Tag Archives: blogging

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Breaking the Cycle

It has become clear to me over the past few days that I am the only thing that stands between myself and everything I have ever wanted. I have been the one who has caused all the pain and misery, discomfort and disharmony in my life. It is not what others have done to me, it is what I have done to me. It is the pain I have directed outward and inward. Everything I do to others I also do to myself. Each critical remark, each bitter comment and judgment slashes away at my inner beauty, marring it with ugliness and spite.

I have wandered blindly through life after life on this planet, unable to hear my own voice through the muddle of thoughts and the unsettling emotions that rise with them. I have used my mind to view life. I have used words to define my reality. I have ignored my heart and in that I have ignored myself.

Music

I sit here listening to the most beautiful angelic voices singing in a language I do not understand and I feel calmed. It is not an internal music, but merely the local classical music station. I have added music back into my life. I realized just how much I missed it.

Music, like many of the pleasures I have denied myself this lifetime, is probably the most uplifting of those things in life that we have access to. Music brings our vibration up. It allows us to remember ourselves and that is very precious. We should all listen to music as often as we can and sing it even more often. Singing itself raises our vibration and allows us to flow out of our hearts. Try it. Sing and let yourself get carried away. You will feel an energy in your heart and you will fill with joy. That is what music is: joy. That is also what we are.

With music we Remember.

I am Listening – Breaking the Cycle

I have made a conscious decision to listen, to view life from my heart rather than from my mind. It will take some time, some learning, to do this, but I know I can do it.

The more I tune into my heart, the more I realize I need to make some changes in my life. Just this morning I awoke from the deepest slumber I have had since this past Spring. Upon waking I heard, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. I am very familiar with this quote by Albert Einstein. And I knew that I needed to listen to the changes my Higher Self was encouraging me to make. I had been ignoring the messages, hoping I would not have to change but the very act of ignoring them distances me from myself and made me that much more deaf.

Some changes are easy, some are not. I listed them a while back but it is just now that I am doing them.

The main change I am being asked to make is to stop my workout routine. I have been asked to decrease my cardio activity to only walking and doing yoga. I am to stop lifting weights and doing the interval training and circuits I do three times a week. When I ask why, it is explained to me that I have been focusing too much on my physical body, its shape and appearance. What I need to do is focus upon balancing my energy, calming my mind and increasing my connection to my Higher Self. Walking and yoga will help me achieve this as will any exercise that brings me closer to nature.

Another change I am being asked to make is to open up to my spiritual gifts once again. It is not that I am being asked to jump head first back into readings, but rather to allow myself to be drawn to those in need and to ask of them, “What can I do to help you?” All I can do is follow the feeling and then present myself to them with open arms. It is up to them if they will accept my offer of help. I have already been drawn in this way to another. It was quite a surprise to me and I did not hesitate to offer my help. I am told this will continue to occur. If I listen then I will find much satisfaction in doing the service I am here to do. It is that simple.

Music, art and other creative outlets are also an area I am asked to bring back into my life. There has been imbalance in my life because I have not allowed myself to create. We by nature create, manifest, all the time. To limit this in ourselves is to snuff out our flame, to make life dark and suppressive. Each day I have been asked to sing, listen to music, or both. I have also been asked to find other outlets that will help me express what I feel, who I am. I have chosen painting because I have always wanted to be able to paint what I see behind my eyelids when I sleep, travel OOB or when I meet my Higher Self. My husband is a great artist and musician. I have asked him to help me paint what I have seen. I believe together we can create amazing art that expresses so much more than words ever could.

Here is one of my husbands’ works of art. He painted this from a photo of me and my daughter. He is very good at painting and drawing the human form.

baby

Cuddle Time, oil on canvas, 2008.

I have been asked also to meditate and do yoga daily. This includes self-healing, using essential oils to help with grounding and balancing my chakras, and learning to live through my heart. Each day I am asked to do something different when it comes to meditation and yoga. For example, I am led to read certain books which send me in the direction I need to go at that particular time. Most recently I have been led to read a book on chakras which taught me a tapping technique to help with physical discomfort and imbalance in my body. For the past two nights I have integrated the tapping with my meditation and self-healing and have noticed results, especially with the tension and discomfort in my physical body. Each day I am also led to do a different yoga video. Just last night I did a Kundalini/Hatha blend yoga for 42 minutes. So far, Kundalini and Hatha yoga are the two types I am most drawn to.

Finally, I am being asked to be more aware of what I eat and put into my body. Specifically, (and I am embarrassed to say) I am being asked to stop smoking in the evening. I have done this for as long as I can remember since awakening to my spiritual gifts. At first it was to help with the anxiety I experienced and then it just became something I did for myself since it seemed like so much of my day was spent doing things for others. I stopped many times, every time I was pregnant and for many years at a time. I was able to easily quit whenever I wanted. I know I can stop anytime as this is not a physical addition, it is a mental one. I am having the most difficulty stopping this particular bad habit. I do not smoke much – one to two cigarettes a night. Yet I am told this is too much and that it will interfere with my transformation. As long as I continue to do it, the progress will slow and eventually stop. So I will be quitting. I am told it will be today. lol I guess it is then.

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Self-Healing

Yesterday was a day of healing for me. I started by using my pendulum to double check my intuition that said that more than just the second chakra was blocked. I discovered that my second and crown chakras were completely blocked and my root, third and fourth chakras partially blocked. My third chakra was blocked initially but within seconds the crystal of the pendulum encouraged it to open. The same occurred with the root. My heart chakra was open right off but was sluggish, suggesting the energy there was in the process of clearing. I was not surprised that my throat and third eye were open but it did surprise me just how wide open my third eye was. The pendulum flew in a clockwise direction so wide that it could not go any wider. This told me that my third eye was too open.

I was able to open my crown chakra very quickly. I rubbed some Frankincense into the top of my head, sat cross legged and chanted Nng while visualizing it opening. After doing this for just a few minutes I stopped and focused on my second chakra. I put Citrus Bliss oil on my sacral plexus, chanted Vam and visualized it opening. While I was doing this, I felt an intense energy in my crown and knew it had opened and my efforts were successful. Unfortunately, my second chakra was not budging no matter how much I visualized and chanted.

I spent most of the afternoon working on my blocked second chakra – doing yoga, chanting the mantra and meditating to encourage it to open. I never was able to feel the energy move despite my best efforts. However my efforts were not totally wasted. Around 7pm CST, when my husband left with all three of my children in tow, I finally had the house to myself. I felt restless and kept walking around in a circle in the kitchen thinking again about the mantras I had been chanting and feeling there was something I was missing. I tried putting a tone with each mantra, singing up the scale like I use to do when I was a music student in college. Something about feeling the sound vibrate in my throat made me think I should sing so I began to sing an old hymnal I use to sing growing up in church. It is called, As the Deer and I always loved singing that song.

Almost as soon as I started singing emotion began to well up from within me and I got so choked up that I could not get the words to come out. My mind was flooded with memories, images of me singing in church with my family and hearing the harmony flood my ears and heart as I sang. The same feeling filled my heart and it seemed as if my family in Spirit surrounded me with love. You can imagine how overwhelmed I felt at this and many times had to stop walking and hold onto something.

I continued to sing because I knew, the only way out was through. It was obvious to me that my blocked chakras were opening and that this was a necessary part of the clearing process.

One by one, memories came to me. Times in my life when I did things I enjoyed. Singing was first, followed by fishing, gardening, sewing, painting, etc. And one by one I remembered how each of those things I stopped doing for one reason or another. Always there was an excuse that kept me from doing them. I stopped singing because I couldn’t be the best at it and if I wasn’t going to be the best, what was the point? Fishing because I had grown up and moved away and it was always inconvenient to do. Gardening because I now had three children and no garden and it would be too hard so why bother? Sewing again because I had three children and painting as well. With each lost pleasure I listened to the excuses and ignored my heart.

I realized that I had taken from myself everything that I enjoyed in life. No wonder I was not enjoying life.

I did it. I did it all to myself and trapped myself, backed myself into this corner of misery.

This realization stopped me in my tracks and I knew that this was just the tip of the iceberg. The second chakra is about pleasure; enjoyment of life. There were/are so many things in life that brought/bring me pleasure. It is so simple really the solution – start doing them again. Stop listening to the excuses and just do them. Once the decision is made the uncomfortableness at pushing past what has always been done will break apart and what will be left simple enjoyment of life.

After over an hour of memories followed by emotional outpouring followed by more memories and emotion, I was finally spent. And I felt better.

Last Night’s Work

After a thorough session of self-healing and more chakra balancing, I fell asleep quite quickly still propped upright in the midst of meditating. I awoke from a dream of traveling across the ocean to an island.

AirShip

The vehicle in which I traveled across the ocean was immense. It was more than an airplane, it was an airship. Inside were hundreds, maybe thousands of people and I was very aware of twin girls who carried with them their blood in vials connected by plastic. I was aware also that this blood carried their DNA. There was a conflict here and I avoided the twins for some reason but cannot remember why. One kept staring at me holding her blood in her hands.

The main memory I have of this dream is that my ex brought back food from a farmer’s market. He put in front of me a bunch of bananas and a strange orange fruit that was long like a sweet potato. He asked me if I wanted some of the banana (but he didn’t call it that). He opened it up to reveal the flesh and it was unlike any banana flesh I had ever seen. Inside it was splashed with orange and my ex told me it was a powerful hallucinogenic. He ate it and said it tasted like dirt (lol) and then offered me some. I refused because I researched it and it said it made one’s heart rate speed up to 150 and I didn’t want that. I chose instead to eat the other fruit which tasted good and sweet.

The symbolism here is not lost to me. I keep dreaming of twins and the meaning of them is usually that they are my conscious and sub-conscious. Since there is conflict here, I am likely struggling with accepting the subconscious aspect. The blood is representative of life, love and passion. The fruit I ate is symbolic of my work on the second chakra and since I ate it I am open to the work that needs to be done to open it.

Healing

I awoke from this dream feeling huge amounts of energy coming in through my crown chakra and seeming to exit my root chakra. My head felt wide open, too, my third eye buzzing and filling my eyes, nose and cheeks. I lay there unable to return to sleep and finally lay on my back. I then began to notice my second chakra was also activated and I had a slight discomfort there but nothing major.

I fell back to sleep despite the energy and dreamed of working with other spiritually talented individuals in a type of commune or something. I walked to a high fence where four women were seeking entrance. I looked for the gate to let them in and discovered that I was mistaken about the gate as it had been removed and not been there for some time. I invited the women in and asked them who they had an appointment with. One girl pointed at me and another mentioned a man’s name. I walked them inside and then woke, knowing what the message was: my spiritual gifts had never left me, the “fence” was built by me and the gate had never been there – it had always been open.

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Energy Storm

Yesterday all was quiet energy-wise. I awoke feeling refreshed albeit a little concerned about how completely normal my energy seemed compared to the last five days. When I inquired as to why the energy change my guide responded, “It is done”. I assumed that my kundalini rising was on hold for the time being and the thought even occurred to me that maybe I had been wrong and none of what I had experienced was kundalini to begin with.

As I settled in for bed last night I searched online for a book to read since I had finished my most recent book, Snooze: A Story of Awakening. (I highly recommend this book, BTW. It was an excellent read for those of you who like metaphysical fiction). I opted for a book by Becca Chopra called Chakra Secrets and settled down to read. I unexpectedly found myself thoroughly immersed in the book before I knew it and could not put it down.

There was a part of the book that made me cry. It was about 75% of the way through and it hit me suddenly and unexpectedly.  I won’t go into detail about the specifics except to say that it was a note of advice in the book about not allowing fear and other negative emotions to hold you back from living. As soon as I had allowed the emotion to flow out and recovered somewhat from the shock of such an outpouring of emotion I heard my guide say, “We will continue”. It was then that I understood his earlier statement to me of “It is done” to mean that whatever work had been done was done to facilitate that exact moment which was necessary in order for me to move forward. I then heard, “The only way out is through” and knew I had been correct in my conclusion.

Energy Storm

I fell asleep quite quickly after that and slept deeply and without much in the way of dreams. Sometime in the night I recall hearing thunder booming. It was so loud and powerful that it shook my bed and caused my energy to vibrate and move upward from my root to my crown. When this happened I saw in my mind’s eye my chakras light up one by one in brilliant color. With each thunderous bang, a chakra would light up and vibrate and I would see the chakra come into vivid color in the visual of my energy body that floated above my physical body in bed. It was quite confusing to me that I was watching my energy body above me rather than being in my energy body watching my sleeping form. It felt somehow off and I tried to consider what exactly was going on but could not, my mind was too foggy with sleep.

The energy and light show of my chakras went on for what seemed like forever and I recall wondering if the storm was really happening or if it was part of a vivid lucid dream. When I awoke I immediately remembered the experience and got up to check and see if there was evidence of a storm. When I looked out the window I was surprised to find that a storm must have occurred because the streets were soaked and all the leaves that had been in the driveway had been washed away. It is unusual for a thunderstorm to come at this time of year, so I had assumed it had all been a part of my dream/experience.

Message

I tried to return to sleep but could not. I badly wanted to go OOB but could not. I felt last week that I would not be going OOB while this process of kundalini was going on. I am not sure why but I secretly hoped I had been wrong in my interpretation of this information. So far it has proved true and I have been disappointed.

While I lay in bed hoping to fall asleep, I recalled a dream I had in the early morning hours right before I initially awoke. In the dream I was both the observer and the participant. As the participant, I took the form of a young boy who had superb mediumship abilities. He was able to allow Spirit to enter his body and come through him. He would feel their personality, their physical features from life and know all their memories. He then would pass on their messages while expressing their unique personality and body language through his own body. I recall being surprised in the dream of his abilities and speaking to someone about it.

When I remembered this dream I remembered my experience of my friend channeling my guide and also all the accounts I had heard about how others were able to channel Spirit. I had always aspired to this but had never been able to do it, the fear of the unknown always keeping me from letting go enough to allow Spirit to come through. I also recalled the knowingness I had after my 12/12 experience where I saw myself as a conduit for energy.

Then there were the memories of the previous night’s dreams. In the dreams I was being encouraged to revisit the spiritual path I had once abandoned. I abandoned it for many reasons but primarily because it had led me to what seemed to be a dead end and my life was feeling out of control and unbalanced. The dreams had bothered me all day, leading me to question why I was being asked to return to that path when I no longer enjoyed using my spiritual gifts. I was then answered with the thought that I needed to find enjoyment in life again (2nd chakra) and I had enjoyed using my abilities once. I had found them exciting and exhilarating and still, to this day, I have not found any experience that has given me the satisfaction that comes with a successful mediumship session. And I wondered, why was I now dreaming of channeling?

At this time I heard my guide say, “You can do that”.

I, of course, cannot imagine that it is possible. Not only had I never been able to channel in that way, I have not given a mediumship reading in so long that I cannot remember the last time. There is no evidence that I can still do anything with my gifts but my guide reminds me that they are still there and accessible anytime. But I feel so dead to them and to the idea of using them.

Overall, I am being pushed to change direction in my life, to go back to the spiritual path. I do not know what all this entails but I am being told it will begin in January next year. Does this mean Spirit will again start to bug me like they use to? Does it mean that I will connect with people without wanting to? Or does it simply mean that opportunities will begin to be presented to me to help me make the transition? I know I must trust that what needs to happen will happen. Like my guide told me in my dreams the night before last, “I will handle it”. Just because we cannot see how something can be possible, does not mean it isn’t. Anything is possible. We must remember we have limited sight, limited knowingnesd and trust our Higher Selves when we cannot see the path ahead.

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Inner Sight

I did not sleep much last night and as I type this my eyes are heavy and my head is slightly aching in the right frontal cortex. Even though last night’s vibrations were exciting, I kind of wish they would have not continued so far into the night so I could have gotten more sleep. I have to work today so there is not much I can do except to continue through my day.

Symptom Update

A quick symptom update before I proceed:

  • Headache
  • Twitching in my left side and back (last night only)
  • Neck ache
  • Vision fluctuations
  • Interrupted sleep
  • Visual phenomenon
  • Buzzing sensations in head and third eye
  • Disorientation
  • Buzzing behind eyes and on either side of nose (forms a mask of energy)
  • Dry eyes (this could be from sleep deprivation)
  • Profuse sweating (in the morning)
  • Ear ringing (left ear only last night)

Inner Sight

I was told I would be given more information this morning about what occurred last night. I received some information in my sleep and between sleep during the night. There were intense energy spikes in my head area all night long, some of which caused my lower body to jerk, but this was infrequent. As I mentioned in my last post, I awakened to a familiar state three times after my initial strange experience. The familiar state is the deep trance state I covered in another post. Basically, my head felt expansive and surrounded by a soft energy that felt dense. The energy came in through the base of my neck and shot out through my third eye in what I can only describe as an intense, white light. I did not “see” a light but I sensed a tunnel forming in front of my eyes which heightened my interest. It is this tunnel that leads to conscious exit of the physical body. I have witnessed it before years ago when I spent over a month attempting nightly to consciously exit my body. I finally accomplished conscious exit but found I struggled to remain OOB. If I were to have surrendered like I was instructed I would have gone into the tunnel, passed through the “void” and into likely unfamiliar territory, though it is possible that I may have just gone OOB and gotten to explore as is my usual.

The odd experience I was unable to put into words remains that way. I honestly do not think there are words accurate enough to describe what happened. I do feel I tapped into a very ancient part of myself and that some kind of outward projection was achieved. I was witness to this projection but also the projection itself. This “splitting of consciousness” had a very confusing effect on my physical self. I was/am unable to comprehend it completely. I fell back into my body at the end of this experience feeling disoriented and alarmed, though this was only in my mind. My body was relaxed and completely oblivious to what happened. There were not even any vibrations which is the norm upon reentry.

I will say that my memory of the experience came back more fully as I returned to sleep and experienced continual vibrations in my head. The actual moment I felt part of my consciousness rise up and out of me there was an intensity of energy in my crown and third eye. It felt as if the top of my head exploded outward. At the same time, I saw this other me from behind, his long, blonde hair flowing behind him as he went away from me. I felt myself following him and being pulled upward as well. This movement upward is what wakened me. It felt very much like a conscious exit from my body and I sadly feel it ended prematurely because of my heightened awareness and my inability to shut off my mind as I had been instructed to do.

In my early years of OBEs I had mastered the ability to control my emotions and my mind so that I could remain out of body for many hours at a time. I spent many OBEs prior to this in sessions learning to master my emotions and my mind as these two things were quite a hindrance to my development. I recall the moment I achieved this ability. I was able to distance myself from the heightened emotions that so often overwhelmed me when I left my body. I became a quiet observer rather than a participant and as long as I remained the observer I was able to stay OOB.

Message

As I type this I realize that the message I was told I would get in fact was received but only now am I recalling it. During the buzzing in my head and intensity of energy in my third eyes, I knew suddenly with much clarity that I would eventually have similar experiences while awake – that it would be something I could “turn on” if I wanted. It is not necessarily the vibrations that I would turn on but the “sight”. The vibrations, I am told, will eventually barely be noticeable as I will adjust to the strange sensations that come with them.

I did not spend much time considering it at the time I received this message/knowingness yet now I am wondering how something like that will work. I am curious now. I am also thinking this is all just too weird to be real.

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REemergence

I am here again unable to sleep. I have in fact already been to sleep but for only an hour.

I feel asleep after receiving instructions to focus on my heart. I was also instructed to let my thoughts go, to “get out of my mind”, specifically. I heard also this message, “We are one” but I did not think anything of it. It felt to me to be an intention, a message to me to remember that my higher self is me and I am him. I heard many other things prior to falling asleep, but the message was clear that we were moving forward, though what that meant I was unsure.

Reemergence

What I am about to try to do my best to describe is not something I am sure can be described. If in fact there were any time that one would feel ready to explode in insanity from a Kundalini experience, now would be the time. My heart is buzzing and I am feeling unsettled within myself as I type this. What happened to me?

It began as a dream. Within the dream I was speaking to a man. He was in fact me, but not me. His hair was long, blonde and straight and all one length. His features angular but not overly so. He appeared as a warrior and his movement I was following as I heard discussion going on around me, within me, everywhere. It was whispered to me but my mind could not interpret what was said. It still cannot. I am really not even sure why I was allowed to remember that even occurred, yet I do.

The man I watched/was but was not was tall and thin and lithe. He reminded me one of the character elves on the Lord of the Rings except that this was in fact just a man, a real man. He wore similarly strange clothing as such a character would. Like I said, he appeared to be a warrior but a spiritual warrior, maybe even a shaman.

I intently watched as this man, who was also me but not, came out of inside of himself/myself and launched upward into the air and up. He felt to be a bird that was rising. I am tempted to say he was a Phoenix but again, this is only a word and no words can describe what occurred.

This process continued in this “dream” state for some time. I followed the man and watched us shift together, apart, together, apart. I felt no fear at this, I was just there, participating yet an observer at the same time.

Finally, I was aware again of being me sleeping in my bed. The warrior, as I will call him, approached. When he did it was as if I “awakened” to his presence. I watched/felt as he and I merged, became one, and then he again rose out from within me. When this shift occurred I was hit with an overwhelming knowingness that a monumental step had just happened. I felt to be of two, three, maybe more individuals. There was no energy rising through my chakras, no OBE, no “Spirit” entering or leaving….it was as if I were being made keenly aware that this other me, this blonde warrior, was rising and would sleep no more. I distinctly recognized him as myself yet I did not know him, maybe could not know him with my human mind.

I still struggle to comprehend what happened. It felt distinctly similar to a OBE except that I do not recall any out of body sensations or anything that could constitute separateness from my physical form. The closest explanation my mind can find is that I experienced some kind of inter-dimensional reality but even that does not feel exactly right. How can I be this man and not be him at the same time. How could I have felt what I did and not be insane from it?

I, in fact, had a moment of intense panic after waking. The panic is gone, replaced with a knowingness that this experience was/is part of the process that I am currently going through. I am left feeling very much different than when I went to sleep. Now I feel very linked to something ancient, something that pre-dates Earth and is beyond my ability to conceptualize. I feel very shamanic, native and yet also distinctly bird-like. I cannot help but think of my previous message to myself, “let the Eagle fly”.

I did not hesitate to write this as soon as I awoke. I knew if I didn’t I would not again sleep. I was told, “You will be told more as the sun rises”. I now anticipate a message upon waking.

Reemergence is defined as: 1.  the act or process of emerging. 2. Evolution. Emerging is defined as 1. to come forth into view, as from concealment or obscurity. 2. to rise up or come forth from. 4. to come into existence. I include these definitions because reemergence was the only word that felt close to acceptable as a description of what I experienced.

I wish, I wish, I knew how to explain it. I cannot. Whatever happened, it was Divine. I feel that a part of me has returned to me.

Edit: After returning to bed, I fell asleep and was awakened to intense buzzing in my head and pressure at the back of my skull. It was not painful. I could keenly sense the vibrations, especially in my third eye. It felt as if a light were pouring out of my third eye and I could see a tunnel forming in my mind’s eye. I recognized what was happening and instantly remembered that I had had this same feeling during the above experience but had somehow forgotten it! The waves of vibrations intensified and I became immediately very conscious. I heard, “surrender” from my guide but I could not for the excitement I felt. I recalled that when I felt to be two of myself that this exact intense vibration was being felt and I suddenly recognized that I was receiving the gift of “sight”. I knew if I allowed the vibrations to continue that I would “see beyond the veil”. Unfortunately, I was too fixated on what was happening for the experience to proceed further.

I experienced more vibrations in my head throughout the night. With each one I was instructed to, “surrender” and with each one I was again not able to ignore the intense sensations and visual phenomenon to ignore it, which stopped it from going any further. After the third such experience I told my guide/higher self, “I’m sorry but I am tired”. I purposefully put a stop to the tunnel of vision that was forming in my mind’s eye and rolled over to fall blissfully asleep.

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Let the Eagle Fly

My guide/Higher Self told me that most of the merging “work” we are doing together is to be done at night. So far, every night since the 12th I have in fact had some kind of energy sensation within my dreams. Additionally, I have very in-depth, issue resolving dreams. Last night was no different.

Dreams of Family

I slept very deeply last night and forgot most of my dreams. I remembered enough, however, to know that we had been discussing the subject of family, responsibility to family and enjoyment of life. The last dream I recall was sitting in the passenger seat of a small car with my husband behind the wheel. He was not paying attention and side-swiped another vehicle and then sped off without stopping to exchange insurance. When I questioned him about it he said, “Our insurance will take care of it. It was our fault anyway”. His concern level was near zero and that bothered me. How could he be so irresponsible? That was so unlike him.

Transcendence

I awoke from the dream upset and not wanting to continue on this “ascension”, “merging”, whatever-you-call-it, transformation any further. I felt such a loss for some reason and did not want to continue on in life either. I asked my guide/Higher Self, “Why can’t we just drop this body? I know once we do we will merge. It is much faster that way”. I got a feeling in return that I knew better. The point of this life is not ascension, it is the experience – the transcendence. Ahhh! It made me just want to scream because 1. It was not what I wanted to hear and 2. He was right and I knew it.

The point of this life is not ascension, it is the experience – the transcendence.

I actually was just given this statement as I typed this. It was/is a great surprise to me – always – the words and sentences that sometimes come out of me. I myself, would not use such a word. In fact, I am only familiar with it from my Osho Tarot deck which is called “the transcendental game of Zen”. I have also heard the word used along with meditation, as in transcendental meditation. But all this time I never really thought much about the word. I knew it meant to “rise above” or “go beyond” but the actual definition is: 1. a. exceeding usual limits; b. extending or lying beyond the limits of ordinary experience. 2. being beyond comprehension. 3.transcending the universe or material existence.

This is all news to me – or at least to the Earth me anyway. It gives me a better idea of why I am here, at least. It helps me to better understand why I was not led to the term “ascension” until just recently. Why, this entire time, I was left to figure out the process on my own, with the help of my guide/Higher Self and assistants (which are numerous). It is not the label or the word that is important – it is the experience of going beyond the usual that has been my path for so many lives. It is breaking the surface of the water, taking a huge breath and opening my eyes to whole new world.

Let the Eagle Fly

I fell back to sleep not long after and had another odd dream. In this one I was watching my baby move a walker with his toes almost like a bicycle. He was pushing on tiny pedals and I was instructing him. He fell over and I was unconcerned and just told him to be more careful.

I then sat down and remember thinking that I needed to feel pleasure in life again. I reached to my right shoulder and put my hand over another hand. It was as if I knew there was someone there. I felt the hand as solid as my own but it was gloved and I could feel the fibers of the mitten the covered it. I pulled on the hand as I sent the intent to my silent companion to help me feel pleasure. I then felt a disembodied face attached to a disembodied head above the hand I had been touching. I pulled the head forward and sought out the mouth, first running into the eyes and chin. I recognized the head was upside down and a part of me was curious as to why there was no body, but I seemed to know this was my own creation.

My goal here was to activate my lower chakras and achieve the feeling of passion and overwhelming bliss that I knew was possible. I remember then that my root chakra activated but as the energy moved upward the second chakra expanded outward in a burst of energy that soon dulled and went out. I remember feeling disappointed and understanding I still had work to do. I then began to write a note to myself as I tried again to activate the second chakra.

“I’m going to let the eagle fly” I wrote. Then I read it back to myself, “Let the eagle fly”. And this caused me to giggle a little bit.

I felt a surge in my second chakra again and I acknowledged my guide/Higher Self and his assistance. But again the energy did not move but extinguished and became a dull pain in my right side. This, too, stopped very quickly and with that I awoke.

2nd2nd Chakra

Since I was unsure what exactly the 2nd chakra is all about, I had to also search for information about it. I recognized that it coincided with relationships in life, and that made sense to me, especially since I had been dreaming about family all night. However, the 2nd chakra is the passion and pleasure center, so it is much more than just relationships.

According to chakra-anatomy.com:

The gift of this chakra is experiencing our lives through feelings and sensations. The second chakra is the centre of feeling, emotion, pleasure, sensuality, intimacy, and connection.

The energy of this chakra allows you to let go, to move, and to feel change and transformation occurring within your body. It allows you to experience this moment as it is, in its own fullness.

The main challenge for the second chakra is the conditioning of our society. We live in a society where feelings are not valued, where passion, and emotional reactions are being frowned upon. We are being taught not to “loose control”. And we get disconnected from our bodies, our feelings.

The element of this chakra is water. And as I type this, I recall that I had a dream about water last night. In the dream, I looked out over a shallow sea. There were rocks beneath that surface that were visible and the water was crystal clear and still. It reminded me of a surreal scene from the Arctic or some other northern region. I looked across it and beyond and when I did, I recognized that there was emotion there that was ready to be experienced. Yet I did not walk into it. I thought, “I am not ready yet”.

And I am left with questions about why I am so reluctant to feel again; to allow myself pleasure and enjoyment of life. Perhaps it is because with pleasure comes pain? Am I trying to avoid pain by numbing myself of all that life has to offer? This makes sense and it makes me sad. I honestly do not know how to handle this problem. No wonder I felt so defeated when I woke up this morning.

Letting Go

I recognize also that the second chakra is about letting go. Surprise, surprise! The message I get most often is to “let go”. Now I know why I seem to never be able to. There are issues to be cleared here and that is what I/we are doing now. As my guide/Higher Self said to me the other day, “There is no progress without process”.

Let the eagle fly. It can only mean to me that I must release myself, my inner Spirit, from whatever constraints I have created. Let myself soar. Free myself from myself. If only it were that simple.

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To the Moon

With all the excitement of my kundalini experience the other night (12/12/14) I almost forgot all about the OBE I had afterward. I specifically asked to astral. Never did I think I would astral to a place I actually intended to go!

To the Moon

I found myself in becoming more and more lucid from within a dream. I was alone in a room with very high ceilings. The walls were white and a huge screen took up the entire left side of the room. I was floating near the edge, looking over some railings at the room and taking it all in. I concluded that I must be in a theater.

I began to look closer at the screen to my left. In the center was the moon. It took up a large part of the screen and appeared to be 3 dimensional. I could see all of space spread out behind it – stars, galaxies, nebulae – all in vivid color. I was curious. Was it a picture or was it real?

I decided to fly out to it but became a bit concerned. Could I fly? Was this really a dream?

I floated up quickly and headed toward the screen. I then began falling quickly downward, so I grabbed onto the top edge. Then I realized I would not fall and that I was being silly. I let go and floated there right in front of the screen and the humungous moon. I touched the flat surface and the moon suddenly appeared more like a painting than a realistic picture.

At that moment I was certain I was OOB. With that, I felt energy build up within me. I felt like I was going to burst with excitement. I took one last look at the screen and then effortlessly flew into it.

I came out on the other side and found myself in the middle of space. In front of me was the moon, full and glorious. It was vividly white and bright and I could not help but want to fly toward her.

My awareness grew exponentially.  Maybe it was the amount of energy I was feeling or the fact that I had just experienced kundalini, but at that moment I felt powerful.

I felt my Higher Self call me back away from the scene and I immediately was sucked back into my body. I did not take much time to wake up. I obviously had done something wrong, or at least that is what it felt like.

Intention Set and Accomplished

It was not long ago that someone mentioned their OOB trip to the moon in one of the FB groups I am a member of. I recall thinking, “I want to go to the moon!” But I was worried I would freak out because outer space always feels so large and dominating to me. But I set the intention anyway. Why not?

I did not specifically set the intention to go to the moon that particular night, but the intention was set. That is how it works for me, anyway. I do not have to ask for something every night. I just ask once and then usually I eventually get it. I just wish I had actually gotten to the surface of the moon. Unfortunately, I did not specify what I wanted to do except to think, “I want to go to the moon”. And that is what I got.

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Ascension Symptom Update

For the second half of the day I have been feeling nudged to write an update on the symptoms I have been having since my most recent kundalini experience.

  • Vision fluctuations, specifically my left eye feels very obviously dominant over my right
  • Vision “shifts”; vision appears to freeze frame (this happens mostly at night)
  • Tingling and warmth in my feet
  • One clogged nostril, each night the opposite one will be clogged for no apparent reason at around the same time each night
  • Extremely high energy
  • Intermittent buzzing in heart chakra and third eye chakra
  • Interrupted sleep; when I wake up I feel rested and ready for the day even if I have only had a few hours of sleep
  • Change in breathing/breath; I breathe deeper and slower
  • Heart rhythm changes
  • Increased body temperature, especially in the morning
  • Profuse sweating, especially in the morning
  • Attraction to specific smells, ie. patchouli oil, frankincense, and cinnamon

In addition to these symptoms I was asked to examine certain aspects of my life:

  • Physical exercise – change type and frequency
  • Harmful toxins – reduce or eliminate completely
  • Relationships  – examine them using the heart rather than the mind
  • Compassion – develop more for self and others
  • Fear – question fear-based life patterns
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Balance is Key

“I won’t do this alone. We are partners in this”.

That is what my guide/Higher Self said to me early this morning.

I had just awakened from a dream in which I was sitting in a booth next to an elderly African American man. I recall him very clearly, both the way he looked and the way he felt. He had kind eyes. The kind of eyes with wrinkles etched deeply around them in an arc from years of smiling. He had patches of gray in his nappy hair and age spots dotted his face. He had a face that likened him to Morgan Freeman, though he was much older.

His energy was soft and calming, filled with love and a deep understanding of me that I cannot remember feeling in this life before. There was a timelessness about him, as if he were ancient beyond understanding and I felt very honored to be in his presence.

He reached over and gingerly took my hand in his. There were no words spoken yet I knew this man was asking me to come be with him. Recognizing this I agonized over the choice. I badly wanted to be with him yet my mind kept going back to my current husband. For some reason I felt that the choice required that I leave my husband behind and my loyalty to him was/is fierce. My family is very important to me and I felt overwhelmed by the choice I felt I was being asked to make.

We sat together like this for some time. I continued to battle from within while he sat with me, holding my hand and surrounding me with acceptance and love. It was obvious to me that I would choose him and the fear of losing all I have was overpowering. Each time I would panic he would send a wave of love toward me. I felt it rise up from my root chakra. It moved upward along the back of my spine. I felt it rise all the way up between my shoulder blades. It was tingly and nice but I resisted it, worried again about betraying my husband. At the same time I desperately wanted to let the energy find my heart and anticipated the amazing feeling that would accompany it. Yet I could not let it reach my heart, not yet.

I awoke to the energy spiraling up my spine. I was laying on my back and my guide/Higher Self was all around me. I knew instantly the elderly man in my dream had been him. I was overcome with emotion at this and there was finally an understanding of just how beautiful I am. An understanding the he was me and I was him and that he would be patient and loving through the process. He would not rush me and he would not force me into anything I did not want or was not ready for. And that is when he said, “I won’t do this alone. We are partners in this”. And I felt such relief at this statement because I worried that I had no choice; that I was merely along for the ride. It was now obvious to me that I had a say and that when I was reluctant, my Higher Self would hold my hand and gingerly take me through the process of clearing whatever it was that was holding me back.

In response my guide/Higher Self said, “Be kind to yourself” and I remembered the lesson I learned about my inner child. At the memory he asked me to consider the choices ahead. When I began to grow fearful he again reminded me to remember my inner child and to treat her with kindness, patience and love. When I did this I wanted to cry and there was approval felt from my Higher Self.

Wide Awake

It was 3:30am and I could not return to sleep. My mind was very awake and I felt rested and ready for the day. I contemplated just getting up and getting ready for the day but knew my body would tire much too quickly if I did. I asked my guide, “Help me to sleep” and he said, “Lay on your back” and so I did, but I do not really like sleeping on my back. He said, “Your heart is more open this way”. I accepted this. But my mind was full of thoughts and would not quiet. He then said to me, “Listen. Focus on your heart”. And so I did and the thoughts stopped and I felt the energy in my heart surge. This has been happening when I focus on my heart and listen.

I lay there for a while without thought and an odd thing became noticeable to me. At times I would be very aware of my heartbeat. Sometimes it would beat loudly in my ears, racing. Then, almost as soon as it would start, it would fade out and be quiet again. I did not feel it beating in my chest, I just heard it. I was instructed to not focus on it but I couldn’t help but hear it when the beating would intensify. Eventually, though, I must have fallen asleep despite the distraction.

Dreams

My dreams were nothing like the thoughts that had been keeping me awake. They continued the conversation I had been having with my guide/Higher Self. The most vivid one was of me returning to the same university campus I had been in in another recent dream. The university was very grande and ancient looking and I was late for class. Interestingly, I went onto campus in a wheelchair and was the teacher, not the student. I entered my classroom and there was a science lad underway. I knew my first period was off so I questioned the instructor who apologized for using my classroom without prior notice.

I left and headed for my History class. In this class I would be the student. I also knew where the class was held. This is in contrast to my last dream in which I felt lost and could not remember my schedule. I headed to the second floor and the room number 10.

I awoke again, the dream very vivid in my mind and my guide/Higher Self once again felt to be all around me. It was 5:00am and I knew I still had an hour before I needed to get up. Again I was not tired and thought about just getting up but my guide/Higher Self instructed me to stay and to again focus on my heart. I did, the buzzing energy in my heart intensified and information began to pour into me from my Higher Self.

PendulumRound Two

Through this communication I recognized that during this phase in my merging that I was working from the root chakra upward while in the first phase (the one that started in 2003) I had been working from the crown down. I saw this process occurring and being helped along by guides and assistants. This made sense to me as when I first became aware of my guides and spiritual gifts it seemed to come all at once and I seemed ill prepared to handle the responsibility of it. I spent most of my time very ungrounded. This was only intensified by my denial of my physical life and responsibilities.

Rather than view this merging process as something planned and enacted by some higher power than myself, I began to see it as a process being played out between the part of me who Forgets and the part who Remembers. The part who Remembers is the teacher and the part who Forgets is the pupil. As the teacher, the part of me who Remembers must adjust the lessons and the process based upon the response of the pupil. If the pupil cannot handle one method, then another one is employed. And another, and another, and so on and so forth until the pupil is responsive.

During round one, though I was responsive in the beginning, the process was overwhelming and I hadn’t gained enough life experience to handle it properly. It was then determined, by us both, that a delay was needed and a new method was employed for this second phase.

So here I am, slowly moving through this round and finding it much easier and less chaotic than the first. I recognize that it is because I have matured and gained in experience. Specifically, the experiences I have had of motherhood were/are necessary.  Without them I would not have the compassion for myself that is needed to progress. I also have the lessons learned from the previous round and the Ego has grown weaker as a result.

Balance is Key

I now understand just how important it is to remained balanced through this process. In the first phase I immersed myself in the spiritual and denied the physical to the point that I became very out of balance. A result was near insanity and complete misery as I fell into a deep depression. I remember the discussion I had with my guide/Higher Self at the time I was losing touch with physical reality. I saw in my mind a pendulum and recognized that I had only allowed it to swing to one side, the spiritual. I was told it was time to let the pendulum swing the other way. Eventually, I saw that the pendulum would swing both directions, maintaining a balance between both worlds. But first I had to live the other extreme which denied the spiritual. I did this for nearly five years.

Now I am being asked to reintegrate the spiritual and find balance. It comes with the same feeling of trepidation that came with the end of the last phase. This time, though, I feel more prepared. My view of my guide/Higher Self is shifting noticeably. Rather than feeling intimidated like a schoolgirl entering the principal’s office when he speaks to me, I feel honor and reverence in his presence. I am beginning to identify him as me.

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From OBE to Life

Today, after struggling horribly this morning with a most unsettling energy that made me shiver all over from the intensity of it, I followed the advice of my guide and left the house and the computer behind. While in my car the energy was hitting my head and my whole body was near convulsions as I tried to drive. I hit a stop light and had to calm myself as the thought hit me that I may pass out. I even began to sense the darkness entering my vision from the sides. I remembered to breathe and focus on my heart and by the time I reached my destination I was feeling better.

I spent the entire day out and about, most of it outside. I even took a walk with my husband and went to the playground with my children. As the day progressed I found myself noticing people that I normally would not notice. There was a man in the grocery store having a conversation on a cell phone. I couldn’t help but overhear what he was saying. He was from out of town and had no money, his debit card was broken and he could not reach his sister to get help. I passed him several times and wanted to stop and ask him, “How can I help?” There was an urge to do this but I resisted, thinking, “What if he is lying?” or “He will find help”. I did not end up talking to him and left the store without seeing him again. I now wish I had at least tried to help him.

Later, as I was stopped at a stop light, I saw a man with a sign asking for money. This is common where I live and I normally don’t take much notice. Yet for some reason I kept thinking, “I could give him some money” and wanted to. The more I looked at him, the more I tuned into his energy and felt compassion for him. I knew he was not normally one to ask for handouts.

The light changed and my chance was lost but the feeling of compassion remained.

On my way home I saw more homeless on the other corner. I felt bad for them as well and wondered about them. I even imagined yelling out to them from across the busy road but then decided against it for fear one would put themselves in harms way. Also, their energy was more muddled than the man I saw previously and I knew they would not appreciate my help.

homelessNudges

I did not have time to really contemplate much of anything all day, yet little tidbits of information did not wholly go unnoticed. I kept returning to my computer feeling I should write at least something of my experiences but the urge was never there. My mind was totally blank.

I decided to do some yoga and relax some and then again sat at the computer. I kept reading and re-reading the other post I wrote today as if I trying to not forget it. In the midst of reading over another one of my posts from earlier this year a thought hit me, a memory of a cognition I had earlier in the day. I thought, “I need to write about that”.

And here I am, writing and my mind is not clouded or muddled.

This morning after I got the message to leave (and I felt it urgently), I was preparing to leave the house. I felt hungry and instantly knew I needed to eat and felt led to the fridge to make myself a protein smoothie. I remember feeling consciously pushed in this direction and I did not resist.

This same nudging continued throughout the day. I called my husband out of the blue (nudge, nudge) and invited him for lunch. I told him I wanted to talk to him about what was going on with me. I remember thinking to myself, “I do?”

When we sat down, I had no idea what I wanted to say. We sat outside (which is out of character for me) and I listened to him, completely without any other thought than to hear what he had to say. When he finished I effortlessly told him what I wanted to tell him. It came out so well, without a glitch and I said something very out of character. My husband, of course, was pleased and I was speechless. When he asked me about it I told him, “I came here not knowing what I would say and then I just said all that”.

It was not that I didn’t want to say what I said. I did. What is odd here is that, normally, I have trouble hearing my husband as he talks about his work which is very boring to me. This time I was thinking of nothing but what he said. I had not one moment of anxiety caused by thinking ahead.

And I recognized that I spent the entire day –  in the moment!

Later, a thought hit me out of the blue and I nearly forgot about it except that it came back to me, as if I had put all this day’s events together somehow without consciously thinking about it.

I realized that these urges I have been receiving, I have gotten over and over again while OOB. Sometimes I go with the “suggestions” and other times I don’t. What has been occurring most recently in my OBEs is that when I do not follow the suggestions I pop back into my body. I lose that which I most want – to be OOB – because I do not listen.

And that is when it hit me: Perhaps that is what has been going on my entire life. I have not been listening and have missed that which I really wanted, to be happy and at peace, because I didn’t listen.

I know it seems small to those of you who consistently listen to your Higher Self, but to me this is HUGE. I am stubborn and I do not like to feel “controlled”. I have been getting messages for as long as I can remember from my guide to “listen”. I never really understood until today.

I listened (for the most part anyway) and my day was good. Pleasant. Positive. Balanced. I was more in the moment than I have ever been. My mind was not a mess of thoughts.

So there is a positive to all this kundalini and based just upon today I can’t wait to see what other positives come of it. And I hear my guide say to me, “Imagine that every day was like today and that is what you will have tenfold”.