Tag Archives: blogging

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Clovers and Ladybugs

The energy yesterday was fantabulous! Did you take advantage of it? I did. 🙂

There were moments when the vibration got so high, though, that I got that familiar anxiety/panic feeling in my chest. I hate that feeling. How did I handle it? I went to the gym and grounded the hell out of it. lol It worked, too. Bye-bye panic feeling hello happy feeling.

When I came home, my mother-in-law took my two oldest to a birthday party. This gave me time alone with my youngest. We both love our time alone. We spent it outside enjoying the lovely Spring weather and exploring the back yard. There was a cloudless sky and a slight breeze – a perfect day.

I decided to sit in the grass. When I looked up at the sky, the crescent moon was right overhead. For some reason this made me smile and gave me great joy. I felt as if the moon was put there just for me.

Then I noticed I was sitting next to a clump of clover (which is actually Wood Sorrel). I love clover! It brought back memories from my childhood. I use to look for four leaf clovers all the time. I would eat the clover, too. They are yummy!

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The symbolism was not lost to me, either. Each clover has three, perfect heart shaped leaves. Since I had just received the message 333 by my guides the previous day I smiled because here it was again in abundance all around me. Each perfectly formed heart reminding me that I am loved and worthy of love. Thank you universe!

Here are a few pics of my son in the clover. The last one is of him tasting it. He didn’t like it too much. It’s an acquired taste. lol

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Do you see his mullet? I couldn’t cut his curls so I kept it long. We get comments on it all the time. People love it. lol

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Tasting the clover.

There were also an abundance of ladybugs about. There would be three or more on one plant!

Ladybugs symbolize happiness, good fortune, child-like innocence, and complete transformation.

Ladybug spirit animal shows that the last, big step of your transformation will result in a quantum leap from one way of being to a brand new one. You will have a gap or quiet, inactive time when this shift is happening in you, but others will be able to see it taking place. Source.

I had not seen so many ladybugs in one place before so I took some pictures and showed them to my son. He was as fascinated as I was.

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All pictures were taken with a cell phone.

There were also aphids all over the place. I pulled up some weeds and my hands were covered in the little green guys. I didn’t take any pictures of them. They kinda creeped me out so I stopped investigating the bugs of our back yard after that. lol

I learned later that ladybugs eat aphids. I didn’t know that! No wonder there were so many hanging around.

After that we took a trip down to the creek. It is actually an overflow ditch but water runs there year-round and there is an entire ecosystem available to explore. The creek marks the border of our property. We don’t even own one acre but we have way more to explore than our previous 4 acres provided. Such a blessing!

 

As you can see, Spring has sprung in Texas. It has been greening up since mid-February. Last week it rained every day and the creek overflowed its banks. Our house is very close (you can see it in the pic), but we are not located in a flood plane/zone. The water has, however, come up uncomfortably close to the house.

It is another gorgeous day today and the first day of Spring Break, too. Wishing you all a joy-filled, beautiful day!

 

 

 

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Dream: Flying Whale

I slept extremely well last night despite this lingering cold. I was gifted with a brilliantly vivid dream, one that left me feeling full of hope.

Dream: Flying Whale

I visited Montana in my dreams last night. I lived there from 1997-2001, mostly in the areas of Helena and Bozeman. The mountains in that area are spectacular. No matter how miserable I was, if I looked up at the mountains I would instantly be reminded of the splendor and wonder of this planet we call Earth. Mountains remind me of Home so I often return to Montana in my dreams.

I was visiting with my old family alongside my current family. We were reminiscing about old times. Specifically, I was traveling the route between Bozeman and Helena, one I drove every weekend, sometimes more, during my college years attending Montana State. I pointed out Lake Townsend (Canyon Ferry Lake) and other landmarks. I was laughing a lot and very relaxed.

We stopped along the side of the road and walked among some boulders. The people I was with changed, though. They were now students and I was standing next to an Asian girl who broke her glasses. To the left was a crystal clear body of water and across from the water were cabins, all of them unoccupied. The pond or stream reminded me of the many creeks and beaver ponds that dotted Montana. I noticed there were very large fish swimming in the water and kept commenting on how clear the water was. It was very beautiful.

At one point I was standing with my mom and heard a strange cry. It sounded like a cross between a hawk and a whale. A shadow blocked the sun and we looked up and there was a whale flying in the sky! My mom said, “Oh, look a dragon!” I said, “That’s not a dragon! That’s a whale!”. The whale was blue with a silver tinge to it and it kept circling overhead. I frantically began to look for my cell phone to take a picture. When I found it and pointed it at the whale the sun was too bright and the only image I could capture was bright, white light.

The whale flew off over the mountains. I remember thinking it sometimes looked more like a giant manatee than a whale.

Interpretation

Apparently flying whales are somewhat common dream symbols. Not for me, though! lol Dreamoods.com says that a flying whale “symbolizes an enormous sense of freedom from letting down your emotional wall. You feel that a huge weight has been lifted”. No wonder I felt so positive after that dream. 🙂

The significance of this dream is that my old family and current family were together and I was happy. When I lived in Montana I was miserable most of the time. I don’t know why. In fact, when I lived in or visited places I found intensely beautiful or spiritual I was often horribly sad or depressed. It was like being there made the misery I felt inside that much more obvious. Such a stark contrast – me and the mountains. Them so powerful and majestic, me so cowardly and insignificant.

I wonder if I could go back there now and finally enjoy the mountains? It feels like I have made my peace with them.

Photography credits: Picture of Bridger Mountains outside Bozeman

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Life Review Panel

After several days of being in a strange calm and having this other aspect (walk-in) in primary control, I am finally being allowed to express to you all what is happening. It is not that I was being commanded to be quiet. This isn’t it at all. It is more like I needed to Be quiet in order to Allow, Reflect and Process.

Even now, though, it is hard to be in the forefront of my own mind. I begin to type and my mind freezes; blanks out. I feel I am not suppose to go too deep into my side of this journey; that there are certain limitations to be upheld. Even those last few words weren’t mine, yet they came from me. I can’t figure out how it is possible for such a thing to happen and just considering it causes me concern. Too much of my Christian upbringing interferes with my logic. It is like I panic and think, “I’ve been possessed!” Yet I know this is total nonsense.

You can see how completely insane this all sounds.

What I am allowed (I hate using that word) to communicate is what happened this morning. So that I will do.

Life Review Panel

When I woke up this morning I knew I had been in a discussion with my Panel, though the word panel was confusing to me. I had only ever heard Council so I knew this was something altogether different. I saw the Panel in front of me as I tried to get my bearings. It was just a flash of memory but then something about that flash brought on everything we had been discussing all at once.

Tears began to pour out of my eyes.

Memories followed. Memories mostly from my childhood. So many memories that I cannot remember them all in the order they were reviewed. It is like pictures of a photo album flipping page to page so fast I cannot keep track.

I grabbed hold of a belief/decision I came to long ago. The decision/belief was, “Nothing good ever lasts”. There were other similar ones like,”I must reject others before they reject me,” and “When I’m happy I get hurt.”

Memories (in no particular order)

I remembered when I was very young, maybe 4 or 5. My mom was laying in her bed and opened her arms up to me inviting me to snuggle. I hesitated. In my mind I remembered receiving both love and hate from her. The feeling she sent me was never consistent and the hate/anger she sent was so unbearable and in direct opposition to the feeling of love. It hurt. I decided then and there never to accept love from her again. I told her, “No” and when she reached out lovingly and hugged me close, I pushed her away.

Then came all the memories from the divorce. Oh I hate those memories! Mom telling me bad things about my dad. Dad telling me bad things about my mom. Mom probing me for answers after I would visit my dad. Me in tears every time I had to go on weekend visits with my Dad. Dad breaking into our house and stealing from us, from me. Dad telling me he would not take me home.  I was so terrified I would never get home that I memorized the 1 hour trip to my Dad’s and was able to show my mom how to get there when she couldn’t find him. Only a traumatized child could do something like that.

I remember crazy energy and emotions bombarding me all the time. No one ever told me what was going on. No one helped me understand. That is when I started begging God to let me die. I thought over and over, “I wish I were dead.” These thoughts have never really gone away completely, either.

As any child under similar circumstances would do, I began to act out. I got more spankings than I can count and was so defiant I  would laugh at my mom when she spanked me despite the pain. I didn’t want her to win.

I remember my mom being so fed up with me that she started threatening to take me to an orphanage. She even showed me a flyer about a boarding school for girls. In one instance, on a road trip to Houston, she stopped on the side of the road and made me get out of the car telling me she would call the orphanage to come get me. Talk about traumatizing! I really thought she was going to leave me there.

It’s not like I was a good little girl, though. I was awful, really. I did awful things. I thought awful things. I use to purposefully do things to get my little sister in trouble. I carved her initials everywhere and cut up my clothes so she couldn’t get them as hand-me-downs. And the thoughts I had back then, no little girl of 7-8 should ever have such thoughts. I was truly disturbed and defiant.

Though I was a straight A student, I went to the principal’s office every single year until I was a freshman in high school. Usually it was because I would tell off a teacher or refuse to do what they asked me to do. When I was 7 I was so horrible one day that I got “the paddle”. This was back when corporal punishment was still allowed. My mom witnessed it. It was humiliating. You know what got me there? I chased down a boy on the playground and kissed him. LOL

Then there were the memories of how I never had friends and the friends I did have  I mistreated. There was the friend who I beat up in the bathroom when I was 4 despite the fact that she was almost a foot taller than me. Then there was the friend who I was mean to all the time when I was 8. I made her cry over and over and never felt bad about it. I thought it was fun (WTF, right?). This all reversed flow on me later on, though.

And I don’t even remember everything from that time in my life. I believe I disconnected from everyone and everything in order to protect myself from all the pain. Everything in my life was destroyed. It is no wonder I decided that happiness = hurt, and decided that anything and everyone I loved would end up hurting or rejecting me. My solution was push everyone away. Reject them first. And when I did allow love into my life, I always knew it would not last, that it would be taken away from me and it would be my fault because I am no good, worthless and deserve it.

Yeah, disturbing.

If you have made it this far, thank you. I am sorry for all the negative history regurgitation.

Questions

After all this memory influx, I was asked, “What do you feel is your greatest life accomplishment?” Without hesitation I answered, “My children”.

Then I was asked, “What do you feel is your greatest life regret?”

This one took me a while but I eventually answered, “I didn’t live. I was too afraid to live.”

Ultimately, then, my greatest regret is succumbing to fear.

They then asked me, “What lessons do you still have to learn?”

And I knew the answer instantly. “I still need to learn how to be alone.” Yay! I am guessing my next life will be fun. 😦

 

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The Void

I’ve entered the Void. Honestly, I don’t think I really have ever been here before. Not like this anyway. It is a place that I am being taught to Allow. From within this space all flows freely. It is not pleasant but it is not painful. It is utterly lacking yet exceptionally creative all at the same time.

I spend most of my days lately listening to music, focusing on my children and enjoying nature when I can. Anything else takes too much effort.

Standing Alone at the Edge of the Void
About Spiritual Emptiness or the Void

 

Under your spell again.
I can’t say no to you.
Crave my heart and it’s bleeding in your hand.
I can’t say no to you.

Shouldn’t let you torture me so sweetly.
Now I can’t let go of this dream.
I can’t breathe but I feel…

Good enough,
I feel good enough for you.

Drink up sweet decadence.
I can’t say no to you,
And I’ve completely lost myself, and I don’t mind.
I can’t say no to you.

Shouldn’t let you conquer me completely.
Now I can’t let go of this dream.
Can’t believe that I feel…

Good enough,
I feel good enough.
It’s been such a long time coming, but I feel good.

And I’m still waiting for the rain to fall.
Pour real life down on me.
‘Cause I can’t hold on to anything this good enough.
Am I good enough for you to love me too?

So take care what you ask of me,
’cause I can’t say no.

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Why is This Happening to Me??

I’ve been up since 3:30am so excuse me in advance for any discombobulated thoughts or wording.

The night was normal energy-wise, but I had received a message that my progress would be accelerated. No big deal. I had heard that before and so knew (kinda) what to expect.

Lucid Dream: Someone’s Been Cleaning Up

After a night of dreamless sleep, I suddenly became aware of my dream, semi-lucid. I was with someone and we were discussing my life, though what specifically is lost to me now. What I do remember is flying along a road I use to drive every day to school when I was in high school. I have everything about that road memorized I drove it so frequently. However, as we flew I noticed the road looked like someone had scraped the top of the asphalt off. Also, on the right in a field I knew well (I use to fish at the pond there) I saw enormous trash bags piled one on top of the other. These trash bags were the size of buildings! I remember saying, “Looks like someone’s been cleaning up”.

Lucid Dream: Meeting My Teacher

Then the scene shifted and I was very much more aware. I was going to school and had missed some classes so had to talk to my teacher. I remember meeting him, an average-looking man with black hair and somewhat darker skin than mine. He was older than me, probably late 40s – early 50s.

As we walked together toward the classroom, we walked on top of set dinner tables, which was odd. I remember our discussion was about him and his travels. He was telling me about India and the food. We specifically talked about Curcurma and I saw this roundish, cantaloupe looking fruit but I knew it was not cantaloupe. It was orange like the inside of the cantaloupe, though.

The class initially felt like P.E. class but then he explained I would miss the current assignment which was a lab of some sort with vials and glass tubes. I remember seeing the image in my head, like he put it there as a thought form.

He kept looking at me very strangely and I noticed this but ignored it because I am use to being stared at by men. Yet at the same time I liked him. He was very nice.

We began to talk more about me and I ended up having an in-depth conversation with him about my life – my education, my family, how I felt, etc. As we talked he would pace around in front of me and I was laying on a bed on my stomach with my head resting on my hands very relaxed. He told me about his current issues, but all I remember now is he complained about his lower back hurting him. He seemed really tired – tired of life and tired in general. I felt similarly and understood.

While we talked I began to feel a strange familiarity about this man and began to like him more and more. When he would walk closer to me (he paced a lot) I would feel this strong connection but it was bearable and he seemed to notice it, too, and would back off. I remember telling him about starting a family and my three children. He said to me in reply, “So you had three children in seven-and-a-half years?” I said, “Yeah” and then I realized how crazy it sounded and smiled. I also remember telling him that I got my Master’s degree but didn’t want to use it. He just listened and I felt he genuinely wanted to know about me. It was nice to be heard.

Then he was suddenly right next to me on the bed on my right. He took my right arm and wrapped it around his waist. Only then did I realize he had no shirt on because I could feel his bare skin. He said to me, “Put your arms around me and love me until the day you die”. When he said this (even now it is affecting me) I was overwhelmed by the most magnificent feeling in my heart center and I wrapped my arms around him as if I would never let him go. The love coming into my heart – the pure connectedness, the sensuousness, the electricity, the wholeness – surged into my heart and expanded outward. It felt like a huge bubble. Then it expanded down into my lower chakras. At the same time it expanded upward into my upper chakras.

It was pure, magnificent bliss beyond anything I have yet to experience. I felt like I was dying and being born at the same time.

Why is This Happening to Me??

Unfortunately, the intensity of the encounter woke me up and I immediately sat up and began to cry. The tears were slow and just came out of my eyes like a faucet. I both wanted to go back to him and to run away at the same time. It made no sense. It makes no sense.

I spent the majority of the morning in confusion. This encounter has me turned in all directions, not knowing what to do. I had to get up and smoke a cigarette. Yeah. It was that intense an experience and my mind was all over the place as was my heart. It was like my entire being was screaming at me, “Make a change!” WTF!?

I kept asking (still am asking), “Why is this happening to me??!” There are so many emotions and thoughts raging even now. I don’t understand. I can’t even fathom the enormity of this. It is beyond my ability to comprehend. How can I feel/BE/share such LOVE?? And what is even more crazy is that I know that love is ME! It makes me want to cuss every cuss word I know (and I have/am) and I don’t even fully comprehend why this is. Why does something so beautiful, so perfectly right, terrify me so much?

 

 

 

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Today’s Energy

Just an FYI – I won’t be posting all my videos here. So check out my YouTube channel if you are interested in other ones. 

So the energy is intense today isn’t it? I’ve been riding the wave all day long and on one of those energy high’s I love so much. We are in the midst of an intense upgrade if you haven’t noticed. Looks like my Team wasn’t kidding when they warned me of its coming 8 days ago. Soon = Soon, this time around. lol

I’ve discovered that, for me at least, focusing on my heart center at this time is not the way to go. If I focus there I go into brain-dead mode and feel like I am floating around in La-La land. No good. I have kids to take care of and life to live. I can’t function in La-La land. So, I’ve been outside most of this beautiful Spring (yes I said Spring) day. It is near 80 degrees today in Texas with clear skies and blooming trees. That ground hog wasn’t joking when he said Spring was coming early!

Speaking of “ground” hogs (lol),I have been focusing all day on grounding, grounding, grounding. Yet even though I keep doing grounding things – being outside, exercise, essential oils, staying hydrated, eating grounding foods – I am still feeling my energy is all over the place. Thankfully I am at home and not interacting with groups of people or trying to have two-way communication with an adult. 😉

Yet I am still on this amazing high and feel so full of energy and information that I am ready to burst. I feel like a can of soda that has been shaken and shaken and shaken and when opened will spew it’s contents all over the place. This upgrade is indeed intense and I can’t seem to channel all this extra energy no matter how hard I try! If you watch the video, though I sound out of it (brain fog), my eyes are so dang blue! I don’t have a clue why they did that other than to blame all this crazy energy. The whole time I was trying to talk in the video I was spacing out and forgetting things. Talk about La-La land!

Oh, I just remembered. I was told, two days in a row now (keep forgetting) that there are “craft” of the inter-dimensional kind above Ecuador, Spain and Paris, France. I don’t know why They tell me such things. When I asked why, They told me these areas were areas that need attention – unstable energy that looks like jagged lines of green and yellows. Apparently the grid is still in flux and needing reinforcement. How this correlates to what is going on globally is beyond me. I don’t have time to watch the news and if I did my I would likely go into zone-out mode. I would love to hear if you all know, though. Fill me in. 😉

 

 

 

 

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Finding the Cure

I meant to post this yesterday but after the video wild goose chase I waited until this morning. Plus, I had an interesting evening. I’ll share that later.

Anyway, I did a video post on a portion of what happened yesterday, but that is only a small portion of the story.

A memory of a poem I wrote, probably in 1993-94, came to mind quite suddenly yesterday morning. It was fitting, considering I awoke feeling that I couldn’t do much more waiting around. Here is the poem:

I cannot stand this idleness
My mind lies dormant; unfocused, dead
My fears rise higher, capsize and break
like waves of water, receding hate.

In the video I posted, I only mentioned the one poem, but I found several others. I don’t write poetry anymore, but I use to all the time. I also use to draw all the time, too, and I must admit I am not too bad an artist. I’m not sure why I stopped. I had poetry and artwork in the last few pages of my memory book. Seeing/reading them really transported me back in time yet I felt that that girl no longer existed. It is almost like my life back then was a past life not connected at all to the current one I am living.

Here are some other poems:

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From within my soul
blackness thickens,
stealing and spoiling
my good intentions
leaving no feeling
no sorrow, no joy
taking and making
me, its new toy. 

This one had a drawing with it:

Dealing with Dragons

Hot breath of the dead
rides with the wind
to find a fair maiden
whose self cannot fend.

Foulest of creatures
meets bringer of life
no battle or struggle
just internal strife.

Eyes of red fire
look into blue skies
good repels evil
truth reveals lies.

Some other cool info from that year:

A gallon of gas $1.27
A haircut was $6
Concert tickets $20
CDs $14.95
Canned soda $.50
Candy bar $.50
Levi’s jeans $25

Other favorites I listed:

Car: Ford Mustang (lol)
Music: Pearl Jam, Metallica, Guns and Roses, Toad the Wet Sprocket, Alice n’ Chains. Aerosmith, Smashing Pumpkins
TV: Married with Children
Movies: Wayne’s Word, The Adam’s Family Values, Geronimo
Clothing: All black, grunge (hahaha)
Guys: They had to have long hair (what??)
Miscellaneous: peacocks, animals of all kinds, books, dreaming, roses (?), cooking, cookies (lol), eating (LOL), fishing, swimming, hanging out with friends, bowling, going to the movies
Authors I liked: David Eddings, Anne McCaffrey, Tolkien, Piers Anthony. I was really into Fantasy novels and read all.the.time.

I was really active in school, or at least as much as I could be considering my school was so small. I was in One Act Play (yeah no joke) and played tennis. I was also in the Color Guard (captain) and band (saxophone) and a total straight A student. I dropped all of it after graduation, even the straight A student part. I sometimes still play tennis but I am no good at it. lol

Really, though, the song was what I was meant to find when I went to my memory book. What is really synchronistic about the song is that prior to listening to it I had read several posts on the topic of happiness. Then the main words that are heard over and over are “Let’s get happy”. Hmmm Yeah, let’s. The song was a “cure” to my moodiness yesterday.

 

 

 

 

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I Made Videos!

This day has turned around quite quickly. Ask and you shall receive. 🙂

I am currently uploading two videos to my YouTube channel. The first is an introduction and the second is the first of several videos I will be making.

So what happened? Honestly, I don’t know. I was just going about my day and had the idea and the urge to make my first video. At the same time I knew there would be more videos and I knew what they would be about. It was like a complete outline was just there in my head. Presto!

And the second video completely blew my mind. I was not expecting what happened in the video. I am still shaking from it. Unfortunately, so is part of the video! lol

So what was the idea that came to me? Introduce myself – of course – but then I am to return to my past and share what I find with everyone. So, no big deal, right? But where was I led? To my high school memory book! hahaha But I can’t say much more because it will spoil the reveal. My Team is really, really quite shrewd.

I will share with you part of the second video because I can’t actually include it in the video without having editing skills (which I have none of). Here is something I found in my memory book that I had forgotten all about. My favorite song of all time apparently.

It will all make sense once I post the second video. Unfortunately, at the pace the upload is going it will be much, much later today….er tonight.

I’m still shaking. Where did all this energy come from all of a sudden??

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Happy Birthday: 2 Years Strong

WordPress tells me my blog is 2 today. 🙂 Yay!

I wanted to take this time to thank all of you for your support along the way. Thank you to my many lurkers who don’t comment – I know you are there as my stats say it is so.  🙂

I also wanted to thank all the people from across the world who come and visit my blog. The other day the United States, which always ranks #1 for viewers, was pushed from it’s #1 slot by Sweden. 🙂 Then on several days in a row by India. This was a complete shock to me as I had no idea anyone in those countries was taking much interest in what I had to say. So, since I don’t much check stats over time, I looked at last year. In one year over 115 countries visited this blog. Wow.

With birthdays comes the birthday wish. For me, all I wish is to keep writing and to have something spiritually significant and consciousness related to write about. Believe it or not, I don’t want my blog to be about what seems like a never-ending journey down a rabbit hole. I would love for it to have a conclusion. A happy conclusion. Yes, the journey itself will never end – we are infinite beings living a finite experience – but I do hope that this leg of it will conclude and a new journey, one of “wholeness”, will begin. This is my wish for 2016. Tie up loose ends. Finish what I started. Get to the “destination” and then set out on a new adventure, one where I am complete; where I am Home wherever I am.

I hope you will continue to join me and share your own experiences along the way.

 

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Birth and Death

I had a multiple choice question presented to me this morning. It just appeared in my mind as clear as day while I cuddled with my youngest after being awakened way too early.

The question appeared like this:

Which is the most difficult?

A. Birth

B. Marriage

C. Children

D. Death

My answer woke me up. I responded instantaneously: Birth. Hahahaha

I am not 100% sure that the middle two options are accurate. I have no doubt about options A and D.

I honestly think we never really get over being born, at least I never really did. I am still adjusting. My mom likes to tell the story of my birth because I was her most difficult delivery. Why? I was born breech and back then they didn’t just automatically give a c-section. They had my mom deliver me and it was no easy task. Apparently my butt came out first. LOL I like to say in response to my mom’s story, “I changed my mind and tried to crawl back in.”

Unlike most people, I have memory of my birth. The main memory of it is the pain of being squished. I got a horrible charlie horse. My left foot cramped up when I re-experienced my birth and did not settle down until I had gone over it several times. I remember the bright lights hurting my eyes. Then the cold and the warmth as they wrapped me in a blanket. Then the most beautiful sky blue eyes and an instant calm. I was later told my grandmother was the first to hold me. Her eyes were the color of the sky.

Though physical birth is difficult, it is far from the end.

I look forward to death. Just saying. I think of all of the options, death is the easiest. We get to go Home. We get to rest and celebrate our life accomplishments. Every time someone in my life dies I am jealous. I don’t grieve their passing like everyone else. I celebrate their homecoming. They are the lucky ones. I hope that when I leave this body and return Home my family and friends will celebrate with me rather than grieve for me.