I’ve been really tired lately. My sleep is deep and most of my dreams are lost upon waking or, if I do recall them, I don’t care to bother to look into the symbolism or messages they bring. My motivation to exercise is low as well, though I am still following my schedule and doing what needs to be done. All of the above is partly because my kids are home for the Thanksgiving holiday and each day leading up to Thanksgiving we have appointments and plans. For example, Monday was an appointment for our puppy Monty. Today is an appointment for me to get my retainers. Tomorrow is an eye appointment for my son. Additionally, my brother has been staying with us since Sunday night.

Anomalies

Like I mentioned, sleep has been deep with few dreams; however, I have been having some odd occurrences. Two nights ago I had the sensation of dematerializing  – kinda like leaving this physical life behind but not quite. It was a smooth, calm exit and with it was a feeling of nothingness – no memory, no lifetime, no attachments, no connections. It was like I disappeared but in my place was just Being. Unfortunately within a split second of this experience I became suddenly aware of this life, body and everything as if I was grasping for it, desperate to remain. I came into awareness suddenly and freaked out, thinking I had been in the process of dying. My guidance had to say to me over and over, “It’s okay. It’s okay.” It took me a bit to get myself together. I am still not sure what happened. Maybe I was going OOB and instead of my consciousness going into my astral body, like is usual, it remained in my physical body? Or maybe it was Oblivion?

Another thing that I’ve been noticing is that during my runs lately I often have a feeling of drifting off, like as I am running I am falling asleep. It is not a tired feeling, though. It’s as if I am being hypnotized by my run – going in a semi-trance. I’ve not had this experience in a long while. In the past it was cool. Now, not so much. Yesterday was especially strange because I had the trance-like feeling and also had an instance of feeling very light-headed and faint. Of course I panicked. Today’s run there was no issue but I did think as I ran, “Maybe it is this trance music I am listening to?” LOL Probably!

Finally, yesterday, while shopping alone (yay!) I found it hard to concentrate or focus on what I was doing. I walked down isles zoned out. And if I stopped to contemplate upon the state I was in, a sadness would wash over me along with a strong apathy. I often paused and just stared and there were moments when I felt something was physically wrong with me. The whole time I had a slight headache and I swear my heart fluttered in my chest more than once.

Dream: 444

This morning I had an odd dream that, unlike my other dreams, has lingered in my memory. It began with my being in a house and watching as the others in the house all got into their separate cars and left. I followed, not sure of where I was or what I was doing. I looked at the clock on the dash of my car and it was 4:44. I assumed everyone was heading off for dinner but then I began to panic because I thought for sure it was morning but then it couldn’t be, it had to be evening. Yet I could not recall that morning! I stopped and returned to the house confused. A woman saw and turned around and followed me in. She seemed to be concerned for me.

Inside the house I sat down at a table in a daze. A couple of other women were there who knew me and asked how I was. I asked them, “Have I been asleep all this time? Did I sleep through the day?” They confirmed that I had. The women were “special”, they could “see” things and they told me I was unique, too, but in a different way. They asked me about what I could “see”. Specifically they asked about an experience I had that they had heard about.

The experience was that I had a telepathic link to a man in our group. In my memory he is blurry. All I can make out is dark, maybe black, hair. He and I had a connection the others didn’t. I had been asked to help in determining what was wrong with a heart. The heart had a growth on it that looked like a calcified cone. I was asked to use my medical sight to see into the body and determine the cause. When I attempted to look at the heart I looked at the man I had the connection with and fell into a vision of seeing him sitting on a toilet inside a bathroom stall. He appeared to be a mixture of a full grown man and a young boy.  My vision was blurred as if I was looking through water and I could see it rippling all around him kind of like the mirage one sees over the top of asphalt when it’s really hot. The man shifted and looked older and then I was able to see each of his bodily systems one by one. My most vivid memory is of the circulatory system. I could see every single vein and artery.

When I returned from the vision I was excited and shared what I saw with the man who now appeared old yet at the same time my own age. I told him that I knew what the issue was: a cyst. I excitedly told him about seeing all his body systems, reliving the experience as I talked.

Then I was back talking to the two women. They asked me some more questions, questions about the nature of my experiences on this planet. One said, “There are two different kinds of experiencers – those that return to the planet over and over and those who don’t. Which one are you?” While she spoke, I saw in my mind the two groups. The first group never left the energy of Earth but cycled back over and over again. The other came “down” and then, after a lifetime, would return from whence they came. I knew that I was one of the first group. It did not feel like a punishment but a choice, like I had dedicated myself to the planet.

She further questioned me on my abilities. How was I different from everyone else? I drew a picture for her. The picture looked like this:

I remember thinking of the top and bottom squiggly lines being like the “roots of a tree”. I was very excited when I drew it. The center egg-shaped portion was obviously my aura or human energy field.

Sadness

When I woke from this dream I was sad. My guide was close and I swear he said to me, “You are dying.” I have heard this before and now I don’t even question it nor do I care if it is literal or figurative. The feeling that came with his words said it all anyway. An all-over-body sadness hit me and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep, to drift into a sea of nothingness; to enter Oblivion.

How long am I going to be stuck in this in-between? In-between in this instance does not mean in-between worlds like my blog title. No, it means in-between living and dying. It’s this space that never ends, like a chasm between what once was and what could be if I only reached for it. I don’t feel like myself anymore but then I don’t know who I am or even who I would like to be anymore. I can push the feeling away by immersing myself in life but the minute I am alone, the minute I stop to catch my breath, the feeling returns. It is a heart-wrenching agony, a homesickness, a heartsickness, a longing that just never goes away. And I don’t know what to do about it. I’m not sure there is anything I can do.