Tag Archives: dreams

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Test Preparation

My mood last night was very high. This was in complete contrast to how I felt when I awoke yesterday morning, so it was very nice. I was so awake that I struggled to fall asleep. Thankfully the meditation and self-healing work I did helped calm me down.

Dream Discussion

I had one very vivid dream that I recall from an otherwise very deep night of sleep.

In the dream I had gone to lunch with my best friend from high school. She seemed very unemotional while we were talking, almost as if she were holding a grudge against me. I, on the other hand, was very upbeat and happy, talking very fast and ignoring her odd mood.

We were sitting face to face and I was telling her about how I was going to start back on my weight lifting regime. I was explaining to her how I had been lifting successfully for one year when I found out I was pregnant and had to give it up and lose everything I had worked for. I was really proud of my accomplishments, discussing with her how I planned to start again, taking it in small steps. She did not seem too interested but I ignored this.

We continued to talk about other things, but most are lost to me now. What I distinctly remember is her and I discussing abortion. This is the friend whom I discussed in depth in another post. She had an abortion during her first marriage and regretted it later. I recall that I told her, “I don’t want to discuss the subject in depth but I take neither side in it. I can understand both sides”. As we talked about it, we went outside to the back yard and there was a small patch of grass with a very tiny hole in it. It was a one hole golf course! I told her that I had it there for my daughter to play with and sometimes she fell in (the hole was in a spot of ground connected to a tunnel that gaped open) but I would pull her out. I laughed about it, as if it were no big deal. My friend, on the other hand, seemed to get more and more serious about the subject as I talked.

Feeling her disapproval I recognized something about my past self. I had always attempted to make others happy and if I found that our views differed, I allowed them to be right by supporting them and even changing my own views. So, in the past, had someone asked me about abortion I would have learned what their viewpoint was and agreed with it being very careful so as to not make them upset by revealing my own, true views.

In seeing this about myself I cheerfully told her, “I will not tell you that I am against abortion. I am neither for or against it. It all depends on the situation. I will not change my views to make you happy”. These were not my exact words. I actually was much better at articulating what I meant in the dream. Basically, I told her about my decision to be proud of who I am and not adjust my views or Self to please others.

My friend accepted this and the discussion shifted. She seemed tired still, as if life had taken everything out of her and she had little left of herself. She brightened, though, for a minute and told me, “I am another year cancer-free. I beat the cancer”.

Upon hearing this my entire being filled with love and I told her, “I knew you wouldn’t die from it. I hope you know how important you are to me”. I hugged her and filled with such intense emotion that I began to cry. I woke up crying, still feeling the love I felt for my friend.

Upon waking I recognized I had overcome a very big obstacle in recognizing my own tendency to change for others.

little-angel-wallpaper_1280x1024_78423Test Preparation – OBE

I woke up and was wide awake for some time. Since I knew I could sleep in more I stated, “I want to go OOB”.

I felt more comfortable on my stomach and so lay in that position and fell asleep.

I recall dreaming for a while about arriving to work early. I knew I didn’t need to be there until 10am, yet I was there at the early time before things get moving. I saw my boss and another counselor talking and saw that they were holding test materials in their hands. I thought to myself, “I can help. I wonder if they want me to help them”. As I thought this, the other counselor turned and looked at me and gave me a look like, “You can’t help with this”.

Then I became somewhat lucid and was aware that I was laying in my bed and sleeping. I witnessed two individuals in the room with me. There was a male and a female. They were in the corner of my room and preparing for a test. I remember the man was being asked questions by the woman. He was reciting back to her something that resembled ancient literature. I wish I could remember what he was saying now as it feels very important! The woman would ask him something and each time he would recite back long amounts of information back to her. This went on for some time. The longer it went on, the more interested I became in it.

As if they knew I was becoming more and more interested and aware of what they were doing, they both turned their attention to me and told me they were preparing for the “test”. The test felt to be a major one similar to what schools give to students to determine if they have learned what they are suppose to in a specific subject area. In actuality, “we” (the male figure and I) were preparing for the test. I understood this without being told. It was at this point that I told them, “I want to go OOB”.

They continued to talk and prepare for the test and my attention turned inward. I was very highly aware of myself and my energy. I was also focused upon my intent to exit my body. I analyzed my energy and remember thinking, “I can exit now” and knowing/hearing, “Not yet. Wait”. I continued to sit in the energy and felt it pulse through me and shake. I am positive now that these feelings were the vibrations many feel when they are about to exit their body. They were very muted to me though I could tell that my energy was superimposed over my physical body and it felt to be moving up and down and side to side at the same time. This recognition of the vibrational frequency was very apparent to me at the time and I felt as if a part of myself were very adept at determining the exact right time to exit. I want to also say that I felt to be of two parts and the part that knew what it was doing was very obviously being listened to. This is a  HUGE win for me!

I (my Earth self) was very eager to get OOB. I (my Higher Self) remember mentally settling her, almost like reining her in like one would do to a horse ready to take off and run. I (my Earth self) was given permission to test my readiness to exit. So I kicked my feet and felt resistance. “There is no wall up against my bed!”, I thought. The movement of my astral legs out of my physical body was very distinct and I knew I could exit. With one smooth action, I rolled to my right and landed on the floor next to my bed.

The instant I hit the ground I felt very heavy and cumbersome. My eyes were open and the scene was light, not dark, but very shifty as if it were shimmering (if you watch the Lord of the Rings movies it looked like what Frodo saw when he put on the ring and was invisible). It took all my effort just to get up on my hands and knees and will myself to crawl. I instinctively knew I should not attempt to stand up. My energy was very low. I then stated, “I need more energy”. As soon as I did this it felt as if someone let go of invisible reigns and the heavy feeling lightened. I stayed on my hands and knees, though, because I sensed I still was not quite ready to stand up.

I felt as well as knew that I should focus on my breath. I also worried slightly after my last choking experience that I would not be able to breathe. I took two deep inhales and felt the breath come in and go out with ease. With each breath I felt lighter and more able to move.

I looked ahead of me intent on the door and leaving the room. I grabbed hold of the doorknob and twisted. It would not budge. I twisted again. Nothing. I had a thought, “It is locked. I won’t be able to get out”. Then a counter thought, “It will open”. I twisted the knob again and it gave way. The door opened!

I crawled out the door. As soon as I crossed the threshold I lifted up into the air and dropped my “body”. I was a ball of thought and whirled down a brightly lit hallway that had a golden hue that seemed to paint the otherwise white walls.

The hallway opened up into an unfamiliar living room. It was brightly lit and nicely furnished. The scene shimmered almost as if it were a holographic image and I took note of it. To my right was a large entertainment hutch that covered the wall. I was aware that it contained a t.v. but did not see it. My focus was upon the little girl who was standing in front of me, wide eyed. She appeared to be a toddler, about 18 months old, with short, wispy blonde hair. I thought she could be my daughter when she was little. She sure looked like her. I went toward her with a friendly smile and reached out to her saying, “Hello!” She responded by shrinking back some. She obviously did not know me. Who was she?

Unperturbed, I turned toward the entertainment system wanting to look at myself. There appeared before me a large mirror with a gold leafed frame. I got up on my tip toes to take a look at myself. I saw my face and for some reason wanted to see my body. I remember thinking, “I am naked” and then confirming I was by seeing my breasts in the mirror.

Happy with what I saw I turned to look for the little girl. She had gone to the side of the room and was looking at me. I remember speaking to her again, trying to get her to come to me. She wouldn’t move. So I began dancing and acting all silly (this always gets my kids to open up) and I heard a familiar song playing, “Let’s finish what we started” (Flaws by Bastille). I sang along and danced away happily. The little girl just watched me from the corner.

When I finished dancing I felt another presence in the room. I looked in the other corner of the room. Sitting in a recliner and looking at me was what appeared to be an older woman. Her hair was streaked with gray and cut short. I recognized her to be someone kind and safe, a caregiver to the little girl. I went over to her and she and I locked eyes. Her eyes were steely blue and intense but her communication to me through them was to come closer.

I got closer to her and we embraced. I realized that though her hair was gray, she was in fact much younger than I thought. She continued to look at me, her eyes piercing. I knew she wanted to kiss me and though I felt a bit uncomfortable I allowed her to. I showed her I was naked (I was proud of this for some reason) and she nodded approvingly. She looked me up and down as I sat in her lap (I was big but sitting in her lap like a child would). She said to me, “It looks like you are ready for next week”. I was thrown off by this statement for a moment but answered, “Yes”, a part of me recognizing this to be true but not registering what it meant. The woman pulled me close and began to suck on my left nipple. I felt embarrassed for some reason but did not withdraw because I could feel energy entering through my heart chakra. The energy shot down into my root chakra and then began to rise up into my second. It felt nice. I knew the feeling would increase if I stayed, building and exploding out of the top of my head, but I was ashamed to be allowing this woman to do what she was doing. I remember thinking, “I don’t want this”. The instant I thought it I went back to my body.

I awoke still laying on my stomach and still feeling the lingering energy in my second and third chakras. I asked my guide, “What did I do wrong?” I instantly knew I had tried to take control, go against what my Higher Self wanted. Had I stayed I would have allowed my energy to ground and expand. That was what was needed. But I was afraid of how it might look to others, specifically those who would read my blog.

Considerations

I wondered upon waking what the message about next week was about. Then I remembered next week, next Friday, is the 12th. I was pleased that the woman, whoever she was, said that I was ready. I hope so.

It is interesting to me that I was able to recognize two distinct parts of myself during this OBE. I appear to be more in communication with myself than in the past and recognized that this part of me knew more than I did. I actually deferred to “him” rather than fighting against him. I listened.

Factors Influencing Projection

Lucidity scale: 8

Intent stated?: Yes

Time to bed: 10:00pm

Time to wake: 6:00am, 7:40am

Meditation?: Yes

Physical Exercise?: Yes

Mood: Good

Body: headache, stuffy nose

Tiredness: Low

Number of wakings: 2

Technique?: No

Sleeping position: stomach

Supplements: Multivitamin, 400mg vitamin E, 1000mg Biotin, 1000mg Evening Primrose Oil,  Natural Calm, Sleepy Time Extra Tea, Benadryl 25mg, Calcium 500mg, Vitamin D 1000mg, Vitex 150mg, DonQuai 150mg

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Mountain Towers

As the day progresses, I cannot stop thinking about what I am going through and what my future holds. There is so much in my mind now, being processed so very slowly, that I feel as if a part of me is about to explode with knowingness. It is as if all the answers are at the tip of my tongue but I cannot for the life of me get the words to come out or make any sense. What is odd to me is that when I do try and think about it all I go completely blank and a calmness washes over me as if I am being told to relax, trust and stop fighting. Is trying to make sense of all this considered fighting? I suppose it is because the human mind is so booby trapped by limiting believes and useless data that I have no doubt that if I tried to process all that has happened to me too quickly before my energy body and physical body have adjusted, I would drive myself insane. Thankfully, whatever happened, is happening, to me, keeps me from the brink of insanity through the very waves of calm that wash over me when I attempt to think too much.

Note to self: Listen.

12 Levels

What I am able to contemplate, and am ready and able to process without risk of booby traps, is the interesting dreams I had this morning.

I am sick, have been since Sunday. It comes and goes, some days not as bad as others. Last night it hit me full force and as I meditated I saw a message flicker in the left side of my mental vision: “tired”. It was very tiny but when I saw it I heard, ‘You are tired” and I knew I was. I rolled over, satisfied that my self-healing had proved successful, and fell asleep.

I dreamed I was in a busy, bustling room. It resembled a hotel lobby with people milling about, sitting at tables, drinking coffee and eating, or coming and going from the large, beautifully embellished, multiple elevators. I felt to be in a metropolis of some sort. It felt like New York, but I was not sure.

I watched as a man and woman rushed into an elevator. The man was nicely dressed in casual attire and very relaxed with a strong, compelling energy. The woman was in a vibrant red dress and had long, wavy brown hair that reached her waist line. They were laughing and completely ignored me as they walked by. But I knew them! We were suppose to be traveling together. Why didn’t they wait for me?

I tried to catch up with them, reaching for the elevator door and almost losing my hand in it as it closed. I looked at the dial showing the floors they were going to and prayed they were the first to be dropped off because a man I did not know got into the elevator with him. What if his floor is before theirs? If I chose that floor number then I would never find my friends.

I watched as the elevator ascended. 1, 2, 3, 4…..9, 10, 11, 12. It stopped at 12. That was the floor I would go to.

I got into the elevator and went to level 12. What is odd is that I felt I was already miles up in the sky before I got into the elevator.

Mountain Towers

The rising of the elevator up the 12 floors is mostly lost to me but I did make it to the 12th floor. The next thing I knew I was with the man and he was showing me the city.

It was not New York.

I was flying above a large city. It was bigger than any city I have ever visited. The lights were bright and sparkling and the colors vivid. We stood for a while on the city side walk and I looked up and saw a massive tower in front of me. It had to be a mile high! I remember the sidewalks were vibrant white but had a silver glimmer about them. In fact, all of the buildings, except the tower in front of me, had a silver glimmer to them. I felt as if I were in a futuristic city similar to present time sci-fi movies.

This was not an Earth city. I knew the name and also knew of other names of cities. I cannot remember the name now but I know it started with a B and reminded me of a country on Earth. I also heard the name Lumeria, which I have visited in an OBE. I knew I had been there before. I wish I could remember what I remembered then but it is all lost to me now!

The next thing I knew I was flying high above the city with the man. I was being told about the towers and the man I was flying with motioned in front of him. I looked into the distance and saw majestic, snow topped mountains with jagged peaks one after the other. They seemed to go on forever. He then gestured to the city below us and mentioned the towers. I noticed we were right above a large, golden brown tower. It reminded me of a cathedral mixed with a castle tower. It had a pointed, conical roof and rose miles into the air. The man told me that the people who built the city built towers out of the mountains. At the time, I recognized the towers below me, situated specific distances from one another, as “mountain towers”, even though now, as I think on the memory, they looked nothing like the mountains other than being majestic and rising high into the air.

Considerations

I was not lucid in either of these dreams but I am certain that the second dream was an OBE. I remember it so vividly and believe I was taken to this city for a purpose. I also believe it was the same city as the first dream of the elevator. The feeling I had upon waking was that I was visiting there to do “work” specific to this Earth life.

I awoke immediately thinking about the name of the city. I repeated it to myself several times to try and remember it, but unfortunately the memory is gone now. I began to think about all the stuff I read about the Pleadians in the past and how I once was sure that I was communicating with them. I even had OBEs where I went to other planets and visited. I put an end to those thoughts, though, because they cause me to feel uneasy. But I wonder now, is there some truth to it?

I am certain the first dream was a result of my contemplating chakras 8-12. The feeling from that dream was that I felt ill prepared for the changes coming my way and that I felt left behind, as if I am way behind those of my friends.There may be some truth to this because I have had this feeling before and it has come out in my dreams. I can’t help but wonder if I slipped up in this life, got behind and am now playing catch up. Did I make a mistake when I put my awakening on hold back in 2005?

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Stay With Me

Last night and this morning was very eventful. I did not see it coming either. I have been experiencing such calm and balance that I assumed I would have blissful, uneventful sleep.

Dead Baby

I awoke at 4am sharp in tears. The dream is not all very clear to me now except for the end, so I will recount it and hope it starts to make sense at some level.

I was very aware of being part of a trio of people. I was one of two women. We had been living together alone for some time, me, my lover and her son. My lover’s husband had been deployed and gone for a long time. She did not think she would ever see him again.

Then one day, to our surprise, my lover’s husband returned. When he arrived he was surprised to find his wife with a roommate who he later discovered was his substitute. Interestingly, he was not upset and just joined us, joking we were his “two wives”.

It took a while for him to accept me, but he eventually did. He began to sleep in the same bed as us and even attempted to touch me and cuddle with me. I recall worrying about him and sensing he was not really sure about all of us being together. Three’s a crowd, you know.

I remember talking to the husband and telling him I that I will not blame him if he leaves, but he refuses to admit he is uncomfortable with the situation. We all get to know each other after that and I show them my ability: I can fly. I hover over the ground and show them how I do it. I point to my chest/heart area and explain it is all in the “heart”. I am able to hover about and they are extremely interesting in watching, but I do not recall them ever doing it themselves.

We somehow end up at a water park and they ask me to show them and others my ability. We are at this huge waterfall/slide. It is at least a half mile wide and this sparkling, aqua-clear blue. I hover over the water for a time but when I fly over the edge the water takes me down with it and at the end I am wet but unharmed.

The time shifts and I feel as if years had passed. The husband is showing signs of discomfort at his situation. His son, who I later found out was not his real son but step-son, is taking much of our and his time. I remember him saying, “I cannot take this anymore. I did not sign up for this”. At the time I am pregnant with his child.

Fast forward again and the baby is about to be born, but I am now an observer. As the baby is born and laid out, it is discovered that he has something in his brain. The doctor finds a hemangeoma but it is located in the neck and says the baby will be fine. The husband and woman are relieved. I now enter the scene and tell the husband it is okay for him to feel overwhelmed, that I understand if he wants to leave. We hug. When we hug, one of us hits the bed the baby is on and he falls to the floor. When he falls, he hits his head and instantly dies. His head is flattened in the dream and very disfigured. I feel awful and say, “It’s my fault” and watch as the mother picks him up and cries. I then see the ultrasound photos of him and begin to cry. I wake up in tears.

Stay With Me

I ran to check on my son because of the disturbing dream but he was fine and breathing normally. I have been worried about him suffocating in his sleep for a while now because he keeps getting colds, so any dream that suggests he may be in danger causes me to worry.

I went back to bed and tossed and turned for some time. My guide was close and I kept hearing the song “Stay With Me”, by Sam Smith. It is not a song I particularly like but it seems songs are one of the main ways my guides communicate with me and the song keeps coming until I hear the message.

My gut reaction to this song and the dream is that I am struggling to move forward with what has been going on with me both consciously and subconsciously.

Consciously, my guide has been asking me to decide what I want so that I can move forward. Oddly, I am unable to decide what I want to do with my life other than recognizing I want to feel peace and calm. Subconsciously, I am told I am shifting awareness and that it is creating an internal struggle. I am told this is normal and part of the process and to be patient with myself for my Ego is not easily swayed.

The dream symbols here are quite obvious to me. A baby is a new idea or path/direction. In this dream the baby is found to have a growth which suggests there may be a flaw in this path, but not one that will cause significant problems. However, the baby dies and I admit it is my fault. This suggests that I am taking responsibility for a new goal/path not coming to fruition. Perhaps I am also considering dropping this path altogether?

The waterfall is significant of emotion and since it is clear it is not muddled emotion, but clear, recognizable and confrontable emotion. The water fall is vast, suggesting there is much emotion to clear and that it may result of a drastic shift for me, as per the waterfall part. I attempt to fly above the water, avoiding it, but am swept up in it suggesting I cannot avoid this shift.

The discussion with the man in the dream seems to be a discussion I am having with myself about the feelings of overwhelm I have been having associated with my role in the family. I tell him it is okay to feel the way he feels and that I will understand if he chooses to leave. Perhaps I am accepting this part of myself? It sure felt that way considering the emotional effect it had on me both in the dream and upon waking.

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Driving Test

Yesterday was a good day. I spent most of the day with my husband. The children were with my mother-in-law. I enjoyed every minute of my freedom.

Driving Test

I went to bed feeling very relaxed and balanced. For once I was in a good mood and I felt good, too! I did yoga and then mediated for quite some time before drifting to sleep.

I dreamed I was going to take a driving test. It had been five years and it was time to recertify that I knew the rules for driving. I remember feeling ill prepared. I had not studied. I sat down at a desk next to a girl I went to high school with. “Why is she here?” I thought. The woman who was teaching the class asked us if we were ready and did a quick review. I remember having notes and looking them over. I was reading long lists of things I had to remember. I saw entire sections, one said Section M1. I remember thinking the questions were unfair, asking me to recall details that were not important to driving.

I got out my pencil and noticed it needed sharpening. I informed the teacher who sent a student to another class to sharpen it for me. I then looked through my bag and found I had a brand new pencil in there. I showed the teacher, apologized and then got up to sharpen it myself. When I was done, I sat down and looked through my notes some more. There was a section in it that was talking about the changes happening in the world. I remember finding it interesting because it was exactly what was happening to me! I saw information about the chakras and energy and how it was important to be balanced during this time. I read eagerly but I ran into a section where my writing was unintelligible. It exasperated me and I began to furiously look for anything else about where to find this important information. I saw the page number – 643. I knew it came from the manual we used for class, the very class I was about to take a test in! I remember looking for the manual but not being able to find it. All I had were copious amounts of handwritten notes and I had not reviewed them! I needed more time!

The teacher began to hand out the tests. I got mine and became nervous. Everyone else was intently working on theirs as soon as they received it. The teacher told us we had until that evening and then left the room. Seeing I had the freedom to leave and take my test with me, I left the room quickly. I intended to find a place without prying eyes where I could use my notes to take the test. I went directly to the parking lot to find my car.

When I left the room I detoured into a bathroom and suddenly had the idea to hide in a stall to take the test. When I got in I encountered a woman and hid the test and pencil behind my back. When she left I went into a stall but it turned into a cubicle. I looked at the test and noticed the light was too dim to see by. I could not make out the words and what I could make out made no sense! I do recall the first half was analogy problems and there was a sample problem with the answer. I could not figure out how it made any sense and thus could not answer any of the questions. There were also matching questions but I could not read them as there was not enough light.

I finally exited the building and went into the parking lot. It was snowing and icy. I made it to my car and got inside. Again, there was not enough light to see by. Upset by this and noting the day was coming to an end, I began to panic. I began to drive but my car turned into a motorcycle. I flew up the icy roads, revving my engine. At once point it sputtered and I urged it on but knew it was not going to make it much farther.

Somehow I ended up seeing my teachers (there were now two) and other students and saw that the main teacher was allowing them back into the classroom for retakes. I told her I had messed up on my test and needed another one. She smiled and gave me the new test. I sat down to take it and noticed it had the name of another person written on the top but it had been erased. It was still readable and was very large like the handwriting of a child. I don’t recall the name except that it started with an M. I remember feeling nervous about the test still but I was grateful for two things: 1. I was not alone and 2. I was getting another chance.

Interpretation

I believe this dream was symbolic of my feeling that I need to make a decision but not wanting to. The driving test is representative of my goals or aspirations being put to the test. Questions are being asked about what I want to do with my future. Sharpening a pencil symbolizes the need to be more flexible in my way of thinking and to listen more. Driving a motorcycle symbolizes a desire for freedom and adventure as well as a desire to escape something. In the dream I push the motorcycle to its breaking point indicating that I have recognized that my avoidance has gone on too long. Finally, driving in snow suggests I need to be careful about how I approach my goals.

Flower Car

I then dreamed I was back working at my old, hated job. I found out that it had been taken over by the local police department. As a result, all of the previous staff had been let go. I inquired about my previous boss and was told he no longer worked there. I was surprised about all of this and for a moment was happy and then I felt bad for them. I knew they would have all taken it hard as they did not want to change and had stayed there because it was easier than creating the change they needed.

I was introduced to several young people who were students. Then I went into a room that was devoid of furniture and the person with me laughed at me for going in there. One student, a young black girl, came in and sat down at a desk. She was brought a computer and I asked her if she knew how to use it. She nodded that she did and I sat with her to help her. She struggled with writing and said she felt overwhelmed about writing more than 33 words which was what was required of the assignments. I showed her how to rewrite the question as part of her answer and take up words that way. She listened.

Then all of a sudden there were more students. They began to sing their assignments and danced about. I was interested and got into it, thinking, “What a great idea!” I felt happy for the students. They were finally making learning fun!

When the music stopped I remember being told that learning that way was not allowed. That the students would get carried away if allowed to have fun and that they must not be allowed to do that because they will do bad things. I saw this possibility and agreed to not let them do it anymore. I felt subdued.

I was then told the new boss was coming. He arrived and I was glad to see it was not my old boss. I remember telling them I hated my old boss, but in my head I could not get a clear memory of him as two different faces blurred and blended in my mind. I think I got the other bosses confused with this new one and so backed away from him. He was tall and blonde and quite good looking but I stayed away from him.

A young woman with long, straight black hair came toward me and we began to talk. She had such love about her and I was instantly drawn to her. She and I got along well and she helped me and listened to me. We sat down along the side of the road looking at a valley with a river flowing through it. The grass was green and it was a lovely, quiet and relaxing place. She put her hand in mine and asked me if I wanted to be with her. I did. I knew she liked women and that I did not, but that is not what caused me to feel disappointed. I turned to her and told her, “I would, but I have to tell you that I am married”. She understood and kept holding my hand. I put my head on her shoulder and just sat there with her. As I did, I saw a car drive by and its roof was covered with flowers. I looked closer and saw they were each in tiny pots and I remember saying, “I want a car like that”.

Flower Car

This dream seemed mostly to symbolize me coming to terms with my past. I return to my old job to find that all the past participants in such a stressful period of my life have gone. They are replaced with others who are more accepting but they still insist that the students will be “bad” if allowed to go out of control and have too much fun. I must have a belief that “fun” leads to bad things. The 33 is significant in that it represents high potential and spiritual awareness. The lesbian I meet represents an aspect of myself that I want to be reunited with. She represents self-love and self-acceptance. Finally, the flowers on the car symbolize perfection and spirituality. When I say I want that car, I am saying that is what I want for my life as cars symbolize life paths.

Considerations

I remain in a state of calm and balance today. I feel rested and well. I cannot stop thinking about how my dreams are suggesting I make a change in my life. I am not sure what this change should be and I realize a part of me fears failure and so I stay with what I know I will succeed at. I struggle to come to a decision about what I want. I seem to want nothing other than to feel the way I felt in that last dream.

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Left Behind

I had a very unusual dream experience last night. It was one of those dreams that continued even after I would awaken. I woke multiple times and when I returned to sleep the dream would continue.

Left Behind

I was awakened at 2am by my baby and tended to him for about a half hour or so. When I returned to bed I was irritated but managed to fall asleep after about a half hour of tossing and turning.

I fell into a dream of being on a school trip. I felt myself to be young, probably mid-teens and the trip appeared to be at a zoo or some similar outdoor themed park. I don’t recall much of the trip itself. It is the end that is the most vivid.

It had rained while we were preparing to leave and had stopped as we entered the parking lot where the bus and individual chaperone’s cars were parked. I had ridden with a couple of older ladies rather than take the bus so was heading toward their car being careful to avoid puddles of water when I suddenly realized I was not wearing shoes. I thought, “I forgot my shoes!”  I turned and began to head back to the park but only got half way because I saw that the parking lots was clearing out really fast. Suddenly concerned I may miss my ride, I ran back where I had been calling out to the women as I did. When I got to the place I had been previous the parking lot was almost completely empty. There was a few cars scattered here and there but there were none from my group.

I looked around suddenly aware that I was very much alone. I felt a myriad of emotions – fear, upset, nervousness, anxiety, abandonment, hurt. I scanned the parking lot for familiar faces and saw none. Then I looked for my phone in my purse, hoping to call and get them to turn around and get me. But it wasn’t there. I had left it in the car. My heart sunk. I knew they would probably assume I got in the bus or went with the other chaperones, so not miss me and just continue on home. I felt completely helpless and began to pace the parking lot.

I got the idea to ask one of the few remaining people if I could borrow their phone. A man let me borrow his. It looked identical to mine. When I began to try and use it, though, I could not figure out how. I tried typing in the number of my own cell and found the keys were in hand written form and when I punched in the numbers they came out all wrong. The owner of the cell finally asked me if he could type them in for me and so he did as I told him my number.

The phone rang but no one picked up. I left a message and waited.

I was there so long that the parking lot became empty and no people remained. The only light was at the corner of the lot near a side street. The rest of the area was very dark and though I was not afraid of the dark, I lingered near the light because that was where I would most easily be seen.

After hours of waiting and enduring massive amounts of anxiety and “what if’s”, I finally saw the old beat up brown station wagon pull up. The two women were inside and said, “There you are. Get in”. I got in but yelled at them saying, “How could you leave me! Did you get all the way home before you realized I was left here?” The driver said, “Yes. We thought you were in the other bus”. I sat in the back and sulked, finally allowing myself to calm down and feel relief. I remember finally feeling like I was safe but worrying how long that safe feeling would last.

Kidnapped

I awoke crying and upset over the dream. I had awakened a couple of times during it and it kept coming back. I finally asked to not have that happen again. Unfortunately, I ended up in another, similarly upsetting dream sequence.

I was walking from my old childhood school to another nearby school. I was an adult and had returned to the school as a teacher and was reliving memories as I walked from one familiar place to another.

I came to a school that was built into a mountainside. It was very cool looking and I was instantly interested. I went inside and ran into the principal there. She and I spoke and she asked me about myself. When I told her I was a teacher she began to try and sell the school to me and eventually told me the salary, how to apply and the days worked. I remember she showed me that I had no vacations. I had to work every day of the year and get paid the same amount as I already made. I was instantly not interested, thanked her and left.

I wandered near a bakery by the cafeteria. A couple of plump ladies were making breads and asked me if I wanted to help them with the last ten. I helped by rolling the rolls in powdered sugar and talked with the ladies and another woman helper.

Out of the blue, a man came in and locked all the doors. He then took me and the other lady prisoner. For some reason my husband was there and taken prisoner, too. He then decided he would rape me in front of my husband. I don’t recall the actual rape but I remember being embarrassed that my husband had to watch and feeling sorry for him. He then targeted another person, a small child of about 8 years old. I remember feeling I was 14 years old at the time and being very protective of her. I put my whole body over her to shield her and he left her alone.

We were trapped for a long time but I managed to escape when a maid unlocked the door and left it that way. My husband followed as did the other woman (who had been the child before). During this part of the dream I continued to awaken and return to sleep, each time having another portion of the escape play out in my dreams. We hijacked a school bus, crawled through snow and even had a flat tire at a truck stop all to avoid this man who was hunting us.

Reflection

I awoke feeling a bit overwhelmed by my dreams. Not only does the first dream suggest I am struggling with feelings of aloneness and isolation but it seems I am also struggling with some other fears. The second dreams is symbolic of feeling forced into a corner, one that is unfair and unwanted. It also symbolizes how I have been trying to escape the uncontrollable situation: by running. Throughout the dream I feel pursued by a man who wants to do me harm and imprison me. He didn’t catch me in the dream but he did keep catching up to me and I never could get far enough ahead of him to feel at ease.

I keep hearing a song in my head. It’s Flaws by Bastille. The main part of the song that keeps repeating in my head is, “Let’s finish what we started”. It has been going over and over in my head and driving me a bit nutty. The message seems clear: Stop running from yourself and let’s finish what we started.

by

Beauty in the Dark

Before I go into detail on my morning’s excursion, I want to talk a bit about my day yesterday. My youngest (he’s almost 8 months now) has been going through a clingy, whiny stage for about a month now. Yesterday was probably the worst so far. I could not get anything done without having to endure wails of agony from my son. He also refused to take a nap and would not eat. I assume he is teething but there is no tooth or even swelling of the gums and one would think after a month of this a tooth would appear if it were teething! I spent most of the day catering to his needs. In between that I also had to cater to my older two children while fighting bouts of frustration and a feeling of overwhelm that kept rising up into my throat almost choking me.

Finally, after an entire day of enduring screaming and whimpering I took my baby to a room away from his siblings for some mommy time. He instantly cheered up, roaming around and playing but always coming back to mommy. I got out a book and read to him and he became elated, jumping up almost to standing and clapping his hands. He was so happy that later, when we ate dinner, he ate so much food I thought he would burst.

As the evening came to a close, my little baby settled down quietly and fell asleep earlier than usual, allowing me and my husband some alone time which was much needed. We ended up having some good conversations and for a very nice end to the day.

When I went to bed I did some yoga and read a bit of a book. I then set my intention: “I want to find my core self and continue whatever healing that has been started”. I did not set an intention to astral as I really did not have interest in it.

False Awakening

I awoke once at around midnight and then resumed sleep without incident.

I heard my baby crying very loudly for what seemed to be a long time. I ignored the screams and covered my head with a pillow, hoping my husband would take care of it. The screams continued for a while and then I heard the door open. I heard my husband come in and felt him set the baby on the bed. The baby continued to scream and my husband said to me, “You deal with him” and left the room. I sat up and grabbed the baby and had many thoughts hit me at once. I was so tired and just wanted to sleep and wanted to yell at my husband to come get the baby. I thought about doing this but felt conflicted because I knew my husband was frustrated and that I needed to take over.

I felt hazy at this time and struggled to understand what was going on. Part of me knew I was sleeping but the other part was sure I was awake.

I opened my eyes and heard my baby crying. I suddenly realized I had been dreaming and that none of the incident with my husband had even occurred. I suddenly became very concerned and got up to check on them. I found my husband soothing the baby downstairs and I let him be, sending him the thought, “Well done”. I noticed it was 5:50am, so I went back to bed.

Too Many Children

I could not go back to sleep at first. I was really cold and could not seem to get warm. I also kept hearing everything that was going on in the house. All my children soon got up and I heard the pitter patter of tiny feet along with talking (my oldest seems always to yell when she talks). I got irritated and began to curse my life silently to myself. I remember thinking, “I wish I had never had children. I wish I had never started this life”. Then I rolled over, put a pillow over my head and tried to sleep. I set an intention, “I want to go OOB”.

The next thing I remember is being outside with a group of people, most of them children. A story was played out in front of my eyes. It only lasted a second, like it had instantly been downloaded into my mind. I knew that a couple had started a family and had child after child very quickly. They had five children, the youngest just a baby. I saw in front of me these children and the couple. There were twin girls standing in front of me and a woman who was taking care of the baby.

I was semi-lucid as I heard myself talking with a woman while watching the scene in front of me. I saw the baby up close and knew he was a vampire baby. I shuddered at the thought. The woman taking care of him was not doing a good job and the next time I saw the baby he had become thin and gaunt and very close to death. The woman taking care of him was not concerned. I remembering thinking the baby was only half human.

The conversation in my mind continued. She recounted the story of the family, saying they got married quickly and jumped right into having child after child without giving themselves much time to bond with one another. I recognized this story as my own and remember saying to her, “I chose that adventure”, instantly recognizing that I was seeking adventure in life and grabbed onto an “acceptable” adventure which was getting married and having children. I did this without thinking of the long-term consequences and now I was stuck in the “adventure” and it was not so much fun.

Again the carriage with the baby came into my vision. I peered into it, assuming I would see a skeleton baby since he was surely almost dead the last time I saw him. I even envisioned the skeleton to prepare myself for the horror of it. Instead I saw only a blanket, no baby. I inquired where he was and the woman said, “Over there” and I looked and saw a plump little blond boy crawling around on top of a changing table. I asked, “He was almost dead the last time I saw him!” The woman replied, “That was his old caregiver. She neglected him a lot. He is fine now”. I saw the boy’s rosy cheeks and smile and wondered about him. The woman said, “He has a lot of energy”. I watched as the boy scooted to the side of the table and wiggled around. He did have a lot of energy. I was then aware that this baby needed a lot of attention and needed patience and help so he could learn to channel the energy properly.

Alaska – OBE

Something about the dream conversation shifted my awareness and the scene instantly changed to a new one. I found myself inside a house. The lights were out but I could make out the furniture and surroundings. It was a nice place and very cold. I was standing in the kitchen and could see the silhouette of sliding glass doors to my right. Moonlight poured through the window and illuminated the kitchen bar in front of me.

I was in the middle of another conversation with an invisible woman. Lost inside my mind, I talked to her until her voice was gone and I was talking to myself. I was rejecting the idea of my current “adventure”, mad at myself for taking on so much. One part of me was the voice of reason, the other part (the me in the dream) was the stubborn child.

Suddenly an idea came to me that I should look at buying a house. It was in Alaska and I got very upset by this. I looked down and saw I was holding a real estate brochure for a home. I glanced at it and saw it was a very nice house and a part of me was interested in buying it. I remember saying, “No! I don’t want to buy a house! I don’t want to live in Alaska!” I closed the brochure but my interest was peaked and I began to think about living in Alaska. I thought of the long winters and balked at the prospect of driving on icy roads again. I rejected that part. Then I thought, “I want to lay in the sun” and thought of going outside in the sun and then remembered I couldn’t do that in Alaska. I remembered when I lived there. The isolation. The darkness. I didn’t want that. Then I remembered I use to go to tanning beds and thought, “I could go to a tanning bed”. I looked at the brochure again and saw the price for the house was $1.5 million but then the price vanished and I couldn’t find it. That was way too much for a house!

Something clicked at this point and I looked at the glass doors and said aloud, “This is a dream”. Instantly aware I was creating all of this, I immediately recognized I was wearing heavy winter clothing. I tore off an imaginary coat and began to rip off what appeared to be a hat and goggles. I then went through the glass doors and outside, still tugging at my imaginary winter garb. I felt shrouded in heavy winter clothing and wanted it off.

Outside the moonlight was still illuminating everything quite well and I saw the yard was surrounded with trees and tall shrubs. The air was crisp and I knew it was still summer. My vision was blurry and I again took off goggles of some kind. My vision instantly cleared and I blinked a few times. I then looked more closely at the shrubbery and thought, “I should go that way” but then stopped myself thinking, “I don’t want to go that way” thinking that way meant I would be alone. I instantly wanted to go to the front yard so turned that way. I saw a privacy fence between myself and the front. I had the idea that if I crossed the fence I would find other people and not be alone. I decided to jump the fence and propelled myself upward. I went up quite fast, flying up so high that I worried I would not come down. To my delight, I did a flip mid-air and landed on the other side of the fence. In front of me I saw an open yard dotted with trees but I was still alone and it was still dark. I brought my hands up to look at them as it usually helps me feel more solid but when I brought my hands up instead of seeing glowing hands I saw heavily gloved hands. Disappointed and wondering why the gloves were still there (hadn’t I taken them off?) I decided I would try singing as it seems to always help me gain awareness. I launched myself into the air and began to sing loudly, “Ah ah ah” (like from the Little Mermaid). I began to be pulled upward very fast and I closed my eyes as I sang but my voice kept cracking and I could not get the cracking sound to go away. I kept singing, though, hoping I would escape the place I had been in.

I felt my energy settle back into my sleeping body and opened my eyes.

Beauty in the Dark

When I awoke I was pleased that my intention to astral had worked but I was not pleased that I had seemed to get nowhere in my experience. I also was upset to find myself yet again in Alaska. What did Alaska represent? Being alone. It represented all that I had felt when I had lived there in reality. I had gone in search of adventure but found the adventure was shrouded in loneliness. I had thought I could handle being alone but it had nearly killed me. The new adventure I had sought, having a family, was also shrouded in loneliness, but of a different kind. It was more bearable but I was drowning and felt similar emotions to how I felt when I lived in Alaska. In my OBE I had tried to escape the trap I had put myself in but could not. I felt burdened by a heavy shroud of winter clothing yet I felt cold still. It was very representative of my life and how heavy the burden of it felt. I could not free myself of it and the OBE seemed to indicate trying to escape was not the solution.

As I type this I am reminded of a song I wrote when I was living in Alaska. Back then I had yet to connect with my guide yet I was drawn to write music. I wrote many songs, the lyrics seeming to just flow out of me. I found moments of joy in the mostly sad songs I wrote. One of my favorites was called Beauty in the Dark.

Beauty in the Dark

I understand your sorrow
I understand your pain
I want to see you smile
I want to hold your hand.
And although this place is colder
And darker than where we’ve been
I’ll take you somewhere warmer
Be your light
In the dark.

Chorus

Take the darkness and wrap it around you
And you’ll find beauty in the dark
Don’t let the winds of the arctic prevent you
From searching for your heart

(Alternate ending)
I’ll find a way
I’ll take you there
Find somewhere where you belong.

Can’t you see the colors
Of the Northern Lights
They will offer comfort
In the dead of night.
And as the wind blows memories
Of places and times gone by
My love will be a blanket
Of warmth, of warmth.

Let me kiss the teardrops
From your swollen eyes
There is nothing to fear
It will be alright.
And as the days grow longer
In the Land of the Midnight Sun
Our love will grow much stronger
Lead us on, and on.

Chorus

Look to the bands of color
That paint the northern sky
A canvas filled with wonder
If you would only try.

Chorus (with alternate ending)

I guess I need to find beauty in the dark again.

Lucidity scale: 5

Intent stated?: Yes

Time to bed: 9:30pm

Time to wake: 5:50am; 7:30am

Meditation?: None

Physical Exercise?: Yoga

Mood: normal to low

Body: muscle aches

Tiredness: Moderate

Number of wakings: 2

Technique?: No

Sleeping position: stomach

Supplements: Natural Calm, Sleepy Time Extra Tea, Benadryl 25mg, Calcium 500mg, Vitamin D 1000mg, Vitex 150mg, DonQuai 150mg

by

The Time is at Hand

Since my last OBE I have returned to nights of heavy slumber filled with multitudinous amounts of odd and intricate dreams. I awaken only once and that is in the morning around 6a.m. which is odd for me since I typically wake multiple times throughout the night both because of a new baby and being a light sleeper. I have been nudged by both an inner urge and a gentle inner voice to do Yoga before bed. I have been following this suggestion, doing a succession of poses repeated five times with OM’ing and deep breathing. When I OM I can feel it resonate all the way to my toes and it feels very calming. After yoga, I usually fall asleep quickly.

Growing Wings

The first night of deep slumber I had a dream where I grew wings. The dream was long and drawn out, but I will skip most of the details so as to not bore you. I was with a man who I all of a sudden noticed had large, fairy-like wings coming out of his back. They were vivid, deep green and beautiful. He suggested I had wings, too, and as soon as he did I felt them growing and saw the most beautiful aqua, blue and shimmery silver wings emerge from my back and tower over my head. I was astonished and looked at the man with the green wings who nodded at me with a satisfied smile.

As we walked together through the green grass and talked I immediately noticed a fluffy tail poking out of the grass. I looked closer and saw that it was a squirrel. I immediately knew it was dead and had been killed by the dog, though I saw no dog at the time. I yelled out, “It’s dead!” and then soon forgot about its existence.

In researching the symbolism, I found that having wings symbolizes readiness to throw off limitation and soar to success. A dead squirrel symbolizes letting go of old habits and a willingness to focus on positive relationships and endeavors.

Advanced Learning

Last night I again slept so deeply that I did not wake all night. I had very detailed dreams in which I was near lucid.

The first I recall was set in a very magnificent building that appeared to be a university of some sort. I was in the hallway of a grand building with very high ceilings and grand pillars. It reminded me of an ancient place and did not appear to be a college or university that I have ever attended. It had multiple stories and the stone it was made of was polished to a sheen. I think it was marble or something similar as it was white with cream swirls and had a glassy polished appearance. There were plants in planter boxes along open common areas where students of various ages gathered and studied or socialized. There was one large, circular common area that was in the center of the building. It led to different hallways and high up above were glass atrium windows that covered the entire domed ceiling.

In the beginning of this dream I was late for class and could not remember my schedule. At first I was just going to skip but then felt I should at least try to attend part of the class. I entered a room that I thought was my class and there were not enough desks. I inquired if there was one for me that could be found. A student got up and retrieved two desks and put them in front of me. I moved one in front of his seat and sat down but it did not have a desk in front. I thought about how I could not use it to write upon and requested the other desk. I sat at it and noticed everyone was looking at me. I recall thinking the class was an Algebra II class and there was a test that day.

I left the class and still could not remember my schedule. A man was with me who was trying to show me how to access my schedule. He pulled out this white cylinder and pushed a button on top. It lit up a blue color and a tiny tube popped out and then opened up fan-line. It had blue print on it that had his schedule and information written upon it. I want to say it was a holographic image. I thought I would do the same thing but my cylinder was different. It had multiple cylinders attached to it and when I pushed the button a clear solution came out and went into the smaller cylinders. I recognized it as saline solution and saw that it filled a contact lens case. I knew this was no good and would not help me with my schedule.

I thought I remembered my 3rd period class was Economics. I went through the large atrium towards the elevator. I saw a map on the wall with the different room numbers and names. I located my teacher’s name and saw it was on the 4th floor. I thought that odd and remarked that I thought he was at a higher floor. We got onto the elevator and went to the 4th floor. I located the classroom and went inside.

I knew the class lasted 2 hours and I began to feel antsy. I began talking to a classmate and told him, “I don’t think I need this class. I already took Economics and got an A”. He said, “Really?” Then I remembered I already had a Master’s degree and told him so. He said, “What do you do with that degree?” I said, “I am a counselor”. He asked me, “Oh. How do you like it?” I do not remember my response to that question, though. I remember imagining taking more classes. I said to him, “I don’t need to take any more classes but I know if I do that I will do well. I always do well. I am good at learning”. At this point I remember being very proud that I was good at learning and feeling very confident in this knowledge about myself.

Coming Into Myself

I left the huge university and headed towards an apartment. I would be staying there with some female roommates while I went to school. While I was there I felt very odd and for part of the dream I was in the kitchen with a female friend who was visiting. I was getting very upset because I kept finding things put in the wrong location. For example, I found towels inside the cabinet for pots and pans. I began to complain loudly about it and the friend, who was making a chocolate cake, began to take notice. She stopped me and began to question me about why I was complaining so much. I explained that my husband never put things where they were suppose to go and that it made me super mad. She then suggested that I talk to him and explain the pros to having things go in a specific place rather than yelling at him for putting them in the wrong place. Her suggestion made sense and I calmed down.

I was then in a bedroom and waiting for my husband’s sister. I laid down in bed and felt overcome with a distinct feeling. I knew in the dream that I was allowing myself to come into myself. This continued throughout the remainder of the dream and felt very specific and is hard to describe. It was as if I were two people and I was welcoming another part of me into me. The part I was most aware of (the me as the dreamer) was draped in black. I recall communicating with a black, furry cat with very large eyes and then coming to a place where there were two baby warthogs. As I continued to feel the odd sensation, the mother warthog came and passed right between my legs. I was alarmed at first and thought they were going to be mean. I even saw the hair rise on their backs. Then I saw the family of hairy beasts get together and even petted them. I remember feeling odd at that time, like I was changing.

At the end of this dream I was firmly merged and recognizing it. I began to see differently and had the ability to do things with just a thought. I practiced it on the door and made the door shut with my mind. I remember thinking it was curious and I was a bit scared of this ability.

Then I was being instructed on redecorating the apartment and working on replacing the blue blinds with black drapes. I saw a large refrigerator being brought in. It was packed with soda, bananas, ice cream, chocolate frosting and other such items. I commented on how they were going to make all of us fat with such temptations and I resolved to not touch any of the food in that fridge.

My friend and I walked outside and headed back to the university. At the corner she was acting odd and I realized she was late for something. She said she was late for a workout with a friend. I remember thinking I had to go, too, and liked to workout but then recognized I didn’t really want to go. I let her leave and continued to walk, feeling still very different and wondering where I was going next now that I was “different”. I still felt very out of it, like I had been asleep for a very long time and had just awakened to myself. I continued to try to get my bearings as I awoke.

The Time is at Hand

When I awoke I had a knowing that I needed to make changes to my life. I was not scared of this just feeling I needed to begin to think about what I wanted and where I wanted to go in life. I recognized the first dream about college was related to a previous dream where I had been told testing occurred after vacation, not before. It occurred to me that I was nearing this vacation’s end and that “testing” would soon begin.

My first thought was to scan the internet for schools that would help me utilize my spiritual gifts. I had no idea where to look or what kind of school to look for, though. I quickly abandoned the idea, remembering my failure at previously trying to utilize my spiritual gifts.

The next Idea was to find a different counseling job. I realized I could do this and could start looking now. It was a real possibility that I could acquire a much better position for more pay. This appealed to me but then I remembered that I wanted to have time with my children. Yet part of me was already thinking about this option and how I could utilize my current job to give me experience in certain areas that would make me more appealing to prospective employers. I recalled my desire to be with my kids, though, and began to withdraw from this idea, knowing it was more of the same path I had already been upon for my entire life.

I then returned to the idea of exploring the option of the spiritual path. I recognized that it was not necessary to have a “plan”. I only needed intention. As I contemplate this now, I am aware that if I choose to focus upon my current, already established career, that I will be successful and do well financially but I will not feel complete or fulfilled. That path is clearly visible in my mind. If I choose to go the other route and follow where my heart leads I will feel more fulfilled, though the path is not clear to me at all. There is an unknown here the worries me even though I am confident that my finances will not be harmed. It is clear to me, however, that this unknown path is the better one.

The only way out is through. Though the familiar path leads you to safety, it also continues a perpetual cycle. The path unknown breaks the cycle and leads to possibility. Which one will you choose?

by

Broken Treadmill

I was awakened at 1am by two screaming children. My husband was sick with a cold and could not help. I ended up not being able to return to sleep for some time afterward. I am not sure when I fell asleep but I finally did.

Suicidal Student

I had a dream about a young, African American man. He was 21 but still in high school. He had a bad reputation and everyone, even the teachers, let him get away with pretty much everything because they were afraid of him. He did not do “bad” things really but did play jokes and act foolishly, often teasing others or pushing the limits to see what he could get away with. I was an administrator who witnessed him pushing the limits in a negative way. He was doing things that we very inappropriate for school and I called him on it and then sent him to the principal, which had never happened to him. He was sent back to class without any punishment but I made sure to continue to hold him accountable. The other students at first did not stand up to him, but eventually they did.

Eventually the classroom environment shifted to a parking lot and the student was in a black car. The scene was very dark and it was not easy to see. The student appeared out of character and I knew he needed help. I was searching for him and telling the other students to find him. I remember telling them, “You notice how wide eyed and frantic he was? He overdosed on some drug. He is spinning out of control and going to kill himself”. I recognized that me setting boundaries for him pushed him into a zone he could not handle and that he was trying to escape the confusion it caused him. He had never had boundaries, though he wanted them badly because they showed that others cared about him. I identified a part of myself in him.

I suddenly wanted to save him from himself and got the other student to help me. We cornered him, even though he attempted to drive through us, damaging several cars. In the end, though, I was able to stop him from destroying himself. I felt compassion for him rather than contempt. I wanted to help him move past his fear of himself.

Broken Treadmill

The scene remained dark but the story changed. The student was still involved but instead of being suicidal he was now fessing up to the bad things he had done. He had damaged my treadmill and I was attempting to fix it. My husband was there and tinkered with it, asking me to try it out. I raised the incline and turned it to speed 2. The treadmill lurched and the belt began to move at a very high speed, much faster than the 2mph it was set to. I stepped back and watched as the belt began to bunch up and then buckled. The treadmill made a loud noise and I quickly turned it off. It was broken.

I discussed my options with someone who I did not see in the dream. It was a female and I suspect she is one of my guides. I told her I could 1. Replace the treadmill with a new or used one, 2. Run outside and not buy a new treadmill (this one my husband would prefer) or 3. Attempt to fix my current treadmill. I seemed to like option #3 but I remember putting quite a bit of thought into what I could do.

I got onto the treadmill again hoping that it had miraculously fixed itself. At first it seemed to be working but it began to lurch and make odd noises again, so I got off very quickly and saw that the belt was beginning to move very fast and starting to buckle again. The treadmill was shot and there was nothing I could do. I had to make a decision. What would I do?

As I began to wake up, I heard a woman’s voice call me by my name but something was wrong about it. The last name was “Cook”. It perplexed me. Why was she giving me that last name? Did that indicate that I would one day have a new last name? The thought of that had me worried. Was I going to one day be married again?

Reflection

I awoke and thought about my dreams for some time. The first dream was uplifting even though the characters in it seemed dark and depressing. I believe the young man represented not only my past but also myself in many ways. I recognized myself in him during the dream and attempted to save him. I successfully “saved” him in the end, finding compassion for him (myself) which indicates I have come to a point in my own spiritual progress where I am beginning to be compassionate toward myself. This is HUGE for me because I am very self-critical.

The second dream was the most vivid and reminded me of a recent OBE I had where I was talking to one of my neighbors about her treadmill. She was selling it and I told her I didn’t need it but that mine was old. I looked up the symbolism of treadmill and found that it means one is “stuck in an old routine” and not making progress. It indicates change is needed for progress to be made. This symbolism seems applicable to my dream and the choices I was having to make about whether I would replace the treadmill or not. The fact that the treadmill was breaking/broken indicates I am recognizing the need for change.

I never made a decision in the dream but did seem interested in the option to buy a new one or fix it. I was not as interested in the option of not replacing it and just running outside. This suggests that there is something in my routine I desire to keep.

by

Deer Patrol

I have been feeling very down and out for the last couple of days for no apparent reason. It is odd to me how my feelings quickly change seemingly for no reason. I am use to it as it has happened like this my entire life, but never this frequently. I know the world is undergoing a great energy shift and that it has been escalating in intensity, especially this year, but I am tiring of it. I wish that I could shut out all the outside energy that impacts me, but I seem unable to completely keep it out. The more I isolate myself to try and protect myself, the more irritated I seem to get. Yet when I open up more, I get overwhelmed and overly emotional and unbalanced. I don’t know which is worse – to shut down my emotions or to be overwhelmed by them. It seems a lose-lose situation.

Deer Patrol

It was dark. I was in a familiar house. It was cozy and nice. It felt like grandmother’s house – a place of safety and love. I was not alone. There was an old man and a couple of younger, twenty-somethings, one male the other female. I felt older than them but much younger than the old man.

I spoke with the two younger people, the male one first. He was getting ready to head back to college. He told me he had to study for an exam and I was surprised by this. “When I went to college, we took all our finals before break. When did they start giving finals after Christmas vacation?” The young man paused and then said, “I don’t know. That is just how it is”. I replied, “That isn’t very fair. You are suppose to study and prepare for the exams. If you have them after vacation, then you will have to study for them during vacation! That kinda defeats the whole point of vacation!” My voice got a bit louder as I was talking because I was feeling frustrated for this young man, yet he didn’t seem to care one way or the other. “I’ve been studying for a couple of days. I don’t have to do much more than that”. He then said his goodbyes to us and left the room.

The young woman had dark hair and appeared older than the young man. She was much more serious and guarded and did not say much. She did question if I was going to return to school. I told her, “I am done with school. I don’t want to go back”.

She stayed for a while and I began to pay more attention to what the old man was doing. He was sitting near the large, picture window, waiting for something. I could see images of a garden and other plants outside the window, but it was still very dark. A woman called out to him from somewhere in the house, “Don’t forget to take those pots outside when you go on watch”. I think it must have been his wife. He called back, “Yeah, okay”.

He stayed where he was for a while, resting up against the window and watching me. I could not see his face clearly but he was old, probably in his 60’s. He had leathery skin like someone who spent a lot of time outdoors and his hair was white and bushy. He picked up something and hoisted it up on his shoulder. I looked harder and saw that it was an old shotgun.

I asked him what it was for.

“I patrol the garden at night to keep them away from it”.

“Keep who away?” I asked. At that time a tiny bell tone pinged a few times. It sounded like an alarm of some sort.

“The deer”, he replied and got up and went outside.

I followed him outside and saw a clear black sky dotted with stars. I could not see the moon but I could tell it must have been out because it was not so dark you couldn’t see. The man went into a tiny section of the yard and stood looking around. A large tree stood on the right and there was a tall, wooden fence in front of him approximately 10 feet away. I stood next to him, looking around I heard a noise in the bushes but couldn’t see anything but shadows.

There was noise from the direction of the tree. The man took aim at something shiny and fired. I heard a ping and look up. He had shot a silver ornament of some kind that was hanging in the tree. I noticed then that the tree was full of them. The man kept shooting at them, though, and the ones he shos fell, one by one, to the ground. I wondered if the man was practicing.

After he finished, I looked around some more. We were standing amidst plants of all types. Some were as high as our waists. They were vegetable plants mostly but some were potted. I turned and saw the pots the man’s wife asked him to take outside. They were full of black dirt with shrubbery of some kind poking out, but mostly I saw just the dirt. I vaguely recall that his job was to water them.

When I saw the wood fence I remembered my own frustration with deer and how we had erected a fence around our garden. I told the man, “Why don’t you just build a fence?” He said something about not wanting to. I pointed to the wood fence and said, “But you already have part of one. It would be very easy”. He did not respond. I assumed he must have been happy with his job of patrolling for deer at night.

The alarm sounded again and I got a flash in my mind of a tiny fawn with spots. When I saw the vision I warned the old man but he was already pointing his gun at something. I looked in the direction of his gun and saw a tiny, spotted fawn stumbling through the bushes. The man said, “It’s a fawn. It’s brother is over there” and he pointed to another identical fawn. I held my breath at how beautiful, tiny and frail they were. The man said, “Their mom is around here somewhere”.

Just then the mother deer came bounding into the garden. Her eyes were big and she stopped and froze when she saw us. I The man let her go, though and she soon walked on past, nibbling at his garden as she did. He said, “Get out of here!” and she finally left.

older-fawnsSymbolism

When I awoke from this and other dreams I was not feeling very positive. In fact, I was sort of angry. Part of the dream was still with me when I awoke, the part where I was discussing how it was not fair to have exams after vacation. I then stated very clearly that I was “done” with school. It seems to me now that this part of the dream was symbolic of a conversation I had with my guide. I believe he told me that I had to wait until after Christmas vacation. I am not sure what I am waiting for, but the news did not make me happy and that feeling continues to unsettle me.

The deer in the dream are also very vivid to me, especially the fawns. A deer symbolizes grace, compassion, gentleness, natural beauty and meekness. Deer represent femininity and being alert to such qualities within yourself. A deer can freeze and be very still, blending into its surroundings in order to avoid detection. The fact that the old man allowed the deer to live suggests there is a message that I should blend in with my surroundings, let my femininity shine through and have compassion for others and myself.

The fawn is symbolic of friendship that is true and reminds us to have faith in love. In my dream the fawn is what I spend the most time admiring. They are so tiny and frail and I have an urge to protect them. Perhaps I am being reminded of my own children as well as my loved ones in life?

The shotgun is a message that I need to better focus my energies upon my intended goal(s). What is interesting is that I am struggling to remember what my goals are. I cannot see anything for my future except more of the same. I feel suppressed by a life on hold so much that I have forgotten what I once dreamed of creating. All I seem to be able to see is constant waiting and what is even more bothersome is I don’t even know what I am waiting for.

by

Bullet Holes

Before I went to bed last night, I did not read as is my usual routine. The book I have been reading has me a bit overwhelmed and I need time to process it. So instead of reading, I decided to ask to astral. I said, “I would like to confront my fears and defeat my demons.” I focused on my third chakra as I mentally said this. Then I said, “I would like to see my core Self”. After I said this, I had a bit of fear rise up within me. It was surprising and my guide said, “Okay”.

Finding Daddy

I awoke sometime around midnight and do not remember my dreams. I went back to sleep almost instantly.

I slowly became more and more aware as I was dreaming. At first, the dream is a haze but I do recall being outside of a row of houses in a fairly nice neighborhood. There was a park with bright green grass across from the particular house I was standing in front of. The day was bright but not too bright and I had a feeling it was mid-morning.

I was with several other people, but I do not remember any except one man and one woman. The man was who I was speaking with the most at this time. We were discussing OBEs and how to initiate one. I don’t recall who came up with the idea to try, but I laid down on the front steps of the house after recognizing the heaviness I felt and commenting that I needed to use it to my advantage. At the time I really do not recall feeling “heavy” or anything of the sort, though, which is odd to me.

When I laid down, I close my eyes in the dream and could feel the heavy feeling I had just commented to my friend about. The scene was still there but turned gray as I closed my astral eyes. I was not fully aware just yet but was attempting to bring more consciousness into the experience and I am assuming this was the method that made most sense at this time. I felt my “body” but it was not my physical body. It felt heavy and cumbersome and now that I look back on that moment, I believe I was feeling my etheric body. I don’t remember much about the shift but when it happened I instantly recognized I had achieved my goal of going OOB. All I recall of the feeling now is a funny shifty energy similar to what I feel when I exit my physical body.

When I got OOB (and it is funny because I believe I already was OOB prior) I was elated. I had instant astral vision and was facing the vivid green grass of the park. The sky was blue and spotted with clouds and I reveled in the clarity that surrounded me as I have not had much of that in a while. I could still hear the friend who I had been with but I don’t remember now what he said to me. I turned around, though, suddenly wondering if I could get a glimpse of my body. I looked toward the steps of the house where I knew I had fallen asleep and saw a body, curled up underneath a heavy green and blue blanket, my body!

After seeing my body, for some reason I was surrounded by several men of various ages and we all set off through the park. I immediately began to think of my father and was thinking/saying, “I have to find my Daddy”. We ended up inside a busy restaurant. I think we teleported there because one minute I was in the park and the next I was inside a restaurant. The men were still with me, too.

I looked about, noticing there were many, many people eating and conversing inside the restaurant. It was also a very nice restaurant and the people were all wearing business attire. Most were businessmen of various ages. I looked at them closely, thinking once I saw the back of my Dad’s head after hearing one of the men I was with saying, “Look for him”.

After a few minutes I said aloud, “I don’t think my Dad is here. I don’t think he is in astral anymore”. I felt that he had moved higher up and knowing this made me instantly forget about looking for him.

willowGutted Apartments

As soon as I lost interest in finding my Dad I was transported to yet another scene. This was instantaneous and almost imperceptible. There was no loss in vision that I recall. One minute I was in the restaurant, the next I was standing outside on a paved road underneath a huge weeping willow tree. I stood there dazed for a moment, trying to get my bearings. I looked up and saw the trees heavy, green branches hanging over my head. I then noticed that it was raining a light mist and it was coming down all around me. It was very light rain, just a dusting but enough of it to get wet, although I do not recall feeling “wet” but I did feel the tickle of the rain on my skin. I remember saying aloud, “Come on! I thought I was past this!” as I said this, I saw past the rain a sliver of sunlight peak through rain clouds. I instantly forgot the rain and began to focus upon the tree that was hanging over my head.

I reached up into the tree’s branches and attempted to use it to spring up into the air. As I did, It felt like the tree reached out and wrapped itself around me. I was only able to get about six feet up and then it seemed to gently push me back toward the ground. I tried one more time to get airborne and it happened again. I soon gave up, deciding I was meant to walk, not fly.

It was at the point that I began to look around me. I was standing in a street that led to a large group of apartments that circled a round parking area and street. My vision was still bright and the day still almost cloudless. I scanned the apartments and noted their varying states of decay. Some looked like they had been bombed while others just looked neglected or unfinished. They were all white with several stories and every one of them had no glass in their windows. Instead of windows, there were black, gaping holes that screamed emptiness and isolation.

I did not feel concerned about the apartments as I walked toward them, surveying each of them. I headed toward the last row as I thought I detected a ray of sunlight shining through one of the windows in the very back of one of the apartments. I thought perhaps I could get through to the other side of the apartment, so I went inside.

When I walked in, I noticed the walls were barren, cold and grayish white. I yelled something like, “Hello! I am here!” but got no answer, just an echo of my own voice. There was no furniture and the windows did show there was an other side to the building. I walked toward it but as I did, the walls seemed to shift. I went through a window and it turned into a staircase that went down, or did it go up? I went up the staircase and into another room and again hit another staircase as I tried to go through a window. This one appeared to also go down.

I followed the stairs into a round room that was made of the same grayish walls. There were tiny windows cut out in it, but there was more wall on the other side with only teeny, tiny slits that opened to daylight on the other side. The walls appeared to be made of cement and were very hard and I noted tiny, round moldings decorated the walls. I tried to find the way through but I kept going in circles and could not get out. I then wondered how I got there as I was confused – did I go up or down? It was very disorienting and the room almost seemed to spin around me as I kept trying to get out.

Bullet Holes

I came into my body briefly then and recognized it. I was cold and shifted my position and then went back to sleep.

I did not come back with full lucidity but I was lucid enough to remember that I was talking with someone. There were two – a man and a woman. I recounted my experience to the man, telling him excitedly, “I saw my body!”. Most of this I remember as if re-dreaming everything. I felt like he was there to take notes on my experience.

Within this semi-lucid state while I was recounting my experience, I found myself in a completely different scene. Laid out in front of me was a multicolored board. It was like a canvas but I cannot tell what was painted on it, just that it had lots of vivid reds, blues, and other colors on it. I was carefully filling tiny holes that dotted the canvas with a yellowish putty. I dipped the putty from a container that was held by a woman. She had blonde hair and was very bright. As I dipped into the putty she said, “I can only help you if you are clear”. I immediately understood that she could only help me heal if I was focused upon what I wanted to heal. I looked down at the canvas and the tiny holes all over it. I recognized the holes as bullet holes; wounds.

This vision and message woke me up. I was very cold and a bit shaken by what I had just seen. Was I really so wounded?

It Has Been So Long

I noticed the time and then rolled over to try and sleep. But I couldn’t. I was wide awake. I kept thinking, “I am healing”. My guide was close and he covered me in his calming energy. It swept over me, entering my left arm and then spreading over my entire body. I let it pull me into relaxation, reveling in it.

I must have dozed a bit, as I was awakened by my guide saying to me, “Encourage you to explore yourself. Encourage you to share your experiences with everyone you can.” This brought me to full wakefulness as I digested what I had just been told. I questioned my guide, “Share my experiences???” My guide sent another waves of energy throughout my body. It was more intense this time and I thought for sure something big was happening. I allowed myself to be overcome with the energy and felt it rising in my midsection. Then, it then began to slowly withdraw the last of it lingering in my head until it was gone.

I asked my guide, “Why do you do that? I love it when you do that. It has been so long. Why did you stop?” All these questions came at once along with a feeling of hope that I cannot describe and a welling up of emotion that said, “It has been so long”. It was like I was meeting up with someone I had left behind and only when I saw them again did I realize just how much I missed them. It was the feeling of Home that I have been chasing after my entire life.

I could feel my heart filling up but it fell short of the amazing outpouring of love that I have felt in the past. I was left feeling incomplete but at peace.

Factors Influencing Projection

Lucidity scale: 7

Intent stated?: Yes

Time to bed: 10pm

Time to wake: 7:30am

Meditation?: None

Physical Exercise?: None

Mood: normal to low

Body: neck ache, lower back ache

Tiredness: Moderate

Number of wakings: 2

Technique?: No

Sleeping position: left

Supplements: Natural Calm, Sleepy Time Extra Tea, Benadryl 25mg, Calcium 500mg, Vitamin D 1000mg, Vitex 150mg, DonQuai 150mg