Category Archives: human design

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Human Design: The Aloof 6th Line

On Thanksgiving I discovered my cousin is a 6/2 Manifesting Generator. I’ve known her my entire life, seen her quirks, often wondered “what is she thinking?” and seen her struggles with relationships and never once considered her as similar to me. In our youth, she and my older sister were joined at the hip and would always exclude me from whatever they were doing. If they didn’t exclude me, they would take advantage of my naivety and make me the brunt of their jokes and play cruel pranks on me, letting me think I was accepted as part of their group only to make it very clear to me that I never would be. And I fell for it over and over again because, yes, I was naïve and trusting, especially because I loved my sister and my cousin.

My cousin has lived on the same family land as my mother for a long time now. It has to be at least 20+ years. She moved here from California and has lived close to my grandparent’s underground house ever since. For some reason, in the past, wherever she was involved there was drama, especially with my grandmother. However, the drama died down and things have been quiet for at least a decade now.

Recently, her common law marriage of about 15 years ended. Her partner, who was 10yrs her junior, just decided to leave, his reason being he didn’t see his life going anywhere if he stayed. Since this breakup, my cousin has been different, quiet and reclusive. Her usual talkative self not so talkative. In the past, she use to talk so much it could be painful (she has a defined throat), but not so much now.

On Thanksgiving my cousin commented that she knew she could talk too much and that it pushed people away. She also indicated that she felt no one really wanted her at the gathering. Prior to the gathering I had prepared myself for her over talkative, eager, almost vampire-like energy, so I set the intention to let her talk and just listen without resisting her energy. When she purposefully sat next to me and singled me out from the rest of the group, I didn’t resist and acknowledged and accepted her as she was. I could sense the relief from her, and it matched my own.

As I tuned into her and her energy, truly listening to what she had to say, I Knew immediately “she is like me”. She mentioned how when she looked back on her life she didn’t recognized herself. She said to me, “I think, ‘who is that person?'” She also commented on how she has to keep clear of people more and more, taking long breaks and retreating to her own space and around her animals and things she enjoys. What she use to enjoy has changed, also. She has a smaller group she interacts with and chooses animals over people more and more. She commented also that she felt her life to be “done” and didn’t understand why she was still alive.

Though I have known other 6/2 MG’s (my ex-husband for one), I have always considered them to be vastly different from me because of their type – Generator. In fact, I’ve thought about my ex, wondering about his hermit tendencies (he always had them) and whether he is more a hermit now than when I knew him. He was always more social than me, so I highly doubt that has changed. Or has it? Considering my own cousin was very active and social in her youth it may also be that my ex has undergone a similar shift.

To be honest, I generally dislike all generating types because they typically do not “see” me, and so I tend to be more critical (bitter) when it comes to them. So, to recognize myself in an MG, to discover a genuine appreciation and sympathy for her struggle, well, ha! I hear someone in Spirit say, “Takes one to know one.” Yep. lol

The Aloof 6th Line

6/2’s get more “aloof” the older they get. They start out as a naïve version of a 3rd line, living their life via trial and error, filled with disappointment and wondering, “Why is this happening to me?” until they are around 30 years of age (Saturn Return). Then their life generally levels out. They still try things but as they get closer to middle age they do this less and less, becoming observers and settling down to live their life. Over time, they pull away from others more and more, preferring the company of themselves and a select few over new experiences and people. By the time they reach age 50 they have become extremely aloof and have thoughts similar to me and my cousin, feeling they are “done” and their life has no purpose. They may look back on their life and younger self and wonder, “Who is that person? Surely that wasn’t me.”

Here is a great article on the 6/2 profile that I find expresses my experience of the 6/2 profile very well.

I had to look up the word aloof to make sure I understood what it meant and my definition wasn’t incorrect. Aloof means someone who appears disinterested and stands apart from others; unfriendly; cold; not wanting or willing to take part in things; detached.

From vocabulary.com:

Someone who’s aloof isn’t warm and friendly, instead being distant and reserved. That emotionally cold and detached fellow who keeps to himself, drinking espresso and reading French philosophy, would best be described as aloof.

In Middle English, aloof was originally a nautical term; the loof (now spelled luff) is the windward side of a ship. Smart sailors wanting to avoid a hazard on the leeward side would give the order, “A loof!” From this command we get the idea of steering clear of something (or someone). In modern usage the word has taken on a negative connotation: an aloof person is often considered cold or snobby.

The aloof that describes me the best I think is the “steering clear of something” or someone. Yep! The thing is, it isn’t always clear what I am steering clear of, it is more of a feeling. Sometime I feel repelled and just have to get away.

And it isn’t only 6/2’s that experience this shift around middle age. My friend, a 6/3, and my SIL, also a 6/3, have confirmed to me multiple times that they are becoming more and more aloof. Note: My SIL could be a 6/2 (her time of birth is not known), but she doesn’t have enough hermit tendencies to fit the 6/2 so I think of her as a 6/3.

My SIL is about three years younger than I am and already choosing to live in the country over the city despite spending most of her life living in Los Angeles. Her desire now is to be a stay-at-home mom when in her youth she was a total workaholic. Though I didn’t know her as well when she was younger, from what I’ve heard she was very social, very out-going, and group oriented. As a Manifestor, she knew what she wanted to do and went for it. So, now that she is getting into her mid-40’s, she has calmed down significantly and told me that she does feel the need to retreat more and more.

My 6/3 friend is also finding herself retreating inward more and more. I have known her for about 20 years now. When she was younger she was very social, always encouraging me to get out more and introducing me to new people. Once she hit her mid-30’s she calmed down quite a bit, got married and settled into a stable career, even buying a house. However, I’m already noticing her shifting more inward, needing more and more time to herself. Just the other day she said to me, “Sometimes I think I hate people.” I replied back, “I know I hate people.”

The “hating people” part is more likely a Projector sentiment than a 6th line one. Being a 6th line Projector probably makes us more likely to interpret that “repulsive” feeling as “hate”. I’ll have to ask my cousin if she has ever felt that way.

When I think about how aloof I am and how I will probably only get more aloof over time, I wonder if I will end up the “crazy lady” who lives alone, hiding in her house, peering through closed windows at people outside? lol Thankfully, everything I’ve read about 6th lines says that, despite becoming more aloof, they eventually find their purpose (Role Model) and begin to re-join the world. I’m hoping, for sanity’s sake, that I do this because, though I do enjoy my alone time, I can’t imagine a life without others in it.

When I was with my cousin the other day, I sensed that her purpose would somehow involve animals and suggested that she open up her farm to the public, inviting children and maybe even special needs individuals. She told me she would love to do that if she could make a living doing it. Perhaps that is the direction she is headed and the place where she will shine? We will see. 🙂

Image source.

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2nd Lines, Projectors and the Holidays

How was your Thanksgiving? Hopefully, a pleasant one. 🙂 Mine was better than usual, but only because I set an intention that it would not be the dreaded, anxiety ridden, energy depleting day it normally is for me.

As a Projector with a 2nd line (6/2 Self-Projected), all holidays, even birthday celebrations, tend to invoke feelings of anxiety among other not so pleasant feelings. It’s not because I’ve had “traumatic” experiences around the holidays, either. It’s because the energy surrounding the holidays is just plain exhausting. The more people involved, the more exhausting. If all holidays just disappeared, it would be fine by me! Well, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. I guess I would prefer it if the holidays were slower, involved only very small groups of people (like 6 or less) and focused on the true meaning rather than becoming a “keeping up with the Jones'” materialistic heyday.

Let’s face it. The holidays as we know them – well all large gatherings and celebrations – are Generator created. The Generator motto is “the more the merrier” or “come one, come all!”. Even the hermits (2nd lines) of the Generating type tend to feel this way, though they are more selective when it comes to who’s involved in the gathering. For those of us who are non-Generating types, this leaves us with only two options – choose not to participate at all or suck it up and “deal”. And who really, deep down wants to be left out? We humans need other humans. Even hermits have to go out and interact to stay sane.

In a 2nd line FB group I’m a part of, on Thanksgiving day, a fellow Projector and 2nd line was bragging about how he was happily spending Thanksgiving day alone. Lots of people in the group (all 2nd lines) chimed in about how they were doing the same. This is all and well – to each his own – but I couldn’t help but feel a bit sad for them, too, because, well, just because they are hermits doesn’t mean they aren’t wishing they had at least one other someone to share the day with.

2nd line Hermits do not always want to be alone. And to be clear, alone here means “not around other people” versus alone as in spending time with themselves to heal and get in tune with their own energy. If they say they do, they are lying or they are in temporary recluse mode and it WILL pass. Projectors don’t want to be alone either, and if we say we do, it is because we’ve been rejected so many times that we feel we aren’t wanted anyway. As a 2nd line Projector I can say for a fact that all I want – all I’ve ever wanted – is to be seen and heard and accepted. The ONLY way for this to happen is to be around others. So, if you hear a Projector or a 2nd line boasting about how wonderful their life is because they are alone all the time – be suspicious but don’t argue.

When you get into Human Design, it is easy to over emphasize certain qualities of your profile and type, especially if you recognize something you missed about yourself before. I see this all the time. Projectors thinking they need to sleep all the time. Hermits thinking they should be alone all the time or glorifying alone time. Generators thinking they should have lots of energy all the time. Eventually, as they progress through the deconditioning process, they come into communication with themselves, listening to their strategy and authority, and no longer need to prove anything.

Intention is Everything

This Thanksgiving my husband was out of town (still is) and that left me doing things I prefer not to, like driving and talking to family to coordinate among other things. Driving on the highway is nerve wracking for me these days, mostly because I can sense the other drivers on the road among other things. Talking to family (or anyone), well if it involves phones, is something I avoid, too. So, rather than focus on all the things I didn’t want, I decided to focus on what I did want. I wrote this in my journal Thanksgiving morning:

My plan today is to visualize how I want things to go, to stay in present time as much as I can, to remember to breathe, focus on enjoying family and listen to my authority when it says “enough is enough”. I will also practice active listening and speak only when invited to share my wisdom. So, I probably won’t be talking too much except for normal chit-chat (which I abhor and can’t tolerate for long). If I feel too much, I will find a place to retreat far from Generator auras (at least 12 feet). If someone approaches me while I am in retreat, I will not run but excuse myself graciously without insulting them.

I went on to write about how I’ve experienced the holidays in the past:

For many, the holidays are a time they look forward to. For me, even as a kid I didn’t look forward to the holidays. At least at Christmas there were the gifts, at Halloween, candy and dressing up and Easter, egg hunts and more candy. Now days I don’t look forward to any of them really. They exhaust me just thinking about them. Even birthdays incite a big sigh. I often wish all holidays would be banned or at least limited to immediate family only. The big “come one, come all” gatherings are kryptonite to me. 

The day turned out much, much better than I expected, though, all thanks to setting an intention and keeping my focus in the present moment.

The Day

The drive to my mom’s was stressful but the traffic was low and I kept focusing on my intention. Thankfully, my kids were in good spirits and so that made the drive go much faster.

When we arrived, my mom’s two friends were already there but they were the kind to keep to themselves. They had two small dogs, one a toy Aussie, that reminded me of Monty. The energy was calm and nice. Yay!

When everyone else arrived the energy changed very little and I felt relaxed to the point that my hands were warm and I kept yawning. This is unlike me and surprised me to the point that I mentioned it. My uncle seemed to notice, though, and smiled when he nudged me and told me, “don’t fall asleep”. 

My cousin asked me to come see her new car and then told me about her car accident. This cousin tends to be very talkative and exhausting, but I just listened and acknowledged her and didn’t feel any exhaustion from out interaction. She rolled her car one early morning earlier this year and came out unscathed. She told me she wondered why she was allowed to live, especially when a friend of hers with two children died around the time of her accident. I reminded her that she must be here for a reason.

She also mentioned how, when she looks back on her life, she doesn’t recognize herself anymore and it was at that time I thought to myself, “I bet she is a 6/2 MG”. She told me she had spent her entire savings ($3k) to buy her new car. An idea popped into my head to send her $1,000.00 as a Christmas gift with a note, “To help rebuild your savings”. I thought about telling her but then decided to keep it a surprise. I knew if I had asked her if she wanted money she would’ve told me no.

My cousin sat next to me at dinner and we talked for a bit about lots of various things. The more she told me, the more certain I was that she was a 6/2. Eventually, I brought up human design and asked her for her birth info. When I pulled up her chart I smiled and showed her the profile and type that came up: 6/2 MG! I was spot on!

Afterward, me and the kids went to my cousin’s to look at her new baby goats and chicks. The kids enjoyed it very much as they held goats and little chicks. My little 2/4 Generator boys really loved it! 

On the drive home I realized I still had enough energy to go to the second gathering, something I didn’t think would happen. So, we attended the second gathering, with all my husband’s family and friends. It wasn’t at all bad and I felt very at ease, my hands still warm and my body relaxed. I was even asked how things were going and I explained how relaxed I had been all day and still was. I told them I suspected that the absence of my husband helped with that because he is super energetic. They all agreed, saying, “He’s the most energetic of all of us.”

A coworker and family friend was sitting across from me at the table. I stayed at the table after everyone had left as did he and his new wife. Somehow we got into a conversation and he talked more than I had ever heard him talk before while I practiced active listening. He seemed genuinely pleased to be talking to me, too, not strained or self-conscious. The topic of friends came up and he told me, “I’m not looking for friends. Friend are too much work.” I laughed out loud and said, “You sound like me! I’ve said those exact words many times.” We talked more about it and everything he described sounded very much like me – his avoidance of groups, his preference to be alone, his perception of others. I remember thinking to myself, “He’s either a 2nd line or a Projector…or both.” 

My kids were begging me to leave so I had to literally pull myself away from the conversation because he wanted to keep talking. I did, too, but the kids weren’t having it, so I left. It was so nice to find someone within the group who was like me! In the past I had seen him and suspected he was “different” and now I know why. I was sensing he was like me, same as he was sensing I was like him. 

I’ve never met a male Projector (that I know of) but when I researched his birthday (he is an employee so I have access to it), it turned out he is probably a Projector. I entered various birth times and the morning time and evening times make him a Projector. He is either a 3/5 or 4/6 Splenic Projector. There was no 2nd line in any profile type that came up for him. Based upon my experiences with 3/5 and 4/6 profile types, I would think he fits the 3/5 more, but I can’t be certain since I have limited experience with 4/6. 

Interestingly, I also discovered my SIL (the hostess of the gathering) is also probably a Projector. I kept noticing her energy at the gathering and compared to the others’ energy there, hers is much more accepting and calm. So, I looked up her chart using the information I have (no birth time). She could be a 2/4 Emotional Manifestor, but that only came up once in the 6 birth times I entered. She is either a 3/5, 2/5 or 2/4 Emotional Projector. Since I haven’t asked her birth time, I can only guess which one she is but I know, based upon how calm I feel around her, that she is not a Generating type. My guess is she’s a 3/5 Projector because she doesn’t have hermit tendencies.

If I am right, that means that my husband and his brothers all ended up with non-Generating types! One married a Projector, the other a Manifestor, and then my husband married me, a Projector. My husband’s parents were a MG-Projector couple, his mom being the Projector. My guess is they subconsciously selected women with similar energy to their mom. 

When I take a look around me at the auras that surround me I am intrigued by all the Projectors and Manifestors that are there! 3 Projectors and 2 Manifestors out of ten family members total and now the one family friend, too. This isn’t including all the Hermits (2/4’s), of which there are just as many! It is clear to me that this is no coincidence. I am surrounded by people who I can relate to and who can relate to me and energies that complement my own. Pretty awesome!

Intention Setting

I’ve been having some amazing wins with intention setting lately. I already wrote about my dentist anxiety issues and my success with that. Well, it happened again when I went in to get my permanent crown. I was relaxed and falling asleep in the dentist chair! And my Thanksgiving intention was also a success, even beyond what I had imagined!

Last night I spoke to my SIL who lives in Costa Rica, the one I stayed with for a month. She pointed out how proud she was of me for setting intentions and manifesting what I wanted. She reminded me that, while I was in Costa Rica, she and I worked on exactly that – intention. Specifically I brought back with me the decision that I would focus on what I wanted to feel and experience rather than on what I did not. When I think back on how I transformed my dentist and Thanksgiving experiences, I realize that is all I did – focus on what I wanted to feel. I have a tendency to focus on what I don’t want, which only makes it seem bigger and then brings it into my present experience. But I’ve been shifting that more and more lately, setting intentions to be in the present and pulling myself out of the past and future when I find my mind wandering. It is working and it is wonderful!

On Thanksgiving, when I decided to listen more and talk less, wonderful things happened. I became receptive to receiving from others, which I don’t normally do. I typically retract and retreat, which is a very lonely (alone) place to be. Because I was open to receiving, I discovered two Projectors in my life and recognized aspects of myself in my cousin, someone I’ve always struggled to connect with. As a Projector, my gift to others is that I make them feel seen, even other Projectors. I can only do this, though, when I follow my strategy and authority. My Not-Self says, “retract and retreat” but my strategy and authority say, “Listen” and “Be open to receive”. Duh.

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The 4th Line: White Hats Doing Black Work

I’m always learning something new in Human Design. Today, it is about the 4th line.

My family is filled with 4th lines (Opportunists), mostly on the body/subconscious level (second part of the profile). For example, my mom, brother, both my sons, brother-in-law, sister-in-law, nephews (two of them), other brother-in-law, older sister and my cousin (her husband) all have a 4th line in their profile type. There is a mixture of profiles among them, as I mentioned, with 2/4 (7 total!) being the most common, followed by 4/6 and then 1/4 and finally 4/1.

Overall, I find the 4th line easy to get along with, especially the 2/4 version. Of course, that’s because I have a 2nd line and can understand anyone else who has a 2nd line. Up until, today, I hadn’t considered the 4th line much at all, but after reading a quote by Ra, I am finally seeing what I failed to see before.

Here is the quote:

The 4 has this extraordinary pressure on them to give the right foundation to the other. What so often happens with the not-self, and this is something that is historical, is that you have so many human beings that are influenced into movements, sects, whatever it may be, that is not, in fact, of any value to them. Because the force that is bringing them to it only cares that they embrace the foundation. Not necessarily that the foundation is good for them.

White Hats Doing Black Work

I had this discussion the other day with a friend of mine, talking about what it really means to be somebody who wears a white hat and does black work. These are the beings that I have absolutely no respect for, I watch them with a combination of horror and dismay. The emotional therapist who is working with an unemotional teenager; the ego motivator working with the undefined ego being and not knowing what they are doing, not knowing what their effect is going to be on the other; that not-self 4 who will constantly, through their own life, look for some kind of foundation to influence others with. That’s what they’re here for, after all.

Of course, they’re not correct, and they enter into whatever it is incorrectly and take on a foundation that isn’t necessarily of any value to them, let alone to anybody else. But it is their role in this life; it is the pressure that is there at the mystical level to influence the other with that foundation. And they have a gift: they can sell sand to desert people. They have a gift as long as they know them. We have an enormous confusion of spiritual, mystical and religious ways, there are so many of them out there. There are so many beings who have been brought to and held in mystical foundations that are of no value to them; none.

I’ve mentioned that story before. I remember the first time that I taught in Los Angeles. I had the people who organized it put an ad in one of these publications. It was one of these monthly publications that have about 800 pages, and 60 and 70 different entries on a page. It was unbelievable. I collapsed into hysterical laughter. There are so many different foundations that have been sold out there. And that the good shepherds—ah, bless their hearts, white hats, black souls—the good shepherds are out there holding them to it, reinforcing and maintaining their connection through their networking. When you think of opportunism in this way as a not-self, you can blame that mystical 4 for everything. You can lay every lump of crap you want on it, poor things. It’s not their fault, after all.

It’s a beautiful gift; I appreciate the good shepherd. I think that it’s a wonderful thing when the foundation is legitimate. And I’m not just saying, ok, this is Human Design—it’s not about that. That 4 that enters into its process correctly as itself will take on a foundation that is legitimate for it, a foundation that it can influence others with. There is the potential always for correctness. But what a pressure it is on them, what an enormous pressure. The community of Human Design—the moment I leave this plane, and sooner or later the bus is going to show up—when I leave this plane, it will be 4’s that will maintain the foundation. It isn’t to say that the other lines aren’t going to have their “this or that” with it, that’s not the point. It will be the 4’s that will say, “Well, this is the way it was done and we’re not going to change it.” And I’ll be very grateful if they do their job well, because there are already mad, crazy, stupid people out there who think that they know better than the Voice, and it’s outrageous. However, life is what it is.

But it’s really something to grasp; we need our good shepherds. We need, within the community of our work those that will have this influence, who will be able to influence others in a network of familiarity and bond them in this process. For the growth of Human Design anyway, it is only when people begin to experience the community of Human Design and what it means to be in a community with others who are aware, that the real transcendent value of this knowledge, far beyond what it does for any individual, will actually become evident. This will be on the back of the 4’s, and there is not a lot of time to set that foundation. There is about 120 years, something like that. It’s enough time. All the 4’s that are born before 2027, for as long as they live will carry what’s left of this whole mystical process, and this ability to bring their influence to others.

So, whenever you meet a 4 that’s interested in Human Design you make nice with them, do a very good job with them, teach them well, and give them a really good foundation. Whenever I have a 4 for a reading I always make sure I add little extras, just to make sure they grasp how profound this foundation is because it’s all they’re looking for in life, and it’s not conscious. If they’re going to operate correctly, they are going to resonate to precisely the right foundation for them to export; that’s their job. “

Here is what stands out to me the most:

“[t]hat not-self 4 who will constantly, through their own life, look for some kind of foundation to influence others with”.

This is my sister and her husband in a nutshell. I will focus on my sister because I know her better, though. As a 1/4 she has always been social, always been one to navigate towards groups, always had people around her. She never cared what group it was, only that she was part of it. If new to a group, she would intentionally seek out others, befriend them, create a little “clan” and stick with them as long as possible. She pulled me into such a group when I lived near her. When I pulled away, she took it personally and she continues to try and pull me back, but it doesn’t work. She is “afflicted” with a desire to influence another and she doesn’t care particularly what the result is, just as long as she gets to influence. Take away that influence and she becomes restless, grumpy and sometimes mean/nasty. I’ve seen her influence in groups that suited her (teacher), and I’ve seen her influence in groups that didn’t (all drug related). She has a tendency to want to please the group to have more influence over it, so she typically does whatever everyone else does in the group, then, later, uses her role in the group to achieve something, and ethics and morals don’t really seem to matter to her (black work).

“[they] can sell sand to desert people”.

This part is so true! I’ve seen this trait especially with those whose personality part of their profile is 4: 4/1 and 4/6. My BIL, his son and my SIL fall into this category. They are masters of persuasion! My BIL is a 4/6 and a Manifestor. His ability to persuade those in his group is almost as high as my own husband’s (3/5 MG). Mostly, though, he is best when it is his idea he is seeking others to agree with – trademark of a Manifestor. His power over others comes in his certainty that he is right and will do it with or without their agreement. Yet he has learned that he must inform, first, and when he does, he easily persuades them into agreement.

My SIL is a 4/1 and her entire Beingness is about bringing people into her group, pulling them in with her magnetism and offering them what she can provide. Her persuasiveness comes with the library of knowledge and wealth of experience she has in her particular line of work. She built up her foundation and it is solid. Others recognize this and come to her. She doesn’t even have to try, they just come.

Both of these family members are following their strategy and authority. The only time I witness the not-self (white hats doing black work) is when someone refuses to be persuaded. My SIL turns into a lawyer, cross-examining you and making you feel wrong or somehow faulty for not seeing her rightness. My BIL just gets this blank look on his face and you can feel the strength of his repellant aura full-on.

I see this with my sister (1/4), also, but to a lesser degree. She is very convincing no matter what it is she is trying to sell. However, she doesn’t recognize this about herself and there is a huge lack of confidence. If her tactics don’t work and the Other doesn’t take the bait, she goes into full-on tantrum mode. I’ve seen her go through an entire range of emotions in her desperation to change my mind. She will go into rage, then blame, then tears, then passivity and “you’re right”, etc, all in an attempt to influence my decision. When it doesn’t work she will give up, but not without making sure I know how bad my decision is. The more drugs have become her life, the smaller her group and influence, and the more psychotic her tantrums as a result.

Overall, I don’t particularly enjoy the company of conscious 4th lines as much as unconscious ones. They are way to extroverted for my hermit side, exhausting me quickly. If I do not join their group the feeing is immediate rejection. My SIL becomes intolerable and tries to make me wrong or guilty (this is the SIL who lives in Costa Rica). I’m grateful that she accepted my need for alone time and even encouraged it at times (but only to the extent that I agreed to be part of her group). My BIL is hard to read (Manifestor) and the only time I don’t feel repelled by him is when I “join” him, whether as part of a group in agreement to his group’s “rules” or just in agreement with his ideas/intentions.

I can tolerate unconscious 4th lines like my sister (she’s a 1/4) but without the 2nd line to moderate their extroversion, they can demand way too much of me for too long. I have to retreat from them, also, in order to manage my energy levels. It can be hard not to fall victim to their persuasion, especially when they are an older sibling. My sister loves to make me feel guilty for needing to retreat into hermit mode. I spent much of my younger years struggling against her persuasive pull and my own need for alone time. Ultimately, I was/am able to say no and resist her, but she has never accepted my hermit side and remains highly critical of me.

The older I get, the less tolerant I am of those who try to pressure (influence) me from within a group. Groups can’t be avoided (I wish), but I can opt out, and I do. I only agree to be influenced in an attempt to mitigate the tension I feel from them while I am around them. I will “play” their social game for a short period and then retreat. I use to be more inclined to play along in my youth, but now, not so much. Thankfully, those 4’s I most associate with the most (2/4’s) accept me as I accept them. We have an “understanding”. 🙂

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HD Exploration: Gate 59-6, Melancholy and the Individual Channel of Inspiration

Not long ago – maybe two months now? – I went through a period of time where I was very sexual, or “in the mood”, more than I usually am. It lasted quite a while, maybe two weeks. My husband was very pleased because my normal sex drive has me in the mood maybe once a month, if that. Honestly, if my husband wasn’t as persistent as he is, three months or more would go by without me even thinking about sex. I’m just not interested anymore. 

During this odd occurrence, there was a post in one of my HD FB groups mentioning a transit that might contribute to some experiencing higher than normal sexual urges. Not a coincidence I’m sure! The reason for the sexual shift had to do with the channel of “mating”. Ha! I don’t normally have this channel activated. It have a hanging gate and my husband has the exact hanging gate. So, when together, our auras do not complete the circuit and that activation is not available to us. 

This is what the post said:

The 59-6 Channel of Mating is in the transit until Aug 26th, creating intense sexual emotional waves across the population.

There was an image showing the channels of the transit creating this effect but I couldn’t access it. 

The hanging gate I have is 59:

Gate 59 – Dispersion
Gate of Sexuality – Bonding and Intimacy Beyond Words
The ability to break down barriers to achieve union. The potential energy for a deep and fertile connection with the other resulting in a life creating union.

Gate 6 is missing from my chart AND I have a completely open Solar Plexus. So, in order to complete the circuit, I either have to find someone who has the entire gate (activated) or someone with a hanging 6. 

Gate 6 – Conflict
Gate of Friction – Feeling, Emoting, and Sensitivity
The fundamental design component of progress. The law that growth cannot exist without friction. The energy for producing life itself.

I have my own suspicions about this channel based upon my experiences. It isn’t the only sexual channel, but when I’ve met someone who has the other hanging gate and, together, we complete that circuit, sparks fly. I’ve not been able to do the charts of everyone I’ve connected with (physical or spiritually) but I think this channel is responsible for magnifying the K experiences I had with one individual in particular. He had the other hanging gate, completing the circuit for both of us. I suspect, for him, the effects were just as powerful and surprising as they were for me. I only wish that the above mentioned transit had created the same connection with my husband, but it didn’t even come close. 😦

Connection Chart – me and the individual mentioned above. The completed circuit is circled in black. You can see my hanging Gate 59 where it connects to his hanging Gate 6.

If you can remember, did you notice a shift in your sex drive during this transit back at the end of August? If so, please share!

Kundalini

There are other reasons for my lack of sex drive, but the biggest, most significant reason is the Kundalini. I’ve written about it before, but for those who’ve not experienced the erotic, blissful, sexually intense, orgasmic energy of the K, you might assume I’m making excuses, using the K as a reason to avoid a relationship issue that, for most, is HUGE. My husband assumes this, so I don’t hold it against you if you do think this way. 

Because I care about my husband and his own sexual “needs” (I honestly don’t think they are a need, but I won’t go into that right now), I do try and accommodate him as much as I can. The problem is, when we do have sex, my experience is down right pathetic. My body reaches orgasm but it is almost imperceptible compared to what my body is capable of achieving. It reminds me of when I was on antidepressants and I haven’t taken those is over two decades. 

The thing is, during those two weeks, this issue was nonexistent and prior to that it was not this bad, but since the two week period it is like my body is just numb. Everything is muted. So, where I was not interested before but could at least enjoy sex, now it is pointless to even try. 

I wouldn’t be concerned except that it was nice during those two weeks. I felt “normal” again and, though it was nothing like my dreams or my K experiences, it was better than nothing. Now I’m left wondering if I need to visit a doctor and get my hormone levels checked.

The only thing is, when I dream, this issue is nonexistent. If anything, the more sexual “dysfunction” there is in my physical boy, the more amazing my spiritual experiences get. 

Depression

I have also been very depressed for a few weeks now. Like below my normal low mood state. I’ve been so disinterested in life that I’ve thought I should go get some help, maybe get back on antidepressants. My husband would never allow for that, but I’m really tired of feeling blah all the time. I’ve looked online for someone who specializes in transpersonal therapy but have yet to find anyone that feels like a match. The one time I sent an email to a local person that seemed to good to be true, she never replied.

My guidance has been close, also, pointing out that I have unresolved issues from my past related to my heart connection and the debilitating pain that forced me to completely disconnect from my heart center in order to cope. Without help, though, I don’t know how to work through and heal this pain. My guidance reassures me that help is being provided. Since nothing has come to my attention in my waking life, it must all be happening in dreamtime. 

What I have concluded is that I am working through repetitive responses to the same pain in other lifetimes. The repetitive responses have been – kill myself or lose interest in life and die feeling unfulfilled and numb. So far, I’ve avoided the killing myself part at least, which at the time of the debilitating pain, felt much too close for comfort! I’m currently struggling with the second tendency.

The lesson is an extremely difficult one. I can see clearly now why my heart connection did what he did. He was very much a catalyst, not only for the K, but also for putting me on this all too familiar path. I am suppose to pick myself up by the bootstraps and move on with my life, to take the experience and transform/transmute it. 

Currently, I am faced with the numbness – physical, emotional and spiritual. My dreams are my only reprieve, but when I inspect what few memories remain, the numbness is a relief in comparison! I wake up begging to be freed from this prison (life in this body). My guides have challenged me to stop requesting it, to control my thoughts regarding such requests. My request will not be granted. So far, I’m doing better but it is very hard when I wake up feeling so discouraged day in and day out. 

In regards to my feeling discouraged, trapped, stuck – all the time – there is a reason for this, also. Sure, there is a past life karmic reason, but there is also a design reason (as in Human Design). 

Melancholy and the Individual Channel of Inspiration

I’ve always tended toward melancholy. Interestingly, it is written all over my HD profile. My only defined channel, the 1-8, is an individual channel. This is what it means to be individually defined in HD:

People with individual channels are primarily interested in themselves and acoustically oriented. They are often freaks and cannot be labeled. It is most difficult for them to get integrated into society, into groups and tribes, because they are lone wolves and need to spend much time alone, not influenced by the masses. They are so to speak the agents of evolution, who should bring something new, a mutation to the collective and society to ensure the survival and development of the human race.

They don’t like at all to be told what they should do, and thus they are uncontrollable and “deaf” to the influence of others. The reason for that is that they should bring fresh wind to the dusty old things, instead of perishing in the homogenized world.

Their being is accompanied by the deep melancholy that is the foundation for creativity and innovation, as long as they don’t give any reasons to this melancholy and don’t try to avoid and evade it. Melancholy is often accompanied by the feeling of not moving forward in their lives, of being stuck and that nothing moves in their life. When people with individual channels allow themselves to share this melancholy and to accept the permanently recurring limitation, then they can access their power and bring creative and mutative empowerment to the society and the collective.

Source: https://humandesignsystem.co/en/36-channels-of-the-human-design-chart/

The bold parts are me in a nutshell. I struggle to see how melancholy is the foundation of creativity and innovation, though. For me, my depression doesn’t seem to lead me anywhere but to the same; therefore, I feel stuck all.the.time and am plagued by a strange restlessness that is only lessened when I get out of my mind. This is mentioned above, too – “as long as they don’t give any reasons to this melancholy and don’t try and avoid or evade it.” I’m working on this part and slowly getting better at it, but it is difficult!

When I had my HD Foundation reading, my wonderful analyst, a 5/1 Mental Projector, was very nice about giving me the “bad news” related to my design. Despite her putting a positive spin on everything, ie. my design is “very specific”, I’m “special” and have a very “defined purpose”, I could perceive her deep sympathy for the down-sides of my design. I could almost hear her thinking, “I’m glad I’m not her.” 

The truth is, I’m meant to walk this life alone in my melancholy. Few people will call me out to share my wisdom and even fewer will acknowledge and truly “see” me. On top of all this limitation, those that do call me out, will seek to possess me and keep me for themselves, desperately clinging to whatever it is they feel I can give them. So I end up feeling deeply rejected by almost everyone and then, when I finally feel hope at being seen, when I’m finally called out, I find myself desperate to get away from the clutches of a person who fails to truly see me. So often in relationships I end up fighting against the cords of attachment, wanting only freedom to be myself without the constant expectations and projections of the Other. 

Recently, I’ve realized that even those who I think truly do see me – don’t. Currently, I think my mother comes the closest to truly seeing me, but then she has had my whole life to do so. When I have been “seen” by others, I find they only see those parts that suit them and what they are seeking. Therefore, the sense of being seen is short-lived and when it passes, I am left feeling once again unseen and the other ends up blaming me for their inability to posses me. I am labeled and stored in their minds, put on a shelf and forgotten.

Here is something I found online that explains the 1-8 channel very well:

This is a Life Force that can shine out in it’s individual expression in such a unique way you can stand out in any crowd.

It makes you incomparable. Whether it is through your beautiful artistic expressions or your eccentric peculiarities, you are designed to embody who you are in everything you do.

There is only one way for you in this life and that’s your way. People can be deeply impressed with your ability to live differently to others. You can be such an inspiration to others by simply being you and doing things in your own way. You can help empower others to do things in their own way and break out from the homogenization that currently infects human behavior.

This is not an energetically powerful Life Force. You are not designed to show your difference until you are invited to do so. 

It’s important not to try to push your way onto others. You are here to present yourself to others in a way they can accept your mutative and new contribution. You can be a trendsetter because of your uncommon style and attractive manner.

Your natural ability to present may develop into solo performances if you have dancing, musical or acting abilities. Yes, you may have to train with others but you will soon stand out as someone special and once you are the solo star everyone can admire your unique style.

TOP TIP: Trying to dance to someone else’s tune or fitting yourself into behaving in a way that does not suit who you are will be intolerable to you. Whatever they’re paying you it won’t be enough!

Another thing to bear in mind, is that you are going to have to go through a process of learning how to communicate with all kinds of people. This is not in-built with this Life Force and unless you have other Life Forces in your chart that can compensate, you will probably have to learn the hard way.

Your presentations will always be unique to you. Weird and eccentric can get you noticed, but if you wish to live an expanded life, then you need to wait to be invited for your moment to speak or show others what you can do. You can be so amazing, but you are also an ‘acquired taste’. Not everyone likes fresh new ways of being and those who are deeply traditional are unlikely to appreciate you. You have a strong sense of identity but you become bolder and truer when others are encouraging because they are delighted by you.

If you lead by example, others may follow you, but you won’t be leading them, you’ll simply be yourself. You may mix modalities in an unusual and creative way if you are an alternative health practitioner, you may have a quirky voice that makes you a fortune as a performer, you may bake cakes that are so incredible that a company forms around you and a whole new specialist business comes into manifestation.

If you’re not being recognized for you uniqueness, then you are either in reaction to some past trauma that has conditioned you into being a recluse, or you are simply in the wrong place around the wrong people for you. Source: Reddit.com 

So, it seems, there is no escaping how and who I am. I am this way on purpose. This body, its design, is purposeful. The sooner I accept it, the better. It is a hard pill to swallow!

References:

Bunnell, Lynda and Ra Uru Hu. (2011). The definitive book of human design. Carlsbad, CA. HDC Publishing.


 


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A Little Update

So much is going on but at the same time so little. I know, but that is what it feels like. In the past, I’ve called this feeling the “eye of the storm” because I feel like I am standing in the middle of a hurricane watching everything and everyone struggle around me but I remain unscathed. It’s not that I’m not affected – I am – but only because I choose to be by my concern and love for those around me. Yet, regardless of how much I want to make an impact upon others in order to help, I find myself powerless to do so. What actions I do take seem to have no effect. The feeling of powerlessness in itself is upsetting and has the potential to create an inner storm, and it does, until I recognize it and center myself.

Family Drama

An all too familiar family issue has been rearing its ugly head. It’s my sister. Without going into too much detail, she and her husband have gotten themselves into a little legal problem, as in they now have warrants to contend with. As is usual with me, my dreams alerted me to the problem and I reached out and messaged my sister. She then unloaded it all on me. I think she had been holding onto it for far too long and the opportunity to let it all out was too tempting to resist. Knowing better, I got involved and tried to help, actually sending her money twice, in hopes that she would make the right decision and handle her problems responsibly. In all I contributed $400 in an attempt to help my nephew stay in his school. I thought I might have persuaded my sister to do the right thing but she turned to her husband who changed her mind and they fled north. My sister told me they are planning to leave the state. They are running but I know eventually their problems will catch up with them.

My mother has been negatively impacted, as usual. This past weekend I had the idea to go visit her. When I arrived, she hugged me and said, “I knew you’d come. You always know when I need you.” Surprised, because I had not perceived it that way (but she is correct, I do sense when she needs me), I asked her what was wrong. She told me she had gotten nasty texts from my sister’s husband. He had gotten my sister’s phone and read all her messages. I don’t know what he read but whatever it was made him angry. We talked for a while about their predicament and I figured he felt safe with all the distance between him and us that he decided to “burn bridges”. My sister, on the other hand, continues to message my mom but her messages are disjointed and, as usual, she asked for money. Sigh.

My mom says when she gets texts or communication like she did from my BIL, she becomes weak and almost falls down. My sister creates the same effect. At her age, she doesn’t need that kind of stress! I want to make it all go away. I wish I could fix things. It seems my lesson is to let it alone. I am here to observe and help when invited by being physically and emotionally present. 

Sacroiliac Joint Pain

Maybe it’s stress, but along with all of the above I hurt my back. I don’t think it’s serious but it has been a PITA (literally). At first it was bearable but then I had a deep tissue massage and it actually aggravated the problem. After the massage it flared up to the point that I had to lay in bed with a heating pad and/or ice and take Ibuprofen. At first I kept exercising because movement helped but always after I cooled down the pain and stiffness would return, sometimes worse. At the most the pain was a 5/10, which isn’t too bad.

My guess, based upon my research, is that I’ve inflamed my sacroiliac joint, most likely by the CrossFit I’ve been doing lately (high impact, heavy weight). When the SI joint is inflamed, the pain is made worse by prolonged standing or sitting. For me, standing exacerbates the pain. I feel the pain in my upper glutes more than my back. It’s a deep seated aching that is not relieved except by movement. For some the pain to be felt down one or both legs or the lower back, but I don’t have those issues. The pain is often misdiagnosed as Sciatica, but SI joint issues do not cause weakness. 

When I told my mom about it, she said that is the joint she has degeneration in and causes her issues. So it may be hereditary. 😦 The best thing I can do is stop lifting weights, stay active, stretch consistently and listen to my body. It should go away on its own. 

I’ve taken this whole week off of weight training. Bending down to pick up anything over 5lbs causes my my sacral area to hurt. I feel old, especially when I wake up in the morning. My entire posterior chain is stiff. 😦 So every morning I do 10-15 of yoga after I take Monty on a walk. Later in the day I do 30 minutes of low impact cardio. It’s working!

The sacroiliac joint is connected to the root chakra. Based upon my dreams of late, it appears that I’m working on that area, as well as other areas linked to survival and security. 

Dreams

My dreams have been bringing up emotion quite frequently, specifically fear and avoidance. My guides sometimes make an appearance, asking question and creating spikes in lucidity in order to make remembering the encounters easier. 

The other night the dream I had was about recognizing when to take action based upon the signs received. In that particular dream, I witnessed a roof begin to crack and the metal sheets slid down to reveal two separate houses under one roof. At the end of the dream I said to my guide, “I can’t ignore the signs anymore. It is clear this is no longer my path.”

I’m also having dreams of various meetings with people I know in real life (online and in-person). The emotion and energy of the encounters are muted in my memory but when I wake I know the energy connection was substantial. It feels like I am doing quite a bit in dreamtime but I wake up almost devoid of the specific memory. All that’s left is residual energy and a suspicion that something significant occurred. 

Sometimes I remember the dreams vividly and of those times I’ve wished I hadn’t. The dream encounters are consistently with the same person, on average 1-2 dreams per month. Initially the dreams were friendly, but now they almost always involve Kundalini energy. The most recent one ignited my heart with bliss, something I have yet to experience with this person in dreamtime. The heart bliss is my all-time favorite of all the K energy. I’m a little worried about the pattern I see arising, especially since this person is someone I interact with on occasion.

The other night I spent quite a long time talking with a woman amidst various dream scenes. I was awakened by her voice and an vivid image of a middle aged woman with thick, blonde hair. She was telling me that what I am seeking will be found and as I became more lucid, I interrupted her message with my own Knowing. Even though what I was being told was mostly positive and should’ve brought me hope, I woke up crying. 

After I returned to sleep, I found myself in a dream scene with the same woman. Our conversation continued but I kept fighting sleep in the dream, sluggish and unable to “wake up” within it like I needed to. Despite my struggle, I still recall enough to know that I was being counseled. There were emotions present that I felt fully to the point that I became overwhelmed. These emotions were not mine, though, and I recognized this. I felt the woman’s intense purpose and desire. I felt her intention, her love, her guilt, her pain. She invited me to join her on her path and I told her, “I can, but not for long. Your path is not my own.” She questioned me on what I was feeling and when I told her I became wistful and overwhelmed at the same time. I want to feel the emotion but it is more than I can bear and I told her, “I’m not use to feeling so much. I don’t know what to do with it all!” I desire to feel more alive, and the emotion creates such a zest for life, so I embrace it. Yet at the same time I am fearful of it because I become paralyzed by it to the point that all I do is cry. To feel so much makes me feel inadequate to the point of a failure because I cannot cope except to let the emotion overpower me.

Human Design

Because of the energy dynamics in my dreams and the questions posed by my guidance over the span of a couple of weeks, I am thinking more and more about my HD chart. Specifically, how limited and specific my chart is compared to other charts I’ve seen. The overwhelm I have at encountering lots of emotion is likely a direct result of my lack of definition. When I meet someone who has more definition, especially those with lots of it, the amount of emotion I experience is much higher than I do when not influenced by their aura. If the person has a defined emotional center (solar plexus) it is even more intense, like blow me out of the water intense. 

My mother is one of these individuals. She and I, when our auras interact, have a 9-0 relationship, which means all centers are defined. She is an emotional MG, the most intense you can get. My daughter is also an emotional MG. I find the emotion of both of them quite overwhelming and have to walk away in order to avoid being swept up in it. When either of them gets highly emotional, I find myself following suit and it can create quite the upset if the emotion is negative. However, when the emotion is positive I am deeply attracted to them/it and enjoy being swept up into it. All in all, their emotion feels like my own but the truth is – it’s not. 

I have struggled my entire life with trying to differentiate between my own emotion and the emotion of others. My typical emotional state is very flat compared to others – in general. It’s not that I can’t feel emotion of my own, but that I can be very disconnected emotionally. This can often cause others to think me incapable of emotion. To someone who is very emotionally defined I can appear callous and cold, uncaring and, as my daughter puts it, “mean”. But, I can also be extremely compassionate, caring and sympathetic when I want to. This part of me comes out most when I around someone who is feeling sadness, grief, or depression. I tend to be coldest when a person is venting, raging, angry, pressuring or critical. 

So, my discussion about emotion in my dream brings me to conclude that my HD is teaching me how to gauge emotion, my own and others. I have a completely open emotional center, so when I feel, I feel it ALL. It literally sweeps me up, devours me entirely and then drops me all at once leaving me wondering WTF happened. And it is VERY overwhelming at times. There is no avoiding that. The way to cope with all that emotion is to let it flow through me without being the effect of it. Completely OPEN in HD is like a spigot without a shutoff. Trying to shut it off won’t work. BUT, if I remain neutral, letting the emotion flow by as I observe, then I can manage without being swept away by it all. 

It is clear to me why I chose my husband as a partner. His HD is very similar to my own. He only has one more defined center – sacral – and he is an MG, but not an emotional one. So we are both very flowing and fluid. The emotion I feel from him, while it can be intense, is tolerable because, oddly, it feels self-created, as if he is playing a role he thinks he should play. The drawback, however, is that without emotion that has definition, it can get quite boring. So, I am choosing boring and predictable because at least I feel in control versus feeling totally controlled by the emotion otherwise. Someone with definition takes the lead when with someone without definition.

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Message: Rest Area

I’ve been home for almost two days now. It has been a little bit of an adjustment getting back to “normal”. When I arrived home I was met at the airport by my husband and oldest son. My husband hadn’t texted me he was on his way, so I thought he may be late. Turns out he stayed quiet on purpose for the surprise. 

When we got to the car I was surprised by my other two children. My oldest son told me they were swimming at their uncle’s house. lol 

When I got to the house I was again surprised. This time with a kitchen upgrade. My whole family helped my husband make some small changes that made a big difference. He redid the backsplash, painted it a new color, bought a new table and installed pendant lighting. On top of all this, he thoroughly cleaned the entire house!! He also had two bouquets of flowers waiting for me. I love the new look of my kitchen!

Since returning, I have felt more gratitude for what I have. Living with so much less for 30 days has really helped me see how blessed I am. Air conditioning, hot water, reliable electricity, etc – I am surrounded by abundance! 

Funny enough, the first day back was full of surprises. When I logged into work from home, a porn pop-up greeted me. Turns out my son had clicked on something. lol I had to fix that issue because it was just plain annoying. Then, when I got ready to drive into work, my car wouldn’t start. It had a dead battery. My husband came to fix it and discovered that our Hyundai hybrid model doesn’t have a traditional battery like our Prius did. Instead you just push a reset button. Ha! At work I discovered my printer and scanner had not been set up. The internet was not functioning properly so set up was not happening and then when it did work the printer printed sideways! My boss eventually just printed the checks from her computer and printer. lol Finally, on the way home, my husband almost rear ended another car. 

I mention all this not to point out the stress but my response to it. Instead of stressing out, I mostly just laughed at it all. I was most surprised by how I reacted to the near miss by my husband. Sure I had the adrenaline rush of surprise but the thing that was unusual for me was that I was so relaxed. Usually I am on alert for possible accidents and very uneasy when my husband drives. I suppose all my time in taxis in Costa Rica has helped. haha!

Messages and Lucid Dream

This morning I awoke to a message: Rest Area. If you think of the purpose of rest areas along highways you will get the point. I understood it to mean that on my life journey I have come to a place where I can rest and relax for as long as I need. It’s not the same as a parking lot which implies that no progress is being made and you are at a standstill. Instead, it is more that I need to sleep and recover from a long journey. Now is the time to enjoy life. I can look back on my progress and gain insight for the journey ahead. Eventually I will leave but only when I am well rested and ready. 

Also, I had a lucid dream experience where I began to feel, see and experience my dream in a very real way. A large, overweight man approached me and introduced himself as “Eddy”. When I heard his name, I heard another word behind it, “Fast”. So his name was “Fast Eddy” which happens to be the name of a restaurant often found near hotels and gas stations – Fast Eddie’s. For some reason I hugged the man close and my vision turned on vividly along with all my other senses. I also recall kissing him passionately. The man was taller than me, so I had to look up to kiss him. I remember seeing his neck and jawline clearly. As I began to look towards his face he said, “What do you see?” I replied, “Whatever I want.” I lost my vision and woke up briefly only to return to sleep. 

With my reply, I understood that my answer was a message in itself. I create my reality and in that moment I was seeing Eddy as I wanted to see him. I was creating his image and the entirety of the experience I was having. 

Goals

I don’t really find these messages surprising considering the goals I set for myself upon returning home. With the space and isolation I found in Costa Rica I gained insight into myself which was the whole point to begin with! My time alone helped me to reacquaint myself with my true nature which, as a Projector, involves quite a bit of downtime in the form of sleep and immersion in nature. I did a whole lot of nothing for much of my time in Costa Rica. lol What was surprising to me was how wonderful I slept in an unfamiliar place with no a/c. It was the best sleep I’ve had in a long time!!!

My design is to go with the flow. That is what I have NOT been doing in life but I got to experience this aspect of myself while in Costa Rica. It took a while. I resisted at first. I think the second week was when I finally began to embrace the feeling. Prior to this I experienced quite a bit of emotional release. A ridge of energy had to be dispelled and with it lots of considerations that weren’t helpful. I directly confronted some false beliefs about myself.

Growing up, I often heard that I was “lazy” from my mom. She believed in productivity, as does my husband (and most Generating types). So, if I am not producing something of value then it is pointless. Since resting and laying around is not producing something of value (it is, something I now recognize), then whenever I do nothing I feel guilty and often fill my day with as much activity as I can. This, for a Projector, is not in line with our design. We need lots of rest and time alone. Plus, my 2nd line requires plenty of rest and aloneness, too. 

When I finally let myself rest and be “lazy” I recognized this was very much my nature. I LOVE to sleep and lay around. In fact, if you were to ask me my favorite thing (physically) about this world/life, I would say, “My pillows.” lol I even told my SIL when I arrived that my goal was to sleep as much as I could, and that I did do! 

I decided that when I returned home I would do these things:

1. Listen more and talk less.
2. If I feel irritable or bitchy find a way to be by myself ASAP. 
3. Communicate my needs before I feel irritable and bitchy.
4. Listen to my first response to an invitation and stick with it. 
5. Sleep as much as I want and whenever I want! 
6. Eat and exercise intuitively rather than forcing myself to stick to a routine or schedule.

Number 1 came from understanding just how eagerly I want to share with others, but mostly others don’t want to (or aren’t ready to) receive. So, when I do get invited, I tend to overwhelm the other with too much, too fast. I am often told I am “too intense” because of this. So, I will wait to be invited and then just give a little of all that I have to share and let the other decide whether they want more.

Number 4 is advice for all Self-Projected Projectors. I/we need to listen to my/our own voice and follow it. If I feel/say “no”, then that is what I need to stick with. 

Number 6 comes from a whole month of eating and exercising intuitively. When I went to Costa Rica I knew I wouldn’t exercise, at least not like I am use to (I ran with horses and went on several hikes). I also decided to eat whatever I wanted. It became clear to me just how much time and effort I use to put into my diet and exercise routine. I am much happier not putting so much energy into doing that! Besides, my body still looks and feels good, even after a whole month of “eating like shit” and “laying around.” LOL

And after this morning’s message concurrent with the realization that I am in a period of abundance, I have decided to enjoy this period in my life as much as possible because, at some point, circumstances will change. Right now, though, life is really sweet. 

Pictures

Leaving you with some pictures of my last few days in Costa Rica. Some are of my trip to San Jose where I visited the Doka coffee estate and the La Paz Waterfall Gardens. 

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LYD Zoom FAIL and Info on Authority

Attended the Living Your Design (LYD) Zoom meeting and was quite disappointed. First, there were a total of 18 participants! So the group was too big IMO for any kind of meaningful, connected discussion to occur. The majority of the participants were young, also, which created a completely different vibe, one I was not thrilled about. As a teacher, the group reminded me of my elementary aged students – ages 6 or so. When I would ask a question, every.single.student would raise their hands, most of them rising out of their seats, and all of them saying, “Me, me, me! I know! I know!” This is what the attendance energy was like. I could feel from all of them how desperate they were for one-on-one attention. And when they were called upon, they eagerly took up way too much time talking about themselves, going on tangents or asking multiple questions.

Part of the group dynamics and this “desperate to be heard” feeling came from the fact that the majority of the attendees were Projector types. Why would this be? Well, Projectors have to “wait for the invitation” and, as you can imagine, the waiting can be difficult to endure. So, to be in a group where an invitation is assumed allows the Projector to speak their truth. This is what they have been waiting for!!! So, yeah, lots of very eager beavers, all ready to speak their truth which they’ve been holding in for what feels like forever. Then both facilitators were also Projectors, ha! They loved sharing their charts the most. Ugh. You may wonder, “Weren’t you eager, too?” Not really. I may have spoken if requested but I was not feeling it. I felt like observing and that was what I did. I learned a long time ago that group invitation has its limits, too, and most are not truly open to what I have to say. They will really only listen if what I say is about them and serves to guide them in some way.

Second, the first 2 hours was a review of the course and full of repetitive questions by people who either weren’t in attendance for the original question or were wasting their time in the chat room, not paying attention to the actual class (OMG so annoying!). Why they had the chatroom open, IDK, but the amount of notifications I was getting was distracting. It was obvious some of the students knew each other and they were chatting about personal topics related to HD but not related to what was currently being discussed. As a teacher, seeing the chat going on while the teacher was teaching, was a big trigger to me. It screamed disrespect.

The last three hours was meant to discuss authority specifically. Again, the students were eager beavers and the amount of time that was spent on emotional, splenic and sacral authority was ridiculous. To give you an example, when Splenic authority was the topic, I went downstairs to eat lunch and folded an entire load of laundry and they were STILL talking about it! I got up again and did more stuff and came back and they finally moved on from it. I would say they spent a total of 30 minutes just on that authority. There was only 2 hours total to focus on all the different authorities, too!

I waited patiently throughout because I wanted to hear about G-Center authority specifically. I didn’t want to talk or share or any of that really. In fact, I would have been horribly embarrassed had they called on me specifically. I just wanted to hear more on it and if a question came to me I would ask it. What ended up happening was that so many in the group were of the most common authority types (emotional, sacral and splenic) that by the time it got to G-Center the time had run out and the facilitators decided, “We will save that for the next Zoom.” UGH!!!! I won’t be in that one because I will be in Costa Rica!!

Sure, I could’ve left the meeting at any time and I did take breaks and shut off my video for most of it. When I tuned into my authority to see what I should do, I felt like there was nothing pressing going on that needed my attention and so I might as well stay. So that’s what I did. 

I was thoroughly frustrated with the experience in the end. In my observation of the participants and their behavior, I saw that most were fascinated with this new “toy” they had found and eager to share and explore it. They wanted to talk with their friends about it and do what children do with new toys. This mirrors the FB groups I’m in. All very young (20’s-early 30’s) and self-absorbed. It’s newness will eventually wear off and when they are asked to actually “do the work” a good half or more will fall away, distracted by another new “toy” that promises to give them all the answers and show them the way. I want to scream at all of them and say, “YOU have to do the work! HD is a tool. It is not meant to tell you what to do! It is not a fast track. There IS NO fast track!” 

The types of questions they were asking indicated they were looking for an answer to fix everything that is “wrong” with themselves. They all wanted a quick fix. Who doesn’t? But HD isn’t that. 

What is interesting, is that toward the end of his life, Ra Uru Hu expressed similar frustrations with people who came to him. They wanted him to tell them what to do. He got so exasperated that he eventually stopped engaging with people like that and called them on it. WTG Ra! I had similar concerns when I gave readings full-time. Too often people wanted me to tell them what to do, to make life decisions for them. It really turned me off to the point that I started putting limits on psychic readings. My rule was, “Don’t come back for another reading on the same topic until it has been 6 months.” I kept records, too, just because so many would come back and ask the SAME questions!!!

There was this guy, I will call him, “Splenic guy” because he was thoroughly obsessed with his splenic authority and had tons of questions, most that were really off topic and had no relevance to the class. He was called on at least four times throughout the class and each time he took up so much time that I ended up walking away from the computer each time because I couldn’t take it. When he got an answer it wasn’t good enough. Why? Because they were telling him he had to learn on his own. They didn’t give him the quick fix he wanted. Sigh. 

The good news is I learned a lot about the authorities. 

Solar Plexus (emotional) authority – “The longer you wait, the sweeter it tastes”. Don’t rush into things. Take your time. Ride the emotional wave. This means let the emotion go through all it’s stages until you are back to a settled, “flat” emotional feeling. Only then do you make a decision. This means that when something really tasty and wonderful comes along, wait it through to the end, when that tastiness is just a comfortable part of the experience and not a “woah, I want more of that!’. Only then do you move forward with a decision. Do I want this? If yes, do it. If no, don’t.

A good example – My mom is emotional authority. My sister blocked her on FB when she found out my mom supported Trump and didn’t take Covid seriously. My mom was very hurt and crying when she came to me and for my mom, who rarely shows her emotions, this was a big deal. She said she was going to take my sister out of her will. I advised her to wait a bit before doing anything drastic and reminded her to focus on the love she felt instead. I advised that she may make a decision she regretted otherwise. 

Sacral Authority – this is an easy one. You will get a “yes” or “no” response from your sacral. It is pretty obvious if you are not in your mind all the time and second-guessing it. If you ignore a “no” and do something anyway, be prepared to suddenly find yourself exhausted or struggling to find energy to follow through. 

Good example of this: My husband is sacral authority. He tends to say yes to everything (he has an open heart center, also) and rather than change his mind and pull out, he follows through no matter what. The result is he finds himself unusually tired for no reason, taking naps mid-day and struggling to find the energy to do things. When he does things he enjoys, however, he has endless energy. So, I try to encourage him to do those things instead, but he just can’t say no to certain people. His Not-Self wins too often.

Splenic Authority – Most common Projector authority BTW. This one is a split second response of “yes” or “no”. It is very easy to miss because the “voice” is really quiet. The Spleen responds “in the moment” and can change from moment to moment. So the response is for the present moment only and so that means in the next moment that response could change. So, at 1pm you may get a “yes” to go to that party but at 5pm, while at the party, you may get the “no” response. The problem is that if you miss the response then it is gone and then you are stuck with a prior one or second-guessing yourself. This could lead you to a not so good result. Maybe you just have a bad time at the party or it could be that you miss another better opportunity that you would have been led to had you listened and followed your authority in the moment.

I’ve got lots of people in my life with this authority and so it was very familiar to me its “changeable” tendencies. My MIL is splenic. OMG she is frustrating sometimes! She is ‘yes, no, yes, no’ in crazy amounts. With her, though, it is because she doubts her splenic response and asks people for advice. Her tendency is to do what others want when her spleen tells her “no”. The end result is that she ends up doing stuff she never should’ve agreed to do. Similarly, my friend really struggled with this when she was younger. I watched her jump around from one thing, place, job, relationship to the next as if she was a yo-yo. Her path looked like a zig-zag and the one thing you could always count on was that she was going to change her mind, probably right in the midst of something. She absolutely hated this about herself, but this is what being Splenic Authority is all about! It’s her Not-Self telling her something is “wrong” with her for bouncing around. What if that is exactly what she is suppose to do? 

Most of the Splenic’s in the group were like my friend. They hated that they were bouncing around and felt guilty for changing their minds. Surely they are doing something wrong, right? Nope. 

Another thing I learned from the abundance of time spent on this authority, is that people with a define Spleen (not necessarily their authority) are more likely to be worried about and waiting for that “life or death situation”. When there is nothing going on and nothing to worry about, they are worrying about the ‘what if’s’ related to survival. They are primarily concerned with survival and so when something survival related comes up, there is a tendency to go into fear. The more defined channels and gates in the Spleen, the more fear response.

I laughed about the survival focus and fear response because my MIL is a perfect example. She will go into a frenzy over the most minor survival related things. For example, the car we let her use needed insurance renewed. She had no money (always the case with her) and she was certain that if she didn’t have insurance she would get in a wreck and “bad” things would happen. She called my husband and harassed him for two weeks, leaving multiple voicemails and even calling me several times, just because she could not stop worrying about the “what if’s” if she let the insurance lapse. The thing is, she had two more weeks before it was due. LOL

My MIL is an extreme example, of course, and a perfect example of what happens when you let your mind rule over your authority. My friend doesn’t do this. She is calm and present in the moment. She is a good example of how to follow her authority. 

What I learned is that I’m very grateful for my G-Center authority. LOL I think the last kind of authority I would want is Splenic. I feel for you guys!! 

Heart (Ego) Authority – this one was covered only slightly. Basically, it is a “yes” or “no” response, also. The warning the facilitators gave is to be very careful of what you commit to because those with Ego authority will feel compelled to follow it through to the end. If they don’t, they will really feel split within. I think the facilitator described the feeling as if a limb were being pulled off his body. lol That’s sounds really awful actually. Someone with an open heart, on the other hand, may make too many commitments and then find out they can’t follow through to the end. They eagerly say ‘yes’ only to discover they don’t want to anymore or just can’t. I have a completely open heart center and I have to say I rarely if ever do this. I usually tell people, “I don’t know. I have to see how I feel when the times comes” when asked to do things. If I do commit, I don’t have an issue pulling out and I rarely feel guilty for doing that. I use to when younger, but not anymore. 

G-Center (Self-Projected )Authority – We never got to this authority in the meeting. This is my authority, though, so I will share what I know and my experience of it. This is ONLY a Projector authority. You won’t have it with any of the other aura types. It is also very rare. My struggle with this authority is that I don’t necessarily know what I want or what makes me happy, so following that usually doesn’t work for me. I have to ask myself how a decision makes me feel. I have learned that if I feel nothing, then it is a neutral result, so I just need to decide if I want to spend energy on whatever it is. Will their be a benefit from it? If not, I don’t do it usually. The thing about this authority is that the BIG life decision are obvious but the little ones are not – at all. And big decisions are rare, like once every 7 years – or more! When a big decision comes along, it feel literally moved toward action in one direction. It’s not something I can resist. The smaller decisions are what G-authorities get stuck on the most (as do I). It can be hard to know what to do or not do at times and usually I do…nothing. It can be frustrating but that is, I’ve found, what works best. I spent way too many years saying yes to things that didn’t appeal to me. I now know that if I don’t like it and my immediately response is “no”, to not do it. Period. The speaking the truth is also an indicator. I often don’t soundboard like is suggested but I literally hear the answer in my mind/body if I don’t speak it, which is the same.

IDK if other G-Centers have this experience, but for me, my HS speaks directly to me. I hear a voice, sometimes audibly, but most times it just “arrives” as if my own thought, out of the blue. It teaches me. It guides me. It gives me info. If you have been following this blog for any length of time, you understand some of it. It is unique, that is for sure. It often tells me my own future, shows me glimpses of it even, and it comes to pass later after I’ve forgotten and I have an OMG moment. It is always surprising me. It never gets old.

Environment (Outer) Authority – This is the authority of a Mental Projector. I don’t know much more than the image indicates here. It is very similar to G-Centered in that speaking to others (soundboard) is helpful but there is a time condition to this in that you speak with others over time to get clarity. The main point of this authority is that you look out into the environment to get your answer. You use others to help get clarity by listening to what you say to them.

Lunar (Moon) Authority – Reflector only authority. This one is pretty self-explanatory. You wait 28 days before making a decision. Sound-boarding is good for this authority, also. I like that this one has a time stamp. I wish mine did!

References:

Bunnell, Lynda and Ra Uru Hu. (2011). The definitive book of human design. Carlsbad, CA. HDC Publishing.

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Living Your Design Class Reflections

I signed up for the Living Your Design (LYD) class through the person who I received my HD Foundation reading from. She is partnered with another Projector and they teach the intro classes together. I finished it quite quickly because it was mostly review for me. This weekend (tomorrow) is the live Zoom to go over the course content, ask questions and review charts. I plan on attending it but don’t need the review. I’m mostly interested in the question and answer section and chart reviews of participants.

So far, the most interesting tidbit of info that I learned is that Manifestors are not non-energy types as I thought but in fact an energy type like Generators. There are four motors (energy) centers – the solar plexus, the sacral, the root and the heart (see image below). What makes a Manifestor is there is a direct line between the throat and a motor but no sacral definition. Additionally, there are Projectors like this – they have a defined motor and so have a source of energy they can pull from. No Projector will have a defined sacral but there will be those who do have one or more of the other motors defined. Honestly, I don’t think Projectors with a motor should be called that but instead put into their own group, kinda like Manifesting Generators are a subgroup of Generators. This isn’t how it is, though, so maybe I will ask why.

The questions this brings up for me are related to how these types feel energetically. How can I tell via their energy what aura type they are? Similarly, how does the energy of Manifestors and Reflectors feel (or as my teachers says “taste”)? And then, how does this affect the dynamics of the relationship? Will I get along better or worse with Manifestors than Generators? Mostly I just want to know their experience with these energy types. How does the energy feel/taste? How have the dynamics differed?

These questions mostly arise from new data I’ve collected on the people around me. I recently mentioned that I discovered my MIL is a Splenic Projector with a 5/1 profile. Honestly, my MIL drives me crazy and I tend to not like her in general. She is very indecisive and manipulative. She guilt trips her sons into giving her money and can be very passive aggressive. I realize this is her not-self but still it is quite aggravating. Knowing she is a Projector has helped me understand her better, but energetically, I had no idea what energy type she was until I did her chart. Her energy feels chaotic to me most of the time. Yet her typical behavior patterns scream that she is a Projector who is struggling to be a Generator.

I am much better at figuring out someone’s profile type than I am their energy type so far. For example, I recently had a discussion with my SIL about HD and mentioned that I suspected her husband was a 2/4 Generator. I based my hypothesis on observed behavior more than how his energy felt. Sure enough, when I did his chart he is a 2/4 Emotional Generator. BINGO!

However, I was shocked to discover that both my SIL and other BIL are Manifestors!! WTF? I had no idea. Their energy felt like Generator energy to me. I don’t have birth time yet for either of them but no matter what time I entered for them both, Manifestor was the result. My SIL is a 6/2 (or 6/3) Splenic Manifestor and my BIL is a 4/6 Emotional Manifestor. To think I’ve been around two Manifestors this whole time and had no idea has me second guessing my ability to read energy. Ha!

When I spoke with my SIL about typical traits of a Manifestor, she identified with them 100%. I haven’t spoken to my BIL about any of it.

My experiences with both of them is consistent with how a Manifestor aura can make someone feel – repelled, cautious, suspicious. I always feel the need to keep my distance from them both and feel especially repelled by my BIL. My SIL is much more approachable. There is a sense of “IDK what to think” when I’m around them. I have to wait for them to be open to me and then I feel better around them. Turns out, Manifestors basically send out an energetic invitation that Projectors can sense that gives them permission to penetrate their energy. Otherwise, Projectors are locked out – and so is everyone else. As a Projector, to not be able to read the energy ends up leaving me feeling effectively and completely “blocked”.

So I am curious as to whether my experiences with Manifestor auras matches the experience of other Projectors. We will see.

The 5/1 Profile Type

As I discover the profile and aura types of the people around me, I am discovering many 5/1 profile types. I already mentioned my MIL, but my boss is also one – 5/1 Emotional Manifesting Generator. Unlike my MIL, I tend to get along pretty well with my boss. She is very knowledgeable about her work/job and so I tend to take on the role of student with her because I’ve found her knowledgeable advice accurate and sensible. She has a very powerful aura, at least to me, that seems to push me into a kind of submission when around her. It’s not that I feel forced or anything, it is just that I sense this is how I need to be around her. I don’t talk as much. I listen. I don’t feel from her any mysteriousness, really, which is what I’ve read of 5th lines. My teacher is a 5/1 Mental Projector and she calls herself a “talking head”, or a “horn”. So, with that in mind, it makes sense that my boss would take on a kind of dominating role over me when sharing her knowledge – that’s what she is here to do! And when I let her do this, I can tell she is in her “zone” and happier for it.

Interestingly, I had a dream not long ago about an ex-boyfriend of mine. I have not dreamed of him in years! Yet I spent an entire night talking to him and when I woke up I recognized him and wondered why he was in my dream. Immediately I thought, “I wonder what his HD profile and energy type is?” Unfortunately, I couldn’t remember his birthdate. I could only remember he was born in September (Virgo) and he was 6 years older than me. Not enough info to do his chart.

Two days later, on a whim and not really even thinking of him beforehand, I did a quick Google search to see if any new info came up. Years ago, after having a dream of him, I couldn’t find anything on him. Nada. It was like he had vanished. This time, however, he came up straight away – a picture, a video, and even his birthdate!

So, knowing enough about his birth data, I created his chart. I don’t have his birth time, but again, it is pretty obvious what his energy and profile type are. He is a 5/1 Emotional Generator. So I have dated a 5/1!!

In comparing my experiences with other 5/1’s, I now know my tendency is to listen attentively and let them talk (and talk they do!). With my ex, I remember just sitting quietly as he spewed nastiness about this person or that thing. It’s not that he was a negative person, really, but he was very frustrated (his not-self) by people and conditions in his life and I instinctively allowed him to talk on and on about it without interjecting or offering advice. I wasn’t necessarily feeling as if I was learning from him, and thinking back on those times, the me now would have called him on it. Yet the me then did no such thing.

I find it interesting that I sit quietly and listen to my boss in the same way. I don’t have any judgements or criticisms, I just listen. If you know me at all, you would know I don’t sit quietly very often. lol Perhaps it is just something about the 5/1 that causes me to step aside and let them be the “talking head” they are here to be? Honestly, it is a very automatic thing for me and I don’t mind at all. The dynamics play out well usually, except that with my ex, he cheated on me. But I know now that it was meant to play out that way. I was not in a position to give him the attention he desired and craved. I don’t think I would have ever satisfied his hunger.

As for the mysteriousness of the 5th line, I am not sure it was there with my ex and I don’t feel it with my boss or MIL. This could be that I am not trying to figure them out, and I’m not really. I’m not trying because I don’t have a reason to. I don’t live with or interact with them daily. When I was in my twenties and dating my ex, I don’t recall caring much about why he was the way he was. I just accepted him, warts and all. He didn’t seem mysterious, he seemed unhappy in general with his life and circumstances, and I didn’t mind that he was this way. In many ways, when I was in my twenties, I just felt to be “along for the ride” in my life and relationships. Now I know this is normal for a 6th line because 6th lines live the first part of their life as 3rd lines. 🙂

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My Grandparents Were Non-Energy Types!

Recently, my daughter has become curious about her ancestry. She got an app on her phone and, to my surprise, has been able to fill out her family tree back a few generations on both sides! She showed me that she found my maternal grandparents, asking if the info looked correct, and it did! Someone on my maternal grandmother’s side of the family had done a family tree for many generations back, all the way to before they immigrated to the U.S. My maternal grandfather’s side is not near as complete and my paternal side is almost non-existent.

What was surprising is the amount of documentation provided on this app. They had birth, marriage and death certificates, census information, even draft cards! To see my father’s draft card was fascinating, especially seeing his signature. It has been a long time since I’ve seen it.

When I saw my grandparent’s birth certificates, I immediately wrote down the information to create Human Design charts for both of them. Unfortunately, my grandmother’s birth certificate did not have a time of birth. 😦

To my surprise, I discovered my grandfather was a 4/6 Splenic Projector! Here is his chart:

I always felt a strong connection with my grandfather. While others in the family had various, negative emotional reactions to him, I could see his true self and knew he was not what others assumed he was. He could come across as mean, grumpy, and domineering. His guard was almost always up and he seemed to push people away at times, especially if he was tired or not feeling “in the mood”. He didn’t want to be told what to do. He did his own thing.

My mother and aunt have both expressed to me how their memory of their father is not the greatest. My aunt completely distanced herself from him as she got older. She found him unsupportive, mean, unloving and cruel. My mother also mentioned some things that made her feel this way. Mostly, they both mentioned that he devalued them because they were female, saying cruel things like, “I’m not going to waste money on a woman”. He most definitely was influenced by his generation’s biases!

My experiences with my grandfather were that, yes, at times he was not very nice. For example, I have a couple of vivid memories of him being this way. He use to raise rabbits to eat and one day he killed one right in front of me – hit it on the head with a hammer. I cried and ran away. That night at dinner we had “chicken” but as I was taking a bite he said, “How does Thumper taste?” OMG I was horrified! He laughed heartily.

Another time, when I was with him while he was working on a project, a tiny Kangaroo mouse came running out from under the house. He said, “Oh look! A cute mouse!” and pointed it out to me. He knew I loved animals of all kinds. Then, without warning, he smashed it with his boot. When I cried out, “Why did you do that?” He laughed and said it was a nuisance and he needed to get rid of it. Thankfully, it didn’t suffer, but still, not nice!

Yet, most of my memories are of his kinder side. For example, and in contrast to the two examples above, he found a nest of baby squirrels in his barn one day. Instead of killing them, he called my sisters and me to the barn and gave each of us one to raise. He did this because he had done similar things as a child. My two sisters and I were thrilled and did raise them. What fun pets!

Other fond memories I had were of him taking us fishing. I love to fish because of him even if he did distance himself from me because I “made too much noise” and could scare the fish. lol

I remember him always working on the farm (they had 52 acres), fishing and hunting. In his 50’s he built an underground house which still stands today. He designed it and everything and it is absolutely amazing! Completely underground except for the front door and two windows. He was also very active in the church. He was considered an elder and others looked up to him and admired him.

Though I would have never thought him a Projector, now that I know, it is obvious that he was. He was living as if he were a Generator, like most Projectors tend to do. Go, go, go and then….crash. He was grumpy and mean because he was bitter and that was how it manifested for him (and me, too). When not in a good mood, he could infect everyone with his nasty vibes (me, too). When in a good mood, he made the entire space light up. All he wanted to do was be a good provider for his family, yet he struggled to make ends meet. I am sure he had much negative self-talk about his ability to make money and provide throughout his life.

My biggest memory of him inside the home was of always wanting to be left alone. He would sometimes lock himself in his bedroom to do this but other times I knew better than to disturb him or else get a nasty talking to. We kids knew to just leave him alone and we did, most of the time.

In his old age his true self began to shine through and I saw the man I knew was inside all along. The more I heard his daughters say negative things about him, the more I defended him and explained to them how I saw him. My version was just not real to them, but that is okay and I told them so. I saw a man with a huge heart who sacrificed so much for his family. In the end, he showed his feelings more readily, even crying without hiding. I gave him lots of hugs and kisses to make sure he knew how much I loved him.

After he passed he would often visit my dreams and I had many OBE’s where he was present. The last time I saw him in a dream was very recently. He appeared in a different form from his last life – Asian. He told me that he planned to “get it right this time” and was going to be in the military again but this time as an Asian, whom he despised in this life (lol WWII vet). He was very optimistic and explained how he had felt like a failure much of his life. From what I remember, he chose to be very smart and determined in his new life. In contrast, this life he only had a GED because he never did well in school. He joined the Navy and was a nurse’s assistant while serving his time.

As for my grandmother, with no birth time, it is hard to know what aura type she was. I put in various birth times and came up with two profile types – 5/1 and 4/1. The most common aura type is emotional Projector, followed by emotional Manifestor and emotional Manifesting Generator. Only one of these is 4/1, the rest are all 5/1’s.

Here are two charts that I saved because they felt most like her:

The things that stand out to me about my grandmother are that she was very passive compared to my grandfather. I always thought this was generational (Great Depression Era). I was always more cautious around my grandmother. My grandmother was a big gossip and with her passiveness was this sense that she wanted to be in control. I have never met a Manifestor but I suspect she may have been that since her energy made me cautious. What she displayed didn’t match what I felt from her. I didn’t trust her but I did love her. I never saw them fight or my grandma get mad, though. She was just quiet and subdued. She got cancer in her 40’s but lived to age 89. She sold Avon for a while but was a stay-at-home mom and very involved in the church. You had to be careful what you told her because she tended to gather info and then use it to get what she wanted, especially in her older years.

When I was a kid I didn’t have any issues with her energy, it was just as an adult that I began to feel wary of her. She did begin to display the more negative personality after my grandfather passed. Maybe this was because he was no longer there to support her and provide what she needed?

She was very psychic but sadly was hospitalized for a mental breakdown after she had a psychotic break/split where she would shift into a child personality at times. She was on medication the rest of her life for that. Then she had cancer in his mid-40’s where she was told she would die but miraculously lived a long life.

When I came out as a psychic/medium to my family, my grandmother confided in me that she use to have precognitive dreams and other psychic experiences but she hid them out of fear. Not even my mother, her daughter, knew about it! In her older years she had out-of-body experiences where she would meet up with her husband in the astral (he passed 10 years before her).

After she passed away she came to visit me in Spirit and her personality was evident – happy, energetic, inquisitive, talkative- very different from how I knew her in life but I suspect how she was in youth. My first thought when I was entering her birth data was how she got cancer so early in life. I thought, “Typical Projector burnout.” IDK if the same can happen to Manifestors, though, but probably. It would help if I knew a Manifestor so I could compare how the energy feels. Sigh.

My memories of my grandmother are mostly positive. She loved to cook and because of her I, also, love to cook. She would let me help her in the kitchen, explaining he methods and giving me her “expert” advise and know-how. She also loved to sing and play the piano and guitar (self-taught). When we had family gatherings, we would all gather around the piano and sing.

My interest in gardening was also brought about by my grandmother. She had a HUGE garden and would ask us grandkids to help her plant, tend and harvest it. Because of her, I know how deep to plant certain seeds, how to fertilize, how to layout a garden, what plants do best where, and how to harvest without damaging a plant.

All in all, she was a great demonstration of how someone can be “at peace” in a life (which is the signature of a Manifestor) that is far from peaceful. She was always singing while she worked and her favorite song to sing was, “One Day at a Time”. She lived every day grateful to be alive and made sure we children knew how much of a blessing we were.

Considerations

To think that my grandparents may have both been Projectors, or at least non-energy types, is amazing to me! Here I was thinking that my entire life I have been surrounded by Generating types and this whole time I had two very supportive non-energy types as foundational influences in my life! A HUGE part of my childhood involved my grandparents. I thought of my grandfather as my father more than my biological father. He introduced me to fishing and hunting, taught me to love the outdoors, explore without fear and persevere. My grandmother was someone I could learn from and I eagerly sucked up the information she provided and still use it today. What she taught me turned into the very things that bring me peace in my adult life – singing, cooking, gardening, walking, dreaming, connection with God.

They were married over 50 years. To think of a relationship lasting that long has always been unreal to me, but they did. Perhaps it was because they were both non-energy types? Maybe it is true that being with one’s same energy type is better?

Note: As I was reading what I wrote about my grandparents I became very emotional. It is clear to me now that my grandmother was an Emotional Manifestor. The peace she radiated is still with me. And this whole time I didn’t see it. I felt so disconnected from her in my adult years. I wish that I had paid more attention to her in her golden years. I wish I had sat down with her more, learned from her more. 😦

Here are two pictures of my grandparents. The first is when they were first married. The second is at their 50th anniversary.

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Pause. Love the Now.

Pulled this post off my private journal. It was written on May 28th.

Putting together some messages I’ve received over time. Since they’re repeating it means I’m misinterpreting them somehow. 

This morning on my walk, I was concerned about something that recently happened. My husband booked a flight to Costa Rica without consulting with me first. We were planning to go anyway but he went ahead and bought the tickets – $4700! I hadn’t expected the flight to cost so much, but that wasn’t my main concern. I worry about the trip, going to a foreign country with my kids, then having to get tested for Corona just to get back into the US. There are other worries but mostly I have major discomfort when I do anything out of the norm, or anything that takes me away from the familiar – Hermit tendencies in a nutshell.

As I walked along, a song kept going through my head and the part “come back to the sea” repeated. Then I looked down and saw something in the grass. It was an insert from a cigarette package that said, “Pause. Love the Now.” I picked it up knowing it was a message. When I picked it up, I recalled more song messages, messages I’ve received over the past couple of months.

The first song message – “come back to the sea” seemed to fit the idea of going to Costa Rica. We will be staying on the Pacific ocean with my husband’s half-sister (so my SIL). She has a horse ranch where she does equine therapy. The ranch is located on a peninsula walking distance to the ocean. There are cottages on the land. One is occupied by my SIL and I think there are two more – a one bedroom and two bedroom. We will be staying in the two bedroom cottage.

The other two messages are the same one, just different songs – “Where are you now?” This is a reminder to stay in the present; to not be distracted by the past or the “what if’s” of the future.

Then another song came to mind – “Let it happen.” When I first received this message I thought it was related to the Kundalini and my tendency to resist the energy because of its intensity and the fear it triggers.

Another message, this one repeated by my husband a lot lately, is, “Sometimes you just need to DO it! You can worry about the ‘how’ later.” That message is self explanatory. 🙂

As I looked at the message in my hand, I had an, “Ah ha!” moment. It was like a light bulb went off.

My guides have been trying to tell me to just let life happen. To just flow with life (be in the present moment) and if I do that, I will end up where I need to be. 

It became clear to me that in my resistance I have missed opportunities to be led where I need to be and to the people I need to meet. I overthink things. I resist almost immediately those things brought up for my consideration, usually by my husband. But, as a Projector, it is the Generators in my life who have the energy to get me things or take me places. If I keep turning down their offers, nothing will change. I will remain stuck. All I can do is tell them what I need and allow them to provide the means for me to get there.

For example, this Costa Rica trip has come up previously.  In 2020, my husband suggested I go and stay with his sister and use that time to rest, regenerate and get clear on things. I resisted and since it was during Corona there were just too many stops. A big one was that we couldn’t get passports for the kids at the time and I didn’t want to travel there alone. Recently, he suggested the trip again and, surprisingly, filled out the paperwork for the passports (almost all by himself) for the kids and they arrived last week. He wasted no time buying the tickets. My husband thinks I should stay behind rather than return to the U.S. with them. He tells me to take as much time as I need to get clear, heal, regenerate, etc. He even suggested I try equine therapy. My SIL is on board with this, happy to have family around and eager to share her passion. She has lived in Costa Rica for over two years. She says the location is a “vortex”; very rejuvenating and healing.

I have been resistant to this idea the whole time. Mostly, I am just uncomfortable with all the unknowns. I don’t like traveling very much. I get anxious and worry about the ‘what if’s’. I come up with tons of reasons why we/I shouldn’t do things. I realize now I am just resistant to change of any kind, even if the outcome may be positive. My resistance is born from fear and/or my tendency to withdraw and retreat inward. 

Most recently I’ve been trying to build a cabin at my mom’s. It has been difficult to get the go ahead from anyone. I find resistance from my husband and my mom. My husband always asks, “What’s your goal?” My answer is, “To get away. To get space to find myself.” He responds that he has trouble thinking ahead with my idea of building a cabin. He said, “What are you going to do there? Just sit in it?” lol He suggested, “Just go somewhere. Just do it.” He is willing to let me have space and distance for however long I need. I think I want to be at my mom’s so that I can be close to home, to the familiar. It will keep me closer to my kids, too. Yet, he is probably right that the more distance, the more unfamiliar, the better. If I am too close to home, I will be tempted to go home too soon and at the first sign of discomfort. Also, if I stay on my mom’s land, she inevitably will visit, probably daily. I love my mom and enjoy spending time with her, but her influence would go against my goal of getting space and distance from the intentions and influences of others. My mom especially would like to see me and my husband stay together. I tend to easily be pressured by her desires of me, also.

And who knows what or how the Universe will provide? I have fallen victim to the trap of thinking I have control. Ha! 

Then there is the fact that by my design, I am meant to “go with the flow”, easily let go and follow my Higher Self. I have not been going with the flow! I think of what I want – good – but then I think I have control of how I get it. I don’t let the Universe step in and provide it because I keep getting in the way! 

I am reminded of when I decided to return to work. I listed what I wanted in my new job and then felt a need to ask my husband to help me. Within a week I had the job I have now – a perfect fit! I stepped aside and let the Universe show me the way and it worked – fast. 

I don’t know what is best for me, even though I think I do. Sometimes what I want is not what I need. I may end up in Costa Rica and feel I don’t want/need to stay behind on my own. Or I could love it and desire more time. I don’t know how I will feel when I get there. If I am operating from a place of resistance, it most definitely will leave me confused and unbalanced.

From Today

We leave for Costa Rica on the 18th of June and return on the 27th. Costa Rica doesn’t require a Covid test to enter, which is nice, but they do require us to buy health insurance. This cost us $250. We have to stay in a hotel the night of our arrival and the day before our departure because of the departure time of our flights. We also have to rent a car while we are there because the ranch is about a 5 hour drive from San Jose. For some reason there were not many options for day/times when my husband booked our airfare. We suspect the airlines have consolidated flights and hiked fares.

To return to the U.S. everyone has to have a negative Covid test taken within three days of the return flight. The health insurance we purchased should take care of the cost, but the test is unpleasant. Yuck. And no, even if we all get vaccinated, proof of a negative Covid test result is still required.

Once we get to the ranch there is no charge for our accommodations and my SIL will act as our guide. I have no idea what we will do while we are there. I prefer to just see the country and enjoy nature, but knowing my husband there will be activities every day.

I did my SIL’s HD chart to check out her energy and profile type. She is a 4/1 (very rare, 2% of population) Emotional Manifesting Generator. I researched it a bit and then sent her a summary of what I discovered during my brief research. Turns out, she has a Juxtaposition cross, which is rare in itself. She isn’t here to make karma nor to resolve it. She has her own path and others can/will get pulled onto her path, but she won’t get pulled onto others’ paths.

Here is part of what I wrote to her about her profile type:

You are designed to study and immerse yourself in something you love and then influence others with your knowledge base. Once you have studied enough to build a foundation, you use your communication and personal skills to share your knowledge of that subject with your network. Your quality of life is deeply dependent upon the quality of your network. You need your network to effectively externalize your knowledge base. Even though you are fixed like an oak tree you are also vulnerable. You are so fixed you can be broken and the pieces can be hard to put back together. In order to stay steady on your path it is important for you to stay exactly who you are and not change for anyone else. Others need to adapt to you, not the other way around. 

Relationships – 4/1’s cannot be in a relationship where they are resisted or there is lack of trust or loyalty. 4/1’s will be the most loyal and generous of friends if they have trust, loyalty and pure transparency from the other.

Knowing this is helpful for me, especially if I decide to stay. I prefer to be around other Projectors but if I am going to be around a Generating type, I prefer one with emotional authority, probably because that is my mom’s authority and I am use to it.

I don’t know what will happen with this trip. Will I stay or will I return? All I know is that my Authority (Higher Self) is nudging me to get away for a while. I need to do this. When I had my HD Foundation Reading, I said this more than once and there was an energy behind my words that moved me within. There’s no denying the truth of it, then. The how of it was not part of what I vocalized, but then that isn’t surprising. So, I have to allow the Universe to provide me with the right environment and space. Is it Costa Rica? Maybe.

Thankfully, I have the support of my husband and others, so if I decide to stay it will be O.K. I will be taking my laptop with me so that, if I have to, I can work while abroad. Thankfully, my job is almost 100% remote so as long as I have a computer and internet I can work. The only issue is when I have to pay the company bills. I have to physically put the checks in a printer, etc., but my husband is willing to do that part of my job so I don’t have to worry about it. The cool thing is my job pays more than enough to provide for whatever I need while I’m there. The cost of living in Costa Rica is very, very affordable. I can live very well on less than $1500/month. 🙂

Part of me is ready and willing to be gone a good six months. Part of me is terrified about what that may mean. Will my world come tumbling down around me? Would my staying lead to major shifts in not only my world, by my husband’s?

Funny enough, I mentioned that I knew things would crumble down around me in my reading but I added, “It’s not my world anyway. It’s his [my husband’s].” Bingo.

One last thing – yesterday morning I woke up with a song on my mind: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. Not exactly sure why or if it means anything. I did notice it was written the same year my SIL was born – 1966. 🙂 Wanted to put it here just for the fun of it.