Tag Archives: dream symbolism

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Message: There’s a Ghost Inside Me

I continue to be really tired. Mostly it manifests as me sleeping in every morning and waking up feeling as if I took a sleeping pill – groggy, heavy eyelids, lingering in bed. Once I wake up I am okay. The third-eye and crown chakra activity has subsided and the Kundalini appears to be taking a break.

Dreamwork

The dreamwork continues but most of the dreams I have are lost upon waking now. I am just too tired to care. This morning one dream lingered upon waking along with a song and a sense that the “opportunity” that I had many syncs and dreams indicating was coming, has already come and gone. I missed it, I guess, and a part of me is kicking myself for it.

This morning’s dream goes along with a dream theme that has been recurrent for some time now: Montana. The dream scene varies, sometimes it is beautiful and green and other times covered in ice and snow. Sometimes I am in a large, log cabin or inside a structure of some sort, but most of the time I am out in the mountains or flying over them. Just talking about it brings to mind so many vivid experiences – watching a whale flying through the sky, traveling with a group to a lodge cabin mansion, and meeting up with a man at the top of a mountain while surrounded by hundreds of cats (yeah! lol).

Montana appears to symbolize my own, personal spiritual journey. I connect the mountains with being Home, a place that, to me, has a special feeling of “arrival”, peace, release and acceptance.

Dream: Modge Podge Montana

This entire dream took place inside a very large lodge (feeling stuck in life) in the mountains of Montana (spiritual journey). I did not go outside, so I never actually saw the mountains.

I was with a group of individuals, most unfamiliar to me in this life. I recall being with my current family as well as with my ex-husband’s family, specifically his mother. The dream seemed to mix the two life experiences as if to show me the similarities. I believe I was speaking with someone about what was transpiring in the dream, as if narrating while also being a participant.

I woke up in the dream and went out to the main area of the lodge. A group was gathered, among them my current husband and my ex-MIL. My husband told me he was leaving for the day with his friends, a group of guys who stood behind him. In the dream I was upset and protested very loudly in front of everyone (something my husband hates). My main complaint was that he often left for the entire day without warning, leaving me with all three of our children and no help. I complained that I would have to hire a sitter if I needed to anything outside of the house, either that or take them all with me. I felt overwhelmed and dumped upon by him. I also didn’t know what to do without him with me. Without him, I felt unable to do anything on my own, as if I was frozen in place.

My ex-MIL came to his defense. In real life she was very passive aggressive, which often infuriated me because no one else seemed to notice but me. To everyone else she was loving and wonderful but to me she was intent on separating me and her son.

My husband, whose appearance kept morphing between my ex and current husband, left and I sulked for a bit, all the memories of the injustices I suffered at the hands of my ex-MIL coming to mind mixed with the issues I have with my current MIL.

As I mulled over it all, emotions surfaced and mixed together leaving me feeling overwhelmed. The main emotion I felt was abandoned. I remember discussing my need to be with my partner, to feel included and supported. When left alone I managed, but the loneliness always got to me and I often grew angry and depressed. When my ex would come back from weeks or months away I struggled with being happy at his return to being resentful for his leaving me. I often felt that it would have been better had he never returned so I would not have to go through the upset of him leaving all over again, and again, and again.

Then there was my ex-MIL and her constant meddling. In the dream this played out as me seeing her spread rumors about me to the others in the lodge. In real life she would call up her son and tell him negative things about me, insert doubt into his mind about our marriage and me, all the while under the guise of being his loving and caring mother. The dream revealed to me just how much hurt this caused me but at the time it infuriated me and likely made me look all the worse in the eyes of my ex-husband. Years later and after our divorce, my ex told me he rarely spoke to his mom because he realized what she was up to. Too late for us but at least she was found out.

In the midst of all this distant past memory was the present, seeming to mix and merge, revealing the many similarities of the two.

At one point in the dream a group of Native Americans approached. There was a little girl (inner child) and a very, very old woman (the crone) with them. The old woman was to be healed via a special ceremony that involved packing her entire pelvic region in clay and letting it harden. I remember being very kind to the old woman, holding her hand and the hand of the little girl and walking across a wooden bridge toward their camp. There was a medicine man with us explaining the old woman’s ailment. I laughed when I realized the clay was to help her have a bowel movement (release of old habits and patterns) and commented on how ingenious it was.

There was a whole other dream scene after this inside an elementary school (lessons). I remember a young boy stepping on my heels and twisting his ankle. I sent him to the nurse but was told he often purposefully hurt himself to get attention and was shown a huge pile of nurse slips from his many attempts. The whole time I had two female teachers accompanying me and seeming to act as guides.

Considerations

When I woke I realized I had slept straight through the night. This is unusual for me. I usually wake 2-3 times. A song was going through my mind, specifically “there’s a ghost inside me”.

My daughter knew the song and listened to it with me this morning. She did not know what a “spectre” was. I told her it meant “ghost” and showed her the definition. In telling her this, I was reminded of a dream I had not long ago where I witnessed a part of me who I could not control. She was at first a white horse and then morphed into a ghost and left with a ghost man. I recognized that the song was referring to “the ghost inside me”, this white woman who seemed outside of my control, wild, and free – like a horse.

Similarly, a couple of nights ago I had a short visual in a dream of me opening a gate and releasing an entire herd of horses and not long before that a dream of one horse being released and running free.

Finally, I was reminded of another dream I had not long ago. It was short and made no sense at the time. I was flying around a city center above a road that circled a fountain. In order to get home I had to take a highway but when I got to it, it was closed. I was told I could only enter if I had someone with me. I agreed and was allowed to pass. This memory in turn reminded me of all the dreams and syncs occurring at the time indicating “opportunity” was coming.

Everything seemed to point out to me that my opportunity came and I turned it down.

As you can imagine I was not in a good mood after all this.

In reflecting on the dream, music message and resulting memories, I am reminded of other recent events. It all points to me being or feeling unable to move; feeling stuck. I recognize it is my own doing. A visual comes to mind of a woman in quicksand refusing a stick held out to her.

It seems that these two tarot spreads are playing out, just not like I thought they would. This one especially:

IMG_3164

 

 

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Preparation Dreams

Well, I hate to say it, but I’m going through another “upgrade”. There’s no other explanation for the tiredness, constant chakra activity and intense dreams. Thankfully, for me at least, this is a teeny, tiny one…..or maybe I am just so use to them that it takes one hell of a beating for me to notice now days? 😀

First, More Syncs

Yesterday, I posted a dream I had where I received the message, “You are her.” I posted early that morning and then within an hour of arriving at work, a co-worker brought up the Harry Potter books. If you read that dream account then you know that I was going to see Harry Potter in the dream. lol So that was the first sync.

This morning, though, I came across a memorial post about Princess Diana. Not only is that in and of itself a sync, but so is the date of her passing as posted on the memorial: August 31, 1997. The date of my dream was August 31st (yesterday). Also, the year 1997 recently came up for me as well.

These kinds of syncs are becoming more and more common. I have a dream and then very soon after something in life reflects part of the dream back to me.

This is the video I saw this morning:

Last night I was working in my dreams, and not self-work, group work.

Wedding Preparation Dream  

I was preparing for my wedding (union), putting on my gown and doing my hair and makeup. I remember seeing my veil (what I’m trying to hide) – a short one that did not go below my shoulders. I also remember that my bra (support) was flowered and wrapped around my neck like a bathing suit top. The dress itself was white and flowing – traditional – and also wrapped around my neck. The groom was tall and fair haired. I recall feeling apprehensive and talking to the groom while getting ready for the ceremony.

New Contract Dream 

In this dream I was traveling with a group in a war-torn country – my country. Everything was covered in dust and there was no greenery as if we were in a desert but I knew it was this way because of war. The road we traveled was also dirt. There were no cars but it felt as if we traveled in many cars, like the “cars” were our bodies.

I recall working with a woman who was a yoga (harmony and balance) instructor. She was helping others by teaching them yoga to help with stress relief. I knew she was one of the many leaders and that she had organized her own group with their own mission.

I also recall coming to a check point and being stopped and told to fuel (energy, rest) up because where we were going there would be no fuel available. I questioned this, suggesting we skip it and move on. My group overruled me, opting to fill up their vehicles (which were not present in the dream) to be on the safe side.

Then I was presented with a written contract indicating that a portion of our group had decided to break away from the other. It was not a rebellion but a decision made by several members (the majority). At the bottom there were maybe a dozen, hand-written names, which were familiar to me in the dream. The contract stated that individuals listed were not to be a part of this new group and contract. My name was not listed and I voiced my agreement with the contract and what is specified.

Battle Plan Dream

In this dream I was sitting at a table inside a cafe somewhere. It felt like a scene from a movie. Across from me was a good looking black man who, in the dream, resembled Will Smith. We were both huddled over a large map (path) or blueprint discussing the coming changes and our individual and group roles. He mentioned to me the timeline and I interjected saying, “I thought it wasn’t until this Fall.” He said in response, “It is and it is almost time.” With his words came a telepathic reminder that today is September 1st. In the dream I held my breath briefly as I realized he was right and said, “Oh, yeah….”

Something about our conversation and the reminder of the date and why it was important brought me near full lucidity. With this awareness I was able to sense this man’s energy. It was familiar and attractive to me but not to the point that I was feeling intense energy. It was just familiar. This awareness caused me to wonder about his physical world condition – his age, his relationship status, etc. With my curiosity came immediate answers and I realized he was much, much older than he looked. I said to him, “You are 22 years older than me? But you look so young!” He immediately recognized my interest and sent back that he was in a relationship. I felt the relationship – their history together, his devotion and love, etc. The information/Knowing was instantaneous. Then I felt him suggest we get back to work but I was overcome with embarrassment for some reason. I felt humiliated and a wave of emotion washed over me. I remember thinking, “Why do they always have to be so much older than me? Why am I so young? What is wrong with me?” LOL (I laugh now but I was very upset in the dream). My thoughts were a jumble of considerations about physical world limitations. It was difficult for me to see this man as 64 years old when his energy was so young and vibrant. It made me wonder if all the people on my team were old (lol) and suddenly age was a big deal for some reason.

I started to cry in the dream and it woke me up, tears still streaming from my eyes. I heard people talking as I fell into the in-between. They were discussing the coming “storm” and asked me a question. In the midst of answering I forgot what we were discussing. My mind went blank. One of the voices said, “Oh, she’s awake now.” The telepathic sense here was that once physical awareness is reached certain topics cannot be discussed.

The same Nora Jones song was going through my mind when I woke. Specifically the lyrics:

Out across an endless sea 
I would die in ecstasy,
But I’ll be a bag of bones
driving down the road alone. 

Considerations

I wasn’t expecting to wake up crying over something like that. It was a surprise considering how good I’ve been feeling lately. Yes, I’m tired, and likely hormonal (lol), which doesn’t help. The way the emotion hit me in the dream, it was like it walked in from the left and just took over; like another aspect woke up and brought with her a whole flood of emotions.

The emotion was enough to send me back to asking to go Home (sigh). It can be so difficult to wake up to this harsh reality when the other reality, the one where we are ageless and unlimited (the endless sea of ecstasy), is right there and obvious. It is like I can see it through a pane of glass, but while in this body I can’t touch it and am forced to live in a reality with so many limitations. The biggest surge of emotion came from knowing I walk this path alone (a bag of bones) and that those connections I feel when I am on the other side of that pane of glass will likely never be realized within the confines of this physical reality. So a part of me grieves continuously for the perceived loss.

Regardless of my grief, it is obvious that something is coming and I am being prepared for it. And, lo and behold, another sync greeted me this morning. A post on WP had the title, “Remain Calm as the Storm Approaches”. Then another titled, “Hope Your Rested”. Both were about the upcoming “storm”.

The “Hope Your Rested” post fits nicely with the part in my dream where I was being forced to “fuel up”. I’ve been having lots of dreams with fuel in them. Fuel = recharge, rest, refuel, take time out to rebuild your energy. Just three days ago I was advised to return to yoga and stop all high intensity exercise temporarily (over the weekend).

My mind is still lingering on the last dream and the upset I felt in realizing my friend in Spirit was so much older than me in the physical. The humiliation/embarrassment I felt was the result of recognizing just how obvious my loneliness must be to those I interact with OOB. I sensed a desperation in myself and as a result was ashamed at my weakness and inability to cope with the limitations of this physical reality and form. I am better than that. I know this. Yet it is still there and to be confronted with it in such a way was humbling. I was also jealous that my friend had a partner in his physical life and was happy and content with the life he had. That is why I was wondering, “What is wrong with me?” It was clear that he was not struggling like I am.

 

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Dream: You are HER

This week I have been more tired than usual. Additionally, my third-eye and crown chakras – well my entire head and at times all the way down my neck and into my ears – has been buzzing with energy. Even as I type this my third-eye is buzzing. It is non-stop. I’ve only experienced my third-eye buzzing continuously like this one other time, I think in 2015 (not sure) and at that time it went on for at least a month straight.

Odd Dreams

I have been tired, sleeping deeply and having very vivid dreams. Here are a few snippets of dreams from the week:

I was in Montana (spiritual awareness) at a resort (pun on last resort). It was winter and snowing (frozen progress). Outside were two rectangular, shallow pools or fountains (joy, new relationship), parallel to one another. The water was clear and calm (clarity). I saw two small, tropical fish (insight) in the water, one was orange and the other purple. They seemed to be seeking each other out and I was fascinated by them, especially the orange fish.

I recall preparing oatmeal for one of my kids. I was cooking it and went to make more. I scooped out the last from the container and saw worms in it. They were like mealworms but flat. Oatmeal = sameness, comfort, groundedness. The worms indicate I am ready for new experiences.

In another dream I was being given sheet music to sing. My mom sang with me and I swear it was the song “Shake it Out”. I remember being told something about “three feet above” and seeing a man holding his hand way up over his head.

Dreams – No Legs

I had two dreams involving cutting off of legs. The first was of Trooper (my deceased Australian Shepherd). I only remember now that I was in a restaurant that also looked like my grandmother’s house. Trooper needed surgery on his leg. I told the vet to just remove all of his legs. Then I went about the dream, doing things I can’t remember now. What woke me was that I remembered I had said to remove all the legs and thought, “He will die!” I woke up a bit panicked because of it and then thought it really odd symbolism. Dogs are protection or a “best friend”. Without legs they can’t move. Maybe I am trying to “immobilize” my protection?

Then I had a whole dream about a friend and in the dream who either had no leg or was losing a leg. It is hard to recall now. In this dream, no leg means a failing relationship.

Dream: You are HER

This morning’s dream was in the UK. I was with a young boy and we were guests of the Queen, only she was very young. The boy was asked what he wanted to do. He said he wanted to meet Harry Potter (magic perhaps?) so the Queen got us tickets to a live show. On our way to the city we were prepped, given gloves (how I handle things) to wear because we were traveling with the Queen. I was given a pair of tanned leather gloves and put them on.

When we arrived in the city I recall it being familiar. Then I was shown a long, hand-written letter from the Queen. I don’t remember what it said now but it was signed, “HER”. When I read it I read “her” but I saw “HRM” and knew it meant, “Her Royal Majesty”. In my mind I saw flashes of Princess Diana and it confused me because I knew she never became Queen.

As I woke, I heard, “You are HER.” My crown and root chakra were buzzing intensely and in unison. My thoughts upon waking were that “Queen” represents the Divine Feminine.

Dream: Stolen Bag

This dream was mostly in the dark (low awareness). I arrived at work, which was Wal-Mart. I was glad it was dark because I was tired. My shift started at 6:30am. I sat at a table and drifted to sleep, aware of people walking past that could not see me. At one point the lights began to turn on ahead of me. I saw a crowd of customers and a cashier with a long line. I got up to report for work. Another cashier was trying to get a new eraser (clearing up mistakes). I suggested she use paper towels (temporary setback).

Then I went back to my table to get my stuff. I had left my bag (life responsibilities) and phone (communication) there. The tables were completely full and I couldn’t find my stuff. I searched but found nothing and hoped someone had grabbed it and put it in a locker for me. I criticized myself for not locking it up and worried someone was going to deplete my account using my debit card.

I went outside and saw a man working on a truck (work), siphoning gas (energy, spirituality) out of it. I backed off as a stream of gas went high into the air.

Then back inside it was dark again and I heard someone singing. I complimented the girl, telling her she sounded like Nora Jones. She was singing, Don’t Know Why. I heard the part, “My heart is drenched in wine” but instead of “wine” I heard “white”. The girl thanked me but as she walked by I realized she was a he.

 

 

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Dream: Baby Roller Coaster

I’ve been really, really tired lately and needing more sleep than usual. I suspect all the Kundalini healing and energy necessitates that I get more sleep than usual. I love to sleep, so I don’t mind.

The Kundalini was quiet last night and I was able to get a nice, restful sleep. Dream recall is spotty, though. I didn’t remember any dreams until this afternoon, on my way to have lunch with my daughter at her school, a song came on the radio that I had never heard before. The lyrics that stood out to me were, “Roller coaster”. It was said over and over again in the song and it triggered a dream memory.

Here’s the song:

Dream: Baby Roller Coaster

In the dream I was with a man walking outside. I remember green grass and a vivid blue sky. Our conversation is lost to me except the part about the construction of a roller coaster. We were planning where to put it and I pointed to an elevated area. We stepped through a kind of portal or doorway and it took us from the green field to a spacious area but I am not sure if it was outside or inside because all I remember of it is the color off white or gray.

As we transitioned into the large, open space the roller coaster seemed to materialized all at once. The beginning of it was at the elevated area I had suggested which was no higher than counter height. I remember explaining that it had to start high up to give the car enough speed to make it to the end. Then I watched as a woman sat inside a tiny seat and strapped herself in with a couple of seat belts. I watched as she road the roller coaster to the end, noting there were not many steep hills or fast curves. I said, “It’s a baby roller coaster”. I was informed that we were working our way up to larger, faster ones. I was excited about that and remember seeing blueprints for future roller coasters we would be constructing.

Then it was my turn. I was put in the car and set upon the track but instead of the starting point, I was placed at the finishing point. I did not wear a seat belt. Someone pushed me a bit and the car rolled slowly up the track but one of the wheels came off the track and I slid off and over onto my butt, falling only a couple of inches to the ground. I remember thinking it odd that they would put me on going the wrong way but I never protested, just sat looking at the roller coaster track thinking I wasn’t going to go anywhere starting at the finish.

Considerations

Overall, I think the dream is positive. A roller coaster is life’s ups and downs. The more hills and drops, the more crazy the life experiences. The roller coaster in this dream was very mild, a “baby roller coaster”. Therefore, the life experiences would be much less dramatic, more calm and smooth, but still fun and exhilarating. The fact that I was planning more roller coasters indicates more experiences are on the horizon, but nothing intense just yet. The blueprints point to a bit bigger ride next go round but still one that qualifies as “baby”. 😉 The part at the end, where I am set at the end of the ride, suggests that I am realizing the ride is officially over.

I believe this dream is a reflection of what I just experienced, specifically from August 12th through August 27th. I just finished a wild, Kundalini ride that was unusual and unexpected in so many ways. The experience was a mixture of physical and spiritual, catalyzed by a physical world connection, ultimately culminating in a massive healing event. It was an exhilarating thrill-ride through Kundalini bliss-land. Yet there was nothing crazy or illogical about it. I was completely calm and collected throughout. The energy dynamics were intense, yes, but there were no major drops or dips, no manic highs….just like the “baby roller coaster” in the dream.

In the end I am left in awe and blown away once again by this amazing ascension journey I find myself on. This experience has me wanting to explore further the deep connections we have with one another, soul connections that exist beyond the limits of time and space. I have witnessed a part of myself that is without fear, that is willing to experience the Divine in all things, that is open and vulnerable while at the same time passionate and fiery, ready to consume and be consumed.

It is clear to me now that my experiences over the last few years have profoundly changed me for the better. I am excited for the next roller coaster ride. I’m ready!

 

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Full Moon Kundalini Healing

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been asking for help from my guidance with a blockage in my second chakra. Well, last night, the first night of the Pisces full moon, the source of the blockage revealed itself.

Kundalini Healing

Early on in the evening, around 1am, I was awakened from a dream in which I was communicating with my 10-year-old self. What I recall of the conversation has faded now, but I believe I was helping her feel comfortable with her feelings.

When I awoke a male presence was attending to me; assisting me with healing. His energy was huge and when I acknowledged him the energy felt to flood through my own, blending and braiding into it. The rising energy that resulted revealed the blockage in my second chakra and another at my third. The Kundalini energy swirled and moved around for over an hour, covering me in a blanket of bliss and love while also working to gently pry open blocks in my energy.

Dream: Haunted House

My husband and I were invited to his friend’s house. He spent a while trying to get me to remember who they were, where their house was and how we knew them. I couldn’t remember, though.

We traveled along the road at night toward their house. I wasn’t in a car, but hovering mid-air, looking down a massive hill (experiencing a regression). In my mind I thought it would be fun to ride on a skateboard (seeking to make light of a situation) down the hill but knew it would be too fast. Why this part is in the dream, I am unsure.

When we arrived at the house it was enormous and very dark, with dark wood paneling and furniture. I went to help some children prepare dinner, a pork loin (seeking normalcy), and as I did so noticed there were quite a few cats roaming around. I also noticed some strange movements from the cats. They seemed to see something I couldn’t. I realized the house was likely haunted.

As the night progressed I learned we were to spend the night. Everyone left me in the living area alone with the cats. I lay down on the sofa to try to get some sleep. When I did this the Kundalini energy enveloped my entire body in bliss. As the energy began to rise, I began to lose myself to it. Unfortunately, an orange cat jumped directly on my lap, stopping the rise of energy. It looked startled and I wondered if the Kundalini had anything to do with it. Right then, I heard a noise and got up, walking toward the back of the house to see if I could find anyone. The front door was wide open making banging noises as I walked past it.

orange cat

In the back of the house I located many bedrooms but could not find my husband’s room. Some of the family we were staying with were sitting around and asked me if I needed anything. I told them noises woke me, that I thought their house was haunted. They said they knew about the ghosts and not to worry. I mentioned that I could speak to Spirit and asked if they wanted my help. They agreed and I attempted to make contact. I told the woman I sensed that I could help her but if she didn’t cooperate we would force her to leave.

Whatever I did upset the cats and they began to act strange. I knew this was not a good sign and opted to try and get some sleep. I found a bedroom and lay down but was interrupted by my husband. I snapped at him, telling him I was tired (not wanting to confront something), and he left. When I attempted sleep the Kundalini energy came back in a rush up my spine, hitting my second chakra in waves like contractions. Each contraction hit my physical body solidly. There was some pain felt and by the last contraction I had a vision. A black woman appeared, standing with her hands on her hips and said, “I want him out!!!”

This vision shook me to my core because I recognized the woman.

I sat up, still dreaming, and slowly got out of bed. The scene shifted as I stood. At my feet were my clothes and I was completely naked. My lower body ached. I stiffly reached down for my shorts, which were white. My underwear was missing and a partially soaked tampon was on the floor next to my shorts. My memory here is of being mistreated and left humiliated, but I am not sure on the details.

When I left the room my husband was there complaining about my lateness. He had hired someone to replace me and was telling me how tired he was of my behavior. I turned to him, my voice cracking with emotion, “You don’t know what I’ve been through!!”

Wounds Revealed

I slowly woke from the dream a bit shocked at what it had revealed to me. My first thought was that the black woman was from a life I only partially recalled. I was not yet a woman, so about 11-12 years old. I was attacked and gang raped by a group of white boys. To keep me from screaming, one of the men put his foot on my throat. I ended up with a crushed windpipe but somehow survived, pretending to be dead until they left. I crawled home where my mother tended to my wounds. I am not sure if I ever regained my voice.

But then another life came to mind, a life in which I was also a black woman. In that life, which ended in 1963, I endured years of emotional and physical abuse by my husband. In fact, that past life memory came to me spontaneously after waking from meditation. I looked in the mirror and saw my old self – a petite, black woman with a very swollen black eye. Ultimately, in that life I shot my husband in the shoulder with a shotgun because I discovered he had been molesting our daughter. I told him to, “Get out!” after I shot him.

My best guess is that the issue in my second chakra stems from the life where I was gang raped but I am not 100% certain that the two lives mentioned above are not the same life.

The revealing of the source of the blockage is just the first step. I’m not sure how the rest will unfold but I may end up reliving that life, aspects as of yet unseen, in order to resolve and heal the wound. I suspect a decision was made, one that was strong enough that it prevents me from ever opening up to a man fully.

 

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1986

Oh where to start?! This has been another humdinger of a week, hasn’t it? And tomorrow is the full moon. I think: Already? lol It just seems like we go from one intense “event” to another lately.

1986

In all my life, I don’t think I have had such an intense August, not, at least, since my 10th year (1986). The intensity in 1986 was different, more physical than spiritual, though I have been told by astrologers that it was spiritually significant, too, a kind of spiritual awakening all of it’s own. My memory of that year is only of change, lots of change and much of it unwanted.

Firstly, we moved three hours from the only home I had ever known to relocate on family land in Central Texas. So it was my first ever move in this lifetime. I spent a good decade coming to terms with that move, too. My mom opted to move me and my sisters on the advice of a therapist, my therapist. The therapist had diagnosed me as emotionally disturbed, the main cause being my father and his emotionally abusive ways. She said I needed to be as far away from my dad as possible. Far enough that he would be unwilling to make the trip and to see me and my sisters on the weekends.

That summer I spent a couple of weeks with my dad in Houston. My sisters and I stayed with him at his apartment the whole time. My memories of this time are mixed, emotionally and physically. I remember helping my dad work on one of his cars. I rebuilt a carburetor all by myself after watching him take it apart. I liked working on cars with my dad and that memory especially is very strong. Though I have many bad memories of my dad, this is one of the good ones.

The next strongest memory I have is of a little girl I befriended while I was there. She was the same age as me and we hung out together in her apartment. Her parents were gone all day at work so it was just me and her. I have never told anyone this but she was my first ever sexual “partner”. Now don’t overreact, I was 10, so there was not much sexually going on with me, but I was curious and so was she. There was no removal of clothing, no kissing, just exploration – touching and fondling and, well, that is enough description, you get the idea. I remember she showed me her mother’s secret stash of Playgirl magazines. There were piles of them! I think those images will be ingrained in my memory for life. lol This little girl was the one who suggested we explore our bodies together, in a very innocent sorta way. I recall that I was hesitant. In fact, the emotion that is strongest is a feeling that I was being “bad” and that if anyone found out I would surely be spanked. lol The other thing I remember is that I liked how it made me feel. Again, the horror, right? My poor 10-year-old mind was in overdrive.

I would not be surprised if that little girl realized at a some point that she preferred women to men.

Ultimately, I was freaked out and avoided going back into the girl’s apartment just in case she tried to pressure me into more experimentation. It scared me, but mostly, my own reaction scared me because I liked her, I like how she made me feel, and I wanted more.

I had my very own camera at the time and snapped dozens and dozens of photographs, many of my newfound friend. Every time I look at them in old albums I pause when I see this little girl. I can’t remember her name but a part of me wonders where she is now, how she is doing and what her memories are from that time. As I think back on it even now, I think it likely she and I were meant to meet that summer. Maybe for her? Maybe for me? Maybe both?

The other memory I have is the most traumatic of them all. Toward the end of our visit, about a day or two before he was to drive us to our new home, my dad made it clear he had no intention of taking us home. My dad at the time could be very emotionally cruel. He had not wanted a divorce and often used us to get back at our mom. His announcement caused a very strong reaction in me. I was so terrified, in fact, that I demanded he let me call my mom. The memory is hazy but I believe whatever I said or threatened (likely the latter) convinced him to let me call my mom. When I got on the phone I was hysterical, telling my mom what he was threatening and crying that I wanted to come home. In my mind I was going through all kinds of scenarios trying to figure out how I could get home on my own. Honestly, I was prepared to go knock on a neighbor’s door and tell them what was going and call the police. I think I threatened my dad with this and that it was why he ultimately gave in and took us home. The whole drive home I was antsy. I couldn’t wait to get as far away from him as I could.

Back to the Present – 2018

When I started writing this post I had no intention of traveling back to 1986. None. Yet it came flowing out and now that it has, I know why.

This month, like I’ve already said, has been intense. This week especially has been drudging up all kinds of thoughts and emotions, all linked to my first two chakras. Yesterday, I woke up with an old whiplash injury flaring up. The area around my left shoulder blade tends to get sore when I am stressed out. It has not been an issue for a long while, so I knew it meant I needed to relax and unwind. So, I went out to eat with my husband and had two Long Island Iced Teas. I immediately began to relax. Mostly I laughed a whole lot. Everything was funny.

My husband and I talked about the Kundalini energy for a while. He continues to think this energy is just sexual attraction and my wanting to leave him for another man. He said he believed the minute I found someone else I would leave him, that I have just been waiting for the opportunity to go. I told him, “Maybe I already have and chose you instead?” He wanted to know why I would choose him and I told him that Kundalini attraction tends toward reactivity; it is ungrounded. I explained that our relationship is the opposite. It is solid and logical in comparison. I said that I am looking for a mixture of the two, a nice blend of the intense Kundalini fire and the non-reactive, groundedness, like what we have.

As we talked and I explained the Kundalini fire and attraction, the word “folly” popped into my mind. I said there was a quote about folly and love. We both immediately searched Google for it. This is what came up:

Love is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise | Picture Quotes
We both got a good laugh out of it. It felt like he understood me. Finally.

Oddly, there was this sign behind the bar that caught my eye. I ended up staring at it for a long time and finally just snapped a photo. See if you can figure out why:

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Look at the year. 1997. Yeah, weird. I mentioned it to my husband and we talked about what we were doing in 1997 on the drive home. I was married to my ex and living in Alabama. Though I didn’t mention it to my husband (he knows), I had a near affair with one of my ex’s friends at that time. Another memory I prefer to bury. Not my best year.

What were you doing in 1997?

When we got home, I went on a long walk with my daughter and our dog, Monty. I laughed while we walked in a huge field behind a church and let Monty roam free. Here are some photos of our walk:

 

 

 

For some crazy reason the two drinks lingered in my system much longer than they should have. I was still tipsy at around 10pm! I fell asleep easily and slept until almost 9am.

Dream: We are One, We are Many

Prior to bed I asked for help with some current issues I’ve been having. I have become acutely aware of a major blockage in my second chakra and I can’t seem to break it loose. I asked for insight into the reasons for this.

In this dream I entered a library (search for knowledge) and stopped at the front counter where the clerk sat. She was a nice looking blonde woman in her mid-thirties, early forties. She seemed to know me and I her.

In front of me on the counter were piles of typed documents (discovery, self-realization), blog posts that I had not posted yet. In the dream the pile was spread out on the counter but in my mind I was going through them on my cell phone while also physically sorting them. At one point I came across a document that I had not typed. In fact, I knew someone must have hacked into my phone. I skimmed through it and saw that it made little sense but then my eyes stopped on the end. There, clear as day, were the words, “We are One, We are Many.” I knew, then, that it was a message from my guidance, likely a channeled message. Sadly, I only recall the end line now. 😦

Then, the blonde woman picked up a business card that was laying with my documents and said, “I’m going to call him.” I panicked and grabbed the card. I told her that it was mine, from a friend. She inquired about him and I said he and I had a connection. She said, “Ah…I get it!” I mentioned a name, but the name I said was the name of my loan officer who just helped us close on our refinance. lol The whole time a song was playing but I can’t remember it now. It was a mixture of heavy metal and rock/pop.

Then I was watching the blonde woman talking to my MIL. They appeared to be friends. The blonde lady agreed to meet my MIL at 7:30am the next day. Their conversation revealed that they met up often and that the blonde woman was trying to earn extra money. When I heard she needed money I asked her if she was struggling. She said she was. I immediately got out my billfold and pulled out a wad of money. It was a mixture of bills but I knew there was a $100 bill inside. I thought maybe I would ask her to close her eyes and pick one but then decided I would just give her the $100 (success is within your reach). I handed it to her and told her, “There’s no need to worry.” The woman took it but never said thank you. She walked over to her purse and said something about using it for her violin (peace and harmony).

I awakened with a heavy energy covering my body. I knew the message about money was from me, to me. My guidance often told me that I will always have enough. Money would not be an issue. I also knew the message “We are One, We are Many” was from my guidance. They have said this often.

This song was going through my head, specifically the “whatever it takes”:

The fire and water elements in the video are not lost on me. Nor is the message.

August has been exactly that: Fire and Water.

For some odd reason, when I woke I knew that the solution to my second chakra problem is feminine energy. This consideration seemed like a breakthrough to me. It made total sense. If the issue is a feminine one, which is likely considering it’s location in the energy body, then masculine energy would only aggravate the problem, forcing something that force alone created. What is needed to pry it loose is feminine energy.

Back to 1986

And so, now you see why that memory from 1986 came up. I do not think it coincidence that I would wake up thinking I needed to connect with another woman, to use the feminine energy to heal and bring me back to wholeness, only to have memory of doing exactly that over 20 years ago come to mind.

If you look at my memories from that year, you see potent, feminine, sexual energy, newly awakened in me, paired with trauma, trauma caused by the masculine energy, that of my father. There is intermixed with it all a confusion resulting from this energy, a confusion that was never resolved, and a decision made by me to bury the memory, the “shame”.

Add to this memory the recent reconnection I had with my best friend from high school, and it all seems perfectly obvious and clear: Feminine energy is needed now, not masculine.

The first conclusion one might draw is that I need to get with a woman energetically or even physically; have a repeat of 1986. I don’t know if that is necessary. It could also mean that I need to tap into my own feminine energy somehow. But then I don’t know how I can do that.

Any suggestions appreciated.

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Update and Dream: Moving Out

Before I begin, a little update on the refinance issue I mentioned in my last post. Well, turns out that it was all a misunderstanding. The money was always there but it was just in two different places and the notary knew nothing about it so couldn’t have explained it. Our loan officer had been out of town all week. His dad passed away. So he couldn’t have helped us last week either. When our loan officer called me he apologized and quickly explained what had happened. So the money is coming as expected. Nothing was wrong to begin with. Mercury retrograde miscommunication and confusion but thankfully not anything big or dramatic.

So that was an easily resolved situation – well there was no situation at all!

Then my day spent working at home presented some minor challenges. Mostly it was that my youngest needed me and then when my other two came home from school, work was near impossible with after school snacks, friends coming over and just them wanting/needing my time. It is doable, though, and required a bit more self-control than I thought, but I will be fine. It is only two days a week right now and I think I will leave it that way. The distractions of working at home make my job take longer than it would otherwise. Ever been interrupted repeatedly when trying to do calculations? Yeah, difficult. lol

The Kundalini has muted a bit, providing me with some much-needed sleep. It is still present, though. For example, I will wake in the middle of the night with my entire body alive with energy. Last night it swirled around every chakra it seemed. A nice, pleasant warm feeling. It was if I was being massaged by energy. Images flashed along with it, including one of a group of bluish tinged beings, but I mostly recall a vague sense that a kind of energetic surgery was being performed on me.

Physically my entire mid-section is achy. This is not abnormal for this time in my monthly cycle. I have had ovulation pain for a while. I think it began sometime in 2016. The pain is unique. In fact, I don’t have anything to compare it to. It feels like my insides are inflamed and irritated. This month the ache is lasting much longer than usual and with it is intestinal upset. Most likely that is the Kundalini’s fault.

Shipping Supplies - Styrofoam Packing Peanuts

Dream: Moving Out

I slept deeply and had many dreams, but most I forgot upon waking. The one I recall most had a muted energetic element to it.

The beginning of the dream was of me arriving home with a load of groceries (fulfillment). It seemed like a storm was coming so I hurried into the garage and began to unload the car. Strangely, the storm seemed to be inside the garage with me. I recall that when it started to rain I was pummeled with tons of light, white Styrofoam balls – packing material (popcorn). Trying to avoid it, I stepped back to where the roof seemed to not be leaking (new information is revealing itself) but the storm only intensified and the white balls came down in sheets over the top of me (truth being revealed).

I concluded that the roof of my house was in desperate need of repair. It may even be near collapse. Realizing my predicament, I quickly left the garage and went inside the house.

Inside the house was dark and I don’t recall much except that my neighbors came by for a visit. A nice man and his wife visited with me for a bit. We mainly spoke of religion but I don’t remember much except his religion and him trying to persuade me to explore it. They invited me over to their house for a visit and pointed across the street. There I saw a house under construction (rebuilding of life). The roof was without any shingles; plywood only. This is when I noticed I was standing in the basement (subconscious) of my house and the walls were only partially painted (untapped creativity), like renovations were never completed.

I ended up going over to the neighbor’s house. The whole time I had this attraction to the man, though it was quite muted. It materialized as an interest only and it was reciprocated. He kept touching me in a familiar way. His wife didn’t seem to care and it became apparent as the dream progressed that their “religion” included an open marriage.

The scene flashed and it was six years later. I was living with them. What happened to my husband and family, I don’t know, but I knew in the dream that I had left them. My new family consisted of myself, the wife, the husband, and their children. I saw myself as pregnant but then not, like I was more than one person.

The most memorable part here was of a bathroom (cleansing, renewal). The floors were dirty, the corners littered with dead bugs – roaches and spiders (worries, concerns).  I requested my daughter clean them, only she was very pregnant. She went into labor and had to be rushed out of the house. I, on the other hand, had to get repeated injections into my belly button (energetic healing?). It was scary to me because the injections went through a long tube and the syringe was over sized.

The last thing I remember is jumping into a huge swimming pool (relaxation, calmness) with the other women in the family. On the bottom was an entire ecosystem, like the bottom of a lake. We swam over the top of a stingray. The woman (wife) with me, petted the stingray (emotional freedom) as she swam.

Interpretation

The dream overall seems to indicate that there is a breakthrough in progress. The roof leaking and beginning to collapse indicates that the things I use to protect myself are no longer working. The illusions of protection are being removed. It is funny to me that the “rain” is packing popcorn, so it doesn’t hurt me at all despite my trying to avoid it. The packing popcorn could be symbolic of a move, maybe an actual move or a move from one state of being to another; transformation. I remember now that when the popcorn was coming down I remember thinking it was coming from the attic, like attic insulation. Attics represent one’s connection to their higher self. So maybe I was perceiving a communication coming from my HS.

The change from one house to another in the dream seems to indicate a shift in Self. The feeling was that I was being asked to evaluate my life, my circumstances, and I was offered a new “religion”. In this case I think the new religion was a new path, one that maybe I would have been resistant to in the past.

The syringe indicates the surgery on my energy body. It was after this dream that I woke very aware of all the energy moving through me.

 

 

 

 

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Kundalini Dream: Trip to Montana

Usually August is a very slow and uneventful month for me but not this year. Some twists and turns happening but I don’t have time to write much on it at the moment except to quote Forrest Gump – Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what your gonna get. Indeed!

I found these 2 presents in the middle of the Forrest while walking my dog this morning. : WTF

For now I will leave it at that and share a wonderful dream I had the other night about visiting Montana. Lately I have been wanting to rent an RV and take a road trip to the mountains, specifically the Rockies because I have such great memories of my time there. So it is no surprise that I visited Montana in my dreams.

Kundalini Dream: Trip to Montana

I was on a house/train/RV (it morphed from one to the other) with a group. I recall it being my “house” (one’s own soul/self) at first and it was wide and spacious, golden and white in color and filled with modern things. The focus was on the TV which was a nice size and situated in the corner of the living room. The ambiance was nice overall. I felt happy.

Then I was on a train (life’s journey) heading through the mountains (higher realms of consciousness) of Montana. I was looking out the window while watching the rest of my group settle down for the long haul. Several were toking up, getting stoned and relaxing on blankets on the floor. As I watched the beautiful scenery I thought of taking photos (freezing moments in time) so I unlocked my phone and began to take pictures of the mountains. I recall seeing a mother antelope (much energy is needed to achieve goals) and her baby and snapped two photos of them as the train slowed allowing us all to see them. I also commented that everyone should pay attention to the beauty around us, and reminisced about my time visiting Glacier National park and the majestic mountains there.

I kept taking photos as the train went around a curve. There on the horizon was a mountain peak (reaching ones goals) surrounded by a circular formation of clouds (completion). In the distance I could see dark, billowing clouds of smoke coming from near the top of the mountain. The train slowed and I took a couple of shots and commented that it looked like a volcano (could be reference to the Kundalini). I was fascinated with the circular ring of clouds like a halo over the mountain top. Across from that scene was a beautiful, mountain lake (solace, peace of mind). I took a photo of it, too. Everything was so beautiful.

Inside the train I was asked if I wanted to smoke. I said no and that I had not done it in a long while. By this time the train had morphed into an RV (enjoy life to the fullest) and we were stopping for a break. When I got out I recognized the place – the shiny white flagstone and surroundings. I took another picture, this time of a dandelion (contentment) with the mountains in the background. The dandelion seemed to say, “Make a wish”. I focused on it more than the mountains when I took the picture.

I went inside the RV and accepted the invitation to smoke. I watched as they took this yellow-orange (mix of sacral and solar plexus chakras) looking plant and put it into a very white, wide rolling paper. The object looked more like a bunch of tiny grapes (decadence) than marijuana. They handed me a blunt and I took a long inhalation but felt nothing. A woman told me to wait a bit, that the effects would hit me hard.

As we sat enjoying our smoke the effects began to kick in and I smiled. At first it felt very much like being stoned, especially around my head/crown/eyes. I could feel my head and throat buzzing with energy. It snaked down into my heart and my whole body was vibrating. Eventually, this woke me up.

When I awoke my entire body was alive with Kundalini but my lower three chakras were the most affected. It took me an hour to relax enough to return to sleep.

Sync

The next morning on the way to work I got my husband to stop by Starbuck’s, something we rarely do. When we pulled up to the drive-through the car in front of us had Montana plates. I snapped a pic for evidence. It is rare to see Montana plates in Texas and then to have them right after such a powerful dream visit? Crazy!

IMG_3232

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Family Drama, Dreams and Messages

I finally have time to share a bit about my week and all the ups and downs since my husband got a concussion last Saturday. I’ll start with the physical world crap and end with the spiritual.

Physical Crapola 

The good news – Everything in my world is going good.

The house appraised for what it should ($100k over what we paid for it just 4 years ago!) and the refinance is going smoothly with no hiccups.

I got my first paycheck and put it directly into savings! My husband got a bonus as well, which is always a positive.

We have decided to “donate” our Mazda5 to my MIL because her car is always breaking down. It is costing the family because we have pay for the repairs. Her Subaru has over 250K miles and is just not worth the money going into it anymore. I am not 100% sure if I am going to ask my two BIL’s to help me pay off the Mazda or not yet. The deal is that if I/we pay if off then when it breaks down (which it will eventually) we don’t have to contribute to the repairs because we gave her a car with $4k still owed on it. So far she is resisting taking our car but we are working on getting her to let go of hers. She gets very attached to her stuff.

If/when the Mazda goes bye-bye then we may buy another, newer car, but I am sitting on that decision for now. We don’t need another car since I commute with my husband to work.

Work is still going good. I am now putting new hires into the system regularly, inputting invoices, reconciling credit cards, managing the petty cash and company credit card, typing up scopes for jobs (quite interesting I must say) and other things as needed. My husband said he wants to get my home office set up soon so that when school starts I can work from home. I was unsure about it and he said it was a go because my immediate boss (the lady with cancer I am learning from) has already agreed that I can work from home. We’ll see if that actually pans out when the time comes but if it does then I have officially landed THE PERFECT job. HA!

My birthday turned out good despite me being in a sour mood the whole first half. I spent time at my Mom’s swimming and catching up. We had a small family celebration and then I went home and received my presents. I got a fantastic new rug for my living room (please Monty don’t eat it!) and a Bissell Crosswave. My husband also got a used table we are going to refinish and put an epoxy top on. We want to emulate Joe’s Crab Shack’s tables and put family memories on the table top like a scrapbook. I’m not too happy about being a year older but I’ll get over it. At least I still look like I’m 30-something. 😉

Okay, so the bad news…..

Early this week my mom sent me images of what at first looked like a burned animal of some kind. Upon further inspection I realized it was my sister’s husband. I called my mom and she told me he had wrecked a Honda motorcycle. He shattered his eye socket, cracked his skull, broke some ribs, punctured a lung and got awful road rash.

I then learned that they had their car impounded a month prior and had been given the bike in a trade just two days earlier. The car was impounded because it had no front headlight, no bumper, no registration, no insurance and my BIL had no driver’s license. They had been struggling to make ends meet to the point of not having any money and bartering all their things to make ends meet.

On top of everything my sister has an infection in her jaw from a rotten tooth. She has to have surgery immediately but doesn’t have the money or any insurance. My mom took her to the dentist, paid for the visit and the antibiotics and painkillers but no surgery has been scheduled.

My mom refuses to step in and bail them out again. She informed me that prior to the car being impounded that my sister and BIL had been given a perfectly functional car as a second vehicle by their landlord. Just given it. They then opted to sell it for cash. Similarly, my mom had given them a truck and they sold it rather than use it. And prior to that my mom bought my sister two cars on different occasions with similar results. My mom said, “It seems to me like your sister is getting exactly what she deserves.”

I had been considering getting my MIL’s old car and giving it to my sister but my mom talked me out of it. It was/is obvious that my sister and BIL are incapable of making good, sound decisions. They don’t think ahead when they get money but spend it on the spot like it is a fire in their pockets. If I or someone else gives them a car the same situation will likely result.

I spent most of my birthday visit with my mom discussing what to do about my sister. We came up with all kinds of solutions. My husband said he would offer her a job and when he did she declined saying she had no transportation. She did not try and find a way around it or look to problem solve. She uses her criminal background as an excuse to not work, saying she can’t be hired anywhere. Yet she turns down a job paying $15/hr handed right  to her that overlooks her criminal record!

It was finally decided that we will do “nothing”. It sucks, though. If I still recognized my sister as my sister then I would not hesitate to give her my Mazda instead of my MIL. But she is not that person anymore. I don’t know who she is.

Spiritual

All kinds of strange in terms of spiritual experiences from cryptic messages to crazy syncs and intense dreams.

For example, I got a message one morning: Fire. Two Weeks. I didn’t say anything to anyone about it all morning. When my daughter and I went shopping I felt I should tell her for some odd reason. She immediately responded with, “Mom! I had a dream that Nana’s house was on fire!” It was so odd and I don’t know what to make of it. The two weeks will be up next Sunday, so I guess we’ll find out then.

Then there are the weird “coincidences”. At work, I was discussing a problem with the lady I work under. We had decided to call the company in question. She reached for the phone and the intercom comes up telling her she has a call from the company we were about to call! This happened twice in one week, too.

And my Mom and I and my daughter and I have been in sync as well. It is as if we read each other’s minds at times!

I’ve also been visiting other timelines/dimension in my sleep, at least that is what I have concluded.

Dream: Fire Room – August 1st

There was a whole dream where my husband and I went to another dimension to visit the people we know now. None of them knew us and we saw them all living together in a community. The houses were all rectangular with no insulation. Many were unpainted particle board but very large. 

Inside they were having a large meal and I looked around noticing none of them recognized me or my husband. The world was completely different than ours. The group was in hiding after a major world upheaval. They didn’t have things we did. For example, they didn’t have sharpie markers, only dry erase (lol). They also didn’t have electricity and used a fire to cook the meal. 

Toward the end I was cold and went to a room where a huge fire (contentment) was burning. There was a man and girl inside and the man asked me why I was there. I told him to warm myself by the fire. He said it was the warmest room in the house. It was vast with high ceilings and a raging fire contained within the fireplace. I leaned on a counter near the fire and warmed myself. The whole room was orange tinged.

Then my husband came in with two broadswords (strength, decisiveness, masculine). He wanted to show us all something. He took both swords, swung them wide while chanting words. Glyphs appeared on the floor in neon blue. He said only certain people could see the glyphs. I could read them and said they were the recipe for making a certain special wine. The other glyphs from the other sword were not visible to us. He said only someone of the Dark could see them. He said a certain name but I can’t recall it now. 

 

I’ve also had Spirit visiting me, as has my daughter. My daughter told me she keeps getting touched. One night she came to me freaked out and said, “Mom, I was in bed on my phone and I felt someone touch my shoulder like this (touched my shoulder). It freaked me out. I don’t want to sleep in my room tonight.”

The night before that I had this dream encounter:

Inside I lay down in bed and rested. A Spirit came to my right and began to talk to me. I recognized that he was influencing me and wanted me to listen to him. I wondered if he was trying to be sexual but didn’t do anything, so I just lay there pretending to sleep. When he thought I was asleep he leaned over me and I felt the stubble of his beard as if he was going to kiss me. Then my husband came in and leaned over me the same way and the Spirit backed off. I turned to the Spirit and said, “You need to leave.” I didn’t think I would see him but I did, clear as day. He looked like a young teenage boy with light hair and a thin frame.

The next night I had a very powerful dream that seemed to point at something coming.

 

Dream: Turned Upside Down – August 2nd

The dream began with me meeting up with a group. One man showed me his left ear (listen) was cancerous (something upsetting). It was red and scabby so he covered it with a hat that came down over his ears. I remember thinking it was good that it was cold outside so he could wear the hat.

At the airport I was informed that I had been given an airline ticket. I joined another woman and waited in line but the other woman was called away. I waited and she never returned. I remember thinking, “I guess I am going to travel alone.” I thought about it and was okay with it and felt I could do it alone even though I was going to Europe.

On the plane I sat in a seat facing the opposite direction of the others. They were all watching an in-flight movie. My chair (need for reflection) was wooden, like for a kitchen table, while theirs were regular plane seats.

The plane began its approach. I looked out the window and saw a wooden docking bay with a man standing on it with an orange thing waving it about. I thought it odd how we were landing because we seemed to be hovering and landing vertically, not like a plane at all.

Once we landed we stepped off the plane out onto a green field lined with tall pine trees. There was a group of people mulling about by the side of a plane. They all had fuzzy looking objects in their hands, like makers of some sort. I didn’t have one and knew I needed on to board. I went to the lady giving them out. She handed me one and said, “Do you eat a lot?” I said, “No, not really.” She handed me a large gallon bag full of graham crackers (tendency to care for others needs over my own). I took them and went to the plane.

I walked inside the plane and noticed the inside was two stories. There was a large, golden staircase (transformation) leading to the second level. I stayed on the bottom level and looked around at the spacious interior.

Suddenly the whole plane lurched and rolled over onto its side. I was standing and my entire view spun as I tumble upside down. In the dream it was very real and I got scared, grabbing for something to steady myself but not able to grab onto anything.

The plane stopped and I began to try and find a way out. Everything was upside down. The pilot said all would be fine and to not worry. Everyone else seemed oblivious to the situation but I saw out the window a hill heading through the forest. I knew if the plane moved again we would be rolling for quite a while.

I located the entry and began to head for it, intending to climb up and out. As I began to climb up, the plane lurched again and began to roll. I quickly pulled myself up and out of the door and jumped out. I grabbed onto a vine and watched as the plane rolled down hill.

A man was standing casually on the hill observing the scene. I said, “It’s going downhill!” He said, “Yes, it will land in the lake below.” He just stood there smiling casually as I hung onto the vine, swinging and feeling frantic. I said to him, “What is wrong with you! Why don’t you do something!?” He smiled, calmly as if there was nothing going on, no plane barreling down the hillside. Then he said, “There’s nothing I can do. The 4th (mankind) dynamic has been activated.” When he told me this I burst into tears. The emotion behind the tears reminded me of times when I have been given “bad” news, or news I did not want to hear. The feeling here, though, was that the news was not “bad” but that it was just something I was dreading in that I had a part to play in it and that part was going to “turn my world upside down”.

I woke up still crying and hearing a familiar song playing through my mind – “Destiny…..Lord you live in me as the unchanging.” I wasn’t crying anymore but the emotion that triggered it was still very much present.

I fell into the in-between. In front of me I saw a portal/window open up in vivid color. It looked like I was seeing a Shamanic ceremony taking place. A man was on his knees by a fire chanting. Another man, close to me, was standing with his back to me. He had his arms open and I could see he had a massive erection. I knew that the whole ceremony was to induce the sexual energy but that the man was being helped to channel the energy rather than give in to the sexual urges. I was fascinated but the scene disappeared as I woke. 

 

Based upon all that has transpired physically and spiritually, it seems like the end of this year is going to be an interesting one full of family drama and other surprises. I will continue to focus on just living my life and staying busy for now. It is nice to be busy and productive again. It is especially nice to have extra money to spend. hehe Thus far the tarot reading I did for myself last week has been spot on about the spending. 🙂

 

 

 

 

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Here’s to Better Days

Lots of crying in my dreams again. Happy birthday to me. Sigh.

SO much more to relay but I don’t have time to go in depth about all that is going on. I posted on FB yesterday:

Once again it feels like I am standing in the middle of the eye of the hurricane while everyone else around me is pummeled with life crap. Sometimes it is harder to be the one watching the shit hit the fan than it is to be the one receiving the shit storm.

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Yet that same morning I woke in a good mood and a song I use to sing at weddings with my mom and grandmother came to mind. This is the song:

The entire first verse popped into my head and I sang it to my husband acting all sappy adding hand motions and all like I was on stage (very unusual for me in the early morning). Afterward the song stayed with me so I posted it on FB with the photo below asking my mom if she remembered singing it. She did and later we chatted about it some. She told me the Psalm it came from was the one she recited every morning when she set her yoga intention and that she felt I was reminded of the song in order to giver her a message. She said, “You’re post was exactly what I needed. Thank you so much!”

“This is the day that the Lord hath made and I will rejoice with you.”

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Dream #1

This dream centered at first around fish and turtles. They were in two separate tanks, one large and one only about 5 gallons. I recall seeing baby turtles swimming around in one. I decided to feed them. When I did all these other fish came out. Most of them were small but there were some large ones. When I watched the tank seemed large but then I realized it was on a 5 gallon. I said, “It’s way too small for this many fish!”

Then I went to a school or hospital setting. Inside I was walking around going up and down hallways repeatedly. There was a cat/bunny (it morphed from one to the other) that was mine. I was told that my cat was male and not female and shown it’s strange penis. I only recall a diagram of it now. It looked like a triangle with a longer side that extended like an arm.

There was a lot in between but most is lost to me now.

Then I was going in and out of the small lab storage room. It had a wall of windows on one side and had lots of scientific materials and such inside. I was in and out of it and then finally sat down by one of the windows on a long couch. There were two men with me, one I was very close to. I thought of them as “teachers”. The one I felt close to came and sat next to me while talking. He snuggled up to me and I reached around and pulled him close. It felt wonderful. I knew we loved each other very much but I also remembered that we rarely felt able to express our love because I was married. He and I were coworkers, so both teachers. As I sat next to him I recognized how difficult it was to be in love with him but not be able to be with him. He got up casually and the other man sat down near me, taking his seat. I wanted to sit next to the man I felt connected to – in love with – but couldn’t because of the man who took his seat. My heart began to sink and I felt an intense heaviness within. My last thought was about how we couldn’t be together. I began to cry in heaving sobs.

The dream woke me up and I rubbed my eyes clear of the tears. The man in the dream was very handsome to me even though to others he would have appeared as a normal looking, dark haired man. I KNEW him in the dream and even when I woke I felt our connection. His smile and demeanor was so very familiar, like we were never apart a day yet the reality (which was difficult to bear) was that we were physically apart.

Dream #2

In this dream I was back with the dark haired man and another man was also with me. The other man was my husband in real life. We were traveling to a work site in a work truck. All three of us sat in the bucket seat, me in the middle. The road we were traveling was up in the Smokey mountains and became narrower as we drove. At one point my husband said he thought the directions must be wrong because the destination was not where it should have been. I looked out the window and saw the road was winding and on one side was a pile of red bricks (experience and/or heartbreak has hardened me) looked to have been dumped there.

As we drove the road kept narrowing and both men were discussing how it was really treacherous. I looked out the window and the trees were right there, so close I could touch them. I saw their white trunks in rows. They resembled bars as if I were in a jail cell.

We came to a sudden stop. There was a metal foot bridge so the truck could not pass over. My husband wanted to keep driving to see if the truck would make it. I screamed in fear and my husband snapped at me really loudly for being a “back seat driver” saying, “STOP DOING THAT!” I was embarrassed for having let a scream escape but I was scared he was going to attempt to drive over the bridge. He didn’t, though. He stopped.

After he yelled at me I jumped out of the truck, tears welling up in my eyes from hurt feelings and all kinds of other unrelated emotion. I ran down the road in the opposite direction, back up the mountain road. The dark haired man got out of the truck and ran after me. I was thinking as I ran about how he (the dark haired man) would never do that. I sent a mental thought to the dark haired man saying, “You would never treat me like that. You care about how I feel.” I could feel his concern for me as he ran behind me. All I wanted was to be with him and I was thinking, “I can’t do this! I can’t do this!”

I woke again in tears and rubbed them from my eyes but they kept seeping out despite my efforts. My heart was aching when I woke. I heard, “I am always with you.” It didn’t help the ache.

Dream #3

This was a short dream. I was with a group and we were all being lined up. It reminded me of PE class in middle school when we would like up for dodge ball. I was told to stand at the end of the line and face the opposite direction than the rest of the people in line. My husband was next to me. When I turned the coach (which sounded like my husband) told me to turn around and said something crude related to balls. I can’t remember what he said but when I followed instructions and turned around I became furious with him, so angry I could feel the blood rushing to my head. Red-hot anger. I turned back to face him, this time to my left where my husband was standing, and said, “I WILL NOT be treated like this!” I could feel his humor in the dream and the anger I felt melted into grief and I began to cry, again sobbing so hard it woke me up. The feeling I had upon waking was how unfair everything was, how unjust to be belittled because I am a woman.

Dream #4

In this dream I was inside a large bathroom. The toilet kept squirting water out of the top, soaking the walls behind it. My husband was inside repairing a section of the wall and I told him about the water squirting out of the toilet. He inspected the wall on the opposite side of the room, the tile and the patch in the wall he had just completed. I told him to look behind the toilet. Instead he kept focusing on the patch in the wall. When I saw it I could see between the wood and noticed it was not a good patch job and would need to be torn out. I suggested we put a huge window, a stained glass window (spiritual healing and enlightenment/guidance), in its place. I got on the phone to order one and someone began to ask me questions that made no sense. I realized I had blanked out in the middle of the conversation and had no memory of what was said. The man on the phone seemed to indicate that I was not suppose to know the information I was asking for. I apologized and hung up. My husband was staring at me after and questioned me. I swore I had no idea why I had been on the phone, saying I was trying to order a stained glass window.

Then there was a hole in the wall where the patch had been. I could see outside to a pool full of kids. It started raining so they all started coming in through the hole. The kids were little, one a toddler girl. They carried towels with them and I helped them dry off.

Eventually there were kids everywhere and I felt overwhelmed and wanted to get out of the now cramped space. It was frantic feeling. Since I could get out I turned on a computer to do something on it and the kids began to ask to get on it. I remember relaying to them how they always wanted what I had, asking them, “Can you let me have something for once without trying to take it from me!?” They didn’t listen, though, and kept demanding what I had. They were all around the computers playing games and I watched continuing to feel overwhelmed.

When I woke from this dream I wasn’t crying but I felt suffocated by the dream experience. I realized it was very much how I feel in my day-to-day life as a mom and wife. Always giving up things for others. Give, give, give. I have to sneak down to the kitchen to grab a snack and hope my kids don’t hear me. If they do, they want whatever I am eating, nothing else will do. If I want to go for a walk alone I have to sneak out, otherwise I will have company whether I like it or not. It is a constant struggle to find time alone, to have something just for myself. Even my husband takes his share of my time, my effort, my body. What is left for me? Not much.

Music

A song was and still is going through my head. The lyrics I hear are – “Here’s to better days”.

This song is also coming to mind, though it has no lyrics. It is just a nice one to meditate to. Enjoy!