A recent situation in my life has brought me some much needed clarity. My understanding in the end is that a huge part of my journey is understanding that I must first see myself and only then can I be true to myself.

In summary, a group I have long been associated with via my husband, has rejected me (again). In this particular situation, my husband was the one pushing me to “try again”. I’ve had great success in the past using the methods of this group to gain clarity and make progress energetically and spiritually. However, there came a time when they refused me their services unless I followed their specific route. Their way did not align with my way, so I refused, and have been “stuck” in terms of that path ever since. So, when my husband and SIL began to push for the group to make an exception, I didn’t refuse their help because if I could get more assistance via their methods I knew it would be very helpful. I told my husband to go ahead and try but I didn’t think it would work out. I had a strong Knowing, in fact.

In the end, the group did nothing different than before and the cycle is now “dead”

The whole incident had me thinking of groups and how, no matter what group I am a part of, I end up feeling like I don’t belong. I’m just not a follower nor am I someone who enjoys groups. I am a leader but then my design makes me one of those leaders people won’t follow, at least not groups of people, because my reasons for what I do is “just because I Know” and most people want logical reasons. I don’t work like that. However, I remember listening to a Ra video where he said of all the people who he would follow it would be the person with the 1-8 channel, like me, because THEY KNOW. We do our own thing and it is correct. People follow the others but eventually they see our path was the right one but it is too late, they fell off the cliff following the other “logical” fellow. Ha!

So it is no wonder I don’t fit into this particular “group”. I am only bitter because, as usual, they don’t see that my Knowing is correct for me and keep trying to force their more logical path on me. They resent my independent nature, look down upon me, judge me for being true to my own path. I know my path is correct. I don’t have real reasons for this, but I will give you some to make you feel better. lol However, those reasons will never be enough for others. They will still think their path is better. It might be – for them. For me it doesn’t fit and so I go my own way. It really rubs them the wrong way when they hear I have the abilities I have, abilities they are all trying to get but haven’t found, when I haven’t done it their way. They think I am not truthful or that I am elaborating or something. It is a no win situation for me if I seek approval or validation from them. It won’t be coming. EVER. Not unless I pretend to believe their path is correct for me, which I can’t do for long. I do not have a poker face. lol It (the pretense) always falls down in a pile of bitterness at my feet and they look at me, shocked and full of judgment.

It is very true for me that the only approval and validation I will ever get is by being true to myself. The approval will either come from within, where I feel that little spark that says, “Yes! This is correct!” or it will come from a rare few who are in awe of me but I won’t understand why. The fact is, I don’t care about what the group thinks or says, not really. If I lead myself to believe this, I get hurt – bad. This not-self behavior was conditioned into me from an early age and is part of all my undefined centers. People just can’t swallow that I don’t care – truly – what the group or others think. It makes them want to label me as anti-social, selfish, narcissistic, etc. I’ve become very good at pretending in an attempt to make others feel more comfortable around me. It is a lie for the most part. I will always be the black sheep in a group setting.

My husband hates that I don’t care what he or others think. He cares very much (but his design says he is more similar to me). He cares a lot about what the group thinks and works very hard to be part of it. He fights with himself. I see the constant internal struggle. He wants to be like me, to not care and “go his own way” and will blow up at the group on occasion, but generally he plays along, convinced he needs to be an accepted part of the group. I think he is with me to live vicariously through me because he lacks courage to really be himself. He tells me this often in various ways. He values my independence and my ability to stand alone despite others riling against me.

I think my path now is to recognize and embrace these things about myself while tossing the lingering resentment that has come from a lifetime of trying to fit in and never achieving it. It has come with some nasty lessons. So often I feel bad when I am true to myself because someone seems to always get their feelings hurt. They can’t understand why I am so “cold” and seemingly “uncaring”. It isn’t that I don’t care, it is that I don’t have the energy to pretend to go along with whatever drama they are playing out. I can see past their present into the future and know that their dramatic reaction is unnecessary. But they never think to ask me to share my wisdom. They are caught up in the present, unable to see me through their judgment and whatever high emotion they are moving through.

One of the hardest things for me is to observe but not be asked what I see, nor does anyone even notice I am there most of the time. It is like I have noticed many times over this lifetime. I feel like I am standing in the eye of the hurricane, watching everyone circulate through chaos around me but not being able to do or say anything to change it. It isn’t that I don’t experience the chaos, either, I do. It is more that I am able to step in and out of it at will. In the past I thought it out of my control, but really it isn’t . The older I get, the more I recognize this gift I have.

It is no wonder I am retreating into hermit mode. I will probably be there the rest of my life. No more seeking out groups to be rejected because I want so badly to be invited to share my wisdom. It is pointless. Trying to force that to happen is just asking for a negative experience. So, it is best to just enjoy my solitude and let some passerby notice me and call me out. It is a one in a million chance, too, because there are so few designed to truly SEE me. I just have to have faith that the right ones will be led my way. In the meantime, I will just dance to the beat of my own drum inside my hermitage.

For those not familiar with my Human Design chart, here it is. Maybe it will give you insight into me and so understand all I wrote above: