedrooms and two baths. She bragged that everything was original. The same old lightbulbs were throughout the house (they don’t make much light) as were plumbing fixtures I’d never seen. All the furniture was antique. She also went into depth about their own personal story. She had lots to talk about but really liked to toot her own horn (overly so).

When we finally got to our bedroom I was exhausted. The woman’s energy was difficult to take and I needed to release it. I went outside with my husband to wind down hoping to get some alone time. Within less than 3 minutes the woman was outside and wouldn’t leave, chatting away. Her energy made me anxious. Huge pangs of anxiety hit me in waves and I became nauseous. I was able to get away, saying we were tired from our long drive, but she followed us closely to our room, talking excessively the entire way.

Once in bed trying to sleep I was too awake and stared at the ceiling. I felt a presence to my left and in my mind’s eye saw a woman in a white gown looming over me. She felt somewhat like a guardian but not of me, of the room and maybe even the whole house. She may have been the woman who lived there until her death in the 90’s, the last of five siblings who was linked to the history of the house. I told her to go away, but she didn’t leave. She didn’t feel threatening and kept silent but with all the excess energy I was processing I didn’t want her there next to me.

By midnight my husband had left the room because he knew I was struggling to sleep. He thought it was him but I knew it wasn’t. I kept having waves of anxiety hit me in the chest. They weren’t intense but enough to keep my heart rate elevated in the 80s instead of the 60s where they normally are when I am laying down to sleep. 

I have had this kind of insomnia enough to not struggle against it but accept that sleep will eventually come. It did around 2am and only because I had to lay on my stomach to ease the waves of anxiety. Something about laying on my stomach, guarding my chest, helps calm me.

I woke again at 3 and then had a good stretch of sleep until 6:30 when my husband came in to drop off the blankets and get his running gear for a morning run by a nearby lake. I was out of bed just before 8am after getting 1 hour of additional sleep. 

Zombie-like, I got dressed and stepped outside to get some time in nature. They had lots of chickens and it was a pretty place with good energy (outside). My husband brought me coffee and the host of the house came outside with him. My husband went to take a shower and the host said, “I will join you.” I cringed but said nothing. I had hoped for time alone but what could I do? Be rude?

The host’s energy was more bearable and he wanted to talk about conspiracy theories and Covid (ugh). His wife was from the Ukraine so he talked about how he got her to the US 23yrs ago and also how things were today over there. It was not hard to listen or talk with him. I didn’t feel overwhelmed by his energy. He felt very neutral compared to his wife.

Breakfast was crepes, eggs and tons of fruit. The hostess was very proud of her cooking ability and had bragged about it previously. When she served us she didn’t eat and hovered over the table talking about how wonderful her cooking was. Her energy was unbearable again and I felt nauseous again. My head began to hurt and I thought I would throw up. I had to excuse myself early.

We had an appointment at 10am of which I was very grateful. When we left I tried to sneak out the back but the host and hostess sought me out to bid me farewell. The woman hugged me twice and told me she loved me. I practically ran to the car.

On the drive to our destination I was still feeling unsettled. It wasn’t until I was able to talk about how I was feeling that I felt better. By the time we left, though, I was overly hungry and dehydrated. Once I had a meal I felt somewhat better but wasn’t 100%. Throughout our trip I tried to clear myself of her energy without much success. It was only when I got out in nature that I felt better. This is when I noticed many bumblebees flying about. I took photos and thanked them for their visit.

The most common message of the bumblebee is the achievement of one’s goals through diligent work. When bumblebee visits he reminds you to persevere and have courage on the road ahead.

When I was home and in my own bed I worked on clearing the woman’s energy. It still took me until 11pm to get to sleep, though, despite my excessing tiredness. Thankfully today I do not feel her energy anymore. 

Reflection

When my husband booked the B&B I didn’t like the look or feel of it via the website. When I saw the picture of the hostess I told my husband, “I don’t want to stay there”, but let him book it anyway since he seemed to really want a B&B experience. I shouldn’t have because my intuition was warning me that it wasn’t a place that would be good for me.

I suspect there was a combination of things going on. There was Spirit energy not only from the previous owner but also energy from all the antiques. No telling what all was there! And then the hostess’ energy was unbearable to the point it made me ill. 

My husband liked the B&B and though he noticed the woman’s energy was not bothered by it. He felt she was just overly needy of attention, lonely and desiring acknowledgment of her accomplishments. He also sensed the marriage was not going well based upon the woman’s treatment of her husband. I didn’t notice because I was trying to protect myself from her energy.

The woman was also psychic, though she wouldn’t acknowledge it. She called it “psychology” saying she had learned to read people’s eyes and body language after many years of working with people. She did a mini reading on us not long after we arrived. Mostly she just picked up on my teaching but she got a lot right about my husband (his work and family business mostly). 

To give you an idea of how bad this experience was for me (beyond what I’ve already said) – When I was trying to sleep I had an impulse to get in the car and drive home in the middle of the night. I hate driving at night and wouldn’t dare attempt a 3+ hour drive at night when exhausted. That was how bad the energy of the place felt to me. I will never go back!

So, to anyone who is a sensitive person like myself, stay clear of this place. It is called “Alla’s Historical Bed and Breakfast”.

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HD Projector Voice Recording Results

I used a voice recorder to see if it would give me clarity. I talked aloud for nearly 10 minutes and, at first, didn’t feel it helped. However, everything in the post below came after. It was as if talking aloud cleared the debris that was hanging around and muddling things up. So, in that way, it did bring about clarity, just not as I had expected!

From an HD group I’m in:

“…..here’s my current perspective on why Projectors can be mistakenly diagnosed as bipolar [or other mental illness]:

1) Focused & absorbing aura (sensitive to the Other), leads to heightened open center conditioning.
2) Open sacral amplifies Generator energy (70% of population), causing cycles of mania & exhaustion.
3) Not knowing when enough is enough (Open Sacral Not-Self) expresses itself as addiction.
4) Mechanical reliance on being invited (and uninvited) to relationships and circumstances means we can’t correctly initiate our way out of a difficult situation.
5) Bitterness and resentment builds up like layers of oil in a dirty engine, until we finally break down on the side of the road, doomed to a life of jump starts and tow trucks.”

In the last week, I’ve been repeatedly running into the part in bold about Projectors. Firstly, I’m not seeking out this information consciously. In my boredom, I’m looking through my FB groups for things that catch my eye and have now found this particular tidbit of info three time in two days. The time between seeing the info is enough that I forget about it only to rediscover it in a new moment. 

This tiny nugget – or seed – of info has been repeating. Each time it resurfaces it feels to have grown a little more.  

I’m left with questions. If we (Projectors) can’t correctly initiate our way out of a difficult situation, then how then do we break free? Are we reliant on another invitation to free us? What can we do if we can’t initiate our way out? 

My guess is the answer is: Strategy and Authority. 

It doesn’t feel like strategy (wait for the invitation) is part of this decision as much as Authority here. My HS will let me know. She has in the past. It isn’t always obvious, though, and easy to overlook or doubt. My mind gets in the way, that is for sure. There are always a list of very logical reasons not to take action.

The poster of the above quote also does videos. In one he gives an analogy that feels correct to me. He says that a Projector gets stuck in situations (work, relationships) because we go so deeply into the “mud” of the Other that when we come away from it we can’t get it off. We can take a shower and scrub ourselves raw and it still lingers on us. 

I was immediately reminded of how last night I couldn’t sleep after visiting my mom because I kept thinking about her current problems. I thought of what I said to her and how I tried to counsel her and her husband. It was hours before I could finally settle and sleep. THIS is the mud he’s talking about. My guidance would say, “It doesn’t matter.” And I finally accepted that it isn’t MY stuff and let it go. I don’t want nor need to take on and/or solve her problems.

The FB Projector group also answered a question: Why do Projectors need an invitation? To protect us. To keep us from the energetic backlash and resulting “harm” it causes (self-doubt, conditioning, negative self-talk, etc). 

This also brings me to my interaction with my mom and strep-dad yesterday. I tried the counseling method of saying back to them what I was hearing – summarizing. I also pointed out what I was seeing without being overly blunt about it and communicated with short, simple statements. I listened more and said less. I didn’t give them more than they could handle (I tend to say too much, Generators can only digest small amounts of truth – remember, it’s hard to confront what you don’t want to know/see). The statements I made put their feelings first.

My mom got emotional and I let her cry and be upset. When she said she needed to be on anti-depressants because of her emotionality I told her that it is normal to be emotional and okay to feel. She needs to hear that her emotion is OK (she is an emotional MG after all!). Because of how I handled it, I was able to come away form the conversation without feeling bitter or rejected. At one point I sensed they were tiring of a particular topic.  My mom was avoidant in order to not hurt her husband’s feelings and to not be emotional. So, I changed the topic to something they could both handle. I know my mom preferred to be one-on-one with me but when we were alone I didn’t push the uncomfortable topics with her. 

So, even though I received an invitation from both of them, I was able to gauge it correctly so as to not end up with a withdrawal of that invitation.

It is easier when I can distance myself from the situation, remain detached and take things less personally. I tend to take my mom’s “side”, take on her perspective, her emotion, her – everything. If I can be objective it is much easier. I allow myself to feel through all of it without taking ownership of it (consciously or unconsciously). It is very much easier if I remain objective. The statement, “It doesn’t matter” is true because if I remind myself of this then I remain objective and can better navigate the situation. 

This is the solution to my life situation, too. I need to look at everything and distinguish between what is mine and what isn’t. Release ownership for that which isn’t mine; those things don’t matter. Yet at the same time I need to be compassionate to the problems of the Other. It is a “sticky” situation and so necessitates that I be selective, pulling the sticky stuff off little by little so as to not overwhelm the Other which in turn will overwhelm me. 

The most difficult part of remaining objective, for me, is that my children are so much a part of me and my definition of Self. This isn’t an issue with my relationship, really, as I feel very much separate from my husband and able to hold my own in many ways. I’ve been working on maintaining firm boundaries with him for a long time and feel like I’m doing really well. Yet my children feel part of me and so to distance myself from their wants/needs is difficult. 

I think what is most odd for me is that, when I am able to disconnect from all the entanglement with the Other, I am left with very little. I am really so….simple. So simple, so “boring” that I immediately reject it and replace it with what I have been conditioned to believe is ideal. But the scene I pursue is not mine. It is a scene of constant movement and doingness – having a job, money, friends, projects. But my simple – True – Self says I need none of that to be happy. Sure I may need some to survive but aspiring for more than I need is not necessary. Having more is icing on the cake. 

In Costa Rica I was face to face with the simplicity of myself and it made me very uncomfortable. For as long as I can remember I’ve been in near constant motion. Doing and doing until the day is gone. I don’t get tired, not physically, unless I really exert myself. The tiredness that other Projectors speak of, for me, isn’t physical, it’s mental and/or energetic. I lose the ability to tolerate life – people, motion, activity, etc. So it is clear that I’ve been conditioned to accept more doingness than is natural for me. 

Since I live and work in places filled with Generators, the motion I find myself in is an attempt to release all the energy I acquire from those Generators. As long as I live in this house with my Generator family I will have this extra energy. If I don’t move my body to release the energy I feel agitated, grumpy, and cannot tolerate very much. Life feels heavy and burdensome when this pattern goes on for too long. Thus, I find myself seeking a reprieve via a vacation or just extended alone time. 

I am reminded of advice I wanted to give my mom yesterday, but didn’t (because she didn’t ask). The advice was to take one thing and focus on that rather than be overwhelmed by the seemingly endless list of things that need to be done. For her, I wanted to ask her to pick the thing she felt was most important or that needed priority over the others. So, for myself, if I do that, the priority SHOULD be me, but what I tend to do is prioritize Others – my children specifically and then my husband after them.

So, my focus before anything else should be to prioritize myself. Listen to myself, learn to love being the simple version I seem to want to run away from. Stop putting conditions on myself. There is no need to do anything except what feels right in the moment.

Flow. 

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HD Self-Projected Projector: Speak Your Truth

I consistently hear that Self-Projected Projectors (SPPs) need to use their voice (speak out loud) to find clarity. I’d always thought that my journal writing and blogging was as good as using my actual voice but am beginning to second guess this. The more I read the experiences of other SPP’s, the more I’m reminded of times when I did use my voice and how it made me feel when I used it.

This morning I read a comment in an SPP group. The person suggested to the original poster that they should have someone not only available to listen but also to ask questions. The questions are perhaps the most important since it is through questions that deeper clarity is gained.

When I read this comment I was transported to memories of times when I had an interested audience who asked questions for clarification. In all instances, whether spiritual or otherwise, when I spoke it was a surprise to me what came out. It was so wise and Knowing! My closest friends knew this about me and would frequently ask me questions to pull the knowledge out. Every time this occurred I would feel wonderful and….successful.

I thoroughly enjoyed it for a while, until the information no longer flowed. Why was that? Perhaps it is because I have no one to listen or ask questions anymore? Even my blog has seemingly gone flat with fewer views, likes and comments. Without that interaction the inspiration doesn’t flow and neither does the information and Knowing.

The few times someone has been available to listen, I’ve become so emotional that I struggle to speak. My throat closes up and this pressure feels to build until it is almost unbearable. The emotion has to be released. Without an outlet the emotion becomes stuck, blocked and stagnant.

The people in the SPP group have various methods of using their voice, mostly apps for voice recordings and journaling. These methods have never appealed to me. Why is that? It doesn’t feel safe to me. I think it is because I am surrounded by my family most all the time but also because, growing up, I was judged and criticized for using my voice to speak my truth. The more acceptable method was singing but, again, only sometimes.

I’ve tried creating videos but these don’t appeal to me either. I’m too critical of how I look. I judge my appearance harshly and feel that others will immediately judge me for how I speak, look or act as well as for what I share. Watching myself on video makes me cringe. Hearing myself isn’t much better.

It is when I speak with another in-person that I feel most comfortable. Groups of people are also comfortable, but only if they all show an interest in what I have to say. In other words, only if there is an invitation given.

If I think back on those moments when my spiritual experiences and Kundalini were at the most amazing and awe-inspiring, it was because someone was there to listen, someone who wanted to hear what I had to say, who was interested in me and my truth, and who encouraged me to share by asking questions. Without them I wonder if I would’ve had any breakthroughs at all? Maybe but not nearly as many.

So how do I proceed from here? How do I put myself in a situation where there are others willing to listen without judgement and who eagerly ask the right questions?

Perhaps I will try to out the apps mentioned in the group just to see if it works. Right now I know that what I have been doing is no longer working. I’m blocked emotionally and tired of feeling numb. The emotion is there, I know it is, but without someone to ask the right questions, will recording myself work?

As I wrote that last question I heard from within the quiet Voice that has always been there and Knew instantly that the questions are available if I listen for them. In fact, throughout this lifetime that Voice has asked me questions, nudging me forward, taking me deeper, pushing me into action when the time was right.

Still, though, I think the time has come for me to start slowly emerging from my hermitage. Alone is great until it isn’t. The problem is, I don’t.want.to (picture stubborn child hiding in the corner). Someone will have to lure me out of hiding with something irresistible. Until then, I guess I will try talking out loud to myself and see if it helps. Hopefully no one overhears me (gawd). lol

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Mexico Trip

Sorry for the long-delayed update.

I returned from Playa del Carmen, Mexico on April 11.

The trip was okay.

Positives: I slept good, my daughter enjoyed herself, we saw beautiful places, there were no major hiccups, and there were some spiritual influences at play which caught my attention here and there.

The negatives: The energy of the group got to me, I didn’t get enough space away from the energy in order to release it, there were two small children crying on and off much of the time and I didn’t feel as safe as I did in Costa Rica.

Overall, the trip would be a 3 out of 5 stars but only because of the company we kept and the length of the trip. I could’ve come home a day earlier and my daughter said this also. 

If I had planned the trip, I would’ve planned to leave later in the day, like noon’ish, rather than go to the airport so early. We had to be there 2 hours before the flight here in the US and 3 hours before in Mexico. Eek! I always have difficulty sleeping the night before a flight, especially if it is an early one. I would’ve chosen a different place to stay – a resort would’ve been my ideal only because they have food, shopping and English speaking assistants to help with transportation and other things. It makes things so much easier and the price is worth it IMO. I didn’t plan the trip, so the above two things were out of my control. A vacation is only a vacation if you can take most of the stress out of it and just enjoy yourself. I stress with too many unknowns, so a resort would’ve helped with that.

Looking back at when I made the decision to go, I realized I didn’t know that my SIL’s, BIL’s sister was going (or didn’t pay attention to that fact). I will never go on a trip with her again, at least not stay at the same B&B. She has the kind of energy where she dominates the others in the group. There is really no way to escape her energy. It is like a vice grip, and for me, who is mostly open (Human Design), I get sucked up into all her definition and there is no navigating out of it. The experience of being around her all the time was tough. I was either emotional, quiet and subdued or trying to find a place to retreat to. At times, I spoke up without being invited and felt her response and it was too much. I ended up crying in my room more than once. By the end, I chose not to participate in the last activity in order to get the reprieve I needed. Thankfully, my daughter agreed with me and didn’t insist we go.

There was a point in the trip where I felt it would’ve been better had I not gone, mainly because it felt like my input and presence was unwanted. It was a big trigger but I realized it was my tendency to give input when not invited that created this effect. When I was quiet and subdued everything was much better but I was always left feeling like the third wheel and unable to change aspects of the trip that didn’t feel good for me. The only option was to not participate or plan something on my own. I tried to do the latter but I couldn’t find a trip that would take just one person and my daughter didn’t want to go with me. She wanted to just stay in the condo. 

My SIL’s friend/family had her own issues that she made sure to talk about frequently. Her daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes last year at the age of 10. It was clear to me that even though this new development was negative in so many ways and she was obviously not happy about it, the challenge was something that brought meaning to her life. I could clearly see how she had agreed to it, probably in order to bring purpose into her life. Her daughter would’ve also had to agree, so maybe a karmic contract?  Of course, I said nothing to her, just observed the fact that she seemed to really enjoy the challenge of the health issue (talking about it frequently) and the purpose it brought her. 

Spiritual Experiences

While the energy of the place wasn’t immediately apparent to me, some things I did notice. For example, I had various vivid dreams, some emotional. My emotions in general were high, though. I didn’t write any of the dreams down, just took note the next morning. It felt almost like full moon energy.

The day we went to Garden of Eden Cenote was the most spiritual day for me. The day was rainy and cloudy so it wasn’t crowded. As we walked up to the cenote I had a strong dejavu experience that was so noticeable I spoke about it to my daughter. Just a moment later the manager greeted us and began his speech about the cenote. I said, “Hola!” as I walked up and he stopped mid-sentence and looked at me very closely, saying, “Do I know you? You look familiar.” I paused, as I had not considered it when I greeted him but then did seem to recognize something in him. I said, “No, but you look familiar.” Not long after he mentioned Costa Rica and said to me, “Pura Vida!” I laughed, thinking it odd he would mention Costa Rica. 

Secluded area, Garden of Eden Cenote

After he was done talking I saw him around here and there and learned he was born in L.A. and lived there until he was nine when his parents brought him to Mexico to live. He took his job at the cenote very seriously, treating it as an extension of himself. I didn’t talk to him one-on-one but watched from a distance wondering if perhaps I had met him in dreamtime (I think had I brought up the astral he would’ve known what I was talking about). Later I mentioned a secluded area I enjoyed, calling it my favorite place, and he said it was his favorite place, too. Though he didn’t say, I knew he liked it because of its energy. I now wish I had spoken to him about it in private but the timing was not right. My group members would’ve been uncomfortable had I mentioned energy or anything related.

Other than some dreams and the one experience above, I was just very emotional. I am going to blame all the new energy I was constantly around on my inability to get space when I needed it. The good thing is I had my own bedroom I could retreat to. Had I not had that I would’ve really struggled.

Pictures

Here are a few pictures from the trip.

On day one we visited the Tulum Ruins, went snorkeling and then swam in a cave (yep!). The next day we went to the cenote (sinkhole) and the day after that we enjoyed the beach and the rooftop swimming pool. The rest of the trip was beach, shopping, dining, etc. My daughter and I did not go to Xcarat with the rest of the group on the last day of the trip. We were both sunburned, my daughter more than I, and preferred to rest the day before our flight home.

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Dream: Three Swords

I have been feeling something deep within. It is barely noticeable and feels similar to past experiences when another part of myself is recognizable, a self that I have called the “small self” in the past.

The feelings have been simmering under the surface for some time but only yesterday did they feel to seep through in such a way that I took notice. By bedtime, I had felt this other me so much that I took time to focus on the feeling. The emotion was sadness mostly, a deep, penetrating sadness. The recognition of this other me was instant and I shifted immediately into Knowing. Rather than reject what I felt via this other me, I allowed it and then spoke to her, soothing her and telling her “it will be alright”. I sent love to her. The feelings calmed. 

From the Rider-Waite Tarot Deck

Dream: Three Swords

In the dream I was in a school being shown around by another teacher. It felt like I was getting a tour as a new employee.

I recall vividly meeting the school counselor. She was very pleasant and told me I could come talk to her anytime. I remember thinking, “She really loves me.” It made me very emotional and I began to cry, momentarily gaining some lucidity. She spoke with me a while and there was another instant of clarity. She said, “windfall”, and my mind went immediately to the good fortune our family is experiencing. There was a brief memory of being given this word as a message in the past (2019) and I instantly knew it pertained to my husband and his acquisition of the company.  

At the end I was taken to a classroom with 8th graders and realized the school was a K-8 school and, because of my experience, half my classes were teaching middle school. This surprised me at first but I understood their reasoning and so was agreeable.

The kids who entered were rowdy and intimidating. At first I didn’t feel prepared, but then felt completely at ease with the teenagers, knowing exactly how to get them to settle. I approached them one by one, asking their names and getting to know them.

The other teacher suggested I put up a bulletin board with all the students’ names and have the students post a picture that represented their life. One girl excitedly approached and asked me if she could post a family pic. She showed me and I told her it was perfect. I felt a warmth from the interaction, knowing the girl felt safe and heard in my presence.

I took the class on a field trip to a theatrical presentation and watched it with them. A group of women dressed in formal attire sang a song while a group of men carrying curved swords fought valiantly (but not to the death) for the opportunity to be with one of the women. Three swords (three of swords tarot card?) got left behind and I tried to put them in the classroom but it was locked. Another teacher met me and told me I could put the swords inside her room, so I left them with a sticky note on them (letter to myself). 

Considerations

When I woke I knew the dream was to show me all that contributions I have made thus far, specifically with teaching and reaching children and teenagers. I was reminded how, when I tune in and focus on helping, I can reach the kids that are the most difficult to reach. 

There were memories of when I stopped trying to connect and no longer wanted to help. There was understanding that all I had to do was step outside myself and be open to receiving what the students needed. In those times I was over tired, disillusioned or resisting moving on. For example, when I worked at the alternative school I was pregnant and tired and over worked – burned out. Thus, connecting with the very difficult students didn’t happen. It was just too exhausting and I needed rest. 

Similarly, when I was a counselor at the elementary school, though I did connect and enjoyed working with the kids, I was going through a difficult time emotionally and so ran out of energy quickly, unable to really put my all into the job like I should’ve. I thought back to the day I found out was my last day. The principal didn’t even bother to warn me it was coming. I wonder now if they hastened my leaving because they decided I wasn’t a good fit like they first thought? It doesn’t matter. I was ready to leave.

It is clear that when I introvert (withdraw into myself) is when others are cautious of me. When I open myself up, others are attracted to me more. The thing is, I mostly don’t feel like opening up. In my twenties I was very open, I wanted to help and so got more opportunities to do so. As I have become more disillusioned I’ve closed myself off. There were just too many instances where my helping others left me feeling unsuccessful and resentful. 

I’m obviously still healing, trying to pull out of the introverted stage little by little. My guidance is trying to show me when I have been successful and that I have a gift. When I woke, knowing their tactic I told them, “I still don’t want to stay. Why do you keep trying to change my mind?” 

The dream of the students, where the females sang and the men battled for the opportunity to earn their affections, reminded me of the dynamic I’ve observed all my life. The men want to show off, to impress the women with their strength and masculinity, the woman sit back, showing off their beauty and feminine traits. It really is a mating dance and it goes on, and on, and on. Even after the men and woman are grown and have children this dance continues. The ridiculousness of it bothers me and I am not interested in the game or participating in it. Much higher levels of interaction exist. Humans are stuck in a very low, animalistic and biologically driven game.

My low opinion of humans is why I introvert (withdraw within). So many people aren’t even scratching the surface of their potential. Then those that have moved above and beyond are still struggling, specifically with these sexual/mating game that continues under the surface of most everything. 

I do believe I come from another race of Beings or at least my past lives have been as such. These experiences are part of me and why I am so homesick. Earth – humanity – is so barbaric, so cruel, so confusing. Humans are just not my people.

What’s worse is that I am human, too. Yuck.

Yet in my dream I saw how I also loved humanity, so much so that my heart overflowed with love. And I Remembered.

In my earlier days (especially before my Saturn Return) I saw potential in everyone and tried to help them see it, too. I recall when I first started teaching how beautiful I thought my students were. I loved all of them and defended them to some of the other teachers who preferred to focus on the negative or had become burned out.

Over time I burned out, too. It was just so difficult! Maybe I set my standards too high? Probably. 

So, I will try in the future to look at each individua’s unique journey, gauging where they are and then working with the existing potential on a gradient. It is my own judgement of them that leaves me sad and discouraged and ultimately unwilling to help. It is hard not to judge when you see where a person could be versus their present reality. It is very frustrating and I can only imagine this must be how our guides feel when they see us struggling through this life! 

I think a good strategy is to become more like my guides. I know how they feel, I’ve been allowed to experience it. The reason they are so patient, loving and supportive is because they see past our flaws to our potential. They are able to see the why behind our struggles and they accept us as is, without judgement. When they see us, we are beautiful, flaws and all.

What does this mean for me? I suspect the end result will be to return to a similar mindset to what I had when I was young (optimistic, open, adventurous). This time, though, I won’t be so naïve about it. I will be much more selective, choosing only those interactions that feel correct for me.

At some point in the future I will be changed. I don’t think I will even notice it, but it will happen. And you know what? I am excited at the prospect of it. To feel purpose again. To feel hopeful. To feel optimistic. What a relief that will be!

This is likely what my Chiron (Kiron) Return will bring, leading me to become the Role Model.

In Human Design the 6th line is prone to cynicism. I am definitely cynical. I wasn’t always that way but the experiences of my life have led me to be so. Time to reverse that trend.

Three of Swords

Here is a link to the general meaning of the card. I do believe it is indicative of my journey and contains a message to take my time, heal and learn from the past. The sticky note I left on the swords could signify the letter I wrote to myself not long ago. It does seems fitting.

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2022 Goals Update and Other News

 A recap on the goals I set for 2022:

  • Train a new AP Manager (replacement) and then train/move into the position of CFO for our company.
  • Begin taking HD courses with the end goal of becoming an HD analyst.
  • Buy an RV to use to escape on solo trips as needed.

All of my goals have been either reached or begun. 🙂

Progress on the first goal has been slowest. I have been training to be the CFO but there was recently an unexpected change to the process. I have been unsuccessful in convincing my bosses to hire another AP Manager to take my place so I would have more time to devote to training. My husband tried to convince the other owners to do this, but his brother insists on learning the CFO duties first and then says he will decide what to do.

Just this week the picture became clearer when I was informed that I will be stepping into the Treasurer position which includes a move to salary from hourly. The Treasurer position is technically the same as the AP Manager position I already occupy, the only differences are a few other duties in addition to supervising another employee.

I’m not disappointed, really. I have wanted to be salaried from the beginning and felt I should have been “promoted” long ago. However, I’ve been told more than once now by the current CFO that her duties will be split between the new owners. 

How do I feel about this? I am okay with it and not worried. It may end up that I do take on the CFO position at some point. If not, my current job is not difficult. I can do it in my sleep. So, I will be fine either way. 

I’ve made progress on my second goal so far in that I have completed the Rave ABC’s course. I’ve not decided if I want to take the Rave Cartography course just yet or if I will continue on to take the professional courses towards becoming an HD analyst. My main concern is the cost and time of taking these courses. I prefer self-paced (so I can finish faster) courses to scheduled, 2 hour Zoom meetings once a week for six weeks or more. I’m not an auditory learner, so listening to someone lecture for 2 hours is not my idea of a fun time. The slides help, but the pace is so slow that I end up watching videos on my phone or getting chores done between slides. 

Some may wonder, “How can you learn if you aren’t paying attention?” Well, funny thing is, even if I am not listening or focusing on the course and lectures, I learn. It is part of my Human Design, in fact. I suck up everything around me like a sponge regardless of focus. Besides, mostly I tune out the numerous examples and personal stories of the teacher.

Goal three has not been a disappointment but I haven’t been able to spend much time in the RV yet. The two times I’ve stayed the night left me sleep deprived. The first was because it was too cold. The second time I slept in the RV my boys begged to come along and so I let them. I didn’t get good sleep that time either. 

So far the electric and water have not been completed at my mom’s. There are 30 amp hook-ups and two water hook-ups but our RV requires 50 amp. We can use 30 amp but it means we don’t have full power. So, my husband has been helping my step-father put in the 50 amp hook-up but it is slow-going. 

Other News

My Sister

Late last year I wrote a post about my sister and her husband trying to leave the state because my BIL had a felony warrant out for check fraud. Everything was quiet up until the beginning of February. The first clues that something was up came to me via dreams. I had an unexpected dream of my sister and BIL that woke me. I can’t recall why I woke now, I just remember that in the dream they had driven up to my mom’s house, surprising us. Two days later my sister posted on FB when she hadn’t posted or had contact with any of us for months.

Skip to last weekend. I had another dream about my sister, this time she was still married to her ex. It was odd and I wondered about it but didn’t think anymore on it. On Sunday I went and visited with my mom while my husband helped connect water and electric to the spot our RV will soon occupy. My mom and I sat down, had some tea and chatted. She told me that my sister had called to invite her to her son’s birthday party. During the call my nephew told her, “My dad’s in jail.” My sister confirmed. My mom showed me my BIL’s mugshot via the county jail website. He was booked into jail on January 31st. 

The relief on my mom’s face was obvious and I was – am – relieved as well. I knew his illegal activities would eventually catch up to him. I don’t know the how of the story but it doesn’t really matter. Whether he will have to serve the typical year sentence, we don’t know. We just know that as long as he is in jail things will be more stable for my sister and her son. 

Cancun

Some other positive news – I’m going to Cancun with my daughter in April! It kinda just fell in my lap. My SIL called me up last week asking if she could take my daughter with her to Cancun as an early birthday present. My SIL and BIL and their two children as well as a family friend and her two daughters were going as well, so I said it was okay. My daughter was thrilled and my SIL purchased her a ticket. 

About an hour later, while having dinner with a friend, I thought, “I want to go! I wonder if I can?” I immediately texted my SIL and within ten minutes I had a ticket, too. 

The amount of excitement I felt was unexpected as was the spontaneous decision I made to go. I have not yet felt any doubt about the decision either. I think it will be awesome and I can’t wait! We will be there five nights total, long enough to hang out at the beach and visit some of the local attractions. I would like to see the Mayan ruins in the area and visit a cenote (sinkhole filled with water) which I’ve heard are spectacular. 

One thing that is completely out of character for me with this decision is that I have no concerns whatsoever about how this trip will go. I have no worries about accommodations or the number of people or Covid testing requirements or anything. No anxiety at all. Usually I worry about who I will be staying with because their energy may impact my sleep. Not this time. Even with two of the children being very young I have no concerns. When I’ve wondered about this the answer from within I get is, “It will be fine” and I believe it.

Emergence

The end of February brought with it a tangible, energetic shift. All of February felt “off” energy-wise to me. I was antsy and somewhat stuck in the muck and mire of my monkey-mind. Then suddenly it shifted, almost over night, and I wasn’t. I want to say it happened around 2.22.22, or very soon thereafter.

When before my guidance was quiet and my dreams almost nonexistent, suddenly my guidance was back and my dreams became more memorable. One of my dreams was a Kundalini dream that I didn’t post about because it was like so many of my other ones. In summary, I discovered my “husband” had cheated on me twice – once with a man and another time with a 16yr old girl. When I confronted him, he took joy in recounting his experience with the girl and then tried to persuade me to be with him. I told him I wanted nothing to do with his penis ever again. lol Then, suddenly, I felt an electric, “fire” of ecstasy that shot from my root upward. I awoke in complete shock. My guidance was close, which I hadn’t experienced in a long while.

Another change came in the form of me suddenly being more social. When normally I turn down invitations to gatherings, I found myself accepting invitations. For example, our company had a reward dinner for certain office staff and I was invited. I agreed straight away even though it was last minute. Throughout the dinner I felt no anxiety or discomfort. I enjoyed myself.

Around this same time I saw a picture on FB that was painted by one of my FB friends. It looked so similar to one of my own that I almost commented but decided not to. A couple of days later the picture popped up again. This time I shared my own painting, paying attention to the meaning it help for me. The painting is of a ball of fire emerging from the dark depths and is called “Emergence”. 

I knew that the meaning of the painting was a message. I am in the process of my own emergence now. 

The 6th Line Transition

Recently, in my Rave ABC’s class, we discussed each of the lines of the Hexagram in detail. There were details about the 6th line that stood out to me as if to prepare me for what is coming:

As a 6th line in HD, I have spent the last two decades, “on the roof”. During this time I have been healing and recovering, preparing to come down “off the roof”. Coming down off the roof = emergence.

  • 6th lines begin to prepare for their “flowering” when they enter their North Node phase, around age 38. Their flowering stage is post-50yrs, during their Kiron cycle.
  • Your life is going to “flower” and take you where you need to go. There is no pressure, no rush and definitely no instant gratification. It takes time to go through the cycles, so relax into it. Don’t be in such a hurry.
  • When you’re on the roof you’re finally making money, you’re more optimistic, acting as a leader and an authority. But your Kiron is coming and if you resist, you can fall into “lethal” decisions.
  • 6th lines are always looking forward, always looking for the upcoming transition. Transition is what the 6th line is all about.

I find it interesting that around the age of 38 is when I shifted into a career altogether different than any career I’ve previously had in this life. It came about as a result of me asking the Universe to give me what I needed and it was given to me on a silver platter. I wonder now if the job I have currently is somehow the one that is taking me where I need to go. Will it take me to that place of fulfillment I’m naturally designed for? Hmm.

Interestingly, during the last Rave ABC’s class, the teacher took time to talk to all the 6th lines in the class about their Kiron Return – when to expect it and what to expect on the way to it, during and after. When she came to me she told me that I am probably already noticing the shift. She described how it could feel using her own transition period as an example, saying she dropped things and people from her life and felt a sense of nothingness ahead. She said she expected to feel this way all the time and then everything just suddenly shifted. People came into her life, opportunities flowed in and she was pulled along into a fulfilling new life. 

It sounds easy, but I suspect I will be one of those who doesn’t go willingly. It is advised to not resist or there can be “lethal consequences”. As Ra says on pg. 45 in the Rave ABC’s Student Manual, “But if the 6th Line is screaming and yelling, wailing in pain as it’s dragged from the roof, the gods are going to kill it quickly.” lol I can see myself doing this!

So, while on the roof, things get really, really good for the 6th line. This is definitely how it has been for me so far. My bank account is definitely “filling up” and I am in a position at work where I am seen as an authority. The only way I would resist coming down from the roof is if those things were taken away in order to come down. I hope that is not how it works. 

by

Human Design: The Lines of the Hexagram

I finished the Rave ABC’s class. There is one last assignment, one I had already done earlier in the course because I was curious. The assignment is to reflect on the lines of my hexagram imprinting, both conscious and unconscious. 

First, a review of the lines and characteristics.

First Line:

  • Represents the essence of the hexagram
  • Introspection, study, research, detail
  • Looking inward, trying to find the basis of things
  • Insecurity and fear
  • Self-involved
  • Investigation out of insecurity
  • Needs to study to develop a solid foundation
  • Becomes an authority through study
  • Needs to stand on a solid foundation

Second Line:

  • Absorbed in it’s own process as a natural
  • Here to be called out
  • Does not understand its own talent
  • Not interested in studying or investigating
  • Nervous about being an object of projection or expectation
  • Can feel inadequate 
  • Antisocial, hermit, wants to be left alone
  • Absorbed in itself
  • Waiting for “the call”

Third Line:

  • Expresses the movement from the lower Hexagram to the higher
  • Absorbed in its own process
  • More contact with the outside world than the 1 or 2
  • Trial and error theme, many experiences, bumping into things in order to discover
  • Here to adapt and discover the nature of the world
  • Must experience to understand
  • Learns by experience what doesn’t work
  • Can become pessimistic if it doesn’t understand its process
  • A martyr, standing up for a principle and can end up with martyr complex “why me?”
  • Learning through failure helps it bring new solutions to the world

Fourth Line:

  • Externalizes wisdom when the opportunity arises
  • Relates to the 1st line foundation
  • Fixed in its externalization without resistance
  • Will abdicate if there is resistance
  • Exerts tremendous influence
  • Needs a stable network – this is where opportunities come from
  • Suffers from people fatigue – needs time alone
  • Wants friendship as a basis of interaction
  • Friendship before intimacy
  • Very friendly line

Fifth Line:

  • Most transpersonal line
  • Carries karma; will meet “known” forces
  • Heretic – universalizes something new
  • Others project onto the 5th line as a savior
  • Possesses the power to attract attention
  • Others are naturally open to 5th lines, giving the 5th line the ability to penetrate them
  • Timing is critical 
  • Once they penetrate they need to leave otherwise they are subject to negative projection
  • Reputation is very important – they can be paranoid
  • Its healthy to be suspicious of the projection field
  • They need to be practical

6th Line:

  • Not part of the hexagram but a transition to the next hexagram
  • Separate but connected
  • To become an authority, role model and example of the hexagram
  • Objective administrator/authority
  • Naturally aloof
  • Three phase development process
  • From the 3rd line phase to the 6th line optimism phase 
  • At the Kiron return it is called off the roof to re-enter the world living as an example
  • Knows the difference between what is trusted or not
  • Can be very influential
  • Not healthy to be a hypocrite

Below are the lines I have, conscious and unconscious:

Line 1

Unconscious:
Venus, Gate 27 – The Gate of Caring, Line 1 “Selfishness”, the power to care for ones self first but not at the expense of others

Conscious:
North Node, Gate 44 – The Gate of Alertness, Line 1, “Conditions”, the establishment of frameworks
South Node, Gate 24 – The Gate of Rationalization, Line 1 “The Sin of Omission”, retrogressive periods needed before renewal
Mars, Gate 47 – Gate of Realization, Line 1, “Taking Stock”, eradicate the negative
Pluto, Gate 48 – The Gate of Depth, Line 1 “Insignificance”, recognizes the practical 

Line 2

Unconscious:
Sun, Gate 2 – Gate of Direction of Self, Line 2 “Genius”, a natural gift for unlearnable knowledge 
Earth, Gate 1 – The Creative, Line 2 “Love is Light”, Self-expression conditioned by ideals and values
Jupiter, Gate 24 – The Gate of Rationalization, Line 2, “Recognition”, the gift of conceptualizing spontaneously
Saturn, Gate 56 – The Gate of Stimulation, Line 2, “Linkage”, stimulating expression that will take time to mature and needs recognition

Conscious:
Venus, Gate 29 – The Abysmal, Line 2, “Assessment”, persistence tempered by caution
Uranus, Gate 28 – Gate of the Game Player, Line 2 “Adventurism”, distasteful alliance

Line 3

Unconscious:
Uranus, Gate 28, Gate of the Game Player, Line 3 “Shaking Hands with the Devil”, Unfounded risk taking
Neptune, Gate 5 – The Gate of Fixed Patterns, Line 3 “Compulsiveness”, The fear engendered by the sense of helplessness resulting in unnecessary stress and activity.

Conscious:
Mercury, Gate 59 – The Gate of Sexuality, Line 3, “Openness”, sexual bonding, The ability to break down barriers to achieve union.

Line 4

Unconscious:
Mars, Gate 62 – The Gate of Details, Line 4 “Asceticism”, Caution, patience and detail produce excellence out of limitation.
Mercury, Gate 20 – The Gate of the Now, Line 4, “Application”, Recognition and awareness in the now which transforms understanding into right action

Conscious:
Jupiter, Gate 8 – The Gate of Contribution, Line 4 “Respect”, The gift of naturally recognizing the contributions of others and particularly, the acknowledgement of those who lead by example.

Line 5

Unconscious:
Moon, Gate 53 – The Gate of Beginnings, Line 5 “Assertion”, fuel to begin something new, wait for clarity

Conscious:
None

Line 6

Unconscious:
North Node, Gate 44 – The Gate of Alertness, Line 6 “Aloofness”, memory
South Node, Gate 24, The Gate of Rationalization, Line 6, “The Gift Horse”, fear of ignorance
Pluto, Gate 18 – The Gate of Correction, Line 6 “Buddhahood”, Uphold and defend basic human rights

Conscious:
Sun, Gate 33 – The Gate of Privacy, Line 6 “Disassociation”, end of a cycle, retreat to understand
Moon, Gate 9 – The Gate of Focus, Line 6 “Gratitude”, The joy which comes with accepting small rewards for small victories.
Saturn, Gate 31 – The Gate of Influence, Line 6 “Application”, Leadership whose expression and action must be one and the same.
Neptune, Gate 9 – The Gate of Focus, Line 6, “Gratitude”, The joy which comes with accepting small rewards for small victories.

Considerations

As expected for my 6/2 Profile, I have the highest number of 6th lines at 8 total followed by 6 total 2nd lines. To my surprise, the next highest is the 1st line at 5 total, followed by the 3rd and 4th lines both at 3 total. I only have one 5th line. 

When looking at what lines are conscious vs. unconscious, I find that I have more conscious lines in the 6th line (5) than any other line and have more unconscious lines in the 2nd line (4) than any other. This matches my 6/2 Profile. Again, I am surprised by the 1st line because 4 are conscious!

So, thus far, the biggest surprise to me is the number of 1st lines I have. 4 out of 5 of them are conscious. I dislike associating with 1st lines for the most part. My biggest complaint is that they cannot be told anything without first confirming it for themselves. Perhaps this is because I feel the least number of invitations from 1st lines because of this personality trait? I do recognize my own tendency to research and discover the truth for myself before taking anyone’s word for it, though, so I tend to get along well with 1st lines if we are researching the same topic(s). 

I also recognize in myself an insecurity that comes with the 1st line. I don’t like this part of myself, however, as I feel it is a weakness more than a strength. This could also be my 2nd line tendency to feel inadequate, though.

Something that is also interesting is my North and South nodes are conscious 1st line with unconscious 6th line (1/6) as is Pluto (1/6). I’m not really sure of the significance of this yet. 

With all the 1st, 2nd and 6th lines in my BodyGraph, it is no surprise that I am more self-involved than others. I prefer to be alone and separate myself from others, observing others from the periphery.